Of Letting Go (cycle 100 hahaha)

More than a year ago, I forced myself to create a new world for me. A place where I will be at peace with myself, a place where I am in control of who I let inside my heart and my life. It was so difficult at first. Mahirap matalikuran and at the same time, talikuran ang mga taong naging parte ng buhay mo for 15 years. It wasn’t an easy choice but a choice I have to make, a choice I have to do for myself. A choice that will help me move on and heal. And it was the only choice so I have to make do of it or I’ll let myself sink.

At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to live with it, that I will be lonely and sad all through my days because I am so used to having these people in my life despite everything but look at me now, I am still so full of life! I am alive and definitely happier?! I never have imagined myself being so grateful about this.

I’d have to say that reminiscing never helped me. It still makes me a bit sad that things took a different turn. I would always think to myself that I could have done things differently but it won’t be of any use now would it?

I’ve learned so much about friendship and relationships. How to treasure people and how to love even more.

I’ve learned so much about myself. I saw what I was doing wrong and I rectified it. I redeemed myself through these heart breaking experiences and that made me a better person!

Yesterday I was seriously feeling triumphant that I survived a year without these people. Not that I don’t miss them now. I can’t say anymore that hindi ko na sila namimiss or naaalala because deep down inside, I still do and I’m not afraid to admit it, not even to myself. I just feel really good na kinakaya ko and kaya ko pala talaga.

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Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.

Note To Self #1

Kung mabilis silang kalimutan ka at burahin ka sa buhay nila, MAG MOVE ON KA NA KASI PUNYETA PALA EH. KAYA PALA NAMAN NILA GAWIN YON TAPOS IKAW MUKA KA LANG TANGA NA NAIIYAK NALULUNGKOT NANANAGINIP TUNGKOL SA KANILA PERO IKAW DI KA NA NILA NAIISIP DIBA? SO ANO PA BANG SAYSAY NG FEELINGS MO??? TANGINA. Kung kaya ka nila ilaglag ng walang ano ano, HINDI SILA KAWALAN. HINDI SILA IMPORTANTE. WALA SILANG KWENTA SA BUHAY MO NGAYON KAYA TIGILAN MO NA ANG MALUNGKOT DAHIL WALAAAAAAANG KWENTAAAAAA ANG KINALULUNGKUTAN MO. NYEMAS!

I Just Got Used To It

I don’t know how long this post will be because I am not really thinking properly, I just want a raw out-pour of what is going on in my mind right now.

Since 2018 started, I am feeling very positive that this will be the year, my year for the Lord.  And with that, this year will also be the year of Healing, moving on, letting go and forgiveness. So let me share with you, the unfiltered process of how I got here.

It was one year and a month ago and probably some couple of days and minutes and seconds. I can still clearly remember every single thing. From the petty and mean words I am told to how my heart was broken and my soul torn into pieces. I can still remember clearly how I have to suck it in day and night, grasp all the energy and sturdy things I could get a hold of onto because I was in a very fragile state but I don’t want my loved ones, the people supporting me, to see that I am giving up on myself. I trusted the process and the stages of grief but it wasn’t easy as cake. It was hella terrible because:

  • I can’t wrap the idea around my head that it is all over. Gone and done. Bye.
  • I keep asking how it is THAT easy for these people to throw me under the bus and not hear me out and not talk to me properly and just give me a chance like they gave each other chances. I think I pretty much deserve a chance as well didn’t I?
  • I keep replaying over and over and over again what happened and to be honest, it is still very painful but I’d probably give in and give them a chance when they asked for it. Nobody asked. Nobody wanted it. Nobody felt that they needed to apologize for the pain they have caused me.
  • I keep apologizing for the mistakes I did and I was really really really (sorry for using too many “reallys” to think I’m actually a writer and this happens? Lol) really really sorry for everything, every pain I may have caused but no one ever thought of the pain they may have caused.
  • I felt like it was very easy for them because you know what, no one even tried blocking me off of their social media. HAHA. It’s as if it’s okay for them to see me without them in my life. It’s like it wouldn’t make them feel bad remembering me. No bitter taste in their mouths in the mention of my name. It’s like I still exist but they could care less. HOW??? Cause I can’t even begin to try being around them even on social media because I wanted to move on.

The list goes on and on. There were so many things running in my mind that time and I’m so emotionally stressed out and burdened by them all so I had to run really far and fast.

As I was running, I found pieces of me. Gems hidden in stony ugly places. Hard to reach branches and steep cliff-y places. Then I found people I can be myself with.

I clung on to the people who love me still despite everything else. I clung on to God.

I worked harder. I was in the office from 9am until 11pm.

If I wasn’t working overtime, I worked my ass off in boxing or when I feel really tired, I’d do Yoga.

There was so much going back and forth. Being able to move forward then taking 2 steps backward. It was such a long process and along the way, I have learned and grew so much!

I had no idea, that the things that made it hard for me to move forward are the same exact things that made me realize how I need to move on and let go. (the bulleted ones I wrote on top) that these are even the reasons why I need to let these people go. Because..

  • It was easy for them to drop me like a hot tamale
  • It was easier to not give me a chance than trying to fix everything
  • That they weren’t even sorry at all!
  • That they can live with the fact that they can see me like nothing happened.

Exactly. Why. I. Need. To. Let. Go.

And again, I have moved on from that already. I no longer feel anger. I have tamed the pain. But I realized today that it will always always always still be so painful. I just got used to it.


Featured image not mine; got it from Google.

 

A year ago, A friend, A quote

I keep starting off my blog posts with “a year ago..” blah blah blah and it’s getting really annoying but really, I think I’m starting off with that phrase or something similar so bear with me.

It was almost a year ago, it was in July. I was in the middle of moving on, I’m trying every morning to keep going but it was so hard for me ya know? So usually, I’d write about my feelings and a few of you guys who have turned into my online friends, will help me through comforting words, pieces of advice and a lot of encouragement. One of the few who have helped me in a really personal level was Zhengfan. I asked him how I can heal from the traumatic experience and he emailed me his “1 cent” in the matter. When I read that, I felt really good and encouraged. But reading what he wrote after almost a year has passed, I feel different!!! I mean I still feel good and encouraged but something clicked inside me, it’s like everything made perfect sense and I can’t quite pinpoint how and why but the feeling is overwhelmingly amazing!

Here’s a snippet of what he wrote and this helped me a lot. More than I can say, more than I could ever explain.

“Think of your problems as a spoonful of salt. What happened when your turn this spoonful of salt in a glass of water? Damn salty. But what if you pour this spoonful of salt into the gushing river? You won’t even notice its existence. Go accumulate your happiness, and let them wash those haunting thoughts in your mind right now, just like the river washing away the salt into oblivion.”

So if you are going through a shitty time, look back in this post and check the quote. It helped me, it might help you too.

To Zhengfan, Thank you my friend. The rest will be written in the email I’ll be sending! Haha

Healed, Hopeful and Happy

After a year, now what?

Finally being able to move on took a long year to take place but what’s so good about it is that my heart has fully healed and I am way past remembering how painful it was for me a year ago.

If you’re new to this blog of mine (as if talaga may new people reading haha) here’s what happened to me, choose from the links or read everything if you want but I swear it was a totally different person writing it. I can’t even remember myself feeling all those emotions. ANG BIGAT before grabe. Anyway, I was filled with so much anger and hatred that finding peace, forgiveness and love sounded impossible. I just kept writing about it though (kahit pauilit ulit)

I wrote about how I am trying to move on, how one day I am happy and the next day I remember everything and I break down and cry. I wrote all about the cycle of seeking closure and failing. I wrote about how I found comfort from my family, Kyx, some friends and my TFIOB family. I wrote about expanding the world I live in. When I look back, I am seeing just now how the universe and God played a huge part with my healing. It was a long gruelling process and it wasn’t a very pretty thing to go through but here I am, all fixed, healed, hopeful and happy!

Healed – I forgave and let go of everyone who hurt me one way or another. I don’t bother anymore whether they remember all the good things I ever did to them, I don’t feel bad anymore. Hindi na ako nanghihinayang. My mom said (no offense lang if may matatamaan) hindi kailangang panghinayangan ang mga ganoong klaseng tao. I believe her. It’s not as if I didn’t feel bad losing these people. It’s just that the way things have ended, I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I love. I mean I wouldn’t break them how they broke me. But like I said, I don’t have ill feelings anymore towards these people. I don’t feel bad for myself anymore. It’s as if I have gained more from the loss.

Hopeful – Since letting go and forgiving these people, I am hopeful that somehow, they have also forgiven me for the pain I have caused them. Though I am not downplaying what I did, but what I did wasn’t directly and intentional. But I am acknowledging that it would have really been painful as well if it was the other way around. I am hopeful that ever since new doors and blessings rained, I have opened myself more to new things and new people. It helped me grow!

Happy – I am in a happy place now. I have forgiven myself as well from the things I blamed myself for. I realized the wrong things I have been doing and changed my ways. I learned a lot of things and with that I am truly grateful!