Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.

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The More They Bring You Down, The More You Rise Above

Ever felt like when people try to bring you down, destroy you and make you feel so little. Break you and leave you with so much hurt in your heart, pain in everything, that’s when He actually lifts you up and that’s when you elevate yourself even more?

I was talking to Kyx about how everything that has been painful made me a better person. I mean I’m not saying this because I want to be inspirational. I’m saying this because I have proven this to myself. They say pain makes you stronger and who would have thought that it really is true? I always thought of these clichés as things other people wanted to tell us so we could feel better and less shitty but I was wrong. Maybe it really does make us feel better and less shitty but for the most part, it makes us get up every single time we get knocked down. Only the first fall hurts so much, when you fall again, you’d be so much stronger that you wouldn’t even think of it as a painful fall anymore.

I didn’t know that at the age of 26, I’d still be capable of losing friends whom I have known for 15 long years! It’s even more than half of my life right? Imagine how painful it was for me. I am a very soft person and I cry over the slightest, littlest of things. Imagine how big of a deal it was. I wasn’t like “okay guys, fuck it, I’m over it”. It was more of feeling so terrible, it was even worse than a boyfriend break-up mind you.

But I realized sooner than I expected to do so, how much I have gained after the loss. And that’s what happens when you go so fucking low, instead of sinking, you get to rise above it all. Pain and hurt only a memory and learning. There’s no way but up they said, and that’s what happened.

Whenever people try to put you down and hurt you, the universe conspires to help you in all ways it can. He lifts you up in the most unexpected moments. So the next time people out you through so much pain, be prepared to get over it and rise above.

The Things You Endure for Being Soft-Hearted

We’ve heard it all before, being kind and soft-hearted is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a gift that not many people have but it’s a burden to live with.

Being soft-hearted puts you in the position of so much hurt and pain but you endure and live with it as much as you can because most of the time, other people’s happiness is more important than your own. Other people’s happiness is your own happiness.

You always give people so many chances they don’t even deserve in the first place. You let them trample upon you because you are the one who understands more. You’re willing to be torn apart because other people may not be able to carry it out well had they been the one torn apart. You cry in silence with no one to console you but you make your best efforts to be there for other people even if they weren’t there to comfort you in your time of need.

You love other people so much but you end up being hurt by them. They cause you pain yet you allow them inside your heart over and over again. You try your best to be the best for others, the one they need but who else is there for you after it?

Your Beauty Doesn’t Shield You From Being Heartbroken

It Has Nothing To Do With Your Physical Attributes

One of the many arguments I have is that when people get their hearts broken, everyone around them would poke a pitchfork around blurting some nonsense about physical attributes. Many times I have heard these things and I still find it annoying and irritating.

“You’re beautiful, a lot of men would fall for you. You don’t need that guy”

“That guy is so ugly. You don’t have anything to lose.”

“That girl is not “all that”—you’d find someone prettier”

“Why did he break my heart? Am I ugly? Am I not pretty enough?”

Those are just a couple of things we hear (and might say ourselves) too often than not and I just don’t get it. I don’t get why it always had to come down to physical attributes when in fact it shouldn’t be like that. The physical attributes has nothing to do with the success and failure of a relationship. It has nothing to do with broken hearts and broken promises. It has nothing to do with being left behind and leaving someone behind. There are more in depth realities and we have to embrace it wholeheartedly. Like I said, the truth hurts but that’s not something we should always be afraid of. The truth is a slap that maybe, you deserve every once in a while right? The truth of the matter is that being beautiful will not mean you won’t get your heart broken, being hot and sexy doesn’t mean you will stay happy in a relationship. It basically HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW YOU LOOK LIKE, OKAY?

The thing is, in this life, we get what we deserve, we get what was written in our fate and we may change it, we may not. We get hurt, we end up happy, we reach success, we gain friends, we lose people, we have enemies, people don’t like us, people like us, we are loved, we are hated and that goes for everyone else. Everything will happen to you gradually or all at once but it happens because it is human nature. We have to battle every demon in our lives and that’s how it should be. So shut up already with the looks comments and remarks. It really has nothing to do with every fucking hurting thing that we will experience.

For Once, Just Once

For once I want to be someone who is selfish and not think of you all the time.

For once I want my decisions to be my own and not decisions I made because I took you in consideration.

For once I want to feel how it is to be free from myself and not associate it with you.

For once I want to do whatever the heck I want without thinking if this will hurt you or not.

For once I want to be someone who is alone with no one else to think about.

For once I want to jump right in. Dive head first to things without thinking of anybody.

For once I want to just build my own wall without having to break it all over again to pieces just to let someone like you in.

For once, just once, I want to be nobody’s. I want to be nobody’s, not even my own.

For once, this once I want to free my soul from everything, anything.

For once, just once. Just this one time, I want to break away, move on and walk out from everything, everyone.

For once, just once.