Complicated

It’s the early 2000s and as I wait for my school bus, I called Faye using our landline “Wala pa si tito bobbit?” –tito bobbit is how we call our school bus driver. I had to call her just to make sure that the school bus hasn’t arrived yet because I am starting to think that maybe, tito Bobbit forgot about me or that I was still sleeping when he came to pick me up, gahh my anxiety. Obviously, wala pa because Faye is still there. Faye gets picked up first, then me, then Bea. The phone call ended immediately because there’s nothing to talk about at just 6:00 in the morning. I called Bea and told her that Faye has not even been picked up yet. She’s relieved because she just finished taking a bath so I told her to get ready “bilisan mo na!”

I turn the radio on and turn it up as Avril Lavigne sang Complicated. “somebody else ‘round everyone else you’re watching your back like you can’t relax, you’re trying to be cool you look like a fool to me”. I don’t really like her, well my best friend Gee and I didn’t like her but I sing along to the song and hear my school bus honk its horn and I ran for the door. My brother Aldous wanted me to eat pandesal with Ligo sardines because he insists it tastes good. Sometimes it tastes good but more often than not, I don’t like it. “Di ka kakain??” sounding a little disappointed, I smiled and said “eh andito na si tito bobbit eh”. In a few seconds, I am out the house, running to the gate. “Hi Tisay!” tito Bobbit greeted, I used to hate him for calling me Tisay but since he started that when I was in 1st grade, I kinda grew to just let him call him that even if he meant the opposite of “tisay”.

I enter the school bus (it wasn’t a bus per se but a big van filled with girls since I go to an all-girls school) and sit on my usual spot in the morning trip. Everyone is quiet inside the bus, most of my friends are  trying to still catch some sleep before school happens and some are just staring blankly somewhere. I sat there, look out the window and kept singing Complicated in my head. I reached for Cool Air gum in my pocket and ate two of it. Usually I would save the other piece for a different time.

I can’t wait to reach school and tell my best friend how I like Complicated and loathe Sk8er Boi like it’s the most important thing to say. I started thinking about how my day would pan out, I can’t wait for lunch time because we’d go play at the school’s Playground! No one usually goes there at lunch time so I like it. I am already planning the course we’d take for my made up Global Guts and Legends of the Hidden Temple and smile at the thought that of course, Gee and I would win again today. We always aim to be the Champs especially since I stopped being a scaredy cat for the high monkey bars and bridge we’d cross.

I remember how I felt that day, I remember how easy everything was and the only thing complicated was Avril Lavigne’s Complicated.

Advertisements

Kwentuhan Tayo

This blog entry will be written in Filipino. I shall write something about this in English very soon.


Ayun na nga mga bakla ang tagal kong hinintay tong pagkakataon na ‘to talaga. Well actually nasusulat ko naman na before na sobrang saya ko na kasi kumbaga nakamove on na ako, masaya na ako tapos hindi na ako galit. Pinagdaanan ko yung stages of grief sa buong 2 years and sa middle ng 2018, dun ko siguro napush yung mapunta ako sa Acceptance stage. After non, nag-focus na ako kung paano ko ba mapapaganda yung buhay ko, kung paano ba ako magiging masaya sa sarili ko na hindi ko na iisipin yung mga malulungkot at masasakit na pinagdaanan ko.

It took me 2 years to finally move on from all the pain and sabi sa cliché time heal all wounds at napatunayan ko nanaman nga na totoo yan. Time really did heal all the wounds, hindi lang sakin pati na rin sa dati kong friends.

Hindi na bago sainyo ang kwentong yon pero in short, sa isang malaking circle of friends since HS, kasama ang dalawa kong best friends, nagaway away kami. Actually, ako lang yung inaway nila. So yung 2 best friends ko nawala sa akin. Hindi ko iniisip na hindi na kami magkakabati pero nagmove on talaga ako kahit sobrang hirap. Alam niyo yan, lalo na yung matatagal nang kaibigan ko sa blogosphere, alam niyo yung paulit ulit akong magmomove on at paulit ulit din akong hindi bigla makamove on. Diba? Habang naloloka ako, andiyan kayo na naloloka din dahil naloloka ako *kaya sobrang salamat talaga*

Not so long ago, nakapagusap kami nung isang ex bff ko and okay naman, civil pero hindi kami yung kagaya ng dati. Civil lang ganon. And for me, it was enough. Nasasaktan pa rin ako and siguro hindi ako ready din nung time na yon kaya siguro ganon din ang binigay ni God.

Fast forward to November—okay naman ako naaalala ko sila, pero di ako naiiyak. Hindi na rin ako nalulungkot. Parang sakto lang. Tapos narealize ko na siguro sa self nga muna ako magfofocus talaga.

December—biglang nagmessage yung isang ex bff ko. Mabilis yung mga pangyayari eh, biglang one moment nagsabi lang siya na napapanaginipan niya ako the next thing I know nasa labas siya ng bahay namin. Magkape daw kami. Napagusapan naming yung nangyari, nagkapatawaran kami tapos parang walang nangyari.

By the way guys, siya yung hindi umaway sakin na out of the blue. Siya yung nagalit sakin kasi nagkakarambolan na sa group chat tapos nasabi na yung mga sinabi ko tungkol sakanya nung high school kami. (madalas kasi ako magcomment ng mga pambully ganon) tapos nung nalaman niya yun nagalit siya sakin. So siya yung in reality ay may karapatan talagang magalit sakin HAHAH.

It took her 2 years din bago magreach out sakin. Hindi ko inakala talaga na 2 years lang aabutin. Alam ko in my heart na magkakaayos kami pero ang thinking ko is yung kapag may asawa na kami, may mga anak na, as in mga matatanda na talaga. Di ko inakala na 2 years lang.

Explain ko lang din kung gaano ka-deep relationship namin. Yung mama ko at mama niya, mag bestfriends. HAHAH. So simula talaga bata, mag bestfriends din kami. So kilalang kilala ko siya kaya siguro sumama din loob ko kasi hindi ko inexpect na magagalit din siya sakin haha. Pero ayun nga. Nangyari na rin naman and ang galing lang kasi alam ko talaga na magkakabati kami eh. Kahit kaming dalawa lang, or kahit kaming tatlo in God’s perfect time, pero not THIS soon.

Nung nilet go ko lang lahat at hinayaan na si God, ang universe, ang tadaha at oras ang gumawa ng paraan, tsaka naging okay ang lahat.

Speaking terms na ulit kami mga bakla. Hindi ko rin naiisip o nararamdamang mahirap ibalik yung dati kasi alam ko din naman yung pagkakamali ko sakanya. Siguro sa buong circle of friends namin, siya yung talagang iniyakan ko at yung isa. Haha.

Hindi ko na naiisip kung ano man ang shortcomings niya sa mga nangyaring iyon, napatawad ko na din ang sarili ko at napatawad din niya ako sa mga mali kong nagawa o nasabi (kasi sa totoo lang mababawa lang talaga yun. Na-blow out of proportion lang. Wala akong sinabi tungkol sa kanya na damaging or demeaning. Talagang mababaw na nagkandaleche leche lang) kaya siguro madali para samin na ipag-patche patche yung mga pieces na nalamatan.

Tapos this week lang kasi pinapakinig sakin ni Kyx yung “Dati” na cover ng Ben&Ben na originally pinerform ni Sam Concepcion at Tippy Dos Santos. Yung tema talaga ng kanta is about sa past tapos parang childhood friends sila turned to sweethearts. Pero nung narinig ko yun, silang dalawa yung naalala ko. Eto kasi yung lyrics/lines na relate kaming 3 HAHA

“lagi lagi ka samin dumiderecho pag-uwi” –ganyan kami. Magkakapitbahay kasi kaming 3.

“umaawit ng theme song na sabay kinabisa, o kay sarap namang mabalikan ang alaala” –lagi kami nagmememorize nung mga kanta. May hit songs songbook pa kami lagi.

Tapos susundutan mo ng

“Sana mabalik ang dati nating pagsasama” at “Ngunit marami ngayo’y malayo ka, malabong mangyari. Ang aking pagtingin, ibulong nalang sa hangin, pangarap nalang din na gaya pa rin ng dati”

Hindi ko maiwasan na sila yung maalala ko nung narinig ko yan. (Pakinggan niyo ah, ang ganda. Nanalo yan sa PhilPop 2013.)

Masaya ako na una sa lahat, nagkaintindihan kami at nagkapatawaran sa mga mali namin pareho. Pangalawa, bumalik na yung dating kami. Kahit kaming dalawa lang.

Ayun lang yung kwento ko. Masaya lang ako. Masaya ako na tama kayo ng sinabi sa akin na makakamove on ako, na magiging okay ang lahat.

So pano, inuman na!


**wala pa din yung bwakanangshet na 13th month pay namin HELLO GUYS 5 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS WALA PA DIN? ANYARE??? ANOMPETSA NA???????**

Throwback Thursday: Angst-y Teen Part 1

I wrote a bunch of lyrics from songs as a snippet of my angst-y teenage years but it may have been too much to bear for readers so I’ll probably just break it down and write entries about it from time to time.

I was looking back at my younger self. I was 13 to 18 years old, 100 pounds emo and angst-y and angry at the world. I don’t growl at people but I just really wallow on every single emotion I have HAHAHA. It’s so cringe-worthy to even write about it because some might say I’m still as emo as I was but guys, my “emo” in the emo phase is not a joke. As in swear na sobrang emo ng emo ko HAHAHA.

I’ll share with you 5 snippets of song lyrics that help me get by in all those years hahahahah.


“I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match, what a catch, what a catch. And all I could think of is the way I’m the one who charmed the one who gave up on you” –What A Catch, Donnie, Fall Out Boy

“Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one. I let go, but there’s just no one that gets me like you do, you are my only, my only one.” – Only One, Yellowcard

“I remember the look in your eyes when I told you that this was goodbye. You were begging me not tonight, not here, not now. We’re looking up at the same night sky and keep pretending the sun will not rise. We’ll be together for one more night somewhere, somehow. If I could find you now things would get better, we could leave this town and run forever” – Ocean Avenue, Yellowcard

“Chase the moment for forever. Defense is paper thin just one touch and I’d be in too deep now to ever swim against the current , so let me slip away” – Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

“Please don’t walk away, please tell me you’ll stay, use me as you will, pull my strings just for a drill. And I know I’ll be okay though my skies are turning grey – Your Guardian Angel, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus


I have a lot of other song lyrics to post next time. What are the music you listen to when you were a teenager?