Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

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Are You A Ticking Time Bomb?

What to do when you are not happy but you can’t pinpoint the reason why you’re sad?

Have you ever felt like a ticking time bomb and you didn’t even know you are one until the point that you are just about to explode? I don’t know exactly why some of us are like that (I am included) but maybe there are a lot of factors like your environment, your background, how you were raised, your personality and the list goes on. So I can’t speak in general but I’d speak openly about myself and my own experiences.

If we are not in a social kind of setting (a party, a meet-up, a getaway, outing, gathering, reunions etc.) I normally am quiet, reserved, shy. I don’t look approachable either. I have this focused look on my face when I’m writing or reading, I don’t look at people, I don’t listen to what they’re saying unless they’re talking to me. I keep to myself a lot hence the twitter account (I speak the things I can’t say out loud on twitter so deal with it haha)

Over the past year, I have developed into having a friendlier face (still not friendly enough) but people still wonder if I’m mad, angry or going through something. I like to think a lot and I don’t say things outright. Delayed reaction ako lagi mga besh. I don’t comment or react instantly but when the situation sinks in, you’re in for a ride.

So in a nutshell, I keep to myself, I’m quiet and I don’t talk if I don’t have to but there are a lot of things going on in my head that once triggered, it’s either I’ll throw a fit, shut you out of my life or worst—give in to panic and anxiety. You see if you’re like me, a lot of emotions and feelings get bottled up inside so when I get upset, I don’t even know what exactly upsets me simply because I didn’t react right away or I didn’t deal with it the moment it happened. I have the tendency to shove it at the back of my head only to pop up right when my emotions are about to explode.

Now, here’s what I do to deal with things like this.

  1. Take a step back and listen to yourself. Talk yourself out to handling your emotions well by practicing to feel what needs to be felt at a given moment.
  2. If you feel like crying, cry it out. You don’t always need to understand why because it will only mess you up a little more.
  3. Once you’re calmer, try to analyse and understand yourself as to why you felt like crying or why are you upset. Evaluate what triggered you and what your actions should have been at that time.
  4. Take your time, being okay will not happen even if you already want to be okay.
  5. Get yo ass on to the mat and do yoga! (or meditate, do anything that helps relax your mind)

Last week I was so stressed out that I ate so many cookies and did yoga. I have to pay for the calories now so I’d go boxing but now I can’t because I spent so much on skin care again. Now I think I have to look for a new coping mechanism hahaha. This cookie and online shopping thing is bad. So bad. Hahaha

Plastic (?)

Isa sa mga bagay na we fail to do is maappreciate ang maayos na confrontation. Hindi ko alam kung sa culture ba nating mga Pilipino ito o sadyang ganon lang talaga ang nakararaming taong nakakasalamuha ko. Takot sa confrontation kaya naman nagiging plastic nalang.

I’ve been there, done that. Pero sa totoo lang, mas mahirap maging plastic. Isang skill yun na hinihinang. Talent kung tutuusin. Kasi hindi lahat ng tao kaya yun gawin. Sinubukan kong gawin yun noon pero hindi ko kinaya. Kaya kung ikaw, plastic ka, ang galing mo. Hanga ako sayo hahahaha seryoso.

Kung meron tayong kaibigan, merong pinagsamahan, mahalagang tao ito at importante sa buhay mo mas maganda sigurong kapag may nagawa siyang mali ay kausapin mo. Sabihin mo kung ano ang mga bagay na pwede niyang iimprove. Sabihin mo kung ano ang nararamdaman mo in a nice way, yung hindi pasugod at hindi paaway effect. Yung civilized kang nilalang. Wag kang wild.

Dahil ako, naniniwala ako sa confrontation na healthy. Mas naaappreciate ko ang maayos na confrontation dahil pinapakita mo dito na gusto mong maging maayos ang relasyon niyo. Pinapakita mo sa isang tao na gusto mong maintindihan ang mga kilos niya at sinasabi niya, gusto mong ipaalam na may nararamdaman kang hindi maganda o nasasaktan ka. Kasi ibig sabihin may pagpapahalaga ka sa relasyon mo, may pake ka.

Kung bakit nga ba mas pinipili nalang maging plastic eh mas mahirap yun kaysa makipagusap ng maayos?

Siguro hindi madali ang confrontation, minsan nakakakaba o nakakatakot pero kung iisipin mong mabuti, walang mawawala sa iyo lalo na kung para sa makakabuti ang gagawin mo.Tsaka like I said, mahirap talaga ang pakikipagplastikan. Sobrang nakakadrain ng energy yan. Isipin mo yung tinitiis mo makipagngitian at makipagusap sa taong may ill feelings ka naman? Diba?

Wag nating payabungin at hinangin ang kaplastikan. Hindi siya healthy mga beshies. Tigilan natin haha

“Walang Reason, Ayaw Ko Lang Talaga Sakanya”

“Di ko nga alam kung bakit ayaw ko sakanya eh. Di ko alam kung bakit ako naiinis. Naiinis at ayaw ko sakanya talaga for no reason at all! Di ko talaga alam kung bakit”

Hahahahahahahahahaha walang ganyan. Hindi yan nageexist. Luko loko ka ba?

May reason pero hindi ka lang handang aminin maski sa sarili mo kung ano yung reason na yun. Kadalasan ang root cause niyan kasi ay hindi mo matanggap kaya nagkakasya ka nalang sa “walang dahilan, di ko alam ang dahilan” excuses.

Reason #1: Inggit

Maaaring naiinis ka kasi may mga bagay na meron siya na wala ka. May mga kaibigan siya na gusto mong maging kaibigan, may mga tao sa buhay niya na gusto mong magkaroon din ng ganoong klaseng tao pero tingin mo, wala ka.

Reason #2: Insecurity

Insecure ka sa mga bagay na kaya niyang gawin. Sa kung paano niya nadadala ang sarili niya. Sa kung paano ang suot niyang damit at sapatos ay bagay sakanya at sayo, tingin mo hindi. Naiintimidate ka sa kung papaano siya magsalita at kumilos.

Reason #3: Pagsasalita

Minsan may paraan siya ng pagsasalita na hindi mo nagugustuhan. Maarte, slang, may accent, malakas ang boses, mahina, mahinhin. Hindi mo gusto, hindi pumapalakpak ang tenga mo.

Reason #4: Pananamit

Hindi mo bet kung ano ang suot niya. Pakiramdam mo papansin. Baka masyadong loud o kaya naman ay lousy. Hindi mo trip yung style.

Reason #5: Mga Kasama o Kaibigan Niya

Meron siyang mga kaibigan o taong laging kasama na hindi mo gusto kaya naman hindi mo na rin siya gusto. Kumbaga damay damay na ‘to.

Laging may rason. Hindi pupwedeng wala. Wala man sa mga choices ko na inilatag, paniguradong meron kang rason. Ano ka sira ulo para mainis ng walang dahilan? Hindi ganon. Kaya bullshit yang mga “walang rason. Di ko alam kung bakit” kasi kung iisipin mong mabuti, mayroon yang dahilan. May rason kung bakit umaayaw ka sa isang tao, may nagagawa siya na ayaw mo. May kinikilos siya na ayaw mo. May something. Ngayon kung hindi mo mapin point kung ano yung something na yun, bigyan mo ng oras at panahon yung sarili mong isipin yun. Alam mo kung bakit?

  • Sayang sa energy yung may ayaw kang tao. Lalo na kung wala namang ginagawa sayong masama. Kung tuwing nakikita mo siya ay naiinis ka, tuwing naririnig mo ang boses niya nabubwisit ka—ikaw ang talo dahil ikaw tong nakakaramdam ng negative na emotion eh.
  • Kung ang ginagawa niya ay negative at tingin mong hindi tama, sabihin mo para magawan niya ng paraan. Kung hindi niya naman aayusin, hindi mo na kasalanan yon.
  • Maiksi ang buhay para magfocus sa negative energies na dala ng walang kwenta mong excuses kagaya ng “di ko alam kung bakit pero naiinis ako sakanya” diba? Mukang ewan.

Tapos isipin mo din ito:

  • Natutuwa ba naman siya sayo?
  • Nabubuhay ba siya para i-please ang isang kagaya mo?
  • Tama lang ba yang attitude mong naiinis ka pero wala naman sa lugar?

At higit sa lahat, Ikaw ba gusto ka niya? (hahahahaha taena lakas mo maka-ayaw hahaha)

Mahirap talagang maging tao pero hassle na nga ang buhay ngayon dadagdagan mo pa? Eh kung maging mabait ka nalang kaya? Napakaselfish kasi ng attitude na naiinis ka sa ibang tao without even thinking kung ikaw ba ay nakakainis ka rin ba? Kasi diba, kung nagiisip ka ng maayos, kung matino ka at mabait ka, diba considerate ka? Hindi mo isusubject ang isang tao sa sarili mong criteria kasi hindi sayo lang umiikot ang mundo. Hindi ikaw ang laging iintindihin at uunawain. Hindi ikaw ang laging pakikibagayan.

Sana tayo bilang tao, may ganyan tayong mindset. Hindi yung basta na lang pabugso bugso ang actions natin nang walang concrete na dahilan. Kasi sa totoo lang kung hindi man ito nakakaapekto sa taong kinaiinisan mo, let’s say wala naman siyang pake (kagaya kunyari ng mga taong parang si Kyx na may bahala kayo diyan attitude) pero kasi may impact ito sa iyo. Sa mental health mo, emotional health mo pati na rin sa social skills mo diba?

Go and Take Risks, Althea!

I don’t know if this is just me giving myself the signs I am asking for or God or the universe truly wants to talk to me and encourage me in every step that I will take from this day forward.

Let me tell you what happened after my 2-day experience. I will not say anything specific about the “experience” itself and only a few knows about it so let’s wait to hear the good news before the details okay? Anywaaaaay, my 2-day experience were both exciting and HARD. To say the least, I got so tired that when I went home after the 2nd day, I cried so hard and both Kyx and I didn’t know what to do with myself! I was crying so hard endlessly, ugly crying, kinakatay na baka crying, namatayan kind of crying. It was super loud that if someone else heard me they’d think I lost someone and was in extreme shock. Seryosong you won’t imagine my crying face because it is the hardest I have ever cried in a long time. I mean I do cry on a regular basis (because that’s just me as a person) but this sort of crying was very different. Very. Very. Different. It’s far more worse than the crying face I had when my (ex) friends broke my heart!

So after crying, I prayed and cried again some more. Feeding myself with doubt while ignoring how painful my cramp-y legs and feet are. I told myself that I might not be capable of this and that. That maybe, just maybe I overestimated myself. That I am not good enough for this et cetera.

I was thinking to myself how scary (shit) this might be and this is all new to me and maybe I am not capable of growth. Basically, I am scared. Hella scared if I am being completely honest. It’s not me to just dive right in but that’s exactly what I am about to do and even if the finish line is not yet within my reach (wala pang schedule for the final process) I think I’m about to immerse myself into something I have not tried before and that is scaring me!

I fell asleep with cramps and tears still in my eyes then when I woke up, I prayed again and asked the Lord if he thinks I am good for this and that I can be what I think I could be. Well, he didn’t answer right away but I kept thinking to myself that He wouldn’t have let me go this far if I am not good enough for it anyway. I think our conversation would go something like this:

Me: God, am I good enough for this? Lord God, would I be able to get through this in all my days?

God: What do you think?

So I went on with my day and let the other days passed without getting super anxious and stressed about it. Then just now, I came across a quote saying “Always go with the choice that scares you the most because that is the one that’s going to help you grow”

If this isn’t God’s way of telling me that I can do it and that it is what’s in store for me, then I don’t know what is.

I hope I don’t jinx it and right now I am definitely hoping I get the part. So please pray with and for me my dear friends.

P.S. I still can’t get over the fact that I was heavily crying, intensely crying. More than diamond star, mega star, star of all seasons kind of crying!! Guys!!!!

Love Like Jesus Daw

Putting “love like Jesus” to practice is hard but fulfilling, refreshing even if I am being completely honest.

Sunday, May 27, 2018 at church, we were told about Love being the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That even if we are given the gifts of the Holy Spirit and do not have the fruit, everything goes to waste.

The fruit that they are saying is Love and the indication of Love and the basis of it is to love like Jesus. Like the kindness and the most understanding heart there is in the face of the eart, that’s the kind of love you will need to have within you.

When someone pisses you off, instead of being mean to that person or giving that person the taste of their own medicine, choose to love like Jesus.

When your partner is being extra difficult, choose to love like Jesus.

When we are insulted, scrutinized in the most embarrassing way, instead of dwelling on anger and shame, choose to love like Jesus.

How to do that? See the best in these people, see the good in a bad situation. Choose to see the light. Do not give in to pride, anger, sorrow, pain. Look for the love inside your heart .

Someone in the office is being extra mean to me. Making me feel unworthy, making me feel that somehow, sometimes I am not welcome. This person makes me feel like she is a friend but her meanness would radiate and being an emphatic and an INFJ, I know very well someone’s intentions and feelings towards me. I just don’t do well with confrontations but I know well what they think of me. Now, that person tests me every day—today included. But since learning about how to love like Jesus, I am putting it to practice. I will not give in to the mean acts of this person. I will not feel negatively or feel hurt. All I will do is be the best that I am, and try seeing that person on a different light. You know it’s hard to love like Jesus right? It’s hard when people are extremely brutal, it’s hard when you get bullied, it’s hard when you are so determined to stand up for yourself just this once but come to think of it, it will be easier to just let it go and love instead of harbouring pain, anger and hurt. Mas mahirap magbitbit ng mga bagaheng nakakasakit kaysa sa bitawan ito ng tuluyan.

Practice loving like Jesus and maybe it’s for the better. Maybe you’ll feel better.

Last Night’s Thoughts

I talked to God last night and told him how finally, I saw things differently. I told him that he kept showing me what’s up but I kept looking for something that wasn’t there. He kept reminding me of my blessings and what I have yet I kept looking at what I lost. I wanted it all didn’t I? That’s why I wasn’t looking at what he was actually showing me.

Today, I was hit with the reality that the people who are with me right now is enough. What was lost is lost and all I could do is move forward and appreciate the ones I still have. Grabe ang blessings pala ni Lord na hindi ko masyadong pinapansin.

Last night I told him that I am acknowledging my mistake of looking past the blessings. I told Him that I was too caught up, too busy getting sad over silly things. Hay naman oo.

Thank you for all your prayers friends. Kailangan siguro talaga natin ng mga taong nagdadasal para sa atin and kailangan din tayo ng ibang tao na magdasal para sakanila.

Today, I am happy again. Yay!