Making It a Habit

I’m making it a habit of asking myself “what is this teaching me?” before I react negatively. It helps me a lot especially in trying times!! I didn’t realize before how much stress I put into myself just because I’m too snappy and I react easily. Kainis.

There’s this person that I get to see almost daily and he’s very different from before. He was so welcoming, friendly, sweet and caring but things changed and I don’t know why, maybe there are a lot of factors, maybe I did something that annoyed him, maybe there’s something more than that that I know nothing about. In short, I am clueless as to why he is acting up like that. I tried so hard to analyze it over and over again until I realized I was stressing myself and overthinking things.

  • First off, I am not guilty of anything so why should I bother?
  • Well I bother because I’m that kind of person, right? LOL.
  • He doesn’t make steps to confront me or anyone else if there’s an issue because obviously, there’s an issue and he doesn’t seem to want to address it. So be it. I won’t be the one to address it simply because I didn’t do anything wrong for him to act the way he does. Hah!

So about 3 weeks ago, I was very bothered by his behaviour. Yung hindi namamansin effect? Yung yes or no lang and doesn’t look at me or my sister. He’s been like that for a long time now and idk why so I feel bad that he’s doing that to me and my sister. So what I did was I tried convincing myself that maybe he’s just busy with work, he’s doing a lot of things and di ko na siya magawang ng excuse (LOL ANU NA)

Last night, he wasn’t feeling well so I asked him if he’s okay, he said he’s not okay but he didn’t look at me. I feel like crap to be honest hah! Pero wala talaga akong ginawa sa kanya sooo hahahaha

I asked myself again, what is this teaching me? Why is this person treating me like crap after everything? Why is this person being mean and terrible to me when I am not doing anything? Bigla nalang? If I did something wrong, why not tell me instead of giving me a cold shoulder? Why is this person making me feel like I’m not worth his time and love anymore?

The only answer I could come up with is “Your attitude towards me and the people around us is teaching me to NOT be like that” hahahahaha.

If someone is mean to us, instead of firing back why not let it teach you to be someone better? Diba? If someone is being terrible, it’s saying that we shouldn’t be like that. Just imagine if we were as terrible diba, think about how others would feel if you are THAT terrible.

Do I make sense or di ko siya maexplain? I feel like I need to put a lot of thought before I publish this pero ang plastic ko naman ahahaha.

If that kind of attitude makes us feel like shit, what if we were the one giving that kind of attitude to others? They will feel shitty too, right? So yeah, I feel like it’s teaching me to be the better person here. HEHEHEH. (hindi si Kyx yan I swear hahaha just saying haha)


Those Who Are Mean Are Unhappy

Those who are mean end up always angry, lost, confused and unhappy.

Before I talk about anybody else or just in general, I’d like to talk about my own personal experience about this.

There’s something liberating about being stripped off about who you really are. All the bad things you did big and small thrown out there for all the world to see. At first, you’d see it as something so painful and humiliating. But once you get to the path of realization, you’d have a clear vision of who you were, how heavy you felt, how toxic you have become and you’d know who you really want to become.

Like I said here and here, I didn’t realize that I was becoming a monster. I didn’t know that what I said in the past would be blown out of proportion and that it would be a big deal! I was so confused but I barrelled through these emotions and I saw everything I was. It felt like I was looking at myself but that person is a different me. It feels like I lost touch of who I really was and I became this mean, insecure lost person. I saw myself and that was enough to keep the change coming. That was enough to knock some sense in me and make me who I really was. You know Te Ka and Te Fiti from Moana? It’s like she’s the exact same person but without her heart, she was really bad but when Moana returned her heart, Te Ka changed back to Te Fiti? That was me. I felt like it was a good representation of who I originally am then transformed into who I became without my heart then returned to my original self.

When I was mean, I was always angry and agitated about everything. I make comments so easily and I feel like I hate everything and everyone. For the most parts, I was just really lost, confused and unhappy. I cringe at my old self. Looking back at her, I felt like I didn’t know her.

Now that I’m trying to be a better person, someone who is not mean anymore, I became happier and contented. It’s as if my rants now became less frequent and I don’t overthink about other people and what they think of me unlike before! So however you want to put it, people who are mean to others, unforgiving and can only think about others in a bad shape would mean unhappiness and confusion. They may not realize it but it’s going to be a never ending cycle until you decide to be a better person.

Mean people = Unhappy people and vice versa. If you want happiness to come and stay for good, you have to be a kind person. Positive energy attracts positive energy. ❤

When you’re happy, you’re kinder. When you’re kinder you’ll like yourself even more.

Recent Hanash

I thought about it and I realized that being a better person is not so much of a burden as I make it to be on most days.

I get a lot of things gathered inside my head until I suffer from too much emotional torture. I keep trying to be better but it’s a bit harder than I expected—until I realized that it shouldn’t be as hard as I’d like it!

How? It’s easy. Stop living your life the way others treat you. The way they talk to you, value you has nothing to do with how you should be. Changing your ways is nice, if it’s changing for the better. But if you find yourself changing just because that’s how you should reciprocate others’ actions, then that’s not good. Plus it makes your life hard!

What am I trying to say? It’s simple.

  1. If other people turn a cold shoulder, you feel like ‘oh yeah? Fine. Then I shall give you the cold treatment too!’ even if you don’t want to, even if that’s not how you are as a person. If someone is cold to you, it doesn’t mean you have to be cold to them (unless you like it like that but in my case) I can never be like that especially for people I truly care about. I mean I can let someone be, if you don’t want to talk to me then I can give you space. But if you come back to your senses and decided to talk to me, then I will talk to you as well. I won’t take the vengeful route of giving you the taste of your own medicine. I can’t be like that. I tried but I’m too soft hahahahaha.
  2. If people are mean to you, doesn’t mean you need to be mean to them too. Like number 1, giving other people the taste of their own medicine doesn’t always work out especially if you’re too kind. You’d end up feeling worse than you already felt so might as well just let them be. But still, be firm. I’m not saying you should let other people trample all over you. Just don’t be like them.
  3. Continue trying to be better even if they criticize you and accuse you of being “fake”. I have my fair share of being accused as “playing the victim”, paawa, pabebe, faking it etc etc but this is how I really am eh! I can’t be too cruel. I have said mean things about other people but I realize my mistakes as soon as I made them! If I say sorry, I mean it. If I say I miss a person, I mean it. You can’t fake emotions, can you?

So I guess I’m past the stage where I wanted them to feel what I felt. I have learned a lot through all of my life experiences but that didn’t make me cruel. All cruel and life changing experiences I went through made me tough but that doesn’t mean I’d have a bitch comeback. I’m glad I took this route and it made me love myself more. I love myself more now than I ever did when I had a lot of friends. Now I realized that as long as I love myself better, I should be okay.

It’s Not Always About You

What if we live in a world wherein we know that it isn’t always about us and our feelings?

There are a bunch of things that lead back to us—being selfish and thinking about our feelings, treating our emotions as important as a precious gem without realizing that we are just part of a vast universe. That the world does not revolve around us and we shouldn’t be too selfish.

Here are the things that happen when our feelings are being “too important” for us.

  1. When things do not go our way, we focus our energy on being frustrated and disappointed.
  2. We question whether or not we deserve an ugly treatment.
  3. Our pride is important. Our ego should be fed every once in a while.
  4. We form hatred and ill feelings toward other people because we may be jealous, insecure, immature or anything that floats that same boat.
  5. We are too petty.

Imagine how easier our life will be if we don’t see ourselves as entitled and privileged as we usually do?

If we realize that this isn’t about us, about our feelings, we tend to be more positive, more accepting and more grateful. We don’t sulk so much, we don’t waste our energy on things that shouldn’t matter.

Many Souls

As I have written on my previous post, I have realizations wherein I continue to catch myself being different and far more better (most of the time) than the previous version of myself. I figured it’s probably because maybe, everyone of us have a lot of souls inside us. I mean we have a core soul but we have tremendous fiber of other layers hovering and just waiting to emerged to the surface when the time calls for it. (disclaimer: this is a plain birth of my mind and I am not crazy. I also do not have scientific and even metaphoric basis on my ideas so… HAHAHA)

In a much more sensible phrase, no matter what the emotions and actions we have, we will always always unleash a different version of ourselves.

We would always be stronger, kinder softer, more loving, more understanding. Even MORE or LESS of everything, whichever way it goes, we are always different from who we were days, weeks, months, years ago. We have changed and most of the time, we don’t even notice it!

Even for a fact that I have an idea that somehow, I have changed for the better, I still get quite shocked whenever I feel like a better person. (this bit makes me laugh out loud to myself like really? I am a better person? LMAO) but seriously. Like for instance, when someone gives you shit, instead of bringing a bigger shit than you got, you become the bigger/better person and get rid of this shit instead of making a huge fuss out of it than you would usually do. Right? Like you get to be the better person and you get a little surprised when this sort of things happen but then you get used to being a better person so you go on with it day by day and end up being far far far more, way way way wayyyyy better than you already are and you get surprised again and the cycle goes on. So maybe, we just really unleash our beautiful souls when the time comes and isn’t that nice to know?

I was meaning for this entry to be more meaty and sensible but again, I failed because of the many babbling I do and keep distracting myself from things. Eeeep!

Knowing Yourself Through Whatever

One of the most important stuff I have learned ever since I turned 25 was a shocking and spectacular  realization that I will continue to know myself more and more everyday. That the fact that I know myself already and have everything about me figured out was such a dumb thought I entertained a few years back. Every challenge, every milestone made me realize that I am far more better than myself everyday, I continue to get better and I continue to learn about life in such a way that I find it easier to live!

There are moments wherein I thought I can’t do it, I can’t handle it, I’m bad at this and that etc etc but everyday, I prove to myself that no, I can always do it even if I think I can’t handle it.

You know how this realization struck me? It’s not about a great conflict or a challenge I overcame. It’s something really small!

As I was contemplating about the new paints I would be buying (sooner or later) I talked to Kyx. I told him that I feel like I don’t deserve a huge variety of color given the fact that I am a noob when it comes to watercolour painting. He then told me this “No, it’s okay. You will be able to use it because you will be good at it someday” then bam! Something sparked inside. I then realized that yes, that’s right! I may improve! I may be able to learn and who knows, I might even be a good watercolour painter!

The realization is this: I know myself but I will continue to know myself more.

Through your ups and downs, you will definitely push yourself more and more everyday thus a different version of yourself resurface and you get all surprised again by your own brilliance.

Above all these, I’m still having second thoughts in getting the new (level up) paint for myself, Winsor and Newton Cotman 45 half pans! Bahhhh. I wish someone could help me convince myself to actually get it already because it’s going to be another day again and I will continue talking in and out myself with the idea of a new watercolour set. Something fairly an upgrade from the kiddie watercolour paint I am used to.

Okayyyyy I am going off topic. But yeah. Have you realized the same thing? That you feel like you know yourself already but then another you gets unleashed by a happy or difficult situation? I think I shall write about this more on a different post.