Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.


#KyxAila S05E02: Mix Tape

Nung high school kami, binigyan ako ni Kyx ng 3 kanta na nilagay niya sa cellphone ko. 2 emo, isang metal. Tapos pinangakuan niya ako na bibigyan niya ako ng mix tape at mga guitar cover niya na nakarecord. Sabi niya regalo niya sakin yun sa pasko pero bilang hindi na kami nagpansinan matapos niya akong masigawan sa phone, di na niya naibigay ang mix tape na yan. Kaya naman nagulat din ako nung biglang..

Kyx: May ginawa akong “mix tape” para sayo pero hindi na sya sa tape eh. Kaya siguro compilation nalang yung tawag don?

Aila: Naalala mo yung mix tape na ibibigay mo dapat sakin?

K: Oo hahaha di ko na naibigay eh.

A: Onga eh. So eto, bago na to?

K: Oo. Bago yan. Marami pa ako idadagdag sana pero next time nalang. Yan nalang muna.

A: Thank you.

*pinakinggan ko ang “compilation of songs” na nilagay nya sa ipod ko.*

Wala ako sa mood kasi naaalala ko pa rin yung crush niya na kinwento niya. Hindi ako natutuwa sa compilation niya pero nung pinakinggan ko hindi ko nanaman alam ang gagawin ko o yung dapat ko maramdaman.

Unang kanta palang: Hello yeah it’s been a while, not much how ‘bout you? I’m not sure why I called. I guess I just really wanted to talk to you. And I was thinking maybe later on we could get together for a while. It’s been such a long time and I really do miss your smile.

Tapos susundan ng: Just as I walk to the door I can feel your emotion. It’s pulling me back, back to love you. Oh no I’m caught up in the middle I cry just a little when I think of letting go. Oh no, gave up on the riddle I cry just a little when he plays piano in the dark.

And then: Whatever you do I’ll be two steps behind you, wherever you go and I’ll be there to remind you that it only takes a minute of your precious time to turn around, I’ll be two steps behind.

Tapos: Please let me be a part of the tender love you’ve given to me.

Then: I was swept away without a warning just like when the morning begins the day, I was swept away. And so it begins this journey of love.

Tapos susundan pa: With all the years behind me spent pretending I didn’t need someone like you around, it makes it even harder to imagine the life I’d be living if I haven’t found someone to hold me the way that you do, someone who needs me the way I need you, someone to show me a way that is true, someone to love me, the way that I love you.

Tsaka babanat ng: Don’t go away say what you say, say that you’ll stay forever and a day in the time of my life cause I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right

Then magkakaroon ng: I’m the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I know you feel it too. Waited on the line of greens and blues just to be the next to be with you.

Tapos biglang: All I need is just a little more time to be sure what I feel, is it all in my mind? Cause it seems so hard to believe that you’re all I need.

Then: You got it all over him you got me over him honey it’s true, there’s just you, you must have been heaven sent hearing me call you when out on a limb and you’re all that he’s not. Just look what I got cause you got it all over him.

Tapos magtatapos bigla sa: Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there’s no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness take away all my sadness ease my troubles that’s what you do.

Kaya natulog nanaman ako ng nagtatanong ano nanaman ba ito? May meaning ba ito o wala? Kikiligin na ba ako ulit? Kasi di ko na talaga alam eh. Mas gugustuhin ko pang sumagot ng math problem kaysa dito eh. Kaya lang kahit sa lahat ng inis ko sakanya, nampucha kinilig ako. MWEHEHEHEHEH

I’d Really Love To See You Tonight – England Dan & John Ford Coley

Stay – Lisa Loeb

Piano in The Dark – Brenda Russel

Two Steps Behind – Def Lepard

Tender Love – Force MD

Swept Away – Christopher Cross

Someone – The Rembrandts

Don’t Go Away – Oasis

To Be With You – Mr. Big

All I Need – Jack Wagner

You Got It All – Jets

Have I Told You Lately – Rod Stewart



Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.

  1. After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
  2. I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)

Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”

                As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.

  1. I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.

Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.

Ayan na si Kyx 😂

Paepal lang 😂
Yung pinagpeprepare pa ako ni mama ng baon ☺️
Mama and Aila 😘

Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!

Usapang Relasyon

Let’s talk about relationships. I’d like this post to be light and funny, not a battle of sexes and whatnot.

I am Kyx’s first girlfriend and when I go bat-shit crazy over the smallest things, he’s left clueless and probably debating whether his girlfriend is normal or she’s really a psycho bitch.

On most days wherein Kyx and I talk about how we were and how we are now, we laugh while looking back at the petty fights and huge serious ones and analyse where it all came from and what went wrong on those days. When I do something quirky, when I get mad at something small or even when I just playfully touch his butt, he goes thinking whether we—as a couple are normal or we’ve ended up both happy and crazy?

I think, it’s normal. We girls, we talk about the shit we do. We talk about the different levels of craziness we have had or the unbelievably small things that gets blown out of proportion just cause our man is doing the opposite of what we want or not doing anything at all while men, I think they don’t talk about it. At least for Kyx and his friends. They never talk about “ang crazy ng girlfriend ko last night, nagalit sakin dahil lang hindi ko na-twirl ng maayos ang spaghetti nya” or *insert something more petty than that*. No. They don’t talk about it (or do they?)

Last night, I had a homey and cozy dinner with 2 of my childhood friends. R is our “Ate” and I knew her since I was in 1st grade while F and I have been friends since we were pre-schoolers! A lot of fun and talk over dinner—we went across the topic of how crazy we have been and the times where we argue with our partners over the smallest things. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t really start fights just for the heck of it (or yes, in some days hahahah) there’s always that irritating thing our partners did and we just had to make a point. From staying silent the whole ride home to screaming at their faces or in most days, I for a fact, cry out of anger and frustration.

But yeah, I think Kyx or some guys think their girls are not normal and are pure evil creatures in most days is because they never talk about it with their friends. Gets ba? Parang they don’t open up to their friends about the petty fights they have had with their girls cause well, they’re not the type to talk about it. Hahaha. So maybe, that’s why Kyx thinks I am not normal when I get mad over small things. HAHAHA.

In fact, over the 3 years we’ve been together, I don’t get too worked up in small things. I got over that. I just have bad days though LOL!

Is There Something by Christopher Cross

When you guys, as a couple fight about small or petty things, how do you patch things up?

For us, if it’s only me—making a big deal out of him breathing too loudly or smiling in the wrong manner or just being pissed cause I can *rolling eyes*, Kyx pulls out his funny streak and I’d end up laughing. He has this unique antics prepared for when I turn into a monster or something. One of it is playing a “patama” song while I’m brooding over things that are not even brood-worthy.

Ganito yan…

One of his favourite songs to play when I’m acting up is a song by Christopher Cross called Is There Something.

When I’m mad, pissed, upset or irritated with him he’d blast this off and I would be all like “what the actual fuck?” then he’ll smile and laugh at me. I’d go laughing and I’d forget why I’m even mad in the first place.

Sobrang gago diba? Pinapatugtog niya yan kapag napipikon na ako sakanya eh di natatawa tuloy ako. WTF hahahaha. Here’s how the chorus goes:

“Is there something that you want to tell me

Is there something that I ought to know

Are we something that’s still worth fighting for

Or should I simply let you go

Is there something I can do to reach you

Are we something more than history

I’ll find some way to convince you to stay

If you just tell me honestly

Is there something left of you and me

Nagegets niyo ba ginagawa niya? Nakakatawa kasi eh. Nagdadrama. Bigla nalang niya ‘yang papatugtugin kapag nag-aattitude ako so siyempre natatawa nalang ako, nagbabati tuloy kami ng wala sa oras hehehehe. However, he only does this kapag alam niyang kaya niya. Minsan kasi, super monster ako tawag niya doon ay “auto-demon” kaya kapag auto-demon ako, hindi niya yan magagawa. Hahaha.

Listen to the song. It’s an old one hehehe. ❤

“It’s Not What You Said, It’s How You Delivered It”

More often than not, mas nakakainis yung how you said it compared to what it was that you said. I hate pa-angas and defensive tones especially if I am not even trying to pick a fight but during my teenage years, ganyan din ako.

I used to have a problem with my intonation. I come off as defensive and angry because of wanting to explain agad agad without even thinking twice. Even though most of the time, I wasn’t even trying to be disrespectful (most of the time lang kasi minsan bastos talaga yung goal ko sarreh—teeanger eh hahaha) It is important to note that this is a case to case basis, it’s not like I do this to everyone. I think (mas nakakaguilty pero) I only talk like this with my Family and Kyx. Siyempre now, I don’t  mean to disrespect, it’s just that I am so emotional and I let them see my emotions. Walang keme and that’s why nagiging ganyan yung tono ko. Hindi ko na kasi iniisip mabuti because I am just this genuine person na what you see is what you get (sa family and kay Kyx only take note because, 1. I don’t talk to a lot of people 2. Most of the time wala akong pakielam sa mga ibang taong nasa paligid, what they think of me what they say about me so kebs lang. 3. I don’t like explaining myself to people I don’t care about) kaya this is where the conflict comes.

On my formative years, andiyan talaga yung sermon but now that I am an adult, my mom understands that I am just snappy sometimes. Kyx also knows that pero he can’t help but tell me that I always sound as if I am picking a fight (kapag may temper issues nang nagaganap haha) So to avoid conflict, I worked hard on my intonation. It was very challenging kasi it’s like working on something on live television. No cuts, no practice, no nothing. You get your “practice” in a real scenario kaya it was hard. Lalo na I don’t have much patience sa mga bagay na nakakainis talaga. But here are my (unsolicited) tips on how you can work on your tone and be more chillax (if you’re someone like me na ma-emosyon at hindi mapigilan mapa-angil minsan)

  1. Breathe in, breathe out. This is not easy to do especially if you’re being triggered or challenged by someone or something so annoying. But when you just breathe for 5 to 10 seconds without talking, you’ll calm yourself in no time (case to case basis; depende sa sitwasyon but most of the time, this works)
  2. If you feel like someone is triggering you, wag ka mag-trigger agad agad. Just like what my lola would tell me “wag ka makinig sa debil” (don’t listen to the devil) do everything to shut it out and not let it get on to your nerves. When you let it happen, panalo si debil. **Backstory: when my brother, Theo and I are younger—he would often tease me and pick a fight. Sadyang manunukso talaga, ako naman patola and iyakin so to console me, my Lola would tell me not to listen to the devil—my brother HAHAHA)
  3. Choose your battles. Kahit saang situation, napapasok talaga ito eh. Weigh the situation, weigh the people involved. You should know if it’s worth it. If not, don’t waste your time and energy involving yourself in useless drama.
  4. If you need to answer or defend yourself in a way, do it in a civilized manner. This is hard especially for someone like me who is terribly emotional but you have to make sure to calm yourself before opening your mouth. You don’t want to regret anything do you?
  5. There’s always a better way to communicate. Siyempre not all situations will fit this perfectly, but as long as you can communicate properly, yun nalang ang mas piliin.

When it comes to family and Kyx, I am not one to just “walk away” to a conflict. I completely involve myself kaya walking away from conflict talaga is not applicable with me. At 26, kinakain pa rin ako ng emotions ko and I let things get to me lalo na pag family and relationships ang involved. But as they say, every drama, every day is an opportunity for growth and learning. (in reference to number 3)

I am not an expert but most of the time; I can control my intonation na talaga. (not my actions though kaya nga nasabunutan ko yung kapatid ko eh. Pero I am working on that na don’t worry)

“Magkaibigan lang kami” Is So Tiring

*this post is mostly written in Tagalog*

I did mention before that Kyx and I started as really good friends.

Everything was so slow for us and when the time came, it all happened at once that I didn’t have time to savor the moments of being in a mutual understanding kind of phase.

We were literally just friends. Like we didn’t have that landian phase? I mean we did but we kind of established it when we started dating. It was all just too quick.

So ganito diba, we don’t talk everyday when we were just friends. Walang harut harutan na nangyari. Then when we accidentally bumped into each other after not seeing him for years doon na nagstart na magusap kami everyday. We texted and talked over Facebook chat araw araw and that same week, we went out. Nanood kami Guardians of the Galaxy and we were just friends pero ano ba, crush ko na kasi talaga sya nung time na yun. But we were just friends eh diba?

After weeks of going out on dates, we sort of established na MU kami, walang ganap na “saan ba ako lulugar?” walang “mafefriendzone kaya ako?” walang ganon. Kasi parang napagkasunduan na namin agad—though we didn’t talk about it, parang naintindihan lang namin parehas na we’re both on the same page. Siguro we were too old for pabebe scenarios. 23 na kami nung time na yun and Kyx never had a girlfriend before. (ako talaga kasi first niya diba bwahaha pilitin ko sya ako na last char) so looking back, I feel like wala siyang time magpacute or pabebe pa kung we like each other or not diba.

Ang dami kong sinasabi, eto na yung part na bakit ko ba sinusulat to.

Yesterday, I told Kyx that I miss being just friends with him so I asked him if we can pretend that we’re just friends. Sinakyan naman niya trip ko. So naguusap kami na kunyari friends lang kami ganyan, baliw lang diba haha. SIguro from 9am to 5pm ganyan kami. But then, I got tired!! Parang the situation is sucking all the energy I have? Parang literal na kapagod eh.

Kaya naisip ko, it is so physically, mentally and emotionally draining to not know where you stand in someone’s life. It’s so hard to impit and hide your emotions, pretending you just want to be friends with someone when in fact, legit na gusto mo talaga siya yung makasama mo forever. I’m thankful that I’m not in that kind of situation pero I feel for those who are in the friendzone. I mean yung hindi pa nafefriendzone pero yung confused na kung saan ba sila lulugar. It’s so hard to be in that position.

Aside from praying for your heart’s desire, gawan mo na ng paraan yan. I mean humanap ka na ng timing na mawala ka sa posisyon na yan. Life is short, hindi habang buhay makakapagpabebe ka. Tsaka ang hirap ng ganyan, nakakapagod literal.