“Walang Reason, Ayaw Ko Lang Talaga Sakanya”

“Di ko nga alam kung bakit ayaw ko sakanya eh. Di ko alam kung bakit ako naiinis. Naiinis at ayaw ko sakanya talaga for no reason at all! Di ko talaga alam kung bakit”

Hahahahahahahahahaha walang ganyan. Hindi yan nageexist. Luko loko ka ba?

May reason pero hindi ka lang handang aminin maski sa sarili mo kung ano yung reason na yun. Kadalasan ang root cause niyan kasi ay hindi mo matanggap kaya nagkakasya ka nalang sa “walang dahilan, di ko alam ang dahilan” excuses.

Reason #1: Inggit

Maaaring naiinis ka kasi may mga bagay na meron siya na wala ka. May mga kaibigan siya na gusto mong maging kaibigan, may mga tao sa buhay niya na gusto mong magkaroon din ng ganoong klaseng tao pero tingin mo, wala ka.

Reason #2: Insecurity

Insecure ka sa mga bagay na kaya niyang gawin. Sa kung paano niya nadadala ang sarili niya. Sa kung paano ang suot niyang damit at sapatos ay bagay sakanya at sayo, tingin mo hindi. Naiintimidate ka sa kung papaano siya magsalita at kumilos.

Reason #3: Pagsasalita

Minsan may paraan siya ng pagsasalita na hindi mo nagugustuhan. Maarte, slang, may accent, malakas ang boses, mahina, mahinhin. Hindi mo gusto, hindi pumapalakpak ang tenga mo.

Reason #4: Pananamit

Hindi mo bet kung ano ang suot niya. Pakiramdam mo papansin. Baka masyadong loud o kaya naman ay lousy. Hindi mo trip yung style.

Reason #5: Mga Kasama o Kaibigan Niya

Meron siyang mga kaibigan o taong laging kasama na hindi mo gusto kaya naman hindi mo na rin siya gusto. Kumbaga damay damay na ‘to.

Laging may rason. Hindi pupwedeng wala. Wala man sa mga choices ko na inilatag, paniguradong meron kang rason. Ano ka sira ulo para mainis ng walang dahilan? Hindi ganon. Kaya bullshit yang mga “walang rason. Di ko alam kung bakit” kasi kung iisipin mong mabuti, mayroon yang dahilan. May rason kung bakit umaayaw ka sa isang tao, may nagagawa siya na ayaw mo. May kinikilos siya na ayaw mo. May something. Ngayon kung hindi mo mapin point kung ano yung something na yun, bigyan mo ng oras at panahon yung sarili mong isipin yun. Alam mo kung bakit?

  • Sayang sa energy yung may ayaw kang tao. Lalo na kung wala namang ginagawa sayong masama. Kung tuwing nakikita mo siya ay naiinis ka, tuwing naririnig mo ang boses niya nabubwisit ka—ikaw ang talo dahil ikaw tong nakakaramdam ng negative na emotion eh.
  • Kung ang ginagawa niya ay negative at tingin mong hindi tama, sabihin mo para magawan niya ng paraan. Kung hindi niya naman aayusin, hindi mo na kasalanan yon.
  • Maiksi ang buhay para magfocus sa negative energies na dala ng walang kwenta mong excuses kagaya ng “di ko alam kung bakit pero naiinis ako sakanya” diba? Mukang ewan.

Tapos isipin mo din ito:

  • Natutuwa ba naman siya sayo?
  • Nabubuhay ba siya para i-please ang isang kagaya mo?
  • Tama lang ba yang attitude mong naiinis ka pero wala naman sa lugar?

At higit sa lahat, Ikaw ba gusto ka niya? (hahahahaha taena lakas mo maka-ayaw hahaha)

Mahirap talagang maging tao pero hassle na nga ang buhay ngayon dadagdagan mo pa? Eh kung maging mabait ka nalang kaya? Napakaselfish kasi ng attitude na naiinis ka sa ibang tao without even thinking kung ikaw ba ay nakakainis ka rin ba? Kasi diba, kung nagiisip ka ng maayos, kung matino ka at mabait ka, diba considerate ka? Hindi mo isusubject ang isang tao sa sarili mong criteria kasi hindi sayo lang umiikot ang mundo. Hindi ikaw ang laging iintindihin at uunawain. Hindi ikaw ang laging pakikibagayan.

Sana tayo bilang tao, may ganyan tayong mindset. Hindi yung basta na lang pabugso bugso ang actions natin nang walang concrete na dahilan. Kasi sa totoo lang kung hindi man ito nakakaapekto sa taong kinaiinisan mo, let’s say wala naman siyang pake (kagaya kunyari ng mga taong parang si Kyx na may bahala kayo diyan attitude) pero kasi may impact ito sa iyo. Sa mental health mo, emotional health mo pati na rin sa social skills mo diba?

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Blessed Month!

I am still surprised that May is over already.

Towards the end of every months, I’d always say “thank God it’s over!” or “Finally!!” but I liked May. I think May liked me too.

May has been a terrific month for me. There weren’t anything that was too hard to handle. No anxiety or panic attacks that made me cry randomly, no sleepless nights, my grumpiness was at a tolerable level, my stress-o-meter was on a normal scale, everything is just lining up for me and nothing was too hard! I guess, there were ultimately difficult things I went through from other months so I guess May is this really easy peasy time for me.

Actually, both April and May are fantastic. I am super blessed and I did feel great for the past two months ya know.

But this month, I felt that there was an outpour of blessings for me, my family, friends and loved ones. I was continued to be blessed with healing. Blessed to still have friends who are there for me and I think, this is the month wherein I got really closer to God. I didn’t think I’d be feeling this way. I didn’t expect that being closer to Him feels so good, like nothing can go wrong, or if anything goes wrong I’ll be fine. That kind of feeling! So watch out for what I’ll be sharing with you about these experiences and spiritual encounters with God.

Work is meh and even blah. It does pay the bills but I am beginning to see myself desperate, pathetic. I know I want a hefty pay check if that’s possible but it isn’t always the money to be honest. I love mundane, I like routine, I like comfort but for once this isn’t the comfort I want. I am not learning, I am not growing and I don’t see that people like to see people grow here. Y’know what I mean? But overall, life is pretty good this month! (except my feelings toward work)

In a nutshell, May is a remarkable month. I’d always remember feeling light, easy and happy because of the blessings I received! Soooo happy! (I wrote “so dope” but it sounded as if I was a tita tryna be cool like?? Hahaha)

What’s Up Lately

I wrote a lot of things but I wasn’t able to post it because I want the photos to be uploaded as well. However, I was not able to transfer my photos so I probably would wait ‘til the weekend to post all the things on my draft!

First of all, I can’t wait to share with you all how I have been focusing on myself, my growth and everything that I am working on for my own betterment.

Second, hindi halata but I am terribly missing my friends in the blogosphere. I haven’t had much time to even talk to my friends (Hi TFIOB people heheh) because work is super TOXIC. AS IN. (everyday tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung kaya ba today? Haha)

Third, I have been stuck in my 67 kg weight before and after Palawan mainly because I have not been working hard on the strict diet that I have on my mind plus I have only gone boxing once (yesterday) ever since my Palawan trip so that’s almost a month of NO EXERCISE. God, bless my soul josko huhu.

Fourth, I am trying my best to go back to blogging. To be where I was back then. Always writing, always interacting. PLEASE pray for me. HALP! Haha It’s so hard for me, idk why. I just. Hayyy. Basta help me powzzz hehe.

Fifth, I did tell you guys about my birthday (or I haven’t posted that one yet?) Basta my birthday was fun and it wasn’t terrible unlike last year! I AM SO BLESSED this year huhu.

Sixth, I am still on the lookout for a new job. I don’t think I’ll still be sane if I stay for more than 5 months pa. HALP!

Kayo, Kamusta???

TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

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TFIOB 2nd Meet Up (Photo from Kuya Jheff)

Saturday, January 6, 2018 – TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

Of course, since I have to work from 9am to 4pm, I can’t make it on time. OBVS.

Right after work, I asked my officemate/friend, Anne if she can help me and my late sorry ass to go to Gateway Cubao. There was this “hidden” pathway called Butas and from there, we rode a tricycle heading to Guadalupe and then we rode the MRT going to Cubao. It was a fun experience because I don’t get to do that very often and I learned a lot from that trip (I’ll write about it some other time) Basta ang hirap huminga sa loob ng MRT, I swear haha.

When I arrived at Banapple, Gateway Mall (where the meet up was held) almost everyone was there. I didn’t get to talk to them as intimately as I’d liked to but it was still a fun experience. Those whom I met at the first meet up grew closer to my heart and the ones I’m meeting for the first time made me look forward to the next meet up.

There are still a lot of other Filipino bloggers from TFIOB that I’m looking forward to meet and talk to in person. Hopefully on the next meet up, I’d be able to see everyone.

On this meet up, I was able to meet these wonderful people and we all have different blogging styles, topics, culture, backgrounds and means of living but one thing that I realized is that everyone of us clicks just about right! We were able to set aside our differences and ang saya lang talaga hahah.

I’ll talk about the amazing things I experienced and realized while I was with them.

  1. I realized that I went out of my way for this people because these are the people that helped me when I was down and I love to see them and be able to talk to them personally.
  2. They helped me to get the hell out of my shell. When I am with them, I am not quiet and just a tinee weeny bit shy. It’s like they’re pushing me to give my full potential when socializing.
  3. They are really wonderful people. Go meet a writer and you’d feel like they really understand you to the core ?? And if not, they’ll try to understand you. I can’t explain the feeling, but just the openness of everyone? It’s impeccable!

Here are the bloggers I have met! Visit their blogs and see for yourself how wonderful these people are.

  • Kuya Jheff – He’s the one who organized the meet up hehe. Probably the kindest person I have met. He’s very patient, honest and nice. I really like him as a person. He inspires me to be better.
  • Rhea – Met her on the first meet up but I was not able to really socialize with her until the second meet up. She’s this strong amazing woman and she inspires me to be closer to God. 😀
  • Jas – The ball of energy that she is, is amazing!! She’s the life of the party and there is no dull moment when you are with her.
  • Jonathan – met this guy on the first meet up but was not able to really know him well, the second time I met him, I realized he’s kind, funny and a great person!
  • Kuya Keso and Ate Chococake – I was able to meet their kids at the meet up and huhuhu they are family goals talaga! Haha
  • Aysa – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was late and she needs to go home early hehe. But just like how she is in her blog—natural, kind and maganda!
  • Ely – I was looking forward to meet this person! KAKAIBANG FEELING! I didn’t know that Ely will be going talaga sa meet up and nung nakita ko na siya, NATUWA TALAGA AKO HUHUHU!
  • Kate – I think I knew Kate from the blog even before I knew these people and I was so excited to see her. FINALLY. She’s this amazing person who helped me in my darkest days. Huhuhu coffee date please!
  • Sensei – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was seated far from her although I was able to socialize with her before the meet up through comments and blog reading hehe. I like her!
  • Grace – I met her before at a blogging event but she can’t remember me HAHAHA. She’s this cute woman, very friendly and nice too! Can’t wait to see her again.
  • James – He’s this cool guy and I think he’s easy to get along with. He’s also very nice!
  • Patrick – I was not able to talk to him personally because when I arrived he already left but then he came back so we were just talking in groups with him hehe.
  • Pajama – She’s very mysterious but she has this game lagi vibes.

Overall, it was a nice experience to be able to at least meet the people behind the blogs I read every day. I hope our other TFIOB friends will be able to join us next time! Really looking forward to meeting a lot more people from the blogging community. Kakatuwa!

Hopefully, makita ko na din si Space, Alona, Kat, Jolens, Amielle, Kuya Albert, Jhem, Aubrey, Mikay, Ate Joy, Gerry, Chamy, Left Pencil, Jasmine, Ica, Kris, CJ, Ricaella, Monch, Marts, Meg, Marj, Eca, Princess, Deb, No Juan is an Island, Jirah, Vi, Jen , Idol Wanderer at marami pang iba! ❤

These are the blogs they wrote about the meet up:

Thank You for Saving Me

This is probably the hundredth time I am writing this. I was actually about to post something like this yesterday after working so hard on it, but I feel like it’s filled with drama and grabe ako makaemote so I’m going to start all over again and we’ll see if this gets published.

How do you say thank you to people whom you have not met but were there for you any time of day when you needed them? How do you say thank you to the ones who have saved your life a couple dozens of times and they have not even seen you face to face? So here’s to you guys, to every single one of you who have been so helpful especially in times when I was in a dark dark place. Basically, everyone on my “Everyday Reads” and a couple more who have reached out to me one way or another. I wanted to post all the comments you left that really made a big impact in my life but there’s just so many that choosing only a couple from each person would not do it justice. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Every comment you left, every comforting words you shared with me when I was just about to pull that trigger (metaphorically ah. I don’t have a gun lol) helped me heal, helped me see the light, helped me think about things rationally.

I guess I wouldn’t be here, physically present, if it were not for people like you. Our simple conversations and exchange of thoughts mean a lot to me and I am hoping we continue to have this kind of relationship until the end of time. (see? Ang drama)

Also from spending time with me in hard times to enjoying with me in funny times (when I wrote the KyxAila serye haha) thank you so much.

Thank you for being there when no one else was.

What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

2017 made sure I learned a lot from life, friends, people, experiences, attitude, personal growth and love. I realized many things and even though I have to learn some things the hard way, I am glad it all happened.

Have you ever said this phrase or have someone said that in your face?

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

I realized that we say nice things, heart filling things like this but when all else fails, we forget the true meaning of it. If you said that you’ll always be a friend “no matter what” for me it should mean that whatever shit you go through, may it be hell and back, you’d stick with each other and try to patch things up as hard as you can because there are things in life that would test a friendship. It should not always be about good times, you have to share bad times too and when you go past that then that’s when you’ll know a friendship is true.

I will keep in mind for as long as I live that the words I’d drop are words I can live by.

I hope you guys do that too.