The More They Bring You Down, The More You Rise Above

Ever felt like when people try to bring you down, destroy you and make you feel so little. Break you and leave you with so much hurt in your heart, pain in everything, that’s when He actually lifts you up and that’s when you elevate yourself even more?

I was talking to Kyx about how everything that has been painful made me a better person. I mean I’m not saying this because I want to be inspirational. I’m saying this because I have proven this to myself. They say pain makes you stronger and who would have thought that it really is true? I always thought of these clichés as things other people wanted to tell us so we could feel better and less shitty but I was wrong. Maybe it really does make us feel better and less shitty but for the most part, it makes us get up every single time we get knocked down. Only the first fall hurts so much, when you fall again, you’d be so much stronger that you wouldn’t even think of it as a painful fall anymore.

I didn’t know that at the age of 26, I’d still be capable of losing friends whom I have known for 15 long years! It’s even more than half of my life right? Imagine how painful it was for me. I am a very soft person and I cry over the slightest, littlest of things. Imagine how big of a deal it was. I wasn’t like “okay guys, fuck it, I’m over it”. It was more of feeling so terrible, it was even worse than a boyfriend break-up mind you.

But I realized sooner than I expected to do so, how much I have gained after the loss. And that’s what happens when you go so fucking low, instead of sinking, you get to rise above it all. Pain and hurt only a memory and learning. There’s no way but up they said, and that’s what happened.

Whenever people try to put you down and hurt you, the universe conspires to help you in all ways it can. He lifts you up in the most unexpected moments. So the next time people out you through so much pain, be prepared to get over it and rise above.

Fun, Friendship, Realizations

Why do I even want to attempt an anonymous blog when I want to post photos here? Hayy self.

Anyway, I’m sharing with you photos from last Saturday. It was a fun night, a night that we would surely remember. It was not super fancy or eventful but the simplicity of it made an impact that I will remember forever.

Aside from the fun we all have, I realized a lot of things and friendship plays a big part in this.

Remember about 4 months ago, I struggled and the main issue is with my own friends for 15 years? Now, I feel like I am really recovering from the loss and the unnecessary pain I felt.

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Last Saturday, I realized how blessed I am to have friends that will support and love both me and Kyx. We have 6 friends whom I invited to join us for Ramen and surprise Kyx—and they were there. They took some of their time from their busy schedules just so they can make one person happy (two at that because it made me very happy that they wanted to make Kyx happy!)

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Then at Angge’s art show, we—her friends were there. We supported her because we love seeing our friends succeed in their career. I love how I saw Angge contented and happy that night. I know very little of her struggles just so this art show would come out as a success but I know that she went through a hella ton of shit and seeing her smile and goof around like she always does (no matter how crazy life is unfolding in front of her eyes) made me really proud.

I’ve only known Angge for a good 3 years but I have learned that the amount of time does not affect how a friendship would go. Angge is originally Kyx’s friend and I just became her friend because Kyx and I got together hahahaha.

Pero gets? That night, I was happy. I was showered with friends, seeing them smile and seeing them happy made me happy. I still have good friends despite the fact that I’ve lost so many along the way. It doesn’t really matter now because what matters is what I have than what I lost.

Let Them Insult You

Instead of objective criticism, instead of a resolution and finding an improvement to your character from other’s point of view, they use insults to spite you. They use attacks on your character, self-esteem, beliefs, values and life choices.

It’s safe to say that I have my fair share of shit and insults thrown at other people back in the day. Aside from being immature, I was certainly in a bad place. I hate myself, I hate life, I hated everything and so it reflected who I was becoming. I then realized soon enough that it was such a bad thing to live life the way I was doing so I ended up changing my ways, learning through my mistakes and trying to be a better person. You see, there’s no written rule about manners and life. It’s like we just know what’s good and bad and we use our better judgment. So when we get insulted, we see it as something negative.

It’s like we’re automatically triggered and we put our foot down trying to defend ourselves and prove them otherwise. But can you imagine how much energy would go to waste? Imagine the drama and emotional terror you’re putting yourself into? There are certain circumstances that you shouldn’t back down especially if it’s right through the heart kind of attacks (but still, use better judgment okay?)

However, when you find yourself in a situation like this. Although hurtful, try your best to rationalize things first. Try not to question your way of life just yet, think things through and don’t react. As much as possible, just let them insult you. Let them insult you ‘cause why not?

You’re Going To Be Okay

In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.

Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on. 

You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.

Welcome Back!

Welcome back, human. You’re here again and hopefully you’ll stay in your realm of acceptance, understanding and happiness.

You may have probably crawled pitifully your way back but the important thing is that you’re here now, here again.

Life will continue to go on and though you have recovered from an ugly past filled with pain and suffering, it doesn’t mean that you won’t go through shit again. It will still be a mix of fun, laughter, sadness, loneliness and happiness but the thing is, you’re much more experienced now and well—stronger.

This is why you shouldn’t let the pain, hurt and trauma hunt you on your way towards a brighter future. There isn’t a promise of not going through a painful and traumatic experience in life again but more often than not, you would usually let it hunt you down and that’s not what you need to do.

You have to be able to look at each experience with joy in your eyes, you have to be able to put the fear, pain and hurt in your hands and feel it. You have to be able to acknowledge it so that you can easily let it go without fearing the memory of it. Accepting it takes courage and a huge chunk of self-love. These things, the things that caused you pain should be treated as your very own bedrock. The bedrock that you will use for growth. The very ground that you plant yourself in, in order to grow and become a better person.

Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

Self-Love

After my mini drama of not having a group where I belong, I realized a ton of things.

  1. I do have a group that I belong with.
  2. I don’t need to belong just so I could call myself “happy”.
  3. There’s a lot of self-love reminder that I need to keep telling myself. And I should do it on a daily basis if needed.

The most important thing that I realized though, is that I should carry on without thinking and depending so much on the sense of belongingness in cliques and groups.

I should keep myself in tact not for everyone, not for someone else but for me.

Why do we need to feel that we belong when other people deliberately cuts us off in a group that we try to fit into? Why do we feel like a failure when others tend to make us feel out of place? Why do we feel defeated when other people try to tell us that we’ll get invited to this event or out of town thing only to be left hanging at the last minute? Why is it so important to be part of something when in fact you are not even welcome in it?

I’m done feeling bad for myself when I think of all the times I’ve been cut off, left out of place, unwelcomed. I’m done with having mini dramas and a couple of odd melt downs just because I have to deal with this sort of crisis.

I’m done because I realized that most of the time, as people come and go, as the world falls apart, you only got one person left with you and that person is YOU.

Sure you have family and genuine people that will love and support you all the way but that doesn’t mean that you have to keep depending on these people just so you could be happy. There would be times that you will get disappointed because some people wouldn’t be there for you. Not because they don’t feel like it or they just think that you’re unimportant but because some circumstances may not allow. Like what if they’re at work during your time of need? What if they’re sleeping when you were calling? Stuff like that happens and you end up disappointed especially if you are always prepared to be there for everyone in a whim. However, you can’t be sure that you’ll always always a hundred percent that you’ll be there when they need you right?

So here’s a reminder. You have to be there for yourself. You have to love yourself so much that assurance, gratification and approval of other people wouldn’t be at the top of your list when evaluating happiness and sense of belongingness. When no one else believes in you, instead of feeling like a failure, you have to stand up taller than ever because if there’s someone who needs to believe in your strengths and capabilities, that should be you and you yourself alone. And that’s the most important person that you need in order to stay confident, happy and loved.

Stop trying to put other people as the baseline of your success and happiness. Stop trying to feel sad when you feel like you don’t belong anywhere else. As long as you have yourself intact, everything should be okay.