Finally being able to move on took a long year to take place but what’s so good about it is that my heart has fully healed and I am way past remembering how painful it was for me a year ago.
If you’re new to this blog of mine (as if talaga may new people reading haha) here’s what happened to me, choose from the links or read everything if you want but I swear it was a totally different person writing it. I can’t even remember myself feeling all those emotions. ANG BIGAT before grabe. Anyway, I was filled with so much anger and hatred that finding peace, forgiveness and love sounded impossible. I just kept writing about it though (kahit pauilit ulit)
I wrote about how I am trying to move on, how one day I am happy and the next day I remember everything and I break down and cry. I wrote all about the cycle of seeking closure and failing. I wrote about how I found comfort from my family, Kyx, some friends and my TFIOB family. I wrote about expanding the world I live in. When I look back, I am seeing just now how the universe and God played a huge part with my healing. It was a long gruelling process and it wasn’t a very pretty thing to go through but here I am, all fixed, healed, hopeful and happy!
Healed – I forgave and let go of everyone who hurt me one way or another. I don’t bother anymore whether they remember all the good things I ever did to them, I don’t feel bad anymore. Hindi na ako nanghihinayang. My mom said (no offense lang if may matatamaan) hindi kailangang panghinayangan ang mga ganoong klaseng tao. I believe her. It’s not as if I didn’t feel bad losing these people. It’s just that the way things have ended, I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I love. I mean I wouldn’t break them how they broke me. But like I said, I don’t have ill feelings anymore towards these people. I don’t feel bad for myself anymore. It’s as if I have gained more from the loss.
Hopeful – Since letting go and forgiving these people, I am hopeful that somehow, they have also forgiven me for the pain I have caused them. Though I am not downplaying what I did, but what I did wasn’t directly and intentional. But I am acknowledging that it would have really been painful as well if it was the other way around. I am hopeful that ever since new doors and blessings rained, I have opened myself more to new things and new people. It helped me grow!
Happy – I am in a happy place now. I have forgiven myself as well from the things I blamed myself for. I realized the wrong things I have been doing and changed my ways. I learned a lot of things and with that I am truly grateful!
Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.
After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)
Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”
As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.
I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.
Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.
Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!
It suddenly just clicked. It’s not like in the movies wherein everything went slow motion and you see every detail ever so powerfully. My epiphany was very fast paced. It’s as if I was hit by a bus and I wasn’t even trying to figure out what happened to me, it’s like I know exactly I have been hit and that everything did not need an explanation. It’s like that.
After meeting 2 of my favourite authors from National Book Store’s book signing event, Kyx and I went home with a happy face. I was still on my fan girling mode and I came across a person named JB. I don’t know exactly what his designation is but I know he works for NBS in the Marketing Team. I saw his instagram and oh my good lawd.
He has all the books I have and even the ones I don’t. THEY ARE ALL SIGNED (most, if not all) by the authors.
He goes to places with these authors, and become friends with them.
He loves what he does (as far as I can see though)
OH MY GOOD LAWD! I want to be just like him. I want to be in the Marketing Team of National Book Store too!!!!!
I want to be able to do what I love. A mix of lots of books, readings and writing!
Meeting AUTHORS locally and from around the world (gosh, may photos siya with Juday, I LOVE JUDAY SERYOSO HUHUHU)
I want to be able to work happily.
Ayan. Alam ko na ang dream job ko. I want to cry. At least now I know where I want to be, what I want to do diba? HUHUHU. I’m a few steps ahead from where I was mentally and emotionally. The epiphany of knowing your dream job is just amazing. Kahit na I’m far from actually reaching that dream, at least I know now what I want and for me, that’s important.
I remember being a bit sad (though I never admitted it) because I don’t get to be a Virgin Mary in Christmas related presentations. If I won’t be one of the angels, I’m probably a flower or a tree. Never the Virgin Mary.
When I was younger, I loved the spotlight. I just do my thing and I love performing. I grew up being a cheerleader, dancer, actress in school plays (think of me as Sharpay Evans with the attitude of Gabriela Marquez from High School Musical LOL) I’m pretty much competitive, I don’t get shy, I always have a big role—you probably get it already HAHA. So when Christmas presentations are approaching, I get a little bit let down. You see, I don’t get to be the Virgin Mary even if I acted so good or even if I have the most perfect costume for it simply because “No, the Virgin Mary has this angelic face and a whiter skin. Your skin is dark, your eyebrows are too thick you don’t look like the Virgin Mary at all”.
I didn’t tell my mom how bad I felt but she told me that it’s okay, I don’t need to play the Virgin Mary part anyway because I can have a lot of different roles that I can portray better.
I didn’t cry and later on realized that I don’t even want to play that role anyway.
At an early age, I learned where I place myself, when to place myself. I learned that I can be both great and amazing but not all parts of the play can be achieved through greatness, some roles are meant for me to play while some are not.
I don’t need to be too bold and popular, I don’t need to be bida bida all the time (bida bida is a slang in Tagalog which means, uhm, you know Sharpay Evans and how she is? That’s bida bida HAHAHA I can’t explain it)
I don’t need to always be that person everyone adores. I can be who I am and people can like me if they want as they can hate me if they want ~I don’t care.
Kebs and Wapakels (the art of ignoring or not caring at all)
A guide on how you control yourself in caring about unnecessary things aka those that are not worth a second of your time.
Chismoso and Chismosa – a Filipino slang that can be a noun or adjective, but I’ll use it as a noun (depends on how you use it) pertaining to people who always talk about other people’s whereabouts.
These people do not deserve your time and energy. They are also not worth your emotions so before you react when you learn someone is being a chismoso/chismosa, stop and think. Remember that these people are a.)the ones who do not have anything better to do with their lives. b.) uneducated ones that are not taught to stop talking about other people and their whereabouts because it’s none of their business.
What you need to do: Ignore them. There’s no point in confrontation. What they say about you is none of your business.
That Person Who Hates Your Guts – someone who has a bad blood for you. You know that nagging feeling when you know someone doesn’t like you even if you are not doing anything?
These people is not even worth an ounce of your time. Don’t waste your day away thinking about why they don’t like you. Don’t ever think how you can please them. Never. Just do your thing, be a good person, be civil with them if you ever need to be in the same room with them but never ever think of ways on how you can please them. You don’t need to please people, especially the ones who don’t even like you in the first place.
What you need to do: If you suspect that people do not like you for a certain attitude you have and it’s a negative thing, then try to change it. But if there’s nothing wrong talaga, then chill. Sit back and care less for these people.
That Person Who Is Always Rude To You – someone who is always either sarcastic or rude kahit wala na sa lugar.
These people may think of themselves as funny and popular and powerful but rudeness has never been cute nor funny.
What you need to do: tell them to stop being rude. Call their attention. If you don’t want that, you can simply ignore them. Don’t let them get into your nerves, don’t give them attention.
Not wasting your time caring about what other people say can really help you live a happy life. All the nega stuff can be so much of a burden and we don’t have room for that anymore. Kebs lang, ignore, ‘wag pansinin.
More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.
I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.
But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.
So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.
Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.
If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.
Due to certain circumstances, precious and important people may be cut loose into your life. Though it’s a painful and sad thing, life works the way it should and we learn from these things.
It is necessary to be left behind. People will need to walk away from you for several reason you probably wouldn’t understand instantly but there’s so much to learn from these things that you get to grow and be a better person.
I have lost so many friends that are precious to me. Some have been my friends for over 15 years! Trust me, it was so painful but it did teach me a lot of life lessons that I now know. I wouldn’t have learned it if it wasn’t for losing people I love, right?
I tried to make up for the things I have done wrong but sadly, those things are not guaranteed to make the cut. That then led me to the realization that indifference and lost friendship will linger for a while until the hands of time can heal all that was wounded and pained from the emotional battles of the past.
I still do not understand why everything went down so hurtful and hateful like that. But I guess I stopped trying to understand. Maybe it was really meant to happen like that.