One Day At A Time

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you’d see how much I’ve struggled with keeping my sanity while loving myself and caring for myself. You probably saw me in my highs and lows through whatever I have written, how dramatic I have been, how emotionally wrecked I was, how I kept going back and forth with moving forward and clinging to the past. It has been a crazy crazy ride but since September started, I don’t know if it was because of the moon, stars and planets, but I have come to fully embrace self-care and self-love without struggling too much. (I’m actually surprised that it has not been that HARD anymore! Maybe I am really learning how to move on from all the drama right?)

3rd week: My progress is slow but triumphant. It feels like I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel like I’m pushing myself hard, it’s not like I’m forcing myself to feel emotions I don’t want to feel.

What have I been doing? Yoga and healthy eating aside, here are the things I do:

  • I am focusing on improving myself without asking or seeking other people’s validation and approval.
  • I just do things the way I feel is right.
  • I keep away from people who give me negative emotions (however, I don’t take it at heart because I don’t take it at ALL)
  • I don’t live for other people. I used to wake up, get off my ass and please every single person. Agree with them to avoid potential conflict (which I’ve learned that might backfire in the future so I stopped this way of living) now I live for myself and the people I love especially my family.
  • I don’t try to fit in. If people don’t like me and I can sense they’re talking about me behind my back or subtweeting about me or scrutinizing my every move I won’t care about that person anymore. If ayaw mo sa akin at masyado kang maraming sinasabi about me, I will let you go. Hindi ko ipipilit sarili ko.

So far, these are my observations and I feel really good about myself lately and that’s amazing!

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Karma

Karma has its way of showing up no matter how late we think it could be. It just swoops right in time and show you how it’s fucking done.

But you see, we don’t need to wait and watch karma give the person who hurt us the taste of their own medicine. What we need to do is remember that karma is always there, just around the corner ready to come for us for whatever the heck we did—good or bad.

Because the devil never wins and the good is rewarded. No matter how long it takes, karma will always always come for us.

Realizations About Motherhood from A Person Who is Not a Mother Yet

Last Thursday, I started thinking randomly and asked when will I ever bear a child? I am already 27 years old and my chances of have a risky pregnancy is getting higher and higher but here I am, still childless, not pregnant, no husband whatsoever hahahahahah

When I wrote about it a day ago, my friend Kat commented and then I just started realizing a lot of things like:

  • Boy I sure do am not ready for motherhood that’s why God is still not giving me a child (I’m also on birth control so it’s sort of impossible to actually get pregnant hehe)
  • Being a mom requires a whole lot of sacrifice on a different level and I don’t know if I am mature enough for that kind of sacrifice.
  • Moms give up some of their little happiness (not all of their happiness kasi moms should be really happy too in order to bring happiness in their home) and I’m not sure if I’m ready giving up some of my little happiness like enjoying a cup of coffee silently, lazing around at home doing nothing, watch Netflix until my head hurts and eyes twitch, lay in bed all day just because; without my child throwing a fit, calling me “mom” a million times, crying, being hungry et cetera, et cetera.
  • Me time would be so much reduced. Reading a book quietly or being able to paint as neat as possible with be close to impossible once I get to have a child.
  • My patience should be endless so I still need to practice that I think.
  • I don’t have enough money to raise a child how can I even dream about it already??
  • I can’t take good care of myself most of the time and I rely so much on my mom, Kyx and the maid (sometimes lang sa maid ah haha) so how can I take good care of my kid???
  • I would probably have to let go of random meet ups, coffee dates, movie dates, ramen dates, spontaneous Cubao expo trips because I wouldn’t want to leave my child at the care of my mom or yaya.

So definitely, I am not capable of being a mother. My golly, I salute my mom even more and all my mom friends out there!! Grabehaaaan pala ang hirap at sakripisyo ng isang ina talaga.


My mom would always tell us that we will probably realize everything when we become parents ourselves, I am not a mom just yet pero narerealize ko na how hard it is to become a parent. And everything I wrote are just a bunch of selfish and childish things I think about right now. Wala pa the sacrifice you have to do in order to save money and send them to reputable schools, buy them things they need and want, be prepared when your child gets her heartbroken because of bullies or toxic relationships, raise them really really well and be good people. Wala pa talaga sa kalingkingan ang realizations ko yet it’s already THIS hard. Hahaha. Saludo ako sa inyo mommy Meg, Aubrey, Jhem, ate Chococake. ANG LALA. Ang husay niyo!

Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

A Small Act of Rudeness Doesn’t Go Unnoticed As Well

They always say that small acts of kindness never go unnoticed. I say, a small act of rudeness, meanness and anything bad—big or small, do not go unnoticed as well. Some people just don’t let themselves get affected by these things especially if it’s really petty but you’ll never know. There are people who would rather keep their mouths shut and not give you the satisfaction to get a tiny bit of reaction from them but everything is mentally noted, remembered and may even be engraved!

There are many instances wherein some people would treat me badly disguising their BS as a joke even if I don’t find it funny. Often times, I feel so attacked but I don’t react or even rant about it anymore because I just don’t feel that it’s worth a single second of my time but to be honest, it still affects me. I don’t let them see it though.

Before everything else, all the drama I had to deal with a year ago, I was working on being a person who is not reactive. I would often easily let my wall crumble down and be on my guard, defending myself no matter how unworthy the situation is. On my journey of changing my ways, I stumbled upon Mart’s blog post. I remember him talking about building a strong wall..wait let me find it. (I found it after about 3 minutes!! Whoo! Hi, Marts. Naalala ko pa ang sinulat mo. Maraming salamat. Tumatak sakin ‘to) what hit me most is the quote he included on his entry from the bible “a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls” it was really really helpful especially in the times when I am trying to work on bettering myself. So I tried to make my walls strong. I don’t get a simple thing irritate me so much (although sometimes, I resort to my twitter account especially when I’m outraged lol) but in reality, I cool myself down instead of making patol.

So what I’m getting at is that some people, they do have strong and high walls that’s why you never see them react to your BS but that doesn’t mean they do not know what you’re doing.

After writing this, I went back and read what Marts wrote and I am proud to say that his written work is one of the things that helped me strengthen my wall. Although I need more practice kasi I don’t let my walls get broken down pero I still feel sick in my stomach when there are people who are being rude or mean. So siguro, my façade is stronger but I’m still soft inside in spots that needs to be tough.

Pero anyway, ending this with a note:

May mga taong hindi lang nagsasalita pero nasasaktan din. ‘Wag abuso.

Healed, Hopeful and Happy

After a year, now what?

Finally being able to move on took a long year to take place but what’s so good about it is that my heart has fully healed and I am way past remembering how painful it was for me a year ago.

If you’re new to this blog of mine (as if talaga may new people reading haha) here’s what happened to me, choose from the links or read everything if you want but I swear it was a totally different person writing it. I can’t even remember myself feeling all those emotions. ANG BIGAT before grabe. Anyway, I was filled with so much anger and hatred that finding peace, forgiveness and love sounded impossible. I just kept writing about it though (kahit pauilit ulit)

I wrote about how I am trying to move on, how one day I am happy and the next day I remember everything and I break down and cry. I wrote all about the cycle of seeking closure and failing. I wrote about how I found comfort from my family, Kyx, some friends and my TFIOB family. I wrote about expanding the world I live in. When I look back, I am seeing just now how the universe and God played a huge part with my healing. It was a long gruelling process and it wasn’t a very pretty thing to go through but here I am, all fixed, healed, hopeful and happy!

Healed – I forgave and let go of everyone who hurt me one way or another. I don’t bother anymore whether they remember all the good things I ever did to them, I don’t feel bad anymore. Hindi na ako nanghihinayang. My mom said (no offense lang if may matatamaan) hindi kailangang panghinayangan ang mga ganoong klaseng tao. I believe her. It’s not as if I didn’t feel bad losing these people. It’s just that the way things have ended, I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I love. I mean I wouldn’t break them how they broke me. But like I said, I don’t have ill feelings anymore towards these people. I don’t feel bad for myself anymore. It’s as if I have gained more from the loss.

Hopeful – Since letting go and forgiving these people, I am hopeful that somehow, they have also forgiven me for the pain I have caused them. Though I am not downplaying what I did, but what I did wasn’t directly and intentional. But I am acknowledging that it would have really been painful as well if it was the other way around. I am hopeful that ever since new doors and blessings rained, I have opened myself more to new things and new people. It helped me grow!

Happy – I am in a happy place now. I have forgiven myself as well from the things I blamed myself for. I realized the wrong things I have been doing and changed my ways. I learned a lot of things and with that I am truly grateful!

Last Night’s Thoughts

I talked to God last night and told him how finally, I saw things differently. I told him that he kept showing me what’s up but I kept looking for something that wasn’t there. He kept reminding me of my blessings and what I have yet I kept looking at what I lost. I wanted it all didn’t I? That’s why I wasn’t looking at what he was actually showing me.

Today, I was hit with the reality that the people who are with me right now is enough. What was lost is lost and all I could do is move forward and appreciate the ones I still have. Grabe ang blessings pala ni Lord na hindi ko masyadong pinapansin.

Last night I told him that I am acknowledging my mistake of looking past the blessings. I told Him that I was too caught up, too busy getting sad over silly things. Hay naman oo.

Thank you for all your prayers friends. Kailangan siguro talaga natin ng mga taong nagdadasal para sa atin and kailangan din tayo ng ibang tao na magdasal para sakanila.

Today, I am happy again. Yay!