Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

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“Walang Reason, Ayaw Ko Lang Talaga Sakanya”

“Di ko nga alam kung bakit ayaw ko sakanya eh. Di ko alam kung bakit ako naiinis. Naiinis at ayaw ko sakanya talaga for no reason at all! Di ko talaga alam kung bakit”

Hahahahahahahahahaha walang ganyan. Hindi yan nageexist. Luko loko ka ba?

May reason pero hindi ka lang handang aminin maski sa sarili mo kung ano yung reason na yun. Kadalasan ang root cause niyan kasi ay hindi mo matanggap kaya nagkakasya ka nalang sa “walang dahilan, di ko alam ang dahilan” excuses.

Reason #1: Inggit

Maaaring naiinis ka kasi may mga bagay na meron siya na wala ka. May mga kaibigan siya na gusto mong maging kaibigan, may mga tao sa buhay niya na gusto mong magkaroon din ng ganoong klaseng tao pero tingin mo, wala ka.

Reason #2: Insecurity

Insecure ka sa mga bagay na kaya niyang gawin. Sa kung paano niya nadadala ang sarili niya. Sa kung paano ang suot niyang damit at sapatos ay bagay sakanya at sayo, tingin mo hindi. Naiintimidate ka sa kung papaano siya magsalita at kumilos.

Reason #3: Pagsasalita

Minsan may paraan siya ng pagsasalita na hindi mo nagugustuhan. Maarte, slang, may accent, malakas ang boses, mahina, mahinhin. Hindi mo gusto, hindi pumapalakpak ang tenga mo.

Reason #4: Pananamit

Hindi mo bet kung ano ang suot niya. Pakiramdam mo papansin. Baka masyadong loud o kaya naman ay lousy. Hindi mo trip yung style.

Reason #5: Mga Kasama o Kaibigan Niya

Meron siyang mga kaibigan o taong laging kasama na hindi mo gusto kaya naman hindi mo na rin siya gusto. Kumbaga damay damay na ‘to.

Laging may rason. Hindi pupwedeng wala. Wala man sa mga choices ko na inilatag, paniguradong meron kang rason. Ano ka sira ulo para mainis ng walang dahilan? Hindi ganon. Kaya bullshit yang mga “walang rason. Di ko alam kung bakit” kasi kung iisipin mong mabuti, mayroon yang dahilan. May rason kung bakit umaayaw ka sa isang tao, may nagagawa siya na ayaw mo. May kinikilos siya na ayaw mo. May something. Ngayon kung hindi mo mapin point kung ano yung something na yun, bigyan mo ng oras at panahon yung sarili mong isipin yun. Alam mo kung bakit?

  • Sayang sa energy yung may ayaw kang tao. Lalo na kung wala namang ginagawa sayong masama. Kung tuwing nakikita mo siya ay naiinis ka, tuwing naririnig mo ang boses niya nabubwisit ka—ikaw ang talo dahil ikaw tong nakakaramdam ng negative na emotion eh.
  • Kung ang ginagawa niya ay negative at tingin mong hindi tama, sabihin mo para magawan niya ng paraan. Kung hindi niya naman aayusin, hindi mo na kasalanan yon.
  • Maiksi ang buhay para magfocus sa negative energies na dala ng walang kwenta mong excuses kagaya ng “di ko alam kung bakit pero naiinis ako sakanya” diba? Mukang ewan.

Tapos isipin mo din ito:

  • Natutuwa ba naman siya sayo?
  • Nabubuhay ba siya para i-please ang isang kagaya mo?
  • Tama lang ba yang attitude mong naiinis ka pero wala naman sa lugar?

At higit sa lahat, Ikaw ba gusto ka niya? (hahahahaha taena lakas mo maka-ayaw hahaha)

Mahirap talagang maging tao pero hassle na nga ang buhay ngayon dadagdagan mo pa? Eh kung maging mabait ka nalang kaya? Napakaselfish kasi ng attitude na naiinis ka sa ibang tao without even thinking kung ikaw ba ay nakakainis ka rin ba? Kasi diba, kung nagiisip ka ng maayos, kung matino ka at mabait ka, diba considerate ka? Hindi mo isusubject ang isang tao sa sarili mong criteria kasi hindi sayo lang umiikot ang mundo. Hindi ikaw ang laging iintindihin at uunawain. Hindi ikaw ang laging pakikibagayan.

Sana tayo bilang tao, may ganyan tayong mindset. Hindi yung basta na lang pabugso bugso ang actions natin nang walang concrete na dahilan. Kasi sa totoo lang kung hindi man ito nakakaapekto sa taong kinaiinisan mo, let’s say wala naman siyang pake (kagaya kunyari ng mga taong parang si Kyx na may bahala kayo diyan attitude) pero kasi may impact ito sa iyo. Sa mental health mo, emotional health mo pati na rin sa social skills mo diba?

Working on Choosing My Battles

One of the many things I’ve learned to do (still on the process of mastering it) is choosing my battles wisely. It’s far from easy and I guess it will forever be hard especially for someone like me—an overly emotional INFJ who feels so much more than I should.

I am taking one baby step after another so I still kind of really feel bad when people are rude and especially mean to me but instead of showing them they affect me and let them know that I am thinking every second, stressing myself and over analyzing every single detail, I keep it to myself because I wouldn’t give these people the satisfaction of knowing that I cared enough to feel bad.

So I guess I still am far from really being able to choose my battles wisely because I still feel bad right? But I’m happy I can already control how I act towards unsettling situations!

I Just Got Used To It

I don’t know how long this post will be because I am not really thinking properly, I just want a raw out-pour of what is going on in my mind right now.

Since 2018 started, I am feeling very positive that this will be the year, my year for the Lord.  And with that, this year will also be the year of Healing, moving on, letting go and forgiveness. So let me share with you, the unfiltered process of how I got here.

It was one year and a month ago and probably some couple of days and minutes and seconds. I can still clearly remember every single thing. From the petty and mean words I am told to how my heart was broken and my soul torn into pieces. I can still remember clearly how I have to suck it in day and night, grasp all the energy and sturdy things I could get a hold of onto because I was in a very fragile state but I don’t want my loved ones, the people supporting me, to see that I am giving up on myself. I trusted the process and the stages of grief but it wasn’t easy as cake. It was hella terrible because:

  • I can’t wrap the idea around my head that it is all over. Gone and done. Bye.
  • I keep asking how it is THAT easy for these people to throw me under the bus and not hear me out and not talk to me properly and just give me a chance like they gave each other chances. I think I pretty much deserve a chance as well didn’t I?
  • I keep replaying over and over and over again what happened and to be honest, it is still very painful but I’d probably give in and give them a chance when they asked for it. Nobody asked. Nobody wanted it. Nobody felt that they needed to apologize for the pain they have caused me.
  • I keep apologizing for the mistakes I did and I was really really really (sorry for using too many “reallys” to think I’m actually a writer and this happens? Lol) really really sorry for everything, every pain I may have caused but no one ever thought of the pain they may have caused.
  • I felt like it was very easy for them because you know what, no one even tried blocking me off of their social media. HAHA. It’s as if it’s okay for them to see me without them in my life. It’s like it wouldn’t make them feel bad remembering me. No bitter taste in their mouths in the mention of my name. It’s like I still exist but they could care less. HOW??? Cause I can’t even begin to try being around them even on social media because I wanted to move on.

The list goes on and on. There were so many things running in my mind that time and I’m so emotionally stressed out and burdened by them all so I had to run really far and fast.

As I was running, I found pieces of me. Gems hidden in stony ugly places. Hard to reach branches and steep cliff-y places. Then I found people I can be myself with.

I clung on to the people who love me still despite everything else. I clung on to God.

I worked harder. I was in the office from 9am until 11pm.

If I wasn’t working overtime, I worked my ass off in boxing or when I feel really tired, I’d do Yoga.

There was so much going back and forth. Being able to move forward then taking 2 steps backward. It was such a long process and along the way, I have learned and grew so much!

I had no idea, that the things that made it hard for me to move forward are the same exact things that made me realize how I need to move on and let go. (the bulleted ones I wrote on top) that these are even the reasons why I need to let these people go. Because..

  • It was easy for them to drop me like a hot tamale
  • It was easier to not give me a chance than trying to fix everything
  • That they weren’t even sorry at all!
  • That they can live with the fact that they can see me like nothing happened.

Exactly. Why. I. Need. To. Let. Go.

And again, I have moved on from that already. I no longer feel anger. I have tamed the pain. But I realized today that it will always always always still be so painful. I just got used to it.


Featured image not mine; got it from Google.

 

A year ago, A friend, A quote

I keep starting off my blog posts with “a year ago..” blah blah blah and it’s getting really annoying but really, I think I’m starting off with that phrase or something similar so bear with me.

It was almost a year ago, it was in July. I was in the middle of moving on, I’m trying every morning to keep going but it was so hard for me ya know? So usually, I’d write about my feelings and a few of you guys who have turned into my online friends, will help me through comforting words, pieces of advice and a lot of encouragement. One of the few who have helped me in a really personal level was Zhengfan. I asked him how I can heal from the traumatic experience and he emailed me his “1 cent” in the matter. When I read that, I felt really good and encouraged. But reading what he wrote after almost a year has passed, I feel different!!! I mean I still feel good and encouraged but something clicked inside me, it’s like everything made perfect sense and I can’t quite pinpoint how and why but the feeling is overwhelmingly amazing!

Here’s a snippet of what he wrote and this helped me a lot. More than I can say, more than I could ever explain.

“Think of your problems as a spoonful of salt. What happened when your turn this spoonful of salt in a glass of water? Damn salty. But what if you pour this spoonful of salt into the gushing river? You won’t even notice its existence. Go accumulate your happiness, and let them wash those haunting thoughts in your mind right now, just like the river washing away the salt into oblivion.”

So if you are going through a shitty time, look back in this post and check the quote. It helped me, it might help you too.

To Zhengfan, Thank you my friend. The rest will be written in the email I’ll be sending! Haha

Healed, Hopeful and Happy

After a year, now what?

Finally being able to move on took a long year to take place but what’s so good about it is that my heart has fully healed and I am way past remembering how painful it was for me a year ago.

If you’re new to this blog of mine (as if talaga may new people reading haha) here’s what happened to me, choose from the links or read everything if you want but I swear it was a totally different person writing it. I can’t even remember myself feeling all those emotions. ANG BIGAT before grabe. Anyway, I was filled with so much anger and hatred that finding peace, forgiveness and love sounded impossible. I just kept writing about it though (kahit pauilit ulit)

I wrote about how I am trying to move on, how one day I am happy and the next day I remember everything and I break down and cry. I wrote all about the cycle of seeking closure and failing. I wrote about how I found comfort from my family, Kyx, some friends and my TFIOB family. I wrote about expanding the world I live in. When I look back, I am seeing just now how the universe and God played a huge part with my healing. It was a long gruelling process and it wasn’t a very pretty thing to go through but here I am, all fixed, healed, hopeful and happy!

Healed – I forgave and let go of everyone who hurt me one way or another. I don’t bother anymore whether they remember all the good things I ever did to them, I don’t feel bad anymore. Hindi na ako nanghihinayang. My mom said (no offense lang if may matatamaan) hindi kailangang panghinayangan ang mga ganoong klaseng tao. I believe her. It’s not as if I didn’t feel bad losing these people. It’s just that the way things have ended, I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I love. I mean I wouldn’t break them how they broke me. But like I said, I don’t have ill feelings anymore towards these people. I don’t feel bad for myself anymore. It’s as if I have gained more from the loss.

Hopeful – Since letting go and forgiving these people, I am hopeful that somehow, they have also forgiven me for the pain I have caused them. Though I am not downplaying what I did, but what I did wasn’t directly and intentional. But I am acknowledging that it would have really been painful as well if it was the other way around. I am hopeful that ever since new doors and blessings rained, I have opened myself more to new things and new people. It helped me grow!

Happy – I am in a happy place now. I have forgiven myself as well from the things I blamed myself for. I realized the wrong things I have been doing and changed my ways. I learned a lot of things and with that I am truly grateful!

Me Time

Blog readers aka blogging friends and some of you guys who randomly visit my page may know that I haven’t been writing as much as I was a year ago. I’m going to be honest and I guess you guys deserve an explanation (I think I explained it before but not thoroughly)

  • Work is toxic ever since December but it became super kaduper toxic when 2018 started and it only got worst. March was the start of me—being miserable. I work late, I work on my day offs, I work at home and it’s a sad sad feeling although I don’t have a choice because if I delay working on stuff, I will also be the one who suffers in the end. I swear it’s so toxic right now. Mas toxic pa compared to kapag kumain ako ng pulbura at asido.
  • I have been trying to work on myself. There are a lot of things about me that I need to work on. My physical, mental and emotional health. Since April 2017, I developed bad acne. It was the first time I experienced it and it was all triggered by a stressful event in my life followed by allergies and whatnot. After acne problems, I gained SO MUCH weight as in umabot ako sa 71kg!!! It’s insane. So I had to go on a strict diet (that I still can’t even maintain until now) I am a yogi (haven’t done yoga for 3 weeks, I am so guilty). On October 2017, I tried Herbalife (still taking Herbalife products) and I must say it helped a lot jumpstart my weight loss but it hasn’t done much since I am not maintaining a strict diet. Then by March 2017 (I think) I started boxing at Elorde. I managed to maintain the weight I am in (I have lost 2-3kg I think ever since Herbalife and boxing) but I still need to work harder though. For mental and emotional health, as much as I can, I avoid human interaction that will overwhelm me. I am an INFJ (but let’s not blame my personality type lol) so I don’t mesh well with big crowds, I try my hardest to join in conversations and whatnot but in the end, I get so drained or I get lost in the middle of the conversation. It’s nothing personal and my friends can attest to that. I just don’t do well enough in human interaction on a regular basis, that’s all. I mean I am not anti-social, don’t get me wrong. I just need time to energize myself so that I can give my 100% afterwards. Heh.
  • I spend a good amount of time on twitter (and on IG) so you can go follow me there (twitter: xoxthea ; IG: xoxaila) instead. I interact with no problems in that universe.
  • I also spend a good amount of my time watching anime and reading books. I am currently watching Haikyuu!! And reading Stay Sweet (I finished Crazy Rich Asians and Idk what to feel about the book. ) after watching and reading, I don’t have enough time to write. Huhu
  • I also focused on my bullet journal although it’s not even instagrammable like may bu-journalists out there but I love creating my own minimalist layouts so that’s one thing.
  • On another note, I felt uninspired lately. Maybe because I was already too drained at work to even feel sunshine-y about writing cause that’s what I do on a daily basis for work. Huuu

I guess that’s it! I have just been too caught up with life that I have not been writing. But ya know, I try my best anyway. I’ll keep trying.