This Is Reality

If you’re a person like me and you put (waste) too much time thinking about a lot of things (even those that is not worth your time) then this is probably going to help you (us, both) face this reality.

There are things we know already yet we can’t grasp the idea unless someone else makes us realize. Thing is, I’ve been on this loop for quite a while now and I know the answers to my questions, I just can’t seem to accept it the way it is.

Truth is, some people, they forget us. They erase us so easily from their systems and are not even bothered by our absence. We don’t know for sure if they don’t think about us or secretly hope for the best for us but half of the time, they don’t think about us anymore and that’s the bitter thing we have to accept. I have to accept.

I have come to terms with myself to minimize talking about it but there are moments when I can’t help but pop out questions as to why there are people like that, why I feel this way, what should I do etc etc. I rarely do it now though (A and Kate know my moments lels)

Here are the heart ripping things I have learned and I should remember from this day forward:

  1. You can’t expect people to feel the way you feel for them. Like let’s say you long for them, you can’t expect them to do the same and long for you. It doesn’t work that way. Most of the time, feelings are not as mutual as we want them to be.
  2. They can erase you in their life as easy as pea and that’s probably confusing and puzzling and hard to accept especially if these people have been a huge part of your life; you can’t do anything about it but accept that YOU. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. ERASED. Poof! Just like that!
  3. Some people will not care whether you exist or have existed or not. You’re just a mere dust to them and they won’t even bother. They won’t feel your absence as much as you feel theirs.
  4. Memories are good where they should be left in the first place—the past. Memories are in the past and that shouldn’t keep you from moving forward. You think about all the happy things then you get sad then you go through the whole shithole of a cycle again and that keeps you from moving the fuck on (note to self lol)
  5. You can’t continue to feel bad over and over again for the same reason. You have to suck it all up one way or another and deal with it in order to survive.

I think I have blasted all these tiny details in my head and living it out is far more harder than I thought it would but I’m getting there. The dreams still have not stopped but they will. Soon, I guess.

And to end this as blatant as I possibly could for my own good I’d say…

Girl, kung nagawa ka namang kalimutan agad na walang remorse manlang or reflection from them and acceptance ng kamaliang nagawa nila then so be it. Wag nating hintayin na marealize nila yun because it will be too late when they do at para saan pa? Para ano pa? Kahit naman magsorry sila or maisip nila yung mali nilang nagawa wala na rin namang mangyayari at wala nang babalikan. Stop comforting yourself with the idea na you’ll finally get the closure you *deserve* when they realize the wrong things they did kasi baka nga matagalan ang realization nila na yun. Let’s not expect them to feel sorry for you and for what they did kasi hindi lahat ng tao reflective. “Ganon lang kadaling makalimutan ka” you ask? Eh ganon talaga. Not everyone is like you who holds and treasure memories close to your heart. Minsan tinatapon nalang nila sa basurahan kasi baka for them, it’s not worth it. Ganon na lang din isipin mo.



TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0


TFIOB 2nd Meet Up (Photo from Kuya Jheff)

Saturday, January 6, 2018 – TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

Of course, since I have to work from 9am to 4pm, I can’t make it on time. OBVS.

Right after work, I asked my officemate/friend, Anne if she can help me and my late sorry ass to go to Gateway Cubao. There was this “hidden” pathway called Butas and from there, we rode a tricycle heading to Guadalupe and then we rode the MRT going to Cubao. It was a fun experience because I don’t get to do that very often and I learned a lot from that trip (I’ll write about it some other time) Basta ang hirap huminga sa loob ng MRT, I swear haha.

When I arrived at Banapple, Gateway Mall (where the meet up was held) almost everyone was there. I didn’t get to talk to them as intimately as I’d liked to but it was still a fun experience. Those whom I met at the first meet up grew closer to my heart and the ones I’m meeting for the first time made me look forward to the next meet up.

There are still a lot of other Filipino bloggers from TFIOB that I’m looking forward to meet and talk to in person. Hopefully on the next meet up, I’d be able to see everyone.

On this meet up, I was able to meet these wonderful people and we all have different blogging styles, topics, culture, backgrounds and means of living but one thing that I realized is that everyone of us clicks just about right! We were able to set aside our differences and ang saya lang talaga hahah.

I’ll talk about the amazing things I experienced and realized while I was with them.

  1. I realized that I went out of my way for this people because these are the people that helped me when I was down and I love to see them and be able to talk to them personally.
  2. They helped me to get the hell out of my shell. When I am with them, I am not quiet and just a tinee weeny bit shy. It’s like they’re pushing me to give my full potential when socializing.
  3. They are really wonderful people. Go meet a writer and you’d feel like they really understand you to the core ?? And if not, they’ll try to understand you. I can’t explain the feeling, but just the openness of everyone? It’s impeccable!

Here are the bloggers I have met! Visit their blogs and see for yourself how wonderful these people are.

  • Kuya Jheff – He’s the one who organized the meet up hehe. Probably the kindest person I have met. He’s very patient, honest and nice. I really like him as a person. He inspires me to be better.
  • Rhea – Met her on the first meet up but I was not able to really socialize with her until the second meet up. She’s this strong amazing woman and she inspires me to be closer to God. 😀
  • Jas – The ball of energy that she is, is amazing!! She’s the life of the party and there is no dull moment when you are with her.
  • Jonathan – met this guy on the first meet up but was not able to really know him well, the second time I met him, I realized he’s kind, funny and a great person!
  • Kuya Keso and Ate Chococake – I was able to meet their kids at the meet up and huhuhu they are family goals talaga! Haha
  • Aysa – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was late and she needs to go home early hehe. But just like how she is in her blog—natural, kind and maganda!
  • Ely – I was looking forward to meet this person! KAKAIBANG FEELING! I didn’t know that Ely will be going talaga sa meet up and nung nakita ko na siya, NATUWA TALAGA AKO HUHUHU!
  • Kate – I think I knew Kate from the blog even before I knew these people and I was so excited to see her. FINALLY. She’s this amazing person who helped me in my darkest days. Huhuhu coffee date please!
  • Sensei – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was seated far from her although I was able to socialize with her before the meet up through comments and blog reading hehe. I like her!
  • Grace – I met her before at a blogging event but she can’t remember me HAHAHA. She’s this cute woman, very friendly and nice too! Can’t wait to see her again.
  • James – He’s this cool guy and I think he’s easy to get along with. He’s also very nice!
  • Patrick – I was not able to talk to him personally because when I arrived he already left but then he came back so we were just talking in groups with him hehe.
  • Pajama – She’s very mysterious but she has this game lagi vibes.

Overall, it was a nice experience to be able to at least meet the people behind the blogs I read every day. I hope our other TFIOB friends will be able to join us next time! Really looking forward to meeting a lot more people from the blogging community. Kakatuwa!

Hopefully, makita ko na din si Space, Alona, Kat, Jolens, Amielle, Kuya Albert, Jhem, Aubrey, Mikay, Ate Joy, Gerry, Chamy, Left Pencil, Jasmine, Ica, Kris, CJ, Ricaella, Monch, Marts, Meg, Marj, Eca, Princess, Deb, No Juan is an Island, Jirah, Vi, Jen , Idol Wanderer at marami pang iba! ❤

These are the blogs they wrote about the meet up:

Let’s Celebrate!

Let me update you guys with how (well) I’m doing with all these moving on thing from my ex friends.

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you know that I have gone through a hell-ish experience the day after I turned 26. That involved cutting off important people from my life and being cut from theirs as well. It also meant saying goodbye to those whom I shared my life for 15 years and that has been a huge struggle for me.

Creating a new Facebook account and instagram actually did help with the healing process. I filtered who I want to keep in both my social media life and real life.

It was hard to focus on healing when I was left seeking for closure. Somehow, I think, I was wanting people to apologize to me thinking that maybe they have realized that they did me wrong even if I know we’ll never be friends again. Maybe I was too hurt to grasp the fact that I didn’t get the apology I needed for my own healing so I felt like I needed closure. I didn’t. Now I know I don’t need it and I can sleep better at night knowing that I did my part.

After so many tears, falling again and standing up for a good 6 months, finally, I can truthfully say, without bitterness, without questions anymore that I have already moved on! I AM SO HAPPY.

Looking back, it would still give me a pinch but I am not angry anymore. I don’t even seek apologies I’d never receive, I don’t even care anymore. It’s like I just totally moved on from being stuck somewhere.

You guys are right. Makakaget over din ako talaga and eto na nga iyon. I don’t miss them anymore, hindi ko na naiisip na if there are things I want to talk about sila yung gusto kong kausapin. Aside from a few friends left that are not part of that circle, I have Kyx. I also have people from TFIOB who I surprisingly admire and trust!! I also have office friends and lastly, I have my mom. So nag-focus na ako doon and hindi na ako nagdu-dwell sa past kasi tapos na iyon at wala na akong magagawa. Kung ayaw nila ng closure at nagawa nila ng walang kahirap hirap, maybe I should do it for myself din diba.  So sobrang happy ako na nakamove on na ako from my sad sappy self. HUHUHUHU dahil diyan, inuman na!


Lately I have been thinking of how I can start my life anew. Like start on a clean slate.

I started to think about the old friends I used to have and how my life turned upside down. I started my forgiveness since the day I have finally understood that nope, there’s no going back. But forgiveness is a tricky thing and for the first time in a long time, I don’t blame myself for it.

I have pictured and made myself believe that I am walking forward, toward a new life but in reality I was trying to walk forward while turning for over a couple of dozens of times only to realize that there’s no need for me to look back.

Part of my being is keeping memories close to my heart. I can remember even the smallest of details from 20 years ago and it still plays very vividly on my mind as if it was just yesterday. So the problem with letting go of people is the memories I had back with them. I don’t think I was ever prepared that what I have held on for so long—the memories, are made to be forcibly forgotten.

How in the world will I ever forget these when I don’t even intend to remember it anymore? How will I do that?

I got a simple answer care of myself as usual. That’s when forgiveness enters and I must understand its meaning, value and what it entails.

When I forgive these people, I can move forward without hesitations, without looking back and regretting every step I took forward.

There are people I have cut out from my life and there are people who did just that to me. Now, in the midst of trying to let everything go and move on from where I am, I couldn’t help but think how some people can simply cut you off without having closure? But I guess that’s how the cope with things.

I just hope that I can leave everything behind and only look back from time to time without hurting myself on the thought of retracing memories. I just. I just really want to let myself go.


How Emo is My Soul?

Let’s look inside me, let’s see what gives me nightmares if not every night at least twice a week, let’s check what gives me heartaches, let’s see what’s up. What really is up inside my core.

I have long forgotten to ask. Somehow I have convinced myself that I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay, I really am. I function every day, my immune system is even stronger than it has ever been, my mental health is a-okay, everything is good nowadays when it comes to my emotions and my mental state. I don’t think I’m ill, I don’t think depression will win over me, I don’t think anxiety will come knocking on my door yet again anytime soon.

I tried as much as I can to let go and move on. After all, it’s a win-win situation. I’d like to believe that I also won, I know I won somehow. They also did, somehow. They may probably even feel more successful than ever because they got rid of me, like a stinky cat no one likes to bring under their wings. Like a stray dog they can just bring into the woods and accidentally get lost. Like an old crafting material, not as shiny, not as useful. Somehow, I felt abandoned and no one likes that feeling.

You, you and you, you may have been hurt but you have never felt the pain of being abandoned. For crying out loud, I want to pull my own hair for again, writing about this. But the more painful thing, something more pathetic is the fact that I still feel this pain. Will this be forever painful? Will I still feel a pinch somewhere inside me when I think about it?

While I was taking a bath this morning, I thought about the other people in the circle of friends I have left. I thought of those not involved. I thought of them and I wondered why they never thought of me? No one even bothered to ask how I was feeling. No one even took their time to write me something, not even a single soul. I tried to rip everything that I can from my tiny little broken soul just so I couldn’t feel the pain, just so I don’t keep hurting myself by just thinking about them but. I can’t. It’s hard.

Why didn’t you even bother asking me if I am in any way “okay”? Why didn’t you even think of me?

And why do I still bother asking these questions?


Weekend! Sept. 30 – Oct. 1

My weekend wasn’t fancy nor was it something great but some weekends are meant to be laidback just like this one.

September 30 – Saturday

  • It wasn’t too busy at work although I wish I was somewhere else instead of spending 8 hours at work.
  • After work, I met up with 2 of my Telus buddies, Suz and Crissy. We chose to spend time chit chatting at Costa coffee near my office. It was homey and cozy and not a lot of people hangs out at underrated coffee places like Costa hehe. After coffee, we went to Mercato at around 7pm. I ate lehon and a whole bunch of isaw manok and baboy. I was soooo full.
  • When I got home, I puked everything that I ate. My mom said it was “indigestion” hahahaha ang takaw ko daw kasi. Ayun, sinuka ko din lahat and until now, masakit pa rin lalamunan ko huhu.

October 1 – Sunday

  • I was still not feeling well so I didn’t get to go with my mom and sisters when they visited Laguna. Then Kyx had to go to his meeting so I was left at my mom’s house and slept the afternoon away. I even packed my watercolour and art materials thinking that I’d spend a lot of alone time for the day but boy was I wrong HAH!
  • Kyx picked me up at around 6pm and he bought my favourite goodies from Bread Talk which I absolutely loved!
  • When we got home, we had dinner with his parents and afterwards, Kyx and I watched movies. First movie was Gerald’s Game and the second one was a Korean film. I slept halfway the last movie and felt so sorry because Kyx wasn’t able to work that evening just so we could have our time together. Hehe. Anyway, he deserves time off! He works every freaking day (he’s home based so well, whatev)

Overall, I think my weekend is pretty nice. Minus the fact that I acquired an eye irritation due to allergies. Until now, I have this floater; a sac thing with water inside and it’s so itchy.

How was your weekend?

Oh btw, I’ll post the photos here later 😀


Crazy and Emotional

Last Saturday, I got to talk to one of my friends. That friend was part of the circle I left. I asked her what she thinks about the death of Horacio Castillo III and in the middle of our short discussion, I noticed that she hasn’t accepted my friend request on Facebook (the FB I am using now is a new one) so I asked her why, she said something like “Wala na ba yung fb mo dati? Di ko inaccept pa kasi baka lalo pa magkagulo gulo eh, gets mo naman siguro diba” HINDI KO GETS. (“Is your old FB gone for good? I didn;t accept it so as not to make things worse, if you know what I mean”—that’s the closest translation I could come up with lol)

It got me thinking, why do people who are not involved with the whole drama—involve themselves as if they’re part of it all. That person, was one of those who I think didn’t choose sides but, well, I don’t know anymore.

I was going back and forth, thinking if I should discuss any of this with Kyx but I chose not to because I feel like the more I keep talking about it, the more I bring myself despair and a lot of negative vibes to think about. Yet here I am, talking about it. I guess I only ever freely talk here on my blog.

With that incident, I keep thinking about it even if I know it’s not worth my energy, time and mental health. I hate myself for feeling bad about things that I can’t fix, things that I don’t even want to fix.

I’m sorry that you’re reading this crazy and emotional thoughts I’ve had over the weekend on a Monday (or Sunday or whichever day you’re reading this)

Let’s continue moving forward!