Random Lovey Dovey Things

I used to write Kyx so many love letters on random days of the year and I think I missed doing that because for the most parts of last year, I was too dull and sad and lonely and depressed and a lot of issues are stemming out from me that I wasn’t capable of maybe showing and telling how I feel. A wire has gone messed up last year. So much for my excuses.

Today, I was thinking of how big my love is for that person. I couldn’t contain it inside me, in my heart. There’s so much love and it overflows, it oozes out of me and I can’t hold it in, I can’t hold it back. There’s much too much of it that my mouth hurts from smiling and laughing a lot.

I don’t think I have ever felt this for another person before. And I hope I never have to lose it.

Of course there were times that I would really want to pull Kyx’s hair or strangle him because there’s no perfect relationship haha but nonetheless, I love him so very much it makes me cringe at how cheesy this post have become. Eugh!

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Why #1

A few of the many whys.


While I was partly regretting shopping online at 1 in the morning, I don’t know what happened but I started reflecting, evaluating life in general.

The reality of life is, as we get older, as we get closer to people we love, as we grow more appreciative of the people around us, we also go closer to seeing the end of the line for some. We get to witness the deaths of our loved ones and it’s painful one death after another. Like we never go numb or get tired feeling sick in our stomachs when we are given the burden of witnessing these untimely deaths.

With these deaths, it’s automatic to reminisce the times we spent together with that person. We start wishing that we should have spent more time with them, shared more of our life with them, told them how much we value them, made them feel how much we love them. More often than not, we let go of the grudges we used to have, we forgive them and love them even more, we understand them and we end up accepting their flaws—embracing their shortcomings. It’s like nothing could be wrong about the dead person.

But why do we have to be faced by death and this unfortunate tragedy before we learn to love and forgive? Why do we have to be faced by this loneliness to be able to be reminded of the happy times?

Why do we have to wait for the person to die before we do these things? Why not when that person is still alive?

I guess I’ll never know. I guess death is so tragic that it becomes magical at some point.

It’s almost impossible to remember the ugly and trying times with that person when that person is dead. Usually we would like to remember the departed ones in the happy moments we shared with them diba?

So I will keep praying that I be able to forgive every single person who did me wrong, those who didn’t want anything but harm for me, those who laugh at my tragedies. I will try as best as I could to forgive them while we are still alive. So I wouldn’t burden myself with forgiving just for the heck of it or just because they died but because it is the right thing to do.

The Enemy Who Turned Out To Be My Bestie

There are rare cases when your enemy becomes your best friend and our case is something like that. Well it was inevitable to say the least.

When we were children, he was forced to play with me all the time because I am this annoying brat that wanted a playmate but there were no kids in our area that time so I’d be in my inflatable pool every day bathing with my Barbie dolls and he will be forced to play with my dolls as well. It won’t last long because he will want to annoy me by including his GI Joes in the game and then kill my dolls. I’d end up crying and pool time and doll time will be over. Looking back I think his goal is to make me cry so that my stupid game would finally end. HAHA.

Both he and I will never forget this. We were playing upstairs while mom is fixing dinner. It was a wrestling match, I think I hit him too hard in the head or something which made him do the kaltok. Kinaltukan nya ako ng malakas and it was so painful. I was screaming for mom and he said mom wouldn’t believe me because there won’t be an evidence from the kaltok and so being the brilliant 6 years old that I am, I bit myself in the arm and told my mom that he bit me. HAHAHAHHHAAHAHHA. It wasn’t funny back then but it was NOW. HAHA. He thought I was pure evil and he can’t believe I played him like that. Kids. Hahaha

There were so many instances that we’ll fight about petty things, some were funny to think about now, some were super cringe-y that I don’t even want to remember it anymore. mehehhe. We went through a lot like from my maldita childhood days to the brat angsty teenager. From comedy, drama to horror (remember when we heard footsteps upstairs and you were arrogant enough to yell at the footsteps telling the entity to come down because we were not afraid and then the footsteps from downstairs went to the stairs and we ran outside the house because WHAT THE FUCK? HE REALLY WENT FUCKING DOWNSTAIRS BECAUSE OF YOU)

But as we grew older, we stood by each other a lot. There were so many fights between the two of us but I guess, blood is really thicker than water most of the time. I don’t think I’ll ever love a guy human being as dearly as I love this guy. He is definitely the bestie everyone would wish for.

Pinagtatanggol niya ako sa lahat ng aapi or umaaway sakin. Kahit hindi niya ako bati minsan, basta magsumbong ako sakanya, lagot yung isusumbong ko.

We argue about a lot of things and he’s different from me. He’s so rational, he listens but he makes sure I listen to what he has to say as well. Making me understand how life works and all that crap.

I look up to him so much and he is the reason why I am so inspired to help others. He’s like that—always helping, always sacrificing.

And with that, I am grateful he is alive. Soooo..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST KUYA, ALTHEO!

We used to be enemies and now we’re besties. I love you so much and I pray for your success and more blessings every single day because you deserve it.

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But no matter how much I love you, I will still blackmail you in the future HAHA.

I hope this day makes you feel special and happy. I hope you don’t get stressed out a lot and I hope this isn’t just another working day for you. Pray and thank God you’re alive and blessed with another year, think of your purpose, reflect on the past years of your life and look! See how far you’ve come already!

Be the light that you always are in other people’s life. Continue to inspire us with your patience, understanding and love. You are a blessing to your family and friends and I hope you know that.

People may not be able to say it like that but that’s true. A lot of people can attest to that and I know they’re grateful for your existence.

I love you always, kuya. You’re the best!

Nakalimutan ko sabihin na thank you sa pagluluto mo para samin, paglibre mo, pagbigay ng mga gusto ko bwahaha

P.S. I love your birthday kasi holiday sa Pinas bwahahha!

Love Like Jesus Daw

Putting “love like Jesus” to practice is hard but fulfilling, refreshing even if I am being completely honest.

Sunday, May 27, 2018 at church, we were told about Love being the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That even if we are given the gifts of the Holy Spirit and do not have the fruit, everything goes to waste.

The fruit that they are saying is Love and the indication of Love and the basis of it is to love like Jesus. Like the kindness and the most understanding heart there is in the face of the eart, that’s the kind of love you will need to have within you.

When someone pisses you off, instead of being mean to that person or giving that person the taste of their own medicine, choose to love like Jesus.

When your partner is being extra difficult, choose to love like Jesus.

When we are insulted, scrutinized in the most embarrassing way, instead of dwelling on anger and shame, choose to love like Jesus.

How to do that? See the best in these people, see the good in a bad situation. Choose to see the light. Do not give in to pride, anger, sorrow, pain. Look for the love inside your heart .

Someone in the office is being extra mean to me. Making me feel unworthy, making me feel that somehow, sometimes I am not welcome. This person makes me feel like she is a friend but her meanness would radiate and being an emphatic and an INFJ, I know very well someone’s intentions and feelings towards me. I just don’t do well with confrontations but I know well what they think of me. Now, that person tests me every day—today included. But since learning about how to love like Jesus, I am putting it to practice. I will not give in to the mean acts of this person. I will not feel negatively or feel hurt. All I will do is be the best that I am, and try seeing that person on a different light. You know it’s hard to love like Jesus right? It’s hard when people are extremely brutal, it’s hard when you get bullied, it’s hard when you are so determined to stand up for yourself just this once but come to think of it, it will be easier to just let it go and love instead of harbouring pain, anger and hurt. Mas mahirap magbitbit ng mga bagaheng nakakasakit kaysa sa bitawan ito ng tuluyan.

Practice loving like Jesus and maybe it’s for the better. Maybe you’ll feel better.

Untitled.

Sinusulat ko to sa journal ko. Sobrang personal nito para sa akin kaya hindi ko iniisip i-share sa iba. Kadalasan ng ga spiritual encounters ko, mga about faith, hindi ko siya nakukwento sa blog hindi dahil nahihiya ako or parang ang uncool ng dating. Pero dahil napakapersonal nito para sakin. Parang isa siyang bagay na sobrang special na iniingatan ko. Kaya lang today, feeling ko kailangan koi share sainyo kasi siguro para naman kung may pinagdadaanan kayo, baka makatulong. O kaya naman para sa mga tumutulong na ipagdasal ako, eto yung fruit ng pagdadasal niyo din para sa akin.


Nagchuchurch kami ni Airah sa The Feast Bay Area (AM Session) magmula February. Intense ang feeling ko tuwing worship, lagi akong naiiyak. Namiss ko ito at naisip ko kailan ba ako huling nagworship sa panginoon? Simula ng mawala ang Uber, nahirapan kami ni Airah kasi mula pa kami sa Cainta (borderline, Pasig) tapos sa Pasay pa kami nagchuchurch kaya medyo struggle kami pumunta at umuwi galing doon. Last week, dahil sa mahihirapan kami at may schedule din sa afternoon na pupuntahan naming dalawa, nagdecide kami na sa The Feast Ortigas muna. Okay naman, maayos din naman don. As in okay talaga yung community. Wala namang pinipiling lugar yung pagbibigay praise sa Diyos diba? Kaya masaya pa rin kami. After non, pinagdadasal ko n asana next week sa Bay Area ulit kami makapagchurch. Di ko alam kung dahil dun ba ako nasanay pero iba din kasi yung pakiramdam, iba yung aura haha. Tapos parang yung mga tala, nagaalign para samin kasi saktong may driver kami na makakasama so walang problema sa transpo! So eto na.

Eto na yung talagang ikukwento ko.

The usual. Mass, worship and talk. Ayan ang pagkakasunod sunod. Sa misa palang, iba na yung nararamdaman ko. Fast forward sa worship at sa Talk about the Fruit of the Holy Spirit. Hanggang sa nung nagsasalita na yung worship leader habang may nagwoworship na, nabanggit niya ang mga katagang ito na tumatak talaga sakin at nagpaiyak sakin hahahah “if nawalan ka na ng gana. Magkakaron ka ulit ng gana, like a new beginning from the Holy Spirit. If the fruit of what you’re doing, if you’re working hard to help people—then you must love these people. If you love like that, you are loving like Jesus” parang biglang binigyan ako ng pagasa na I am doing this because I love like Jesus, na para bang navalidate ni God yung pagkatao ko at pahapyaw na sinabi sakin na worthy ako sa pagmamahal at blessings niya. Na parang sinasabi sakin ng Panginoon na a new day will come, a new morning will wake me up from a long slumber of pain and heartache na sinasabi sakin na if I continue to love like Jesus, I will not only be blessed but I will also bless the world.

*sorry sobrang gulo kasi di ko nanaman iniisip yung tinatype ko*

Di ko rin alam kasi kung PMS lang ba to kaya sobrang emotional ko o kaya naman talagang pinaparamdam ng Diyos sakin yung pagmamahal Niya sakin bilang anak Niya.

Ang daming nangyayari sa buhay ko, hinintay ko ng matagal na maimbitahan sa isang interview, hindi pa ito ang success story kasi hindi pa naman ako natatanggap don pero this is enough for me na mabigyan ng ganitong opportunity at tingin ko, God made the way for me. Now all I know is if this is meant to be, it will happen. If this is what’s God’s will is, then this will be for me. Naiiyak ako tuwing sinasabihan ako ni mama at ni Kyx na “ang bilis naman sinagot ang prayers natin” o kaya naman “Woah! Diyos na ang gumagawa ng paraan” alam ko naman na hindi pa ito yun at there is no telling kung makakapasa ako dito, pero the mere fact na pinaramdam sa akin na prayers are listened to and even answered for me and for the people I love, I feel like everything can go wrong but I shall stand firm and strong kasi nagkaroon na ako ng ganitong belief sa panginoon.

I am sounding way tooooo preach-y kaya ayoko din ikwento kasi nagmumukang nagiimpose ako ng belief? Or praning lang ako?

Anyway, ano ba yung gusto kong sabihin? Tingin ko, gusto ko lang sabihin talaga na win or lose man, parang hindi na ako matitinag kasi pinafeel niya sakin yung worth ko eh.

Ang gulo gulo na pero sabog din kasi talaga utak ko ngayon haha gusto ko lang ishare sainyo kahit hindi concise at klaro ang thoughts ko haha. May mapupulot pa rin kayo dito kahit magulo yung pagsusulat ko bwahaha.

I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.

Just Sharing

I love writing about sad love stories back in 2016 until I became sad myself hah.

I find it fascinating, filled with feelings when people are brave enough to dig deeper into their emotions, grieving yet sharing what seems to be the hardest to talk and write about. I don’t like it when people are lonely, sad and depressed but I just really find it fascinating to read something that can tear me into pieces.

Maybe that was empathy talking. Maybe I wanted to comfort those who have been broken. We all have been broken but not everyone had someone to keep them company when they’re down. I want to be that person. Someone who will comfort you when you need me.

After all the sad story fascinations I have had, I found myself being so thankful that Kyx is mine and that we are together because life without him will be crazy sad! I pray that I never get to write a sad love story starring me and Kyx. I want our stories to be hopeful! Some with stress and crazy fights but always with a hopeful happy ending.

So to veer away from the disturbing anxiety that I have formed just writing about this, I’ll share with you something I have never shared to anyone in the blogosphere before. HAHAHA.

Kyx is a funny guy. He is filled with humor and he never gets angry. He’s so understanding and kind. One fine day, we were driving home and I was being a complete rude child. He told me one thing and I didn’t like it so I screamed really loud. It was supposed to be funny but there was a tinge of annoyance and irritation that I have when I started screaming. I was all “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in a really psychotic high pitched tone (because he was being annoying!!) so what he did was, HE OPENED THE FUCKING WINDOW and laughed cause I was forced to shut the hell up. I couldn’t forget that because instead of yelling at me, he dealt with me with humor and I was so ashamed of myself for being a psycho on him.

Wala lang. I just wanted to share that odd story because now, all I hope for are funny and irritating stories of cute couples rather than sad ones!