Same Story, Different Perspective Part 2

The days have gone by and all I could do was write about my feelings. You all were there when I was so down and you knew what happened.

Now that I have moved on from it, I realized how important intentions are. I realized how it is good to figure out the intention or objective of someone when doing something so that you will understand what’s up. I mean if you know what the intention is, you would probably be more rational or understanding right? I don’t know if you get what I mean but that’s that. Hahahaha

Like maybe, if they knew that my intention was nothing but just simply saying what I had in mind and that it wasn’t meant to offend, that I am just really a blunt and a half insensitive nobody in their freaking right mind would be so angry.

I guess what I really wanted to say is this.

I have forgiven you already and I hope that you know what you did was wrong. What you did was cruel. You wanted people to hate me the way you did and so you had to hurt other people’s feelings just so you could succeed. I know it did make you a little happy and felt as though you have accomplished something but I also think that what victory and joy you felt did not last long. It couldn’t have lasted long because for sure you have realized that you made a big mess out of a small puddle. It wasn’t even supposed to be messy looking back. Hahaha. You made me look as if what I said were wrong, as if my comment of “dati naman na siyang maldita” was not true when in reality IT IS WHAT IT IS. The person I was pertaining to in that comment even admits to it (pero confused ako kasi nagalit din sya kahit na totoo naman and she was even proud of it so??? Di ko gets)

Everything is in the past now. You were calling me out for what you think is “betrayal” but what you did was the actual exact same thing! It’s funny how you can twist words and stories but I do hope you get really good sleep at night. Because I do. You know why? Because I figured my intentions were clear, I figured that though it may have been very wrong for me to speak so bluntly and insensitive, I never spoke of lies. I always always just described how I saw it. And now I know when to shut the fuck up, thanks to you being all twisty and stuff. I have learned that though my intentions were clear as crystal, people can twist my words and tell a different story from it. It’s so stupid that I am only realizing this now. Hayyyyy.

Oh well, all is good now.

I don’t have plans on being friends with these people anymore and it’s not painful, it’s all forgiven but it should all be left where it belongs—in the past.

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Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.

“It’s Okay”

Why do we have the nagging fear of missing out? What is it that we feel like we always have to be part of something? Why do we need to fit in places we don’t fit into no matter how hard we try?

If you have the fear of missing out, if you want so badly to fit in and you look at your past as if you lost something and it gets really hard to move forward, here’s a reminder.

  • Yes it’s fun while it lasted, it’s good while it lasted, and everything was such a blast until it had to end. The initial feeling we have would be regret, heartache, resentment and insert all feelings of hurt here but (I know it’s easier said than done) couldn’t we all have a change in perspective? Say for example, gratefulness and even relief! How about hope? Let’s change our attitude towards bad endings. Let’s nod or tip off your hat and welcome the new beginning! Be hopeful for what is in store for us in the days that are coming.
  • It’s okay to not be part of something you used to be part of. I get the feeling that you are like this piece of puzzle and you seriously fit into it perfectly and then all of a sudden, the picture changed and you as a piece—is not needed anymore. It’s okay, don’t get sad over shit like that for you have your own new picture with lots of other new puzzle pieces that fit in its place now. A picture that also do not need the old puzzle pieces anymore. Quits lang, kumbaga.
  • A closed door, a different path is not the end of it all. It’s also a sign of new opportunities and growth!

I was thinking the other day about my old friends and how I am not going to be part of their lives, their future and even their milestones. I wouldn’t be able to be there, be proud, be happy for them when they reach their dreams and that’s okay. Not that it’s okay because “quits lang” but it’s really okay because maybe, our lives are only weaved for a period of time and that it was broken off for the better. It’s okay because moving on, letting go and growing means leaving the past behind because that’s where it is meant to be left.

And just as my mom always says, people who left us and chose to weed us out of their lives are the ones that we don’t need panghihinayang.

 Kaya, okay lang yan. Okay lang talaga yan.

Ngayong Oktubre

Sinabi na sa atin nang paulit ulit, at ilang beses na rin naman nating natunghayan, na ang lahat ng pasakit, lahat ng masakit, lahat ng kahindik-hindik na tagpo sa ating buhay ay natatapos, nakakalimutan, napapatawad, naiiwan sa nakaraan sa oras na pinili na nating lumakad pasulong, sa oras na pinili na nating lumisan.

Oo. Lahat tayo nakakamove on. Lahat ng sugat ng nakaraan din kasi ay naghihilom.

Kapag iniisip ko lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko, pinipilit kong alalahanin kung anong nangyari sa lumang sarili ko. Ano ba ako noong mga panahong iyon? Nalugmok ba ako at umiyak ng sobra? Hindi ko na maalala kung paanong pinilit ng utak kong kalimutan ang mga nangyari. Hindi ko na maalala ang lahat nga ng pangyayari, pero ang alam ko, simula nang inumpisahan kong umisod, simula nung inihakbang ko ang mga paa ko, unti unti nang naghilom ang mga sugat na hindi ko naman sigurado kung natamo ko ba sa ibang tao o sa sarili kong kagagawan.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ikukwento ng maayos sa inyo yung mga bagay na naiisip ko ngayong naglangib na nga ang malalim na sugat ko. Dati kasi, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong may kagagawan ng lahat, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong dahilan kung bakit nagkaganito at bumalentong ang mundo ko. Pero kasi hindi eh. Hindi maaaring masaktan ka na tipong ikaw lang ang may kasalanan, na ikaw lang ang lahat ng may kagagawan. Hindi naman sa sinasabi kong sisihin natin ang ibang tao pero kasi, narealize ko na ang sagot sa mga katanungan ko ay makikita ko lang sa oras na mas mahal ko na ang sarili ko. Yung bang may paninindigan ako, yun bang hindi ako makikinig o maniniwala sa sasabihin ng ibang tao dahil mas kilala ko ang sarili ko. Nakilatis ko na rin ang mga taong talagang may pagmamahal at malasakit sakin kaya naman hindi na ako nagpapatinag sa mga opinyon ng kung sino sino lang.

Una, napag-isip isip kong hindi para sa akin ang ginawa nila kundi para sa kanila. Wala naman akong nakuha o na-gain sa mga bagay na sinabi nila. Sila ang may nakuha. Siguro kung tumaas ang self-esteem nila at napatatag nila ang mga sarili nila, eh di good. Pero ngayon ko napagtanto na hindi iyan ang sisira sa pagkatao ko.

Masakit kung sa masakit pero nung tinanggap ko na para naman sa inyong selfish na desisyon, natauhan ako. (buti nalang hindi ako nagpakamatay noong panahon na yun kasi hindi pala talaga worth it)

Pangalawa, hindi nakakasaya, nakakagaan sa loob at nakakakumpleto ang isang bagay na ginawa mo para malugmok ang isang tao. Hindi ako nagpapaka-victim dito dahil alam naman nating may fair share ako ng kamalditahan ko, pero walang nanalo o natalo kaya wag sanang isiping “victory” ang isang bagay na nakapanakit deliberately. Hindi yan ang ikasasaya mo.

Pangatlo, lahat ng tao sa mundo nagkakasakitan kaya tingin ko isa sa mga goals dapat natin sa buhay ay ang makapagpatawaran sa mga taong nanakit satin, sa mga taong nagkaroon tayo ng hindi magandang alaala.

Hindi ko na pinapangarap na makipagusap sila ng maayos o humingi manlang ng tawad sa oras na sinaktan nila ako. Napagtanto ko naman na din na ang universe na ang gagawa ng paraan upang iparamdam sayo kung ano ang pinaramdam mo sa ibang tao. Babalik at babalik din kasi yan eh. Hindi mo ba naisip yun?

Kaya ngayong Oktubre, pinapatawad ko yung mga taong nakapanakit sa akin ng husto. Pinatatawad ko sila kasi tapos ko nang patawarin ang sarili ko.

Empowered with Self Love!

I was just about to count the days after my friendship break up but counting would mean recounting so many bad memories and I’m just not into that right now. Especially that I am feeling extra good about myself and my life lately. No. I will not dull down this empowerment that God’s grace so generously bestowed upon me. He he he.

I was listening to Episode 14 of Wake Up with Jim And Saab and there was this light bulb moment. Like there will always be that someone who will try to bring you down (and succeed in the process) just to make themselves feel better (for a short period of time) because honestly, bringing someone down, breaking him/her to pieces does not make you gain a whole lot. It wouldn’t even make you happier in the long run come to think of it, so why? Why would you do that?

There may have been many reasons, of course and maybe I am also really bound to learn from these kind of things so I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a very long time, I blamed myself. I put myself in this really sad place and look at the happy memories as they flash in my mind every. single. day. then it would dissolve into sad grey colored thing and tears start to well up. That’s a cycle I have put myself into while in this dark, sad place. But day by day, I fight it. Day by day, I try crawling out, grappling every single thing out of the way just so I could see the light again, with bright colored sunshine-y things. Imagine dealing with that for a long time? Blaming yourself for shit. Not understanding everything and thinking to yourself that you actually deserved shit? How did I come as far as not loving myself the way I should? I take in every single thing, when I was questioning myself I put it out in the world and someone said that maybe I was really the bad one? Maybe I was the toxic one and I deserved that? Then at the back of my head I’d think “maybe you’re right” even though I know that I am not like that. That I have a good heart and I cared too much. People would often take my sensitivity as cringe-worthy. Some would even go as far as telling me that I have too much feelings. Maybe yes, you guys are right, but it’s not like I cry in front of everyone and just be sappy and pabebe. No one would even notice that I am sad. It’s all in my thoughts and you guys just see it because I write about it in here and on twitter but it doesn’t mean that I go day by day crying and self-pitying.

All these things made me feel that I was really to be blamed and I try every day to improve myself, to be stronger, to acknowledge what needs to be worked on. However, what I learned in the process of improving myself is to let go. When I let it all go, when I didn’t take simple comments like that (that I’m sure wasn’t intended to make me feel bad about myself) by heart, I felt empowered.

I didn’t need to feel and think like “am I doing it the right way?” because I realized there is no “right way”. We all differ in our areas of strengths and weaknesses so my process and learning would be different from everyone else hence I didn’t need someone else’s approval whether I am doing the moving on and self improvement correctly.

I was able to take a grip and hold myself together for once. I understood myself better and knew myself more. I even loved myself more than I ever did in the past.

With all these, I went back to the time that I was brought down by my friends and looking back, I saw how strong I was to walk away. How I was put down because I can handle the heat, I can handle the stress. Because their own toxicity wouldn’t work on me. And it had to take a collective effort to throw someone under a bus—I must have really been such a top gal wasn’t I? HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, I do not blame myself anymore (or anyone else for that matter) because with learning to love myself, I realized that I don’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves something like that. Looking at the bigger picture, what happened was complete and utter bullshit. A complete waste of time and energy.

What did you even gain when you tried to bring a friend down? What did you gain when I left the group? Did it make you really happy knowing that you hurt someone deliberately? Think about it.

I am not bitter anymore and slowly but surely, I am taking away all of what makes me sad in my heart by learning to completely forgive anyone who has hurt me and done me wrong (whether they realize it or not) It’s such a relief for me to be able to love myself and understand myself better now.

Nagdadasal ka ba pag gising na pag gising mo?

Matic kasi ako na bago matulog at pag gising na pag gising, si God ang kinakausap ko. Para siyang silent listener. Kuda ako ng kuda, kinukwento ko sakanya yung mga nararamdaman ko, yung mga nangyari, mga naiisip ko. Araw araw humihingi din ako ng kapatawaran para sa mga nagawa kong hindi maganda tapos susundot ako ng mga request lalo na about health and strength.

Minsan kahit paulit ulit na nga yung sinasabi ko sakanya hindi ko pa rin maalala. Parang nabubura sa memorya ko. Hindi ko alam kung sa sobrang antok ko ba o kasi kung ano ano lang sinasabi ko?

Pero tuwing gitna na ng araw, binabalikan ko yung oras na nagdasal ako nung gabi at nung umaga. Inaalala ko kung ano nga ba yung sinabi ko sa Panginoon.

Kanina napaisip ako tapos tandang tanda ko yung dasal ko.

“Lord, ayoko na. Ayoko na silang maisip. Ayoko na silang mapanaginipan ulit. Ayaw ko na”

Tapos ngayon nung inaalala ko yang mga sinabi ko, para bang naawa ako sa sarili ko. Ano ba ako unconsciously? Sa mga oras na mahinang mahina pa ang katawan at isipan ko, ano ba akong klaseng tao? Iniisip ko tuloy, malungkot ba ako? Broken pa ba ako on the inside? Hindi ba ako masaya? Hindi pa ba ako tapos magluksa sa mga taong buhay na namatay lang sa buhay ko? Ano na ba??

Pero bigla ko din naisip na kahit sa mahinang estado ng katawan ko, half asleep man ako, malakas pala ang puso kong kumawala sa mga nakakasakit. Akala ko martyr lang ako habang buhay na kahit gaano kasakit handa akong magpatawad at tanggapin ang mga taong nanakit sa akin ng buong puso. Matagal kong hinintay ang pagbabalik ng mga taong umiwan sakin. Matagal kong iniisip, hinahangad na baka magkaroon ng twist ang storya ng buhay ko, nab aka kapag may ginawa ako at kinausap ko sila, pinuntahan sa bahay o trabaho, mababago ang ihip ng hangin. Magkakaroon ng happy ending.

Pero iba na ngayon.

Alam kong kung hindi man ibigay ng panginoon ang pagkakataon na magkaroon ng second chance sa pagkakaibigang iyon, matatag ako. Kaya ko. Kasi ayaw ko nang masaktan. Ayaw ko na silang isipin, ayaw ko na silang mapanaginipan ulit.

In The Middle of August

Wow, we’re in the middle of August already! That means our anniversary is in less than a week plus Paramore’s concert is also going to be next week and the next thing I know, it’s almost the end of my happy freaking month?! Woah!

Okay so before I publish the things I wrote for the past few days, I’ll give you this one first!

  1. Ultimate Surprising Experience So Far
  • This would have to be the TFIOB (girls) Night at Rhea’s condo unit. I swear. This surprised me on a different level. Wait, let me publish it right away after this HAHAHAHA.

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  1. Current Obsessions
  • I started obsessing over podcasts in July when I listened to Wake Up with Jim and Saab but I like to consider it as a full blown obsession when August started. I was so hooked to so many other podcasts aside from Jim and Saab’s. My go-to podcast would have to be that and Self-Helpless (go check them out!)
  1. Did Differently This Month
  • More than ever, I found myself still being reflective but self-aware and happier. I mean usually, when I think things through or like play over and over a scenario or a behaviour over my head, I get so emotionally tangled to that which leaves me no space for growth and understanding. So this month, I love how I am reflective but at the same time pushing myself to see the bigger picture.

    I included this because I look what I feel: Happier!
  1. Currently Practicing
  • I have been practicing a lot of things but my most favourite one is complaining less, caring less and being happier with myself. It takes a great deal of effort to really be patient and kind especially if a lot of things piss you off but like I said, practicing it often leads to achieving that goal. I am more patient, I don’t complain as much as I used to, I cared less about what others think and say negatively about me and I’m overall just really happier!

    That’s my office BFF! Always happy and myself when I’m with her.
  1. Working On Physically
  • I plan to work on going back to making art regularly again but since there’s a lot on my plate that I need to handle, I am just focused on working on going back to boxing and doing yoga regularly. Not working out really made me feel like shit and have become overall shitty to Kyx so he’s all for me—working out so that I don’t turn into a “monster” lels.
  • This is me feeling all glowy whenever I work out. Sorry I don’t have photos of me working out because I’m shy hahaha

I hope your mid-month is working just fine! 🙂

Wrote this on August 15, 2018