Drenched By The Waves of Reality

How? What happened? What changed and how I was able to do it?

In all these, aside from God that I have to thank for being with me through it, I have my mom of course and Kyx. I also have you guys, your patience is/was extraordinary. I was in this stupid cycle for way too long and I kept writing about it with different emotions, different updates but same problem and dilemma yet you were still there to help me get back on track. Feeling ko para ako yung tangang tao na paulit ulit nagrarant na iniwan ng boypren na umiiyak tapos magiging okay tapos iiyak ulit tapos kayo yung mga kaibigan kong ang laki ng pasensya sa akin. Thank you for all of that, for understanding me and being with me. What I went through may sound so simple to others but for me it’s a huge deal. Ibang klaseng mawalan ng kaibigan. Lalo na kapag akala mo forever friends na kayo. It’s just, it’s really hard. It was hard for me.


How I did it is nothing scientific or mathematical. It was all in front of me and I chose not to accept it. I was in denial for a long time and the situation wasn’t hard at all but I made it hard for myself. I realized how simple it is yet I refused to grasp on the idea and absorb it. I mean, what the fudge, Aila?!

You would (won’t) probably be surprised about how the secret unfolded right before my eyes (mind) but it was so simple. Nakakainis.

My last dilemma before I gave up was the questions I have been asking myself. I wrote about it, you guys knew about it. One fine day, I was slapped with the bitter truth and I tell you, there’s nothing more satisfying than finally opening your eyes as a huge wave of facts wash over you and you have no choice but to be drenched by it. I was so hungry for closure but deep inside, it wasn’t closure that I was seeking but I was wanting an apology from these people who hurt me thinking I can heal and move on immediately once I learned that they actually thought about their actions and regretted hurting me. That’s how I was looking at it. When one of these people tried reaching out to me through an email, I thought I want an apology from the others so what I did was I tried to talk to 2 (leaving 2 more) people, apologized again for what I did and hoped I would get a “sorry din” but I got nothing. He he he. For someone who’s pride is as high as the Petronas Towers, I was crushed and shocked! I was left thinking, how??? How are these people able to sleep so soundly at night without even dreaming about me and wanting my forgiveness?? How do they do it?

When I wrote last time about wanting to know whether I was forgiven or not, wanting closure, seeking and in fact hungry for it, I also asked Kyx. Here goes the “I don’t know ddear. Kasi ang makakasagot lang sa tanong mo ay yung mga taong yan. Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi kahit sino. Sila lang makakasagot niyan.” That cut right through me. I cried. I was devastated cause I want them to apologize to me so badly!!!

As in hello sinaktan niyo ako!!! As in tangina ninyo, ang sakit sakit ng ginawa niyo sakin!!!!!! As in ang sakit sakit sakit sakit non. Mas masakit pa yun sa hindi ko paglaki kasama tatay ko! Mas masakit pa sa unang heartbreak ko! Mas masakit pa sa lahat ng ibang nangyari kaya putangina ninyo, magsorry kayo sakin kasi dinurog niyo ako!!!!

And that, my friends, that is what held me back. I wasn’t able to move forward properly because at the end of the day, my poor little heart is crushed because howwwww the fuck do you forgive people who never apologized to you?! It was hard. It was sooo fucking hard but I realized something and it felt like cold ice all over me. It’s awakening, liberating. It’s something. It’s crazy.

You see, we have these expectations from people not only because we would have done the same thing for them like love them the way we feel we should be loved but because we feel like we know they are kind, forgiving and have a soft heart. We hold on to things thinking about everything good they did to us, they did for us. We dwell in the past and cling on to these people because we give them excuses such as they’re just still hurt, they were cruel because they were just angry, they didn’t apologize because maybe they’re shy and uncomfortable. We give them terrible excuses so we can accept them but we fail to see the reality, the truth, the bitter truth that—no, they would not apologize simply because they don’t want to. They forgot you simply because they chose to do so. They did not bother with you anymore simply because you have ceased to exist in their pretty world.

We fail to accept the ugly things we and other people do because we have certain expectations from them.

Pero hindi lahat ng tao pare-pareho, hindi lahat kayang aminin ang kanilang pagkakamali, hindi lahat iniisip ang peace of mind ng kapwa nila, hindi lahat ng tao mabait.

Even though I know that they know they did something wrong, the fact is that they just didn’t feel the need to apologize. May mga ganon pala talagang tao at sino ba naman ako para mag-expect ng apology diba.

When I accepted that they would probably never apologize thinking I deserve nothing but their absence, I felt lighter and naging tuloy tuloy na.

Life doesn’t work the way we expect it to be because humans like to complicate simple things. Instead of saying sorry, we give other people burden and hell just for the heck of it when in fact we can just simply fucking say sorry. But hey, c’est la vie!

Don’t get stuck wanting an apology or wanting love or wanting acceptance from others. Don’t get yourself stuck somewhere because you deserve to get a move on. You deserve a better life and you have to do it for YOU.

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Let’s Celebrate!

Let me update you guys with how (well) I’m doing with all these moving on thing from my ex friends.

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you know that I have gone through a hell-ish experience the day after I turned 26. That involved cutting off important people from my life and being cut from theirs as well. It also meant saying goodbye to those whom I shared my life for 15 years and that has been a huge struggle for me.

Creating a new Facebook account and instagram actually did help with the healing process. I filtered who I want to keep in both my social media life and real life.

It was hard to focus on healing when I was left seeking for closure. Somehow, I think, I was wanting people to apologize to me thinking that maybe they have realized that they did me wrong even if I know we’ll never be friends again. Maybe I was too hurt to grasp the fact that I didn’t get the apology I needed for my own healing so I felt like I needed closure. I didn’t. Now I know I don’t need it and I can sleep better at night knowing that I did my part.

After so many tears, falling again and standing up for a good 6 months, finally, I can truthfully say, without bitterness, without questions anymore that I have already moved on! I AM SO HAPPY.

Looking back, it would still give me a pinch but I am not angry anymore. I don’t even seek apologies I’d never receive, I don’t even care anymore. It’s like I just totally moved on from being stuck somewhere.


You guys are right. Makakaget over din ako talaga and eto na nga iyon. I don’t miss them anymore, hindi ko na naiisip na if there are things I want to talk about sila yung gusto kong kausapin. Aside from a few friends left that are not part of that circle, I have Kyx. I also have people from TFIOB who I surprisingly admire and trust!! I also have office friends and lastly, I have my mom. So nag-focus na ako doon and hindi na ako nagdu-dwell sa past kasi tapos na iyon at wala na akong magagawa. Kung ayaw nila ng closure at nagawa nila ng walang kahirap hirap, maybe I should do it for myself din diba.  So sobrang happy ako na nakamove on na ako from my sad sappy self. HUHUHUHU dahil diyan, inuman na!

How To Delete?

I don’t know but the purpose of my hard drive has been changed accidentally. My brother initially gave it to me so I can store movies and series and everything I want without worrying about the little space my small laptop could offer. Now, my hard drive is being used to store the junk that I couldn’t delete yet I choose to save for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.

I am looking for excuses as to why the photos and videos of me and my ex best friends are kept and stored safely on my hard drive when in all honesty, there’s no reason for it at all. When everything turned sour and bad and I was left to rot, there’s no turning back. I know for a fact that no one wants to go back there, in that hellhole of a shitty place. Not even the shittiest person would choose to go back there yet I still choose to keep the memories, the stuff left behind, the ones left for me.

Half of the space used up are because photos and videos and random selfies we took from days when we had solid fun. I don’t think it makes me happy or sad just by looking at it but I keep wondering why is it still there.

A friendship breakup is harder than a couple break-up. Or is it just me? Well, every broken relationship is sick and sad but this, this is crazier than all other break ups because in friendship, no one expects or preempts a break up. Maybe that’s why it is harder.

My hard drive still sits beside me while I’m typing this and I still can’t find it within me to delete everything. Trust me, it’s not like I look at everything and cry. Maybe sooner or later I’ll be able to delete it but until that day arrives, I don’t know what to do with it.

Most of the photos were from adventures we took! Places we visited, restaurants we tried. In those pictures and videos, we looked so happy. We looked unbreakable. But not everything is what it seems to be.

Hindi lahat ng masayang tignan ay masaya talaga. I hate you sometimes, Memories. Nakakagulo ka ng damdamin at isipan. Pakshet.

How Emo is My Soul?

Let’s look inside me, let’s see what gives me nightmares if not every night at least twice a week, let’s check what gives me heartaches, let’s see what’s up. What really is up inside my core.

I have long forgotten to ask. Somehow I have convinced myself that I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay, I really am. I function every day, my immune system is even stronger than it has ever been, my mental health is a-okay, everything is good nowadays when it comes to my emotions and my mental state. I don’t think I’m ill, I don’t think depression will win over me, I don’t think anxiety will come knocking on my door yet again anytime soon.

I tried as much as I can to let go and move on. After all, it’s a win-win situation. I’d like to believe that I also won, I know I won somehow. They also did, somehow. They may probably even feel more successful than ever because they got rid of me, like a stinky cat no one likes to bring under their wings. Like a stray dog they can just bring into the woods and accidentally get lost. Like an old crafting material, not as shiny, not as useful. Somehow, I felt abandoned and no one likes that feeling.

You, you and you, you may have been hurt but you have never felt the pain of being abandoned. For crying out loud, I want to pull my own hair for again, writing about this. But the more painful thing, something more pathetic is the fact that I still feel this pain. Will this be forever painful? Will I still feel a pinch somewhere inside me when I think about it?

While I was taking a bath this morning, I thought about the other people in the circle of friends I have left. I thought of those not involved. I thought of them and I wondered why they never thought of me? No one even bothered to ask how I was feeling. No one even took their time to write me something, not even a single soul. I tried to rip everything that I can from my tiny little broken soul just so I couldn’t feel the pain, just so I don’t keep hurting myself by just thinking about them but. I can’t. It’s hard.

Why didn’t you even bother asking me if I am in any way “okay”? Why didn’t you even think of me?

And why do I still bother asking these questions?

Stop Saying That

I don’t know but, well, people keep saying “I’ll be there for you no matter what” but then when the “no matter what” point comes, they’re gone.

This is the “no matter what” already, where are you?

Stop saying shit you can’t stand for.

No One Deserves That Kind of Cruelty

Just now, when I woke up, I realized that hey, no, I don’t deserve that kind of cruelty! And no one actually deserves it to be honest.

When I was still so confused, I felt and thought that maybe I deserved all the shit. I deserved to be shamed like that, I deserved that my best friends pitted on me. It was hard for me to process everything especially that my mind was too clouded and I ate all the shit they served me. My first instinct when confronted with the bad stuff I did or with the bad things I have said a hundred years ago was to apologize because well, I did say bad stuff and I may have added fuel to the fire for one time too many and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t alone. I was with people talking behind another person. Looking back, it’s both funny and sad.

Not because I still long for them, hell no. The fact that I thought I actually deserved it was sad and funny because no one was kind enough in that group to tell me and the others that it wasn’t a one man’s fault. HAH!

I stand today, knowing in my heart that I did not deserve it. No one deserves that kind of mental and emotional trauma these “friends” have put me through.

Good riddance and I hope this doesn’t happen to you or you won’t do anything like this anymore.

* *If you are one of those who did this to me and you’re reading this, don’t get mad. People do not know who you are. 😉 I didn’t name drop.

The Story Why I Lost (my high school) Friends

Once and for all, let me tell you what happened. Let me write this now that my head is finally cleared and my emotions are controlled.  This is lengthy but this tells my story. How I lost my high school friends.

At first I thought I lost them and I was the loser. Finally, I realized that I left. I forced myself to leave because I know my worth even if I had not realized it the time they were crucifying me. After all, ako naman ang nag-leave sa group chat. Hindi naman ako na-kick. HAHAHAHA 😛

For those who have recently just read my blog and have a little idea about the falling out I had 5 months ago, I think this is the best time to write this one. Now my old posts, not when I was crying, not when I was still so confused, lost and angry.

So here’s what happened, I still am a bit confused as to how and why this happened but at least I am not as wrecked as I have been.

My HS barkada was everything to me. I even named our group and we have nicknames. It was funny and cute before, now I don’t know. HAH! We are a big group, 12 people, we were all close and besties. But I guess, just like other groups, we had problems way back, we got irritated at some point and confided on each other that actually looked and sounded like backstabbing but I guess we were never really aware of it? Like I said in one of my pinned posts, I lost myself in the duration of being friends with them. It’s not their fault, it’s just, well, maybe a phase. I’m not sure but there were rants here and there. Mahirap kasi siguro if lagi magkasama, nagkikita and naguusap. Napupuna yung mga pangit na ugali ng isa’t isa and hindi naaappreciate yung mabubuting qualities. Fast forward sa 2017, there was this one girl in our group, we butt heads cause, IDK, she couldn’t explain as to why she sometimes gets annoyed with me even if I am not doing anything. So I got fed up and I told my best friend that I don’t like being friends with that person anymore though I am still okay to hang out with her cause it was inevitable. I guess when I said I didn’t want to be friends with that person, I meant I don’t want to be too attached anymore? I don’t want to hurt myself anymore? Then I guess my best friend told her HAHAHAHA. Cause she was the only person I talked to about it, then this girl got so angry because she learned that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore and that I invited her last minute to my birthday thing (I swear, at the last minute, I felt bad for not inviting other friends so I invited her. I think she thinks sinadya ko wag siya invite or di ko alam. Haha)

So 24 hours after my birthday, she sent screenshots of old conversations. The conversations we ranted about other people from our group. Then it got blown out of proportion and escalated pretty quickly, everyone was washing their hands and the next thing I knew, everyone’s fingers were pointed at me as if I was the only one who talked about other people when in fact we all did that HAHAHA! It was so dumb and childish. The conversations were 100 years ago!! HAHAHAHA. (seryosong tumatawa ako now haha)

So that’s the story why I became friendless. When everyone was fighting me, as in kampihan na silang lahat. Wala akong kakampi, lahat sila kampihan ako yung hindi nila bati, I was trying to pacify the situation, I was trying to apologize for what I did 100 years ago (te, ang tagal na talaga ng inuungkat. Mga centuries ago. Hindi ko na nga sure kung 100 years lang talaga eh HAHAAHAH) as in for all the shitty things I ever did and said since we were KIDS! High schoolers! As in ganyan levels. When no one was listening and everyone was just bashing me, I didn’t want to have it anymore, I decided I wasn’t having any of this, this is complete torture.

Hindi pa nila nada-digest yung pinalamon at pinainom ko sakanila nung birthday ko, ginaganyan na nila ako.

Exactly 24 hours after I turned 26 ah! I left the group chat.

Pinagbablock ko sila (I blocked them all) and then when they were whining, I learned that they were so shocked that I blocked them. Kahit na binabalahura niyo na ako bawal ko pa rin kayo i-block? Lels. 😛

I am not saying what I did was okay, I’m not downplaying the backstabbing but that was years ago. As in hello napunan na yung mistakes cause we changed a lot!?

I was still blaming myself weeks after. I was still in shock and I can’t believe my best friends turned their backs against me. AS IN. As in 15 years down the drain guys.

Now, I realized they weren’t truly my friends, best friends to begin with.

Maraming maling nangyari but I believe I was also wronged. That’s not how you confront someone, maybe matatanggap ko pa if nag-open forum kami. Hindi yung ako lang tinuturo nila. I guess they also played themselves and made themselves believe that they did no wrong, they didn’t say anything bad. As in nagtataka ako ngayon kasi they’re still friends HAHAAHAH. Nung nagkalabasan ng screenshots guys, as in lahat may sinasabi pero sakin lang ang spot light, nasa sa akin ang focus ng camera ni big brother HAHAHAHAHA.

Maybe it would be too personal if I share the screenshots kaya wag nalang. But yeah, if you read through the conversation, makikita mo si BFF 1 nagcocomment about BFF2 tapos sasagot ako. ANg ending, ako yung tinuturo ni BFF 1 nung nagkabukingan tapos yung sinabi ni BFF 1,PARANG NAWALA SA FOCUS? YUNG SAGOT KO NA “OO NGA” YUNG NAPANSIN? “Oo nga ka pa ah” sabi sakin HAHAHA.

Sabi pa sakin nung nagsosorry ako pa-awa daw ako HAHAHA. Pa-awa na palang mag-apologize ngayon.

So ayan, yan ang alamat ng pagiging HS Barkada-less ni Aila.

Again, I am not downplaying what I did in the past, like 500 years ago. No, I think it was wrong to side with other people. Instead of killing the fire, I drew more air and fuel to it. Instead of telling other friends to voice out their concerns or confront each other, instead of me—telling that one friend what my problem was with her (HS days) , instead of telling them what I felt, instead of  burying the hatchet early on, I ranted and gave other people the entitlement to my trust only to be betrayed. Like I said, maraming mali ang nangyari.

I forgave my ex best friends. I still feel sad and I dream about 2 of my best friends in most nights but I don’t cry over it anymore. It happened for a greater purpose and I have learned so much about myself, friendship and love. I swear I learned a lot of things that I wouldn’t have learned if not for what happened.