Same Story, Different Perspective Part 2

The days have gone by and all I could do was write about my feelings. You all were there when I was so down and you knew what happened.

Now that I have moved on from it, I realized how important intentions are. I realized how it is good to figure out the intention or objective of someone when doing something so that you will understand what’s up. I mean if you know what the intention is, you would probably be more rational or understanding right? I don’t know if you get what I mean but that’s that. Hahahaha

Like maybe, if they knew that my intention was nothing but just simply saying what I had in mind and that it wasn’t meant to offend, that I am just really a blunt and a half insensitive nobody in their freaking right mind would be so angry.

I guess what I really wanted to say is this.

I have forgiven you already and I hope that you know what you did was wrong. What you did was cruel. You wanted people to hate me the way you did and so you had to hurt other people’s feelings just so you could succeed. I know it did make you a little happy and felt as though you have accomplished something but I also think that what victory and joy you felt did not last long. It couldn’t have lasted long because for sure you have realized that you made a big mess out of a small puddle. It wasn’t even supposed to be messy looking back. Hahaha. You made me look as if what I said were wrong, as if my comment of “dati naman na siyang maldita” was not true when in reality IT IS WHAT IT IS. The person I was pertaining to in that comment even admits to it (pero confused ako kasi nagalit din sya kahit na totoo naman and she was even proud of it so??? Di ko gets)

Everything is in the past now. You were calling me out for what you think is “betrayal” but what you did was the actual exact same thing! It’s funny how you can twist words and stories but I do hope you get really good sleep at night. Because I do. You know why? Because I figured my intentions were clear, I figured that though it may have been very wrong for me to speak so bluntly and insensitive, I never spoke of lies. I always always just described how I saw it. And now I know when to shut the fuck up, thanks to you being all twisty and stuff. I have learned that though my intentions were clear as crystal, people can twist my words and tell a different story from it. It’s so stupid that I am only realizing this now. Hayyyyy.

Oh well, all is good now.

I don’t have plans on being friends with these people anymore and it’s not painful, it’s all forgiven but it should all be left where it belongs—in the past.

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Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.

“It’s Okay”

Why do we have the nagging fear of missing out? What is it that we feel like we always have to be part of something? Why do we need to fit in places we don’t fit into no matter how hard we try?

If you have the fear of missing out, if you want so badly to fit in and you look at your past as if you lost something and it gets really hard to move forward, here’s a reminder.

  • Yes it’s fun while it lasted, it’s good while it lasted, and everything was such a blast until it had to end. The initial feeling we have would be regret, heartache, resentment and insert all feelings of hurt here but (I know it’s easier said than done) couldn’t we all have a change in perspective? Say for example, gratefulness and even relief! How about hope? Let’s change our attitude towards bad endings. Let’s nod or tip off your hat and welcome the new beginning! Be hopeful for what is in store for us in the days that are coming.
  • It’s okay to not be part of something you used to be part of. I get the feeling that you are like this piece of puzzle and you seriously fit into it perfectly and then all of a sudden, the picture changed and you as a piece—is not needed anymore. It’s okay, don’t get sad over shit like that for you have your own new picture with lots of other new puzzle pieces that fit in its place now. A picture that also do not need the old puzzle pieces anymore. Quits lang, kumbaga.
  • A closed door, a different path is not the end of it all. It’s also a sign of new opportunities and growth!

I was thinking the other day about my old friends and how I am not going to be part of their lives, their future and even their milestones. I wouldn’t be able to be there, be proud, be happy for them when they reach their dreams and that’s okay. Not that it’s okay because “quits lang” but it’s really okay because maybe, our lives are only weaved for a period of time and that it was broken off for the better. It’s okay because moving on, letting go and growing means leaving the past behind because that’s where it is meant to be left.

And just as my mom always says, people who left us and chose to weed us out of their lives are the ones that we don’t need panghihinayang.

 Kaya, okay lang yan. Okay lang talaga yan.

Ngayong Oktubre

Sinabi na sa atin nang paulit ulit, at ilang beses na rin naman nating natunghayan, na ang lahat ng pasakit, lahat ng masakit, lahat ng kahindik-hindik na tagpo sa ating buhay ay natatapos, nakakalimutan, napapatawad, naiiwan sa nakaraan sa oras na pinili na nating lumakad pasulong, sa oras na pinili na nating lumisan.

Oo. Lahat tayo nakakamove on. Lahat ng sugat ng nakaraan din kasi ay naghihilom.

Kapag iniisip ko lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko, pinipilit kong alalahanin kung anong nangyari sa lumang sarili ko. Ano ba ako noong mga panahong iyon? Nalugmok ba ako at umiyak ng sobra? Hindi ko na maalala kung paanong pinilit ng utak kong kalimutan ang mga nangyari. Hindi ko na maalala ang lahat nga ng pangyayari, pero ang alam ko, simula nang inumpisahan kong umisod, simula nung inihakbang ko ang mga paa ko, unti unti nang naghilom ang mga sugat na hindi ko naman sigurado kung natamo ko ba sa ibang tao o sa sarili kong kagagawan.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ikukwento ng maayos sa inyo yung mga bagay na naiisip ko ngayong naglangib na nga ang malalim na sugat ko. Dati kasi, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong may kagagawan ng lahat, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong dahilan kung bakit nagkaganito at bumalentong ang mundo ko. Pero kasi hindi eh. Hindi maaaring masaktan ka na tipong ikaw lang ang may kasalanan, na ikaw lang ang lahat ng may kagagawan. Hindi naman sa sinasabi kong sisihin natin ang ibang tao pero kasi, narealize ko na ang sagot sa mga katanungan ko ay makikita ko lang sa oras na mas mahal ko na ang sarili ko. Yung bang may paninindigan ako, yun bang hindi ako makikinig o maniniwala sa sasabihin ng ibang tao dahil mas kilala ko ang sarili ko. Nakilatis ko na rin ang mga taong talagang may pagmamahal at malasakit sakin kaya naman hindi na ako nagpapatinag sa mga opinyon ng kung sino sino lang.

Una, napag-isip isip kong hindi para sa akin ang ginawa nila kundi para sa kanila. Wala naman akong nakuha o na-gain sa mga bagay na sinabi nila. Sila ang may nakuha. Siguro kung tumaas ang self-esteem nila at napatatag nila ang mga sarili nila, eh di good. Pero ngayon ko napagtanto na hindi iyan ang sisira sa pagkatao ko.

Masakit kung sa masakit pero nung tinanggap ko na para naman sa inyong selfish na desisyon, natauhan ako. (buti nalang hindi ako nagpakamatay noong panahon na yun kasi hindi pala talaga worth it)

Pangalawa, hindi nakakasaya, nakakagaan sa loob at nakakakumpleto ang isang bagay na ginawa mo para malugmok ang isang tao. Hindi ako nagpapaka-victim dito dahil alam naman nating may fair share ako ng kamalditahan ko, pero walang nanalo o natalo kaya wag sanang isiping “victory” ang isang bagay na nakapanakit deliberately. Hindi yan ang ikasasaya mo.

Pangatlo, lahat ng tao sa mundo nagkakasakitan kaya tingin ko isa sa mga goals dapat natin sa buhay ay ang makapagpatawaran sa mga taong nanakit satin, sa mga taong nagkaroon tayo ng hindi magandang alaala.

Hindi ko na pinapangarap na makipagusap sila ng maayos o humingi manlang ng tawad sa oras na sinaktan nila ako. Napagtanto ko naman na din na ang universe na ang gagawa ng paraan upang iparamdam sayo kung ano ang pinaramdam mo sa ibang tao. Babalik at babalik din kasi yan eh. Hindi mo ba naisip yun?

Kaya ngayong Oktubre, pinapatawad ko yung mga taong nakapanakit sa akin ng husto. Pinatatawad ko sila kasi tapos ko nang patawarin ang sarili ko.

Empowered with Self Love!

I was just about to count the days after my friendship break up but counting would mean recounting so many bad memories and I’m just not into that right now. Especially that I am feeling extra good about myself and my life lately. No. I will not dull down this empowerment that God’s grace so generously bestowed upon me. He he he.

I was listening to Episode 14 of Wake Up with Jim And Saab and there was this light bulb moment. Like there will always be that someone who will try to bring you down (and succeed in the process) just to make themselves feel better (for a short period of time) because honestly, bringing someone down, breaking him/her to pieces does not make you gain a whole lot. It wouldn’t even make you happier in the long run come to think of it, so why? Why would you do that?

There may have been many reasons, of course and maybe I am also really bound to learn from these kind of things so I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a very long time, I blamed myself. I put myself in this really sad place and look at the happy memories as they flash in my mind every. single. day. then it would dissolve into sad grey colored thing and tears start to well up. That’s a cycle I have put myself into while in this dark, sad place. But day by day, I fight it. Day by day, I try crawling out, grappling every single thing out of the way just so I could see the light again, with bright colored sunshine-y things. Imagine dealing with that for a long time? Blaming yourself for shit. Not understanding everything and thinking to yourself that you actually deserved shit? How did I come as far as not loving myself the way I should? I take in every single thing, when I was questioning myself I put it out in the world and someone said that maybe I was really the bad one? Maybe I was the toxic one and I deserved that? Then at the back of my head I’d think “maybe you’re right” even though I know that I am not like that. That I have a good heart and I cared too much. People would often take my sensitivity as cringe-worthy. Some would even go as far as telling me that I have too much feelings. Maybe yes, you guys are right, but it’s not like I cry in front of everyone and just be sappy and pabebe. No one would even notice that I am sad. It’s all in my thoughts and you guys just see it because I write about it in here and on twitter but it doesn’t mean that I go day by day crying and self-pitying.

All these things made me feel that I was really to be blamed and I try every day to improve myself, to be stronger, to acknowledge what needs to be worked on. However, what I learned in the process of improving myself is to let go. When I let it all go, when I didn’t take simple comments like that (that I’m sure wasn’t intended to make me feel bad about myself) by heart, I felt empowered.

I didn’t need to feel and think like “am I doing it the right way?” because I realized there is no “right way”. We all differ in our areas of strengths and weaknesses so my process and learning would be different from everyone else hence I didn’t need someone else’s approval whether I am doing the moving on and self improvement correctly.

I was able to take a grip and hold myself together for once. I understood myself better and knew myself more. I even loved myself more than I ever did in the past.

With all these, I went back to the time that I was brought down by my friends and looking back, I saw how strong I was to walk away. How I was put down because I can handle the heat, I can handle the stress. Because their own toxicity wouldn’t work on me. And it had to take a collective effort to throw someone under a bus—I must have really been such a top gal wasn’t I? HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, I do not blame myself anymore (or anyone else for that matter) because with learning to love myself, I realized that I don’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves something like that. Looking at the bigger picture, what happened was complete and utter bullshit. A complete waste of time and energy.

What did you even gain when you tried to bring a friend down? What did you gain when I left the group? Did it make you really happy knowing that you hurt someone deliberately? Think about it.

I am not bitter anymore and slowly but surely, I am taking away all of what makes me sad in my heart by learning to completely forgive anyone who has hurt me and done me wrong (whether they realize it or not) It’s such a relief for me to be able to love myself and understand myself better now.

Of Letting Go (cycle 100 hahaha)

More than a year ago, I forced myself to create a new world for me. A place where I will be at peace with myself, a place where I am in control of who I let inside my heart and my life. It was so difficult at first. Mahirap matalikuran and at the same time, talikuran ang mga taong naging parte ng buhay mo for 15 years. It wasn’t an easy choice but a choice I have to make, a choice I have to do for myself. A choice that will help me move on and heal. And it was the only choice so I have to make do of it or I’ll let myself sink.

At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to live with it, that I will be lonely and sad all through my days because I am so used to having these people in my life despite everything but look at me now, I am still so full of life! I am alive and definitely happier?! I never have imagined myself being so grateful about this.

I’d have to say that reminiscing never helped me. It still makes me a bit sad that things took a different turn. I would always think to myself that I could have done things differently but it won’t be of any use now would it?

I’ve learned so much about friendship and relationships. How to treasure people and how to love even more.

I’ve learned so much about myself. I saw what I was doing wrong and I rectified it. I redeemed myself through these heart breaking experiences and that made me a better person!

Yesterday I was seriously feeling triumphant that I survived a year without these people. Not that I don’t miss them now. I can’t say anymore that hindi ko na sila namimiss or naaalala because deep down inside, I still do and I’m not afraid to admit it, not even to myself. I just feel really good na kinakaya ko and kaya ko pala talaga.

Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.