Hi, My Name Is..

I wrote about it a long time ago but I can’t seem to finish it. Let’s try and write it again.

I don’t know what was wrong with me but ever since I was young, ever since I started going to school, I choose what other people will call me. My name, aside from being an identity, I use it very religiously. As if it’s part of who I am and how I am as a person.

I am not sure if this is the correct explanation ‘cause I’d like to think it’s not, but my therapist said that it was because of my OCD that’s why I choose what name other people will call me. Let’s start from the beginning.

My name is Althea Camila put them together, you’ll get AILA. Aila is the nickname my mom gave me. Everyone from my family calls me “Aila” it’s pronounced as “ay-la” as in “Isla” (punyeta pano ba sabihin ang pronunciation ng pangalan ko?) Basta it’s not “ei-la” as in “ay-lah” ganern. HAHA.

When I started preschool, I have a busmate named Patrick. He lives near my home so he knows everyone calls me “Aila”. One fine day, he got so excited when he saw me at school and yelled my nickname for all the world to hear. By the way, in preschool, everyone calls me “Althea”. I was so agitated and told Patrick “stop calling me Aila! We’re at school!” he just shrugged and ignored me. When I got home, I told my mom that I was so upset because Patrick called me by my nickname at school when in fact, I’d like everyone at school to call me Althea (eyes rolling at this point nearly 21 years ago) my mom asked me why I am so upset when it wasn’t a big deal after all? I told her that I feel like the only people who can call me by my nickname is my family (and people I really love or people who are so close to me)

In grade school, I allowed people to call me “Thea” or my close and best friends would call me “Theii”. Nobody called me Aila because, well, I didn’t want them to. My best friends can call me Aila but they prefer Theii instead (as in double ‘I’ talaga di ko sure bakit)

When I transferred from SPCP to NJHS in high school, people called me Aila. It was a small community and I felt intimately close to them (not anymore ngayon whatever. Hahaha)

In college, I feel like I wouldn’t be befriending people so I didn’t allow them to call me Aila. Instead, they all call me “Aia”. Although now, they can call me Aila but they just prefer to call me Aia hah!

Now, I have decided that people I like can call me Aila or Thea, whatever they wish to call me. Only with my permission. My blogger friends from TFIOS calls me Aila or Thea and surprisingly, I don’t mind!

Kasi, after what I have been through 5 months ago, I decided that the only people I’d go all out with can call me by my nickname. I feel like it’s still sacred but I allow my blogging friends to call me that HAHA!

Now, you—whoever you are reading this. You can call me Aila or Thea and I wouldn’t mind. ❤

In a nutshell, masyado akong ewan ko ba. Pinipili ko kasi talaga sino lang yung pwede tumawag ng ganon sa akin. Kapag close na tayo ganon, pwede na. Ngayon naman kasi sa blogging world, feel ko ka-close ko kayong lahat so gowww lang haha. Dati kasi, depende sa tao. Kapag may tumawag sakin na Thea or Theii, alam ko nan a grade school friend or St. Paul friend yun. If Aia, alam kong college friend yun or from Miriam yung taong yun. If Aila, friend ko talaga or family or relative. Pag Althea, yan yung mga hindi masyadong close hahahahaha

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Change

I didn’t know until recently that change made way for more growth. Change allowed me many things but most importantly it allowed me to breathe.

Little by little, I open myself up for more change. As much as I can, as much as my flawed self would ever allow. Disregarding anxiety, depression and OCD, change actually made me feel better.

I used to box myself and put up walls when I feel like it’s the only thing that will make things work for me. I made specific routines for all the single thing I have to do on a daily basis.

Maybe, for a person with OCD and Anxiety, it’s typical to make your own rules and follow your own order not for the convenience but maybe because you feel safer and comfortable with that. To be honest, I came to realize that I am always on the losing end just so I could follow my own strict rules. In simple ways or complicated stuff, it’s always that one specific routine that I will follow. No more, no less. And that only made me feel stuck! It’s like I have a stick up my ass for a long time, I’m so uptight and that’s when I realized that life—no matter how I try to control it, will work how its supposed to, with no regard to my mental health.

I panic when I have little control over things. It’s as if that the world is caving in on me and all of a sudden, I find it hard to breathe. But welcoming change little by little, it actually made me feel better physically, mentally and emotionally.

Take Mental Health Seriously, People

Is it so hard to take mental health seriously? It’s not something people claim to have, it’s a serious illness that people need to go through every fucking waking day of their damned lives. Do us a favour, if you can’t understand it, educate yourselves and stop being ignorant fucks.

I cannot contain how angry I am not only at people who do not care enough about other people’s mental health but also with the situation. Though if everyone are educated enough about this, then we could have all skipped this drama and this entry wouldn’t have been created by me—someone who has depression, anxiety and OCD.

So let’s shove my depression and anxiety at the back of the shelf because that’s what I normally do anyway. I try to ignore it as best as I could and most of the time, I am successful. Then let’s talk about my OCD.

Again, people, OCD is not limited to the obsessive “cleanliness” of a person. Do I really have to look it up for you and paste it here so that you could understand what is OCD? (rolling my eyes and breathing so heavy and furiously)

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) website, OCD or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has UNCONTROLLABLE REOCURRING THOUGHTS and BEHAVIORS that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over. However, that definition does not necessarily mean that you see a person repeat stuff over and over because that’s the most common thing about OCD and maybe that’s how it is projected on TV shows and movies.

My OCD is and not limited to.. not wanting PERSONAL belongings to be used by other people, even if it’s family and friends, even if it’s people closest to my heart that I love very much so. Some examples are:

  • I have my OWN spoon and fork that I use and it means that’s the only pair that I prefer to use. Aside from that fact, I DON’T WANT OTHERS TO USE IT.
  • My hair ties, head bands and stuff I put on my hair is MINE for a sole purpose to be used BY ONLY ME.
  • I have a mug that I use for drinking apple cider vinegar THAT ONLY I CAN USE. I have a tumbler for my water, a mug for when I put chia seeds on my drink and a different tumbler for tea and coffee. Basically, I own about 4 cups/tumbler that I use on a daily basis.
  • My handkerchiefs are not to be used by ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. No matter how much you wash it, have it dry cleaned and stuff, that thing is mine. You can borrow my clothes, phone, books and all that but not my hanky.

It’s so hard for someone like me because, fuck, I always have to buy an extra comb, extra hair tie, extra any shit because if people borrow it from me, I want to lend it to them. Imagine how much I put to account other people’s feelings toward borrowing my stuff and shoving my OCD up my ass just so people wouldn’t get hurt? I am so fucking fucking fucking done with myself putting into account, prioritizing other people’s feelings but they never fucking understands my condition, my disorder and the shit I have to deal with every fucking day.

You see, this may seem trivial but these things are not to be used by anyfuckingone but me so help me God. It breaks my heart that people think I am being irrational and petty but oh god, try to at least understand that people are different from you and that maybe, they have a mental disorder that you don’t have so to be fair and kind, just try to fucking understand without judging.

What Helped Me Might Help You Too

One way or another, what helped me could help someone else and though I have not fully recovered yet I know for a fact that I’m on the right track. I just keep on reminding myself what needs to be done, how to do it and how I can be a better person at the end of the day.

If you have not been reading my blog entries since day one, allow me to give you a little background about myself, mainly my mental health. I have a suicidal tendency and it started when I was roughly 15 or 16 even though my obsessive suicidal thought occurred even when I was younger. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and OCD. It wasn’t that big of a deal for me growing up but I understood myself better when I was told I have Anxiety and OCD. Not to mention how much of an INFJ I am so in short, putting me on a spectacle of social drama and problems could only mean that I want to literally die and leave the earth. But that’s not what I did because of your help.

Here are what helped me and I hope it helps you too.

  • The support of my family especially my mom. On top of a everything, from the moment you were born until your last breath, even until the world falls apart, family stays the same. No matter how many arguments you’ve had in the past, no matter how hard it was to accept your differences, family is family. They are the “forever” people in your life. They are the ones who wouldn’t judge you and will try to understand you even if that’s the last thing you deserve. Family is your support system.
  • There are a lot of other people or a few close friends whom you can trust. Don’t take these people for granted. Always be grateful that you have someone to lean on other than family in tough times like this one.
  • Do not dwell on the negativity. Do not over indulge on the loneliness you’re feeling. Instead, acknowledge it and walk past it while taking some points for learning.
  • Put your energy on the things you love to do. Like write, read, paint etc. It’s a good stress reliever!
  • I did a lot of Yoga during the time that I was so torn apart. It helped me emotionally, mentally and physically. You can also do a lot of exercise or workouts that match your liking. Physical activities help you release endorphin and that’s a huge part of feeling better!
  • See the good in every bad situation, places, people. There’s always a sunny side and you just have to look carefully sometimes.
  • Focus on the things that matter. Like your work or spending time with people who love you. There’s just so many things you can do besides crying or feeling bad about yourself.

However, this is what helped me and it could be a totally different thing for you. I just feel like it could probably help you a little. :]

Grateful. Truly Grateful

This is what encouragement looks like. It may or may not have been written for me and my situation solely but the mere fact that a lot of people I know have written so many insights about their own experiences do not just make me feel comforted but also made me feel that life has tricky tumbles and turns and we just have to get used to it from time to time. It made me feel that I am not alone and that a lot of other people experience the same thing I did!

I’m always grateful for people like you guys. You’re always ready to give a helping hand in different ways and you don’t know how much it helped me. Seriously. Every little thing you guys shared and told me or written even indirectly made a huge impact in this road to recovery I am in. Thank you so much!

Things You Need To Remember Especially in Low Times

I wrote this on April 6, 2017. A day before my birthday. Even before my (ex) friends pitted on me. My gosh am I a psychic or what?

Sometimes we just can’t have it all, I mean all the time. Life works that way and it’s hard to understand but that’s how it goes.

There are times when I am completely happy and contented, satisfied with everything I have, it seems like I understand both the good and bad and I love myself more then all of a sudden, something happens and the panic attack is back. The anxiety is back and your OCD is not helping. That’s just how it is for me and breathing in and out is not as easy as it should, of course, for someone with anxiety disorder, that’s basically one of the toughest things you need to do in order to “keep your shit together”.

With my ups and downs, I’ll be more intimate in this post. I’m more personal.

  1. In times when I doubt myself being capable of keeping a relationship strong, a friendship smooth sailing. In times I worry about what I’ve said and done and that people might hate me, I’ll have to remember that life isn’t perfect, my friends aren’t perfect, everyone is not perfect and therefore if in any case I did something wrong and I truly regretted it, I shall be forgiven at the right time.
  2. If other people do not like me, so be it. I don’t need to think over and over what the hell did I do wrong, what am I missing and what I did or did not do for me to not be liked the way I wanted to be liked. Because truthfully, people will not like me just as naturally. The same as I wouldn’t like everybody else right? So I have to remember that life works the way it does and I can’t do anything about it.
  3. Heartbreaks are inevitable. It’s a part of life as breathing is and nothing teaches us better than breaking us apart. Romantically, I wouldn’t have learned how to be a better partner to Kyx if I didn’t break my heart years before I met him. I wouldn’t even have met him if I didn’t break my heart right? So really, heartbreaks are blessings in disguise!
  4. When relationships fall apart sometimes, you can’t do anything but accept the fact that even people are temporary in our lives, no matter how important and valuable they may seem to us. In the unexpected turns of life, relationships may fall apart and if there’s nothing else you can do, accept that nothing lasts forever.
  5. I have been betrayed numerous times and I may have betrayed someone as well but the thing about betrayals is that it’s going to hurt but again, like heartbreaks, it’s going to teach you valuable lessons in life. Lessons that you will never forget.

Now, in low times, pick yourself up, read stuff like this, read this entry and you’ll probably feel a lot better.

 

WOAH. So I wrote this even before everything fell apart!!! My gosh, it’s amusing. It’s as if myself wrote an advice for my future self to read!!!

What About My OCD?

Since my diagnosis, like I said, everything fell into place. I understood myself better and it sort of calmed me in a way.

Let’s talk about my OCD journey.

I’ve had this ever since I was young and I feel like everyone in my immediate family knew. They did everything they could and tried to understand me every step of the way. Going back to all my not so fun quirks and rituals, my heart melts when I remember how my brothers, sister, mom would understand them as strange as they were. Thanks to my family for embracing all of me, my flaws and imperfections without a single doubt that I can be a better person, I can still be who I am and not be judged.

Here are some of the things that have confirmed my OCD (which I basically do not tell a lot of people but opening up now seems so helpful and useful not only for me but for others who may or may not have the same condition I do have)

  1. Before going to bed, I would realize something that I should have done like I suddenly felt the urge of washing my feet. Then I would tell myself that it’s not dirty and it doesn’t need extra washing. But then again, my mind would say GO WASH IT OR ELSE YOUR FAMILY WOULD DIE. So I would go and wash my feet just so my family wouldn’t die.
  2. I was trying to fill up a tub of water. So while waiting for it, I would do something else like wash my face etc. Then when I hear that the tub would be filled already, my brain automatically says something like YOU HAVE TO TURN THE FAUCET OFF NOW BECAUSE ONCE THE WATER SPILLS, YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE. So I would hurry the eff up and close the faucet like my life depended on it.
  3. I brush my teeth for a very long time until my gums bleed. This is because I feel like when I don’t see blood yet then it is not clean! So I have to brush and brush and brush until it bleeds.
  4. I have a particular set of spoon and fork at home that I use. Only I can use it and only if it was that particular set is to be used will I eat my meal. If not, I have to look for my own set or my family would.
  5. I have to knock 3 times all the time even if a bad thought came to my head. My brain tells me that if I don’t knock 3 times, my bad thoughts would come true.

Those are the only remarkable ones, I have a lot but most of the time, I would overcome it and outgrow them, until a new one develops.

Right now, I’m on the phase wherein I feel good about myself. I feel alive and enlightened. It’s as if I understand everything now. It’s a “EUREKA” moment for me. I know it would be hard but everyone close to my heart have made me feel secured, protected and understood. Not one in my family have shown distaste towards my condition and I feel like my family is enough. I wouldn’t ask the world to understand me, however I hope that one day, everyone would understand all the different conditions there is in the world. Everyone may be a little bit kinder, understanding and accepting of the uniqueness and individuality of others. I hope and I pray ❤