The days have gone by and all I could do was write about my feelings. You all were there when I was so down and you knew what happened.
Now that I have moved on from it, I realized how important intentions are. I realized how it is good to figure out the intention or objective of someone when doing something so that you will understand what’s up. I mean if you know what the intention is, you would probably be more rational or understanding right? I don’t know if you get what I mean but that’s that. Hahahaha
Like maybe, if they knew that my intention was nothing but just simply saying what I had in mind and that it wasn’t meant to offend, that I am just really a blunt and a half insensitive nobody in their freaking right mind would be so angry.
I guess what I really wanted to say is this.
I have forgiven you already and I hope that you know what you did was wrong. What you did was cruel. You wanted people to hate me the way you did and so you had to hurt other people’s feelings just so you could succeed. I know it did make you a little happy and felt as though you have accomplished something but I also think that what victory and joy you felt did not last long. It couldn’t have lasted long because for sure you have realized that you made a big mess out of a small puddle. It wasn’t even supposed to be messy looking back. Hahaha. You made me look as if what I said were wrong, as if my comment of “dati naman na siyang maldita” was not true when in reality IT IS WHAT IT IS. The person I was pertaining to in that comment even admits to it (pero confused ako kasi nagalit din sya kahit na totoo naman and she was even proud of it so??? Di ko gets)
Everything is in the past now. You were calling me out for what you think is “betrayal” but what you did was the actual exact same thing! It’s funny how you can twist words and stories but I do hope you get really good sleep at night. Because I do. You know why? Because I figured my intentions were clear, I figured that though it may have been very wrong for me to speak so bluntly and insensitive, I never spoke of lies. I always always just described how I saw it. And now I know when to shut the fuck up, thanks to you being all twisty and stuff. I have learned that though my intentions were clear as crystal, people can twist my words and tell a different story from it. It’s so stupid that I am only realizing this now. Hayyyyy.
Oh well, all is good now.
I don’t have plans on being friends with these people anymore and it’s not painful, it’s all forgiven but it should all be left where it belongs—in the past.
Just now, when I woke up, I realized that hey, no, I don’t deserve that kind of cruelty! And no one actually deserves it to be honest.
When I was still so confused, I felt and thought that maybe I deserved all the shit. I deserved to be shamed like that, I deserved that my best friends pitted on me. It was hard for me to process everything especially that my mind was too clouded and I ate all the shit they served me. My first instinct when confronted with the bad stuff I did or with the bad things I have said a hundred years ago was to apologize because well, I did say bad stuff and I may have added fuel to the fire for one time too many and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t alone. I was with people talking behind another person. Looking back, it’s both funny and sad.
Not because I still long for them, hell no. The fact that I thought I actually deserved it was sad and funny because no one was kind enough in that group to tell me and the others that it wasn’t a one man’s fault. HAH!
I stand today, knowing in my heart that I did not deserve it. No one deserves that kind of mental and emotional trauma these “friends” have put me through.
Good riddance and I hope this doesn’t happen to you or you won’t do anything like this anymore.
* *If you are one of those who did this to me and you’re reading this, don’t get mad. People do not know who you are. 😉 I didn’t name drop.
Ever felt like when people try to bring you down, destroy you and make you feel so little. Break you and leave you with so much hurt in your heart, pain in everything, that’s when He actually lifts you up and that’s when you elevate yourself even more?
I was talking to Kyx about how everything that has been painful made me a better person. I mean I’m not saying this because I want to be inspirational. I’m saying this because I have proven this to myself. They say pain makes you stronger and who would have thought that it really is true? I always thought of these clichés as things other people wanted to tell us so we could feel better and less shitty but I was wrong. Maybe it really does make us feel better and less shitty but for the most part, it makes us get up every single time we get knocked down. Only the first fall hurts so much, when you fall again, you’d be so much stronger that you wouldn’t even think of it as a painful fall anymore.
I didn’t know that at the age of 26, I’d still be capable of losing friends whom I have known for 15 long years! It’s even more than half of my life right? Imagine how painful it was for me. I am a very soft person and I cry over the slightest, littlest of things. Imagine how big of a deal it was. I wasn’t like “okay guys, fuck it, I’m over it”. It was more of feeling so terrible, it was even worse than a boyfriend break-up mind you.
But I realized sooner than I expected to do so, how much I have gained after the loss. And that’s what happens when you go so fucking low, instead of sinking, you get to rise above it all. Pain and hurt only a memory and learning. There’s no way but up they said, and that’s what happened.
Whenever people try to put you down and hurt you, the universe conspires to help you in all ways it can. He lifts you up in the most unexpected moments. So the next time people out you through so much pain, be prepared to get over it and rise above.
They’ll see this as weakness, their cruelty will take advantage of it, they’ll take this as cowardly but my soft-heart is one of the things that keep me alive, sane and bright.
I used to think of myself as a weakling. Always ready to give in into people’s desires, wants and needs—setting aside my own. Always happy for other people’s happiness and even willing to give up my own. I used to just live for other’s and are willing to bend on over just to please other people.
I used to think that my gift of forgiving others no matter how much they have wronged me is a weakness. Always trying to understanding what led to this and throwing away the pain because finding joy and peace with others is a lot more better than holding grudges.
As I went on in a loop of heartache, trauma and confusion, I have found my strength in cruel situations. No matter how people think it was pathetic of me to reach out or seek forgiveness, no matter how much of a loser they think I would be when I say sorry more than I should, I still found it as a strength and an ability for a more successful me.
I am strong enough to apologize and strong enough to forgive. Strong enough to choose forgetting rather than holding to so much pain for far too long.
Choose this strength—the strength to have a soft-heart in a tough world. To use it in cruel situations.
We’ve heard it all before, being kind and soft-hearted is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a gift that not many people have but it’s a burden to live with.
Being soft-hearted puts you in the position of so much hurt and pain but you endure and live with it as much as you can because most of the time, other people’s happiness is more important than your own. Other people’s happiness is your own happiness.
You always give people so many chances they don’t even deserve in the first place. You let them trample upon you because you are the one who understands more. You’re willing to be torn apart because other people may not be able to carry it out well had they been the one torn apart. You cry in silence with no one to console you but you make your best efforts to be there for other people even if they weren’t there to comfort you in your time of need.
You love other people so much but you end up being hurt by them. They cause you pain yet you allow them inside your heart over and over again. You try your best to be the best for others, the one they need but who else is there for you after it?
When will people ever understand the gravity of depression?
Depression is you—battling and fighting with yourself all day, every day.
Depression is knowing that you have people who love you, support you and are willing to help you no matter what but you’re just so sick, too sick of everything, even sick of yourself.
Depression is loving other people and thinking about them so much but you just feel like you’re ruining their lives by simply existing.
Depression is not knowing how and what to feel anymore.
Depression is more than just mere anger and loneliness.
Depression is speaking to people you love and crying out for help in a language no one seems to understand.
Depression is understanding that you have a problem within you, in the depths of your soul in the very core of your heart but nothing seems to make the problem go away.
Depression is telling other people how you feel in a subtle but meaningful way hoping they’d understand you.
Depression is not just felt because something sad happened.
Depression is always always lingering in all corners of your body ready to creep out and slip through at any given moment.
Depression is understanding other people do not care as much as you would have wanted them to be.
Depression is shutting yourself, bounding yourself from yourself.
Depression is not something that can easily disappear.
Depression is always a battle for as long as you live.
Pain is both ugly and beautiful. Happy and sad.
I guess what I am mostly feeling and thinking about all the painful bit I ever have to endure is that it makes you a better person. Sometimes, pain can make you think that everything is spiraling down but seriously, pain makes you stronger, better, smarter and wiser. Who says it’s all dark? Who says pain is just all black and white? Because Pain isn’t always black and white. It has color and pretty things attached.
Prang watercolor on Canson watercolor paper.