The Grieving Never Ends

They say that grieving is nothing like anger. It’s a loneliness that stays and lives within that never goes away. Once we dealt with loss, we only get used to the pain this separation brought but we never really get over something like this.


Totoo naman talaga diba? Hindi kagaya ng takot, galit at poot. Dahil ang mga ito, nagsasubside, nawawala pag tagal tagal ng panahon. Matututo kang hulmahin ang puso mo na mawalan ito ng galit o takot sa mga tao at pangyayari pero ang kawalan ng minamahal sa buhay—ang pagkamatay, hindi. Hindi ito nawawala. Parang natututo lang tayong mabuhay na mayroong nakatagong sakit sa puso natin na hindi mawala wala.

Nagiging okay lang tayo kasi namumuhay nalang sa kaloob looban, kalalalim laliman n gating damdamin yung sakit pero hindi naman siya nawawala diba. Minsan sana nga kagaya nalang ng galit itong pagdadalamhati eh. Para sure na nawawala.

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Please Help Baby Ace

My cousin, Ace Cargado who is barely 3 months old was born with a rare disease called Prune Belly Syndrome.

According to rarediseases.org

Prune-Belly syndrome, also known as Eagle-Barrett syndrome, is a rare disorder characterized by partial or complete absence of the stomach (abdominal) muscles, failure of both testes to descend into the scrotum (bilateral cryptorchidism), and/or urinary tract malformations. The urinary malformations may include abnormal widening (dilation) of the tubes that bring urine to the bladder (ureters), accumulation of urine in the ureters (hydroureter) and the kidneys (hydronephrosis), and/or backflow of urine from the bladder into the ureters (vesicoureteral reflux). Complications associated with Prune-Belly syndrome may include underdevelopment of the lungs (pulmonary hypoplasia) and/or chronic renal failure. The exact cause of Prune-Belly syndrome is not known.

Right now, baby Ace needs immediate medical attention and an operation because this baby is now holding on for dear life. Instead of being confined in a hospital, he is at home because their family cannot afford treatment and confinement.

Baby Ace resides in Nasugbu, Batangas Philippines.

Please help raise funds for his hospitalization in any way you could. Contact me through my Facebook: Aila Cargado or my email xoxaltheac@gmail.com

This means a lot to me and our family. Your prayers are also well appreciated, please pray for baby Ace and his family in this tough time.

P.S. I have yet to find out the exact amount he needs but any amount of your prayers and donation will be well appreciated and we will be forever grateful. Kahit dasal lang.

3 Perfect People

I’ve got but another realization post that may sound a bit angsty so I’ll save it for later. For now, let’s look at the bright side and bask in the light and love that we are blessed with.

Earlier today and a few days back when I was in Baguio (of course before and after my melt down) I realized the good things life has to offer. I was expecting a perfect life, an easy life but if it were to be easy, would it be life at all?

I was thinking how I don’t have a ride or die friend because I had one before but lost her, then I remember that I have my mom! Not everyone can have a ride or die mom as a bff. Like I keep saying, my mom is someone I can trust, I can rely on and someone who will just be there. Every mom is different from each other but I best believe that every mom is perfect for their daughters (at least I’d like to think that hah) so I may not have a ride or die friend, but I sure have a ride or die mom and that’s all there is to live with! HEHE.

Kyx is anchor (aside from mom). He keeps me into place when strong currents try to carry me away and how can I forget that for a second?! All my breakdowns, my meltdowns and stupid cryola festival that I star into, he is there to hold me and assure me that THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER. I also like to think that once you find a partner, like a soulmate (I’m not sure when you’ll find it but when you do, you’ll know), you’ll understand that each partner is perfect for the other. He gets me, he really does. He knows what to say (except when he’s trying to piss me off purposely), he knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

Altheo, my kuya. I like to joke that he’s my twin brother because we sort of have a “twins instinct” but the only twinning thing about us is our names so I have to live with that lels. We are the exact opposites! I am the reactive sibling, emotional and easily pissed off and he’s the other way around. He calms me down and keeps me sane just when I need to and I do the same for him in the rare occasions that he’s losing his shit.

Overall, these 3 people are the perfect people for me. As in yung perpekto para sa isang kagaya ko. They fill my holes, the missing pieces and the gaps. So when I get sad or lonely again, I’ll think about having these people in my life and I’m happy again!

When you get lonely over trivial things or when someone upsets you or you think no one is there for you anymore, think about all those who are going to be there for you. Your ride or die kind of people. And like my brother would jokingly say, “yung tipong pitpitan at basagan ng bayag, walang iwanan”

“God Doesn’t See Me”

Mga hanash ko, drama at iba pang nasa loob ng isip ko. I didn’t even try na ayusin ang composition ko dito. Raw and full of emotions. Bear with me he he he hehehe


I’ve been putting this off for a while that’s why I haven’t been really on the loop. That’s the introvert in me working and it has been like this for me in the past weeks. Okay so klaruhin muna natin, being an introvert doesn’t mean I have to be quiet and shy all the freaking time especially when I like the company of the people I am with however, I don’t always get to be like that because most of the time, I recharge myself. Sa sobrang daming ganap ng life ko, I don’t think I have a lot of energy to socialize and communicate etc etc. Also, don’t tell me who I am. Thank you.

Okay so going back, I have a lot on my plate both work wise, personal wise, family wise, relationship wise, lahat na. At work, though I finished everything before Christmas, we still have to crunch because there are people who will go on leave, on vacation and I need to check their work so ang daming deadlines nila na kailangan ko din habulin and it’s so stressful to be honest. Family wise, you don’t have any idea how much bullshit I have to go through to the levels na gusto namin mag-hibernate ni mama because life at home is stressful. Magpapasko nalang puro pa kabullshitan ang ganap hence the Baguio trip that we had last 21st of December with my aunt (mom’s sister) I was so happy that I chose to go on this trip (kahit hindi ako bayad from 21 until Pasko) because I got to spend more time with my mom, aunt, cousins, nephews and of course, my maarte sister. We don’t go on trips a lot kasi mej praning mom ko sa mga biyahe, she doesn’t like to travel or go on adventures so this out of town trip is one for the books dahil looking forward mom ko dito. Relationship wise, I didn’t have a lot of time for Kyx kasi we were both so busy with all the ganap in life. Siya busy with work, although I get to see him every day naman, but I only get to spend time with him when we’re stuck in traffic pero when we get home, I do my thing (yoga, skincare) then I go to bed immediately. Wala na kaming time for lambingan and all that kasi pagoda tragedy talaga ako nakakaloka.

Like what I said, I enjoyed the Baguio trip so much. Ultimate bonding experience with mom and my aunt’s family, super close kasi kami so it wasn’t awkward, talagang enjoy lang. But I can’t fully enjoy as in yung masaya pati heart and soul ko kasi on the 21st, the brother of my gramps, tatay Zosing, passed away at around 5 in the afternoon. We were on our way to Baguio and I got a call from my dad saying that tatay passed away—that meant he was gone right? That meant I have to let him go and that meant I have to keep my tears from falling because I want to be strong for my dad, for my family. I was sitting idly and I was trying so hard to hold back tears, my stomach clenched and my chest felt so heavy. ANG LALA.

Papa: Anak, kumain ka na ba? Nasan ka?

Me: On the way po sa Baguio with mama.

Papa: Ganon ba Anak? Ingat kayo ni mama mo. Anak, si tatay kasi, wala na siya. Wala na ang tiyo zosing kaninang 5pm.

Me: Ganon po ba pa? Ang lungkot naman po. Huling kita na pala namin ng tatay nung pista.

Papa: Oo nga eh. Ganon talaga anak. Sige, tatawag nalang ako ulit, asikasuhin ko lang muna ditto.

*poker face*

When I hid my phone, my mom immediately said “wala na ang tatay?” I just nodded and tried to sleep.

**tagalog incoming**

Hindi ko alam ano yung mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o magpapasalamat ba ako sa Diyos na at least, wala nang hirap na mararamdaman yung lolo ko? Ang sakit kasi naaalala ko kung gaano ako minahal non. Kahit apo lang niya ako sa pamangkin niya (pamangkin niya si papa) sobrang mahal ako nung taong yun. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita kasi nasa Batangas sila, hiwalay parents ko, nasa Manila ako, nagkaron pa ng hidwaan sila ng lolo ko (tatay ng papa ko) so ang hirap na wala kaming communication. Napakasakit kasi ang daming oras ang nasayang na hindi kami nagkita at nagkausap manlang eh. Nung umuwi ako sa Batangas nung piyesta sa Nasugbu, nasa ospital na siya at dinalaw ko siya. Huling kita na pala namin yun. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit sakit sakin kasi ayaw ko naman na magalala din si mama sakin. Alam mo yun? Yung tangina nung nararamdaman ko pero di ko malabas kasi wala sa lugar??? Di ko alam. Siguro ako lang to ganon, pero wag niyo sabihin sakin kung paano ako dapat umarte, paano ko maramdaman yung nararamdaman ko and yung ano yung dapat na ginawa ko kasi hindi naman kayo yung nasa posisyon ko.

**

I was losing it but that’s the thing with people like me, we don’t show it as it is. We try to shrug it off as if we’re okay but in reality, we’re going through a rough time and we just choose to keep it because that’s how we cope with our problems. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang ipakita sa inyo kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na “okay lang yan” kasi hindi okay. Hindi talaga okay. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na pinagdaanan na yan ng maraming tao, kaya kaya mo din yan kasi kahit kaya ko, magkaiba kami nung taong yun. Magkaiba kami ng personal experiences at ng way kung paano mag-deal sa problems. -_-

So ayun na nga. Sobrang dami kong hanash kasi I never liked celebrating the Holidays kasi every year, it doesn’t feel like I have the right to do so. 4 years na kaming ganito, na may namamatay before, after, Christmas and New Year. I know that it’s not about me, my feelings and my family pero the Holidays is not about just faking to be happy and making beso with relatives that do not even care about me. I just don’t like it.

Kahit nung wala pang mga namamatay sa family namin in that time of the year, ayoko talaga ng Pasko because it’s lonely for me. It reminds me of the lonelye feeling I had when my mom was still in Dubai. She’s not home for Christmas kasi she chooses to be on vacation kapag vacation din namin sa school so birthday ko yun lagi na nandito siya and I’d rather want that than to have her celebrate Christmas with us. Matagal siyang wala for Christmas. 10 years kaming nagpapasko na wala siya so I never liked it, I never felt festive. Pinamumudmuran kami ng pera at regalo ng mga kapamilya namin (I’m not complaining) but it’s not what Christmas means for me. Hindi ako naging mahilig sa pera at regalo because I always loved simple celebrations with mama, kaya yung mga gifts, it’s not something I would choose over my mom, or my family. Ayoko mag-emo shit or magsira ng Christmas mood niyo kaya sinulat ko to after Christmas na.

Ilang pasko pa ba yung ganito para sakin at sa pamilya ko?

Yesterday, Christmas (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) I was having a breakdown. Ang daming masasakit na ganap sa buhay ko, sa lahat lahat tuwing Pasko tapos ngayon sobrang whoooo di ko na kaya. So I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Kyx was comforting me and one thing I loved about the way he comforted me was that he’s not confused. He knows exactly what I’m going through and why I am acting the way I am kaya he’s just there, trying to calm me down. Then I blurted out

“God doesn’t see me. I am suffering, my family is suffering and I just want to feel comforted, I want to be assured that things are happening because it has a greater purpose and not because I am cursed. I feel like God does not see me anymore”

then Kyx started to cry. He told me that God sees me and that even though I am suffering, I am not alone.

“You’re suffering, nahihirapan ka pero tignan mo ako. Di ba nandito din ako? Nahihirapan din ako ‘pag nahihirapan ka. You’re not alone, Ddear. And God sees you! He has plans for you, for us. Don’t ever think that he doesn’t see you and doesn’t want you to be comforted. God is rooting for you.”

So ayan, nagiyakan kami after ng “God doeasn’t see me” hanash ko.

Pero aside sa mga hanash kong ito, I am still grateful. Kahit ang daming painful memories ng pasko at bagong taon para sakin, I am still blessed to have my mom, my sister, Kyx, my friends, my family and people close to me, pati na rin ang mga TFIOB friends ko. I am grateful that despite every shit I have to go through, I still have people who will support me and go through hell and back with and for me. So in a nut shell, laban lang!

Making It a Habit

I’m making it a habit of asking myself “what is this teaching me?” before I react negatively. It helps me a lot especially in trying times!! I didn’t realize before how much stress I put into myself just because I’m too snappy and I react easily. Kainis.

There’s this person that I get to see almost daily and he’s very different from before. He was so welcoming, friendly, sweet and caring but things changed and I don’t know why, maybe there are a lot of factors, maybe I did something that annoyed him, maybe there’s something more than that that I know nothing about. In short, I am clueless as to why he is acting up like that. I tried so hard to analyze it over and over again until I realized I was stressing myself and overthinking things.

  • First off, I am not guilty of anything so why should I bother?
  • Well I bother because I’m that kind of person, right? LOL.
  • He doesn’t make steps to confront me or anyone else if there’s an issue because obviously, there’s an issue and he doesn’t seem to want to address it. So be it. I won’t be the one to address it simply because I didn’t do anything wrong for him to act the way he does. Hah!

So about 3 weeks ago, I was very bothered by his behaviour. Yung hindi namamansin effect? Yung yes or no lang and doesn’t look at me or my sister. He’s been like that for a long time now and idk why so I feel bad that he’s doing that to me and my sister. So what I did was I tried convincing myself that maybe he’s just busy with work, he’s doing a lot of things and di ko na siya magawang ng excuse (LOL ANU NA)

Last night, he wasn’t feeling well so I asked him if he’s okay, he said he’s not okay but he didn’t look at me. I feel like crap to be honest hah! Pero wala talaga akong ginawa sa kanya sooo hahahaha

I asked myself again, what is this teaching me? Why is this person treating me like crap after everything? Why is this person being mean and terrible to me when I am not doing anything? Bigla nalang? If I did something wrong, why not tell me instead of giving me a cold shoulder? Why is this person making me feel like I’m not worth his time and love anymore?

The only answer I could come up with is “Your attitude towards me and the people around us is teaching me to NOT be like that” hahahahaha.

If someone is mean to us, instead of firing back why not let it teach you to be someone better? Diba? If someone is being terrible, it’s saying that we shouldn’t be like that. Just imagine if we were as terrible diba, think about how others would feel if you are THAT terrible.

Do I make sense or di ko siya maexplain? I feel like I need to put a lot of thought before I publish this pero ang plastic ko naman ahahaha.

If that kind of attitude makes us feel like shit, what if we were the one giving that kind of attitude to others? They will feel shitty too, right? So yeah, I feel like it’s teaching me to be the better person here. HEHEHEH. (hindi si Kyx yan I swear hahaha just saying haha)

What Is This Teaching Me?

One of the things that makes a stressful thing even more stressful is the fact that we forget to understand, reflect and ask “what is this teaching me?” Instead, we focus on what stresses us and create more stress by thinking about it instead of actually finding a solution for it.

Earlier today, I was creating a budget strategy and/or budget plan. I am panicking (just a little bit) because I have to pay my sister’s tuition fee and start saving up for next year’s enrolment. This isn’t the first time that I am writing and whining and complaining about it because education is so expensive. As in bakit ba ang mahal ng tuition fee dito?! Why are schools so expensive, why not create an affordable learning system that is of quality and high standards? NKKLK.

So anyway, as the months on my list progress, I feel more and more burdened. Questions like why am I even the one taking the responsibility to pay for my sister’s tuition fee when she has a father very much able to work for her education? Will I be doing this forever? Why am I doing this anyway? Then I felt like everyone is being unfair, why are they not helping me? Mas marami pa nga silang mga pera kaysa sa akin pero bakit ako? As I think of these (negative) thoughts, I suddenly remembered to ask What is this teaching me? Nahimasmasan ako ng slight.

I think that I go on and on and on burdening myself with these thoughts when in fact, I should stop and reflect to calm myself down instead of allowing negativity to rule over my head.

I realized that all these tuition fee problems I am having are not even a problem to begin with. Instead of looking at it negatively, I should see what is it that I can gain from this episode in my life and how I’ll be improving myself moving forward.

I think that it’s teaching me more on how to be selfless. Selflessness is the key to pure love and pure love is the key to all things that is good. Walang sense sinabi ko pero whatever hahaha. Aside from that, it’s teaching me to be more loving and understanding of the people around me. It is teaching me kindness. It is teaching me to be more grateful that I have the means to be able to pay for my sister’s education and that I’m not in debt or helpless. It is teaching me to trust more because God has reasons as to why I am experiencing these things.

I realized how much I let negative things and thoughts consume me when I can just easily turn around and look at the bright side of things. Hay naku.

Top 10 Things I’ve Learned from My Mother

Almost everyone I know (if not every single one) look up to their moms and think of their moms as the best one ever. That goes for me as well; I look up to my mom and I think she’s the best in the whole wide world. The best mom for someone like me and that’s what matters the most. I have shared a lot of stuff about her and how strong of a person she is so to put her on a different light, I’d write about the 10 things I’ve learned from her.

  1. Letting go is hard but clinging on to something that is toxic, unhealthy and is good for nothing will be a lot harder in the long run.
  • I have faced so many challenges in my 26 years of existence that require letting go. It was hard for me but I understood that it could be a lot harder if you hold on to things, people and memories that are not healthy for your mental, emotional and spiritual health.
  1. Believing in God and having faith is very essential. But hearing mass on a regular basis doesn’t necessarily mean you are a good person already and not hearing mass regularly doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
  • There are so many things the society dictates when it comes to faith but my mom made sure that we understood faith on a deeper level. Not just by hearing mass and praying.
  1. Love your family.
  • My mom inculcated in us that we be family oriented individuals. Family sticks forever and no matter what happens “hindi mo kayang itapon yan” so you just have to continue loving each other despite the misunderstandings, differences and whatnot.
  1. Education is very important. It’s a treasure that no one can take away from you.
  • In parental sermons we hear the phrases “iyan lang ang kayamanan na hindi maaagaw nino man” and that is true!
  1. Always look at the bright side.
  • Despite everything, in the midst of trials and storms, there’s always something to be grateful for. There’s always a bright side in everything and you just have to go find it.
  1. Know your priorities.
  • As simple as that. Knowing what should come first and knowing what can wait.
  1. Know your worth.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be treated like trash. You’re more than that.
  1. Moms always wants what’s best for you.
  • At least for my mom, she just doesn’t say that for the heck of it but she does because she really do wants what’s best for her children and you must believe that! Heh
  1. She knows everything.
  • There’s no point in lying. Really.
  1. She’s always right.
  • Whatever you have to say, there’s always loopholes because you’re not as wise as your mom. Lels.

You’re the best mama in the world and you made sure that you secure your children and give them the best that life has to offer. I’m grateful every single day and I wish I could give everything you deserve tenfold because no one would be here, I wouldn’t be here where I am right now if not for you and I want you to know that I know it. I love you mom. Happy Birthday!