Lately I have been thinking of how I can start my life anew. Like start on a clean slate.

I started to think about the old friends I used to have and how my life turned upside down. I started my forgiveness since the day I have finally understood that nope, there’s no going back. But forgiveness is a tricky thing and for the first time in a long time, I don’t blame myself for it.

I have pictured and made myself believe that I am walking forward, toward a new life but in reality I was trying to walk forward while turning for over a couple of dozens of times only to realize that there’s no need for me to look back.

Part of my being is keeping memories close to my heart. I can remember even the smallest of details from 20 years ago and it still plays very vividly on my mind as if it was just yesterday. So the problem with letting go of people is the memories I had back with them. I don’t think I was ever prepared that what I have held on for so long—the memories, are made to be forcibly forgotten.

How in the world will I ever forget these when I don’t even intend to remember it anymore? How will I do that?

I got a simple answer care of myself as usual. That’s when forgiveness enters and I must understand its meaning, value and what it entails.

When I forgive these people, I can move forward without hesitations, without looking back and regretting every step I took forward.

There are people I have cut out from my life and there are people who did just that to me. Now, in the midst of trying to let everything go and move on from where I am, I couldn’t help but think how some people can simply cut you off without having closure? But I guess that’s how the cope with things.

I just hope that I can leave everything behind and only look back from time to time without hurting myself on the thought of retracing memories. I just. I just really want to let myself go.

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How Emo is My Soul?

Let’s look inside me, let’s see what gives me nightmares if not every night at least twice a week, let’s check what gives me heartaches, let’s see what’s up. What really is up inside my core.

I have long forgotten to ask. Somehow I have convinced myself that I am okay. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay, I really am. I function every day, my immune system is even stronger than it has ever been, my mental health is a-okay, everything is good nowadays when it comes to my emotions and my mental state. I don’t think I’m ill, I don’t think depression will win over me, I don’t think anxiety will come knocking on my door yet again anytime soon.

I tried as much as I can to let go and move on. After all, it’s a win-win situation. I’d like to believe that I also won, I know I won somehow. They also did, somehow. They may probably even feel more successful than ever because they got rid of me, like a stinky cat no one likes to bring under their wings. Like a stray dog they can just bring into the woods and accidentally get lost. Like an old crafting material, not as shiny, not as useful. Somehow, I felt abandoned and no one likes that feeling.

You, you and you, you may have been hurt but you have never felt the pain of being abandoned. For crying out loud, I want to pull my own hair for again, writing about this. But the more painful thing, something more pathetic is the fact that I still feel this pain. Will this be forever painful? Will I still feel a pinch somewhere inside me when I think about it?

While I was taking a bath this morning, I thought about the other people in the circle of friends I have left. I thought of those not involved. I thought of them and I wondered why they never thought of me? No one even bothered to ask how I was feeling. No one even took their time to write me something, not even a single soul. I tried to rip everything that I can from my tiny little broken soul just so I couldn’t feel the pain, just so I don’t keep hurting myself by just thinking about them but. I can’t. It’s hard.

Why didn’t you even bother asking me if I am in any way “okay”? Why didn’t you even think of me?

And why do I still bother asking these questions?

Weekend! Sept. 30 – Oct. 1

My weekend wasn’t fancy nor was it something great but some weekends are meant to be laidback just like this one.

September 30 – Saturday

  • It wasn’t too busy at work although I wish I was somewhere else instead of spending 8 hours at work.
  • After work, I met up with 2 of my Telus buddies, Suz and Crissy. We chose to spend time chit chatting at Costa coffee near my office. It was homey and cozy and not a lot of people hangs out at underrated coffee places like Costa hehe. After coffee, we went to Mercato at around 7pm. I ate lehon and a whole bunch of isaw manok and baboy. I was soooo full.
  • When I got home, I puked everything that I ate. My mom said it was “indigestion” hahahaha ang takaw ko daw kasi. Ayun, sinuka ko din lahat and until now, masakit pa rin lalamunan ko huhu.

October 1 – Sunday

  • I was still not feeling well so I didn’t get to go with my mom and sisters when they visited Laguna. Then Kyx had to go to his meeting so I was left at my mom’s house and slept the afternoon away. I even packed my watercolour and art materials thinking that I’d spend a lot of alone time for the day but boy was I wrong HAH!
  • Kyx picked me up at around 6pm and he bought my favourite goodies from Bread Talk which I absolutely loved!
  • When we got home, we had dinner with his parents and afterwards, Kyx and I watched movies. First movie was Gerald’s Game and the second one was a Korean film. I slept halfway the last movie and felt so sorry because Kyx wasn’t able to work that evening just so we could have our time together. Hehe. Anyway, he deserves time off! He works every freaking day (he’s home based so well, whatev)

Overall, I think my weekend is pretty nice. Minus the fact that I acquired an eye irritation due to allergies. Until now, I have this floater; a sac thing with water inside and it’s so itchy.

How was your weekend?

Oh btw, I’ll post the photos here later 😀

Crazy and Emotional

Last Saturday, I got to talk to one of my friends. That friend was part of the circle I left. I asked her what she thinks about the death of Horacio Castillo III and in the middle of our short discussion, I noticed that she hasn’t accepted my friend request on Facebook (the FB I am using now is a new one) so I asked her why, she said something like “Wala na ba yung fb mo dati? Di ko inaccept pa kasi baka lalo pa magkagulo gulo eh, gets mo naman siguro diba” HINDI KO GETS. (“Is your old FB gone for good? I didn;t accept it so as not to make things worse, if you know what I mean”—that’s the closest translation I could come up with lol)

It got me thinking, why do people who are not involved with the whole drama—involve themselves as if they’re part of it all. That person, was one of those who I think didn’t choose sides but, well, I don’t know anymore.

I was going back and forth, thinking if I should discuss any of this with Kyx but I chose not to because I feel like the more I keep talking about it, the more I bring myself despair and a lot of negative vibes to think about. Yet here I am, talking about it. I guess I only ever freely talk here on my blog.

With that incident, I keep thinking about it even if I know it’s not worth my energy, time and mental health. I hate myself for feeling bad about things that I can’t fix, things that I don’t even want to fix.

I’m sorry that you’re reading this crazy and emotional thoughts I’ve had over the weekend on a Monday (or Sunday or whichever day you’re reading this)

Let’s continue moving forward!

Stop Saying That

I don’t know but, well, people keep saying “I’ll be there for you no matter what” but then when the “no matter what” point comes, they’re gone.

This is the “no matter what” already, where are you?

Stop saying shit you can’t stand for.

No One Deserves That Kind of Cruelty

Just now, when I woke up, I realized that hey, no, I don’t deserve that kind of cruelty! And no one actually deserves it to be honest.

When I was still so confused, I felt and thought that maybe I deserved all the shit. I deserved to be shamed like that, I deserved that my best friends pitted on me. It was hard for me to process everything especially that my mind was too clouded and I ate all the shit they served me. My first instinct when confronted with the bad stuff I did or with the bad things I have said a hundred years ago was to apologize because well, I did say bad stuff and I may have added fuel to the fire for one time too many and I didn’t realize that I wasn’t alone. I was with people talking behind another person. Looking back, it’s both funny and sad.

Not because I still long for them, hell no. The fact that I thought I actually deserved it was sad and funny because no one was kind enough in that group to tell me and the others that it wasn’t a one man’s fault. HAH!

I stand today, knowing in my heart that I did not deserve it. No one deserves that kind of mental and emotional trauma these “friends” have put me through.

Good riddance and I hope this doesn’t happen to you or you won’t do anything like this anymore.

* *If you are one of those who did this to me and you’re reading this, don’t get mad. People do not know who you are. 😉 I didn’t name drop.

Salamat, Thank You, Gracias

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone I nominated for the 3 blogger awards who answered and posted on their blogs. You are in no way obligated to answer it nor share with me whatever personal experience you may have had but you did and you even went above and beyond. Thank you so much!

I was nominated by Hunida and I think I was also nominated by other people but only ever got around doing Hunida’s nomination. I did it cause it’s a fun way to veer away from my usual dramatic posts and non-sense stories and was actually touched that someone thought of me. Hihihi.

I answered it with all of my heart, I took it very personal and though the facts about me are short and simple, I answered it with all honest, I said the things I would have never said in real life so yeah, it was pretty personal.

I wasn’t expecting my blog friends to answer it, because it might be too much work. The surprising thing is, if not all, most of them answered it and wrote on a very personal level! I didn’t expect everyone to share with me and everyone the things they never shared, they pretty much took it on a personal level too. Instead of giving me a cliché or answers that are “general”, they answered it with all their hearts and are very honest! Not only that!! They also shared with me and everyone else their personal stories, experiences through the questions I have given them. I know my questions may be way too personal but I didn’t expect them to relate to it. Grabe guys huhuhu na-touch talaga ako sobra!

Here’s the link to where I nominated them.

Here are their answers and stories. You may want to read them too! 🙂

Space   Aubrey’s answers   Aubrey’s 14 Facts

Eca   Chammy  Justine  Alona’s Answers  Alona’s 14 Facts

Emyel   Kat  Krishelinda  Aysa  Jolens  Jheff

Ica

Again, thank you so much for answering. For those who haven’t answered it yet, oks lang! I’ll be waiting if you would answer and if not, oks lang talaga hihihi. Like I said you’re not obligated to do so. ❤

Gusto ko lang din talaga kayo makilala 😉