Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!
My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)
I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.
Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?
When it comes to healing, moving on and letting go
Why do we need closure, why do we seek and crave for it? And why, despite knowing that this is probably common and needed, people do not give it to you?
Why do we need to hear whether we are forgiven or not, why do we need to be put into place? Why do we need to know these things?
Why despite the chances of hearing and knowing the bad things they have to say, we still want to hear it anyway?
Someone tell me. Seriously. I need to be enlightened.
I don’t know but the purpose of my hard drive has been changed accidentally. My brother initially gave it to me so I can store movies and series and everything I want without worrying about the little space my small laptop could offer. Now, my hard drive is being used to store the junk that I couldn’t delete yet I choose to save for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.
I am looking for excuses as to why the photos and videos of me and my ex best friends are kept and stored safely on my hard drive when in all honesty, there’s no reason for it at all. When everything turned sour and bad and I was left to rot, there’s no turning back. I know for a fact that no one wants to go back there, in that hellhole of a shitty place. Not even the shittiest person would choose to go back there yet I still choose to keep the memories, the stuff left behind, the ones left for me.
Half of the space used up are because photos and videos and random selfies we took from days when we had solid fun. I don’t think it makes me happy or sad just by looking at it but I keep wondering why is it still there.
A friendship breakup is harder than a couple break-up. Or is it just me? Well, every broken relationship is sick and sad but this, this is crazier than all other break ups because in friendship, no one expects or preempts a break up. Maybe that’s why it is harder.
My hard drive still sits beside me while I’m typing this and I still can’t find it within me to delete everything. Trust me, it’s not like I look at everything and cry. Maybe sooner or later I’ll be able to delete it but until that day arrives, I don’t know what to do with it.
Most of the photos were from adventures we took! Places we visited, restaurants we tried. In those pictures and videos, we looked so happy. We looked unbreakable. But not everything is what it seems to be.
Hindi lahat ng masayang tignan ay masaya talaga. I hate you sometimes, Memories. Nakakagulo ka ng damdamin at isipan. Pakshet.
Lately I have been thinking of how I can start my life anew. Like start on a clean slate.
I started to think about the old friends I used to have and how my life turned upside down. I started my forgiveness since the day I have finally understood that nope, there’s no going back. But forgiveness is a tricky thing and for the first time in a long time, I don’t blame myself for it.
I have pictured and made myself believe that I am walking forward, toward a new life but in reality I was trying to walk forward while turning for over a couple of dozens of times only to realize that there’s no need for me to look back.
Part of my being is keeping memories close to my heart. I can remember even the smallest of details from 20 years ago and it still plays very vividly on my mind as if it was just yesterday. So the problem with letting go of people is the memories I had back with them. I don’t think I was ever prepared that what I have held on for so long—the memories, are made to be forcibly forgotten.
How in the world will I ever forget these when I don’t even intend to remember it anymore? How will I do that?
I got a simple answer care of myself as usual. That’s when forgiveness enters and I must understand its meaning, value and what it entails.
When I forgive these people, I can move forward without hesitations, without looking back and regretting every step I took forward.
There are people I have cut out from my life and there are people who did just that to me. Now, in the midst of trying to let everything go and move on from where I am, I couldn’t help but think how some people can simply cut you off without having closure? But I guess that’s how the cope with things.
I just hope that I can leave everything behind and only look back from time to time without hurting myself on the thought of retracing memories. I just. I just really want to let myself go.
Last Saturday, I got to talk to one of my friends. That friend was part of the circle I left. I asked her what she thinks about the death of Horacio Castillo III and in the middle of our short discussion, I noticed that she hasn’t accepted my friend request on Facebook (the FB I am using now is a new one) so I asked her why, she said something like “Wala na ba yung fb mo dati? Di ko inaccept pa kasi baka lalo pa magkagulo gulo eh, gets mo naman siguro diba” HINDI KO GETS. (“Is your old FB gone for good? I didn;t accept it so as not to make things worse, if you know what I mean”—that’s the closest translation I could come up with lol)
It got me thinking, why do people who are not involved with the whole drama—involve themselves as if they’re part of it all. That person, was one of those who I think didn’t choose sides but, well, I don’t know anymore.
I was going back and forth, thinking if I should discuss any of this with Kyx but I chose not to because I feel like the more I keep talking about it, the more I bring myself despair and a lot of negative vibes to think about. Yet here I am, talking about it. I guess I only ever freely talk here on my blog.
With that incident, I keep thinking about it even if I know it’s not worth my energy, time and mental health. I hate myself for feeling bad about things that I can’t fix, things that I don’t even want to fix.
I’m sorry that you’re reading this crazy and emotional thoughts I’ve had over the weekend on a Monday (or Sunday or whichever day you’re reading this)
Let’s continue moving forward!
Just now, when I woke up, I realized that hey, no, I don’t deserve that kind of cruelty! And no one actually deserves it to be honest.
When I was still so confused, I felt and thought that maybe I deserved all the shit. I deserved to be shamed like that, I deserved that my best friends pitted on me. It was hard for me to process everything especially that my mind was too clouded and I ate all the shit they served me. My first instinct when confronted with the bad stuff I did or with the bad things I have said a hundred years ago was to apologize because well, I did say bad stuff and I may have added fuel to the fire for one time too many and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t alone. I was with people talking behind another person. Looking back, it’s both funny and sad.
Not because I still long for them, hell no. The fact that I thought I actually deserved it was sad and funny because no one was kind enough in that group to tell me and the others that it wasn’t a one man’s fault. HAH!
I stand today, knowing in my heart that I did not deserve it. No one deserves that kind of mental and emotional trauma these “friends” have put me through.
Good riddance and I hope this doesn’t happen to you or you won’t do anything like this anymore.
* *If you are one of those who did this to me and you’re reading this, don’t get mad. People do not know who you are. 😉 I didn’t name drop.
More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.
I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.
But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.
So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.
Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.
If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.