“Magkaibigan lang kami” Is So Tiring

*this post is mostly written in Tagalog*

I did mention before that Kyx and I started as really good friends.

Everything was so slow for us and when the time came, it all happened at once that I didn’t have time to savor the moments of being in a mutual understanding kind of phase.

We were literally just friends. Like we didn’t have that landian phase? I mean we did but we kind of established it when we started dating. It was all just too quick.

So ganito diba, we don’t talk everyday when we were just friends. Walang harut harutan na nangyari. Then when we accidentally bumped into each other after not seeing him for years doon na nagstart na magusap kami everyday. We texted and talked over Facebook chat araw araw and that same week, we went out. Nanood kami Guardians of the Galaxy and we were just friends pero ano ba, crush ko na kasi talaga sya nung time na yun. But we were just friends eh diba?

After weeks of going out on dates, we sort of established na MU kami, walang ganap na “saan ba ako lulugar?” walang “mafefriendzone kaya ako?” walang ganon. Kasi parang napagkasunduan na namin agad—though we didn’t talk about it, parang naintindihan lang namin parehas na we’re both on the same page. Siguro we were too old for pabebe scenarios. 23 na kami nung time na yun and Kyx never had a girlfriend before. (ako talaga kasi first niya diba bwahaha pilitin ko sya ako na last char) so looking back, I feel like wala siyang time magpacute or pabebe pa kung we like each other or not diba.

Ang dami kong sinasabi, eto na yung part na bakit ko ba sinusulat to.

Yesterday, I told Kyx that I miss being just friends with him so I asked him if we can pretend that we’re just friends. Sinakyan naman niya trip ko. So naguusap kami na kunyari friends lang kami ganyan, baliw lang diba haha. SIguro from 9am to 5pm ganyan kami. But then, I got tired!! Parang the situation is sucking all the energy I have? Parang literal na kapagod eh.

Kaya naisip ko, it is so physically, mentally and emotionally draining to not know where you stand in someone’s life. It’s so hard to impit and hide your emotions, pretending you just want to be friends with someone when in fact, legit na gusto mo talaga siya yung makasama mo forever. I’m thankful that I’m not in that kind of situation pero I feel for those who are in the friendzone. I mean yung hindi pa nafefriendzone pero yung confused na kung saan ba sila lulugar. It’s so hard to be in that position.

Aside from praying for your heart’s desire, gawan mo na ng paraan yan. I mean humanap ka na ng timing na mawala ka sa posisyon na yan. Life is short, hindi habang buhay makakapagpabebe ka. Tsaka ang hirap ng ganyan, nakakapagod literal.

Today is Kyxarie’s Birthday!

For all of you who have been reading my Kyxarie appreciation posts (not that I do it a lot but hehehe) you must know by now that Kyx was a long-time friend before we finally hit it off right?

I’d like to share with you why I love his birthday as much as I love my own birthday lol. Here’s the message a wrote for him.

Ever wonder why I always bother celebrating your birthday and pulling off a lot of crazy surprises? Why I let myself go the extra mile? Well aside from celebrating your life on earth (which is so important for me, to be honest) I have a different thought of gratitude towards birthdays, our birthdays and yours in general.

Because you know, for 7 long years (prolly the longest years of my life lels joke) your birthday is my sure fire way of an excuse to again, open my lines of communication (because a. I was playing really hard to get and didn’t want to give myself away ever so obviously and b. I didn’t want to give myself away as obviously as I was actually doing lels) It was the best excuse to finally hit you up and greet you “Happy Birthday” then I sort of expect a “how are you” after the birthday greetings and whatnot until such time that I have to wait for my birthday so you can talk to me (you actually use my birthday as an excuse too, right?)

 

Now, that it’s your birthday, I find it funny that it’s not an excuse anymore to talk to you. Finally I get to make up for the lost time (those that we actually wasted for playing hard to get all these years) and we get to celebrate it happily!

Happy 26th Birthday Ddear! Gone are the days that:

 

Me: Happy Birthday, Kyxa!

Kyx: Thank you! San na surprise mo sakin? :3 ❤

Me: hehehehehehehe abangan mo nalang…

Kyx: Musta ka na?

 

And the conversation dies after a good 15 minutes. LELS.

But I guess on your birthday, the gods of Fate were so fed up that 2 days after he let us bumped into each other and the rest is history!

I hope I continue to make you happy for the rest of our lives. Happy happy birthday and I love you so much!

 

As I said before, I didn’t like my own birthday until my mom made me realize that birthdays are blessings because you know, you get to celebrate another gift of life right? (No offense to those who do not celebrate their birthdays)

It Took All of Me

Let’s just all be brutally honest for once. After my 26th birthday, I was called out for all the bullshit I had said and done 100 years ago and was told off. I was left behind by everyone I stuck up with for more than 10 years and then bahm, I was out.

I didn’t realize until now how strong I have become and how strong I was back then. It took a lot for me emotionally, mentally and physically to stay here. To stay alive. It took me so much energy and pain to be able to stand again.

I thought the world was crumbling down in front of me, I thought I was seriously friendless. I even thought that maybe they’re right, maybe I was such a bad friend, a bad person. But then I realized every good thing that I did, every single time I chose them over a lot of other things, all the times I had sacrificedmyself—simple joys, happiness, food, time, soul, just so I could be with them. For all the times I didn’t enjoy but simply put myself out there because I didn’t wanna miss out, I wanted to be with them. For all the times I didn’t even like myself that much anymore because I felt so drained, I felt really bad for the things I did and said and I didn’t even realize how much it would cost me. Those petty things I did, I didn’t know it would hurt even after 100 years after. But maybe, just maybe, everything needed to happen like that. Everything need to fall apart so I can find all the pieces back.

Everything needed to just breakdown, crumble, torn apart so I can gather all the pieces of me that got lost in the process.

Everything needed to be destroyed so that I can rebuild myself again.

All these things, it took all of me. It took my heart and soul and I can’t say I am whole again. I can’t say I have fully moved on. I can’t say I couldn’t feel bad for everything that happened before because trust me, I do. I still do. I dream about my 2 ex-best friends almost every day. I dream about them being with me, doing the usual stuff that we do. I sometimes still wish we could all go back. But then I have to remind myself time and again, over and over and over and over again that it took all of me just so I could be where I am right now. Just so I could feel what I feel right now.

It took all of me just so I could find myself again.

It took all of me just so I could grow.

Are They Being Sexist or What?

Understanding the comments of other people against Cohabiting.

In addition to my thoughts about cohabiting and all that crap, I read a few articles and saw other people’s comments and my oh my. Hahahahaha I have no words. Here are a few comments of other people on articles about cohabiting and here’s my two cents on the matter.

  • Moms, we shld never let our daughter do this. Sobra naman ang mga guys na ganyan. E kung di niya pakasalan, idu-dump na lng ang pobreng girl!” What in the world? “idu-dump na lang ang pobreng girl!”? (We should never let our daughter do this. What if the guy wouldn’t end up marrying the girl? The poor girl gets dump!”) Excuse me but why does ending a relationship makes a girl KAWAWA or POBRE to begin with? Girls can stand bad break ups. Girls are strong enough to know when to give the fuck up, what makes a girl kawawa when relationship ends? WAY TOO SEXIST. ABOVE AND BEYOND SEXIST.
  • “Hindi sya magandang tignan” what makes a relationship magandang tignan (pleasing to the eyes)? If they are “happily” married? Excuse me but not all those who get married are FREAKING HAPPY. And honestly, what’s with having an appealing relationship What makes it hindi magandang tignan?
  • “Ang babae nirerespeto hindi dahil modern na ngayon dapat magbago na din ang ating paniniwala na okay lang ang live in. Mas maganda pa din na ngssama sila ng kasal na sila.”  (Girls should be respected. It’s modern now but it doesn’t mean that we should change our ways and be open to cohabiting. It’s still way nicer if they get married first before living together) What does respect have to do with all these?

Sometimes, I’ll be silent and would realize why do I even bother? It’s okay to agree to disagree, but I keep seeing comments saying “sana magbreak kayo” or “sana maging babae lahat ng anak mo para malaman mo bakit hindi pwede mag live in” HOHOHO. I have no words.

I get it, maybe it all goes back to sexist issues. It’s all rooted from stupid sexist issues. Does a marriage guarantee love forever? Does a marriage guarantee happiness forever? I think not. Marriage is not some form of security. A lot of other couples get married and still end up wanting to kill each other, end up cheating on each other. So I don’t think marriage is the answer for those who want to cohabit. LOL.

Another thing is I don’t get why “talo ang babae pag naghiwalay sila” what makes a girl a loser? What makes her lesser of a person because a relationship failed? For all I care, women can overcome a heart break just like any other human being. How is a girl TALO?

The only comic relief I got from browsing through the stupid comments were from a guy, intelligent and smart enough to let out what he thinks. Kudos to Kuya! I might just shoot him a message to show him how much I appreciate his intelligence 😀

If They Don’t Like Being My Friend

If they don’t like you, they don’t like you. Period. And that’s not something you need to be sad about hun. That’s something you need to be okay with.

We are not in control of other people’s feelings, that’s why it’s always magic when you know people and become their friends. A person can even become your significant other!

So don’t get too sad when a person doesn’t like you for no reason at all. Don’t go questioning it, don’t get too affected by it because you know the silver lining on this? You wouldn’t know the happy and magical feeling of you and your friends’ connection if it weren’t for people who have no connection or spark or whatever it is with you. You will appreciate what you have more because you know the feeling when others do not like you while your friends love you unconditionally.

Friendship is a tricky thing in life. It makes and breaks you but the thing with friendship is that it is supposed to make you feel better about yourself and about life in general. Imagine having no friends at all? Imagine not having at least one friend? It’s sad right?

So instead of wishing for everyone to befriend you, make your built friendship stronger than ever.

The One That Got Away

If not all, most of us have that person in our life. The one that falls under the list of “could have been”. Someone that just can’t simply go on the “just friends” list but also couldn’t go beyond the “more than friends” list. Just on the gray part. Never on the black, never on the white.

To help you understand where I’m coming from, let’s give this story telling a chance. I was blogging ever since 2004 I think? Then I met this blogger guy in 2008. We constantly read each other’s blog until we got to the point that we reached a more personal level. Like blogging is not enough, we would text each other and even talk on the phone but we were just really good friends! We didn’t date, we didn’t get to that point. But we met once.

I was part of our school theatre. I wrote in my blog an invite for our first play and then he told me he’d come and watch. He did. I met him. I was too awkward so maybe we didn’t get to talk that much but we continued texting each other. We’d often read each other’s blogs every now and then but that’s it. Our communication just ended abruptly and I don’t know what happened until he went to the States and migrated. I never saw him even before he went to the States so..

I guess we both liked each other a lot back then but there was no chance for us to explore these feelings because the timing was so off? I think it was 2010 when I had the courage to tell him that I did sort of feel something, no. scratch that. I told him that I have loved him but the timing was off and it couldn’t have worked. It was funny because there were no hurt, no awkward feeling, no nothing. Just sheer fun and joy.

We remained friends, until now we were friends.

I think my point is, I never really got over what we had because there was nothing to get over with anyway? Hahahah. I mean sometimes, no. Most of the time, I still think about that person.

You wouldn’t be able to help it! You still care for that person and of course you wish them well. Like there’s no hurting or hatred. It’s just pure love. Ya know what I mean? Like you just really care and love that person without even thinking if you can be with them or not.

So to my—The One That Got Away,

You know the lump that forms in your throat when you’re about to say something right but not what you really wanted to say? It’s this one. I mean, I really love being your friend. No matter how long it has been since we last spoken, I still feel like nothing has changed between us. We’re still the good friends that we are before! We’re still the same people but we have changed? I don’t know how to put it but a lot has changed yet we’re still the same? Ahh. I just really. Well. Wanted to thank you for being that person. Maybe we didn’t end up together because we’re better people when we were friends? Or am I just saying this? But really, I am happy with the thought that somewhere in the planet, you are also happy. See you soon!

Xox,T.

Simple Pleasures on Simple Joys and Surprises

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(that’s a photo of huge pandesals with 3 in 1 Old Town Coffee)

I feel like I write about Kyx 70% of the time and maybe it can be annoying sometimes but most of my happy moments and realizations are spent with him, through him and that’s why I write a lot about our relationship.

I love pandesal. It’s a breakfast bread here in the Philippines and I forgot the last time I ate pandesal! It’s crazy. So today, March 9, 2017, Kyx surprised me with huge pandesals!! I was so stoked and excited. I can’t eat a lot of carbs because I am on a very strict diet but let’s just say I let this pandesal pass.

In these simple gestures I find pleasure. In these simple surprise, I found greatness, no lies!

It just goes to show how little things can make a bigger impact. It’s such a symbolism that not every grand gesture would bring ultimate pleasure and not all small stuff would bring disappointment. It’s really nice to have someone who will keep proving that the world is a beautiful place.