Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

This Is What You Lost

 

The day you turned your backs against me and I tried to accept that fact no matter how hard it was, that’s when you lost me.

I was so darn hurt that I lost a bunch of good people in my life, though I still think of you as good people no matter how shitty things went spiralling down, I have to force myself to not like you guys anymore as much as you dislike me.

The day when everything turned upside down, I didn’t realize it soon enough but that’s that day of my own freedom. I freed myself not from toxic people (as I said, I still think you guys are good people) but from my own toxic self. I left that sad and broken person that I was in the ditch just like what you guys did.

After a long time, after continuously on an up and down flinching, cringe-worthy roller coaster ride, after a bunch of meltdowns and crying I did, I finally realized that I may have lost something but these are what you lost.

You lost that one person willing to listen to your problems, joys and rants on a daily basis. You lost that person who will cheer for you no matter what. The one who will fight for you when all else fails, the one who will be there when no one else would be.

You lost that person willing to take a shit for you.

You lost that person who remembers you day in and day out, the one who will send you sweet and thoughtful messages. The one who will carry out giving you pieces of advice, that one person who will always always go the extra mile.

You lost the one who will listen to all your fears. The one who will surprise you just because she thought of you. The one who will give you random goodies because no matter what the odds may have brought for you guys in the past, she still thinks you deserve kindness from friends. You lost that “sweet” friend you once had.

That person when you messaged “I need u” would reply even if she’s riding a terribly crowded public transportation. The person who empathizes so much she cries when you cry. That one person who believes and cheers you on adult decisions. You lost that friend, among all your friends, who uses so much of her time making picture collages just for your birthday.

You lost that person who was there for you for so long. In crazy times, important times and in times when you just needed someone.

Have you forgotten all of that? Maybe that’s not really the basis of being a “true” friend, but it was ME who have been there most of the time.

You lost that person who was there for you whether you needed a friend or not.

I may have had rocky times with you guys, I may have had rough edges and I may have said and done terrible things but at the end of the day wouldn’t you look back and see that when your other friends weren’t around, who was there for you?

And so, this, that is what you lost. That one friend who you need not call because she was there for a whole lot of time whether you appreciate it or not.

 

“Kaibigan”

Yung feeling na kung kailan bente-sais anyos na ako, tsaka ko lang nalaman na kahit gaano mo na katagal na kilala, gaano karami ang pinagsamahan niyo ng isang tao, hindi ito sapat na basehan para matawag mo siyang kaibigan.
Translation:

That feeling when it took me 26 years to realize that knowing someone for a long time and going through hell and back together is not enough basis to call them your friend.