“Magkaibigan lang kami” Is So Tiring

*this post is mostly written in Tagalog*

I did mention before that Kyx and I started as really good friends.

Everything was so slow for us and when the time came, it all happened at once that I didn’t have time to savor the moments of being in a mutual understanding kind of phase.

We were literally just friends. Like we didn’t have that landian phase? I mean we did but we kind of established it when we started dating. It was all just too quick.

So ganito diba, we don’t talk everyday when we were just friends. Walang harut harutan na nangyari. Then when we accidentally bumped into each other after not seeing him for years doon na nagstart na magusap kami everyday. We texted and talked over Facebook chat araw araw and that same week, we went out. Nanood kami Guardians of the Galaxy and we were just friends pero ano ba, crush ko na kasi talaga sya nung time na yun. But we were just friends eh diba?

After weeks of going out on dates, we sort of established na MU kami, walang ganap na “saan ba ako lulugar?” walang “mafefriendzone kaya ako?” walang ganon. Kasi parang napagkasunduan na namin agad—though we didn’t talk about it, parang naintindihan lang namin parehas na we’re both on the same page. Siguro we were too old for pabebe scenarios. 23 na kami nung time na yun and Kyx never had a girlfriend before. (ako talaga kasi first niya diba bwahaha pilitin ko sya ako na last char) so looking back, I feel like wala siyang time magpacute or pabebe pa kung we like each other or not diba.

Ang dami kong sinasabi, eto na yung part na bakit ko ba sinusulat to.

Yesterday, I told Kyx that I miss being just friends with him so I asked him if we can pretend that we’re just friends. Sinakyan naman niya trip ko. So naguusap kami na kunyari friends lang kami ganyan, baliw lang diba haha. SIguro from 9am to 5pm ganyan kami. But then, I got tired!! Parang the situation is sucking all the energy I have? Parang literal na kapagod eh.

Kaya naisip ko, it is so physically, mentally and emotionally draining to not know where you stand in someone’s life. It’s so hard to impit and hide your emotions, pretending you just want to be friends with someone when in fact, legit na gusto mo talaga siya yung makasama mo forever. I’m thankful that I’m not in that kind of situation pero I feel for those who are in the friendzone. I mean yung hindi pa nafefriendzone pero yung confused na kung saan ba sila lulugar. It’s so hard to be in that position.

Aside from praying for your heart’s desire, gawan mo na ng paraan yan. I mean humanap ka na ng timing na mawala ka sa posisyon na yan. Life is short, hindi habang buhay makakapagpabebe ka. Tsaka ang hirap ng ganyan, nakakapagod literal.

Let Tomorrow Wait

Let tomorrow be the struggle of tomorrow.

Yesterday, Kyx and I are talking about how our future would go. His dad will be retiring soon and most probably, his parents would go to Nueva Ecija and live there for good. Kyx said they might only visit a few times every month. So we’d be left to guard the house, do the chores, pay the bills by ourselves. In short, we’d adult all the way. Because right now, we’re only adulting for ourselves. Or maybe he is adulting only for him and me. I do quite a lot of adulting—I send my sister to school (it is no joke to send someone to school. The tuition fee is insane and it doesn’t end in tuition fees! It has a buttload of allowance, projects and extra shit to pay for and I only get paid so little LOL), I also help pay the bills, I pay the credit card when I use it (I only ever use it when credit cards are the only method of payment available. As much as I can, I use cash in buying or booking stuff) so we only semi-adult ? I think ? But when the time comes that Kyx’s parents leave us, we’d probably be forced to full on adult our way through life.

I can tell that Kyx is a little stressed? I’m not sure but I feel like he’s not taking it as lightly as he should. He’s getting pressured because for the first time, he’d be facing a whole lot of responsibility than he ever did and that’s quite a big deal for him. I suppose. I told him not to worry because when we get to that, we’d probably be okay. We’d sort things out and we’d get through it. We are both responsible working adults so why the stress right?

“We’ll cross the bridge when we get there” is a cliché for a reason. And it’s very simple! Why do we let ourselves go through so much shit for things that already happened or things that are yet to happen? Why do we always stress ourselves so much thinking of things that are not even here yet!? Why do we always have to carry the burden of doubting ourselves and our capabilities—thinking we’re weak shit to even survive the future? It’s lame.

Living in the present requires more than just a mind-set. Living today is having faith in yourself. Trusting in your decisions, choices, intelligence and capabilities. It’s giving your best and knowing that whatever happens, God is there to help you get through shit.

So today, I told Kyx that we can make it. The thing he is worrying about is not yet here so why waste our energy thinking about it.

Recent Hanash

I thought about it and I realized that being a better person is not so much of a burden as I make it to be on most days.

I get a lot of things gathered inside my head until I suffer from too much emotional torture. I keep trying to be better but it’s a bit harder than I expected—until I realized that it shouldn’t be as hard as I’d like it!

How? It’s easy. Stop living your life the way others treat you. The way they talk to you, value you has nothing to do with how you should be. Changing your ways is nice, if it’s changing for the better. But if you find yourself changing just because that’s how you should reciprocate others’ actions, then that’s not good. Plus it makes your life hard!

What am I trying to say? It’s simple.

  1. If other people turn a cold shoulder, you feel like ‘oh yeah? Fine. Then I shall give you the cold treatment too!’ even if you don’t want to, even if that’s not how you are as a person. If someone is cold to you, it doesn’t mean you have to be cold to them (unless you like it like that but in my case) I can never be like that especially for people I truly care about. I mean I can let someone be, if you don’t want to talk to me then I can give you space. But if you come back to your senses and decided to talk to me, then I will talk to you as well. I won’t take the vengeful route of giving you the taste of your own medicine. I can’t be like that. I tried but I’m too soft hahahahaha.
  2. If people are mean to you, doesn’t mean you need to be mean to them too. Like number 1, giving other people the taste of their own medicine doesn’t always work out especially if you’re too kind. You’d end up feeling worse than you already felt so might as well just let them be. But still, be firm. I’m not saying you should let other people trample all over you. Just don’t be like them.
  3. Continue trying to be better even if they criticize you and accuse you of being “fake”. I have my fair share of being accused as “playing the victim”, paawa, pabebe, faking it etc etc but this is how I really am eh! I can’t be too cruel. I have said mean things about other people but I realize my mistakes as soon as I made them! If I say sorry, I mean it. If I say I miss a person, I mean it. You can’t fake emotions, can you?

So I guess I’m past the stage where I wanted them to feel what I felt. I have learned a lot through all of my life experiences but that didn’t make me cruel. All cruel and life changing experiences I went through made me tough but that doesn’t mean I’d have a bitch comeback. I’m glad I took this route and it made me love myself more. I love myself more now than I ever did when I had a lot of friends. Now I realized that as long as I love myself better, I should be okay.

Let Them

You must know that the terrible things that come from their mouths, speaking ill about you, insulting you behind your back or in front of you– speaks so much about who they are as a person and not who you are.

Let them insult you, let them say what they want. At the end of the day it’s just words that may cut, don’t let it cut any deeper though. Let it linger for a moment and swat it like a fly that is good for nothing. Remember, insults and bitter words, attacks towards you as a person will only affect you if you let it. If there’s one person who should know you better, wouldn’t it be yourself? So why would you allow others’ idea of you become you? You know better, you know who you are and that’s one point to stop eating every word they feed you.

Stop believing everything they say about you because it’s not all true. You know yourself, you love yourself so do the best you could to protect yourself. Don’t let them break you with the words they tell you. Don’t let them define who you really are. A mistake you once made does not define your character or who you are as a person.

Let the hurtful words linger for a quick time, take what you need and destroy those words that hurt you.

I used to listen to everything people tell me, both good and bad, I absorb it. I don’t filter it, I embody it and believe it wholeheartedly. My mom needed to knock some sense into me saying “don’t eat the shit they feed you. Stop letting them treat you like trash” and that’s when I realized it all.

Go Ahead, Roll Your Eyes On Me

 

Instead of appreciating that I have come forward to apologize, some people find it easier to roll their eyes on me and call me pathetic. I’m not gonna lie, if it was a normal day, I’d probably start ugly crying again. They even use my tears as a sign of weakness and “acting”. To be honest, I am just really soft, sensitive and empathic. Empathic people feel so much if you don’t know by now.

In my apology, in seeking for (unworthy) people’s forgiveness, I get insulted and called names. A good actor, pathetic, lying bitch and the list goes on. I find it really hurtful though it’s really pretty funny for me, it’s sad at the same time. How are you calling yourselves adults and this is what you give?

An apology that gets ignored is pretty okay and understandable. But insults? When are these people going to ever start growing up? I don’t mean to spite but here I am trying to be a better person and then I get these crap? Oh my gosh.

For now, I’ll let you go ahead and roll your eyes on me. Call me names and insult me, but I think it’s better to be better than that. I think lowering to that level will not do me any good.

So if you encounter circumstances like this, don’t take it against yourself. Understand that life works that way. Sooner or later, these people will realize the wrong things they have done. If not, the universe will make them. The universe might even put them in that situation and maybe, they won’t even remember what they did to you but at least the lesson will be there for them to be actually better people. Let them insult you, let them call you names. Those names they call you? It speaks more of them as it does for you as a person. So don’t let it get to your head. Always do what’s right. Do what makes your heart happy and your mind at peace. At the end of the day, your soul will be happier than ever and you are winning in life.

Today is Kyxarie’s Birthday!

For all of you who have been reading my Kyxarie appreciation posts (not that I do it a lot but hehehe) you must know by now that Kyx was a long-time friend before we finally hit it off right?

I’d like to share with you why I love his birthday as much as I love my own birthday lol. Here’s the message a wrote for him.

Ever wonder why I always bother celebrating your birthday and pulling off a lot of crazy surprises? Why I let myself go the extra mile? Well aside from celebrating your life on earth (which is so important for me, to be honest) I have a different thought of gratitude towards birthdays, our birthdays and yours in general.

Because you know, for 7 long years (prolly the longest years of my life lels joke) your birthday is my sure fire way of an excuse to again, open my lines of communication (because a. I was playing really hard to get and didn’t want to give myself away ever so obviously and b. I didn’t want to give myself away as obviously as I was actually doing lels) It was the best excuse to finally hit you up and greet you “Happy Birthday” then I sort of expect a “how are you” after the birthday greetings and whatnot until such time that I have to wait for my birthday so you can talk to me (you actually use my birthday as an excuse too, right?)

 

Now, that it’s your birthday, I find it funny that it’s not an excuse anymore to talk to you. Finally I get to make up for the lost time (those that we actually wasted for playing hard to get all these years) and we get to celebrate it happily!

Happy 26th Birthday Ddear! Gone are the days that:

 

Me: Happy Birthday, Kyxa!

Kyx: Thank you! San na surprise mo sakin? :3 ❤

Me: hehehehehehehe abangan mo nalang…

Kyx: Musta ka na?

 

And the conversation dies after a good 15 minutes. LELS.

But I guess on your birthday, the gods of Fate were so fed up that 2 days after he let us bumped into each other and the rest is history!

I hope I continue to make you happy for the rest of our lives. Happy happy birthday and I love you so much!

 

As I said before, I didn’t like my own birthday until my mom made me realize that birthdays are blessings because you know, you get to celebrate another gift of life right? (No offense to those who do not celebrate their birthdays)

Forgiveness

 

Whether it is you seeking forgiveness or someone is seeking yours, you have to deal with it with love, patience and understanding. It’s easier said than done given the circumstances but in general, you must know that forgiveness is as strong as love.

Forgiving someone for the wrong things they have done is strength. It goes to show that you are strong enough to admit what you did wrong and that you are all for it than your ego and pride.

Seeking forgiveness from someone whom you have hurt shows that your love is bigger than yourself and it is more important to you to make peace with your enemies than float and gloat in a high boosted by negative emotions.

Whatever you do, seek love and understanding within yourself. No matter how much you dislike the person, no matter how they have wronged you, it is much better to be at peace with them so you can be at peace with yourself.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself as much as you give to those who have wronged you.