Don’t Wait For Others To Value You

More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.

I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.

But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.

So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.

Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.

If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.

Welcome Back!

Welcome back, human. You’re here again and hopefully you’ll stay in your realm of acceptance, understanding and happiness.

You may have probably crawled pitifully your way back but the important thing is that you’re here now, here again.

Life will continue to go on and though you have recovered from an ugly past filled with pain and suffering, it doesn’t mean that you won’t go through shit again. It will still be a mix of fun, laughter, sadness, loneliness and happiness but the thing is, you’re much more experienced now and well—stronger.

This is why you shouldn’t let the pain, hurt and trauma hunt you on your way towards a brighter future. There isn’t a promise of not going through a painful and traumatic experience in life again but more often than not, you would usually let it hunt you down and that’s not what you need to do.

You have to be able to look at each experience with joy in your eyes, you have to be able to put the fear, pain and hurt in your hands and feel it. You have to be able to acknowledge it so that you can easily let it go without fearing the memory of it. Accepting it takes courage and a huge chunk of self-love. These things, the things that caused you pain should be treated as your very own bedrock. The bedrock that you will use for growth. The very ground that you plant yourself in, in order to grow and become a better person.

Slowly But Surely

For some, 3 months is probably a short time to consider but for someone like me, a constantly busy person who goes to work 6 days a week—3 months is a long time for me.

At first, I was rushing myself to just get over it as quickly as possible. I kept telling myself how these are all nonsense and that I didn’t have much time to acknowledge these ill feelings. Maybe that’s why I keep going through hell and back over and over again. I was stuck in a loop, in a cycle I didn’t understand. Sometimes I cry, other times I’m angry. Sometimes I faked smiles, sometimes I feel like it’s over and I have accepted everything. Sometimes I wrote in rage, sometimes I felt okay. That’s how I have been and that didn’t help me at all (or maybe it did? A little I guess)

I talked to Zheng (a good friend of mine) and asked him his thoughts (I’ll write about it in a different post but let me get his permission first lol) and that’s the only time that I finally understood what I was going through.

It all came to me that I needed to treat it slowly. Slowly but surely.

Slowly, I felt good about myself, I felt good about what happened. I realized that I needed this. I needed to be broken apart so I can rebuild myself, so I can find what I lost and that’s the only time that I fully embraced myself.

Though I slipped a million times for the past 3 months, I feel really better now.

Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

Turning Things Around

 

“How will I ever get back up from this trauma? How will I ever be okay after all these things happened? How will I ever move on? How will I get over everything when the pain crushed me so hard, my bones shattered inside my body. How?”

The thing about every painful thing that happened to our lives is that it is inevitable. Sadly, everything happens because it’s part of our fate. It’s meant to happen or it happened for a reason that will be for the betterment of ourselves. Sometimes, it’s hard to wrap your head around the idea that something tragic happened to you. Why not anyone else? Why not them instead of me? It’s simply because it is meant for your own growth.

How to turn things around when everything and everyone failed you? When you were pushing towards success but you end up being beaten down almost to your grave. When the betrayal is so damn impossible to believe because these people were your backbone for the longest time! When everything was going so damn well but you blinked your eyes and everything turned into total disaster?! Simple. You pick up everything that was thrown your way. You pick up everything. You pick up the shit and gems that have been thrown in your face and use it as the main substance that will help you grow into something better. Better than the people who tried to destroy you, better than yourself. Use everything for your own well-being and turn it all around. When you get shit, turn it into something important to you. Turn it into your own advantage. This is your chance to turn bad situations into opportunities. Into windows of learning and growth.

Because if things are meant to destroy you, then the more you should be able to counter it by using it into your advantage. Do not let anyone destroy you or dull your sparkle. Do not let anyone kill you inside. Do not let yourself be broken for so long. Cause trust me, you deserve better than all the crap the world has to offer.

 

Moving On

About 2 nights ago I think, a friend sent me a screenshot of statuses—indirect quotes and stuff like that, obviously intended for me from my exfriends.

I didn’t feel anything. I was a bit shocked because if I can remember clearly ako ang iniwan sa ere (I was the one left behind) so why bother post stuff about me? Isn’t it your role to post how happy you are with your life with no trace of me or anything that transpired?

That night, I dreamed about everyone from that circle. Including those who are still civil with me, everyone involved and semi involved.

We were at the beach, taking photos of each other. While enjoying the sun, I was thinking as to why are we together because we are not friends anymore right? In my dream, everything seems to be okay. Everything is resolved and we were happy. Aside from my confusion, all is well.

When I woke up, the aching heart is nowhere to be found. The clench in my stomach is not there. In short, I feel okay!

As of the moment, I am okay and I don’t feel as hurt as I have been before. I don’t know until when I’d feel okay but my fingers are crossed!

When To Let Go

Ever been in a relentless battle of giving up and trying hard? Well, welcome to adulthood!
I am not saying that these things do not happen to young people, cause it does. It’s just that, it is in a whole new level once you reached adulthood. Because whether you like to hear it or not, once you are a proper adult, you have so little time. You don’t even have time to rest and enjoy life so why would you want to suffer from things which are not worth it at all. Why would you use your small free time on things that hurt you? Maybe it’s time you let go.
1. Letting go of toxic people.
These people whom you may have known your entire life, people you are with most of the time, friends you swore you’d keep forever. But admit it, petty things can become big issues and before you know it, you’re stuck with people who make your life difficult. People who keep throwing negativity your way instead of encouraging and helping you up the ladder. You can still be the person they once knew but you must understand that you don’t need any more toxicity, any more negativity in your life. So know when to cut ties.

2. Letting go of that sh*t job.
Your boss is great, colleagues are nice people, you enjoy your work, you’re getting paid fairly. These are fantasy. You know the saying “you can’t have it all?”. This is a perfect example. Either you get paid really well but you don’t like what you’re doing or you love what you’re doing but the compensation is not enough to support your needs. Maybe your boss is nice but your colleagues are toxic people or your boss is giving you a sh*t time and your colleagues are the nicest of people in the planet. Whatever the reason is, you must know where you stand. Just make sure that when you choose to stay, your worth is seen. If you choose to go, find something where the workplace is a healthy environment that will make every hard work worthwhile.

3. Letting go of bad relationships.
You may been staying because you’ve been together for as long as you can remember. You might be staying because you have kids. There are a lot of factors that you are considering but you know love is not there. When love isn’t present, principle, respect and dignity is compromised. Learn to let go of that kind of relationship because the damage will just be bigger than you can imagine in the long run.
Saying goodbye and letting go isn’t always sad and lonely. It’s also very significant to growth and strength. Imagine how strong you are when you choose to walk away from things that aren’t healthy in your life anymore?! I am not saying that you should give up right away, the moment you can’t get a grip anymore. No, not something like that. What I am saying is, when you have exhausted all your efforts, when you broke your own rules and yet you feel like sh*t? That’s the time to let go. Because letting go could be hard and uncomfortable at the beginning but trust me, your future self will thank you later. Once you breakaway from toxic things you’ve been fighting for all your life, you will realize the things that should matter. You will love yourself more and see your self-worth. You will appreciate yourself and other people who showed you and made you feel what genuine love and sincerity should be. Letting go is not easy, but sometimes learning when to let go is what you should do.