I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.


I am 26, Fat and Ugly

If I have not said it enough, I’ll say it again. I haven’t been 26 for a good 24 hours when people screwed it up for me. HAHAHAHA. I can’t remember if I enjoyed my birthday week but yeah, that happened. To those who have just been following me, here’s a summary of my heart breaking story (ang arte ng heart breaking lels)

  • I was so excited for my birthday. I am looking forward to it for the first time after I turned 7. I don’t know. I hate celebrating my birthday cause I feel old and shit but this was actually the first time that I was excited.
  • I went out with my friends and we had a BLAST.
  • The next day, they pitted on me and fought me. One (ex) friend took screenshots of our past conversations ranting about other friends etc and then they brought up our past issues and dug through the shit we didn’t like about each other 100 years ago. The funny thing is everyone did JUST THAT and I’m the only one being hated hehehe.
  • So after my birthday, I was so traumatized and I fell into my anxiety and depression. I had no one (that’s what I thought hehe
  • Everything was a disaster. I blamed myself for everything (only to realize that no, I am not the one to blame here hehehe. I mean oo I did things but to be blamed for everything? Lol)
  • It was sooo bad that I hated myself for a while. I was so stressed, I couldn’t sleep well, I gained SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT and my skin broke out sooooo bad as in GRABE. Fat and ugly, that’s what I am. No exaggerations, as in swear haha (photogenic lang ako kaya hindi obvious lels)

But since that day, I pushed myself to recover. It is a long process and I’m still trying to fully recover from the trauma it left me but at least now, I am on a better state. I am losing weight, I am not breaking out anymore (though the blemishes are still there but haha nawawala na sila)

So, am I excited for my birthday even after all the shit I went through that for sure, I will never forget (kasi syempre kaakibat ng birthday ko ang ganap na iyon diba) indeed I am.

I’m way past being scared like a shitty asshole. I am going to be okay from now on and I’ll be fine. Hopefully, on my birthday in April I’ll be “27. Wiser and Finer” (lol ahahah anudaw ahah)

Good vibes lang!

This Is Reality

If you’re a person like me and you put (waste) too much time thinking about a lot of things (even those that is not worth your time) then this is probably going to help you (us, both) face this reality.

There are things we know already yet we can’t grasp the idea unless someone else makes us realize. Thing is, I’ve been on this loop for quite a while now and I know the answers to my questions, I just can’t seem to accept it the way it is.

Truth is, some people, they forget us. They erase us so easily from their systems and are not even bothered by our absence. We don’t know for sure if they don’t think about us or secretly hope for the best for us but half of the time, they don’t think about us anymore and that’s the bitter thing we have to accept. I have to accept.

I have come to terms with myself to minimize talking about it but there are moments when I can’t help but pop out questions as to why there are people like that, why I feel this way, what should I do etc etc. I rarely do it now though (A and Kate know my moments lels)

Here are the heart ripping things I have learned and I should remember from this day forward:

  1. You can’t expect people to feel the way you feel for them. Like let’s say you long for them, you can’t expect them to do the same and long for you. It doesn’t work that way. Most of the time, feelings are not as mutual as we want them to be.
  2. They can erase you in their life as easy as pea and that’s probably confusing and puzzling and hard to accept especially if these people have been a huge part of your life; you can’t do anything about it but accept that YOU. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. ERASED. Poof! Just like that!
  3. Some people will not care whether you exist or have existed or not. You’re just a mere dust to them and they won’t even bother. They won’t feel your absence as much as you feel theirs.
  4. Memories are good where they should be left in the first place—the past. Memories are in the past and that shouldn’t keep you from moving forward. You think about all the happy things then you get sad then you go through the whole shithole of a cycle again and that keeps you from moving the fuck on (note to self lol)
  5. You can’t continue to feel bad over and over again for the same reason. You have to suck it all up one way or another and deal with it in order to survive.

I think I have blasted all these tiny details in my head and living it out is far more harder than I thought it would but I’m getting there. The dreams still have not stopped but they will. Soon, I guess.

And to end this as blatant as I possibly could for my own good I’d say…

Girl, kung nagawa ka namang kalimutan agad na walang remorse manlang or reflection from them and acceptance ng kamaliang nagawa nila then so be it. Wag nating hintayin na marealize nila yun because it will be too late when they do at para saan pa? Para ano pa? Kahit naman magsorry sila or maisip nila yung mali nilang nagawa wala na rin namang mangyayari at wala nang babalikan. Stop comforting yourself with the idea na you’ll finally get the closure you *deserve* when they realize the wrong things they did kasi baka nga matagalan ang realization nila na yun. Let’s not expect them to feel sorry for you and for what they did kasi hindi lahat ng tao reflective. “Ganon lang kadaling makalimutan ka” you ask? Eh ganon talaga. Not everyone is like you who holds and treasure memories close to your heart. Minsan tinatapon nalang nila sa basurahan kasi baka for them, it’s not worth it. Ganon na lang din isipin mo.



“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

2017 made sure I learned a lot from life, friends, people, experiences, attitude, personal growth and love. I realized many things and even though I have to learn some things the hard way, I am glad it all happened.

Have you ever said this phrase or have someone said that in your face?

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

I realized that we say nice things, heart filling things like this but when all else fails, we forget the true meaning of it. If you said that you’ll always be a friend “no matter what” for me it should mean that whatever shit you go through, may it be hell and back, you’d stick with each other and try to patch things up as hard as you can because there are things in life that would test a friendship. It should not always be about good times, you have to share bad times too and when you go past that then that’s when you’ll know a friendship is true.

I will keep in mind for as long as I live that the words I’d drop are words I can live by.

I hope you guys do that too.


Drenched By The Waves of Reality

How? What happened? What changed and how I was able to do it?

In all these, aside from God that I have to thank for being with me through it, I have my mom of course and Kyx. I also have you guys, your patience is/was extraordinary. I was in this stupid cycle for way too long and I kept writing about it with different emotions, different updates but same problem and dilemma yet you were still there to help me get back on track. Feeling ko para ako yung tangang tao na paulit ulit nagrarant na iniwan ng boypren na umiiyak tapos magiging okay tapos iiyak ulit tapos kayo yung mga kaibigan kong ang laki ng pasensya sa akin. Thank you for all of that, for understanding me and being with me. What I went through may sound so simple to others but for me it’s a huge deal. Ibang klaseng mawalan ng kaibigan. Lalo na kapag akala mo forever friends na kayo. It’s just, it’s really hard. It was hard for me.

How I did it is nothing scientific or mathematical. It was all in front of me and I chose not to accept it. I was in denial for a long time and the situation wasn’t hard at all but I made it hard for myself. I realized how simple it is yet I refused to grasp on the idea and absorb it. I mean, what the fudge, Aila?!

You would (won’t) probably be surprised about how the secret unfolded right before my eyes (mind) but it was so simple. Nakakainis.

My last dilemma before I gave up was the questions I have been asking myself. I wrote about it, you guys knew about it. One fine day, I was slapped with the bitter truth and I tell you, there’s nothing more satisfying than finally opening your eyes as a huge wave of facts wash over you and you have no choice but to be drenched by it. I was so hungry for closure but deep inside, it wasn’t closure that I was seeking but I was wanting an apology from these people who hurt me thinking I can heal and move on immediately once I learned that they actually thought about their actions and regretted hurting me. That’s how I was looking at it. When one of these people tried reaching out to me through an email, I thought I want an apology from the others so what I did was I tried to talk to 2 (leaving 2 more) people, apologized again for what I did and hoped I would get a “sorry din” but I got nothing. He he he. For someone who’s pride is as high as the Petronas Towers, I was crushed and shocked! I was left thinking, how??? How are these people able to sleep so soundly at night without even dreaming about me and wanting my forgiveness?? How do they do it?

When I wrote last time about wanting to know whether I was forgiven or not, wanting closure, seeking and in fact hungry for it, I also asked Kyx. Here goes the “I don’t know ddear. Kasi ang makakasagot lang sa tanong mo ay yung mga taong yan. Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi kahit sino. Sila lang makakasagot niyan.” That cut right through me. I cried. I was devastated cause I want them to apologize to me so badly!!!

As in hello sinaktan niyo ako!!! As in tangina ninyo, ang sakit sakit ng ginawa niyo sakin!!!!!! As in ang sakit sakit sakit sakit non. Mas masakit pa yun sa hindi ko paglaki kasama tatay ko! Mas masakit pa sa unang heartbreak ko! Mas masakit pa sa lahat ng ibang nangyari kaya putangina ninyo, magsorry kayo sakin kasi dinurog niyo ako!!!!

And that, my friends, that is what held me back. I wasn’t able to move forward properly because at the end of the day, my poor little heart is crushed because howwwww the fuck do you forgive people who never apologized to you?! It was hard. It was sooo fucking hard but I realized something and it felt like cold ice all over me. It’s awakening, liberating. It’s something. It’s crazy.

You see, we have these expectations from people not only because we would have done the same thing for them like love them the way we feel we should be loved but because we feel like we know they are kind, forgiving and have a soft heart. We hold on to things thinking about everything good they did to us, they did for us. We dwell in the past and cling on to these people because we give them excuses such as they’re just still hurt, they were cruel because they were just angry, they didn’t apologize because maybe they’re shy and uncomfortable. We give them terrible excuses so we can accept them but we fail to see the reality, the truth, the bitter truth that—no, they would not apologize simply because they don’t want to. They forgot you simply because they chose to do so. They did not bother with you anymore simply because you have ceased to exist in their pretty world.

We fail to accept the ugly things we and other people do because we have certain expectations from them.

Pero hindi lahat ng tao pare-pareho, hindi lahat kayang aminin ang kanilang pagkakamali, hindi lahat iniisip ang peace of mind ng kapwa nila, hindi lahat ng tao mabait.

Even though I know that they know they did something wrong, the fact is that they just didn’t feel the need to apologize. May mga ganon pala talagang tao at sino ba naman ako para mag-expect ng apology diba.

When I accepted that they would probably never apologize thinking I deserve nothing but their absence, I felt lighter and naging tuloy tuloy na.

Life doesn’t work the way we expect it to be because humans like to complicate simple things. Instead of saying sorry, we give other people burden and hell just for the heck of it when in fact we can just simply fucking say sorry. But hey, c’est la vie!

Don’t get stuck wanting an apology or wanting love or wanting acceptance from others. Don’t get yourself stuck somewhere because you deserve to get a move on. You deserve a better life and you have to do it for YOU.


Let’s Celebrate!

Let me update you guys with how (well) I’m doing with all these moving on thing from my ex friends.

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you know that I have gone through a hell-ish experience the day after I turned 26. That involved cutting off important people from my life and being cut from theirs as well. It also meant saying goodbye to those whom I shared my life for 15 years and that has been a huge struggle for me.

Creating a new Facebook account and instagram actually did help with the healing process. I filtered who I want to keep in both my social media life and real life.

It was hard to focus on healing when I was left seeking for closure. Somehow, I think, I was wanting people to apologize to me thinking that maybe they have realized that they did me wrong even if I know we’ll never be friends again. Maybe I was too hurt to grasp the fact that I didn’t get the apology I needed for my own healing so I felt like I needed closure. I didn’t. Now I know I don’t need it and I can sleep better at night knowing that I did my part.

After so many tears, falling again and standing up for a good 6 months, finally, I can truthfully say, without bitterness, without questions anymore that I have already moved on! I AM SO HAPPY.

Looking back, it would still give me a pinch but I am not angry anymore. I don’t even seek apologies I’d never receive, I don’t even care anymore. It’s like I just totally moved on from being stuck somewhere.

You guys are right. Makakaget over din ako talaga and eto na nga iyon. I don’t miss them anymore, hindi ko na naiisip na if there are things I want to talk about sila yung gusto kong kausapin. Aside from a few friends left that are not part of that circle, I have Kyx. I also have people from TFIOB who I surprisingly admire and trust!! I also have office friends and lastly, I have my mom. So nag-focus na ako doon and hindi na ako nagdu-dwell sa past kasi tapos na iyon at wala na akong magagawa. Kung ayaw nila ng closure at nagawa nila ng walang kahirap hirap, maybe I should do it for myself din diba.  So sobrang happy ako na nakamove on na ako from my sad sappy self. HUHUHUHU dahil diyan, inuman na!


Someone Tell Me

When it comes to healing, moving on and letting go

Why do we need closure, why do we seek and crave for it? And why, despite knowing that this is probably common and needed, people do not give it to you?

Why do we need to hear whether we are forgiven or not, why do we need to be put into place? Why do we need to know these things?

Why despite the chances of hearing and knowing the bad things they have to say, we still want to hear it anyway?

Someone tell me. Seriously. I need to be enlightened.