You’re Going To Be Okay

In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.

Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on. 

You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.

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Was It Worth It?

Forgiveness is not just accepting apologies and giving chances.

Forgiveness is freeing yourself from the cruel burdens, heartache, pain, emotional torture, mental discomfort. Forgiveness is not just something you give out to those who have wronged you, forgiveness is opening your heart to the hurt you felt and accepting that in this life, inflicted pain is inevitable but it’s up to you to unburden yourself.

If you don’t forgive other people for the things they did wrong to you, you are giving yourself more burden than you could carry. You are making yourself suffer when in reality, you don’t deserve that. No one deserves that kind of suffering and the sad part is, you are the one making yourself suffer if you don’t forgive.

There will be times that you’re in a darker spot than ever, you may fill your heart with rage and anger. You condition yourself with trauma and despair but trust yourself that that phase is going to end. You just have to feel these emotions so you can appreciate the fruit of this bitter cause. In those dark days, try to welcome the ability to see the light and forgive both you and other people for all the pain you’re feeling. This isn’t as easy as it seems, it would probably take time but the more that you are willing to throw ill feelings, the more it will be easier to forgive.

Then you’ll ask yourself, was it worth it? Was it worth forgiving those who have wronged you no matter how sick of a person they have been? Of course yes. Forgiving is doing yourself a favour of unburdening the dead weight you’ve been carrying. And that for me is worth it.

Let Yourself Move On

After everything, I got lost into my own little world. The world I created trying to shelter myself from too much pain. I created something sturdy for myself, something that will shield me from heartbreak.

I created a new Facebook account and blocked anyone that I don’t want to be part of my new life. I kept mostly to myself in the social media world, just like others, I posted only what’s on the surface. I stopped looking at my instagram feed, afraid that familiar faces might pop and I’ll only get triggered and cry. Allow me to do that for myself because that is how I think would work for me while dealing with the grief and burden.

I resorted to my blog. Wrote my feelings out, interacted a lot only to the people in and around the wordpress world. I stayed out of the zone in real life and only met up with the people that’s really dear to my heart.

I lost track of those who have hurt me and sometimes, I wonder how everything turned out for them but I realized that it’s good to not keep tabs on these people in order for me to fully recover and move on from all these.

Someone asked me if I get bothered by what they say about me. Maybe if I was asked a month or 2 ago, I’d tell you that I’ll be affected. But now, I don’t bother anymore. I also believe that people involved in that drama are over it and wouldn’t talk about me. I believe after all these, they are okay and happy. After all, I was the one left behind right?

So now, I’ll tell you. If you get too bothered about what others think and say, remember that we can only control ourselves. What we think and what we do. We can’t control others just as they can’t control us, so let them be. Let them judge you, say stuff about you, because as far as you know, what they say and do is none of your business just as what you say and do are none of theirs. Because at the end of the day, what they say and do speaks and shows more about them than you. So chill out, get over it, walk past the drama and move on. Though hard at first, you can (fucking) do it!

The Bits and Pieces, Fragments and Lots of Learning from Relationships

First off, I will be talking randomly about the stuff I learned through the course of my relationship with Kyx, the things that I don’t realized at all too soon.

Second, I did not intend for this to be school-type coherent so my thoughts will fly by and I hope you don’t mind *wink*

Being very different from each other, I feel like it is more of a good thing than the bad. We complement each other more often than not and I think that makes the relationship more fruitful and beautiful. One thing I’ve decided to talk about right now is how I managed to stop being so reactive.

I am (and trust me, I’m working on it) a very reactive person. Most of the time, my emotions get the best of me and that’s not really something I am proud of. I am a ball and all sorts of emotional human being. I cry if I need to, I laugh if I feel like it. When something aggravates me, most of the time I react aggressively towards it. To put it simply, I react too fast, too often. I am always on “attack” mode which led me to a few difficult situations, sometimes realizing things too little too late and having myself embarrassed over silly things.

Kyx on the other hand is a calm human being. It’s like when God sprinkled calmness and serenity, Kyx was showered in chunks! He also has a basket to catch all the serenity God gave the earth which is why he is a very peaceful person right now. LOL. Kidding aside, Kyx is not one to react immediately. Sometimes you won’t even get a reaction from him even if the situation calls for it. When I asked him one time, he just simply told me that he doesn’t let emotions get in the way, he thinks first before reacting and if he feels like it’s better to shut the hell up, he would.

Being in a relationship with him made me less of the reactive person I was. It made me think stuff through, it made me handle my emotions as thorough as I can. I learned that even if my heart is bursting with anger, I get to simmer down mentally and leave my attacking mantra behind a bookshelf. I don’t attack well too often now because I’d think about the consequences first or maybe, I did actually learn to keep my emotions intact?

Nonetheless, I am more peaceful and careful now when it comes to my emotions. That’s something I learned from Kyx.

I still have a few meltdowns, tantrums and fits thrown but maybe a little lesser than usual.

What Is This Telling Me?

Boy oh boy does this gonna sound sad but I cannot count how many times I’ve got to deal with death from 2015 until today. Many lives of people close to my heart have been lost. It’s like I’m still trying to get over a death of someone then someone passes away soon enough and I’m left heartbroken again.

Late 2016 when my brothers’ grandfather died of old age.

Before Christmas of the same year, my Godmother passed away.

After New Year, January 2017, the brother of my grandmother passed away.

Now, after burying the grandfather, my mom’s close friend who is close to my heart passed away this morning January 23, 106.

I have realized a lot of things and my mind and heart is racing filled with thoughts and emotions. It’s really crazy! But let me write some of the things I have been sad about lately that is connected to life and death.

I have yet to accept that life ends no matter what happens simply because that’s the way things are. We are made to die, everyone dies and it’s only a matter of when and how. As simple as it sounds, it will never be easy peasy nd simple because it will always hurt you in different times, in different days, in different moments, situations and people. In short, a death of someone is always going to be painful. If you have experienced being left by people you love cause they died, it doesn’t make you numb. It will cut you right through your very fiber, your very being, your very heart and soul. Just thinking about it, it’s beautiful in odd and mad ways but it’s going to hurt big time.

I haven’t gotten over any losses. From my grandfather who died about 9 years ago, from my grandmother who died 5 years ago, from my aunt who died 1 year ago, I still ache and cry from time to time. I still feel that same odd feeling, the inconvenience and knots in my stomach. My wrenched heart. I can feel it all the same!

Now that I am 25 years old, I feel like am I just getting older so people around me is also getting older too or is it just everyone around me is dying? (that last line is so morbid I’m so sorry lol) okay okay, so I figured that it is very true that life is short. We’re always blessed to be alive with another chance to make things right, to be grateful, to reflect on things and to simply cherish our life.

I have to remind myself every day how I should feel more blessed and grateful instead of spiteful and lazy. I shall always make the people I love feel that I love them and that I am thankful they are part of my life cause if not for them, how will I have this determination to live? The inspiration to strive?

I will vow to be more forgiving, understanding and grateful. To be more patient, loving, caring. Less spiteful, still fierce but reasonable. I will vow today that I will cherish my life and people around me more than I ever did.

Of adulthood and emotions

First of all, how to be a good blog writer anyway? It sounds so easy and personal and stuff like that but then again it’s so complicated at one point or another?! Ugh.This post is dedicated to everyone who is unsure of everything. Who tries every day to be a proper adult but cannot quite pull it off enough.

Welcome to adulthood! This is when you legit control your emotions because there are factors you have to consider before letting your heart take over. 

When I was younger, I didn’t care who see me cry, I didn’t care where I unleash my emotions. I cry when I need to, I laugh when I want to and that’s just who I was. I am crystal clear of my emotions and I wasn’t bothered at all to show how I feel. I guess that’s both an advantage and a disadvantage.

Well now, being an adult, compressing your emotions, supressing everything at one point or another is how you basically live by day by day because being an adult, you can’t just show everyone how you feel.

That sounds both easy and difficult but it is complicated and I don’t know how else to explain it.

When I was in my teenage years (I’d like to think it wasn’t that long ago. It was just 6 years ago. Yes. My last teenage year)

I would often let my emotions get in the way the moment I felt something. Now that I am older, I am trying to control my emotions as best as I could. This is because I want to save myself from more drama. Like I always say, I don’t want to involve myself with so much drama because 1. It gets really tiring and 2. I just feel like I do not deserve to be in the middle of something so pathetic.

When I get angry, I take deep breaths. I try my best to have a poker face and I try not to think about it even if it’s really just there in front of me. With that, I am saving myself from unnecessary confrontation. (I hate confrontations)

When I extremely want to cry, I also take deep breaths (deep breaths are really helpful ya know) I get to empty my mind and I go back to my reasonable self. I think of things that should matter first and try to forget why I wanted to cry in the first place!

Because being an adult is more than “not crying over spilled milk”. It’s being rational, reasonable and in control. I mean yes, being an adult doesn’t always mean you have to be in control of your life (because more often than not, YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL AND THE MORE YOU TRY, THE MORE IT GETS OUT OF HAND. THAT IS THE TRUTH). Aside from the fact that I do not have extra energy for crying over simple and petty things, I came to a realization that when I cry over these things, it affects me more than it should. It annoys me more than it should and it uses up my time more than it should! 

Because being an adult, you realize your self-worth. It’s not about being arrogant or something. It’s about knowing what matters and what shouldn’t. Because being an adult, you need to control your emotions and as much as I hate to admit this, you can’t just have a meltdown when everything falls apart. You can’t just let everything affect you in a whim. Being an adult is trying not to cry. Being an adult is being smarter than you once were. Being an adult is pulling everything together when it is falling apart. Because being an adult, you have to have control over something and if you can’t grasp whatever is falling apart, at least have a grip on your emotions (this is coming from a person who has a lot of emotions I must say).

I guess what I’m actually getting at is being an adult is really a step by step process. It’s like learning a lot of different things every waking day. It could be hard to really keep your emotions in control but once you try and practice it, you can definitely work your way towards mastering it.

I’m not saying that old people should not cry. There are times when you really can’t help but throw a fit and that’s totally okay. It’s just that you should now have a high regard of yourself. How you hold yourself high. How you should respect yourself more so people would respect you too. How you carry yourself! 

And you know what’s ironic about all these? It’s when you really found something to cry about and you can’t just cry out loud anymore!

WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD!