Getting Out of That Slump!

The end of February and the start of March were not easy for me. I am in constant battle with myself, struggling to be okay and normal. Maybe I was in social gatherings way too often than I would have wanted so I guess I craved time for myself that detaching and isolation is best for me when things get a little crazy on the inside. I mean I have no problem socializing and if you met me in person, you wouldn’t think I loved being alone. I can also be clingy and needy at times then there would be moments that I am out of the loop, that I don’t exist. It’s me and my energy. And again, detaching and isolating myself do not mean that I don’t like to be part of a group anymore or that I don’t like the company of others. I’m just that kind of person or maybe, I don’t like myself a lot in times when I don’t talk to anyone.

I only ever talk to Kyx and we’d always find our way into arguing about something. Is Mercury in retrograde again or is it just me being me?

If you saw me being all sociable and being present in social gatherings, expect not to hear from me for days or weeks. Normal ko yun.

I just wish I can go back to talking more and writing more. Idk.

Regarding my previous post, the only thing I can think of to just get out of the current slump I am is to do the following:

  • Usually, I get home at around 7:45 in the evening. After tea, I would do Yoga and skincare while watching Scandal.
  • I’d probably inject a chapter or 2 of a book before heading to bed.
  • I’d schedule my watercolour practice on Thursday or Friday nights every week.

I guess this is the first step in moving forward instead of allowing myself to get stuck. What do you think?


I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.

Drenched By The Waves of Reality

How? What happened? What changed and how I was able to do it?

In all these, aside from God that I have to thank for being with me through it, I have my mom of course and Kyx. I also have you guys, your patience is/was extraordinary. I was in this stupid cycle for way too long and I kept writing about it with different emotions, different updates but same problem and dilemma yet you were still there to help me get back on track. Feeling ko para ako yung tangang tao na paulit ulit nagrarant na iniwan ng boypren na umiiyak tapos magiging okay tapos iiyak ulit tapos kayo yung mga kaibigan kong ang laki ng pasensya sa akin. Thank you for all of that, for understanding me and being with me. What I went through may sound so simple to others but for me it’s a huge deal. Ibang klaseng mawalan ng kaibigan. Lalo na kapag akala mo forever friends na kayo. It’s just, it’s really hard. It was hard for me.

How I did it is nothing scientific or mathematical. It was all in front of me and I chose not to accept it. I was in denial for a long time and the situation wasn’t hard at all but I made it hard for myself. I realized how simple it is yet I refused to grasp on the idea and absorb it. I mean, what the fudge, Aila?!

You would (won’t) probably be surprised about how the secret unfolded right before my eyes (mind) but it was so simple. Nakakainis.

My last dilemma before I gave up was the questions I have been asking myself. I wrote about it, you guys knew about it. One fine day, I was slapped with the bitter truth and I tell you, there’s nothing more satisfying than finally opening your eyes as a huge wave of facts wash over you and you have no choice but to be drenched by it. I was so hungry for closure but deep inside, it wasn’t closure that I was seeking but I was wanting an apology from these people who hurt me thinking I can heal and move on immediately once I learned that they actually thought about their actions and regretted hurting me. That’s how I was looking at it. When one of these people tried reaching out to me through an email, I thought I want an apology from the others so what I did was I tried to talk to 2 (leaving 2 more) people, apologized again for what I did and hoped I would get a “sorry din” but I got nothing. He he he. For someone who’s pride is as high as the Petronas Towers, I was crushed and shocked! I was left thinking, how??? How are these people able to sleep so soundly at night without even dreaming about me and wanting my forgiveness?? How do they do it?

When I wrote last time about wanting to know whether I was forgiven or not, wanting closure, seeking and in fact hungry for it, I also asked Kyx. Here goes the “I don’t know ddear. Kasi ang makakasagot lang sa tanong mo ay yung mga taong yan. Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi kahit sino. Sila lang makakasagot niyan.” That cut right through me. I cried. I was devastated cause I want them to apologize to me so badly!!!

As in hello sinaktan niyo ako!!! As in tangina ninyo, ang sakit sakit ng ginawa niyo sakin!!!!!! As in ang sakit sakit sakit sakit non. Mas masakit pa yun sa hindi ko paglaki kasama tatay ko! Mas masakit pa sa unang heartbreak ko! Mas masakit pa sa lahat ng ibang nangyari kaya putangina ninyo, magsorry kayo sakin kasi dinurog niyo ako!!!!

And that, my friends, that is what held me back. I wasn’t able to move forward properly because at the end of the day, my poor little heart is crushed because howwwww the fuck do you forgive people who never apologized to you?! It was hard. It was sooo fucking hard but I realized something and it felt like cold ice all over me. It’s awakening, liberating. It’s something. It’s crazy.

You see, we have these expectations from people not only because we would have done the same thing for them like love them the way we feel we should be loved but because we feel like we know they are kind, forgiving and have a soft heart. We hold on to things thinking about everything good they did to us, they did for us. We dwell in the past and cling on to these people because we give them excuses such as they’re just still hurt, they were cruel because they were just angry, they didn’t apologize because maybe they’re shy and uncomfortable. We give them terrible excuses so we can accept them but we fail to see the reality, the truth, the bitter truth that—no, they would not apologize simply because they don’t want to. They forgot you simply because they chose to do so. They did not bother with you anymore simply because you have ceased to exist in their pretty world.

We fail to accept the ugly things we and other people do because we have certain expectations from them.

Pero hindi lahat ng tao pare-pareho, hindi lahat kayang aminin ang kanilang pagkakamali, hindi lahat iniisip ang peace of mind ng kapwa nila, hindi lahat ng tao mabait.

Even though I know that they know they did something wrong, the fact is that they just didn’t feel the need to apologize. May mga ganon pala talagang tao at sino ba naman ako para mag-expect ng apology diba.

When I accepted that they would probably never apologize thinking I deserve nothing but their absence, I felt lighter and naging tuloy tuloy na.

Life doesn’t work the way we expect it to be because humans like to complicate simple things. Instead of saying sorry, we give other people burden and hell just for the heck of it when in fact we can just simply fucking say sorry. But hey, c’est la vie!

Don’t get stuck wanting an apology or wanting love or wanting acceptance from others. Don’t get yourself stuck somewhere because you deserve to get a move on. You deserve a better life and you have to do it for YOU.

Let’s Celebrate!

Let me update you guys with how (well) I’m doing with all these moving on thing from my ex friends.

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you know that I have gone through a hell-ish experience the day after I turned 26. That involved cutting off important people from my life and being cut from theirs as well. It also meant saying goodbye to those whom I shared my life for 15 years and that has been a huge struggle for me.

Creating a new Facebook account and instagram actually did help with the healing process. I filtered who I want to keep in both my social media life and real life.

It was hard to focus on healing when I was left seeking for closure. Somehow, I think, I was wanting people to apologize to me thinking that maybe they have realized that they did me wrong even if I know we’ll never be friends again. Maybe I was too hurt to grasp the fact that I didn’t get the apology I needed for my own healing so I felt like I needed closure. I didn’t. Now I know I don’t need it and I can sleep better at night knowing that I did my part.

After so many tears, falling again and standing up for a good 6 months, finally, I can truthfully say, without bitterness, without questions anymore that I have already moved on! I AM SO HAPPY.

Looking back, it would still give me a pinch but I am not angry anymore. I don’t even seek apologies I’d never receive, I don’t even care anymore. It’s like I just totally moved on from being stuck somewhere.

You guys are right. Makakaget over din ako talaga and eto na nga iyon. I don’t miss them anymore, hindi ko na naiisip na if there are things I want to talk about sila yung gusto kong kausapin. Aside from a few friends left that are not part of that circle, I have Kyx. I also have people from TFIOB who I surprisingly admire and trust!! I also have office friends and lastly, I have my mom. So nag-focus na ako doon and hindi na ako nagdu-dwell sa past kasi tapos na iyon at wala na akong magagawa. Kung ayaw nila ng closure at nagawa nila ng walang kahirap hirap, maybe I should do it for myself din diba.  So sobrang happy ako na nakamove on na ako from my sad sappy self. HUHUHUHU dahil diyan, inuman na!

Para Que?

I’ve made a decision that I no longer allow petty bullshit to affect me and in order for me to do that, I needed to use my empty instagram account for good. HAH!

You see, after the “hell” I’ve been through, I created an instagram account but have not used it because I found myself having a hard time to let go of my posts, comments, likes –which has no bearing in my life to be honest. It’s so toxic to be attached like that diba?

So anyway, today, I finally used the empty IG account and made it private. I also only followed those I like to keep in both social media life and real life plus only allowed to be followed by those people. Some of you guys would probably think that I’m being petty and immature but that’s how I know I can cope with what I’m dealing with so… It’s easy for you to say that I should just block those whom I don’t like but that’s not very easy for me to do. Baka may issue pa diba, so I just made a new account and kept it exclusively for those I like lang talaga. HAH!

When I did this with creating a new Facebook account, my (psychiatrist of a) brother said that I can do that if that’s going to help me heal. Oh diba. 🙂 Jinujustify ko talaga eh.

Kasi guys, it’s affecting me THAT much talaga. It’s so unhealthy. Umaabot sa point na either I just go to the profiles of people I like and watch their IG stories there so I wouldn’t accidentally watch the stories of those I don’t like diba. They also don’t double tap on my photos and I know they don’t like me so why do I even bother with those people. I mean it’s not really about the “like” button. I feel like we don’t have to add or follow each other if we both know we don’t like each other. Para que?

(fave ko talaga sabihin yung phrase na “Para que?”; my mom uses that phrase like 100000 times a day HAH! If you don’t know what that means, it means “what for?” or “para saan pa?”

Okay lang mag-hate follow when like you know, I guess kapag di niyo naman kilala talaga isa’t isa or what pero if you’re coming from something deeper, kagaya nung sakin, ex friend na kita ifafollow mo pa ako just for the sake na masabi na mature enough ka to see me on social media pero you hate me so much naman eh wag nalang. 🙂 ❤

Realizations Yet Again

One of the many good things I have learned through the course of brokenness, losing people and heartache is that, I’m actually done with bullshit. Yes, I’m done with my own bullshit, I’m done with other people’s bullshit. I’m basically just here to spend a good amount of time to enjoy life and appreciate all the good and bad things it has to offer.

I’m done wanting long messages from people. I no longer require a litany of comforting words. I’m long past the promises of “I’ll be there for you no matter what” because like I’ve said soooo many times before, this is the “no matter what” but where are they anyway?

 I’ve appreciated and I’ve seen sincerity in short sentences. I no longer find the need for grandiosity. A simple yet sincere “thank you” is more than enough for me to know that my worth is so much more than I have given myself credit for.

Let It Go, Let It Gooooo

Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!

My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)

I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.

Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?