Complicated

It’s the early 2000s and as I wait for my school bus, I called Faye using our landline “Wala pa si tito bobbit?” –tito bobbit is how we call our school bus driver. I had to call her just to make sure that the school bus hasn’t arrived yet because I am starting to think that maybe, tito Bobbit forgot about me or that I was still sleeping when he came to pick me up, gahh my anxiety. Obviously, wala pa because Faye is still there. Faye gets picked up first, then me, then Bea. The phone call ended immediately because there’s nothing to talk about at just 6:00 in the morning. I called Bea and told her that Faye has not even been picked up yet. She’s relieved because she just finished taking a bath so I told her to get ready “bilisan mo na!”

I turn the radio on and turn it up as Avril Lavigne sang Complicated. “somebody else ‘round everyone else you’re watching your back like you can’t relax, you’re trying to be cool you look like a fool to me”. I don’t really like her, well my best friend Gee and I didn’t like her but I sing along to the song and hear my school bus honk its horn and I ran for the door. My brother Aldous wanted me to eat pandesal with Ligo sardines because he insists it tastes good. Sometimes it tastes good but more often than not, I don’t like it. “Di ka kakain??” sounding a little disappointed, I smiled and said “eh andito na si tito bobbit eh”. In a few seconds, I am out the house, running to the gate. “Hi Tisay!” tito Bobbit greeted, I used to hate him for calling me Tisay but since he started that when I was in 1st grade, I kinda grew to just let him call him that even if he meant the opposite of “tisay”.

I enter the school bus (it wasn’t a bus per se but a big van filled with girls since I go to an all-girls school) and sit on my usual spot in the morning trip. Everyone is quiet inside the bus, most of my friends are  trying to still catch some sleep before school happens and some are just staring blankly somewhere. I sat there, look out the window and kept singing Complicated in my head. I reached for Cool Air gum in my pocket and ate two of it. Usually I would save the other piece for a different time.

I can’t wait to reach school and tell my best friend how I like Complicated and loathe Sk8er Boi like it’s the most important thing to say. I started thinking about how my day would pan out, I can’t wait for lunch time because we’d go play at the school’s Playground! No one usually goes there at lunch time so I like it. I am already planning the course we’d take for my made up Global Guts and Legends of the Hidden Temple and smile at the thought that of course, Gee and I would win again today. We always aim to be the Champs especially since I stopped being a scaredy cat for the high monkey bars and bridge we’d cross.

I remember how I felt that day, I remember how easy everything was and the only thing complicated was Avril Lavigne’s Complicated.

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Change Back To Who You Really Are!

We tend to try and overhaul our life, change everything that we are after every shit we go through. It’s okay until it’s not.

That’s what I did for the last two years. It was definitely a struggle! I didn’t know where to start, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do, what steps I needed to take. I just kept praying and praying and crying and praying and crying day after the other. Sometimes, I get better days. Sometimes, the world falls apart and everything seems so unfair again. That’s the cycle I’ve gone through and I never thought I’d finally get over it. Fuck. Took me long enough huh?

I realized that trying to change myself for the better is not the way to go. It wasn’t working well enough for me. Ang hirap, Hindi nakakatuwa.

Then a light bulb moment happened. I needed to dig deeper, I need to go back to who I truly were back then, before all the shit happened. I needed to go back to who I was. Crap changed me so much already and I lost myself in the process. But I guess, that’s human nature ya know. All the shit we go through leaves a mark and kind of chips off our true selves.

So that’s what I did. It took me a while to find my old self but there she was just waiting for me to come get her hahaha. Ang saya!

Mga pakyu silang lahat. Joke!

Let Tomorrow Wait

Let tomorrow be the struggle of tomorrow.

Yesterday, Kyx and I are talking about how our future would go. His dad will be retiring soon and most probably, his parents would go to Nueva Ecija and live there for good. Kyx said they might only visit a few times every month. So we’d be left to guard the house, do the chores, pay the bills by ourselves. In short, we’d adult all the way. Because right now, we’re only adulting for ourselves. Or maybe he is adulting only for him and me. I do quite a lot of adulting—I send my sister to school (it is no joke to send someone to school. The tuition fee is insane and it doesn’t end in tuition fees! It has a buttload of allowance, projects and extra shit to pay for and I only get paid so little LOL), I also help pay the bills, I pay the credit card when I use it (I only ever use it when credit cards are the only method of payment available. As much as I can, I use cash in buying or booking stuff) so we only semi-adult ? I think ? But when the time comes that Kyx’s parents leave us, we’d probably be forced to full on adult our way through life.

I can tell that Kyx is a little stressed? I’m not sure but I feel like he’s not taking it as lightly as he should. He’s getting pressured because for the first time, he’d be facing a whole lot of responsibility than he ever did and that’s quite a big deal for him. I suppose. I told him not to worry because when we get to that, we’d probably be okay. We’d sort things out and we’d get through it. We are both responsible working adults so why the stress right?

“We’ll cross the bridge when we get there” is a cliché for a reason. And it’s very simple! Why do we let ourselves go through so much shit for things that already happened or things that are yet to happen? Why do we always stress ourselves so much thinking of things that are not even here yet!? Why do we always have to carry the burden of doubting ourselves and our capabilities—thinking we’re weak shit to even survive the future? It’s lame.

Living in the present requires more than just a mind-set. Living today is having faith in yourself. Trusting in your decisions, choices, intelligence and capabilities. It’s giving your best and knowing that whatever happens, God is there to help you get through shit.

So today, I told Kyx that we can make it. The thing he is worrying about is not yet here so why waste our energy thinking about it.

Living For Today!

Today, I found myself reflecting as to why I get so stressed out easily. I was thinking why am I always worried about a lot of things—even the things that haven’t even happened yet! I always create little scenarios in my head, most of them the worst case scenarios. More often than not, these scenarios don’t even happen at all. I just stress myself out because of NOTHING.

Why do I do this to myself? Why am I like this? Then I realized that maybe, I am always either living in the past or living for the future. I never live for the present, the today, the NOW. I always always race for tomorrow and that’s not entirely a good thing because you know what, I am wasting so much of my time thinking about what would happen or what happened in the past instead of what’s already happening in the present.

How many times did I allow myself to be stuck somewhere in the past? How many times did I waste my days thinking of the future that I forget how important the present is?

I always wanted to be one step ahead of myself. I always wanted to know if things will work out, how things will turn out that I miss the opportunity to cherish the blessings I have received. I worry about the things I have no control over and things I can’t change. I struggle so much in life because instead of working for today, I work for tomorrow.

I got about a dozen signs today that I should stop this madness and live NOW. Because NOW is the only time I have, NOW is the only important moment to live in, to enjoy and appreciate. The past is gone and the future hasn’t come. Why worry when you’ve got today to live for and think about?

Let’s all try to live for today. Don’t let your past and future control your present. Enjoy and carpe that diem!

Of Cutting Myself and Self-Harm

Well over the course of time, I’ve had my fair share of suicidal tendencies. Thoughts and debates with myself occurred for me since I was about 15 I guess. But I didn’t really intend to kill myself. Like I didn’t do anything crazy with the intention to kill myself. I know it’s just wrong and I am being sort of irrational.

Friday, 30th of June. Morning. I was cutting a whole lemon, preparing for my lemon water. Half of it is squeezed in a bowl while half would be cut into lemon slices to be mixed with the lemon juice and water. Long story short, I accidentally cut my finger deeper than ever and I was shocked with the sudden sight of a deep cut and blood pouring right from a medium sized wound. I stared at it for a long time before I realized that I have to put pressure on it and have running water over it.

I didn’t feel any pain at all. Not even a slight sting! I was just staring at it until my mind started saying tons of stuff like:

Wow. The gush of blood shocked me but it kinda looked pleasant isn’t it? Oh, blood + cut = Pain. But where’s the pain? Oh yeah, I was so used to cutting myself back then that the sight of it didn’t throw me off! WOW.

Before I started to be actually disgusted with myself, you know what I was doing? I was still trying to cut the lemons while my finger is fucken bleeding like I was stabbed! It was so disgusting that I was swept back to reality.

Last night, I was afraid that I’d relapse back to cutting myself. The sight of it enticed me. It was like a good diversion of a negative energy to something more physical. I wasn’t able to sleep well but the next morning, I realized that, no, I wouldn’t go back to that hell hole where I got addicted with cutting myself. No I wouldn’t go back to my pathetic self, resorting to wounds and blood when things went awful. No I will not let that happen again.

And I will cover my scars with art. I will remember the pain but I will replace them with renewal of some sort.

Dwelling in The Past

In some cases, we really never forget about a lot of things especially if it has made a big impact on our lives emotionally, spiritually and mentally. It’s okay to never forget, to remember everything because in this process, you learn. However, dwelling is a different thing.

When you dwell in the past, it’s as if it’s not in the past just yet. It seems like you’re living with it right at this very moment which in reality, hurts and sucks big time. I am not just talking about bad things, this goes for the good ones as well.

You see, if for example you never got over how someone have hurt you and did you wrong, your heart will be filled with bitterness and you carry this burden for as long as you want. You’re not even benefitting from it because you’re not letting it go. You’re making it even harder for yourself because you never let yourself move forward.

Same thing goes for not letting go of that happy memory. I am not saying you should forget that. It’s great to keep it in your memory bank because then you’ll have something to smile at when you look back. But if for example, you have lived a beautiful and rich life then all of a sudden everything fell apart. Instead of you—moving and trying to adapt to your new state of life, you hold on so much to how you used to be, you live in the fantasy that you can still afford a certain thing (because you can totally afford it back then) but now that everything has changed, you have to be resilient and you have to go with the flow of life.

Dwelling in the past can do nothing good to you. It will only play with your heart and mind. It’s like living in a fantasy, in a sweet yet bitter lie. You just have to let go of it and move forward. You have to learn, you have to grow. You have to free yourself from all these.