Every day, I make it a point to find windows of opportunity for growth so that I can be a better human being. I always reflect the moment I wake up and before sleeping at night thinking about what I can work on about myself, what I am doing wrong and how I can make things right moving forward. There were days when I can say I’m doing really well and there were some that I can’t help but succumb into negativity and toxicity—like last night.
I usually go to bed at around 11pm. That’s the latest I can keep my eyes open on a work night but last night was different. It’s almost 2 in the morning and I have to be up by 7 yet I can’t sleep because I kept thinking about something negative, toxic people and toxic attitude. I was submitting myself to the burden these negativities are bringing and for a second, it felt as if it’s the right thing to do. Then my rational self, snapped me back to reality and I had to talk it out with Kyx.
Of course, Kyx being the best and chill-est person in the universe, told me to let go because I wouldn’t achieve anything good in this. Feeling bad and absorbing all the negative energy will not make me feel good in the end. Of course it wouldn’t.
I was trying to find out what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I put myself through unnecessary stress and frustration? Why can’t I let go of the thought easily?? I know I can let go, I know I can move forward but why do I felt stuck?
The answers did come the moment I woke up. I was back to thinking why I sacrificed my precious sleep just because of the things I was thinking about.
I always wonder why I end up frustrated even over trivial things—control. I want to have control over every little thing there is. It’s so selfish of me to be that way, I know.
It’s like whenever I lose control and things do not go my way, being the control freak that I am—I lose it! I get so freaked out and it just goes downhill from there. Wow. Being a control freak is so stressful!!
Now that I know what it is that makes me succumb to these negative thoughts and toxicity, my goal is to let it go and stop controlling everything! Aside from it being selfish, it’s not practical and realistic. I’m just burdening myself with unnecessary stress and anxiety. It’s totally not worth it.
It’s going to be a long process but at least I found out what’s wrong and what I need to fix.
Do you have a most recent “me project” wherein you’re trying to be a better person? What is it and how are you moving towards self-improvement? Let me know 🙂