Empaths

Empaths are people who can sense subtle energies and are able to absorb it from the surroundings, environment and people. In short, empaths are those who can absorb your energy and have a hard time peeling it away from their own energy.

I am an empath and being one may feel like a curse sometimes. I absorb other people’s emotions. If a friend tells me she’s said and is in pain, I would become sad and it’s as if I was gutted the same way that particular friend feels!

Last night, a close friend of mine is sad and you can feel her emotions from miles away (all thanks to social media lels) it’s the kind of sad that is empty and painful. It’s the kind of sad that you want to talk to someone about it but you can’t because you don’t know where and how to start. It’s the kind of sad that’s too painful to put into words and too mainstream to cry about. That kind of sad.

And last night, I absorbed “that kind of sad” and I don’t know what to do. I just tried washing it off with an episode or two of Desperate Housewives and can’t decide whether to snack on Lays, Apple Crisps or Banana bread? Hayyy sometimes I have so many emotions which are not healthy to carry as baggage anymore.

I just wish my friend feels better (I bought her a pack of cookies huhu) and I hope we empaths could handle shit better.

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Working on Choosing My Battles

One of the many things I’ve learned to do (still on the process of mastering it) is choosing my battles wisely. It’s far from easy and I guess it will forever be hard especially for someone like me—an overly emotional INFJ who feels so much more than I should.

I am taking one baby step after another so I still kind of really feel bad when people are rude and especially mean to me but instead of showing them they affect me and let them know that I am thinking every second, stressing myself and over analyzing every single detail, I keep it to myself because I wouldn’t give these people the satisfaction of knowing that I cared enough to feel bad.

So I guess I still am far from really being able to choose my battles wisely because I still feel bad right? But I’m happy I can already control how I act towards unsettling situations!

Me Time

Blog readers aka blogging friends and some of you guys who randomly visit my page may know that I haven’t been writing as much as I was a year ago. I’m going to be honest and I guess you guys deserve an explanation (I think I explained it before but not thoroughly)

  • Work is toxic ever since December but it became super kaduper toxic when 2018 started and it only got worst. March was the start of me—being miserable. I work late, I work on my day offs, I work at home and it’s a sad sad feeling although I don’t have a choice because if I delay working on stuff, I will also be the one who suffers in the end. I swear it’s so toxic right now. Mas toxic pa compared to kapag kumain ako ng pulbura at asido.
  • I have been trying to work on myself. There are a lot of things about me that I need to work on. My physical, mental and emotional health. Since April 2017, I developed bad acne. It was the first time I experienced it and it was all triggered by a stressful event in my life followed by allergies and whatnot. After acne problems, I gained SO MUCH weight as in umabot ako sa 71kg!!! It’s insane. So I had to go on a strict diet (that I still can’t even maintain until now) I am a yogi (haven’t done yoga for 3 weeks, I am so guilty). On October 2017, I tried Herbalife (still taking Herbalife products) and I must say it helped a lot jumpstart my weight loss but it hasn’t done much since I am not maintaining a strict diet. Then by March 2017 (I think) I started boxing at Elorde. I managed to maintain the weight I am in (I have lost 2-3kg I think ever since Herbalife and boxing) but I still need to work harder though. For mental and emotional health, as much as I can, I avoid human interaction that will overwhelm me. I am an INFJ (but let’s not blame my personality type lol) so I don’t mesh well with big crowds, I try my hardest to join in conversations and whatnot but in the end, I get so drained or I get lost in the middle of the conversation. It’s nothing personal and my friends can attest to that. I just don’t do well enough in human interaction on a regular basis, that’s all. I mean I am not anti-social, don’t get me wrong. I just need time to energize myself so that I can give my 100% afterwards. Heh.
  • I spend a good amount of time on twitter (and on IG) so you can go follow me there (twitter: xoxthea ; IG: xoxaila) instead. I interact with no problems in that universe.
  • I also spend a good amount of my time watching anime and reading books. I am currently watching Haikyuu!! And reading Stay Sweet (I finished Crazy Rich Asians and Idk what to feel about the book. ) after watching and reading, I don’t have enough time to write. Huhu
  • I also focused on my bullet journal although it’s not even instagrammable like may bu-journalists out there but I love creating my own minimalist layouts so that’s one thing.
  • On another note, I felt uninspired lately. Maybe because I was already too drained at work to even feel sunshine-y about writing cause that’s what I do on a daily basis for work. Huuu

I guess that’s it! I have just been too caught up with life that I have not been writing. But ya know, I try my best anyway. I’ll keep trying.

 

Long Weekend at Nueva Ecija

I am trying to recount everything I did for the past weeks of not writing about it so watch out for my kwentos. For now, I’ll write about how I spent my long weekend.

May 11, Friday –  Another gruelling 3hrs meeting. I’d like to think this is relevant and helps in people’s efficiency. Dax (our shi tzu) and Kyx came to pick me up from work only to wait for about 2 hours. I think they enjoyed themselves naman while Dax is people watching at the parking lot heh.

Came home pretty late. Packed our stuff and watched Haikyuu!! (“Haikyuu!!” is an anime. And yes it comes with 2 exclamation points haha)

May 12, Saturday – Kyx’s parents, Kyx and I drove to Nueva Ecija. We left Manila at around 4am and arrived a little after 7am. We ate breakfast and I took a nap afterwards. Woke up for lunch and went for an afternoon swim. It rained pretty hard and the water has gone cold so we stopped swimming hahah. Kyx’s tolerance for cold water is very low so we opted to watch more Haikyuu!! While waiting for dinner.

May 13, Sunday – HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! I drank my breakfast smoothie and attempted to do yoga but instead, I read the new book of Siobhan Vivian called Stay Sweet. After breakfast, Kyx, CJ and I went to the market cause I am craving for inihaw na liempo. We bought ingredients and then marinated it as soon as we got home, ate lunch, went for a swim and cooked our liempo for dinner!

After dinner, we stayed up until midnight watching Haikyuu!! Hahaha

May 14, Monday – woke up and watched Haikyuu!! Then ate breakfast. We weren’t able to swim anymore because they are cleaning the pool already, drained the water while Dax had his bath inside the pool hahahaha. We went home a little after lunch and man oh man was the weather insanely HOT.

We cooked some more liempo, had dinner and then watched a few movies after.

This long weekend was pretty monotonous, uneventful but I LOVED IT.

Things I love at Kyx’s family place at Nueva Ecija

  • I love the hammock (yes beshie, kinaya ako ng hammock diba ang saya) while reading a good book!
  • I love the swimming pool that no one actually ever use so when Kyx and I are there, we take full advantage of it (by FULL advantage I meant 2 hrs pool time because the water gets cold easily and it gets to be a bore kapag kaming dalawa lang)
  • I love how peaceful it is there.

I plan on spending more of my long offs there. If not, at home. I love just being at peace with myself. I will edit this and put the photos we took while we were there.

Getting Out of That Slump!

The end of February and the start of March were not easy for me. I am in constant battle with myself, struggling to be okay and normal. Maybe I was in social gatherings way too often than I would have wanted so I guess I craved time for myself that detaching and isolation is best for me when things get a little crazy on the inside. I mean I have no problem socializing and if you met me in person, you wouldn’t think I loved being alone. I can also be clingy and needy at times then there would be moments that I am out of the loop, that I don’t exist. It’s me and my energy. And again, detaching and isolating myself do not mean that I don’t like to be part of a group anymore or that I don’t like the company of others. I’m just that kind of person or maybe, I don’t like myself a lot in times when I don’t talk to anyone.

I only ever talk to Kyx and we’d always find our way into arguing about something. Is Mercury in retrograde again or is it just me being me?

If you saw me being all sociable and being present in social gatherings, expect not to hear from me for days or weeks. Normal ko yun.

I just wish I can go back to talking more and writing more. Idk.

Regarding my previous post, the only thing I can think of to just get out of the current slump I am is to do the following:

  • Usually, I get home at around 7:45 in the evening. After tea, I would do Yoga and skincare while watching Scandal.
  • I’d probably inject a chapter or 2 of a book before heading to bed.
  • I’d schedule my watercolour practice on Thursday or Friday nights every week.

I guess this is the first step in moving forward instead of allowing myself to get stuck. What do you think?

“God Doesn’t See Me”

Mga hanash ko, drama at iba pang nasa loob ng isip ko. I didn’t even try na ayusin ang composition ko dito. Raw and full of emotions. Bear with me he he he hehehe


I’ve been putting this off for a while that’s why I haven’t been really on the loop. That’s the introvert in me working and it has been like this for me in the past weeks. Okay so klaruhin muna natin, being an introvert doesn’t mean I have to be quiet and shy all the freaking time especially when I like the company of the people I am with however, I don’t always get to be like that because most of the time, I recharge myself. Sa sobrang daming ganap ng life ko, I don’t think I have a lot of energy to socialize and communicate etc etc. Also, don’t tell me who I am. Thank you.

Okay so going back, I have a lot on my plate both work wise, personal wise, family wise, relationship wise, lahat na. At work, though I finished everything before Christmas, we still have to crunch because there are people who will go on leave, on vacation and I need to check their work so ang daming deadlines nila na kailangan ko din habulin and it’s so stressful to be honest. Family wise, you don’t have any idea how much bullshit I have to go through to the levels na gusto namin mag-hibernate ni mama because life at home is stressful. Magpapasko nalang puro pa kabullshitan ang ganap hence the Baguio trip that we had last 21st of December with my aunt (mom’s sister) I was so happy that I chose to go on this trip (kahit hindi ako bayad from 21 until Pasko) because I got to spend more time with my mom, aunt, cousins, nephews and of course, my maarte sister. We don’t go on trips a lot kasi mej praning mom ko sa mga biyahe, she doesn’t like to travel or go on adventures so this out of town trip is one for the books dahil looking forward mom ko dito. Relationship wise, I didn’t have a lot of time for Kyx kasi we were both so busy with all the ganap in life. Siya busy with work, although I get to see him every day naman, but I only get to spend time with him when we’re stuck in traffic pero when we get home, I do my thing (yoga, skincare) then I go to bed immediately. Wala na kaming time for lambingan and all that kasi pagoda tragedy talaga ako nakakaloka.

Like what I said, I enjoyed the Baguio trip so much. Ultimate bonding experience with mom and my aunt’s family, super close kasi kami so it wasn’t awkward, talagang enjoy lang. But I can’t fully enjoy as in yung masaya pati heart and soul ko kasi on the 21st, the brother of my gramps, tatay Zosing, passed away at around 5 in the afternoon. We were on our way to Baguio and I got a call from my dad saying that tatay passed away—that meant he was gone right? That meant I have to let him go and that meant I have to keep my tears from falling because I want to be strong for my dad, for my family. I was sitting idly and I was trying so hard to hold back tears, my stomach clenched and my chest felt so heavy. ANG LALA.

Papa: Anak, kumain ka na ba? Nasan ka?

Me: On the way po sa Baguio with mama.

Papa: Ganon ba Anak? Ingat kayo ni mama mo. Anak, si tatay kasi, wala na siya. Wala na ang tiyo zosing kaninang 5pm.

Me: Ganon po ba pa? Ang lungkot naman po. Huling kita na pala namin ng tatay nung pista.

Papa: Oo nga eh. Ganon talaga anak. Sige, tatawag nalang ako ulit, asikasuhin ko lang muna ditto.

*poker face*

When I hid my phone, my mom immediately said “wala na ang tatay?” I just nodded and tried to sleep.

**tagalog incoming**

Hindi ko alam ano yung mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o magpapasalamat ba ako sa Diyos na at least, wala nang hirap na mararamdaman yung lolo ko? Ang sakit kasi naaalala ko kung gaano ako minahal non. Kahit apo lang niya ako sa pamangkin niya (pamangkin niya si papa) sobrang mahal ako nung taong yun. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita kasi nasa Batangas sila, hiwalay parents ko, nasa Manila ako, nagkaron pa ng hidwaan sila ng lolo ko (tatay ng papa ko) so ang hirap na wala kaming communication. Napakasakit kasi ang daming oras ang nasayang na hindi kami nagkita at nagkausap manlang eh. Nung umuwi ako sa Batangas nung piyesta sa Nasugbu, nasa ospital na siya at dinalaw ko siya. Huling kita na pala namin yun. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit sakit sakin kasi ayaw ko naman na magalala din si mama sakin. Alam mo yun? Yung tangina nung nararamdaman ko pero di ko malabas kasi wala sa lugar??? Di ko alam. Siguro ako lang to ganon, pero wag niyo sabihin sakin kung paano ako dapat umarte, paano ko maramdaman yung nararamdaman ko and yung ano yung dapat na ginawa ko kasi hindi naman kayo yung nasa posisyon ko.

**

I was losing it but that’s the thing with people like me, we don’t show it as it is. We try to shrug it off as if we’re okay but in reality, we’re going through a rough time and we just choose to keep it because that’s how we cope with our problems. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang ipakita sa inyo kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na “okay lang yan” kasi hindi okay. Hindi talaga okay. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na pinagdaanan na yan ng maraming tao, kaya kaya mo din yan kasi kahit kaya ko, magkaiba kami nung taong yun. Magkaiba kami ng personal experiences at ng way kung paano mag-deal sa problems. -_-

So ayun na nga. Sobrang dami kong hanash kasi I never liked celebrating the Holidays kasi every year, it doesn’t feel like I have the right to do so. 4 years na kaming ganito, na may namamatay before, after, Christmas and New Year. I know that it’s not about me, my feelings and my family pero the Holidays is not about just faking to be happy and making beso with relatives that do not even care about me. I just don’t like it.

Kahit nung wala pang mga namamatay sa family namin in that time of the year, ayoko talaga ng Pasko because it’s lonely for me. It reminds me of the lonelye feeling I had when my mom was still in Dubai. She’s not home for Christmas kasi she chooses to be on vacation kapag vacation din namin sa school so birthday ko yun lagi na nandito siya and I’d rather want that than to have her celebrate Christmas with us. Matagal siyang wala for Christmas. 10 years kaming nagpapasko na wala siya so I never liked it, I never felt festive. Pinamumudmuran kami ng pera at regalo ng mga kapamilya namin (I’m not complaining) but it’s not what Christmas means for me. Hindi ako naging mahilig sa pera at regalo because I always loved simple celebrations with mama, kaya yung mga gifts, it’s not something I would choose over my mom, or my family. Ayoko mag-emo shit or magsira ng Christmas mood niyo kaya sinulat ko to after Christmas na.

Ilang pasko pa ba yung ganito para sakin at sa pamilya ko?

Yesterday, Christmas (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) I was having a breakdown. Ang daming masasakit na ganap sa buhay ko, sa lahat lahat tuwing Pasko tapos ngayon sobrang whoooo di ko na kaya. So I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Kyx was comforting me and one thing I loved about the way he comforted me was that he’s not confused. He knows exactly what I’m going through and why I am acting the way I am kaya he’s just there, trying to calm me down. Then I blurted out

“God doesn’t see me. I am suffering, my family is suffering and I just want to feel comforted, I want to be assured that things are happening because it has a greater purpose and not because I am cursed. I feel like God does not see me anymore”

then Kyx started to cry. He told me that God sees me and that even though I am suffering, I am not alone.

“You’re suffering, nahihirapan ka pero tignan mo ako. Di ba nandito din ako? Nahihirapan din ako ‘pag nahihirapan ka. You’re not alone, Ddear. And God sees you! He has plans for you, for us. Don’t ever think that he doesn’t see you and doesn’t want you to be comforted. God is rooting for you.”

So ayan, nagiyakan kami after ng “God doeasn’t see me” hanash ko.

Pero aside sa mga hanash kong ito, I am still grateful. Kahit ang daming painful memories ng pasko at bagong taon para sakin, I am still blessed to have my mom, my sister, Kyx, my friends, my family and people close to me, pati na rin ang mga TFIOB friends ko. I am grateful that despite every shit I have to go through, I still have people who will support me and go through hell and back with and for me. So in a nut shell, laban lang!

Let It Go, Let It Gooooo

Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!

My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)

I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.

Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?