I Just Got Used To It

I don’t know how long this post will be because I am not really thinking properly, I just want a raw out-pour of what is going on in my mind right now.

Since 2018 started, I am feeling very positive that this will be the year, my year for the Lord.  And with that, this year will also be the year of Healing, moving on, letting go and forgiveness. So let me share with you, the unfiltered process of how I got here.

It was one year and a month ago and probably some couple of days and minutes and seconds. I can still clearly remember every single thing. From the petty and mean words I am told to how my heart was broken and my soul torn into pieces. I can still remember clearly how I have to suck it in day and night, grasp all the energy and sturdy things I could get a hold of onto because I was in a very fragile state but I don’t want my loved ones, the people supporting me, to see that I am giving up on myself. I trusted the process and the stages of grief but it wasn’t easy as cake. It was hella terrible because:

  • I can’t wrap the idea around my head that it is all over. Gone and done. Bye.
  • I keep asking how it is THAT easy for these people to throw me under the bus and not hear me out and not talk to me properly and just give me a chance like they gave each other chances. I think I pretty much deserve a chance as well didn’t I?
  • I keep replaying over and over and over again what happened and to be honest, it is still very painful but I’d probably give in and give them a chance when they asked for it. Nobody asked. Nobody wanted it. Nobody felt that they needed to apologize for the pain they have caused me.
  • I keep apologizing for the mistakes I did and I was really really really (sorry for using too many “reallys” to think I’m actually a writer and this happens? Lol) really really sorry for everything, every pain I may have caused but no one ever thought of the pain they may have caused.
  • I felt like it was very easy for them because you know what, no one even tried blocking me off of their social media. HAHA. It’s as if it’s okay for them to see me without them in my life. It’s like it wouldn’t make them feel bad remembering me. No bitter taste in their mouths in the mention of my name. It’s like I still exist but they could care less. HOW??? Cause I can’t even begin to try being around them even on social media because I wanted to move on.

The list goes on and on. There were so many things running in my mind that time and I’m so emotionally stressed out and burdened by them all so I had to run really far and fast.

As I was running, I found pieces of me. Gems hidden in stony ugly places. Hard to reach branches and steep cliff-y places. Then I found people I can be myself with.

I clung on to the people who love me still despite everything else. I clung on to God.

I worked harder. I was in the office from 9am until 11pm.

If I wasn’t working overtime, I worked my ass off in boxing or when I feel really tired, I’d do Yoga.

There was so much going back and forth. Being able to move forward then taking 2 steps backward. It was such a long process and along the way, I have learned and grew so much!

I had no idea, that the things that made it hard for me to move forward are the same exact things that made me realize how I need to move on and let go. (the bulleted ones I wrote on top) that these are even the reasons why I need to let these people go. Because..

  • It was easy for them to drop me like a hot tamale
  • It was easier to not give me a chance than trying to fix everything
  • That they weren’t even sorry at all!
  • That they can live with the fact that they can see me like nothing happened.

Exactly. Why. I. Need. To. Let. Go.

And again, I have moved on from that already. I no longer feel anger. I have tamed the pain. But I realized today that it will always always always still be so painful. I just got used to it.


Featured image not mine; got it from Google.

 

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How I Have Finally Let Go

There are people who have been part of our lives for a very long time that letting go of them is so hard. You shared so many memories together, imagine all the inside jokes you have, the foundation you built. Then all of a sudden, it comes crumbling down as if there was no foundation at all to begin with.

In letting go, you’re actually doing yourself a favour. And no, letting go does not happen when you want it to happen, at least not in my case. Because no matter how hard I tried to let go of the people I have loved for a long time, who became part of my life for as long as I can remember, I was not able to do it in a single snap. It took me a full year to finally let them go and move on!! It was so hard. It was unimaginable. I didn’t even think I would be able to do it!

Here’s what I did in the process on the latter months before I finally moved on:

  1. I tried focusing on myself, on the people who stayed with me despite everything. I realized that if I always think about them and how much I miss them, there’s no way I can move on from them and the things they did to me.
  2. I felt that I am the only one looking for closure, finding comfort on forgiveness and healing because they moved on long before I did. So I stopped wanting to be in “okay” terms with them.
  3. I acknowledged their presence but I pretended that they never existed in my life so that I wouldn’t miss them anymore. Idk if it sounded as bad as when I was writing this but don’t get me wrong, I know they are alive and existing. It’s just that coping with what happened is excruciatingly painful and hard for me thus the decision of erasing them in my life (because basically, that’s what they actually did to me)
  4. I started enjoying things alone that I used to enjoy with them. I mean there’s a lot of people I can still hangout with and enjoy things but I have learned to enjoy my solitude and that’s a huge help for me. I guess you have to enjoy being alone sometimes anyway.
  5. I prayed so much for healing but I also took action. I tended to myself. I acknowledged what I am feeling. When I’m sad, I don’t just shrug it off. Instead, I listen to what my emotions are telling me but I don’t sulk for too long.
  6. I stopped wondering what they’re doing. Instead, I did what I needed to do, I did what I wanted to do.

Letting go is hard but clinging on to memories and the past will be harder. It doesn’t do you any good, it only makes you miserable (and pathetic) I got tired of being pathetic so maybe one day, when you try letting go of people who are not healthy for you, you’ll realize “I don’t want to be pathetic anymore” so off you go diba? Keri?

 

Last Night’s Thoughts

I talked to God last night and told him how finally, I saw things differently. I told him that he kept showing me what’s up but I kept looking for something that wasn’t there. He kept reminding me of my blessings and what I have yet I kept looking at what I lost. I wanted it all didn’t I? That’s why I wasn’t looking at what he was actually showing me.

Today, I was hit with the reality that the people who are with me right now is enough. What was lost is lost and all I could do is move forward and appreciate the ones I still have. Grabe ang blessings pala ni Lord na hindi ko masyadong pinapansin.

Last night I told him that I am acknowledging my mistake of looking past the blessings. I told Him that I was too caught up, too busy getting sad over silly things. Hay naman oo.

Thank you for all your prayers friends. Kailangan siguro talaga natin ng mga taong nagdadasal para sa atin and kailangan din tayo ng ibang tao na magdasal para sakanila.

Today, I am happy again. Yay!

I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.

Lately I have been thinking of how I can start my life anew. Like start on a clean slate.

I started to think about the old friends I used to have and how my life turned upside down. I started my forgiveness since the day I have finally understood that nope, there’s no going back. But forgiveness is a tricky thing and for the first time in a long time, I don’t blame myself for it.

I have pictured and made myself believe that I am walking forward, toward a new life but in reality I was trying to walk forward while turning for over a couple of dozens of times only to realize that there’s no need for me to look back.

Part of my being is keeping memories close to my heart. I can remember even the smallest of details from 20 years ago and it still plays very vividly on my mind as if it was just yesterday. So the problem with letting go of people is the memories I had back with them. I don’t think I was ever prepared that what I have held on for so long—the memories, are made to be forcibly forgotten.

How in the world will I ever forget these when I don’t even intend to remember it anymore? How will I do that?

I got a simple answer care of myself as usual. That’s when forgiveness enters and I must understand its meaning, value and what it entails.

When I forgive these people, I can move forward without hesitations, without looking back and regretting every step I took forward.

There are people I have cut out from my life and there are people who did just that to me. Now, in the midst of trying to let everything go and move on from where I am, I couldn’t help but think how some people can simply cut you off without having closure? But I guess that’s how the cope with things.

I just hope that I can leave everything behind and only look back from time to time without hurting myself on the thought of retracing memories. I just. I just really want to let myself go.

How Emo is My Soul?

Let’s look inside me, let’s see what gives me nightmares if not every night at least twice a week, let’s check what gives me heartaches, let’s see what’s up. What really is up inside my core.

I have long forgotten to ask. Somehow I have convinced myself that I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay, I really am. I function every day, my immune system is even stronger than it has ever been, my mental health is a-okay, everything is good nowadays when it comes to my emotions and my mental state. I don’t think I’m ill, I don’t think depression will win over me, I don’t think anxiety will come knocking on my door yet again anytime soon.

I tried as much as I can to let go and move on. After all, it’s a win-win situation. I’d like to believe that I also won, I know I won somehow. They also did, somehow. They may probably even feel more successful than ever because they got rid of me, like a stinky cat no one likes to bring under their wings. Like a stray dog they can just bring into the woods and accidentally get lost. Like an old crafting material, not as shiny, not as useful. Somehow, I felt abandoned and no one likes that feeling.

You, you and you, you may have been hurt but you have never felt the pain of being abandoned. For crying out loud, I want to pull my own hair for again, writing about this. But the more painful thing, something more pathetic is the fact that I still feel this pain. Will this be forever painful? Will I still feel a pinch somewhere inside me when I think about it?

While I was taking a bath this morning, I thought about the other people in the circle of friends I have left. I thought of those not involved. I thought of them and I wondered why they never thought of me? No one even bothered to ask how I was feeling. No one even took their time to write me something, not even a single soul. I tried to rip everything that I can from my tiny little broken soul just so I couldn’t feel the pain, just so I don’t keep hurting myself by just thinking about them but. I can’t. It’s hard.

Why didn’t you even bother asking me if I am in any way “okay”? Why didn’t you even think of me?

And why do I still bother asking these questions?

Watercolor Chronicles: Sunsets and Goodbyes

The last time I did a watercolour painting was about a month or 2 ago. I forgot. I guess life finally caught up with me and I keep switching from my mom’s house to Kyx’s house on a weekly basis that I just don’t have enough time and energy to paint for leisure. Last night however was a different thing. After dinner, I worked on a quick watercolour art. I usually go back and forth from Maria Racynzka and Enon De Belen. I chose Maria last night.

 

WIP

I haven’t finished this painting though. I was too sleepy and growing impatient for everything to dry out before putting the details. I like the look of it though despite being unfinished hehehe

Maria is an amazing artist. She always shares her demo and art on YouTube and it has helped me with my watercolour journey. I keep practicing with her and I love it!

 

Sunsets and Goodbyes

I like sunsets, water and boardwalks. This photo just summarizes the feeling of being free. Something that says “finally, it’s over and done”. I like it how it feels as if goodbyes are less hard, less cruel.

I used Winsor and Newton Cotman 45 half-pans set, 2 Martol brushes and 1 Deovir angular brush, Watercolor paper by Canson (student grade)