“It’s Not What You Said, It’s How You Delivered It”

More often than not, mas nakakainis yung how you said it compared to what it was that you said. I hate pa-angas and defensive tones especially if I am not even trying to pick a fight but during my teenage years, ganyan din ako.

I used to have a problem with my intonation. I come off as defensive and angry because of wanting to explain agad agad without even thinking twice. Even though most of the time, I wasn’t even trying to be disrespectful (most of the time lang kasi minsan bastos talaga yung goal ko sarreh—teeanger eh hahaha) It is important to note that this is a case to case basis, it’s not like I do this to everyone. I think (mas nakakaguilty pero) I only talk like this with my Family and Kyx. Siyempre now, I don’t  mean to disrespect, it’s just that I am so emotional and I let them see my emotions. Walang keme and that’s why nagiging ganyan yung tono ko. Hindi ko na kasi iniisip mabuti because I am just this genuine person na what you see is what you get (sa family and kay Kyx only take note because, 1. I don’t talk to a lot of people 2. Most of the time wala akong pakielam sa mga ibang taong nasa paligid, what they think of me what they say about me so kebs lang. 3. I don’t like explaining myself to people I don’t care about) kaya this is where the conflict comes.

On my formative years, andiyan talaga yung sermon but now that I am an adult, my mom understands that I am just snappy sometimes. Kyx also knows that pero he can’t help but tell me that I always sound as if I am picking a fight (kapag may temper issues nang nagaganap haha) So to avoid conflict, I worked hard on my intonation. It was very challenging kasi it’s like working on something on live television. No cuts, no practice, no nothing. You get your “practice” in a real scenario kaya it was hard. Lalo na I don’t have much patience sa mga bagay na nakakainis talaga. But here are my (unsolicited) tips on how you can work on your tone and be more chillax (if you’re someone like me na ma-emosyon at hindi mapigilan mapa-angil minsan)

  1. Breathe in, breathe out. This is not easy to do especially if you’re being triggered or challenged by someone or something so annoying. But when you just breathe for 5 to 10 seconds without talking, you’ll calm yourself in no time (case to case basis; depende sa sitwasyon but most of the time, this works)
  2. If you feel like someone is triggering you, wag ka mag-trigger agad agad. Just like what my lola would tell me “wag ka makinig sa debil” (don’t listen to the devil) do everything to shut it out and not let it get on to your nerves. When you let it happen, panalo si debil. **Backstory: when my brother, Theo and I are younger—he would often tease me and pick a fight. Sadyang manunukso talaga, ako naman patola and iyakin so to console me, my Lola would tell me not to listen to the devil—my brother HAHAHA)
  3. Choose your battles. Kahit saang situation, napapasok talaga ito eh. Weigh the situation, weigh the people involved. You should know if it’s worth it. If not, don’t waste your time and energy involving yourself in useless drama.
  4. If you need to answer or defend yourself in a way, do it in a civilized manner. This is hard especially for someone like me who is terribly emotional but you have to make sure to calm yourself before opening your mouth. You don’t want to regret anything do you?
  5. There’s always a better way to communicate. Siyempre not all situations will fit this perfectly, but as long as you can communicate properly, yun nalang ang mas piliin.

When it comes to family and Kyx, I am not one to just “walk away” to a conflict. I completely involve myself kaya walking away from conflict talaga is not applicable with me. At 26, kinakain pa rin ako ng emotions ko and I let things get to me lalo na pag family and relationships ang involved. But as they say, every drama, every day is an opportunity for growth and learning. (in reference to number 3)

I am not an expert but most of the time; I can control my intonation na talaga. (not my actions though kaya nga nasabunutan ko yung kapatid ko eh. Pero I am working on that na don’t worry)


I Have Learned To Say No and Stay Firm

I always felt the need to say yes, adjust to other people’s plans and just go with it because I hate having to say no. I feel like there’s less conflict when I just say yes and agree to everything people want me to do. But recently, I felt like I can’t be like this anymore.

This all began when I realized that it’s best to say something about what you truly feel and think rather than letting it float. I wrote about it *HERE* and after that realization, I just went with it.

I guess it’s because all my conflicts within myself are connected and rooted to each other. Like I don’t say no all too often because:

  1. I don’t want other people to think I am not reliable.
  2. I don’t want them to feel like I’m not there for them when they need me.
  3. I don’t want them to feel like I don’t think about their feelings ?

But this time, I let whatever happens, happen. I mean truthfully, those weren’t my intentions whether I say yes or no. Like if I don’t agree about something, it’s not as if I am not agreeing just so I could hurt their feelings and not be with them when they *need* me.

  1. I just grew tired of having to adjust to every single thing everyone wants. They never do that for me and no I am not taking it against them but fuck it.
  2. When I can’t, I can’t. I wouldn’t say yes and force myself to do something that I am not willing to do just because I was trying to avoid conflict. People who want to understand will understand. Those who choose to judge and think about other stuff than what’s real are even more not worthy at all of my time and effort adjusting with their plans and whatnot.
  3. I don’t make excuses now that I am 26. If I say yes I’ll be there, I’ll be there. If I can’t, then I’ll say so and I’ll tell you why.
  4. I have work and I can’t just adjust to whatever people plan to do that’s convenient for them. If convenience is not mutual, then I’m not for it. I also have a life to live and I wouldn’t compromise comfort just because it’s comfortable for you. I’ve done that so many times and I will stop already.
  5. I’m at the point of my life wherein I no longer want to force myself into doing and saying anything that I don’t want to. If I couldn’t do it, then I won’t and let’s not take it personally.

That last part though, I’m still trying to do it—the not taking things personally. Because I for one, can take a lot of things quite personally more often than I should so I shall really try to stop myself from doing it hahahah.

RANT: I Need Uber

If not all, most of the riding public needs Uber.

In the Philippines (I have no clear idea as to why this happened but) Uber was suspended by LTFRB for a month because they didn’t follow an agreement? I don’t know, I’m not sure and I haven’t read a lot about it (cause work does not honor “work-life balance”)

Now, I have an event to attend, it’s mandatory for our team and it’s going to be held at Sofitel, Pasay. I live in the heart of Pasig and I don’t have a clue how to get there. As timely as it is, Azul (our car) is at the nearby talyer being pampered aka being fixed and would not be ready until next week. In short, I need to commute my way through hell and everything. Hindi sa nag-iinarte ako at sobrang dependent ko kay Azul ah, pero hindi ko kasi talaga alam paano pumunta ng Pasay. I don’t go there. I have no business anywhere near Pasay, my friends live in Pasig, Marikina and QC. So how the hell would I know? (or sadyang bobo lang ako sa pag-cocommute?) I was told that I have 2 options. It’s either I ride a tricycle from our village—a 20 minute ride to Pasig Palengke, take a Jeepney ride going to Shaw, ride the MRT going to Taft. Other option is trike, jeepney and bus going to Mall of Asia then cab going to Sofitel.

Sounds easy? Hassle sa masel! Easy if there are enough jeepneys and no traffic at all and if the MRT is not congested by people. But ya know what, it feels like the zombie apocalypse when hailing a jeepney. Riding an MRT is worse than World War Z. Cabs and Grab are out of the question—they are too damn expensive!

This is why it makes Uber so important! Hassle-free, reasonable price and nice drivers. It’s so much easier to go from one place to another if there’s Uber. I have nothing against Grab but man, Grab is taking advantage because they know that people do not have a choice. I don’t have a choice but I’d rather ride the MRT going to Sofitel than freaking book a Grab.

Also, I asked my brother if he can bring me to Sofitel tomorrow morning but he needs to be somewhere else so I don’t have much choice but to really give this hardcore commuting a chance. HA HA HA HAHAAH.

Again, hindi sa nagiinarte. Hindi talaga lang ako marunong pumunta doon. I also do not have a sense of direction so the probability of me—being lost in the middle of nowhere is super high. I also have anxiety so imagine me trying to suck it all up while being consumed by panic attacks and whatnot. I just hope na maitawid ko ang commuting experience ko bukas. “Achievement unlocked” din yun if nagawa ko diba? FIGHT!

A Letter To My Depressed-Self 4 Months Ago

In your 26 years of existence, you didn’t see this coming. You didn’t see that the people you love dearly—whom you have called best friends for many many years, would turn their backs against you. There was this confrontation but you were the only bad guy. No one owned up to their mistakes, no one even saw the bad things they did, they think what they did weren’t comparable to whatever you did. For a time, you will think that you are the worst person in the world but fret not because sooner, you’ll realize everything.

For a long time you carried yourself after that crazy experience ever so heavily. You let yourself be dragged on to this drama and you cried as much as you had to—but surprisingly, tears weren’t shed that long, not much. Not much as you expected.

You didn’t know it yet but you will be stronger. You will find all your broken pieces, even the ones that went missing for a long time. You will patch yourself together without depending on other people. Yes, your family, remaining friends and Kyx were there for you but the only person who can patch you up and piece you back altogether is you and you alone.

Though you think it’s tough, you will eventually be fine. You will be able to move on and be okay. You will forget all the pain and hurt they have caused you. More than that, you will forgive them with all of your heart. You will be able to accept that you have been kicked out of the group you once help build. You will let go of the betrayal and you will stop asking why. Maybe you don’t know how soon but it will be okay, you will be okay.

When your dark clouds left, your days will be brighter and you’ll see the sunshine again even if it was raining. As you see the brightness of the day, you’d realize how much bigger the world is and how small you made it for yourself. Your horizon would be wider and you will realize everything. You will acknowledge the mistakes you did, the darkness you have spread but you will realize how worthy of love and kindness you are. You will stop blaming yourself for everything and you will stand again.

As you are walking towards recovery, you will look depression in the eye and you’ll say ‘fuck off’. You know that it’s still lingering but you’ll realize you’re too blessed to focus on it.

But in those days, the most important thing that happened is the growth. You will learn a lot through this and you will love and appreciate everyone who have stuck with you no matter what. Especially your mom.

Yes you may have done a lot of mistakes, but these mistakes are forgivable ones. Yes you may have cried, but you’ll realize eventually that you’re crying for blessings.

You will be okay. Fine. Better—even. Just trust yourself. No matter what.


Anxiously Anticipating


For someone with anxiety problems, I do not like anticipating anything. Good or bad, it feels the same and it does the same to my head and my heart.

This is how it is for me, I don’t know if this happens to anyone with anxiety disorder but it happens to me whenever I have anxiety attacks. Also, so you can stop imagining anxiety attacks as panicking and being crazy, crying or rocking—that’s not always the case.

  • During my anxiety attacks, I’d stare out blankly in space and most of the time, Kyx would notice and ask me what I was thinking or if something is bothering me. Deep inside, my head is in chaos! It’s thinking of a lot of things, jumping to all conclusions possible!
  • I can’t seem to comprehend eve in the simplest things said to me. I need to have them repeat what they told me so I can understand.
  • When I try to calm myself down, my heart beats even faster than ever. I experience shortness of breath, my head is pounding, I am breaking cold sweat and I can’t seem to move normally. I feel sick and it helps when I lie down.
  • I have no appetite and I feel like I wanna throw up.

So that’s why I don’t like the feeling of anticipating something because it often leads me to anxiety attacks and I hate that feeling. Nobody likes that feeling!

Yesterday, I talked to someone and sent that someone a lengthy message now I am anticipating the reply and I hate that. If only I can stop myself. If only I can stop expecting a response.


Was It Worth It?

Forgiveness is not just accepting apologies and giving chances.

Forgiveness is freeing yourself from the cruel burdens, heartache, pain, emotional torture, mental discomfort. Forgiveness is not just something you give out to those who have wronged you, forgiveness is opening your heart to the hurt you felt and accepting that in this life, inflicted pain is inevitable but it’s up to you to unburden yourself.

If you don’t forgive other people for the things they did wrong to you, you are giving yourself more burden than you could carry. You are making yourself suffer when in reality, you don’t deserve that. No one deserves that kind of suffering and the sad part is, you are the one making yourself suffer if you don’t forgive.

There will be times that you’re in a darker spot than ever, you may fill your heart with rage and anger. You condition yourself with trauma and despair but trust yourself that that phase is going to end. You just have to feel these emotions so you can appreciate the fruit of this bitter cause. In those dark days, try to welcome the ability to see the light and forgive both you and other people for all the pain you’re feeling. This isn’t as easy as it seems, it would probably take time but the more that you are willing to throw ill feelings, the more it will be easier to forgive.

Then you’ll ask yourself, was it worth it? Was it worth forgiving those who have wronged you no matter how sick of a person they have been? Of course yes. Forgiving is doing yourself a favour of unburdening the dead weight you’ve been carrying. And that for me is worth it.

Depression Is

When will people ever understand the gravity of depression?

Depression is you—battling and fighting with yourself all day, every day.

Depression is knowing that you have people who love you, support you and are willing to help you no matter what but you’re just so sick, too sick of everything, even sick of yourself.

Depression is loving other people and thinking about them so much but you just feel like you’re ruining their lives by simply existing.

Depression is not knowing how and what to feel anymore.

Depression is more than just mere anger and loneliness.

Depression is speaking to people you love and crying out for help in a language no one seems to understand.

Depression is understanding that you have a problem within you, in the depths of your soul in the very core of your heart but nothing seems to make the problem go away.

Depression is telling other people how you feel in a subtle but meaningful way hoping they’d understand you.

Depression is not just felt because something sad happened.

Depression is always always lingering in all corners of your body ready to creep out and slip through at any given moment.

Depression is understanding other people do not care as much as you would have wanted them to be.

Depression is shutting yourself, bounding yourself from yourself.

Depression is not something that can easily disappear.

Depression is always a battle for as long as you live.