You’re Going To Be Okay

In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.

Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on. 

You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.

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“I Belong”

Over the course of time, over the years, I created my own world while making myself belong to a small group. When that failed me, I lost that group and was dumbfounded to realize that I didn’t belong anywhere else!

I have a bunch of other small circles but I’m not a solid part of it. It’s like I’m just there for a wee bit but when all else fails, I don’t get to be remembered simply because I don’t truly belong there.

Maybe it was my fault. I succumb to the world I created for many many years without realizing that losing those people would make me feel like I don’t get to go anywhere else.

It’s hard to try to fit in on a spot you didn’t have in the first place now that you’re 26—that’s my thought all day everyday. Then I realized, why do I even try. To be honest, at 26 years old, I shouldn’t bother anymore.

Back In My Element

 

Maybe the Mercury retrograde is over and I’m glad it is! I figured it has a lot to do with the way things were for me and I just can’t thank the universe enough for freeing me!

Here’s what I am doing now after all the shit I have been through:

  • I wasn’t able to paint for a month and that’s what I’ll be doing in the next couple of days. I owe myself the art I am passionate about. Can’t wait also to use 2 sets of my new brushes that I’ve only used once!
  • I also have written good things now. Like finally, a breath of fresh air! I have been suffocated from the anger and sadness and now, it’s time for a change.
  • I was able to start and (so far) maintain the bullet journal I have for about 2 weeks now. It’s helping me get things done and keeping me hopeful and inspired daily.
  • I have been blog reading again and soon enough I get to your blog slowly but surely. I haven’t read the blogs of my friends here on wordpress that I usually read. I lost track of Liezel the amazing dog from owning a dog with anxiety , I wasn’t able to read Anaida’s very helpful entries, I wasn’t able to check Lu’s art and amaaaaaazing written insights and I’ve missed out on a lot! Also, wasn’t able to read about Kendall’s life which I usually read! Bharath’s life and stories, I wasn’t able to read the ever supportive The Syntax of Things Blog as well and a whole lot more from my friends. I owe you guys and thanks for being patient with me. Thanks also for being there for me when I needed support and encouragement.

 

I have also been more focused on my work and I follow my own strict schedule which is good news! Lels.

Overall, I’m back in my element and nothing feels more refreshing than this!

I Still Believe in Goodness

What have I learned from my recent traumatic experience and what should I value in this experience? I guess it’s the faith and belief that no matter how bad a person can be, you should still see the goodness in them. There’s still kindness in their hearts and it doesn’t mean that they will carry on to be a mean person.

Just like as I am now.

Honestly, there is a lot of learning I should take from this experience but the main part which I am thankful for is how I learned to forgive myself through this “battle”.

I was sick with guilt from how I was, how I treated other people and what I say about them. I didn’t see myself that bad and felt it was normal, like everyone is doing it and at least, that’s from my point of view. I still think everyone does it but I am not justifying my actions, just saying. Everyone has been a mean person, said a lot of hideous things and made bad decisions, but that’s how you’ll learn and that’s how I did. I used my energy crying my heart out and replaying everything as much as I can until I fall asleep. I was almost eaten whole by my guilt. I realized how stuck I was, how much shit I have taken and how much shit I’ve given and that’s when I learned to forgive myself. I rolled on with the punches and took everything I can, I blamed myself for the bad things I have done and instead of being lonely and week, I felt strong and hopeful. Finally, I have learned to fully embrace my flaws. Everything ugly about me and my past, I learned to accept it and use it to be able to move forward. It could be one of the hardest things but I did it, I forgave myself.

After several phases of my grief, anger and denial, I came to the acceptance part and though I am not sure if I can say that I have fully accepted my fate, I was able to forgive everyone who caused me so much hurt.

People can say whatever the hell they want and think what they want but aside from the fact that I may sound like an idiot right now after a few angry blog posts and sad thoughts, I came to forgive these people.

Why? Because I believe in goodness. I’ve known these people since I was 11 years old, one since I was 14 and I can say that no matter how badly things ended, I know that they are good people.

There could be a lot of reasons as to why they did that and it doesn’t matter anymore. The thing that matters the most is that despite everything, they have been kind and good at some point in their lives and I know they will be even better people than they have been few weeks ago.

1 Month

I cannot believe that a lot could happen in a month’s time! This is where I’d say “what a roller coaster ride it has been!” and truly, it was filled with ups and downs and a dozen of tumbles and turns! My oh my, I can’t even explain how everything happened THAT fast but there’s so much to take away from bad and good experiences and I’ve got a ton in my pocket right now.

One month ago, I was slapped with the whole reality worth of more than 10 years of friendship and no that’s not something I regret, in fact I am happy it all happened. It just proved a lot of things about the universe and how life works:

  • A person can have a full 360 degree turn because the universe wanted change.
  • I do not know who I was 1 month ago. I keep on learning new things about myself now!
  • A LOT HAS CHANGED and my soul included.
  • You get to roll with the bad stuff first but see the good afterwards.
  • The tunnel is LOOOOOONG and dark but there’s a light in the end of it.
  • You get to learn the things you need to work on and you do your best to work on it for a better version of yourself.
  • When a lot is lost, a lot is gained. You just have to look at the right things at the right time.
  • There are a lot of things, a lot of people you missed to appreciate because you were too busy trying to appreciate other things that you fail to see what really matters.
  • There’s so much hatred in this cruel world but there’s a lot of love to compensate it anyway.
  • If you fight hate with hate, you will lose. If you fight hate with love, hatred ends and both can move forward.
  • Sometimes, people fail to see the bigger picture because they are too blinded with hurt and that’s not a totally bad thing. It’s just something you want to change moving forward.
  • Words, when spoken cannot be taken back. Always be careful with what you say even if you think it shouldn’t hurt others. Cause it might hurt them.
  • No matter how long a time ago it was, if it matters for other people, respect it.
  • Some friendships end and it hurts but if it’s necessary, then accept it and move forward.
  • Friendship is deeper than how you think it is. It is bigger than what your heart can give.

Time and time again, it hurts to just think how it all happened so fast but I keep holding on to the fact that everything happens for a reason, that those who are meant to stay will stay and that everything is but a learning experience so I would be able to appreciate the fullness of life and it all goes better.

They say “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got” and I think it rings true to how I feel right now. Despite all these, forgiveness is the most important thing I can give myself and other people.

I still believe in goodness and kindness. Even if there are a lot of bad things going on in our lives, even if there have been a few hiccups, you can’t blame a bad situation to a person because more often than not, bad endings are just a result of emotional outbursts. People do not always mean what they say especially when they’re angry. People do not always mean harm especially when they’re hurt. People do not mean a lot of things and this is one of those.

After forgiving myself, I have forgiven everyone else. Though I feel like I may have a few more hiccups as life turns, I’ll be okay.

Live. Let Live. Let Go, Let God.

Xox, T.

Some Random Stuff

 

I feel like I have been so stressed out on my birth month and surprisingly, I still don’t find the need to dread my birthday. I have finally overcome the birthday blues I’ve had for years.

Back to my stress. Now, since being stressed is my thing for a month now, I have to deal with pimples and break outs. My god. Like I don’t even know where to start! I have really bad acne now and I never had to deal with this before that my 15 year old self is actually confused right now. LOL. I don’t know how to prevent it but I guess I need to visit my dermatologist soon!

Also, I got my “Always and Forever Lara Jean” by Jenny Han!!! I was so excited that I had to call the bookstore nearest to my house and took it! Ahhh!

I’ve started reading it but right now, I had to slow down cause there’s so many things going on in my life I don’t have enough time to dilly dally.

Also, I’ve still been receiving messages of encouragements and I can’t help it but my heart is really happy right now!

I’ll be back for blog hopping soon. I haven’t read your blogs for I think 3 weeks now! I have a lot of catching up to do! Aha

XOX, T.