How To Delete?

I don’t know but the purpose of my hard drive has been changed accidentally. My brother initially gave it to me so I can store movies and series and everything I want without worrying about the little space my small laptop could offer. Now, my hard drive is being used to store the junk that I couldn’t delete yet I choose to save for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.

I am looking for excuses as to why the photos and videos of me and my ex best friends are kept and stored safely on my hard drive when in all honesty, there’s no reason for it at all. When everything turned sour and bad and I was left to rot, there’s no turning back. I know for a fact that no one wants to go back there, in that hellhole of a shitty place. Not even the shittiest person would choose to go back there yet I still choose to keep the memories, the stuff left behind, the ones left for me.

Half of the space used up are because photos and videos and random selfies we took from days when we had solid fun. I don’t think it makes me happy or sad just by looking at it but I keep wondering why is it still there.

A friendship breakup is harder than a couple break-up. Or is it just me? Well, every broken relationship is sick and sad but this, this is crazier than all other break ups because in friendship, no one expects or preempts a break up. Maybe that’s why it is harder.

My hard drive still sits beside me while I’m typing this and I still can’t find it within me to delete everything. Trust me, it’s not like I look at everything and cry. Maybe sooner or later I’ll be able to delete it but until that day arrives, I don’t know what to do with it.

Most of the photos were from adventures we took! Places we visited, restaurants we tried. In those pictures and videos, we looked so happy. We looked unbreakable. But not everything is what it seems to be.

Hindi lahat ng masayang tignan ay masaya talaga. I hate you sometimes, Memories. Nakakagulo ka ng damdamin at isipan. Pakshet.

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How Emo is My Soul?

Let’s look inside me, let’s see what gives me nightmares if not every night at least twice a week, let’s check what gives me heartaches, let’s see what’s up. What really is up inside my core.

I have long forgotten to ask. Somehow I have convinced myself that I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay, I really am. I function every day, my immune system is even stronger than it has ever been, my mental health is a-okay, everything is good nowadays when it comes to my emotions and my mental state. I don’t think I’m ill, I don’t think depression will win over me, I don’t think anxiety will come knocking on my door yet again anytime soon.

I tried as much as I can to let go and move on. After all, it’s a win-win situation. I’d like to believe that I also won, I know I won somehow. They also did, somehow. They may probably even feel more successful than ever because they got rid of me, like a stinky cat no one likes to bring under their wings. Like a stray dog they can just bring into the woods and accidentally get lost. Like an old crafting material, not as shiny, not as useful. Somehow, I felt abandoned and no one likes that feeling.

You, you and you, you may have been hurt but you have never felt the pain of being abandoned. For crying out loud, I want to pull my own hair for again, writing about this. But the more painful thing, something more pathetic is the fact that I still feel this pain. Will this be forever painful? Will I still feel a pinch somewhere inside me when I think about it?

While I was taking a bath this morning, I thought about the other people in the circle of friends I have left. I thought of those not involved. I thought of them and I wondered why they never thought of me? No one even bothered to ask how I was feeling. No one even took their time to write me something, not even a single soul. I tried to rip everything that I can from my tiny little broken soul just so I couldn’t feel the pain, just so I don’t keep hurting myself by just thinking about them but. I can’t. It’s hard.

Why didn’t you even bother asking me if I am in any way “okay”? Why didn’t you even think of me?

And why do I still bother asking these questions?

Stop Saying That

I don’t know but, well, people keep saying “I’ll be there for you no matter what” but then when the “no matter what” point comes, they’re gone.

This is the “no matter what” already, where are you?

Stop saying shit you can’t stand for.

No One Deserves That Kind of Cruelty

Just now, when I woke up, I realized that hey, no, I don’t deserve that kind of cruelty! And no one actually deserves it to be honest.

When I was still so confused, I felt and thought that maybe I deserved all the shit. I deserved to be shamed like that, I deserved that my best friends pitted on me. It was hard for me to process everything especially that my mind was too clouded and I ate all the shit they served me. My first instinct when confronted with the bad stuff I did or with the bad things I have said a hundred years ago was to apologize because well, I did say bad stuff and I may have added fuel to the fire for one time too many and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t alone. I was with people talking behind another person. Looking back, it’s both funny and sad.

Not because I still long for them, hell no. The fact that I thought I actually deserved it was sad and funny because no one was kind enough in that group to tell me and the others that it wasn’t a one man’s fault. HAH!

I stand today, knowing in my heart that I did not deserve it. No one deserves that kind of mental and emotional trauma these “friends” have put me through.

Good riddance and I hope this doesn’t happen to you or you won’t do anything like this anymore.

* *If you are one of those who did this to me and you’re reading this, don’t get mad. People do not know who you are. 😉 I didn’t name drop.

The Story Why I Lost (my high school) Friends

Once and for all, let me tell you what happened. Let me write this now that my head is finally cleared and my emotions are controlled.  This is lengthy but this tells my story. How I lost my high school friends.

At first I thought I lost them and I was the loser. Finally, I realized that I left. I forced myself to leave because I know my worth even if I had not realized it the time they were crucifying me. After all, ako naman ang nag-leave sa group chat. Hindi naman ako na-kick. HAHAHAHA 😛

For those who have recently just read my blog and have a little idea about the falling out I had 5 months ago, I think this is the best time to write this one. Now my old posts, not when I was crying, not when I was still so confused, lost and angry.

So here’s what happened, I still am a bit confused as to how and why this happened but at least I am not as wrecked as I have been.

My HS barkada was everything to me. I even named our group and we have nicknames. It was funny and cute before, now I don’t know. HAH! We are a big group, 12 people, we were all close and besties. But I guess, just like other groups, we had problems way back, we got irritated at some point and confided on each other that actually looked and sounded like backstabbing but I guess we were never really aware of it? Like I said in one of my pinned posts, I lost myself in the duration of being friends with them. It’s not their fault, it’s just, well, maybe a phase. I’m not sure but there were rants here and there. Mahirap kasi siguro if lagi magkasama, nagkikita and naguusap. Napupuna yung mga pangit na ugali ng isa’t isa and hindi naaappreciate yung mabubuting qualities. Fast forward sa 2017, there was this one girl in our group, we butt heads cause, IDK, she couldn’t explain as to why she sometimes gets annoyed with me even if I am not doing anything. So I got fed up and I told my best friend that I don’t like being friends with that person anymore though I am still okay to hang out with her cause it was inevitable. I guess when I said I didn’t want to be friends with that person, I meant I don’t want to be too attached anymore? I don’t want to hurt myself anymore? Then I guess my best friend told her HAHAHAHA. Cause she was the only person I talked to about it, then this girl got so angry because she learned that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore and that I invited her last minute to my birthday thing (I swear, at the last minute, I felt bad for not inviting other friends so I invited her. I think she thinks sinadya ko wag siya invite or di ko alam. Haha)

So 24 hours after my birthday, she sent screenshots of old conversations. The conversations we ranted about other people from our group. Then it got blown out of proportion and escalated pretty quickly, everyone was washing their hands and the next thing I knew, everyone’s fingers were pointed at me as if I was the only one who talked about other people when in fact we all did that HAHAHA! It was so dumb and childish. The conversations were 100 years ago!! HAHAHAHA. (seryosong tumatawa ako now haha)

So that’s the story why I became friendless. When everyone was fighting me, as in kampihan na silang lahat. Wala akong kakampi, lahat sila kampihan ako yung hindi nila bati, I was trying to pacify the situation, I was trying to apologize for what I did 100 years ago (te, ang tagal na talaga ng inuungkat. Mga centuries ago. Hindi ko na nga sure kung 100 years lang talaga eh HAHAAHAH) as in for all the shitty things I ever did and said since we were KIDS! High schoolers! As in ganyan levels. When no one was listening and everyone was just bashing me, I didn’t want to have it anymore, I decided I wasn’t having any of this, this is complete torture.

Hindi pa nila nada-digest yung pinalamon at pinainom ko sakanila nung birthday ko, ginaganyan na nila ako.

Exactly 24 hours after I turned 26 ah! I left the group chat.

Pinagbablock ko sila (I blocked them all) and then when they were whining, I learned that they were so shocked that I blocked them. Kahit na binabalahura niyo na ako bawal ko pa rin kayo i-block? Lels. 😛

I am not saying what I did was okay, I’m not downplaying the backstabbing but that was years ago. As in hello napunan na yung mistakes cause we changed a lot!?

I was still blaming myself weeks after. I was still in shock and I can’t believe my best friends turned their backs against me. AS IN. As in 15 years down the drain guys.

Now, I realized they weren’t truly my friends, best friends to begin with.

Maraming maling nangyari but I believe I was also wronged. That’s not how you confront someone, maybe matatanggap ko pa if nag-open forum kami. Hindi yung ako lang tinuturo nila. I guess they also played themselves and made themselves believe that they did no wrong, they didn’t say anything bad. As in nagtataka ako ngayon kasi they’re still friends HAHAAHAH. Nung nagkalabasan ng screenshots guys, as in lahat may sinasabi pero sakin lang ang spot light, nasa sa akin ang focus ng camera ni big brother HAHAHAHAHA.

Maybe it would be too personal if I share the screenshots kaya wag nalang. But yeah, if you read through the conversation, makikita mo si BFF 1 nagcocomment about BFF2 tapos sasagot ako. ANg ending, ako yung tinuturo ni BFF 1 nung nagkabukingan tapos yung sinabi ni BFF 1,PARANG NAWALA SA FOCUS? YUNG SAGOT KO NA “OO NGA” YUNG NAPANSIN? “Oo nga ka pa ah” sabi sakin HAHAHA.

Sabi pa sakin nung nagsosorry ako pa-awa daw ako HAHAHA. Pa-awa na palang mag-apologize ngayon.

So ayan, yan ang alamat ng pagiging HS Barkada-less ni Aila.

Again, I am not downplaying what I did in the past, like 500 years ago. No, I think it was wrong to side with other people. Instead of killing the fire, I drew more air and fuel to it. Instead of telling other friends to voice out their concerns or confront each other, instead of me—telling that one friend what my problem was with her (HS days) , instead of telling them what I felt, instead of  burying the hatchet early on, I ranted and gave other people the entitlement to my trust only to be betrayed. Like I said, maraming mali ang nangyari.

I forgave my ex best friends. I still feel sad and I dream about 2 of my best friends in most nights but I don’t cry over it anymore. It happened for a greater purpose and I have learned so much about myself, friendship and love. I swear I learned a lot of things that I wouldn’t have learned if not for what happened.

 

These Were My Thoughts Last Night

After what I have been through with my friendship break up from the people I have known for 15 years, I didn’t know I would welcome other people in my life. I didn’t know I would want to make friends again, I didn’t know I would find happiness without their company.

They were my constants, I allowed them to be my everything. I used to hang out with Kyx’s friends, I hang out with friends from a different circle but my (ex) besties, they were the ones I used to travel with. For all the lonely nights I have had since college, I drank with them. The first out of time I was ever allowed to with no adults involved was with them. My “alcoholic” days, was spent with them. My heartbreaks and different problems, I distracted myself with them—everything I did, everything I went through, I was with them. When they turned their backs against me, when one of our friends took screenshots of all the badmouthing we ever did to each other and when I was the one blamed for everything even if it was a group fault, no one backed me up, everyone was just washing their own hands while I was left apologizing for whatever things I have said and done 100 years ago (they brought up all our unresolved issues way back high school—the purpose of it all, I would never know. I guess that person hated me so much she had to do it the way she did)and when I was left alone, tipong naiwan na ako sa ere, I didn’t expect myself opening up to the world again, healing and trying to make friends.

I didn’t know I would trust again, I didn’t know I would be okay opening myself to relationships after what happened.

Gladly, I wasn’t desperate after that. I didn’t force myself to hang out with other people, I just let myself go with the flow of life. I didn’t have any rebound friends and I resorted to writing and getting to know myself a little more each day. I found myself semi-withdrawing again (I usually do it whether I am happy or sad. It’s normal for me) and wanting a lot of time for myself. I spent days contemplating and working on what needs to be improved within myself. I made myself love myself more.

Like I always say, I realized the true value and meaning of friendship and alongside it, I realized the true value of family and belongingness. I worked on myself, improved my life, stripped off the bad attitude, toxicity and negativity. I found all my missing pieces and placed it back together. The whole drama made me whole again.

Now, I understood why this have to happen. Why I have to lose the best friends I had. I understood that I had to lose them to find myself, because when I was with them, I lost ME. It wasn’t their fault, not entirely. The bad things they have done to me, all the pain they have caused me—they will realize it but of course, not all broken relationships can be put back together. I have forgiven them and now it’s up to them to forgive themselves and forgive me for all their reasons.

I am just glad that I found myself and got to know myself more. I have changed for the better and found friendship through other people I have never knew I’d find. My TFIOB family is what I consider my barkada now even if it is just in the blogosphere.

I still have my constants and I truly love them.

And just to put it out there, friendship isn’t just about hanging out and knowing each other for a long time. Friendship is sticking up for each other no matter what happens, it’s forgiving and understanding each other and loving instead of letting hate interfere.

Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google