Let It Go, Let It Gooooo

Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!

My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)

I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.

Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?

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How Emo is My Soul?

Let’s look inside me, let’s see what gives me nightmares if not every night at least twice a week, let’s check what gives me heartaches, let’s see what’s up. What really is up inside my core.

I have long forgotten to ask. Somehow I have convinced myself that I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay, I really am. I function every day, my immune system is even stronger than it has ever been, my mental health is a-okay, everything is good nowadays when it comes to my emotions and my mental state. I don’t think I’m ill, I don’t think depression will win over me, I don’t think anxiety will come knocking on my door yet again anytime soon.

I tried as much as I can to let go and move on. After all, it’s a win-win situation. I’d like to believe that I also won, I know I won somehow. They also did, somehow. They may probably even feel more successful than ever because they got rid of me, like a stinky cat no one likes to bring under their wings. Like a stray dog they can just bring into the woods and accidentally get lost. Like an old crafting material, not as shiny, not as useful. Somehow, I felt abandoned and no one likes that feeling.

You, you and you, you may have been hurt but you have never felt the pain of being abandoned. For crying out loud, I want to pull my own hair for again, writing about this. But the more painful thing, something more pathetic is the fact that I still feel this pain. Will this be forever painful? Will I still feel a pinch somewhere inside me when I think about it?

While I was taking a bath this morning, I thought about the other people in the circle of friends I have left. I thought of those not involved. I thought of them and I wondered why they never thought of me? No one even bothered to ask how I was feeling. No one even took their time to write me something, not even a single soul. I tried to rip everything that I can from my tiny little broken soul just so I couldn’t feel the pain, just so I don’t keep hurting myself by just thinking about them but. I can’t. It’s hard.

Why didn’t you even bother asking me if I am in any way “okay”? Why didn’t you even think of me?

And why do I still bother asking these questions?

Inside Aila’s Life Day in Day Out

Why do I write so often? As in everyday, may posts ako siguro 1 to 3 posts a day? How do I do that? Kahit hindi naman ako sikat na blogger sadyang ang dami ko lang sinasabi lagi HAH!

Hi guys! Here are several reasons why I can write so many posts or how I can write daily (except on weekends)

  • I don’t have many friends I can talk to on a daily basis. So I end up writing everything that I could have told a real life person. (sad nu hahaha chos)
  • I think about a lot of random things and I want to share it with other people but I don’t have anyone aside from Kyx and my mama who would listen to all of those random thoughts so I end up writing it here on my blog hehe.
  • I work as an in-house copywriter. I write a whole lot of contents for newspaper, social media, magazine and all that. No one bothers me in the office, not so much. So when I get burned out, I’ll write something using MS Word and people still think I’m working on an article hahahaha ‘kala niyo ang dami kong time ‘no? HAHAHA! ßeto talaga yung reason kung bakit nakakapagsulat ako ng madalas sa blog eh. Sana hindi mabasa ng officemates ko. If mabasa niyo, guys ginagawa ko naman work ko eh. Sadyang need lang ng break daily diba? LELS. Hahaha
  • I am very very quiet in real life. Especially in the office. Backstory: it took me a good 6 months before I warmed up to my officemates. They are very friendly and warm, when I was new here, a lot of other people are also new (so hindi ka ma-OP talaga diba) but I am very distant. I don’t talk to them unless I need to or they need something from me, I don’t eat lunch with them, it’s either I wait for all of them to finish eating before I eat or I wait for Kyx’s lunch break (dati same building kami nung nag-ooffice pa si Kyx) Now, I talk to my officemates and I eat lunch with them. I’m also a bit talkative now but really, I’m a quiet and shy type of person MEHEHE. I only ever unleash my mind and soul here on my blog, dito nabubuhos.
  • I find it hard to speak. I am an awkward person and conversations in real life kinda make me cringe so as best as I could, I communicate with my office mates through chat or emails HAHAAH. So maybe, I write a lot cause this is the only space I have wherein I can talk wholeheartedly? And twitter!!

You’re Going To Be Okay

In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.

Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on. 

You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.

“I Belong”

Over the course of time, over the years, I created my own world while making myself belong to a small group. When that failed me, I lost that group and was dumbfounded to realize that I didn’t belong anywhere else!

I have a bunch of other small circles but I’m not a solid part of it. It’s like I’m just there for a wee bit but when all else fails, I don’t get to be remembered simply because I don’t truly belong there.

Maybe it was my fault. I succumb to the world I created for many many years without realizing that losing those people would make me feel like I don’t get to go anywhere else.

It’s hard to try to fit in on a spot you didn’t have in the first place now that you’re 26—that’s my thought all day everyday. Then I realized, why do I even try. To be honest, at 26 years old, I shouldn’t bother anymore.

Back In My Element

 

Maybe the Mercury retrograde is over and I’m glad it is! I figured it has a lot to do with the way things were for me and I just can’t thank the universe enough for freeing me!

Here’s what I am doing now after all the shit I have been through:

  • I wasn’t able to paint for a month and that’s what I’ll be doing in the next couple of days. I owe myself the art I am passionate about. Can’t wait also to use 2 sets of my new brushes that I’ve only used once!
  • I also have written good things now. Like finally, a breath of fresh air! I have been suffocated from the anger and sadness and now, it’s time for a change.
  • I was able to start and (so far) maintain the bullet journal I have for about 2 weeks now. It’s helping me get things done and keeping me hopeful and inspired daily.
  • I have been blog reading again and soon enough I get to your blog slowly but surely. I haven’t read the blogs of my friends here on wordpress that I usually read. I lost track of Liezel the amazing dog from owning a dog with anxiety , I wasn’t able to read Anaida’s very helpful entries, I wasn’t able to check Lu’s art and amaaaaaazing written insights and I’ve missed out on a lot! Also, wasn’t able to read about Kendall’s life which I usually read! Bharath’s life and stories, I wasn’t able to read the ever supportive The Syntax of Things Blog as well and a whole lot more from my friends. I owe you guys and thanks for being patient with me. Thanks also for being there for me when I needed support and encouragement.

 

I have also been more focused on my work and I follow my own strict schedule which is good news! Lels.

Overall, I’m back in my element and nothing feels more refreshing than this!