7 Things for 2018

Looking back (again) at how my 2017 went, I’d like this year to be better and so I will make it better by starting to work on myself. I have a lot of issues with myself, my mental health, how I look physically, how I think, most of the time I’m toxic to my own self that it just makes things more complicated than it should. So here’s what I will strive to do and hopefully, mapanindigan ko.

  1. I will work on my relationship with God. Only a few people in my life would know that I’m a firm believer of God. I read the bible on a daily basis since I was a kid but on 2016 and 2017, I would just read it occasionally because I grew so busy with work and life and that’s not very nice. Though I don’t and will not act very godly ‘cause ya know, I keep it real and say bad words and think bad thoughts, I will try my hardest to work on that.
  2. I will not let my depression and anxiety hold me back. It’s all I ever did in 2017 and it was a bit late when I found myself trying to fix what I broke—myself. So this year, I will not let it come bite me in the ass again like it did last year. I’ll practice to be stronger!
  3. I will work hard on keeping myself healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
  4. I plan on spending more time with family and friends—my dad included. I have not been spending time with them because (only a few would totally get me) but in reality, I would spend time in my room without having to interact with anyone unless really needed. I spend a lot of time recharging because when I need to be social, I’m this ball of energy and it’s so draining afterwards. So this time, I will go out there (more than I did heh)!
  5. I will work on my temper. I have a very bad temper and it takes a lot to work on that but I am trying my best to be less psycho (especially with Kyx)
  6. I will keep my mouth shut when I know I wouldn’t have anything nice to say. I have learned that shutting up saves me from a lot of horrible experiences jusko!
  7. I will keep thinking about “what is this teaching me” in scenarios so I would not lose my shit.

Save yourself the trouble and let’s have a hopefully, happy 2018 year ahead. Life is short so whatever we can do kindly and nicely, let’s do it. Live unapologetically, live with faith in yourself while being thoughtful and kind to everyone.

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What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!

Positivity!

Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.

  1. After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
  2. I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)

Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”


                As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.

  1. I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.

Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.

Ayan na si Kyx 😂

Paepal lang 😂
Yung pinagpeprepare pa ako ni mama ng baon ☺️
Mama and Aila 😘

Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!

My Happy Weekend (Sept. 2-3)

That was the first time in a long time wherein I actually enjoyed my weekend.

Saturday

  • Morning, I woke up to a serving of hot taho and pan de sal.
  • Went grocery shopping with Ate E and bought ingredients for Sinigang.
  • Since I rarely spend weekends at mama’s house, they gave in to my request of Sinigang for lunch!
  • After lunch, brought mama to the salon she goes to (it’s a small salon but she loves Levy, the person who takes care of her hair) and then bought a rack for our pantry.
  • After buying the rack, we went back to the salon and mama asked Levy to dye my hair. She said my hair is so black and that I look older with it so she wanted my hair to be a bit lighter. ~I didn’t want to color my hair but I did it anyway for a change and I liked it. I mean it takes some getting used to hehehe. (nagsugat scalp ko afterwards. Masyadong matapang yung color and oh my gahd my pamilee hahaha ang sheket)
  • Went home then Kyx picked me up. We were supposed to go to cubao expo but it’s almost 11pm and he said he didn’t feel like going out super late. Tss hahaha.

Sunday

  • Woke up and ate breakfast with Kyx.
  • Wrote a bit and read a few blogs.
  • Ate lunch with Kyx and family.
  • Took a nap.
  • Went out to have dinner with friends

Simple weekend, nothing fancy but my heart is happy!

 

Share Ko Lang: Laybare and Me

Nung college ako, nagumpisa akong magpa-wax ng kili-kili at nag-pa-thread ng kilay. Mesheket pero keri ko naman. Tapos nung 2014 nagumpisa na akong mag-package 2 plus upper lip.

Balbon kasi ako, tapos ang kapal ng kilay ko tapos may mga bigobigote ako ganon. So nung naguumpisa na akong mag-maganda, package 2 na ang ginagawa ko.

What does package 2 include?

  • Eyebrow Thread
  • Underarm Wax
  • Half-Leg Wax
  • Brazilian Wax

Every 2 months ko yan ginagawa—DAPAT. Kaso paminsan inaabot ng 3 months kasi wala akong oras para mag-maganda. Hayy tsaka minsan wala akong extrang pera para sa pag mamaganda ko kaya shut up nalang ako kahit nagmumuka na akong bakulaw.

After 3 months, kahapon nakapagpa-wax ako. After work, pumunta ako sa Laybare malapit sa bahay namin. I am lucky enough that my house is a 10-minute walk to Hampton Gardens Arcade and mayroong Laybare. Maliit lang compared to other Laybare salons but I like it there, mas pulido ang gawa, mas gusto ko yung mga tao. Though I like Market-Market Branch (in fact, I love them sobra) but there are just too many people there kaya I always go to my nearby Laybare branch (Laybare C. Raymundo, Pasig City)

My pain tolerance is good. As in kaya kong tiisin yung sakit kaya love na love din ako ni Ate Malou (my hair engineer, siya lang ang laging gumagawa sa’kin) mabilis kaming natatapos kasi hindi ko na iniinda yung sakit, basta go go go lang kami.

Inumpisahan sa legs, masakit pero keri lang. Hatest ko yun talaga dati kasi parang napupunit yung balat ko pero tiis tiis lang. Sa mga oras na tinatanggal ang buhok ko sa legs, wala pa akong masyadong iniisip na pampakalma kasi keri ko pa. Sinunod na yung kili-kili ko, ang sakit kasi sabi ni Ate Malou, malalim nanaman daw yung roots, parang ginagalusan yung kili kili ko habang ginagawa pero mabilis lang naman siya kaya keri ko pa. Next is yung upperlip, nagmumura na ako sa isip ko nito. Ang sheket mga bes huhuhu. Pero bilang gusto kong tanggaling tong bigote ko diba kaya sige, go. Sunod na yung Brazilian wax.

By this time, umiiyak na ako sa utak ko at minumura ko na yung sarili ko. Gusto kong sabunutan sarili ko kasi BAKIT KO BA TO GINAGAWA WALANGHIYA NAPAKASAKETTTTT. Pero sige pa rin, ayaw ko pahintuin si ate kasi baka ms masakit kapag nag-break or huminto sya, kaya sige. Habang sinasabunutan ko na yung sarili ko ng palihim go pa rin. ANG SAKET. Usually, hindi ako nasasaktan sa Brazilian wax masyado. I mean hinanda ko na kasi yung sarili ko diba, pero kahapon iba talaga yung sakit eh. Hayy. Pero natapos na at nakaraos na.

Last na yung kilay ko, saglit lang kasi hindi na masyado makapal ang kilay ko, magulo nalang siya kaya inaayos nalang ni ate. Dati kasi sobrang sobrang kapal talaga.

Over-all, maayos naman ang experience ko at wala namang unnecessary pain dahil pain ng pag-wawax lang talaga. Hindi dahil mali mali ang gawa sa akin.

After niyan, namantal na yung sa upper-lip ko, sensitive kasi yung area nay un pero normal lang yun. Nawawala din naman agad. Ngayon medyo may kaunting pantal pa pero oks lang!

Sa mga tanong niyo, eto ang sagot:

  • Nung first time ko, nahihiya ako. Pero sabi sa akin, lagi daw nila yun ginagawa and wala na lang daw sa kanila yun.
  • Hygienic ang mga tao sa Laybare, so far wala akong naexperience na parang pambababoy at nakakadiri. Lahat sila maayos ang kilos, at alam ang ginagawa. Malinis sila and gusto ko yun!
  • Nakikipagkwentuhan yung mga ate, masaya and nakakapatay ng oras. Medyo malilimutan mo din yung sheket kapag kinukwentuhan ka nila.
  • I don’t know about you, pero ako mas gusto ko talaga yung branch na pinupuntahan ko kasi pulido yung gawa. Sa Market-Market branch, pulido din pero maraming tao lagi kaya maghihintay ka ng matagal. Pero yun ang 2 branches na love na love ko. Yung sa MegaMall branch, sobrang bilis nila gumawa kaya hindi siguro ako nagagandahan sa gawa, hindi na napupulido. Yan ay based lang sa experience ko ah.
  • Yung Brazilian wax kaya ko gusto kasi mas malinis for me. Mas hygienic. Tinanong ko sa OB ko kung okay lang ba yung nagpapa-brazilian ako and sabi niya walang kaso naman doon. Akala ko kasi baka mawalan ng proteksyon pero okay lang naman daw. Para kasi sa akin na may OCD at laging nasa opisina, siyempre hindi mo yun mahuhugasan ng maayos tapos baka mas maraming naaccumulate na bacteria kapag maraming ano. Alam niyo na yun. HAHAHAHA. Pero based lang naman yan sa preference ko ha.
  • Masakit siya pero nakakayanan naman. Masasanay din. Sa umpisa lang masakit yan. Lahat naman ng masakit sa umpisa lang eh. Pag nasanay ka na okay na!

Alam ko sobrang personal nanaman ng blog post na ito pero wala akong pake. Gusto ko naman din kasi talagang maging personal at akong ako ang inilalagay ko dito eh! Hahaha. Kayo ba? Ano ang mga waxing experience niyo?

 

Let Tomorrow Wait

Let tomorrow be the struggle of tomorrow.

Yesterday, Kyx and I are talking about how our future would go. His dad will be retiring soon and most probably, his parents would go to Nueva Ecija and live there for good. Kyx said they might only visit a few times every month. So we’d be left to guard the house, do the chores, pay the bills by ourselves. In short, we’d adult all the way. Because right now, we’re only adulting for ourselves. Or maybe he is adulting only for him and me. I do quite a lot of adulting—I send my sister to school (it is no joke to send someone to school. The tuition fee is insane and it doesn’t end in tuition fees! It has a buttload of allowance, projects and extra shit to pay for and I only get paid so little LOL), I also help pay the bills, I pay the credit card when I use it (I only ever use it when credit cards are the only method of payment available. As much as I can, I use cash in buying or booking stuff) so we only semi-adult ? I think ? But when the time comes that Kyx’s parents leave us, we’d probably be forced to full on adult our way through life.

I can tell that Kyx is a little stressed? I’m not sure but I feel like he’s not taking it as lightly as he should. He’s getting pressured because for the first time, he’d be facing a whole lot of responsibility than he ever did and that’s quite a big deal for him. I suppose. I told him not to worry because when we get to that, we’d probably be okay. We’d sort things out and we’d get through it. We are both responsible working adults so why the stress right?

“We’ll cross the bridge when we get there” is a cliché for a reason. And it’s very simple! Why do we let ourselves go through so much shit for things that already happened or things that are yet to happen? Why do we always stress ourselves so much thinking of things that are not even here yet!? Why do we always have to carry the burden of doubting ourselves and our capabilities—thinking we’re weak shit to even survive the future? It’s lame.

Living in the present requires more than just a mind-set. Living today is having faith in yourself. Trusting in your decisions, choices, intelligence and capabilities. It’s giving your best and knowing that whatever happens, God is there to help you get through shit.

So today, I told Kyx that we can make it. The thing he is worrying about is not yet here so why waste our energy thinking about it.

Hot Tears

 

Ever since I was young, my mom loved to dress me up. I’m like her real life Barbie girl because for 10 years, I’m the only girl with 3 Kuyas (elder brothers)

Growing up, I carried on with dressing myself up in a funky way. I always thought of myself as a fashionista because my mom really buys me a lot of cute clothes, shoes and stuff. I accessorize too and in short, I really am a fashionista girl back then.

Then in 2015 until today, I gained a good 23 kilos. From being 45 kilograms, I now weigh 68 kilograms!! People say I’m not FAT but in reality, my BMI dictates that I am obese. I’m actually working on it now and I lost about 2 kilos.

Since this weight issue, I stopped dressing up. I only wore what I think would hide my big arms. In short, I stopped wearing the clothes I have. Aside from the fact that it doesn’t fit me anymore, I don’t feel okay wearing my old ones. So I bought office clothes and I probably have like a 2 week set of clothes that consists of kimono, sheer blouses, polo tops. I basically look like a hip tita (aunt) and yes, I only have a very little amount of clothes and I’m not even bothered. I wouldn’t even care if people mention it to me. “you don’t have a lot of clothes no?” or “Oh you’re wearing the top you wore about 2 weeks ago right?” or  “oh that was the same top you wore on my birthday noh?” yes. I’m not bothered. People do notice and I don’t even care. Eh ano ngayon kung kaunti lang ang damit ko??

But today is a special day. I have a dinner date with Kyx at our favourite ramen place (Ippudo; particularly in Mega Fashion Hall branch—please visit that branch if you have time. The crew is amazing! The food is amazing!) and then after our date, we’ll go to our friend Angge’s art show (it’s her 2nd show and it’s going to be at NOVA Gallery Manila along Chino Roces ave., Makati City –if you’re in the area, visit it and say hi! 😀 hehe) so I wore a top that makes me feel like I look pretty. It’s nothing fancy but this top is one of those that I don’t wear a lot. However, Kyx asked me about 20 minutes ago that if I want, he can bring me clothes to wear for Angge’s show. So in short, he chose a different top for me. That top has holes in it, like it has a beaded V-neck style. The beads are wood and it has a tribal feel, there are holes along the beaded area because like I said, I don’t have a lot of clothes so I wear that top on a weekly basis which made it really used diba?

Kyx told me then that when he gets his paycheque for a project this August, he would buy me clothes. HOT TEARS SPRANG FROM MY ALREADY BULGING EYES.

Not because I have no new clothes, not because he didn’t like what I was wearing today but because I feel like Kyx feels bad for me and I am touched. I mean I don’t want to look like a victim, like a kawawa. Pero yung napapansin pala niya na ganoon but he doesn’t mention it to me kasi ayaw niya na ma-feel bad ako.

He knows that I earn only a little money. From the little money I earn, I get a portion of it so I can send my little sister to school. Aside from that, I pay my bills, buy my groceries. That’s also why I don’t prioritize buying new clothes. I don’t need new clothes anyway plus I don’t have a budget for it. Why bother?

But then, these hot tears are tears of joy. It makes me love Kyx more. He truly cares for me and accepts me for who I am. Alam mo yun, yung compassion kasi andon?