A Small Act of Rudeness Doesn’t Go Unnoticed As Well

They always say that small acts of kindness never go unnoticed. I say, a small act of rudeness, meanness and anything bad—big or small, do not go unnoticed as well. Some people just don’t let themselves get affected by these things especially if it’s really petty but you’ll never know. There are people who would rather keep their mouths shut and not give you the satisfaction to get a tiny bit of reaction from them but everything is mentally noted, remembered and may even be engraved!

There are many instances wherein some people would treat me badly disguising their BS as a joke even if I don’t find it funny. Often times, I feel so attacked but I don’t react or even rant about it anymore because I just don’t feel that it’s worth a single second of my time but to be honest, it still affects me. I don’t let them see it though.

Before everything else, all the drama I had to deal with a year ago, I was working on being a person who is not reactive. I would often easily let my wall crumble down and be on my guard, defending myself no matter how unworthy the situation is. On my journey of changing my ways, I stumbled upon Mart’s blog post. I remember him talking about building a strong wall..wait let me find it. (I found it after about 3 minutes!! Whoo! Hi, Marts. Naalala ko pa ang sinulat mo. Maraming salamat. Tumatak sakin ‘to) what hit me most is the quote he included on his entry from the bible “a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls” it was really really helpful especially in the times when I am trying to work on bettering myself. So I tried to make my walls strong. I don’t get a simple thing irritate me so much (although sometimes, I resort to my twitter account especially when I’m outraged lol) but in reality, I cool myself down instead of making patol.

So what I’m getting at is that some people, they do have strong and high walls that’s why you never see them react to your BS but that doesn’t mean they do not know what you’re doing.

After writing this, I went back and read what Marts wrote and I am proud to say that his written work is one of the things that helped me strengthen my wall. Although I need more practice kasi I don’t let my walls get broken down pero I still feel sick in my stomach when there are people who are being rude or mean. So siguro, my façade is stronger but I’m still soft inside in spots that needs to be tough.

Pero anyway, ending this with a note:

May mga taong hindi lang nagsasalita pero nasasaktan din. ‘Wag abuso.

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Healed, Hopeful and Happy

After a year, now what?

Finally being able to move on took a long year to take place but what’s so good about it is that my heart has fully healed and I am way past remembering how painful it was for me a year ago.

If you’re new to this blog of mine (as if talaga may new people reading haha) here’s what happened to me, choose from the links or read everything if you want but I swear it was a totally different person writing it. I can’t even remember myself feeling all those emotions. ANG BIGAT before grabe. Anyway, I was filled with so much anger and hatred that finding peace, forgiveness and love sounded impossible. I just kept writing about it though (kahit pauilit ulit)

I wrote about how I am trying to move on, how one day I am happy and the next day I remember everything and I break down and cry. I wrote all about the cycle of seeking closure and failing. I wrote about how I found comfort from my family, Kyx, some friends and my TFIOB family. I wrote about expanding the world I live in. When I look back, I am seeing just now how the universe and God played a huge part with my healing. It was a long gruelling process and it wasn’t a very pretty thing to go through but here I am, all fixed, healed, hopeful and happy!

Healed – I forgave and let go of everyone who hurt me one way or another. I don’t bother anymore whether they remember all the good things I ever did to them, I don’t feel bad anymore. Hindi na ako nanghihinayang. My mom said (no offense lang if may matatamaan) hindi kailangang panghinayangan ang mga ganoong klaseng tao. I believe her. It’s not as if I didn’t feel bad losing these people. It’s just that the way things have ended, I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I love. I mean I wouldn’t break them how they broke me. But like I said, I don’t have ill feelings anymore towards these people. I don’t feel bad for myself anymore. It’s as if I have gained more from the loss.

Hopeful – Since letting go and forgiving these people, I am hopeful that somehow, they have also forgiven me for the pain I have caused them. Though I am not downplaying what I did, but what I did wasn’t directly and intentional. But I am acknowledging that it would have really been painful as well if it was the other way around. I am hopeful that ever since new doors and blessings rained, I have opened myself more to new things and new people. It helped me grow!

Happy – I am in a happy place now. I have forgiven myself as well from the things I blamed myself for. I realized the wrong things I have been doing and changed my ways. I learned a lot of things and with that I am truly grateful!

Last Night’s Thoughts

I talked to God last night and told him how finally, I saw things differently. I told him that he kept showing me what’s up but I kept looking for something that wasn’t there. He kept reminding me of my blessings and what I have yet I kept looking at what I lost. I wanted it all didn’t I? That’s why I wasn’t looking at what he was actually showing me.

Today, I was hit with the reality that the people who are with me right now is enough. What was lost is lost and all I could do is move forward and appreciate the ones I still have. Grabe ang blessings pala ni Lord na hindi ko masyadong pinapansin.

Last night I told him that I am acknowledging my mistake of looking past the blessings. I told Him that I was too caught up, too busy getting sad over silly things. Hay naman oo.

Thank you for all your prayers friends. Kailangan siguro talaga natin ng mga taong nagdadasal para sa atin and kailangan din tayo ng ibang tao na magdasal para sakanila.

Today, I am happy again. Yay!

Adulting at 26 So Far

With my recent ganap in life and having only a month before I turn another year older, I was once again compelled with a thought that I think, helped me feel better.

So if you are curious as to how it is being 26 or 27, here’s what I can say so far. I know it will be different for everyone but whatev.

  1. Adulting is never over, never easy and there’s no getting used to. It’s as if you’re being able to grasp things when all of a sudden, life throws you a curved ball. That’s how adulting is. Okay ka na pero biglang hindi pala. Ganon lang.
  2. You will go through several emotional and mental breakdowns but you will be okay. Every once in a while, we need to cry and stress ourselves, doubt ourselves a little so we can figure out that we are capable of being calmed under pressure, strong and efficient. Momma didn’t raise a weak ass bitch and we want to make our momma proud. Kailangan akala mo muna hindi mo kaya pero sarili mo lang din ang magpupush sayo para marealize mo na kaya mo. Kaya mo naman pala talaga.
  3. You can’t sulk over stuff way too long because trust me, THINGS. NEED. TO. GET. DONE. no matter how hurt or unstable you are, there are things that needs to get done like taking care of your dog, paying the bills, going to work etc etc. Hindi ka pwedeng maiyak iyak lang sa isang sulok dahil ang dami mo pang kailangang gawin at hindi yun magagawa kung iiyak ka lang at iintindihin ang mga problema mo sa buhay.
  4. There are a ton of things that you would have to do alone and once you have done it, you’ll love it and realize that well, you now prefer doing things alone. Heh. Hindi habang buhay may makakaladkad ka na makakasama sa errands mo at kung ano pang ganap.
  5. When you feel stuck, trust the process. You’re not stuck, you just need to be patient.

So ikaw, you can do it!

I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.

This Is Reality

If you’re a person like me and you put (waste) too much time thinking about a lot of things (even those that is not worth your time) then this is probably going to help you (us, both) face this reality.

There are things we know already yet we can’t grasp the idea unless someone else makes us realize. Thing is, I’ve been on this loop for quite a while now and I know the answers to my questions, I just can’t seem to accept it the way it is.

Truth is, some people, they forget us. They erase us so easily from their systems and are not even bothered by our absence. We don’t know for sure if they don’t think about us or secretly hope for the best for us but half of the time, they don’t think about us anymore and that’s the bitter thing we have to accept. I have to accept.

I have come to terms with myself to minimize talking about it but there are moments when I can’t help but pop out questions as to why there are people like that, why I feel this way, what should I do etc etc. I rarely do it now though (A and Kate know my moments lels)

Here are the heart ripping things I have learned and I should remember from this day forward:

  1. You can’t expect people to feel the way you feel for them. Like let’s say you long for them, you can’t expect them to do the same and long for you. It doesn’t work that way. Most of the time, feelings are not as mutual as we want them to be.
  2. They can erase you in their life as easy as pea and that’s probably confusing and puzzling and hard to accept especially if these people have been a huge part of your life; you can’t do anything about it but accept that YOU. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. ERASED. Poof! Just like that!
  3. Some people will not care whether you exist or have existed or not. You’re just a mere dust to them and they won’t even bother. They won’t feel your absence as much as you feel theirs.
  4. Memories are good where they should be left in the first place—the past. Memories are in the past and that shouldn’t keep you from moving forward. You think about all the happy things then you get sad then you go through the whole shithole of a cycle again and that keeps you from moving the fuck on (note to self lol)
  5. You can’t continue to feel bad over and over again for the same reason. You have to suck it all up one way or another and deal with it in order to survive.

I think I have blasted all these tiny details in my head and living it out is far more harder than I thought it would but I’m getting there. The dreams still have not stopped but they will. Soon, I guess.

And to end this as blatant as I possibly could for my own good I’d say…

Girl, kung nagawa ka namang kalimutan agad na walang remorse manlang or reflection from them and acceptance ng kamaliang nagawa nila then so be it. Wag nating hintayin na marealize nila yun because it will be too late when they do at para saan pa? Para ano pa? Kahit naman magsorry sila or maisip nila yung mali nilang nagawa wala na rin namang mangyayari at wala nang babalikan. Stop comforting yourself with the idea na you’ll finally get the closure you *deserve* when they realize the wrong things they did kasi baka nga matagalan ang realization nila na yun. Let’s not expect them to feel sorry for you and for what they did kasi hindi lahat ng tao reflective. “Ganon lang kadaling makalimutan ka” you ask? Eh ganon talaga. Not everyone is like you who holds and treasure memories close to your heart. Minsan tinatapon nalang nila sa basurahan kasi baka for them, it’s not worth it. Ganon na lang din isipin mo.

**

“The Only Difference Between Your Opinion and Pizza is that I Actually Asked for Pizza”

How many times did we let other people’s unsolicited advice get on our nerves? How many times did we let it slip and slide because, well, we don’t like offending other people.


But you know what, if someone does something you don’t like, something rude or uncalled for, tell them off instantly. Of course, be respectful but be frim and truthful.

Just like yesterday, someone commented that I eat too little rice and another one chimed that maybe because I was on a diet. They’re talking about me on the 3rd person perspective as If I wasn’t there, they weren’t my close friends but they’re not doing it to bash me. They’re just thinking out loud and I understand that. However, you can’t go commenting about other people especially if their opinion is not being asked for. I wasn’t entirely THAT offended because it was true! I don’t eat a lot of rice because I am trying my best to live a healthy lifestyle no matter how hard it is and I don’t need people commenting about it especially that we are not even close. I laughed but I said in all honesty “someone asked your opinion?” I was smiling and they were laughing like it was a joke. But I said it because that’s the truth! I didn’t ask what they think, I didn’t ask for their opinions. Totoo naman eh, eh sa hindi ko naman talaga hinihingi ang mga opinyon nila eh?

And that my friends is how I was still perceived as the masungit, speaking her mind biatch.

I don’t care because as far as I am concerned, I am done taking crap from other people.