I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2018 was not the best but definitely not the worst especially now that I am realizing I did learn a lot of things this year. It was not as shitty as 2017 as we all know that’s the year I suffered a lot. However, true to what I believed, 2018 was the year of my healing. It wasn’t all bright and sunshine-y because maybe, I was thinking that healing is this really happy place of acceptance and repentance and love and everything hopeful only to find out that healing is embracing pain, lifting yourself up every time you fall down, it’s forgiving others and mostly yourself for every stupid thing that put you in pain, it’s learning to open your doors again, it’s understanding that there would be circumstances that will break your heart but you’ll eventually be okay, it’s meeting other people and learning from them, it’s being okay with solitude, it’s a lot of things far better than what I thought it would be. Although definitely difficult, still, it’s beautiful.
2018, my year of healing, you did not let me down. God did not let me down and of course, the universe did not let me the fuck down this time and gave me a fully healed heart. So I will share with you guys my top/favourite things I learned this year.
- No other than, self-love. It wasn’t easy to love myself knowing full well that I am so flawed. That I hurt people, I am judgmental and I always always close my door without giving other people chances whatsoever so it’s really hard for me to love myself because of who I have become but this year, I learned and I was able to give myself some loving and the rest just followed! Everything changed and I am happy!
- Balancing my pride. It was hard because I am filled with pride and if it can kill, I’m already dead but this year was just so humbling that I learned how to balance my pride and all that.
- I understood that imperfections and losing a bit of control is okay. Sometimes, being too controlling can ruin your life so I stopped and learned how to let things go without the automatic palpitations that comes with it.
- I accepted the fact that there will always always always be room for improvement therefor it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not be the best.
- LOVE AND KINDNESS are two essential things to acquire peace in life.
I’ll save more of these things for later! ❤
I don’t have anything planned for 2019 yet because I am trying to teach myself how to get through each day with the “one day at a time” mentality. Mostly it will be very very very difficult for me but at least, I am trying. I have set mini goals though and maybe these are resolutions? I am not sure but whatever.
- One of my main problems is I suck at replying to people. Whether it is a message or a comment, I suck at it. The most that people get from me is if they tweet me because 80% of the time, I wouldn’t miss w twitter comment or something like that. Although there’s about 20% chance I would miss it but still.. (oh forgive me for the use of ellipses he he) so this year, I will work more on my ability to actually reply to people. It’s not their fault I suck at it and it’s nothing personal. 80% of the time, I didn’t get to see it. AT ALL. and 20% I reply on my head. This time I’ll be more reliable when it comes to virtual communication. Hayy
- I don’t know but I don’t save people’s numbers on my phone. I guess I’m too irresponsible and lazy to do so. This year, I’ll try to save people’s number!!
- I’ll try to smile more. I don’t do it in person that’s why I get mistaken for being super sungit but I’m just really shy. Too shy to smile levelz.
Maybe I’ll add more to this list soon!
Looking back (again) at how my 2017 went, I’d like this year to be better and so I will make it better by starting to work on myself. I have a lot of issues with myself, my mental health, how I look physically, how I think, most of the time I’m toxic to my own self that it just makes things more complicated than it should. So here’s what I will strive to do and hopefully, mapanindigan ko.
- I will work on my relationship with God. Only a few people in my life would know that I’m a firm believer of God. I read the bible on a daily basis since I was a kid but on 2016 and 2017, I would just read it occasionally because I grew so busy with work and life and that’s not very nice. Though I don’t and will not act very godly ‘cause ya know, I keep it real and say bad words and think bad thoughts, I will try my hardest to work on that.
- I will not let my depression and anxiety hold me back. It’s all I ever did in 2017 and it was a bit late when I found myself trying to fix what I broke—myself. So this year, I will not let it come bite me in the ass again like it did last year. I’ll practice to be stronger!
- I will work hard on keeping myself healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
- I plan on spending more time with family and friends—my dad included. I have not been spending time with them because (only a few would totally get me) but in reality, I would spend time in my room without having to interact with anyone unless really needed. I spend a lot of time recharging because when I need to be social, I’m this ball of energy and it’s so draining afterwards. So this time, I will go out there (more than I did heh)!
- I will work on my temper. I have a very bad temper and it takes a lot to work on that but I am trying my best to be less psycho (especially with Kyx)
- I will keep my mouth shut when I know I wouldn’t have anything nice to say. I have learned that shutting up saves me from a lot of horrible experiences jusko!
- I will keep thinking about “what is this teaching me” in scenarios so I would not lose my shit.
Save yourself the trouble and let’s have a hopefully, happy 2018 year ahead. Life is short so whatever we can do kindly and nicely, let’s do it. Live unapologetically, live with faith in yourself while being thoughtful and kind to everyone.
2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.
Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:
- January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
- February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
- March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
- April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
- May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
- June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
- July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
- August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
- September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
- October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
- November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
- December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.
All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.
2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe
Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!