I thought about it and I realized that being a better person is not so much of a burden as I make it to be on most days.
I get a lot of things gathered inside my head until I suffer from too much emotional torture. I keep trying to be better but it’s a bit harder than I expected—until I realized that it shouldn’t be as hard as I’d like it!
How? It’s easy. Stop living your life the way others treat you. The way they talk to you, value you has nothing to do with how you should be. Changing your ways is nice, if it’s changing for the better. But if you find yourself changing just because that’s how you should reciprocate others’ actions, then that’s not good. Plus it makes your life hard!
What am I trying to say? It’s simple.
- If other people turn a cold shoulder, you feel like ‘oh yeah? Fine. Then I shall give you the cold treatment too!’ even if you don’t want to, even if that’s not how you are as a person. If someone is cold to you, it doesn’t mean you have to be cold to them (unless you like it like that but in my case) I can never be like that especially for people I truly care about. I mean I can let someone be, if you don’t want to talk to me then I can give you space. But if you come back to your senses and decided to talk to me, then I will talk to you as well. I won’t take the vengeful route of giving you the taste of your own medicine. I can’t be like that. I tried but I’m too soft hahahahaha.
- If people are mean to you, doesn’t mean you need to be mean to them too. Like number 1, giving other people the taste of their own medicine doesn’t always work out especially if you’re too kind. You’d end up feeling worse than you already felt so might as well just let them be. But still, be firm. I’m not saying you should let other people trample all over you. Just don’t be like them.
- Continue trying to be better even if they criticize you and accuse you of being “fake”. I have my fair share of being accused as “playing the victim”, paawa, pabebe, faking it etc etc but this is how I really am eh! I can’t be too cruel. I have said mean things about other people but I realize my mistakes as soon as I made them! If I say sorry, I mean it. If I say I miss a person, I mean it. You can’t fake emotions, can you?
So I guess I’m past the stage where I wanted them to feel what I felt. I have learned a lot through all of my life experiences but that didn’t make me cruel. All cruel and life changing experiences I went through made me tough but that doesn’t mean I’d have a bitch comeback. I’m glad I took this route and it made me love myself more. I love myself more now than I ever did when I had a lot of friends. Now I realized that as long as I love myself better, I should be okay.
Sometimes, on gloomy days, I get to thinking about the things I wish I had done, things I wish I didn’t do, things I should’ve said, things I should have kept to myself. Sometimes I think about how I acted on a certain situation—whether it was for the better or had it led me to some hell.
On gloomy days just like this, when the sun is fighting for its way but the rain and thunder and lightning is too overpowering, I get to thinking about the decisions I made.
I was told that when something happens, it happens for a reason greater than my own imagination. Bigger than me, bigger than my expectations. I was told things happen and its never a predetermination nor a predestination. It just happened cause it’s supposed to happen. It happened because that’s something written on my life story.
I sit here looking at the light pink, sun still peaking, a blend of purple and light blue covering the sky, droplets on the window pane and wonder if I am supposed to be certain with my life right now or be okay with how clueless I have been ever since getting my degree.
I sit here as my mind races, scrambles and picks up to where my boss started to stop looking at me, pretending that I do not exist. My mind tries to trace what happened or if he is just too busy? Nevertheless, I’d leave this company soon enough so why should I bother right?
Oh well, in gloomy days like this, my mind is just as melty as the mud that was caused by the rain.
As Wednesday being such a pain in the butt, I had to try and seek positivity in the midst of impossibility. It’s something hard to do especially when you’re almost full of anguish and shit like that. As annoying as everything may seem, I came to realize upon questioning why does this need to happen (all the freaking time) and then I was answered immediately. I feel like this is God’s way of showing and making me feel that love exists in a world of battles, hardships, difficult times and hate. Amidst these sadness, I am answered with hope and pure positivity that love is in fact, true. In all angles, true. These are the moments that you realize how you have a really pure loving heart despite all the anger you put towards stress and everyday struggle. This is beyond what I expected. This is far higher than what I wanted to know. Because amidst all the trials, you realize that you love people dearly and no matter how stupid things can get, you will never stop caring even though you are struggling yourself.
I have a lot of feelings toward a lot of different things. It is hard to contain them so I end up not talking. Especially in the office. People at the office sees me really quiet, snobbish and shy. This is because I am trying to focus on a different energy cause when I talk, I spill the beans. I spill everything and pour my heart out.
Going back, being someone who has a lot of feelings, I try my hardest to use my brain. Feelings and thinking can be complicated once dealt with so it’s hard enough to control your emotions. I have yet to discover my inner self and one thing I knew now is how much I will continue to care for people I love even when I am hurting. When you mature, you understand what true love is. You understand that love is still love even beyond the struggles and tears. When you love someone, you stop thinking about yourself and your own comfort. You dive right in, through it all—head first! That’s genuine love, that’s not dumb and stupid. Because love doesn’t go by instinct at all. Especially about family.