Top 5 Things 2018 Taught Me

I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2018 was not the best but definitely not the worst especially now that I am realizing I did learn a lot of things this year.  It was not as shitty as 2017 as we all know that’s the year I suffered a lot. However, true to what I believed, 2018 was the year of my healing. It wasn’t all bright and sunshine-y because maybe, I was thinking that healing is this really happy place of acceptance and repentance and love and everything hopeful only to find out that healing is embracing pain, lifting yourself up every time you fall down, it’s forgiving others and mostly yourself for every stupid thing that put you in pain, it’s learning to open your doors again, it’s understanding that there would be circumstances that will break your heart but you’ll eventually be okay, it’s meeting other people and learning from them, it’s being okay with solitude, it’s a lot of things far better than what I thought it would be. Although definitely difficult, still, it’s beautiful.

2018, my year of healing, you did not let me down. God did not let me down and of course, the universe did not let me the fuck down this time and gave me a fully healed heart. So I will share with you guys my top/favourite things I learned this year.

  1. No other than, self-love. It wasn’t easy to love myself knowing full well that I am so flawed. That I hurt people, I am judgmental and I always always close my door without giving other people chances whatsoever so it’s really hard for me to love myself because of who I have become but this year, I learned and I was able to give myself some loving and the rest just followed! Everything changed and I am happy!
  2. Balancing my pride. It was hard because I am filled with pride and if it can kill, I’m already dead but this year was just so humbling that I learned how to balance my pride and all that.
  3. I understood that imperfections and losing a bit of control is okay. Sometimes, being too controlling can ruin your life so I stopped and learned how to let things go without the automatic palpitations that comes with it.
  4. I accepted the fact that there will always always always be room for improvement therefor it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not be the best.
  5. LOVE AND KINDNESS are two essential things to acquire peace in life.

I’ll save more of these things for later! ❤

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Change Back To Who You Really Are!

We tend to try and overhaul our life, change everything that we are after every shit we go through. It’s okay until it’s not.

That’s what I did for the last two years. It was definitely a struggle! I didn’t know where to start, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do, what steps I needed to take. I just kept praying and praying and crying and praying and crying day after the other. Sometimes, I get better days. Sometimes, the world falls apart and everything seems so unfair again. That’s the cycle I’ve gone through and I never thought I’d finally get over it. Fuck. Took me long enough huh?

I realized that trying to change myself for the better is not the way to go. It wasn’t working well enough for me. Ang hirap, Hindi nakakatuwa.

Then a light bulb moment happened. I needed to dig deeper, I need to go back to who I truly were back then, before all the shit happened. I needed to go back to who I was. Crap changed me so much already and I lost myself in the process. But I guess, that’s human nature ya know. All the shit we go through leaves a mark and kind of chips off our true selves.

So that’s what I did. It took me a while to find my old self but there she was just waiting for me to come get her hahaha. Ang saya!

Mga pakyu silang lahat. Joke!

Life and Death

Saturday morning reflections

I know this. I know this is PMS because I am extremely emotional over every single thing since yesterday. Every story I read through Facebook posts, every tweet I see that’s filled with joy and love makes me tear up, and today, I am doing the same. I am tearing up mostly over anything I see and read.

I came across a Facebook post that has been shared so many times. It was a long read and more often than not, I just would scroll down and like whatever interests me. This time, I read the whole thing and in a snap, I felt bittersweet feelings—a roller coaster of emotions. Joy and sadness all bundled up together for me to cry over. It’s a story of a dying person, a woman in her mid-40s, fighting stage 4 breast cancer, holding on for dear life. She almost died and everyone was praying for her peaceful passing but somehow, a miracle happened and she was brought back to life again after moments of almost dying.

And so, I realized again, that we are mortals. It is impossible not to die. Death is inevitable.

It’s just really so painful that though we know that we are mere mortals, death of a loved one is just so fucking hard to accept. It’s like you know it will happen but when it does, you are never prepared for it.

It also made me think about life. My life. How I have made it through the twists and turns and how am I still alive and enjoying the bliss of being alive.

I guess what I am getting at is that we focus so much on things that we fail to see what truly matters. We shun the idea of death or how short life is because we are too busy looking at the wrong things for the wrong reasons. We focus on all these negative energies like how to make things right, how to be okay when people do not like us, how to be civil with people who hurt us so much, how to earn forgiveness and how to forgive those that wronged us when in fact, life is so much more bigger than all these things.

I’m not saying that these things and emotions we have do not matter, it’s just that there are far more better things in life we should focus on because indeed, life is short.


I keep hearing in church that in our time of death, in our death beds, we wouldn’t be thinking of all the riches we acquired, all the honors we received in our time, the cars we bought, the good things we have, the food we eat at extravagant occasions—we wouldn’t even be thinking of all those that hurt us because in our last minutes, we would think of all the goodness in which we lived a wonderful life. How we valued our family and people we love. We wouldn’t even be thinking whether the people who hate us before learned to love us or accepted us. No. That wouldn’t and shouldn’t be the last thing in our minds.

So I guess, this is me letting go of all the things that hold me back. This is me moving on from the stress I put myself into just because I want and seek forgiveness, love and validation. This should be the end of it all because I know for sure, when I die, I wouldn’t be thinking about all of those things. The things that broke me and made me so lonely for a period of time.

Let’s all focus on the good things, good memories we have and we will have in our sweet short time on earth.

Changing and Changing

And just like that, Saturn has finished its retrograde!  Whoohoo!!

So first off, a planet retrograde is when a planet appears to be moving in revers or backwards from how it usually moves. This is just an optical illusion though and I can’t explain (because I don’t know haha) Retrogrades are believed to affect progress, has certain effects of disruption whether in communication, electronic devices and life in general! Each planet differs in their effects during their retrograde (and I will not talk about it in this post).

Let’s just focus on Saturn retrograde instead.

Saturn is the ruler of discipline, responsibility, karma, limitations and restrictions. During its retrograde, a force around us feels like we need to evaluate our lives, the mistakes we did, the past haunts us and shit like that. We end up thinking about the what ifs and could have beens and though Saturn retrograde is pretty painful, it helps us mend our life and go the right track. Realizing the mistakes made in the past makes way for enlightenment and change. So if you’re feeling a little more reflective than usual the past couple of months, then let’s blame Saturn retrograde for it buwahaha.

It ends today and I’m glad it did. There’s too much suffering inside my head already but it’s also a bit of myself doing that I guess. And since Saturn gave me a full blow impact, it led me to something…

It led me to this—I am working extra hard to achieve change that will make me a better person. This meant:

  • Since I am working on my “change”, you will not be seeing much of my face on social media and even here on my blog. I always post pictures of myself—alone and with friends but this time around, I won’t until my birthday! I plan on doing this because I want to really change myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s not necessary but I just want to really focus on working on myself intimately and I don’t want social media to have anything to do with it.
  • Physically: I’m extra focused on working on my health. I’m not even halfway there yet but I’m working on it by making it a point to do Yoga daily and to squeeze boxing at least once or twice a week.
  • Mentally and Emotionally: I want to be more zen and focused with this whole transformation thing. I plan on a lot of different things I would do but it’s rooted from self-love than any other.
  • Spiritually: I will continue yoga and meditation. Aside from that, church will also play a huge part to this!

This is the last photo of me you’ll see this year!

With our favourite Ippudo crew –they have been serving us for I’m not even sure if it’s 3 years or 2 years but since we began eating at Ippudo on a weekly basis, we developed an interesting friendship with these people. There were more friends we gained at Ippudo but they are not working on this particular shift.

This is Kyx and our friends goofing around at last weekend’s art exhibit.

And this is me showing off Kyx’s ability to be an ig boyfriend. He used to be really annoyed when I ask him to take my photo but things have changed haha.

There are still 3 planets in retrograde but all shall be well. See ya!

In The Middle of August

Wow, we’re in the middle of August already! That means our anniversary is in less than a week plus Paramore’s concert is also going to be next week and the next thing I know, it’s almost the end of my happy freaking month?! Woah!

Okay so before I publish the things I wrote for the past few days, I’ll give you this one first!

  1. Ultimate Surprising Experience So Far
  • This would have to be the TFIOB (girls) Night at Rhea’s condo unit. I swear. This surprised me on a different level. Wait, let me publish it right away after this HAHAHAHA.

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  1. Current Obsessions
  • I started obsessing over podcasts in July when I listened to Wake Up with Jim and Saab but I like to consider it as a full blown obsession when August started. I was so hooked to so many other podcasts aside from Jim and Saab’s. My go-to podcast would have to be that and Self-Helpless (go check them out!)
  1. Did Differently This Month
  • More than ever, I found myself still being reflective but self-aware and happier. I mean usually, when I think things through or like play over and over a scenario or a behaviour over my head, I get so emotionally tangled to that which leaves me no space for growth and understanding. So this month, I love how I am reflective but at the same time pushing myself to see the bigger picture.

    I included this because I look what I feel: Happier!
  1. Currently Practicing
  • I have been practicing a lot of things but my most favourite one is complaining less, caring less and being happier with myself. It takes a great deal of effort to really be patient and kind especially if a lot of things piss you off but like I said, practicing it often leads to achieving that goal. I am more patient, I don’t complain as much as I used to, I cared less about what others think and say negatively about me and I’m overall just really happier!

    That’s my office BFF! Always happy and myself when I’m with her.
  1. Working On Physically
  • I plan to work on going back to making art regularly again but since there’s a lot on my plate that I need to handle, I am just focused on working on going back to boxing and doing yoga regularly. Not working out really made me feel like shit and have become overall shitty to Kyx so he’s all for me—working out so that I don’t turn into a “monster” lels.
  • This is me feeling all glowy whenever I work out. Sorry I don’t have photos of me working out because I’m shy hahaha

I hope your mid-month is working just fine! 🙂

Wrote this on August 15, 2018

I Like Myself

It’s the first time in a long time that I can truly say how I like myself now so much more than I ever could have before. You know, the constant thinking of am I being liked enough, do these people like me, what can I do for these people to like me, I think they’re annoyed, why are they annoyed, they might not like me. These questions have kept me locked in an insecurity bubble I have created for myself but this time, I’m out of it. I’m done. I realized that I like myself a lot and I don’t need anyone’s validation anymore. As long as God likes me enough, then I’m good to go!

Those where my thoughts before I went to bed last night. I am more confident in my own skin now, I like how I look, I don’t care if people don’t like me, I don’t care if they don’t think I’m pretty and this feels sooo sooo good.

Of course there will still be days that I will not like myself but I trust that it won’t be as much as I did before.

Happy Tuesday!


photo not mine.

A year ago, A friend, A quote

I keep starting off my blog posts with “a year ago..” blah blah blah and it’s getting really annoying but really, I think I’m starting off with that phrase or something similar so bear with me.

It was almost a year ago, it was in July. I was in the middle of moving on, I’m trying every morning to keep going but it was so hard for me ya know? So usually, I’d write about my feelings and a few of you guys who have turned into my online friends, will help me through comforting words, pieces of advice and a lot of encouragement. One of the few who have helped me in a really personal level was Zhengfan. I asked him how I can heal from the traumatic experience and he emailed me his “1 cent” in the matter. When I read that, I felt really good and encouraged. But reading what he wrote after almost a year has passed, I feel different!!! I mean I still feel good and encouraged but something clicked inside me, it’s like everything made perfect sense and I can’t quite pinpoint how and why but the feeling is overwhelmingly amazing!

Here’s a snippet of what he wrote and this helped me a lot. More than I can say, more than I could ever explain.

“Think of your problems as a spoonful of salt. What happened when your turn this spoonful of salt in a glass of water? Damn salty. But what if you pour this spoonful of salt into the gushing river? You won’t even notice its existence. Go accumulate your happiness, and let them wash those haunting thoughts in your mind right now, just like the river washing away the salt into oblivion.”

So if you are going through a shitty time, look back in this post and check the quote. It helped me, it might help you too.

To Zhengfan, Thank you my friend. The rest will be written in the email I’ll be sending! Haha