Control Freak

Every day, I make it a point to find windows of opportunity for growth so that I can be a better human being. I always reflect the moment I wake up and before sleeping at night thinking about what I can work on about myself, what I am doing wrong and how I can make things right moving forward.  There were days when I can say I’m doing really well and there were some that I can’t help but succumb into negativity and toxicity—like last night.

I usually go to bed at around 11pm. That’s the latest I can keep my eyes open on a work night but last night was different. It’s almost 2 in the morning and I have to be up by 7 yet I can’t sleep because I kept thinking about something negative, toxic people and toxic attitude. I was submitting myself to the burden these negativities are bringing and for a second, it felt as if it’s the right thing to do. Then my rational self, snapped me back to reality and I had to talk it out with Kyx.

Of course, Kyx being the best and chill-est person in the universe, told me to let go because I wouldn’t achieve anything good in this. Feeling bad and absorbing all the negative energy will not make me feel good in the end. Of course it wouldn’t.

I was trying to find out what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I put myself through unnecessary stress and frustration? Why can’t I let go of the thought easily?? I know I can let go, I know I can move forward but why do I felt stuck?

The answers did come the moment I woke up. I was back to thinking why I sacrificed my precious sleep just because of the things I was thinking about.

I always wonder why I end up frustrated even over trivial things—control. I want to have control over every little thing there is. It’s so selfish of me to be that way, I know.

It’s like whenever I lose control and things do not go my way, being the control freak that I am—I lose it! I get so freaked out and it just goes downhill from there. Wow. Being a control freak is so stressful!!

Now that I know what it is that makes me succumb to these negative thoughts and toxicity, my goal is to let it go and stop controlling everything! Aside from it being selfish, it’s not practical and realistic. I’m just burdening myself with unnecessary stress and anxiety. It’s totally not worth it.

It’s going to be a long process but at least I found out what’s wrong and what I need to fix.

Do you have a most recent “me project” wherein you’re trying to be a better person? What is it and how are you moving towards self-improvement? Let me know 🙂

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What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!

The Things You Endure for Being Soft-Hearted

We’ve heard it all before, being kind and soft-hearted is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a gift that not many people have but it’s a burden to live with.

Being soft-hearted puts you in the position of so much hurt and pain but you endure and live with it as much as you can because most of the time, other people’s happiness is more important than your own. Other people’s happiness is your own happiness.

You always give people so many chances they don’t even deserve in the first place. You let them trample upon you because you are the one who understands more. You’re willing to be torn apart because other people may not be able to carry it out well had they been the one torn apart. You cry in silence with no one to console you but you make your best efforts to be there for other people even if they weren’t there to comfort you in your time of need.

You love other people so much but you end up being hurt by them. They cause you pain yet you allow them inside your heart over and over again. You try your best to be the best for others, the one they need but who else is there for you after it?

“I Belong”

Over the course of time, over the years, I created my own world while making myself belong to a small group. When that failed me, I lost that group and was dumbfounded to realize that I didn’t belong anywhere else!

I have a bunch of other small circles but I’m not a solid part of it. It’s like I’m just there for a wee bit but when all else fails, I don’t get to be remembered simply because I don’t truly belong there.

Maybe it was my fault. I succumb to the world I created for many many years without realizing that losing those people would make me feel like I don’t get to go anywhere else.

It’s hard to try to fit in on a spot you didn’t have in the first place now that you’re 26—that’s my thought all day everyday. Then I realized, why do I even try. To be honest, at 26 years old, I shouldn’t bother anymore.

Here’s How You Will Get Over All The Pain

After all the pain and drama, after your heart being wrenched by some sort of brutal force, after all the betrayal, strong and sad words, after knocking you down, after everything that has transpired, you redeem yourself and realize that you’ve come a long way. You are done with this chapter and you are on your way to moving on. That’s what you will do and you’ll be as strong as ever.

Right now, you haven’t fully healed and that’s okay. That’s how it works anyway. You don’t get to forget as easily as you hope to but that’s how you will learn a lot about life and about yourself. You just have to push yourself harder to be stronger every day even if it’s such a struggle because believe me, you will be okay. Sooner or later, you will be fine and you’ll forget how much it caused you that terrible pain. You will forget you’re angry and that you will live a more harmonious life than ever!

You might be going through that phase wherein you get lost and confused with the emotions you have. At times you only think about happy thoughts and then you begin to miss these people who put you to so much shame and crisis. Then there are moments when you feel so mad and angry that you plot a lot of evil things in your head just so you could feel so much better. And then there are moments that you just can’t help but cry. However, trust that you will smile the next time you see them, heard their names or learn about them. You’d smile without the familiar hurt in your heart, without the clenching of your stomach. You’d smile sincerely and there are no more confusions.

Someday you will get past all the ugly stages of grief. Someday you will accept what happened whole-heartedly. Someday there will be no more pain you have to deal with every day. Someday it’ll all be okay. Until then, feel what you have to feel. Every time you knock yourself over by your tragic experiences, stand up well enough until it knocks you back down cause you know what, it’ll all be over and you’ll be stronger. Stronger than ever.