These Were My Thoughts Last Night

After what I have been through with my friendship break up from the people I have known for 15 years, I didn’t know I would welcome other people in my life. I didn’t know I would want to make friends again, I didn’t know I would find happiness without their company.

They were my constants, I allowed them to be my everything. I used to hang out with Kyx’s friends, I hang out with friends from a different circle but my (ex) besties, they were the ones I used to travel with. For all the lonely nights I have had since college, I drank with them. The first out of time I was ever allowed to with no adults involved was with them. My “alcoholic” days, was spent with them. My heartbreaks and different problems, I distracted myself with them—everything I did, everything I went through, I was with them. When they turned their backs against me, when one of our friends took screenshots of all the badmouthing we ever did to each other and when I was the one blamed for everything even if it was a group fault, no one backed me up, everyone was just washing their own hands while I was left apologizing for whatever things I have said and done 100 years ago (they brought up all our unresolved issues way back high school—the purpose of it all, I would never know. I guess that person hated me so much she had to do it the way she did)and when I was left alone, tipong naiwan na ako sa ere, I didn’t expect myself opening up to the world again, healing and trying to make friends.

I didn’t know I would trust again, I didn’t know I would be okay opening myself to relationships after what happened.

Gladly, I wasn’t desperate after that. I didn’t force myself to hang out with other people, I just let myself go with the flow of life. I didn’t have any rebound friends and I resorted to writing and getting to know myself a little more each day. I found myself semi-withdrawing again (I usually do it whether I am happy or sad. It’s normal for me) and wanting a lot of time for myself. I spent days contemplating and working on what needs to be improved within myself. I made myself love myself more.

Like I always say, I realized the true value and meaning of friendship and alongside it, I realized the true value of family and belongingness. I worked on myself, improved my life, stripped off the bad attitude, toxicity and negativity. I found all my missing pieces and placed it back together. The whole drama made me whole again.

Now, I understood why this have to happen. Why I have to lose the best friends I had. I understood that I had to lose them to find myself, because when I was with them, I lost ME. It wasn’t their fault, not entirely. The bad things they have done to me, all the pain they have caused me—they will realize it but of course, not all broken relationships can be put back together. I have forgiven them and now it’s up to them to forgive themselves and forgive me for all their reasons.

I am just glad that I found myself and got to know myself more. I have changed for the better and found friendship through other people I have never knew I’d find. My TFIOB family is what I consider my barkada now even if it is just in the blogosphere.

I still have my constants and I truly love them.

And just to put it out there, friendship isn’t just about hanging out and knowing each other for a long time. Friendship is sticking up for each other no matter what happens, it’s forgiving and understanding each other and loving instead of letting hate interfere.

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Do I Look That Pathetic?

I was attempting to not write this and exposing the truths about my personal life but it’s not working. I have been trying to write this for the last 15 minutes and with no avail, I can’t filter everything.

(I am still attempting but whatever) About a week ago, I was making amends with a girl who cut me loose in her life. I mean we weren’t that close (for her at least) but I felt bad about all the drama and I feel like:

  1. Life is too short for unnecessary dramas. Come on, there’s more to life than this I’m sure.
  2. We’re all too busy about work, life and everything in between. Why do we waste time brooding over bad blood?
  3. It’s easier to love than to hate. I like myself better when I’m loving than when I’m hateful.
  4. Naturally, I don’t like having a beef with someone. I mean why can’t we all just live a happy and peaceful life?
  5. We might die sooner than we’d like to be so when we’re alive, I think it’s best to just free ourselves from pain and hurt?

So what I did was, I tried to reach out to her. I called her but we didn’t really talk about it because her battery is about to die I think? Then I just sent her a lengthy message apologizing for what happened, for the pain I have caused. I mean I didn’t bother telling her that hey, what you think, it wasn’t true! It wasn’t me! I didn’t do it. But I just really wanted to just get over bad things and I know that even if it wasn’t me, the misunderstanding caused her pain and I’d like to apologize for it.

People think reaching out, apologizing for the things you didn’t even do in the first place and being the one to make the first move is pathetic and delusional. For me, it’s not. I may look THAT pathetic and delusional to you but that for me is a sign of strength and maturity. Above all, that’s a sign of love prevailing in a spiteful world of cruelty and hate.

You’re Going To Be Okay

In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.

Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on. 

You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.