Blog readers aka blogging friends and some of you guys who randomly visit my page may know that I haven’t been writing as much as I was a year ago. I’m going to be honest and I guess you guys deserve an explanation (I think I explained it before but not thoroughly)
- Work is toxic ever since December but it became super kaduper toxic when 2018 started and it only got worst. March was the start of me—being miserable. I work late, I work on my day offs, I work at home and it’s a sad sad feeling although I don’t have a choice because if I delay working on stuff, I will also be the one who suffers in the end. I swear it’s so toxic right now. Mas toxic pa compared to kapag kumain ako ng pulbura at asido.
- I have been trying to work on myself. There are a lot of things about me that I need to work on. My physical, mental and emotional health. Since April 2017, I developed bad acne. It was the first time I experienced it and it was all triggered by a stressful event in my life followed by allergies and whatnot. After acne problems, I gained SO MUCH weight as in umabot ako sa 71kg!!! It’s insane. So I had to go on a strict diet (that I still can’t even maintain until now) I am a yogi (haven’t done yoga for 3 weeks, I am so guilty). On October 2017, I tried Herbalife (still taking Herbalife products) and I must say it helped a lot jumpstart my weight loss but it hasn’t done much since I am not maintaining a strict diet. Then by March 2017 (I think) I started boxing at Elorde. I managed to maintain the weight I am in (I have lost 2-3kg I think ever since Herbalife and boxing) but I still need to work harder though. For mental and emotional health, as much as I can, I avoid human interaction that will overwhelm me. I am an INFJ (but let’s not blame my personality type lol) so I don’t mesh well with big crowds, I try my hardest to join in conversations and whatnot but in the end, I get so drained or I get lost in the middle of the conversation. It’s nothing personal and my friends can attest to that. I just don’t do well enough in human interaction on a regular basis, that’s all. I mean I am not anti-social, don’t get me wrong. I just need time to energize myself so that I can give my 100% afterwards. Heh.
- I spend a good amount of time on twitter (and on IG) so you can go follow me there (twitter: xoxthea ; IG: xoxaila) instead. I interact with no problems in that universe.
- I also spend a good amount of my time watching anime and reading books. I am currently watching Haikyuu!! And reading Stay Sweet (I finished Crazy Rich Asians and Idk what to feel about the book. ) after watching and reading, I don’t have enough time to write. Huhu
- I also focused on my bullet journal although it’s not even instagrammable like may bu-journalists out there but I love creating my own minimalist layouts so that’s one thing.
- On another note, I felt uninspired lately. Maybe because I was already too drained at work to even feel sunshine-y about writing cause that’s what I do on a daily basis for work. Huuu
I guess that’s it! I have just been too caught up with life that I have not been writing. But ya know, I try my best anyway. I’ll keep trying.
One of the many good things I have learned through the course of brokenness, losing people and heartache is that, I’m actually done with bullshit. Yes, I’m done with my own bullshit, I’m done with other people’s bullshit. I’m basically just here to spend a good amount of time to enjoy life and appreciate all the good and bad things it has to offer.
I’m done wanting long messages from people. I no longer require a litany of comforting words. I’m long past the promises of “I’ll be there for you no matter what” because like I’ve said soooo many times before, this is the “no matter what” but where are they anyway?
I’ve appreciated and I’ve seen sincerity in short sentences. I no longer find the need for grandiosity. A simple yet sincere “thank you” is more than enough for me to know that my worth is so much more than I have given myself credit for.
More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.
I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.
But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.
So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.
Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.
If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.
Let tomorrow be the struggle of tomorrow.
Yesterday, Kyx and I are talking about how our future would go. His dad will be retiring soon and most probably, his parents would go to Nueva Ecija and live there for good. Kyx said they might only visit a few times every month. So we’d be left to guard the house, do the chores, pay the bills by ourselves. In short, we’d adult all the way. Because right now, we’re only adulting for ourselves. Or maybe he is adulting only for him and me. I do quite a lot of adulting—I send my sister to school (it is no joke to send someone to school. The tuition fee is insane and it doesn’t end in tuition fees! It has a buttload of allowance, projects and extra shit to pay for and I only get paid so little LOL), I also help pay the bills, I pay the credit card when I use it (I only ever use it when credit cards are the only method of payment available. As much as I can, I use cash in buying or booking stuff) so we only semi-adult ? I think ? But when the time comes that Kyx’s parents leave us, we’d probably be forced to full on adult our way through life.
I can tell that Kyx is a little stressed? I’m not sure but I feel like he’s not taking it as lightly as he should. He’s getting pressured because for the first time, he’d be facing a whole lot of responsibility than he ever did and that’s quite a big deal for him. I suppose. I told him not to worry because when we get to that, we’d probably be okay. We’d sort things out and we’d get through it. We are both responsible working adults so why the stress right?
“We’ll cross the bridge when we get there” is a cliché for a reason. And it’s very simple! Why do we let ourselves go through so much shit for things that already happened or things that are yet to happen? Why do we always stress ourselves so much thinking of things that are not even here yet!? Why do we always have to carry the burden of doubting ourselves and our capabilities—thinking we’re weak shit to even survive the future? It’s lame.
Living in the present requires more than just a mind-set. Living today is having faith in yourself. Trusting in your decisions, choices, intelligence and capabilities. It’s giving your best and knowing that whatever happens, God is there to help you get through shit.
So today, I told Kyx that we can make it. The thing he is worrying about is not yet here so why waste our energy thinking about it.
I thought about it and I realized that being a better person is not so much of a burden as I make it to be on most days.
I get a lot of things gathered inside my head until I suffer from too much emotional torture. I keep trying to be better but it’s a bit harder than I expected—until I realized that it shouldn’t be as hard as I’d like it!
How? It’s easy. Stop living your life the way others treat you. The way they talk to you, value you has nothing to do with how you should be. Changing your ways is nice, if it’s changing for the better. But if you find yourself changing just because that’s how you should reciprocate others’ actions, then that’s not good. Plus it makes your life hard!
What am I trying to say? It’s simple.
- If other people turn a cold shoulder, you feel like ‘oh yeah? Fine. Then I shall give you the cold treatment too!’ even if you don’t want to, even if that’s not how you are as a person. If someone is cold to you, it doesn’t mean you have to be cold to them (unless you like it like that but in my case) I can never be like that especially for people I truly care about. I mean I can let someone be, if you don’t want to talk to me then I can give you space. But if you come back to your senses and decided to talk to me, then I will talk to you as well. I won’t take the vengeful route of giving you the taste of your own medicine. I can’t be like that. I tried but I’m too soft hahahahaha.
- If people are mean to you, doesn’t mean you need to be mean to them too. Like number 1, giving other people the taste of their own medicine doesn’t always work out especially if you’re too kind. You’d end up feeling worse than you already felt so might as well just let them be. But still, be firm. I’m not saying you should let other people trample all over you. Just don’t be like them.
- Continue trying to be better even if they criticize you and accuse you of being “fake”. I have my fair share of being accused as “playing the victim”, paawa, pabebe, faking it etc etc but this is how I really am eh! I can’t be too cruel. I have said mean things about other people but I realize my mistakes as soon as I made them! If I say sorry, I mean it. If I say I miss a person, I mean it. You can’t fake emotions, can you?
So I guess I’m past the stage where I wanted them to feel what I felt. I have learned a lot through all of my life experiences but that didn’t make me cruel. All cruel and life changing experiences I went through made me tough but that doesn’t mean I’d have a bitch comeback. I’m glad I took this route and it made me love myself more. I love myself more now than I ever did when I had a lot of friends. Now I realized that as long as I love myself better, I should be okay.
Instead of objective criticism, instead of a resolution and finding an improvement to your character from other’s point of view, they use insults to spite you. They use attacks on your character, self-esteem, beliefs, values and life choices.
It’s safe to say that I have my fair share of shit and insults thrown at other people back in the day. Aside from being immature, I was certainly in a bad place. I hate myself, I hate life, I hated everything and so it reflected who I was becoming. I then realized soon enough that it was such a bad thing to live life the way I was doing so I ended up changing my ways, learning through my mistakes and trying to be a better person. You see, there’s no written rule about manners and life. It’s like we just know what’s good and bad and we use our better judgment. So when we get insulted, we see it as something negative.
It’s like we’re automatically triggered and we put our foot down trying to defend ourselves and prove them otherwise. But can you imagine how much energy would go to waste? Imagine the drama and emotional terror you’re putting yourself into? There are certain circumstances that you shouldn’t back down especially if it’s right through the heart kind of attacks (but still, use better judgment okay?)
However, when you find yourself in a situation like this. Although hurtful, try your best to rationalize things first. Try not to question your way of life just yet, think things through and don’t react. As much as possible, just let them insult you. Let them insult you ‘cause why not?
In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.
Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on.
You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.