Paalam, Teacher Lolo

September 5, 2017

Sa pag gising ko, sinabayan ng langit ang pangit na balitang nalaman ko. Ang lakas ng ulan, nagising ako. Walang kulog, walang kidlat pero rinig na rinig ko ang mga patak ng ulan mula sa langit na parang hinahampas yung bubong naming. Pinilit ko pang matulog pero hindi na yata ako inaantok.

Habang iniisip ko kung safe bang pumasok pa ako sa opisina, chineck ko ang FB ko, at doon tumambad sa akin ang post ng aking professor na patay na ang kanyang ama.

Background story: Kung taga Pasig ka at laking Pasig ka, alam mo ang D’Paul Kiddie Center. Doon ako nag-aral ng kindergarten. Isang buong pamilya sila na nagpapatakbo ng eskwelahan na iyon. Ang founder ay si Mr. Paulino (siyang kaibigang matalik ng aking lolo Eddie Concepcion), ang tawag namin sa kanya ay “Teacher Lolo” habang ang asawa naman niya na si Mrs. Paulino ang Headmistress o Principal na si Teacher Lola. Ang mga anak nila ay ang mga executive, director, admin ng eskwelahan. Tapos nung college ako, naging professor ko si Prosecutor Dinna Paulino, siya ay isang prosecutor at professor sa Media Laws sa Miriam College. Malaki ang respeto ko sakaniya at ayaw kong mapahiya kaya naman puspusan ang pag-aaral ko talaga doon. Ayaw ko kasing isipin niya na palpak ang mga pinroduce nilang bata sa kanilang mumunting paaralan.

Fast forward sa drama ko habang umuulan.

Hindi ko alam kung hormonal lang ba ako ngayon o sadyang malungkot ang mga pangyayari.

Sumakabilang buhay na si Teacher Lolo. Matanda na rin naman siyang talaga. 89 na siya sa pagkakaalam ko at mahina na rin sadya. Pero sa lahat nang iyan, alam kong naging masaya ang kaniyang buhay. Pinaligiran nila ng mga bata ang kanilang buhay, never kong nakitang magalit at manigaw ang mag-asawang si Teacher Lolo at Teacher Lola. Parehas silang masiyahin at mabait.

Ako kasi yung tipong tao na kahit ang tagal na panahon na, naaalala ko pa rin lahat at tinetreasure ko pa rin lahat. Yung mga best friends ko nung kinder, kaibigan ko pa rin sila ngayon kaya baka mamaya, sabay sabay kaming magpunta sa burol ni Teacher Lolo.

Hay ang bilis ng buhay, sana kagaya tayo ni Teacher Lolo na namuhay ng matiwasay, masaya at kuntento. Sigurado akong masaya siya hanggang sa huli niyang hininga.

Paalam Teacher Lolo.

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The More They Bring You Down, The More You Rise Above

Ever felt like when people try to bring you down, destroy you and make you feel so little. Break you and leave you with so much hurt in your heart, pain in everything, that’s when He actually lifts you up and that’s when you elevate yourself even more?

I was talking to Kyx about how everything that has been painful made me a better person. I mean I’m not saying this because I want to be inspirational. I’m saying this because I have proven this to myself. They say pain makes you stronger and who would have thought that it really is true? I always thought of these clichés as things other people wanted to tell us so we could feel better and less shitty but I was wrong. Maybe it really does make us feel better and less shitty but for the most part, it makes us get up every single time we get knocked down. Only the first fall hurts so much, when you fall again, you’d be so much stronger that you wouldn’t even think of it as a painful fall anymore.

I didn’t know that at the age of 26, I’d still be capable of losing friends whom I have known for 15 long years! It’s even more than half of my life right? Imagine how painful it was for me. I am a very soft person and I cry over the slightest, littlest of things. Imagine how big of a deal it was. I wasn’t like “okay guys, fuck it, I’m over it”. It was more of feeling so terrible, it was even worse than a boyfriend break-up mind you.

But I realized sooner than I expected to do so, how much I have gained after the loss. And that’s what happens when you go so fucking low, instead of sinking, you get to rise above it all. Pain and hurt only a memory and learning. There’s no way but up they said, and that’s what happened.

Whenever people try to put you down and hurt you, the universe conspires to help you in all ways it can. He lifts you up in the most unexpected moments. So the next time people out you through so much pain, be prepared to get over it and rise above.

This Is What You Lost

 

The day you turned your backs against me and I tried to accept that fact no matter how hard it was, that’s when you lost me.

I was so darn hurt that I lost a bunch of good people in my life, though I still think of you as good people no matter how shitty things went spiralling down, I have to force myself to not like you guys anymore as much as you dislike me.

The day when everything turned upside down, I didn’t realize it soon enough but that’s that day of my own freedom. I freed myself not from toxic people (as I said, I still think you guys are good people) but from my own toxic self. I left that sad and broken person that I was in the ditch just like what you guys did.

After a long time, after continuously on an up and down flinching, cringe-worthy roller coaster ride, after a bunch of meltdowns and crying I did, I finally realized that I may have lost something but these are what you lost.

You lost that one person willing to listen to your problems, joys and rants on a daily basis. You lost that person who will cheer for you no matter what. The one who will fight for you when all else fails, the one who will be there when no one else would be.

You lost that person willing to take a shit for you.

You lost that person who remembers you day in and day out, the one who will send you sweet and thoughtful messages. The one who will carry out giving you pieces of advice, that one person who will always always go the extra mile.

You lost the one who will listen to all your fears. The one who will surprise you just because she thought of you. The one who will give you random goodies because no matter what the odds may have brought for you guys in the past, she still thinks you deserve kindness from friends. You lost that “sweet” friend you once had.

That person when you messaged “I need u” would reply even if she’s riding a terribly crowded public transportation. The person who empathizes so much she cries when you cry. That one person who believes and cheers you on adult decisions. You lost that friend, among all your friends, who uses so much of her time making picture collages just for your birthday.

You lost that person who was there for you for so long. In crazy times, important times and in times when you just needed someone.

Have you forgotten all of that? Maybe that’s not really the basis of being a “true” friend, but it was ME who have been there most of the time.

You lost that person who was there for you whether you needed a friend or not.

I may have had rocky times with you guys, I may have had rough edges and I may have said and done terrible things but at the end of the day wouldn’t you look back and see that when your other friends weren’t around, who was there for you?

And so, this, that is what you lost. That one friend who you need not call because she was there for a whole lot of time whether you appreciate it or not.

 

Unchained Train of Random Thoughts not to be Stitched Together on Purpose

 

Disclaimer: I have written snippets and bits of what my heart tells me and take the title for it.

It is such a bad idea to replay over and over again in my head every single detail, every crushing statement, every belittling and every soul-eating phrase they told me. But I guess it only made me much more ‘okay’ than I have ever been. Not totally over it, but I’m getting there.

I have written numerous letters and whatnot that I have never given out to these people. Basically pouring my feelings out, noting every crucial emotion I once had from more or less 10 years ago until about the last 4 months of 2017.

There were so many fun things, memorable moments and amazing life experiences I have shared with these people and before, when everything crumbled down, I thought “did it all go down the drain? Just like that?!?” then I found my answer—no. It didn’t go down the drain. Everything is a lesson learned (the hard way) everything is an opportunity for growth, may it be good or bad.

There are a lot of truths and lies in the small world I lived in for the most part. There were definitely details worth remembering, there were some that are better left to be forgotten. However, both the good and bad snippets are to be remembered, no matter how hard it is for me.

For the past 10-15 years, I have made my world smaller and smaller. Rotating around those whom I chose to be with. I thought it was better and I thought it’s all good. Little did I know that I was moving towards crisis, catastrophe and self-destruction. It was only made worst by the exact thing that happened to me but I figured it was also for the best.

I can’t say that these people were worthless pieces of shits because at one point, I have admired and loved them. I lamented on their loss, their absence. I couldn’t fill the void for a long time and I cried every single time I had the chance. I don’t say much but I still cry about it. I have invested so much but it was destroyed in a whim and that says a lot about friendship and relationship and life!

For a long time I questioned everything they did, everything that was said to me, every action, everything! But the saddest thing was when I started to I question my worth. Why did it have to happen to me? Am I not worthy of goodness, love and friendship? A simple thing that was blown out of proportion has cost me so much and what happened to them? They were all too happy to have kicked me out. No one tried to reach out to me and helped me make amends. Or maybe this is all just too broken to be fixed? Nonetheless, I keep questioning myself and my worth but it got me nowhere near happiness. It dragged me to a hellhole I didn’t intend to visit.

Next thing I knew, I was tallying all the moments I was a good friend to them. I was putting into account all the moments wherein I spent my own bit of personal time just to listen to their woes. I was quantifying everything I did that no one else did for them but what good did it do me? It just made me succumb to anger, grief and loneliness. Then it hit me. I was right! I once was a good friend, great even. Best!

All these time I thought I was doing a lot of people a favour but it blew out of my face. That’s the craziest thing of it all. My intentions were not what they thought and it all lead to me—being the bad guy. But what’s done is done.

Overall, my emotions are all over the place. I keep getting angry but I keep realizing the lessons I have learned and I should really thank them for this. I have been put through so much it was draining but it is an inevitable lesson I should learn—planned by the universe itself! I lost all the investments. Emotionally, mentally, physically, money-wise, relationship-wise. EVERY SINGLE THING. Or that’s how I felt for a time but it all changed after realizing that there are many things I should be grateful for. Especially my family. All the friends I still have. All the career opportunity I have missed because I was too worried to not be with them. I have all the time I can get– to be spent on more amazing things than cry and that’s a good realization I could take by heart.

There are more to this life than the boxed version I once had. There’s more to this life than what I thought I had.

There’s more and I just have to take one step at a time to get closer to my goal.

I have lost so much but I gained tenfold. If they think I am a worthless piece of shit, I trust that they will realize somehow that I’ve been a friend as well when no one else was there for them.

Rest In Peace

Hola beautiful humans!

Let me write about a lot of stuff and hopefully, I finish this on time. Before I write about the good stuff, let’s talk about the other stuff that makes us all human—pain, hurt and loss.

Just last week, 2 close relatives died. 1 was my uncle—a cousin of my mom whom she was really close with and the 2nd one, the grandfather of my brothers (so it’s up to you how you patch the story as to why he is the grandfather of my brothers but not mine)

I wasn’t very close to these 2 people but my loved ones are and it breaks my heart all the same because I see them hurt, I see them how troubled they were when they lost the people very dearly to them. After the 2 deaths in our family, I got so obsessed with deaths and saying goodbye. It’s hard not to think about when your time on earth is up, whether you will be able to say goodbye or you’ll be gone in just a snap. I guess, we’ll never know.

We’ll never truly know if there is such a thing as afterlife, or if we all get reincarnated until we find our lives’ purpose. It’s so hard because we all get so attached to who we are but come to think of it, we won’t get to bring anything when we die. Who knows if we’ll have memories, who knows what will happen in the afterlife.

It’s so scary just thinking about these stuff but I guess we can only do so much. (and this may be different from what you believe in so this is just my own thinking okay?)

  1. Pray – in times like this, prayer is our strength. Our only power in helpless moments. I am a catholic and I pray ever so hard that God gives me more time on earth because I want to give more of me to the people I love. I want to be given a dozen or hundreds of chances to love them more and to make up for my mistakes and bad decisions.
  2. Smile – we wouldn’t know when will be the last time that we will be able to smile so as much as we can, we shall give our smiles because that’s considered a gesture of kindness. When people see kind gestures, they get inspired to do a simple one as well so start with smiles and spread positive vibes!
  3. Love – Loving the people around us especially the ones who love us as well. It is fulfilling to know that you lived and loved when you can, even if it hurt, even if it was painful.

I don’t know how else to finish this entry (because I’ve got a ton of stuff to do at work) so I guess even if my thoughts are jumbled and my emotions are beyond crazy, I hope ya’ll understand my point.

Rest in Peace Tito Larry and Lolo Charlie. ❤