The More They Bring You Down, The More You Rise Above

Ever felt like when people try to bring you down, destroy you and make you feel so little. Break you and leave you with so much hurt in your heart, pain in everything, that’s when He actually lifts you up and that’s when you elevate yourself even more?

I was talking to Kyx about how everything that has been painful made me a better person. I mean I’m not saying this because I want to be inspirational. I’m saying this because I have proven this to myself. They say pain makes you stronger and who would have thought that it really is true? I always thought of these clichés as things other people wanted to tell us so we could feel better and less shitty but I was wrong. Maybe it really does make us feel better and less shitty but for the most part, it makes us get up every single time we get knocked down. Only the first fall hurts so much, when you fall again, you’d be so much stronger that you wouldn’t even think of it as a painful fall anymore.

I didn’t know that at the age of 26, I’d still be capable of losing friends whom I have known for 15 long years! It’s even more than half of my life right? Imagine how painful it was for me. I am a very soft person and I cry over the slightest, littlest of things. Imagine how big of a deal it was. I wasn’t like “okay guys, fuck it, I’m over it”. It was more of feeling so terrible, it was even worse than a boyfriend break-up mind you.

But I realized sooner than I expected to do so, how much I have gained after the loss. And that’s what happens when you go so fucking low, instead of sinking, you get to rise above it all. Pain and hurt only a memory and learning. There’s no way but up they said, and that’s what happened.

Whenever people try to put you down and hurt you, the universe conspires to help you in all ways it can. He lifts you up in the most unexpected moments. So the next time people out you through so much pain, be prepared to get over it and rise above.

Go Ahead, Roll Your Eyes On Me

 

Instead of appreciating that I have come forward to apologize, some people find it easier to roll their eyes on me and call me pathetic. I’m not gonna lie, if it was a normal day, I’d probably start ugly crying again. They even use my tears as a sign of weakness and “acting”. To be honest, I am just really soft, sensitive and empathic. Empathic people feel so much if you don’t know by now.

In my apology, in seeking for (unworthy) people’s forgiveness, I get insulted and called names. A good actor, pathetic, lying bitch and the list goes on. I find it really hurtful though it’s really pretty funny for me, it’s sad at the same time. How are you calling yourselves adults and this is what you give?

An apology that gets ignored is pretty okay and understandable. But insults? When are these people going to ever start growing up? I don’t mean to spite but here I am trying to be a better person and then I get these crap? Oh my gosh.

For now, I’ll let you go ahead and roll your eyes on me. Call me names and insult me, but I think it’s better to be better than that. I think lowering to that level will not do me any good.

So if you encounter circumstances like this, don’t take it against yourself. Understand that life works that way. Sooner or later, these people will realize the wrong things they have done. If not, the universe will make them. The universe might even put them in that situation and maybe, they won’t even remember what they did to you but at least the lesson will be there for them to be actually better people. Let them insult you, let them call you names. Those names they call you? It speaks more of them as it does for you as a person. So don’t let it get to your head. Always do what’s right. Do what makes your heart happy and your mind at peace. At the end of the day, your soul will be happier than ever and you are winning in life.

Welcome Back!

Welcome back, human. You’re here again and hopefully you’ll stay in your realm of acceptance, understanding and happiness.

You may have probably crawled pitifully your way back but the important thing is that you’re here now, here again.

Life will continue to go on and though you have recovered from an ugly past filled with pain and suffering, it doesn’t mean that you won’t go through shit again. It will still be a mix of fun, laughter, sadness, loneliness and happiness but the thing is, you’re much more experienced now and well—stronger.

This is why you shouldn’t let the pain, hurt and trauma hunt you on your way towards a brighter future. There isn’t a promise of not going through a painful and traumatic experience in life again but more often than not, you would usually let it hunt you down and that’s not what you need to do.

You have to be able to look at each experience with joy in your eyes, you have to be able to put the fear, pain and hurt in your hands and feel it. You have to be able to acknowledge it so that you can easily let it go without fearing the memory of it. Accepting it takes courage and a huge chunk of self-love. These things, the things that caused you pain should be treated as your very own bedrock. The bedrock that you will use for growth. The very ground that you plant yourself in, in order to grow and become a better person.

Healing Takes More Than Just Time

6a667ac6588743e23a873af086c5ca13--forgive-quotes-i-forgive-you

Over the course of time, in my healing process I realized that it’s more than just time. Healing takes a lot of courage and acceptance. You just can’t depend on how long you’ve been going through the same shit expecting yourself to just go and move on, get healed.

Of course, healing takes time. No matter how hurt you are, no matter how painful it is, no matter how long you felt like you’ve been suffering, all these are temporary and you will heal.

Through time, you’d embrace every single crap you ever dealt with and understand the pain it caused you. You will realize that it’s not because the universe wanted you to suffer but simply because everything happens for the greater cause and you must take your struggles as opportunity for growth.

Everyone heals in time, everyone realizes their mistakes, everyone understands each other given the right amount of time, the right moment.

Aside from that, you must take hold of your courage. With courage, you’d be able to accept things as it is without fearing what the future has to offer.

Slowly But Surely

For some, 3 months is probably a short time to consider but for someone like me, a constantly busy person who goes to work 6 days a week—3 months is a long time for me.

At first, I was rushing myself to just get over it as quickly as possible. I kept telling myself how these are all nonsense and that I didn’t have much time to acknowledge these ill feelings. Maybe that’s why I keep going through hell and back over and over again. I was stuck in a loop, in a cycle I didn’t understand. Sometimes I cry, other times I’m angry. Sometimes I faked smiles, sometimes I feel like it’s over and I have accepted everything. Sometimes I wrote in rage, sometimes I felt okay. That’s how I have been and that didn’t help me at all (or maybe it did? A little I guess)

I talked to Zheng (a good friend of mine) and asked him his thoughts (I’ll write about it in a different post but let me get his permission first lol) and that’s the only time that I finally understood what I was going through.

It all came to me that I needed to treat it slowly. Slowly but surely.

Slowly, I felt good about myself, I felt good about what happened. I realized that I needed this. I needed to be broken apart so I can rebuild myself, so I can find what I lost and that’s the only time that I fully embraced myself.

Though I slipped a million times for the past 3 months, I feel really better now.

Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

e8a3fe099191cf6089b509c770c71f4e--lonely-quotes-broken-quotes

Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

Let Yourself Move On

After everything, I got lost into my own little world. The world I created trying to shelter myself from too much pain. I created something sturdy for myself, something that will shield me from heartbreak.

I created a new Facebook account and blocked anyone that I don’t want to be part of my new life. I kept mostly to myself in the social media world, just like others, I posted only what’s on the surface. I stopped looking at my instagram feed, afraid that familiar faces might pop and I’ll only get triggered and cry. Allow me to do that for myself because that is how I think would work for me while dealing with the grief and burden.

I resorted to my blog. Wrote my feelings out, interacted a lot only to the people in and around the wordpress world. I stayed out of the zone in real life and only met up with the people that’s really dear to my heart.

I lost track of those who have hurt me and sometimes, I wonder how everything turned out for them but I realized that it’s good to not keep tabs on these people in order for me to fully recover and move on from all these.

Someone asked me if I get bothered by what they say about me. Maybe if I was asked a month or 2 ago, I’d tell you that I’ll be affected. But now, I don’t bother anymore. I also believe that people involved in that drama are over it and wouldn’t talk about me. I believe after all these, they are okay and happy. After all, I was the one left behind right?

So now, I’ll tell you. If you get too bothered about what others think and say, remember that we can only control ourselves. What we think and what we do. We can’t control others just as they can’t control us, so let them be. Let them judge you, say stuff about you, because as far as you know, what they say and do is none of your business just as what you say and do are none of theirs. Because at the end of the day, what they say and do speaks and shows more about them than you. So chill out, get over it, walk past the drama and move on. Though hard at first, you can (fucking) do it!