Let Them Insult You

Instead of objective criticism, instead of a resolution and finding an improvement to your character from other’s point of view, they use insults to spite you. They use attacks on your character, self-esteem, beliefs, values and life choices.

It’s safe to say that I have my fair share of shit and insults thrown at other people back in the day. Aside from being immature, I was certainly in a bad place. I hate myself, I hate life, I hated everything and so it reflected who I was becoming. I then realized soon enough that it was such a bad thing to live life the way I was doing so I ended up changing my ways, learning through my mistakes and trying to be a better person. You see, there’s no written rule about manners and life. It’s like we just know what’s good and bad and we use our better judgment. So when we get insulted, we see it as something negative.

It’s like we’re automatically triggered and we put our foot down trying to defend ourselves and prove them otherwise. But can you imagine how much energy would go to waste? Imagine the drama and emotional terror you’re putting yourself into? There are certain circumstances that you shouldn’t back down especially if it’s right through the heart kind of attacks (but still, use better judgment okay?)

However, when you find yourself in a situation like this. Although hurtful, try your best to rationalize things first. Try not to question your way of life just yet, think things through and don’t react. As much as possible, just let them insult you. Let them insult you ‘cause why not?

Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

It Took All of Me

Let’s just all be brutally honest for once. After my 26th birthday, I was called out for all the bullshit I had said and done 100 years ago and was told off. I was left behind by everyone I stuck up with for more than 10 years and then bahm, I was out.

I didn’t realize until now how strong I have become and how strong I was back then. It took a lot for me emotionally, mentally and physically to stay here. To stay alive. It took me so much energy and pain to be able to stand again.

I thought the world was crumbling down in front of me, I thought I was seriously friendless. I even thought that maybe they’re right, maybe I was such a bad friend, a bad person. But then I realized every good thing that I did, every single time I chose them over a lot of other things, all the times I had sacrificedmyself—simple joys, happiness, food, time, soul, just so I could be with them. For all the times I didn’t enjoy but simply put myself out there because I didn’t wanna miss out, I wanted to be with them. For all the times I didn’t even like myself that much anymore because I felt so drained, I felt really bad for the things I did and said and I didn’t even realize how much it would cost me. Those petty things I did, I didn’t know it would hurt even after 100 years after. But maybe, just maybe, everything needed to happen like that. Everything need to fall apart so I can find all the pieces back.

Everything needed to just breakdown, crumble, torn apart so I can gather all the pieces of me that got lost in the process.

Everything needed to be destroyed so that I can rebuild myself again.

All these things, it took all of me. It took my heart and soul and I can’t say I am whole again. I can’t say I have fully moved on. I can’t say I couldn’t feel bad for everything that happened before because trust me, I do. I still do. I dream about my 2 ex-best friends almost every day. I dream about them being with me, doing the usual stuff that we do. I sometimes still wish we could all go back. But then I have to remind myself time and again, over and over and over and over again that it took all of me just so I could be where I am right now. Just so I could feel what I feel right now.

It took all of me just so I could find myself again.

It took all of me just so I could grow.

Self-Love

After my mini drama of not having a group where I belong, I realized a ton of things.

  1. I do have a group that I belong with.
  2. I don’t need to belong just so I could call myself “happy”.
  3. There’s a lot of self-love reminder that I need to keep telling myself. And I should do it on a daily basis if needed.

The most important thing that I realized though, is that I should carry on without thinking and depending so much on the sense of belongingness in cliques and groups.

I should keep myself in tact not for everyone, not for someone else but for me.

Why do we need to feel that we belong when other people deliberately cuts us off in a group that we try to fit into? Why do we feel like a failure when others tend to make us feel out of place? Why do we feel defeated when other people try to tell us that we’ll get invited to this event or out of town thing only to be left hanging at the last minute? Why is it so important to be part of something when in fact you are not even welcome in it?

I’m done feeling bad for myself when I think of all the times I’ve been cut off, left out of place, unwelcomed. I’m done with having mini dramas and a couple of odd melt downs just because I have to deal with this sort of crisis.

I’m done because I realized that most of the time, as people come and go, as the world falls apart, you only got one person left with you and that person is YOU.

Sure you have family and genuine people that will love and support you all the way but that doesn’t mean that you have to keep depending on these people just so you could be happy. There would be times that you will get disappointed because some people wouldn’t be there for you. Not because they don’t feel like it or they just think that you’re unimportant but because some circumstances may not allow. Like what if they’re at work during your time of need? What if they’re sleeping when you were calling? Stuff like that happens and you end up disappointed especially if you are always prepared to be there for everyone in a whim. However, you can’t be sure that you’ll always always a hundred percent that you’ll be there when they need you right?

So here’s a reminder. You have to be there for yourself. You have to love yourself so much that assurance, gratification and approval of other people wouldn’t be at the top of your list when evaluating happiness and sense of belongingness. When no one else believes in you, instead of feeling like a failure, you have to stand up taller than ever because if there’s someone who needs to believe in your strengths and capabilities, that should be you and you yourself alone. And that’s the most important person that you need in order to stay confident, happy and loved.

Stop trying to put other people as the baseline of your success and happiness. Stop trying to feel sad when you feel like you don’t belong anywhere else. As long as you have yourself intact, everything should be okay.

Here’s How You Will Heal

You may be dealing with a loss, grieving for some kind of tragic experience. You may be facing a death of a loved one, a break up, friendship break up, falling out in a relationship, family arguments, hurtful stuff and the list goes on but during these experiences are when the soils of your life is watered for growth.

Tough times can be extremely draining mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually but these are also the times when you are being nurtured as a person and here’s how you will heal:

  1. Take one step at a time – no healing process is every as quick and easy. It doesn’t happen overnight, so in order to be able to heal properly, you have to take it one day at a time. Little by little until it’s not a struggle anymore.
  2. Recognize all the emotions you’re feeling – you may probably feel the pain, anger, resentment, loneliness, sadness etc. and embrace those feelings without feeling guilty. Welcome these emotions, feel what you need to feel.
  3. Acknowledge hurt and pain – instead of shoving hurt and pain at the backdoor of your mind, allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge the fact that right now, you are feeling hurt and pain but know that it wouldn’t stay for long.
  4. Survive day by day – It could be a day by day struggle but do not lose hope! Face it and survive it no matter how weak or strong you may feel, do it for yourself.
  5. Cry when you need to – crying may cost you time and energy but if you don’t know what to feel anymore and you feel like you need to cry, then cry your damn heart as hard as you could. Crying unburdens you from the heavy load you’re carrying emotionally. It helps.
  6. Appreciate yourself – in tough times, you will doubt yourself more than ever. You’d blame yourself for everything. Avoid doing that by appreciating yourself more. Think of all the good things you did.
  7. Appreciate others – of course, there will be people who will be by your side no matter what. Appreciate them, don’t resent them or push you away. Think of them as gems and precious treasure.
  8. Carry on with your life – after a fall, that’s when you need to be stronger. So after every failure, stand up and carry on with your life. Remember, life goes on and that’s what you need to do—go on with your life.

Let Yourself Move On

After everything, I got lost into my own little world. The world I created trying to shelter myself from too much pain. I created something sturdy for myself, something that will shield me from heartbreak.

I created a new Facebook account and blocked anyone that I don’t want to be part of my new life. I kept mostly to myself in the social media world, just like others, I posted only what’s on the surface. I stopped looking at my instagram feed, afraid that familiar faces might pop and I’ll only get triggered and cry. Allow me to do that for myself because that is how I think would work for me while dealing with the grief and burden.

I resorted to my blog. Wrote my feelings out, interacted a lot only to the people in and around the wordpress world. I stayed out of the zone in real life and only met up with the people that’s really dear to my heart.

I lost track of those who have hurt me and sometimes, I wonder how everything turned out for them but I realized that it’s good to not keep tabs on these people in order for me to fully recover and move on from all these.

Someone asked me if I get bothered by what they say about me. Maybe if I was asked a month or 2 ago, I’d tell you that I’ll be affected. But now, I don’t bother anymore. I also believe that people involved in that drama are over it and wouldn’t talk about me. I believe after all these, they are okay and happy. After all, I was the one left behind right?

So now, I’ll tell you. If you get too bothered about what others think and say, remember that we can only control ourselves. What we think and what we do. We can’t control others just as they can’t control us, so let them be. Let them judge you, say stuff about you, because as far as you know, what they say and do is none of your business just as what you say and do are none of theirs. Because at the end of the day, what they say and do speaks and shows more about them than you. So chill out, get over it, walk past the drama and move on. Though hard at first, you can (fucking) do it!

Turning Things Around

 

“How will I ever get back up from this trauma? How will I ever be okay after all these things happened? How will I ever move on? How will I get over everything when the pain crushed me so hard, my bones shattered inside my body. How?”

The thing about every painful thing that happened to our lives is that it is inevitable. Sadly, everything happens because it’s part of our fate. It’s meant to happen or it happened for a reason that will be for the betterment of ourselves. Sometimes, it’s hard to wrap your head around the idea that something tragic happened to you. Why not anyone else? Why not them instead of me? It’s simply because it is meant for your own growth.

How to turn things around when everything and everyone failed you? When you were pushing towards success but you end up being beaten down almost to your grave. When the betrayal is so damn impossible to believe because these people were your backbone for the longest time! When everything was going so damn well but you blinked your eyes and everything turned into total disaster?! Simple. You pick up everything that was thrown your way. You pick up everything. You pick up the shit and gems that have been thrown in your face and use it as the main substance that will help you grow into something better. Better than the people who tried to destroy you, better than yourself. Use everything for your own well-being and turn it all around. When you get shit, turn it into something important to you. Turn it into your own advantage. This is your chance to turn bad situations into opportunities. Into windows of learning and growth.

Because if things are meant to destroy you, then the more you should be able to counter it by using it into your advantage. Do not let anyone destroy you or dull your sparkle. Do not let anyone kill you inside. Do not let yourself be broken for so long. Cause trust me, you deserve better than all the crap the world has to offer.