Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

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Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.

Crazy and Emotional

Last Saturday, I got to talk to one of my friends. That friend was part of the circle I left. I asked her what she thinks about the death of Horacio Castillo III and in the middle of our short discussion, I noticed that she hasn’t accepted my friend request on Facebook (the FB I am using now is a new one) so I asked her why, she said something like “Wala na ba yung fb mo dati? Di ko inaccept pa kasi baka lalo pa magkagulo gulo eh, gets mo naman siguro diba” HINDI KO GETS. (“Is your old FB gone for good? I didn;t accept it so as not to make things worse, if you know what I mean”—that’s the closest translation I could come up with lol)

It got me thinking, why do people who are not involved with the whole drama—involve themselves as if they’re part of it all. That person, was one of those who I think didn’t choose sides but, well, I don’t know anymore.

I was going back and forth, thinking if I should discuss any of this with Kyx but I chose not to because I feel like the more I keep talking about it, the more I bring myself despair and a lot of negative vibes to think about. Yet here I am, talking about it. I guess I only ever freely talk here on my blog.

With that incident, I keep thinking about it even if I know it’s not worth my energy, time and mental health. I hate myself for feeling bad about things that I can’t fix, things that I don’t even want to fix.

I’m sorry that you’re reading this crazy and emotional thoughts I’ve had over the weekend on a Monday (or Sunday or whichever day you’re reading this)

Let’s continue moving forward!

Turning Things Around

 

“How will I ever get back up from this trauma? How will I ever be okay after all these things happened? How will I ever move on? How will I get over everything when the pain crushed me so hard, my bones shattered inside my body. How?”

The thing about every painful thing that happened to our lives is that it is inevitable. Sadly, everything happens because it’s part of our fate. It’s meant to happen or it happened for a reason that will be for the betterment of ourselves. Sometimes, it’s hard to wrap your head around the idea that something tragic happened to you. Why not anyone else? Why not them instead of me? It’s simply because it is meant for your own growth.

How to turn things around when everything and everyone failed you? When you were pushing towards success but you end up being beaten down almost to your grave. When the betrayal is so damn impossible to believe because these people were your backbone for the longest time! When everything was going so damn well but you blinked your eyes and everything turned into total disaster?! Simple. You pick up everything that was thrown your way. You pick up everything. You pick up the shit and gems that have been thrown in your face and use it as the main substance that will help you grow into something better. Better than the people who tried to destroy you, better than yourself. Use everything for your own well-being and turn it all around. When you get shit, turn it into something important to you. Turn it into your own advantage. This is your chance to turn bad situations into opportunities. Into windows of learning and growth.

Because if things are meant to destroy you, then the more you should be able to counter it by using it into your advantage. Do not let anyone destroy you or dull your sparkle. Do not let anyone kill you inside. Do not let yourself be broken for so long. Cause trust me, you deserve better than all the crap the world has to offer.

 

The Twisted Lies

There are really some people who would create their own version of a story just to make them feel better. It’s sad, annoying, irritating and crazy but I am trying to understand these kinds of people.

This is really something personal and I don’t want to write about this for a long time now but I just can’t contain myself anymore. I will not mention names though but know that this is from my own personal experience.

When I was in college, I met a nice guy and we’ve been together for 5 years. It was all amazing. It’s crazy but a fun-filled relationship until things turned sour. I wasn’t sure of the future, he was stuck up between his passion and never thinking about his studying opportunities. I was working already and he was still trying to look for things he want to do. That started our gap, I felt like I didn’t want to be in that kind of relationship. I cannot afford to be in that page wherein I am trying to pursue life and he is stuck somewhere never trying to get to his feet. Until the time came for us to part ways. I realized I was spending so much time and not to mention, money on him all the time. Whenever we go out, I would be the one to pay for basically EVERYTHING. I did it because he had nothing and I’d like for him to be able to experience such but imagine doing it for half a decade, you’ll get drained and tired. It was not ideal. Not because I want him to be the one to shell out money, but because I feel like he was not taking responsibility of anything.

When we broke up, I got sad but I was happy. I was finally going to pursue my life and he went back to school knowing that’s what’s good for him. I am happy for him despite everything. I think I was the one who was able to move on quickly. Partly because I don’t have a lot of time on my hands to dwell over a lot of things. I was sooooo busy with work, I was always tired and didn’t have time for drama. I was also the first one to cope with the break up, broke away from sad things and found love (with my now, almost 2 years life partner aka Kyx) so I think even though he was happy with his life, he didn’t take it very well.

I have heard from people how he talked about me, how he said a lot of awful things. I tried to understand him because some people feel better when they talk ill of other people. So I let it flew by. Also I wasn’t affected because I know the truth behind everything and I was in fact genuinely happy with my life no matter how crazy it could get so yes, I just let him do what he wanted. Let him talk ill of me I didn’t care.

He blocked me over Facebook and it’s fine by me, in fact we don’t need to be “friends” anyway. So I asked my cousin to please get all my stuff from him plus all the books. He gave bag a few stuff and no books were given back. I was so annoyed because I really wanted all my books. I need them and they are my only investments. So I told my cousin to ask him if he can give me back my books. He told my cousin that he doesn’t have my books anymore and maybe it was with other guys. TAKE NOTE “with other guys”. How the hell can he say that about me? I have stuck with him for a very long time even if he kept cheating on me! How dare he say these stuff!? This time I was so infuriated already. I kept yapping about my books and I even told Kyx about it. Kyx told me he can just buy me a new book and just let it fly.

I realized he can keep all the books I have left with him if he didn’t want to return it then he can just keep it. He even told my cousin that I should just keep quiet and stop nagging him. It was just funny. Funny how he twist his own stories. Funny how he tries to make himself believe that I am running after him, that I want him.

Sometimes, that’s their coping strategy. Sometimes they feel better about themselves when they get to have the sort of ending they were hoping for. I mean it didn’t really happen but just saying it or faking the story they get some satisfaction from it. WHICH I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

How does something so twisted, so untrue can make you feel better? People like this should re-evaluate their lives and try to have a different coping strategy. Because twisting something can affect other people’s lives. How can you find happiness at the expense of trampling over other people who wants nothing but happiness and peace? I guess I am just really busy to even feel angry about what’s happening. I guess I have to give it to knowing myself and being truthful. As long as I know it’s a lie, as long as God knows the truth, I shall never let it get to me. Plus stress hormones can make me fat so I guess I shall just let this pass.

I pray though that he finds peace within himself because getting old with a grudge and a twisted sense of the truth will never make you happy.