These Were My Thoughts Last Night

After what I have been through with my friendship break up from the people I have known for 15 years, I didn’t know I would welcome other people in my life. I didn’t know I would want to make friends again, I didn’t know I would find happiness without their company.

They were my constants, I allowed them to be my everything. I used to hang out with Kyx’s friends, I hang out with friends from a different circle but my (ex) besties, they were the ones I used to travel with. For all the lonely nights I have had since college, I drank with them. The first out of time I was ever allowed to with no adults involved was with them. My “alcoholic” days, was spent with them. My heartbreaks and different problems, I distracted myself with them—everything I did, everything I went through, I was with them. When they turned their backs against me, when one of our friends took screenshots of all the badmouthing we ever did to each other and when I was the one blamed for everything even if it was a group fault, no one backed me up, everyone was just washing their own hands while I was left apologizing for whatever things I have said and done 100 years ago (they brought up all our unresolved issues way back high school—the purpose of it all, I would never know. I guess that person hated me so much she had to do it the way she did)and when I was left alone, tipong naiwan na ako sa ere, I didn’t expect myself opening up to the world again, healing and trying to make friends.

I didn’t know I would trust again, I didn’t know I would be okay opening myself to relationships after what happened.

Gladly, I wasn’t desperate after that. I didn’t force myself to hang out with other people, I just let myself go with the flow of life. I didn’t have any rebound friends and I resorted to writing and getting to know myself a little more each day. I found myself semi-withdrawing again (I usually do it whether I am happy or sad. It’s normal for me) and wanting a lot of time for myself. I spent days contemplating and working on what needs to be improved within myself. I made myself love myself more.

Like I always say, I realized the true value and meaning of friendship and alongside it, I realized the true value of family and belongingness. I worked on myself, improved my life, stripped off the bad attitude, toxicity and negativity. I found all my missing pieces and placed it back together. The whole drama made me whole again.

Now, I understood why this have to happen. Why I have to lose the best friends I had. I understood that I had to lose them to find myself, because when I was with them, I lost ME. It wasn’t their fault, not entirely. The bad things they have done to me, all the pain they have caused me—they will realize it but of course, not all broken relationships can be put back together. I have forgiven them and now it’s up to them to forgive themselves and forgive me for all their reasons.

I am just glad that I found myself and got to know myself more. I have changed for the better and found friendship through other people I have never knew I’d find. My TFIOB family is what I consider my barkada now even if it is just in the blogosphere.

I still have my constants and I truly love them.

And just to put it out there, friendship isn’t just about hanging out and knowing each other for a long time. Friendship is sticking up for each other no matter what happens, it’s forgiving and understanding each other and loving instead of letting hate interfere.

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Yes and No

One of the things that was hard for me to do before was to say yes when I mean no and say no when I mean yes. However, I realized that aside from affecting other people, it also affects me in a toxic and unhealthy way. So I changed it. Now, I say what I truly mean and I truly mean what I say.

  • When I mean “No” I would really say “NO”. Not because of indifference or to spite other people by disagreeing but because that’s what I honestly want to say. Of course I say it in the nicest way possible.
  • I wouldn’t say “Yes” or agree to do anything or go anywhere when I really wanted to say “No” and then find a chance to make an excuse for bailing out. It’s so stressful. If I can’t and/or don’t want to agree to anything or go anywhere, I won’t say YES just for the heck of it.

It’s as simple as making your life simple by meaning what you say and saying what you mean. You’re making yours and other people’s lives easier and happier.

I just don’t get it why people feel offended when you disagree? Why can’t we all just let each other breathe and agree to disagree? There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you’re being honest and nice. Hayy buhay, I will never get why other people have time to make pabebe.

Sa panahon at edad ko ngayon, wala na akong oras mag-gawa ng excuse at magpabebe. Pag ayaw ko, ayaw ko at sasabihin ko yun. Kapag gusto ko, gusto ko. Wala nang pabebehan. Sayang sa oras, saying sa energy.

I Have Learned To Say No and Stay Firm

I always felt the need to say yes, adjust to other people’s plans and just go with it because I hate having to say no. I feel like there’s less conflict when I just say yes and agree to everything people want me to do. But recently, I felt like I can’t be like this anymore.

This all began when I realized that it’s best to say something about what you truly feel and think rather than letting it float. I wrote about it *HERE* and after that realization, I just went with it.

I guess it’s because all my conflicts within myself are connected and rooted to each other. Like I don’t say no all too often because:

  1. I don’t want other people to think I am not reliable.
  2. I don’t want them to feel like I’m not there for them when they need me.
  3. I don’t want them to feel like I don’t think about their feelings ?

But this time, I let whatever happens, happen. I mean truthfully, those weren’t my intentions whether I say yes or no. Like if I don’t agree about something, it’s not as if I am not agreeing just so I could hurt their feelings and not be with them when they *need* me.

  1. I just grew tired of having to adjust to every single thing everyone wants. They never do that for me and no I am not taking it against them but fuck it.
  2. When I can’t, I can’t. I wouldn’t say yes and force myself to do something that I am not willing to do just because I was trying to avoid conflict. People who want to understand will understand. Those who choose to judge and think about other stuff than what’s real are even more not worthy at all of my time and effort adjusting with their plans and whatnot.
  3. I don’t make excuses now that I am 26. If I say yes I’ll be there, I’ll be there. If I can’t, then I’ll say so and I’ll tell you why.
  4. I have work and I can’t just adjust to whatever people plan to do that’s convenient for them. If convenience is not mutual, then I’m not for it. I also have a life to live and I wouldn’t compromise comfort just because it’s comfortable for you. I’ve done that so many times and I will stop already.
  5. I’m at the point of my life wherein I no longer want to force myself into doing and saying anything that I don’t want to. If I couldn’t do it, then I won’t and let’s not take it personally.

That last part though, I’m still trying to do it—the not taking things personally. Because I for one, can take a lot of things quite personally more often than I should so I shall really try to stop myself from doing it hahahah.

Who Do You Need To Ignore

Kebs and Wapakels (the art of ignoring or not caring at all)

A guide on how you control yourself in caring about unnecessary things aka those that are not worth a second of your time.

  1. Chismoso and Chismosa – a Filipino slang that can be a noun or adjective, but I’ll use it as a noun (depends on how you use it) pertaining to people who always talk about other people’s whereabouts.

These people do not deserve your time and energy. They are also not worth your emotions so before you react when you learn someone is being a chismoso/chismosa, stop and think. Remember that these people are a.)the ones who do not have anything better to do with their lives. b.) uneducated ones that are not taught to stop talking about other people and their whereabouts because it’s none of their business.

What you need to do: Ignore them. There’s no point in confrontation. What they say about you is none of your business.

  1. That Person Who Hates Your Guts – someone who has a bad blood for you. You know that nagging feeling when you know someone doesn’t like you even if you are not doing anything?

These people is not even worth an ounce of your time. Don’t waste your day away thinking about why they don’t like you. Don’t ever think how you can please them. Never. Just do your thing, be a good person, be civil with them if you ever need to be in the same room with them but never ever think of ways on how you can please them. You don’t need to please people, especially the ones who don’t even like you in the first place.

What you need to do: If you suspect that people do not like you for a certain attitude you have and it’s a negative thing, then try to change it. But if there’s nothing wrong talaga, then chill. Sit back and care less for these people.

  1. That Person Who Is Always Rude To You – someone who is always either sarcastic or rude kahit wala na sa lugar.

These people may think of themselves as funny and popular and powerful but rudeness has never been cute nor funny.

What you need to do: tell them to stop being rude. Call their attention. If you don’t want that, you can simply ignore them. Don’t let them get into your nerves, don’t give them attention.

 

Not wasting your time caring about what other people say can really help you live a happy life. All the nega stuff can be so much of a burden and we don’t have room for that anymore. Kebs lang, ignore, ‘wag pansinin.

Don’t Wait For Others To Value You

More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.

I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.

But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.

So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.

Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.

If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.

Allow Me To Rage For A Few Minutes (UPDATED)

Whenever I remember the incident yesterday, my heart still pounds and I feel like I want to just flip a table and curse and scream and shout. But I then, I have to remind myself that if I want a better life, I need to be a better person than I am.

Brace yourselves ‘cause this would probably be a lengthy rant ahahahah.

I write for a company and its products. I do the content, copy for magazines, newspapers and social media content for product endorsers. Yesterday, I came across a rude person saying that there’s a grammatical error in the content we sent. Upon checking, he was saying that “a healthy skin” was incorrect and in the way he said it, he was so spiteful and insulting.

This wasn’t the first time he blurted insults but we just let it pass. However, I’m not the type to drop something off just to avoid arguments and confrontation. I am all for resolutions and I wouldn’t argue in a rude way. I’d probably have my point across especially if it is rightful and needed.

He was saying that the article “a” shouldn’t be used because “skin” is a mass noun. However, according to my professor, a renowned literary writer, journalism professor
“The usage is prevalent in advertising, and the article “a” there modifies the adjective, stressing its singular effect on customers. It’s acceptable in this regard.”

I mean I can let it go, I can actually just change it for his own peace of mind even if I know that I am right. I wouldn’t insist on being right if it means wasting so much energy on petty things but HE INSULTED ME, MY COMPANY, MY BOSS AND ALL THE THINGS I HAVE WORKED HARD FOR.

I am not perfect, though I am a writer, I still have to learn a lot of things. I may have grammatical errors in my blog posts and whatnot but that just goes to show that I am learning! On the technical side of content writing though, I make sure that my work is 100% CORRECT.

So he was saying how stupid of a writer I am, how the hell did I get the part and so on. Instead of being so hurt, I was angry!

How can some people act like this? I mean if you found something that you’re not 100% sure, you can ask in a nice way. You can clarify without insulting other people or putting them down. Why the hell would you bash someone like that?

‘Wag mo akong paandaran ng kayabangan mo. There are 100 ways to say what you just said and you decided to use an insult? How low??

No one, has the right to be like this. To act like this.

-end of rant-

So now, I have to go back to how I could have peace of mind. I have to remind myself that when people insult me, I have to try as hard as I can to brush it off. Because these insults say a lot about who they are as a person more than who I am.

 

*UPDATE*

I forgot to include here what I did after the insult was made.

If I haven’t mentioned it, this wasn’t the first time this same guy insulted my writing. He was insisting that particular grammar rule he “knows”.

The first time, I was so tempted to answer his email and give him a piece of my mind. But then my boss told me to just let it go, after all we both know who is really right and we need not prove it to the people who don’t really matter, right? So even if I was really mad, I took a deep breath and let it go. I revised the content so I could give him his peace of mind but that same day, I had to do more research about this particular grammar rule. I can’t just say I am right. I need to have proof—for my own peace of mind. I also had to send a message to my journalism and creative writing professor, Mr. Joel Toledo (trust me, he is really good. You can google his name LOL) and he explained to me why I was REALLY grammatically correct with the content I created. All good.

Fast forward to about 3 months (Thursday, August 3) I got to be insulted again.

This time I didn’t let it fly by so easily. I composed an email explaining why there are no grammatical errors as opposed to what he was saying. I gave him references, links to websites that he can check pointing to the rules of BASIC grammar. So there you have it. I just sent an email but I didn’t mention how hurt I was and that I was angry hahahaha he didn’t reply though. And I really wanted to end my email with “You’re Welcome”. But I didn’t. But whatever.

You know, sometimes you let things fly by and let people off the hook easily but when it’s too much, you have got to do something about it.

Indifference and Lost Friendship

Due to certain circumstances, precious and important people may be cut loose into your life. Though it’s a painful and sad thing, life works the way it should and we learn from these things.

It is necessary to be left behind. People will need to walk away from you for several reason you probably wouldn’t understand instantly but there’s so much to learn from these things that you get to grow and be a better person.

I have lost so many friends that are precious to me. Some have been my friends for over 15 years! Trust me, it was so painful but it did teach me a lot of life lessons that I now know. I wouldn’t have learned it if it wasn’t for losing people I love, right?

I tried to make up for the things I have done wrong but sadly, those things are not guaranteed to make the cut. That then led me to the realization that indifference and lost friendship will linger for a while until the hands of time can heal all that was wounded and pained from the emotional battles of the past.

I still do not understand why everything went down so hurtful and hateful like that. But I guess I stopped trying to understand. Maybe it was really meant to happen like that.