Of Letting Go (cycle 100 hahaha)

More than a year ago, I forced myself to create a new world for me. A place where I will be at peace with myself, a place where I am in control of who I let inside my heart and my life. It was so difficult at first. Mahirap matalikuran and at the same time, talikuran ang mga taong naging parte ng buhay mo for 15 years. It wasn’t an easy choice but a choice I have to make, a choice I have to do for myself. A choice that will help me move on and heal. And it was the only choice so I have to make do of it or I’ll let myself sink.

At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to live with it, that I will be lonely and sad all through my days because I am so used to having these people in my life despite everything but look at me now, I am still so full of life! I am alive and definitely happier?! I never have imagined myself being so grateful about this.

I’d have to say that reminiscing never helped me. It still makes me a bit sad that things took a different turn. I would always think to myself that I could have done things differently but it won’t be of any use now would it?

I’ve learned so much about friendship and relationships. How to treasure people and how to love even more.

I’ve learned so much about myself. I saw what I was doing wrong and I rectified it. I redeemed myself through these heart breaking experiences and that made me a better person!

Yesterday I was seriously feeling triumphant that I survived a year without these people. Not that I don’t miss them now. I can’t say anymore that hindi ko na sila namimiss or naaalala because deep down inside, I still do and I’m not afraid to admit it, not even to myself. I just feel really good na kinakaya ko and kaya ko pala talaga.

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Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

Why #1

A few of the many whys.


While I was partly regretting shopping online at 1 in the morning, I don’t know what happened but I started reflecting, evaluating life in general.

The reality of life is, as we get older, as we get closer to people we love, as we grow more appreciative of the people around us, we also go closer to seeing the end of the line for some. We get to witness the deaths of our loved ones and it’s painful one death after another. Like we never go numb or get tired feeling sick in our stomachs when we are given the burden of witnessing these untimely deaths.

With these deaths, it’s automatic to reminisce the times we spent together with that person. We start wishing that we should have spent more time with them, shared more of our life with them, told them how much we value them, made them feel how much we love them. More often than not, we let go of the grudges we used to have, we forgive them and love them even more, we understand them and we end up accepting their flaws—embracing their shortcomings. It’s like nothing could be wrong about the dead person.

But why do we have to be faced by death and this unfortunate tragedy before we learn to love and forgive? Why do we have to be faced by this loneliness to be able to be reminded of the happy times?

Why do we have to wait for the person to die before we do these things? Why not when that person is still alive?

I guess I’ll never know. I guess death is so tragic that it becomes magical at some point.

It’s almost impossible to remember the ugly and trying times with that person when that person is dead. Usually we would like to remember the departed ones in the happy moments we shared with them diba?

So I will keep praying that I be able to forgive every single person who did me wrong, those who didn’t want anything but harm for me, those who laugh at my tragedies. I will try as best as I could to forgive them while we are still alive. So I wouldn’t burden myself with forgiving just for the heck of it or just because they died but because it is the right thing to do.

Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.

Blessed Month!

I am still surprised that May is over already.

Towards the end of every months, I’d always say “thank God it’s over!” or “Finally!!” but I liked May. I think May liked me too.

May has been a terrific month for me. There weren’t anything that was too hard to handle. No anxiety or panic attacks that made me cry randomly, no sleepless nights, my grumpiness was at a tolerable level, my stress-o-meter was on a normal scale, everything is just lining up for me and nothing was too hard! I guess, there were ultimately difficult things I went through from other months so I guess May is this really easy peasy time for me.

Actually, both April and May are fantastic. I am super blessed and I did feel great for the past two months ya know.

But this month, I felt that there was an outpour of blessings for me, my family, friends and loved ones. I was continued to be blessed with healing. Blessed to still have friends who are there for me and I think, this is the month wherein I got really closer to God. I didn’t think I’d be feeling this way. I didn’t expect that being closer to Him feels so good, like nothing can go wrong, or if anything goes wrong I’ll be fine. That kind of feeling! So watch out for what I’ll be sharing with you about these experiences and spiritual encounters with God.

Work is meh and even blah. It does pay the bills but I am beginning to see myself desperate, pathetic. I know I want a hefty pay check if that’s possible but it isn’t always the money to be honest. I love mundane, I like routine, I like comfort but for once this isn’t the comfort I want. I am not learning, I am not growing and I don’t see that people like to see people grow here. Y’know what I mean? But overall, life is pretty good this month! (except my feelings toward work)

In a nutshell, May is a remarkable month. I’d always remember feeling light, easy and happy because of the blessings I received! Soooo happy! (I wrote “so dope” but it sounded as if I was a tita tryna be cool like?? Hahaha)

Love Like Jesus Daw

Putting “love like Jesus” to practice is hard but fulfilling, refreshing even if I am being completely honest.

Sunday, May 27, 2018 at church, we were told about Love being the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That even if we are given the gifts of the Holy Spirit and do not have the fruit, everything goes to waste.

The fruit that they are saying is Love and the indication of Love and the basis of it is to love like Jesus. Like the kindness and the most understanding heart there is in the face of the eart, that’s the kind of love you will need to have within you.

When someone pisses you off, instead of being mean to that person or giving that person the taste of their own medicine, choose to love like Jesus.

When your partner is being extra difficult, choose to love like Jesus.

When we are insulted, scrutinized in the most embarrassing way, instead of dwelling on anger and shame, choose to love like Jesus.

How to do that? See the best in these people, see the good in a bad situation. Choose to see the light. Do not give in to pride, anger, sorrow, pain. Look for the love inside your heart .

Someone in the office is being extra mean to me. Making me feel unworthy, making me feel that somehow, sometimes I am not welcome. This person makes me feel like she is a friend but her meanness would radiate and being an emphatic and an INFJ, I know very well someone’s intentions and feelings towards me. I just don’t do well with confrontations but I know well what they think of me. Now, that person tests me every day—today included. But since learning about how to love like Jesus, I am putting it to practice. I will not give in to the mean acts of this person. I will not feel negatively or feel hurt. All I will do is be the best that I am, and try seeing that person on a different light. You know it’s hard to love like Jesus right? It’s hard when people are extremely brutal, it’s hard when you get bullied, it’s hard when you are so determined to stand up for yourself just this once but come to think of it, it will be easier to just let it go and love instead of harbouring pain, anger and hurt. Mas mahirap magbitbit ng mga bagaheng nakakasakit kaysa sa bitawan ito ng tuluyan.

Practice loving like Jesus and maybe it’s for the better. Maybe you’ll feel better.

Letting God

I tell myself the phrase “Let Go and Let God” over and over again in different circumstances almost every day. Every time I tell myself that, I find it hard to really let go and give it all to God. I mean I don’t even understand how it becomes hard. Maybe because we always want to be in control of our lives and when things don’t go as planned, we find it hard to cope?

You see, I am about to embark on a road I have not taken before. The unknown is always scary but how can we be scared already when we don’t know what is it that will come for us, what’s going to get us? Is there a big monster that will bite us in the ass? We don’t know for sure what’s on the path untaken, what’s waiting for us on the other end so I’d like to remind myself these things that maybe, you can remind yourself too and we can move forward from everything?

  1. Fear of the unknown is senseless. We don’t even know what’s going to get us so why are we scared to take a step forward?
  2. Have we forgotten about our intelligence, capabilities and abilities to come through? We’d definitely make it out alive because we should know that WE CAN DO IT. Keep the faith. Trust yourself.
  3. If then that we are faced with failure, it just means another opportunity, another learning curve, a sense of growth. Something we can use to keep ourselves stronger.

If we tried our best and still failed, maybe God has different and better plans for us. So if we think with the mindset that this is an opportunity for growth and if this isn’t what’s for us, then we won’t find it so hard to let go and let God.