Kung mabilis silang kalimutan ka at burahin ka sa buhay nila, MAG MOVE ON KA NA KASI PUNYETA PALA EH. KAYA PALA NAMAN NILA GAWIN YON TAPOS IKAW MUKA KA LANG TANGA NA NAIIYAK NALULUNGKOT NANANAGINIP TUNGKOL SA KANILA PERO IKAW DI KA NA NILA NAIISIP DIBA? SO ANO PA BANG SAYSAY NG FEELINGS MO??? TANGINA. Kung kaya ka nila ilaglag ng walang ano ano, HINDI SILA KAWALAN. HINDI SILA IMPORTANTE. WALA SILANG KWENTA SA BUHAY MO NGAYON KAYA TIGILAN MO NA ANG MALUNGKOT DAHIL WALAAAAAAANG KWENTAAAAAA ANG KINALULUNGKUTAN MO. NYEMAS!
How? What happened? What changed and how I was able to do it?
In all these, aside from God that I have to thank for being with me through it, I have my mom of course and Kyx. I also have you guys, your patience is/was extraordinary. I was in this stupid cycle for way too long and I kept writing about it with different emotions, different updates but same problem and dilemma yet you were still there to help me get back on track. Feeling ko para ako yung tangang tao na paulit ulit nagrarant na iniwan ng boypren na umiiyak tapos magiging okay tapos iiyak ulit tapos kayo yung mga kaibigan kong ang laki ng pasensya sa akin. Thank you for all of that, for understanding me and being with me. What I went through may sound so simple to others but for me it’s a huge deal. Ibang klaseng mawalan ng kaibigan. Lalo na kapag akala mo forever friends na kayo. It’s just, it’s really hard. It was hard for me.
How I did it is nothing scientific or mathematical. It was all in front of me and I chose not to accept it. I was in denial for a long time and the situation wasn’t hard at all but I made it hard for myself. I realized how simple it is yet I refused to grasp on the idea and absorb it. I mean, what the fudge, Aila?!
You would (won’t) probably be surprised about how the secret unfolded right before my eyes (mind) but it was so simple. Nakakainis.
My last dilemma before I gave up was the questions I have been asking myself. I wrote about it, you guys knew about it. One fine day, I was slapped with the bitter truth and I tell you, there’s nothing more satisfying than finally opening your eyes as a huge wave of facts wash over you and you have no choice but to be drenched by it. I was so hungry for closure but deep inside, it wasn’t closure that I was seeking but I was wanting an apology from these people who hurt me thinking I can heal and move on immediately once I learned that they actually thought about their actions and regretted hurting me. That’s how I was looking at it. When one of these people tried reaching out to me through an email, I thought I want an apology from the others so what I did was I tried to talk to 2 (leaving 2 more) people, apologized again for what I did and hoped I would get a “sorry din” but I got nothing. He he he. For someone who’s pride is as high as the Petronas Towers, I was crushed and shocked! I was left thinking, how??? How are these people able to sleep so soundly at night without even dreaming about me and wanting my forgiveness?? How do they do it?
When I wrote last time about wanting to know whether I was forgiven or not, wanting closure, seeking and in fact hungry for it, I also asked Kyx. Here goes the “I don’t know ddear. Kasi ang makakasagot lang sa tanong mo ay yung mga taong yan. Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi kahit sino. Sila lang makakasagot niyan.” That cut right through me. I cried. I was devastated cause I want them to apologize to me so badly!!!
As in hello sinaktan niyo ako!!! As in tangina ninyo, ang sakit sakit ng ginawa niyo sakin!!!!!! As in ang sakit sakit sakit sakit non. Mas masakit pa yun sa hindi ko paglaki kasama tatay ko! Mas masakit pa sa unang heartbreak ko! Mas masakit pa sa lahat ng ibang nangyari kaya putangina ninyo, magsorry kayo sakin kasi dinurog niyo ako!!!!
And that, my friends, that is what held me back. I wasn’t able to move forward properly because at the end of the day, my poor little heart is crushed because howwwww the fuck do you forgive people who never apologized to you?! It was hard. It was sooo fucking hard but I realized something and it felt like cold ice all over me. It’s awakening, liberating. It’s something. It’s crazy.
You see, we have these expectations from people not only because we would have done the same thing for them like love them the way we feel we should be loved but because we feel like we know they are kind, forgiving and have a soft heart. We hold on to things thinking about everything good they did to us, they did for us. We dwell in the past and cling on to these people because we give them excuses such as they’re just still hurt, they were cruel because they were just angry, they didn’t apologize because maybe they’re shy and uncomfortable. We give them terrible excuses so we can accept them but we fail to see the reality, the truth, the bitter truth that—no, they would not apologize simply because they don’t want to. They forgot you simply because they chose to do so. They did not bother with you anymore simply because you have ceased to exist in their pretty world.
We fail to accept the ugly things we and other people do because we have certain expectations from them.
Pero hindi lahat ng tao pare-pareho, hindi lahat kayang aminin ang kanilang pagkakamali, hindi lahat iniisip ang peace of mind ng kapwa nila, hindi lahat ng tao mabait.
Even though I know that they know they did something wrong, the fact is that they just didn’t feel the need to apologize. May mga ganon pala talagang tao at sino ba naman ako para mag-expect ng apology diba.
When I accepted that they would probably never apologize thinking I deserve nothing but their absence, I felt lighter and naging tuloy tuloy na.
Life doesn’t work the way we expect it to be because humans like to complicate simple things. Instead of saying sorry, we give other people burden and hell just for the heck of it when in fact we can just simply fucking say sorry. But hey, c’est la vie!
Don’t get stuck wanting an apology or wanting love or wanting acceptance from others. Don’t get yourself stuck somewhere because you deserve to get a move on. You deserve a better life and you have to do it for YOU.
Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.
- After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
- I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)
Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”
As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.
- I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.
Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.
Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!
Oh you don’t have any idea how I learned it the hard way (but for those of you who regularly read my blog, then you know exactly what I’ve gone through) Anyway, let’s cut to the chase and move forward to what I was actually trying to talk about.
I guess I am such a people pleaser back then. I used to want people to like me (even if I don’t like them) just so I would be able to peacefully sleep at night. At least that’s what I thought. So what I did was, even if I was offended by someone for something they said or did, I’d let it fly by thinking that it’s best to run away from conflict than confrontation. I head back to others and tell them what my problem is. I’d tell someone the thing that offended me until it looks so much like backstabbing (although that wasn’t the whole point and I didn’t intend for that).
Looking back to the numerous times I ran away from conflict, I didn’t know how bigger of a conflict it would be compared to how it could have been resolved with confrontation and honesty.
Now, I am practicing (no matter how hard it is for me) to just head on with confrontation—very objective, kind, subtle and with a clear tone kind of confrontation. I realized that if I have a problem with someone or something, I’d rather just tell them about it to avoid future conflicts. Also, it aims for resolution rather than creating a bigger hole right?
I’d also rather much prefer someone telling me on a nice manner if there’s any way I have offended them so that I could make up for it or even try to explain myself right?
It’s a lot better than trying to fake patch things up yourself only to find out that you created a bigger problem.
It’s like there’s a bad wound that needs treatment yet you try to cover it with band aids and gauze thinking it’s for the best only to find out that it got worse right?
So if you have a problem with someone or something, it’s best to:
- Breathe in, breathe out. Do not let your feelings get the best of you. You tend to be irrational when you prioritize your feelings before objectivity.
- Feeling better? You have the option to just let it go or go ahead and pull out a confrontation. If it would bother you in the long run then opt for a mild confrontation. Be honest and make sure you are in it for clarification and objective confrontation.
- Tell them how you felt and what you thought but also tell them that you are not bearing a grudge about it. Clear it to the person that you’re merely confronting him/her to avoid future conflicts.
It’s always better to find resolution than creating a bigger conflict.
Last night, I allowed myself to cry again for about 3-5 minutes before sleeping. I keep thinking about the friends I had back then, those who “got my back” for almost 10 years. 10 years, all went down the drain, all went down in the garbage like useless trash. I don’t even think about whose fault is it, I just keep thinking how long will I allow myself to be in so much pain. How far will I have to go in order to learn what I need to learn. How long will I have to wait in order to accept everything.
I don’t even long for the friendship, I am sure the feeling is mutual and that we can no longer go back. I have accepted that fact. The thing I continue to dwell on is the closure I never got.
And why the hell do I need closure? I’m not even sure anymore.
What if we live in a world wherein we know that it isn’t always about us and our feelings?
There are a bunch of things that lead back to us—being selfish and thinking about our feelings, treating our emotions as important as a precious gem without realizing that we are just part of a vast universe. That the world does not revolve around us and we shouldn’t be too selfish.
Here are the things that happen when our feelings are being “too important” for us.
- When things do not go our way, we focus our energy on being frustrated and disappointed.
- We question whether or not we deserve an ugly treatment.
- Our pride is important. Our ego should be fed every once in a while.
- We form hatred and ill feelings toward other people because we may be jealous, insecure, immature or anything that floats that same boat.
- We are too petty.
Imagine how easier our life will be if we don’t see ourselves as entitled and privileged as we usually do?
If we realize that this isn’t about us, about our feelings, we tend to be more positive, more accepting and more grateful. We don’t sulk so much, we don’t waste our energy on things that shouldn’t matter.
It’s been over a week since the incident happened. I still play it all over my head, I was trying to figure out where it all started, was it just my fault, was I a big demon or was it influenced by the culture our circle of friends had? Nonetheless I only encountered a reasonable answer and that’s “It doesn’t matter anymore”. Why do I keep playing it over and over my head? Why do I keep solving something that isn’t a problem anymore? Somehow, maybe I was looking for closure, a peaceful end on things but I came to realize that it’s not worth it anymore and whatever I was looking for, shall remain out of reach for me.
Here’s my take on how I could be able to leave everything behind. Though I feel like it was unfair for me that I took all the blame when in fact, everyone did each other the same mistakes I did, it’s something I should forget.
- They’re really not my friends. Not only because of what happened but because there was this huge thing around us that made me think and say bad stuff. Something I always took against others even if I shouldn’t. So if they were intensely my true friends, I shouldn’t have said stuff about them? Or was that normal?
- The moment I was not given a chance to speak, the moment they all pitted against me and attacked me with bullets I handed them, it’s all over.
- It’s a good thing they did me a huge favour of kicking me out on our group. If they didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have completely changed my ways. If not for that, I would’ve been the same sly mean girl I was back in the day.
It’s a shame things ended badly right after I treated them for my birthday but that’s also one of the best things they can ever do. They say they stripped me from my true colors, I wonder if their true colors weren’t stripped when they did that to me? Maybe, I lost some “friends” but that doesn’t mean I am friendless. I still have a handful of friends I can treat well. I have moved forward and that’s a start of something new right?