Iyakin and God’s Love

If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s crying. I get so emotional over things so easily. From simple and petty things to huge things, expect me to cry.

Whenever I meet people for get togethers, events or stuff like that, expect me to feel drained and overly emotional for the next couple of days. I’ll shut down for a while and will not talk nor be interested in anything at all. All these happens when I am drained from too much social activities or I got disappointed on a situation and I can’t quite grasp on an idea so I shut down.

Saturday was my college friend’s bachelorette party. It was so fun! After not seeing these people for years, I got to spend time with them which is UH-MAY-ZEHNG! Went home a bit drunk and happy but my heartburn is acting up because of tequila and with little to no sleep at all, my head was pounding. I missed church and the birthday party of my godson Alex. Monday, I missed work (not that I feel bad but hahaha)

So nothing went my way yesterday. It was crappy. It was a bad bad day. I can’t talk about it yet but it was just so bad that I ended up crying then falling asleep and then waking up to cry once more.

I was not able to eat dinner because I kept thinking why I was acting so dumb? Why am I still crying over crappy things? So while Kyx was eating dinner, I sat quietly, wiped my tears away and talked to God. I asked God what is he trying to tell me. Why do I still have to wait when I can get it instantly? Why do I have to wait when obviously, I need it ALREADY?! Then it’s like my mind suddenly began working again. My brain cells are energized and my heart is not as heavy when I realized that maybe, God is making sure I really want this. That he is assuring me of his perfect plans, that he’s never late because he’s always on time and how can I forget that? How for a split second can I forget that his plans are better than mine?

Did you think I stopped crying? I cried once more. HAHAHAHA but because I am overwhelmed with how God shows his love for me.

Then I stopped crying and proceeded on catching up with Scandal. Heh




Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.

  1. After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
  2. I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)

Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”

                As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.

  1. I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.

Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.

Ayan na si Kyx 😂

Paepal lang 😂

Yung pinagpeprepare pa ako ni mama ng baon ☺️

Mama and Aila 😘

Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!

You’re Going To Be Okay

In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.

Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on. 

You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.


Was It Worth It?

Forgiveness is not just accepting apologies and giving chances.

Forgiveness is freeing yourself from the cruel burdens, heartache, pain, emotional torture, mental discomfort. Forgiveness is not just something you give out to those who have wronged you, forgiveness is opening your heart to the hurt you felt and accepting that in this life, inflicted pain is inevitable but it’s up to you to unburden yourself.

If you don’t forgive other people for the things they did wrong to you, you are giving yourself more burden than you could carry. You are making yourself suffer when in reality, you don’t deserve that. No one deserves that kind of suffering and the sad part is, you are the one making yourself suffer if you don’t forgive.

There will be times that you’re in a darker spot than ever, you may fill your heart with rage and anger. You condition yourself with trauma and despair but trust yourself that that phase is going to end. You just have to feel these emotions so you can appreciate the fruit of this bitter cause. In those dark days, try to welcome the ability to see the light and forgive both you and other people for all the pain you’re feeling. This isn’t as easy as it seems, it would probably take time but the more that you are willing to throw ill feelings, the more it will be easier to forgive.

Then you’ll ask yourself, was it worth it? Was it worth forgiving those who have wronged you no matter how sick of a person they have been? Of course yes. Forgiving is doing yourself a favour of unburdening the dead weight you’ve been carrying. And that for me is worth it.


Let Yourself Move On

After everything, I got lost into my own little world. The world I created trying to shelter myself from too much pain. I created something sturdy for myself, something that will shield me from heartbreak.

I created a new Facebook account and blocked anyone that I don’t want to be part of my new life. I kept mostly to myself in the social media world, just like others, I posted only what’s on the surface. I stopped looking at my instagram feed, afraid that familiar faces might pop and I’ll only get triggered and cry. Allow me to do that for myself because that is how I think would work for me while dealing with the grief and burden.

I resorted to my blog. Wrote my feelings out, interacted a lot only to the people in and around the wordpress world. I stayed out of the zone in real life and only met up with the people that’s really dear to my heart.

I lost track of those who have hurt me and sometimes, I wonder how everything turned out for them but I realized that it’s good to not keep tabs on these people in order for me to fully recover and move on from all these.

Someone asked me if I get bothered by what they say about me. Maybe if I was asked a month or 2 ago, I’d tell you that I’ll be affected. But now, I don’t bother anymore. I also believe that people involved in that drama are over it and wouldn’t talk about me. I believe after all these, they are okay and happy. After all, I was the one left behind right?

So now, I’ll tell you. If you get too bothered about what others think and say, remember that we can only control ourselves. What we think and what we do. We can’t control others just as they can’t control us, so let them be. Let them judge you, say stuff about you, because as far as you know, what they say and do is none of your business just as what you say and do are none of theirs. Because at the end of the day, what they say and do speaks and shows more about them than you. So chill out, get over it, walk past the drama and move on. Though hard at first, you can (fucking) do it!


The Bits and Pieces, Fragments and Lots of Learning from Relationships

First off, I will be talking randomly about the stuff I learned through the course of my relationship with Kyx, the things that I don’t realized at all too soon.

Second, I did not intend for this to be school-type coherent so my thoughts will fly by and I hope you don’t mind *wink*

Being very different from each other, I feel like it is more of a good thing than the bad. We complement each other more often than not and I think that makes the relationship more fruitful and beautiful. One thing I’ve decided to talk about right now is how I managed to stop being so reactive.

I am (and trust me, I’m working on it) a very reactive person. Most of the time, my emotions get the best of me and that’s not really something I am proud of. I am a ball and all sorts of emotional human being. I cry if I need to, I laugh if I feel like it. When something aggravates me, most of the time I react aggressively towards it. To put it simply, I react too fast, too often. I am always on “attack” mode which led me to a few difficult situations, sometimes realizing things too little too late and having myself embarrassed over silly things.

Kyx on the other hand is a calm human being. It’s like when God sprinkled calmness and serenity, Kyx was showered in chunks! He also has a basket to catch all the serenity God gave the earth which is why he is a very peaceful person right now. LOL. Kidding aside, Kyx is not one to react immediately. Sometimes you won’t even get a reaction from him even if the situation calls for it. When I asked him one time, he just simply told me that he doesn’t let emotions get in the way, he thinks first before reacting and if he feels like it’s better to shut the hell up, he would.

Being in a relationship with him made me less of the reactive person I was. It made me think stuff through, it made me handle my emotions as thorough as I can. I learned that even if my heart is bursting with anger, I get to simmer down mentally and leave my attacking mantra behind a bookshelf. I don’t attack well too often now because I’d think about the consequences first or maybe, I did actually learn to keep my emotions intact?

Nonetheless, I am more peaceful and careful now when it comes to my emotions. That’s something I learned from Kyx.

I still have a few meltdowns, tantrums and fits thrown but maybe a little lesser than usual.


What Is This Telling Me?

Boy oh boy does this gonna sound sad but I cannot count how many times I’ve got to deal with death from 2015 until today. Many lives of people close to my heart have been lost. It’s like I’m still trying to get over a death of someone then someone passes away soon enough and I’m left heartbroken again.

Late 2016 when my brothers’ grandfather died of old age.

Before Christmas of the same year, my Godmother passed away.

After New Year, January 2017, the brother of my grandmother passed away.

Now, after burying the grandfather, my mom’s close friend who is close to my heart passed away this morning January 23, 106.

I have realized a lot of things and my mind and heart is racing filled with thoughts and emotions. It’s really crazy! But let me write some of the things I have been sad about lately that is connected to life and death.

I have yet to accept that life ends no matter what happens simply because that’s the way things are. We are made to die, everyone dies and it’s only a matter of when and how. As simple as it sounds, it will never be easy peasy nd simple because it will always hurt you in different times, in different days, in different moments, situations and people. In short, a death of someone is always going to be painful. If you have experienced being left by people you love cause they died, it doesn’t make you numb. It will cut you right through your very fiber, your very being, your very heart and soul. Just thinking about it, it’s beautiful in odd and mad ways but it’s going to hurt big time.

I haven’t gotten over any losses. From my grandfather who died about 9 years ago, from my grandmother who died 5 years ago, from my aunt who died 1 year ago, I still ache and cry from time to time. I still feel that same odd feeling, the inconvenience and knots in my stomach. My wrenched heart. I can feel it all the same!

Now that I am 25 years old, I feel like am I just getting older so people around me is also getting older too or is it just everyone around me is dying? (that last line is so morbid I’m so sorry lol) okay okay, so I figured that it is very true that life is short. We’re always blessed to be alive with another chance to make things right, to be grateful, to reflect on things and to simply cherish our life.

I have to remind myself every day how I should feel more blessed and grateful instead of spiteful and lazy. I shall always make the people I love feel that I love them and that I am thankful they are part of my life cause if not for them, how will I have this determination to live? The inspiration to strive?

I will vow to be more forgiving, understanding and grateful. To be more patient, loving, caring. Less spiteful, still fierce but reasonable. I will vow today that I will cherish my life and people around me more than I ever did.