What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!

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“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

2017 made sure I learned a lot from life, friends, people, experiences, attitude, personal growth and love. I realized many things and even though I have to learn some things the hard way, I am glad it all happened.

Have you ever said this phrase or have someone said that in your face?

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

I realized that we say nice things, heart filling things like this but when all else fails, we forget the true meaning of it. If you said that you’ll always be a friend “no matter what” for me it should mean that whatever shit you go through, may it be hell and back, you’d stick with each other and try to patch things up as hard as you can because there are things in life that would test a friendship. It should not always be about good times, you have to share bad times too and when you go past that then that’s when you’ll know a friendship is true.

I will keep in mind for as long as I live that the words I’d drop are words I can live by.

I hope you guys do that too.

Positivity!

Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.

  1. After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
  2. I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)

Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”


                As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.

  1. I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.

Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.

Ayan na si Kyx 😂


Paepal lang 😂

Yung pinagpeprepare pa ako ni mama ng baon ☺️

Mama and Aila 😘

Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!

These Were My Thoughts Last Night

After what I have been through with my friendship break up from the people I have known for 15 years, I didn’t know I would welcome other people in my life. I didn’t know I would want to make friends again, I didn’t know I would find happiness without their company.

They were my constants, I allowed them to be my everything. I used to hang out with Kyx’s friends, I hang out with friends from a different circle but my (ex) besties, they were the ones I used to travel with. For all the lonely nights I have had since college, I drank with them. The first out of time I was ever allowed to with no adults involved was with them. My “alcoholic” days, was spent with them. My heartbreaks and different problems, I distracted myself with them—everything I did, everything I went through, I was with them. When they turned their backs against me, when one of our friends took screenshots of all the badmouthing we ever did to each other and when I was the one blamed for everything even if it was a group fault, no one backed me up, everyone was just washing their own hands while I was left apologizing for whatever things I have said and done 100 years ago (they brought up all our unresolved issues way back high school—the purpose of it all, I would never know. I guess that person hated me so much she had to do it the way she did)and when I was left alone, tipong naiwan na ako sa ere, I didn’t expect myself opening up to the world again, healing and trying to make friends.

I didn’t know I would trust again, I didn’t know I would be okay opening myself to relationships after what happened.

Gladly, I wasn’t desperate after that. I didn’t force myself to hang out with other people, I just let myself go with the flow of life. I didn’t have any rebound friends and I resorted to writing and getting to know myself a little more each day. I found myself semi-withdrawing again (I usually do it whether I am happy or sad. It’s normal for me) and wanting a lot of time for myself. I spent days contemplating and working on what needs to be improved within myself. I made myself love myself more.

Like I always say, I realized the true value and meaning of friendship and alongside it, I realized the true value of family and belongingness. I worked on myself, improved my life, stripped off the bad attitude, toxicity and negativity. I found all my missing pieces and placed it back together. The whole drama made me whole again.

Now, I understood why this have to happen. Why I have to lose the best friends I had. I understood that I had to lose them to find myself, because when I was with them, I lost ME. It wasn’t their fault, not entirely. The bad things they have done to me, all the pain they have caused me—they will realize it but of course, not all broken relationships can be put back together. I have forgiven them and now it’s up to them to forgive themselves and forgive me for all their reasons.

I am just glad that I found myself and got to know myself more. I have changed for the better and found friendship through other people I have never knew I’d find. My TFIOB family is what I consider my barkada now even if it is just in the blogosphere.

I still have my constants and I truly love them.

And just to put it out there, friendship isn’t just about hanging out and knowing each other for a long time. Friendship is sticking up for each other no matter what happens, it’s forgiving and understanding each other and loving instead of letting hate interfere.

Never The Virgin Mary

I remember being a bit sad (though I never admitted it) because I don’t get to be a Virgin Mary in Christmas related presentations. If I won’t be one of the angels, I’m probably a flower or a tree. Never the Virgin Mary.

When I was younger, I loved the spotlight. I just do my thing and I love performing. I grew up being a cheerleader, dancer, actress in school plays (think of me as Sharpay Evans with the attitude of Gabriela Marquez from High School Musical LOL) I’m pretty much competitive, I don’t get shy, I always have a big role—you probably get it already HAHA. So when Christmas presentations are approaching, I get a little bit let down. You see, I don’t get to be the Virgin Mary even if I acted so good or even if I have the most perfect costume for it simply because “No, the Virgin Mary has this angelic face and a whiter skin. Your skin is dark, your eyebrows are too thick you don’t look like the Virgin Mary at all”.

I didn’t tell my mom how bad I felt but she told me that it’s okay, I don’t need to play the Virgin Mary part anyway because I can have a lot of different roles that I can portray better.

I didn’t cry and later on realized that I don’t even want to play that role anyway.

At an early age, I learned where I place myself, when to place myself. I learned that I can be both great and amazing but not all parts of the play can be achieved through greatness, some roles are meant for me to play while some are not.

I don’t need to be too bold and popular, I don’t need to be bida bida all the time (bida bida is a slang in Tagalog which means, uhm, you know Sharpay Evans and how she is? That’s bida bida HAHAHA I can’t explain it)

I don’t need to always be that person everyone adores. I can be who I am and people can like me if they want as they can hate me if they want ~I don’t care.

Don’t Wait For Others To Value You

More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.

I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.

But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.

So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.

Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.

If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.

Those Who Are Mean Are Unhappy

Those who are mean end up always angry, lost, confused and unhappy.

Before I talk about anybody else or just in general, I’d like to talk about my own personal experience about this.

There’s something liberating about being stripped off about who you really are. All the bad things you did big and small thrown out there for all the world to see. At first, you’d see it as something so painful and humiliating. But once you get to the path of realization, you’d have a clear vision of who you were, how heavy you felt, how toxic you have become and you’d know who you really want to become.

Like I said here and here, I didn’t realize that I was becoming a monster. I didn’t know that what I said in the past would be blown out of proportion and that it would be a big deal! I was so confused but I barrelled through these emotions and I saw everything I was. It felt like I was looking at myself but that person is a different me. It feels like I lost touch of who I really was and I became this mean, insecure lost person. I saw myself and that was enough to keep the change coming. That was enough to knock some sense in me and make me who I really was. You know Te Ka and Te Fiti from Moana? It’s like she’s the exact same person but without her heart, she was really bad but when Moana returned her heart, Te Ka changed back to Te Fiti? That was me. I felt like it was a good representation of who I originally am then transformed into who I became without my heart then returned to my original self.

When I was mean, I was always angry and agitated about everything. I make comments so easily and I feel like I hate everything and everyone. For the most parts, I was just really lost, confused and unhappy. I cringe at my old self. Looking back at her, I felt like I didn’t know her.

Now that I’m trying to be a better person, someone who is not mean anymore, I became happier and contented. It’s as if my rants now became less frequent and I don’t overthink about other people and what they think of me unlike before! So however you want to put it, people who are mean to others, unforgiving and can only think about others in a bad shape would mean unhappiness and confusion. They may not realize it but it’s going to be a never ending cycle until you decide to be a better person.

Mean people = Unhappy people and vice versa. If you want happiness to come and stay for good, you have to be a kind person. Positive energy attracts positive energy. ❤

When you’re happy, you’re kinder. When you’re kinder you’ll like yourself even more.