Hello!

There are a lot of things going on in my life lately that I didn’t even have a chance to greet everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Or maybe, ayoko kasing magpabebe na bumati pero hindi naman ako festive talaga tapos napipilitan lang. Kaya hindi nalang din.

I realized that on Christmas Day and on the first day of 2018, I was crying my eyes out. What a way to celebrate right? Soooo emotional. Anyway, I hope that you guys enjoyed the holidays spent with family and friends. ❤

I am trying so hard to write about everything that’s been happening but I just can’t bring myself to finish whatever blog post I started and it’s so frustrating. I guess, I’m on a writing slump or there’s just a lot going on that I can’t help but feel so shitty.

**tagalog incoming**

Over the past months kasi ang daming ganap diba, ang daming hanash ng mundo tapos kailangan ko lang mag-keep up kasi hindi naman talaga titigil ang mundo sa pag-ikot dahil sa kalungkutan ko at mga kung ano anong nararamdaman. Hindi maganda yung family set-up namin kasi may mga hindi magandang nasabi na hindi mo maintindihan bakit nasabi. Basta ang sakin lang, kapag ganyan ang isang anak sa magulang, kailangan niya sigurong mag-isip isip. Mag-reflect at magpakumbaba. Tapos sa side naman  ng papa ko diba namatayan kami so ano ba diba, sobrang nakakalungkot yon. Ni hindi naman ako makauwi kasi walang bakasyon bakasyon dito sa office namin tapos death anniversary ng kapatid ng mama ko nung nag-Baguio kami. Sa likod ng masasayang larawan, nakalakip doon yung mga lungkot na dinadala namin. Hindi naman ako nagpapanggap na masaya, gusto ko lang klaruhin na hindi lahat ng mga nakikita nating nakapost sa social media ay bunga ng pagpapasarap sa buhay. May mga storya sa likod nito na nakakadurog ng puso. Sobra kong frustrated talaga kasi ilang pasko na ba kami ganito diba? Lagi nalang. Tuwing magmomove on kami, madadagdagan ng kalechehan.

Nung bisperas ng bagong taon, nagdinner kami sa bahay ng tita namin at dun na rin naming sinalubong ang bagong taon ng maraming pagkain at wine. NKKLK.

Bagong Taon naman ay reunion sa side ng lola ko. Masaya lagi doon kahit simple lang. Favorite ko ang January 1 dahil nakakasama ko ang pamilya namin sa side ng lola ko.

Masaya na malungkot. Masaya kasi ang dami daming bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat, pero nakakalungkot dahil may mga pangyayari na hindi mo talaga maiiwasan. Nasaktuhan lang na wrong timing.

Kaya ayan ngayon. Hindi ako masyado nagkakakausap ng mga tao, hindi ako masyadong nakikipagkwentuhan kasi lalabas lang yung lungkot ko, makakahawa lang ako ng ka-negahan. Tapos may mga bagay din na hindi ko naman alam paano pa sasabihin at ikukwento kasi yung ganitong mga bagay, kailangan ko lang talagang tanggapin eh. Walang formula, walang kailangang opinyon kung papaano ko makakayanan to kasi ako lang din mismo ang makaka-solve nito sa sarili ko. Sad. Hahahah.

Kaya pasensya na kung hindi ako masyadong nagrereply o hindi ako masyadong nakikipagusap. Ganon lang talaga ako. Coping mechanism ko siguro ang mapagisa kung minsan.

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“God Doesn’t See Me”

Mga hanash ko, drama at iba pang nasa loob ng isip ko. I didn’t even try na ayusin ang composition ko dito. Raw and full of emotions. Bear with me he he he hehehe


I’ve been putting this off for a while that’s why I haven’t been really on the loop. That’s the introvert in me working and it has been like this for me in the past weeks. Okay so klaruhin muna natin, being an introvert doesn’t mean I have to be quiet and shy all the freaking time especially when I like the company of the people I am with however, I don’t always get to be like that because most of the time, I recharge myself. Sa sobrang daming ganap ng life ko, I don’t think I have a lot of energy to socialize and communicate etc etc. Also, don’t tell me who I am. Thank you.

Okay so going back, I have a lot on my plate both work wise, personal wise, family wise, relationship wise, lahat na. At work, though I finished everything before Christmas, we still have to crunch because there are people who will go on leave, on vacation and I need to check their work so ang daming deadlines nila na kailangan ko din habulin and it’s so stressful to be honest. Family wise, you don’t have any idea how much bullshit I have to go through to the levels na gusto namin mag-hibernate ni mama because life at home is stressful. Magpapasko nalang puro pa kabullshitan ang ganap hence the Baguio trip that we had last 21st of December with my aunt (mom’s sister) I was so happy that I chose to go on this trip (kahit hindi ako bayad from 21 until Pasko) because I got to spend more time with my mom, aunt, cousins, nephews and of course, my maarte sister. We don’t go on trips a lot kasi mej praning mom ko sa mga biyahe, she doesn’t like to travel or go on adventures so this out of town trip is one for the books dahil looking forward mom ko dito. Relationship wise, I didn’t have a lot of time for Kyx kasi we were both so busy with all the ganap in life. Siya busy with work, although I get to see him every day naman, but I only get to spend time with him when we’re stuck in traffic pero when we get home, I do my thing (yoga, skincare) then I go to bed immediately. Wala na kaming time for lambingan and all that kasi pagoda tragedy talaga ako nakakaloka.

Like what I said, I enjoyed the Baguio trip so much. Ultimate bonding experience with mom and my aunt’s family, super close kasi kami so it wasn’t awkward, talagang enjoy lang. But I can’t fully enjoy as in yung masaya pati heart and soul ko kasi on the 21st, the brother of my gramps, tatay Zosing, passed away at around 5 in the afternoon. We were on our way to Baguio and I got a call from my dad saying that tatay passed away—that meant he was gone right? That meant I have to let him go and that meant I have to keep my tears from falling because I want to be strong for my dad, for my family. I was sitting idly and I was trying so hard to hold back tears, my stomach clenched and my chest felt so heavy. ANG LALA.

Papa: Anak, kumain ka na ba? Nasan ka?

Me: On the way po sa Baguio with mama.

Papa: Ganon ba Anak? Ingat kayo ni mama mo. Anak, si tatay kasi, wala na siya. Wala na ang tiyo zosing kaninang 5pm.

Me: Ganon po ba pa? Ang lungkot naman po. Huling kita na pala namin ng tatay nung pista.

Papa: Oo nga eh. Ganon talaga anak. Sige, tatawag nalang ako ulit, asikasuhin ko lang muna ditto.

*poker face*

When I hid my phone, my mom immediately said “wala na ang tatay?” I just nodded and tried to sleep.

**tagalog incoming**

Hindi ko alam ano yung mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o magpapasalamat ba ako sa Diyos na at least, wala nang hirap na mararamdaman yung lolo ko? Ang sakit kasi naaalala ko kung gaano ako minahal non. Kahit apo lang niya ako sa pamangkin niya (pamangkin niya si papa) sobrang mahal ako nung taong yun. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita kasi nasa Batangas sila, hiwalay parents ko, nasa Manila ako, nagkaron pa ng hidwaan sila ng lolo ko (tatay ng papa ko) so ang hirap na wala kaming communication. Napakasakit kasi ang daming oras ang nasayang na hindi kami nagkita at nagkausap manlang eh. Nung umuwi ako sa Batangas nung piyesta sa Nasugbu, nasa ospital na siya at dinalaw ko siya. Huling kita na pala namin yun. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit sakit sakin kasi ayaw ko naman na magalala din si mama sakin. Alam mo yun? Yung tangina nung nararamdaman ko pero di ko malabas kasi wala sa lugar??? Di ko alam. Siguro ako lang to ganon, pero wag niyo sabihin sakin kung paano ako dapat umarte, paano ko maramdaman yung nararamdaman ko and yung ano yung dapat na ginawa ko kasi hindi naman kayo yung nasa posisyon ko.

**

I was losing it but that’s the thing with people like me, we don’t show it as it is. We try to shrug it off as if we’re okay but in reality, we’re going through a rough time and we just choose to keep it because that’s how we cope with our problems. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang ipakita sa inyo kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na “okay lang yan” kasi hindi okay. Hindi talaga okay. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na pinagdaanan na yan ng maraming tao, kaya kaya mo din yan kasi kahit kaya ko, magkaiba kami nung taong yun. Magkaiba kami ng personal experiences at ng way kung paano mag-deal sa problems. -_-

So ayun na nga. Sobrang dami kong hanash kasi I never liked celebrating the Holidays kasi every year, it doesn’t feel like I have the right to do so. 4 years na kaming ganito, na may namamatay before, after, Christmas and New Year. I know that it’s not about me, my feelings and my family pero the Holidays is not about just faking to be happy and making beso with relatives that do not even care about me. I just don’t like it.

Kahit nung wala pang mga namamatay sa family namin in that time of the year, ayoko talaga ng Pasko because it’s lonely for me. It reminds me of the lonelye feeling I had when my mom was still in Dubai. She’s not home for Christmas kasi she chooses to be on vacation kapag vacation din namin sa school so birthday ko yun lagi na nandito siya and I’d rather want that than to have her celebrate Christmas with us. Matagal siyang wala for Christmas. 10 years kaming nagpapasko na wala siya so I never liked it, I never felt festive. Pinamumudmuran kami ng pera at regalo ng mga kapamilya namin (I’m not complaining) but it’s not what Christmas means for me. Hindi ako naging mahilig sa pera at regalo because I always loved simple celebrations with mama, kaya yung mga gifts, it’s not something I would choose over my mom, or my family. Ayoko mag-emo shit or magsira ng Christmas mood niyo kaya sinulat ko to after Christmas na.

Ilang pasko pa ba yung ganito para sakin at sa pamilya ko?

Yesterday, Christmas (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) I was having a breakdown. Ang daming masasakit na ganap sa buhay ko, sa lahat lahat tuwing Pasko tapos ngayon sobrang whoooo di ko na kaya. So I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Kyx was comforting me and one thing I loved about the way he comforted me was that he’s not confused. He knows exactly what I’m going through and why I am acting the way I am kaya he’s just there, trying to calm me down. Then I blurted out

“God doesn’t see me. I am suffering, my family is suffering and I just want to feel comforted, I want to be assured that things are happening because it has a greater purpose and not because I am cursed. I feel like God does not see me anymore”

then Kyx started to cry. He told me that God sees me and that even though I am suffering, I am not alone.

“You’re suffering, nahihirapan ka pero tignan mo ako. Di ba nandito din ako? Nahihirapan din ako ‘pag nahihirapan ka. You’re not alone, Ddear. And God sees you! He has plans for you, for us. Don’t ever think that he doesn’t see you and doesn’t want you to be comforted. God is rooting for you.”

So ayan, nagiyakan kami after ng “God doeasn’t see me” hanash ko.

Pero aside sa mga hanash kong ito, I am still grateful. Kahit ang daming painful memories ng pasko at bagong taon para sakin, I am still blessed to have my mom, my sister, Kyx, my friends, my family and people close to me, pati na rin ang mga TFIOB friends ko. I am grateful that despite every shit I have to go through, I still have people who will support me and go through hell and back with and for me. So in a nut shell, laban lang!

“I Just Wanna Fucking Kill Myself Already”

I was writing about “Korean Skincare So Far” but decided to delay it because: 1. I’m still waiting for a buttload of products from Althea Korea. 2. I haven’t been using the products for a long time to write an in depth review so I shall wait and see. However, I have been getting a lot of “blooming ka” from people lately so I guess this Korean Skincare products are working its amazing magic on my face. (my face that Satan left after he used it for slumber party with the demons of acne and ugliness)

So anyway, let’s talk about something else.

I am on a very strict diet and it’s my 5th day today. I’m too heavy for my height and I’m running out of clothes to wear so, I guess I should really be on this 1,100 calorie diet for 6 months! HAH!

What else?

I started reading Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. Man oh man I first read it in 3rd grade and that was what?! 16 years ago?! GRABE.

I have written so many things but I didn’t publish it because that’s just the person that I am and I have no excuses. Lels. Joke. I mean, I lost the momentum. I was writing with my emotions but the moment I want to publish it, the emotion has long been gone so I feel like a different person. Dapat talaga after writing it mapublish ko na agad eh.


Yesterday I was stressing over something that hasn’t happened yet. I am stressed out with the idea that it’s almost November and I need to start saving money for my sister’s tuition fee for the next school year and I haven’t even finished paying for this year yet. ANO NA. I am forcing myself to think that this is a good investment. That my sister needs this and this is important but sometimes, I feel down. I don’t know if I’m just not mature enough for this responsibility but maybe, I can get through this. Just the thought of me—paying again and again and again makes me feel down. Maybe I’m selfish? Maybe I’m overthinking it. *eto na bubuhos na ang emosyon*

As I kept saying, I don’t get paid a lot. As in saktong sakto lang talaga. Kaya ngayon, I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t have debts but I feel like I’m in the middle of a deep blue sea and I can’t keep up with life anymore. Sometimes I want to kill myself already just to be over and done with all the shit I have been going through and those that I will still go through (while typing this, I feel like crying but I can’t cry right now. Not right now.)

I don’t want to think that my sister’s education is a burden but it feels like it. I am so god damn tired of paying for her tuition fee but I’d like to think that this is the help my mom needs even if I don’t give her the money for her personal needs. Minsan kasi nafifeel ko na sa mama ko nalang sana naibibigay yung pera pero hindi eh. Napupunta sa tuition fee. I think I should bear more love. Squeeze more love from my breaking and aching heart.

You know what makes me feel so stressed like this that I want to kill myself now? It’s because that I am thinking how my savings is soooo little and I’m already 26. I don’t get to save much for myself because I keep giving it away. Pera lang yan they say. Pera lang yan and kikitain ko ulit yan. Hindi naman ako mukang pera pero pano yung future ko? Pano yung gusto ko naman din magkaroon ng anak in the future, si Atlas at si Ariea. Pano ako magaanak kung ganito ang mga ganap?

Ugh I just want to fucking kill myself already. Para motherfucking tapos na lahat.

But sino magpapaaral sa kapatid ko? Sino magiging mommy ni Atlas at Ariea? Pano lalo si mama? Pano si Kyx but sana mamatay na lang ako talaga eh. This burden is too much for me to bear and it feels like I can no longer do it.

 

Positivity!

Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.

  1. After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
  2. I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)

Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”


                As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.

  1. I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.

Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.

Ayan na si Kyx 😂

Paepal lang 😂
Yung pinagpeprepare pa ako ni mama ng baon ☺️
Mama and Aila 😘

Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!

Storms are Temporary

If you haven’t noticed by now, storms in your life are temporary. During the storm, you feel like the world is crumbling down and that everything is hopeless. But at the back of your mind, you know that storms are temporary and that even after all the tragedy, it’s going to be over soon enough.

Just like in real life. Pain, problems and heartaches—everything that hurts will not hurt you forever. Everything that gives you pain is not going to be there every single day of your life. You will get through it no matter what happens, no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it could be for you. You will get over it soon enough and you just have to go along with the process.

Got A Problem With Me? Tell Me!

 

Oh you don’t have any idea how I learned it the hard way (but for those of you who regularly read my blog, then you know exactly what I’ve gone through) Anyway, let’s cut to the chase and move forward to what I was actually trying to talk about.

I guess I am such a people pleaser back then. I used to want people to like me (even if I don’t like them) just so I would be able to peacefully sleep at night. At least that’s what I thought. So what I did was, even if I was offended by someone for something they said or did, I’d let it fly by thinking that it’s best to run away from conflict than confrontation. I head back to others and tell them what my problem is. I’d tell someone the thing that offended me until it looks so much like backstabbing (although that wasn’t the whole point and I didn’t intend for that).

Looking back to the numerous times I ran away from conflict, I didn’t know how bigger of a conflict it would be compared to how it could have been resolved with confrontation and honesty.

Now, I am practicing (no matter how hard it is for me) to just head on with confrontation—very objective, kind, subtle and with a clear tone kind of confrontation. I realized that if I have a problem with someone or something, I’d rather just tell them about it to avoid future conflicts. Also, it aims for resolution rather than creating a bigger hole right?

I’d also rather much prefer someone telling me on a nice manner if there’s any way I have offended them so that I could make up for it or even try to explain myself right?

It’s a lot better than trying to fake patch things up yourself only to find out that you created a bigger problem.

It’s like there’s a bad wound that needs treatment yet you try to cover it with band aids and gauze thinking it’s for the best only to find out that it got worse right?

So if you have a problem with someone or something, it’s best to:

  • Breathe in, breathe out. Do not let your feelings get the best of you. You tend to be irrational when you prioritize your feelings before objectivity.
  • Feeling better? You have the option to just let it go or go ahead and pull out a confrontation. If it would bother you in the long run then opt for a mild confrontation. Be honest and make sure you are in it for clarification and objective confrontation.
  • Tell them how you felt and what you thought but also tell them that you are not bearing a grudge about it. Clear it to the person that you’re merely confronting him/her to avoid future conflicts.

It’s always better to find resolution than creating a bigger conflict.

Freaking All Over The Place

I am freaking all over the place. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me anymore, I’m just like really all over the place, all over myself. I can’t even.

My talent is extremely so good you’d feel a pang of jealousy. I have a talent of complicating small things and turning them into big things until I bawl out and cry and have a meltdown. Ugh. (that’s really sarcastic for the most parts. You can tell right? Lol)

I have this dilemma wherein I can’t even figure out if I should be happy about this or not? When I was younger, I’d really save my allowance so I can buy one book. Before I finish that one book, I should have finished saving another one for a different book to buy. So I usually grow anxious more often than not back then, always afraid of not having enough books to read. Ahhh!

Now, my problem is I can’t stop buying books even if I have a lot more to read, so my pile of unread books are growing and that’s not something cute ya know? It makes me more all over the place. Like I’d read a chapter from one book then go over the next one. Oh god, I have a disease! (though I hope this is not a disease lol) Now, I plan to just stick to one book first and finish it then go over to the next one! I have stacks and stacks of books to firggin read.

The same goes for my tea collection. I have a lot of different tea flavors and each night I have to choose from all of them. Sometimes I get a little too tempted to drink 2 tea flavors just cause I can. -_-

Or am I just so indecisive lately?