Mga hanash ko, drama at iba pang nasa loob ng isip ko. I didn’t even try na ayusin ang composition ko dito. Raw and full of emotions. Bear with me he he he hehehe
I’ve been putting this off for a while that’s why I haven’t been really on the loop. That’s the introvert in me working and it has been like this for me in the past weeks. Okay so klaruhin muna natin, being an introvert doesn’t mean I have to be quiet and shy all the freaking time especially when I like the company of the people I am with however, I don’t always get to be like that because most of the time, I recharge myself. Sa sobrang daming ganap ng life ko, I don’t think I have a lot of energy to socialize and communicate etc etc. Also, don’t tell me who I am. Thank you.
Okay so going back, I have a lot on my plate both work wise, personal wise, family wise, relationship wise, lahat na. At work, though I finished everything before Christmas, we still have to crunch because there are people who will go on leave, on vacation and I need to check their work so ang daming deadlines nila na kailangan ko din habulin and it’s so stressful to be honest. Family wise, you don’t have any idea how much bullshit I have to go through to the levels na gusto namin mag-hibernate ni mama because life at home is stressful. Magpapasko nalang puro pa kabullshitan ang ganap hence the Baguio trip that we had last 21st of December with my aunt (mom’s sister) I was so happy that I chose to go on this trip (kahit hindi ako bayad from 21 until Pasko) because I got to spend more time with my mom, aunt, cousins, nephews and of course, my maarte sister. We don’t go on trips a lot kasi mej praning mom ko sa mga biyahe, she doesn’t like to travel or go on adventures so this out of town trip is one for the books dahil looking forward mom ko dito. Relationship wise, I didn’t have a lot of time for Kyx kasi we were both so busy with all the ganap in life. Siya busy with work, although I get to see him every day naman, but I only get to spend time with him when we’re stuck in traffic pero when we get home, I do my thing (yoga, skincare) then I go to bed immediately. Wala na kaming time for lambingan and all that kasi pagoda tragedy talaga ako nakakaloka.
Like what I said, I enjoyed the Baguio trip so much. Ultimate bonding experience with mom and my aunt’s family, super close kasi kami so it wasn’t awkward, talagang enjoy lang. But I can’t fully enjoy as in yung masaya pati heart and soul ko kasi on the 21st, the brother of my gramps, tatay Zosing, passed away at around 5 in the afternoon. We were on our way to Baguio and I got a call from my dad saying that tatay passed away—that meant he was gone right? That meant I have to let him go and that meant I have to keep my tears from falling because I want to be strong for my dad, for my family. I was sitting idly and I was trying so hard to hold back tears, my stomach clenched and my chest felt so heavy. ANG LALA.
Papa: Anak, kumain ka na ba? Nasan ka?
Me: On the way po sa Baguio with mama.
Papa: Ganon ba Anak? Ingat kayo ni mama mo. Anak, si tatay kasi, wala na siya. Wala na ang tiyo zosing kaninang 5pm.
Me: Ganon po ba pa? Ang lungkot naman po. Huling kita na pala namin ng tatay nung pista.
Papa: Oo nga eh. Ganon talaga anak. Sige, tatawag nalang ako ulit, asikasuhin ko lang muna ditto.
When I hid my phone, my mom immediately said “wala na ang tatay?” I just nodded and tried to sleep.
Hindi ko alam ano yung mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o magpapasalamat ba ako sa Diyos na at least, wala nang hirap na mararamdaman yung lolo ko? Ang sakit kasi naaalala ko kung gaano ako minahal non. Kahit apo lang niya ako sa pamangkin niya (pamangkin niya si papa) sobrang mahal ako nung taong yun. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita kasi nasa Batangas sila, hiwalay parents ko, nasa Manila ako, nagkaron pa ng hidwaan sila ng lolo ko (tatay ng papa ko) so ang hirap na wala kaming communication. Napakasakit kasi ang daming oras ang nasayang na hindi kami nagkita at nagkausap manlang eh. Nung umuwi ako sa Batangas nung piyesta sa Nasugbu, nasa ospital na siya at dinalaw ko siya. Huling kita na pala namin yun. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit sakit sakin kasi ayaw ko naman na magalala din si mama sakin. Alam mo yun? Yung tangina nung nararamdaman ko pero di ko malabas kasi wala sa lugar??? Di ko alam. Siguro ako lang to ganon, pero wag niyo sabihin sakin kung paano ako dapat umarte, paano ko maramdaman yung nararamdaman ko and yung ano yung dapat na ginawa ko kasi hindi naman kayo yung nasa posisyon ko.
I was losing it but that’s the thing with people like me, we don’t show it as it is. We try to shrug it off as if we’re okay but in reality, we’re going through a rough time and we just choose to keep it because that’s how we cope with our problems. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang ipakita sa inyo kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na “okay lang yan” kasi hindi okay. Hindi talaga okay. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na pinagdaanan na yan ng maraming tao, kaya kaya mo din yan kasi kahit kaya ko, magkaiba kami nung taong yun. Magkaiba kami ng personal experiences at ng way kung paano mag-deal sa problems. -_-
So ayun na nga. Sobrang dami kong hanash kasi I never liked celebrating the Holidays kasi every year, it doesn’t feel like I have the right to do so. 4 years na kaming ganito, na may namamatay before, after, Christmas and New Year. I know that it’s not about me, my feelings and my family pero the Holidays is not about just faking to be happy and making beso with relatives that do not even care about me. I just don’t like it.
Kahit nung wala pang mga namamatay sa family namin in that time of the year, ayoko talaga ng Pasko because it’s lonely for me. It reminds me of the lonelye feeling I had when my mom was still in Dubai. She’s not home for Christmas kasi she chooses to be on vacation kapag vacation din namin sa school so birthday ko yun lagi na nandito siya and I’d rather want that than to have her celebrate Christmas with us. Matagal siyang wala for Christmas. 10 years kaming nagpapasko na wala siya so I never liked it, I never felt festive. Pinamumudmuran kami ng pera at regalo ng mga kapamilya namin (I’m not complaining) but it’s not what Christmas means for me. Hindi ako naging mahilig sa pera at regalo because I always loved simple celebrations with mama, kaya yung mga gifts, it’s not something I would choose over my mom, or my family. Ayoko mag-emo shit or magsira ng Christmas mood niyo kaya sinulat ko to after Christmas na.
Ilang pasko pa ba yung ganito para sakin at sa pamilya ko?
Yesterday, Christmas (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) I was having a breakdown. Ang daming masasakit na ganap sa buhay ko, sa lahat lahat tuwing Pasko tapos ngayon sobrang whoooo di ko na kaya. So I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Kyx was comforting me and one thing I loved about the way he comforted me was that he’s not confused. He knows exactly what I’m going through and why I am acting the way I am kaya he’s just there, trying to calm me down. Then I blurted out
“God doesn’t see me. I am suffering, my family is suffering and I just want to feel comforted, I want to be assured that things are happening because it has a greater purpose and not because I am cursed. I feel like God does not see me anymore”
then Kyx started to cry. He told me that God sees me and that even though I am suffering, I am not alone.
“You’re suffering, nahihirapan ka pero tignan mo ako. Di ba nandito din ako? Nahihirapan din ako ‘pag nahihirapan ka. You’re not alone, Ddear. And God sees you! He has plans for you, for us. Don’t ever think that he doesn’t see you and doesn’t want you to be comforted. God is rooting for you.”
So ayan, nagiyakan kami after ng “God doeasn’t see me” hanash ko.
Pero aside sa mga hanash kong ito, I am still grateful. Kahit ang daming painful memories ng pasko at bagong taon para sakin, I am still blessed to have my mom, my sister, Kyx, my friends, my family and people close to me, pati na rin ang mga TFIOB friends ko. I am grateful that despite every shit I have to go through, I still have people who will support me and go through hell and back with and for me. So in a nut shell, laban lang!