Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.


“hold on to the ones who really care”

“You have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. You go through all the pain and strife then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast.

So hold on to the ones who really care ‘cause in the end they’ll be the only ones there. When you get old and start losing your hair, can you tell me who will still care?”

If we only just take this song more seriously than all its pop glory, we can save ourselves from so many heartaches. Or not. But still.

Nakagawian ko nang tapusin ang mga sentences ko sa mga nakakainis na “or not” “but still” “so”. Bakit ako ganito? Nakakahiya. Sana hindi makita ng Prof ko to kahit kelan haha.

Forgive And Let Go, Aila!

Today I’m letting go. It’s been a year of saying and being sorry to this person who can’t forgive. To this individual who may have the ability to forgive but choose to fight hurt with hurt.

I was wondering why some people can hurt other people deliberately and not be sorry about it. I wonder how some people can wake up every morning and sleep soundly at night knowing that they have hurt someone. I wonder how some people can live day by day knowing that a person is trying to reach out not for friendship but for letting loose a grudge, pain and heartbreak.

(Or baka ako lang yung nagsasaalangalang sa ibang tao? I got so mad at this individual pero mas pinipili kong magpatawad at magsorry kung nakasakit man ako dahil una ayaw ko ng may mga kasamaan ng loob at pangalawa, mag-best friends ang tatay namin. Nilalagay ko yun sa unahan dahil ayokong malagay sa alanganin ang tatay ko.)

But then again we can’t control other people and how they react. We can’t force them to be soft hearted when they’re not. We can’t tell them to be this way, to act like this because for sure, there’s a reason as to why they are doing what they’re doing.

Kaya naman I am letting go of that person and the pain. I will not pretend that that person do not exist, I will just let it be. If I let go of the pain and hurt, I unburden myself of the baggage that I shouldn’t even be carrying in the first place. Let go of the people who hurt us, let go of the pain they brought and forgive them.

Easier said than done but this is definitely easy if you have a kind heart.

Because when you’re hurting someone and when feelings are involved, the bahala ka sa buhay mo attitude does not reflect kindness. It reflects kontrabida-ness teh.

Hindi pwedeng laging nagmamatigas para protektahan ang sarili. Hindi pwedeng laging galit agad ang pinapairal natin. Because at the end of the day, the person who holds the grudge will never be able to let go of the pain.

Ikaw, oo ikaw nga, kung iyan ang nagpapatulog ng mahimbing sayo, nakakapagpasaya sa buhay mo, yung nagpapagising ng may ngiti sa labi mo, then so be it. Pero tandaan mo, kung walang pagbabago, ibang tao ang laging magaadjust at masama pa rin talaga ugali mo, it’s on you. You will never be truly happy in life.

Control Freak

Every day, I make it a point to find windows of opportunity for growth so that I can be a better human being. I always reflect the moment I wake up and before sleeping at night thinking about what I can work on about myself, what I am doing wrong and how I can make things right moving forward.  There were days when I can say I’m doing really well and there were some that I can’t help but succumb into negativity and toxicity—like last night.

I usually go to bed at around 11pm. That’s the latest I can keep my eyes open on a work night but last night was different. It’s almost 2 in the morning and I have to be up by 7 yet I can’t sleep because I kept thinking about something negative, toxic people and toxic attitude. I was submitting myself to the burden these negativities are bringing and for a second, it felt as if it’s the right thing to do. Then my rational self, snapped me back to reality and I had to talk it out with Kyx.

Of course, Kyx being the best and chill-est person in the universe, told me to let go because I wouldn’t achieve anything good in this. Feeling bad and absorbing all the negative energy will not make me feel good in the end. Of course it wouldn’t.

I was trying to find out what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I put myself through unnecessary stress and frustration? Why can’t I let go of the thought easily?? I know I can let go, I know I can move forward but why do I felt stuck?

The answers did come the moment I woke up. I was back to thinking why I sacrificed my precious sleep just because of the things I was thinking about.

I always wonder why I end up frustrated even over trivial things—control. I want to have control over every little thing there is. It’s so selfish of me to be that way, I know.

It’s like whenever I lose control and things do not go my way, being the control freak that I am—I lose it! I get so freaked out and it just goes downhill from there. Wow. Being a control freak is so stressful!!

Now that I know what it is that makes me succumb to these negative thoughts and toxicity, my goal is to let it go and stop controlling everything! Aside from it being selfish, it’s not practical and realistic. I’m just burdening myself with unnecessary stress and anxiety. It’s totally not worth it.

It’s going to be a long process but at least I found out what’s wrong and what I need to fix.

Do you have a most recent “me project” wherein you’re trying to be a better person? What is it and how are you moving towards self-improvement? Let me know 🙂

I Like Myself

It’s the first time in a long time that I can truly say how I like myself now so much more than I ever could have before. You know, the constant thinking of am I being liked enough, do these people like me, what can I do for these people to like me, I think they’re annoyed, why are they annoyed, they might not like me. These questions have kept me locked in an insecurity bubble I have created for myself but this time, I’m out of it. I’m done. I realized that I like myself a lot and I don’t need anyone’s validation anymore. As long as God likes me enough, then I’m good to go!

Those where my thoughts before I went to bed last night. I am more confident in my own skin now, I like how I look, I don’t care if people don’t like me, I don’t care if they don’t think I’m pretty and this feels sooo sooo good.

Of course there will still be days that I will not like myself but I trust that it won’t be as much as I did before.

Happy Tuesday!

photo not mine.

Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

Are You A Ticking Time Bomb?

What to do when you are not happy but you can’t pinpoint the reason why you’re sad?

Have you ever felt like a ticking time bomb and you didn’t even know you are one until the point that you are just about to explode? I don’t know exactly why some of us are like that (I am included) but maybe there are a lot of factors like your environment, your background, how you were raised, your personality and the list goes on. So I can’t speak in general but I’d speak openly about myself and my own experiences.

If we are not in a social kind of setting (a party, a meet-up, a getaway, outing, gathering, reunions etc.) I normally am quiet, reserved, shy. I don’t look approachable either. I have this focused look on my face when I’m writing or reading, I don’t look at people, I don’t listen to what they’re saying unless they’re talking to me. I keep to myself a lot hence the twitter account (I speak the things I can’t say out loud on twitter so deal with it haha)

Over the past year, I have developed into having a friendlier face (still not friendly enough) but people still wonder if I’m mad, angry or going through something. I like to think a lot and I don’t say things outright. Delayed reaction ako lagi mga besh. I don’t comment or react instantly but when the situation sinks in, you’re in for a ride.

So in a nutshell, I keep to myself, I’m quiet and I don’t talk if I don’t have to but there are a lot of things going on in my head that once triggered, it’s either I’ll throw a fit, shut you out of my life or worst—give in to panic and anxiety. You see if you’re like me, a lot of emotions and feelings get bottled up inside so when I get upset, I don’t even know what exactly upsets me simply because I didn’t react right away or I didn’t deal with it the moment it happened. I have the tendency to shove it at the back of my head only to pop up right when my emotions are about to explode.

Now, here’s what I do to deal with things like this.

  1. Take a step back and listen to yourself. Talk yourself out to handling your emotions well by practicing to feel what needs to be felt at a given moment.
  2. If you feel like crying, cry it out. You don’t always need to understand why because it will only mess you up a little more.
  3. Once you’re calmer, try to analyse and understand yourself as to why you felt like crying or why are you upset. Evaluate what triggered you and what your actions should have been at that time.
  4. Take your time, being okay will not happen even if you already want to be okay.
  5. Get yo ass on to the mat and do yoga! (or meditate, do anything that helps relax your mind)

Last week I was so stressed out that I ate so many cookies and did yoga. I have to pay for the calories now so I’d go boxing but now I can’t because I spent so much on skin care again. Now I think I have to look for a new coping mechanism hahaha. This cookie and online shopping thing is bad. So bad. Hahaha