I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.


Para Que?

I’ve made a decision that I no longer allow petty bullshit to affect me and in order for me to do that, I needed to use my empty instagram account for good. HAH!

You see, after the “hell” I’ve been through, I created an instagram account but have not used it because I found myself having a hard time to let go of my posts, comments, likes –which has no bearing in my life to be honest. It’s so toxic to be attached like that diba?

So anyway, today, I finally used the empty IG account and made it private. I also only followed those I like to keep in both social media life and real life plus only allowed to be followed by those people. Some of you guys would probably think that I’m being petty and immature but that’s how I know I can cope with what I’m dealing with so… It’s easy for you to say that I should just block those whom I don’t like but that’s not very easy for me to do. Baka may issue pa diba, so I just made a new account and kept it exclusively for those I like lang talaga. HAH!

When I did this with creating a new Facebook account, my (psychiatrist of a) brother said that I can do that if that’s going to help me heal. Oh diba. 🙂 Jinujustify ko talaga eh.

Kasi guys, it’s affecting me THAT much talaga. It’s so unhealthy. Umaabot sa point na either I just go to the profiles of people I like and watch their IG stories there so I wouldn’t accidentally watch the stories of those I don’t like diba. They also don’t double tap on my photos and I know they don’t like me so why do I even bother with those people. I mean it’s not really about the “like” button. I feel like we don’t have to add or follow each other if we both know we don’t like each other. Para que?

(fave ko talaga sabihin yung phrase na “Para que?”; my mom uses that phrase like 100000 times a day HAH! If you don’t know what that means, it means “what for?” or “para saan pa?”

Okay lang mag-hate follow when like you know, I guess kapag di niyo naman kilala talaga isa’t isa or what pero if you’re coming from something deeper, kagaya nung sakin, ex friend na kita ifafollow mo pa ako just for the sake na masabi na mature enough ka to see me on social media pero you hate me so much naman eh wag nalang. 🙂 ❤

Let It Go, Let It Gooooo

Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!

My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)

I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.

Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?

Someone Tell Me

When it comes to healing, moving on and letting go

Why do we need closure, why do we seek and crave for it? And why, despite knowing that this is probably common and needed, people do not give it to you?

Why do we need to hear whether we are forgiven or not, why do we need to be put into place? Why do we need to know these things?

Why despite the chances of hearing and knowing the bad things they have to say, we still want to hear it anyway?

Someone tell me. Seriously. I need to be enlightened.

How To Delete?

I don’t know but the purpose of my hard drive has been changed accidentally. My brother initially gave it to me so I can store movies and series and everything I want without worrying about the little space my small laptop could offer. Now, my hard drive is being used to store the junk that I couldn’t delete yet I choose to save for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.

I am looking for excuses as to why the photos and videos of me and my ex best friends are kept and stored safely on my hard drive when in all honesty, there’s no reason for it at all. When everything turned sour and bad and I was left to rot, there’s no turning back. I know for a fact that no one wants to go back there, in that hellhole of a shitty place. Not even the shittiest person would choose to go back there yet I still choose to keep the memories, the stuff left behind, the ones left for me.

Half of the space used up are because photos and videos and random selfies we took from days when we had solid fun. I don’t think it makes me happy or sad just by looking at it but I keep wondering why is it still there.

A friendship breakup is harder than a couple break-up. Or is it just me? Well, every broken relationship is sick and sad but this, this is crazier than all other break ups because in friendship, no one expects or preempts a break up. Maybe that’s why it is harder.

My hard drive still sits beside me while I’m typing this and I still can’t find it within me to delete everything. Trust me, it’s not like I look at everything and cry. Maybe sooner or later I’ll be able to delete it but until that day arrives, I don’t know what to do with it.

Most of the photos were from adventures we took! Places we visited, restaurants we tried. In those pictures and videos, we looked so happy. We looked unbreakable. But not everything is what it seems to be.

Hindi lahat ng masayang tignan ay masaya talaga. I hate you sometimes, Memories. Nakakagulo ka ng damdamin at isipan. Pakshet.

Lately I have been thinking of how I can start my life anew. Like start on a clean slate.

I started to think about the old friends I used to have and how my life turned upside down. I started my forgiveness since the day I have finally understood that nope, there’s no going back. But forgiveness is a tricky thing and for the first time in a long time, I don’t blame myself for it.

I have pictured and made myself believe that I am walking forward, toward a new life but in reality I was trying to walk forward while turning for over a couple of dozens of times only to realize that there’s no need for me to look back.

Part of my being is keeping memories close to my heart. I can remember even the smallest of details from 20 years ago and it still plays very vividly on my mind as if it was just yesterday. So the problem with letting go of people is the memories I had back with them. I don’t think I was ever prepared that what I have held on for so long—the memories, are made to be forcibly forgotten.

How in the world will I ever forget these when I don’t even intend to remember it anymore? How will I do that?

I got a simple answer care of myself as usual. That’s when forgiveness enters and I must understand its meaning, value and what it entails.

When I forgive these people, I can move forward without hesitations, without looking back and regretting every step I took forward.

There are people I have cut out from my life and there are people who did just that to me. Now, in the midst of trying to let everything go and move on from where I am, I couldn’t help but think how some people can simply cut you off without having closure? But I guess that’s how the cope with things.

I just hope that I can leave everything behind and only look back from time to time without hurting myself on the thought of retracing memories. I just. I just really want to let myself go.

Crazy and Emotional

Last Saturday, I got to talk to one of my friends. That friend was part of the circle I left. I asked her what she thinks about the death of Horacio Castillo III and in the middle of our short discussion, I noticed that she hasn’t accepted my friend request on Facebook (the FB I am using now is a new one) so I asked her why, she said something like “Wala na ba yung fb mo dati? Di ko inaccept pa kasi baka lalo pa magkagulo gulo eh, gets mo naman siguro diba” HINDI KO GETS. (“Is your old FB gone for good? I didn;t accept it so as not to make things worse, if you know what I mean”—that’s the closest translation I could come up with lol)

It got me thinking, why do people who are not involved with the whole drama—involve themselves as if they’re part of it all. That person, was one of those who I think didn’t choose sides but, well, I don’t know anymore.

I was going back and forth, thinking if I should discuss any of this with Kyx but I chose not to because I feel like the more I keep talking about it, the more I bring myself despair and a lot of negative vibes to think about. Yet here I am, talking about it. I guess I only ever freely talk here on my blog.

With that incident, I keep thinking about it even if I know it’s not worth my energy, time and mental health. I hate myself for feeling bad about things that I can’t fix, things that I don’t even want to fix.

I’m sorry that you’re reading this crazy and emotional thoughts I’ve had over the weekend on a Monday (or Sunday or whichever day you’re reading this)

Let’s continue moving forward!