Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!
My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)
I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.
Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?
When it comes to healing, moving on and letting go
Why do we need closure, why do we seek and crave for it? And why, despite knowing that this is probably common and needed, people do not give it to you?
Why do we need to hear whether we are forgiven or not, why do we need to be put into place? Why do we need to know these things?
Why despite the chances of hearing and knowing the bad things they have to say, we still want to hear it anyway?
Someone tell me. Seriously. I need to be enlightened.
I don’t know but the purpose of my hard drive has been changed accidentally. My brother initially gave it to me so I can store movies and series and everything I want without worrying about the little space my small laptop could offer. Now, my hard drive is being used to store the junk that I couldn’t delete yet I choose to save for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.
I am looking for excuses as to why the photos and videos of me and my ex best friends are kept and stored safely on my hard drive when in all honesty, there’s no reason for it at all. When everything turned sour and bad and I was left to rot, there’s no turning back. I know for a fact that no one wants to go back there, in that hellhole of a shitty place. Not even the shittiest person would choose to go back there yet I still choose to keep the memories, the stuff left behind, the ones left for me.
Half of the space used up are because photos and videos and random selfies we took from days when we had solid fun. I don’t think it makes me happy or sad just by looking at it but I keep wondering why is it still there.
A friendship breakup is harder than a couple break-up. Or is it just me? Well, every broken relationship is sick and sad but this, this is crazier than all other break ups because in friendship, no one expects or preempts a break up. Maybe that’s why it is harder.
My hard drive still sits beside me while I’m typing this and I still can’t find it within me to delete everything. Trust me, it’s not like I look at everything and cry. Maybe sooner or later I’ll be able to delete it but until that day arrives, I don’t know what to do with it.
Most of the photos were from adventures we took! Places we visited, restaurants we tried. In those pictures and videos, we looked so happy. We looked unbreakable. But not everything is what it seems to be.
Hindi lahat ng masayang tignan ay masaya talaga. I hate you sometimes, Memories. Nakakagulo ka ng damdamin at isipan. Pakshet.
Lately I have been thinking of how I can start my life anew. Like start on a clean slate.
I started to think about the old friends I used to have and how my life turned upside down. I started my forgiveness since the day I have finally understood that nope, there’s no going back. But forgiveness is a tricky thing and for the first time in a long time, I don’t blame myself for it.
I have pictured and made myself believe that I am walking forward, toward a new life but in reality I was trying to walk forward while turning for over a couple of dozens of times only to realize that there’s no need for me to look back.
Part of my being is keeping memories close to my heart. I can remember even the smallest of details from 20 years ago and it still plays very vividly on my mind as if it was just yesterday. So the problem with letting go of people is the memories I had back with them. I don’t think I was ever prepared that what I have held on for so long—the memories, are made to be forcibly forgotten.
How in the world will I ever forget these when I don’t even intend to remember it anymore? How will I do that?
I got a simple answer care of myself as usual. That’s when forgiveness enters and I must understand its meaning, value and what it entails.
When I forgive these people, I can move forward without hesitations, without looking back and regretting every step I took forward.
There are people I have cut out from my life and there are people who did just that to me. Now, in the midst of trying to let everything go and move on from where I am, I couldn’t help but think how some people can simply cut you off without having closure? But I guess that’s how the cope with things.
I just hope that I can leave everything behind and only look back from time to time without hurting myself on the thought of retracing memories. I just. I just really want to let myself go.
Just now, when I woke up, I realized that hey, no, I don’t deserve that kind of cruelty! And no one actually deserves it to be honest.
When I was still so confused, I felt and thought that maybe I deserved all the shit. I deserved to be shamed like that, I deserved that my best friends pitted on me. It was hard for me to process everything especially that my mind was too clouded and I ate all the shit they served me. My first instinct when confronted with the bad stuff I did or with the bad things I have said a hundred years ago was to apologize because well, I did say bad stuff and I may have added fuel to the fire for one time too many and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t alone. I was with people talking behind another person. Looking back, it’s both funny and sad.
Not because I still long for them, hell no. The fact that I thought I actually deserved it was sad and funny because no one was kind enough in that group to tell me and the others that it wasn’t a one man’s fault. HAH!
I stand today, knowing in my heart that I did not deserve it. No one deserves that kind of mental and emotional trauma these “friends” have put me through.
Good riddance and I hope this doesn’t happen to you or you won’t do anything like this anymore.
* *If you are one of those who did this to me and you’re reading this, don’t get mad. People do not know who you are. 😉 I didn’t name drop.
September, the 5th month after everything.
If you just followed me recently, you probably didn’t know (unless you’ve read through my past posts) that my life literally changed 24 hours (or less) after my birthday.
I have written a dozen times about what I went through and how I coped with my loss and today, let me say that I have moved on. I am probably not fully healed because I still dream about my ex-best friends every night. I dreamed about one of my ex-best friend last night but I didn’t feel bad after waking up.
I am welcoming the new month with peace of mind, a grateful heart with so much learning, realization and wisdom. I am not even half the person I am today if not for what happened. (if you want to know what happened, look HERE)
I wake up every day with the thought that I still have people who care about me and who thinks I matter. I am grateful for everyone who has helped me get through everything.
The blog readers whom I consider friends now – you guys know who you are. You were there through it all. The beginning of my mess until now that I have fully moved on and recovered. You stood by me, comforting and acting as an exhaust where I can vent without judgment. You guys also helped me realize my worth, what I need to work on and what I am great at (hehe)
Aside from you all, my family and Kyx helped me every waking day whether I am happy or sad. I also opened myself up to meeting new people and finding friends through this blog and at the office. In person, I am very quiet and shy so it took a while for me to warm up but now, I have office bffs!
I am looking forward to more learning, more wisdom and more new people to be friends with.
I am happy though that in real life, I have only a few “constants”. Mas valuable.
Ever felt like when people try to bring you down, destroy you and make you feel so little. Break you and leave you with so much hurt in your heart, pain in everything, that’s when He actually lifts you up and that’s when you elevate yourself even more?
I was talking to Kyx about how everything that has been painful made me a better person. I mean I’m not saying this because I want to be inspirational. I’m saying this because I have proven this to myself. They say pain makes you stronger and who would have thought that it really is true? I always thought of these clichés as things other people wanted to tell us so we could feel better and less shitty but I was wrong. Maybe it really does make us feel better and less shitty but for the most part, it makes us get up every single time we get knocked down. Only the first fall hurts so much, when you fall again, you’d be so much stronger that you wouldn’t even think of it as a painful fall anymore.
I didn’t know that at the age of 26, I’d still be capable of losing friends whom I have known for 15 long years! It’s even more than half of my life right? Imagine how painful it was for me. I am a very soft person and I cry over the slightest, littlest of things. Imagine how big of a deal it was. I wasn’t like “okay guys, fuck it, I’m over it”. It was more of feeling so terrible, it was even worse than a boyfriend break-up mind you.
But I realized sooner than I expected to do so, how much I have gained after the loss. And that’s what happens when you go so fucking low, instead of sinking, you get to rise above it all. Pain and hurt only a memory and learning. There’s no way but up they said, and that’s what happened.
Whenever people try to put you down and hurt you, the universe conspires to help you in all ways it can. He lifts you up in the most unexpected moments. So the next time people out you through so much pain, be prepared to get over it and rise above.