Same Story, Different Perspective PART 1

I wrote a really long blog entry last night but I couldn’t find it anywhere in my laptop and I wanted to cry but whatever. Leche.

Intentions

It feels a lot easier to tell the story now that I have finally moved on. It’s like I am telling the story from a different perspective!

One of the favourite things I have learned and focused on from the emotional mess I have endured in the past were “intentions”.


It was the day after my 26th birthday. I was in a really happy mood especially that my best friend Gee and I agreed to have dinner at Eastwood after months of not seeing each other. I arrived at Mcdonald’s—our meeting place around 20 minutes earlier. While I wait for Gee, I ordered fries and Coke.

While waiting, an earthquake happened. I thought I was just dizzy but I saw how the tables and chairs swayed, people looked at each other with a bit of panic in their eyes. I stared down at my Coke and saw that though it wasn’t splashing, the black liquid is definitely moving. I held on to it knowing full well that it might spill if the earthquake decides to be more extra. After a good minute or 2, I messaged my friends. I was worried that something might have happened, I want to make sure they were fine. They said that they felt it too and that they’re okay.

Gee arrived and we headed to Bigoli’s. It used to be Fazoli’s, our ultimate fave back then. After eating, Gee had to run quick at the Globe center , something to do with her postpaid line I guess. So while waiting, I checked my phone. There was a message from K in the Group chat. She sent photos of wrecked buildings caused by the earthquake and then said “sana may nabagsakan nalang niyan eh” (translation: “I wish someone got hit by those”—pertaining to the building wreck) I knew instantly something was wrong. Then she suddenly sent a new message containing screenshots of old conversations as proof of my snide comments. My comments were not bad but it was bad enough to be exposed like that. I was trying to pacify the situation, admitting to what I said and apologizing if someone have found it offensive when being offensive wasn’t my intention. Maybe it was blunt and insensitive but what I said was true and it wasn’t meant to be mean! But somehow, my words were twisted and I was frustrated to further explain myself especially when no one was listening. By the time that everyone was just going crazy, I said my piece again that they were taking what I said the wrong way and still no one cares, I left the group chat.

I was hyperventilating. My world was spinning and I can’t even continue eating my chicken which of course had gone cold already. I can’t even drink. I was in shock!

I waited for Gee and told her what had happened, after dinner I went home and cried my eyes out to my mom. I told her everything that happened and I was ugly crying and I think I messaged Kyx too so he drove to my mom’s house and comforted me as well. They were also in shock that something like that had to happen, it was really petty! I was crying so much that my mom wanted to intervene. She wanted to call someone, the barangay, the cops, whatever. But I told her I need to do this on my own.

My mom’s eyes were super wide and she has this look of hurt in her face. She looked strong and at the same time helpless. She lit her Marlboro lights and puffed it while telling me how I should speak up for myself and don’t let these people talk to me in a very degrading way. (did I mention I was called a bitch, two faced friend et cetera haha)

I think I calmed down eventually but still in shock and I wasn’t able to sleep well that night. I was crying sooooo hard every minute it flashes back in my mind.

I never got to talk to these people after I left the group chat. At least not immediately.

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“It’s Okay”

Why do we have the nagging fear of missing out? What is it that we feel like we always have to be part of something? Why do we need to fit in places we don’t fit into no matter how hard we try?

If you have the fear of missing out, if you want so badly to fit in and you look at your past as if you lost something and it gets really hard to move forward, here’s a reminder.

  • Yes it’s fun while it lasted, it’s good while it lasted, and everything was such a blast until it had to end. The initial feeling we have would be regret, heartache, resentment and insert all feelings of hurt here but (I know it’s easier said than done) couldn’t we all have a change in perspective? Say for example, gratefulness and even relief! How about hope? Let’s change our attitude towards bad endings. Let’s nod or tip off your hat and welcome the new beginning! Be hopeful for what is in store for us in the days that are coming.
  • It’s okay to not be part of something you used to be part of. I get the feeling that you are like this piece of puzzle and you seriously fit into it perfectly and then all of a sudden, the picture changed and you as a piece—is not needed anymore. It’s okay, don’t get sad over shit like that for you have your own new picture with lots of other new puzzle pieces that fit in its place now. A picture that also do not need the old puzzle pieces anymore. Quits lang, kumbaga.
  • A closed door, a different path is not the end of it all. It’s also a sign of new opportunities and growth!

I was thinking the other day about my old friends and how I am not going to be part of their lives, their future and even their milestones. I wouldn’t be able to be there, be proud, be happy for them when they reach their dreams and that’s okay. Not that it’s okay because “quits lang” but it’s really okay because maybe, our lives are only weaved for a period of time and that it was broken off for the better. It’s okay because moving on, letting go and growing means leaving the past behind because that’s where it is meant to be left.

And just as my mom always says, people who left us and chose to weed us out of their lives are the ones that we don’t need panghihinayang.

 Kaya, okay lang yan. Okay lang talaga yan.

Ngayong Oktubre

Sinabi na sa atin nang paulit ulit, at ilang beses na rin naman nating natunghayan, na ang lahat ng pasakit, lahat ng masakit, lahat ng kahindik-hindik na tagpo sa ating buhay ay natatapos, nakakalimutan, napapatawad, naiiwan sa nakaraan sa oras na pinili na nating lumakad pasulong, sa oras na pinili na nating lumisan.

Oo. Lahat tayo nakakamove on. Lahat ng sugat ng nakaraan din kasi ay naghihilom.

Kapag iniisip ko lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko, pinipilit kong alalahanin kung anong nangyari sa lumang sarili ko. Ano ba ako noong mga panahong iyon? Nalugmok ba ako at umiyak ng sobra? Hindi ko na maalala kung paanong pinilit ng utak kong kalimutan ang mga nangyari. Hindi ko na maalala ang lahat nga ng pangyayari, pero ang alam ko, simula nang inumpisahan kong umisod, simula nung inihakbang ko ang mga paa ko, unti unti nang naghilom ang mga sugat na hindi ko naman sigurado kung natamo ko ba sa ibang tao o sa sarili kong kagagawan.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ikukwento ng maayos sa inyo yung mga bagay na naiisip ko ngayong naglangib na nga ang malalim na sugat ko. Dati kasi, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong may kagagawan ng lahat, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong dahilan kung bakit nagkaganito at bumalentong ang mundo ko. Pero kasi hindi eh. Hindi maaaring masaktan ka na tipong ikaw lang ang may kasalanan, na ikaw lang ang lahat ng may kagagawan. Hindi naman sa sinasabi kong sisihin natin ang ibang tao pero kasi, narealize ko na ang sagot sa mga katanungan ko ay makikita ko lang sa oras na mas mahal ko na ang sarili ko. Yung bang may paninindigan ako, yun bang hindi ako makikinig o maniniwala sa sasabihin ng ibang tao dahil mas kilala ko ang sarili ko. Nakilatis ko na rin ang mga taong talagang may pagmamahal at malasakit sakin kaya naman hindi na ako nagpapatinag sa mga opinyon ng kung sino sino lang.

Una, napag-isip isip kong hindi para sa akin ang ginawa nila kundi para sa kanila. Wala naman akong nakuha o na-gain sa mga bagay na sinabi nila. Sila ang may nakuha. Siguro kung tumaas ang self-esteem nila at napatatag nila ang mga sarili nila, eh di good. Pero ngayon ko napagtanto na hindi iyan ang sisira sa pagkatao ko.

Masakit kung sa masakit pero nung tinanggap ko na para naman sa inyong selfish na desisyon, natauhan ako. (buti nalang hindi ako nagpakamatay noong panahon na yun kasi hindi pala talaga worth it)

Pangalawa, hindi nakakasaya, nakakagaan sa loob at nakakakumpleto ang isang bagay na ginawa mo para malugmok ang isang tao. Hindi ako nagpapaka-victim dito dahil alam naman nating may fair share ako ng kamalditahan ko, pero walang nanalo o natalo kaya wag sanang isiping “victory” ang isang bagay na nakapanakit deliberately. Hindi yan ang ikasasaya mo.

Pangatlo, lahat ng tao sa mundo nagkakasakitan kaya tingin ko isa sa mga goals dapat natin sa buhay ay ang makapagpatawaran sa mga taong nanakit satin, sa mga taong nagkaroon tayo ng hindi magandang alaala.

Hindi ko na pinapangarap na makipagusap sila ng maayos o humingi manlang ng tawad sa oras na sinaktan nila ako. Napagtanto ko naman na din na ang universe na ang gagawa ng paraan upang iparamdam sayo kung ano ang pinaramdam mo sa ibang tao. Babalik at babalik din kasi yan eh. Hindi mo ba naisip yun?

Kaya ngayong Oktubre, pinapatawad ko yung mga taong nakapanakit sa akin ng husto. Pinatatawad ko sila kasi tapos ko nang patawarin ang sarili ko.

Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

Letting God

I tell myself the phrase “Let Go and Let God” over and over again in different circumstances almost every day. Every time I tell myself that, I find it hard to really let go and give it all to God. I mean I don’t even understand how it becomes hard. Maybe because we always want to be in control of our lives and when things don’t go as planned, we find it hard to cope?

You see, I am about to embark on a road I have not taken before. The unknown is always scary but how can we be scared already when we don’t know what is it that will come for us, what’s going to get us? Is there a big monster that will bite us in the ass? We don’t know for sure what’s on the path untaken, what’s waiting for us on the other end so I’d like to remind myself these things that maybe, you can remind yourself too and we can move forward from everything?

  1. Fear of the unknown is senseless. We don’t even know what’s going to get us so why are we scared to take a step forward?
  2. Have we forgotten about our intelligence, capabilities and abilities to come through? We’d definitely make it out alive because we should know that WE CAN DO IT. Keep the faith. Trust yourself.
  3. If then that we are faced with failure, it just means another opportunity, another learning curve, a sense of growth. Something we can use to keep ourselves stronger.

If we tried our best and still failed, maybe God has different and better plans for us. So if we think with the mindset that this is an opportunity for growth and if this isn’t what’s for us, then we won’t find it so hard to let go and let God.

Getting Out of That Slump!

The end of February and the start of March were not easy for me. I am in constant battle with myself, struggling to be okay and normal. Maybe I was in social gatherings way too often than I would have wanted so I guess I craved time for myself that detaching and isolation is best for me when things get a little crazy on the inside. I mean I have no problem socializing and if you met me in person, you wouldn’t think I loved being alone. I can also be clingy and needy at times then there would be moments that I am out of the loop, that I don’t exist. It’s me and my energy. And again, detaching and isolating myself do not mean that I don’t like to be part of a group anymore or that I don’t like the company of others. I’m just that kind of person or maybe, I don’t like myself a lot in times when I don’t talk to anyone.

I only ever talk to Kyx and we’d always find our way into arguing about something. Is Mercury in retrograde again or is it just me being me?

If you saw me being all sociable and being present in social gatherings, expect not to hear from me for days or weeks. Normal ko yun.

I just wish I can go back to talking more and writing more. Idk.

Regarding my previous post, the only thing I can think of to just get out of the current slump I am is to do the following:

  • Usually, I get home at around 7:45 in the evening. After tea, I would do Yoga and skincare while watching Scandal.
  • I’d probably inject a chapter or 2 of a book before heading to bed.
  • I’d schedule my watercolour practice on Thursday or Friday nights every week.

I guess this is the first step in moving forward instead of allowing myself to get stuck. What do you think?

Crazy and Emotional

Last Saturday, I got to talk to one of my friends. That friend was part of the circle I left. I asked her what she thinks about the death of Horacio Castillo III and in the middle of our short discussion, I noticed that she hasn’t accepted my friend request on Facebook (the FB I am using now is a new one) so I asked her why, she said something like “Wala na ba yung fb mo dati? Di ko inaccept pa kasi baka lalo pa magkagulo gulo eh, gets mo naman siguro diba” HINDI KO GETS. (“Is your old FB gone for good? I didn;t accept it so as not to make things worse, if you know what I mean”—that’s the closest translation I could come up with lol)

It got me thinking, why do people who are not involved with the whole drama—involve themselves as if they’re part of it all. That person, was one of those who I think didn’t choose sides but, well, I don’t know anymore.

I was going back and forth, thinking if I should discuss any of this with Kyx but I chose not to because I feel like the more I keep talking about it, the more I bring myself despair and a lot of negative vibes to think about. Yet here I am, talking about it. I guess I only ever freely talk here on my blog.

With that incident, I keep thinking about it even if I know it’s not worth my energy, time and mental health. I hate myself for feeling bad about things that I can’t fix, things that I don’t even want to fix.

I’m sorry that you’re reading this crazy and emotional thoughts I’ve had over the weekend on a Monday (or Sunday or whichever day you’re reading this)

Let’s continue moving forward!