A Letter To My Depressed-Self 4 Months Ago

In your 26 years of existence, you didn’t see this coming. You didn’t see that the people you love dearly—whom you have called best friends for many many years, would turn their backs against you. There was this confrontation but you were the only bad guy. No one owned up to their mistakes, no one even saw the bad things they did, they think what they did weren’t comparable to whatever you did. For a time, you will think that you are the worst person in the world but fret not because sooner, you’ll realize everything.

For a long time you carried yourself after that crazy experience ever so heavily. You let yourself be dragged on to this drama and you cried as much as you had to—but surprisingly, tears weren’t shed that long, not much. Not much as you expected.

You didn’t know it yet but you will be stronger. You will find all your broken pieces, even the ones that went missing for a long time. You will patch yourself together without depending on other people. Yes, your family, remaining friends and Kyx were there for you but the only person who can patch you up and piece you back altogether is you and you alone.

Though you think it’s tough, you will eventually be fine. You will be able to move on and be okay. You will forget all the pain and hurt they have caused you. More than that, you will forgive them with all of your heart. You will be able to accept that you have been kicked out of the group you once help build. You will let go of the betrayal and you will stop asking why. Maybe you don’t know how soon but it will be okay, you will be okay.

When your dark clouds left, your days will be brighter and you’ll see the sunshine again even if it was raining. As you see the brightness of the day, you’d realize how much bigger the world is and how small you made it for yourself. Your horizon would be wider and you will realize everything. You will acknowledge the mistakes you did, the darkness you have spread but you will realize how worthy of love and kindness you are. You will stop blaming yourself for everything and you will stand again.

As you are walking towards recovery, you will look depression in the eye and you’ll say ‘fuck off’. You know that it’s still lingering but you’ll realize you’re too blessed to focus on it.

But in those days, the most important thing that happened is the growth. You will learn a lot through this and you will love and appreciate everyone who have stuck with you no matter what. Especially your mom.

Yes you may have done a lot of mistakes, but these mistakes are forgivable ones. Yes you may have cried, but you’ll realize eventually that you’re crying for blessings.

You will be okay. Fine. Better—even. Just trust yourself. No matter what.

 

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In The Process of Losing, We Gain More

In the process of losing, we gain more.

There may be a ton of stuff we lost; love, people, friendship, fun, opportunities and things that we couldn’t hold onto anymore because it’s gone but let’s all agree that in the process of losing all these, we gain more. We gain knowledge, strength, hope and faith, more importantly, we gain self-love and maybe, along the process we get to find ourselves.

During one of the toughest moments in my life (by far), I had to leave the world I created for myself. I had to widen my horizon, I had to lengthen my reach and I had to be tough. In those times when I felt the weakest, those were the times I proved myself that in fact, I am strong. I am stronger than I think, than anyone thinks and I didn’t know it fully, not until I had to write this.

Ever been in the position that you were left hanging? In Filipino, it’s more painful and it’s called “naiwan sa ere”. Have you ever been in that position and you know full well that you—of all people, do not deserve na maiwan sa ere. That was the reality that slapped me so hard I had to face it whether I like it or not.

However, I was surprised that I only ugly cried for a couple of times. I expected to have cried so much more than I did but then, maybe God has other plans for my emotions hahahah. I was telling Kyx that I have no one, I was left behind, I have no one to fight for me, I have no one by my side, everyone and everything is against me and it was so painful. Kyx had to knock some sense in me—he told me that I’ve got everyone I need and that those who chose to leave me behind are not worthy of my tears. It was so painful for me to lose friends I have known for 15 long years, it was painful that I wouldn’t have them from that moment hereon but I realized that losing them made me gain so much more than I ever deserved.

I gained sight of those who are true to me, I became more appreciative of those who stayed with me, I became stronger, I found myself in the process of losing.

Everything I lost, all the confusion, all the betrayal were so worth it because had I not experienced shit like that, I wouldn’t have become the person I am right now. Which to tell you honestly, I love and adore more than the old self I had back then.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we tend to focus more on the losses. Our eyes are fixed on what we used to have and we struggle to move on because we always felt like we need to gain back what we lost but that’s not the thing. That shouldn’t be the thing. What we lost do not matter anymore because that is part of the past, the only thing that’s good about losing and the “past” is the lessons we learned from it.

Let’s not be miserable with what we cannot have back anymore. Let’s move forward and appreciate what we gained during the process of losing.

Go Ahead, Roll Your Eyes On Me

 

Instead of appreciating that I have come forward to apologize, some people find it easier to roll their eyes on me and call me pathetic. I’m not gonna lie, if it was a normal day, I’d probably start ugly crying again. They even use my tears as a sign of weakness and “acting”. To be honest, I am just really soft, sensitive and empathic. Empathic people feel so much if you don’t know by now.

In my apology, in seeking for (unworthy) people’s forgiveness, I get insulted and called names. A good actor, pathetic, lying bitch and the list goes on. I find it really hurtful though it’s really pretty funny for me, it’s sad at the same time. How are you calling yourselves adults and this is what you give?

An apology that gets ignored is pretty okay and understandable. But insults? When are these people going to ever start growing up? I don’t mean to spite but here I am trying to be a better person and then I get these crap? Oh my gosh.

For now, I’ll let you go ahead and roll your eyes on me. Call me names and insult me, but I think it’s better to be better than that. I think lowering to that level will not do me any good.

So if you encounter circumstances like this, don’t take it against yourself. Understand that life works that way. Sooner or later, these people will realize the wrong things they have done. If not, the universe will make them. The universe might even put them in that situation and maybe, they won’t even remember what they did to you but at least the lesson will be there for them to be actually better people. Let them insult you, let them call you names. Those names they call you? It speaks more of them as it does for you as a person. So don’t let it get to your head. Always do what’s right. Do what makes your heart happy and your mind at peace. At the end of the day, your soul will be happier than ever and you are winning in life.

Do I Look That Pathetic?

I was attempting to not write this and exposing the truths about my personal life but it’s not working. I have been trying to write this for the last 15 minutes and with no avail, I can’t filter everything.

(I am still attempting but whatever) About a week ago, I was making amends with a girl who cut me loose in her life. I mean we weren’t that close (for her at least) but I felt bad about all the drama and I feel like:

  1. Life is too short for unnecessary dramas. Come on, there’s more to life than this I’m sure.
  2. We’re all too busy about work, life and everything in between. Why do we waste time brooding over bad blood?
  3. It’s easier to love than to hate. I like myself better when I’m loving than when I’m hateful.
  4. Naturally, I don’t like having a beef with someone. I mean why can’t we all just live a happy and peaceful life?
  5. We might die sooner than we’d like to be so when we’re alive, I think it’s best to just free ourselves from pain and hurt?

So what I did was, I tried to reach out to her. I called her but we didn’t really talk about it because her battery is about to die I think? Then I just sent her a lengthy message apologizing for what happened, for the pain I have caused. I mean I didn’t bother telling her that hey, what you think, it wasn’t true! It wasn’t me! I didn’t do it. But I just really wanted to just get over bad things and I know that even if it wasn’t me, the misunderstanding caused her pain and I’d like to apologize for it.

People think reaching out, apologizing for the things you didn’t even do in the first place and being the one to make the first move is pathetic and delusional. For me, it’s not. I may look THAT pathetic and delusional to you but that for me is a sign of strength and maturity. Above all, that’s a sign of love prevailing in a spiteful world of cruelty and hate.

Frustrations


Don’t let your frustrations drag you down. You deserve more, you deserve better than that. 

– – 

Sharing with you another watercolor painting I did on this rainy Saturday evening.

Concept was originally from Ate Enon De Belen

Paper: Canson watercolor paper (student grade)

Watercolor: Winsor and Newton Cotman 45 pan set

Brushes: Martol brushes no. 1,3 and 5

Was It Worth It?

Forgiveness is not just accepting apologies and giving chances.

Forgiveness is freeing yourself from the cruel burdens, heartache, pain, emotional torture, mental discomfort. Forgiveness is not just something you give out to those who have wronged you, forgiveness is opening your heart to the hurt you felt and accepting that in this life, inflicted pain is inevitable but it’s up to you to unburden yourself.

If you don’t forgive other people for the things they did wrong to you, you are giving yourself more burden than you could carry. You are making yourself suffer when in reality, you don’t deserve that. No one deserves that kind of suffering and the sad part is, you are the one making yourself suffer if you don’t forgive.

There will be times that you’re in a darker spot than ever, you may fill your heart with rage and anger. You condition yourself with trauma and despair but trust yourself that that phase is going to end. You just have to feel these emotions so you can appreciate the fruit of this bitter cause. In those dark days, try to welcome the ability to see the light and forgive both you and other people for all the pain you’re feeling. This isn’t as easy as it seems, it would probably take time but the more that you are willing to throw ill feelings, the more it will be easier to forgive.

Then you’ll ask yourself, was it worth it? Was it worth forgiving those who have wronged you no matter how sick of a person they have been? Of course yes. Forgiving is doing yourself a favour of unburdening the dead weight you’ve been carrying. And that for me is worth it.

It Took All of Me

Let’s just all be brutally honest for once. After my 26th birthday, I was called out for all the bullshit I had said and done 100 years ago and was told off. I was left behind by everyone I stuck up with for more than 10 years and then bahm, I was out.

I didn’t realize until now how strong I have become and how strong I was back then. It took a lot for me emotionally, mentally and physically to stay here. To stay alive. It took me so much energy and pain to be able to stand again.

I thought the world was crumbling down in front of me, I thought I was seriously friendless. I even thought that maybe they’re right, maybe I was such a bad friend, a bad person. But then I realized every good thing that I did, every single time I chose them over a lot of other things, all the times I had sacrificedmyself—simple joys, happiness, food, time, soul, just so I could be with them. For all the times I didn’t enjoy but simply put myself out there because I didn’t wanna miss out, I wanted to be with them. For all the times I didn’t even like myself that much anymore because I felt so drained, I felt really bad for the things I did and said and I didn’t even realize how much it would cost me. Those petty things I did, I didn’t know it would hurt even after 100 years after. But maybe, just maybe, everything needed to happen like that. Everything need to fall apart so I can find all the pieces back.

Everything needed to just breakdown, crumble, torn apart so I can gather all the pieces of me that got lost in the process.

Everything needed to be destroyed so that I can rebuild myself again.

All these things, it took all of me. It took my heart and soul and I can’t say I am whole again. I can’t say I have fully moved on. I can’t say I couldn’t feel bad for everything that happened before because trust me, I do. I still do. I dream about my 2 ex-best friends almost every day. I dream about them being with me, doing the usual stuff that we do. I sometimes still wish we could all go back. But then I have to remind myself time and again, over and over and over and over again that it took all of me just so I could be where I am right now. Just so I could feel what I feel right now.

It took all of me just so I could find myself again.

It took all of me just so I could grow.