“Ano Ba Nagawa Ko”

Intindihin natin yung mga sama ng loob natin para mapatawad natin yung mga taong nagpasama ng loob natin at para mapatawad natin ang mga sarili natin.

Sobrang layo na ng narrating ko when it comes to healing, moving forward and letting go. Sobrang dami kong luhang iniyak, mga sakit sa kaloob looban ng dibdib ko na hindi ko pinakita o inilabas kahit sa harap ng mga taong handa akong i-comfort at suportahan. Madami pa akong salitang hindi naisulat kasi masyado pa siyang masakit, yung tipong sa sobrang sakit niya hindi ko alam paano umpisahan at tapusin ang mga talata na gusto kong ipahayag.

Sa totoo lang, masyado kasi akong reflective na tao. Hindi ko alam kung dahil INFJ ako o dahil Empath din ba ako, pero kasi pag may nakasamaan ako ng loo bang una kong iniisip ay yung actions ko—kung ano yung nagawa ko para may sumama ang loob sakin. Kahit masama din ang loob ko o galit ako sa taong iyon, iniisip ko kung ano ang nagawa ko. Hindi pala lahat ng tao kasi ay ganoon. Ang unang iniisip nila kadalasan ay yung nagawa sakanila. Di nila iniisip ang mga nagawa naman nila. Hindi ko matawag na selfish kasi masyadong “big word” naman ang selfish. Siguro iba iba lang talaga ang tao at hindi natin mapipilit na isipin nila ang kapwa nila diba?

Nung nawala yung mga kaibigan ko, masakit hindi dahil sa mga nasabi nila (pero masakit din talaga yun haha) kundi dahil sa hindi nila iniisip ang naramdaman ko, mararamdaman ko at kung bakit ba ako nagkaganoon. Kung may nagawa ba silang mali sakin. Walang nagisip tungkol sakin kasi puro sarili at kung papaanong nasaktan sila ang naiisip nila.

Napakaimposible naman din kasi na isisi mo lang sa isang tao ang actions niya na hindi mo man lamang iisipin ang actions mo o mga bagay na nagawa mong mali.

Hindi natin maididikta sa ibang tao na unawain tayo sa mga nararamdaman natin, di tayo makakasiguro na kapag sinabi natin ang nararamdaman natin ay pahahalagahan nila ito kaya ganito nalang, kung tayo man ang malagay sa sitwasyon na ganito, ugaliin nating isipin yung mga actions natin, mga nagawa nating mali. Huwag tayong madali magpoint out ng mga kamalian ng iba kung hindi naman natin iniisip ang kamalian natin. Isipin natin at unawain kung ano ang naging problema, tanungin natin ang sarili natin “ano ba ang nagawa ko?” bago natin isipin ang nagawa sa atin kasi kapag ganoon, mas madali tayong makakapagpatawad

 

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Why #1

A few of the many whys.


While I was partly regretting shopping online at 1 in the morning, I don’t know what happened but I started reflecting, evaluating life in general.

The reality of life is, as we get older, as we get closer to people we love, as we grow more appreciative of the people around us, we also go closer to seeing the end of the line for some. We get to witness the deaths of our loved ones and it’s painful one death after another. Like we never go numb or get tired feeling sick in our stomachs when we are given the burden of witnessing these untimely deaths.

With these deaths, it’s automatic to reminisce the times we spent together with that person. We start wishing that we should have spent more time with them, shared more of our life with them, told them how much we value them, made them feel how much we love them. More often than not, we let go of the grudges we used to have, we forgive them and love them even more, we understand them and we end up accepting their flaws—embracing their shortcomings. It’s like nothing could be wrong about the dead person.

But why do we have to be faced by death and this unfortunate tragedy before we learn to love and forgive? Why do we have to be faced by this loneliness to be able to be reminded of the happy times?

Why do we have to wait for the person to die before we do these things? Why not when that person is still alive?

I guess I’ll never know. I guess death is so tragic that it becomes magical at some point.

It’s almost impossible to remember the ugly and trying times with that person when that person is dead. Usually we would like to remember the departed ones in the happy moments we shared with them diba?

So I will keep praying that I be able to forgive every single person who did me wrong, those who didn’t want anything but harm for me, those who laugh at my tragedies. I will try as best as I could to forgive them while we are still alive. So I wouldn’t burden myself with forgiving just for the heck of it or just because they died but because it is the right thing to do.

I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.

Someone Tell Me

When it comes to healing, moving on and letting go

Why do we need closure, why do we seek and crave for it? And why, despite knowing that this is probably common and needed, people do not give it to you?

Why do we need to hear whether we are forgiven or not, why do we need to be put into place? Why do we need to know these things?

Why despite the chances of hearing and knowing the bad things they have to say, we still want to hear it anyway?

Someone tell me. Seriously. I need to be enlightened.

Lately I have been thinking of how I can start my life anew. Like start on a clean slate.

I started to think about the old friends I used to have and how my life turned upside down. I started my forgiveness since the day I have finally understood that nope, there’s no going back. But forgiveness is a tricky thing and for the first time in a long time, I don’t blame myself for it.

I have pictured and made myself believe that I am walking forward, toward a new life but in reality I was trying to walk forward while turning for over a couple of dozens of times only to realize that there’s no need for me to look back.

Part of my being is keeping memories close to my heart. I can remember even the smallest of details from 20 years ago and it still plays very vividly on my mind as if it was just yesterday. So the problem with letting go of people is the memories I had back with them. I don’t think I was ever prepared that what I have held on for so long—the memories, are made to be forcibly forgotten.

How in the world will I ever forget these when I don’t even intend to remember it anymore? How will I do that?

I got a simple answer care of myself as usual. That’s when forgiveness enters and I must understand its meaning, value and what it entails.

When I forgive these people, I can move forward without hesitations, without looking back and regretting every step I took forward.

There are people I have cut out from my life and there are people who did just that to me. Now, in the midst of trying to let everything go and move on from where I am, I couldn’t help but think how some people can simply cut you off without having closure? But I guess that’s how the cope with things.

I just hope that I can leave everything behind and only look back from time to time without hurting myself on the thought of retracing memories. I just. I just really want to let myself go.

Forgiveness

 

Whether it is you seeking forgiveness or someone is seeking yours, you have to deal with it with love, patience and understanding. It’s easier said than done given the circumstances but in general, you must know that forgiveness is as strong as love.

Forgiving someone for the wrong things they have done is strength. It goes to show that you are strong enough to admit what you did wrong and that you are all for it than your ego and pride.

Seeking forgiveness from someone whom you have hurt shows that your love is bigger than yourself and it is more important to you to make peace with your enemies than float and gloat in a high boosted by negative emotions.

Whatever you do, seek love and understanding within yourself. No matter how much you dislike the person, no matter how they have wronged you, it is much better to be at peace with them so you can be at peace with yourself.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself as much as you give to those who have wronged you.

You’re Going To Be Okay

In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.

Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on. 

You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.