I Like Myself

It’s the first time in a long time that I can truly say how I like myself now so much more than I ever could have before. You know, the constant thinking of am I being liked enough, do these people like me, what can I do for these people to like me, I think they’re annoyed, why are they annoyed, they might not like me. These questions have kept me locked in an insecurity bubble I have created for myself but this time, I’m out of it. I’m done. I realized that I like myself a lot and I don’t need anyone’s validation anymore. As long as God likes me enough, then I’m good to go!

Those where my thoughts before I went to bed last night. I am more confident in my own skin now, I like how I look, I don’t care if people don’t like me, I don’t care if they don’t think I’m pretty and this feels sooo sooo good.

Of course there will still be days that I will not like myself but I trust that it won’t be as much as I did before.

Happy Tuesday!


photo not mine.
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Maybe I Need A Drink or Two

Well for some weird reason, I can’t stop thinking about alcohol. When I was in my early twenties (shet bat parang it was a long time ago na???) Probably around 20 to 25, those were my walwal days. Not the kind of walwal wherein I go out and party and get so smashed. My walwal days were the days I’d like to call “Chill Walwal”. Because it’s often done at our old apartment’s garage, in my room, in my house, at a friend’s house just drinking and talking the night away. But drinking really excessively while talking I might say.

I had this really bad habit of drinking a lot and enjoying how heavily intoxicated I was. Nothing wild but just really sorta high haha. Those were the days. I usually do that in my house with 2 of my best friends. (not my besties anymore haha) and now, all I can think about is how much I loved drinking! You know like alcohol was an old friend who I always talk to way back but I only visit a few times these days because adulting suddenly surfaced? Ah man, I miss the chill walwal days.

Now that I am an adult, I enjoy a half bottle of wine as night caps, a few beers here and there, drinking with only myself. I guess it can be satisfying more often than not but drinking in solace never really was a problem. I guess it’s sometimes fun to drink with your friends too no?

Hay nako, I don’t know what my point is here. I just really really want to drink right now!!! hahahahah

Fresh Grads, Quarter Life Crisis-ers, Wanderers

5 years after graduating from college and being 27 years old now (is this considered as ‘late twenties’ already??? HOLYFCKNSHITTTT???) here are some of the things I’ve learned in life worth sharing. I hope you pick up something here that will help you cope and keep up with life without feeling so bad.

  • The real world + aging + growing up is messy! And no matter how much you think you are prepared for this, honey you are not and will never be prepared. You’ve been quite sheltered and we all have been in that phase but this is different now. So when I say you will never be prepared, it’s not supposed to sound so bad. It’s something that will immediately make you feel better because no adult has ever been prepared to be an adult per se and up to this day, I still can’t get the hangs of adulting! I swear. So chin up, cheer up, we are all struggling. Heh
  • Accept it. Some friendships are not meant to last even if you’ve been together for 15 years like???? You may have argued, drifted apart or just stopped being friends but that is normal. It could hurt for some, it could be okay for some but what I’m trying to say is it is normal hehe. It happens!
  • Half the time, I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life. Sure I have a stable job (which I actually loved before. Like loved so much. Now I want to leave haha) sure I go boxing at least twice a week, I follow a healthy lifestyle, I go to church, I have friends, I drink sometimes, I watch stuff I want to watch, I enjoy but that’s not everything there is to life and even if it seems that adults like me (seryoso ba?) look like we have it all figured out, NOPE. So don’t pressure yourself too much. We don’t get to know what we want as quickly as we want to.
  • There is no freaking deadline. The stuff we read on facebook, the quotes we see everywhere? They’re all real. Like do what you can, enjoy your life and don’t look at what others have that you don’t have. Who cares if your friend was able to buy a car already and here you are trying to figure out your ABCs at work? Life is not a race and you must keep reminding yourself that. Too often we forget to make it about for life’s greater purpose, to glorify our God. We keep working and trying to get the best things just so people would think we’re happy and successful. Life doesn’t work like that so stop trying to impress everyone else by pressuring yourself with your stupid made up deadlines.
  • Take one step at a time and do everything with love while glorifying our God.

So I hope you don’t pressure yourself every day and feel sad and desperate and all that life crisis bits and pieces. We’ll get through this.

How I Have Finally Let Go

There are people who have been part of our lives for a very long time that letting go of them is so hard. You shared so many memories together, imagine all the inside jokes you have, the foundation you built. Then all of a sudden, it comes crumbling down as if there was no foundation at all to begin with.

In letting go, you’re actually doing yourself a favour. And no, letting go does not happen when you want it to happen, at least not in my case. Because no matter how hard I tried to let go of the people I have loved for a long time, who became part of my life for as long as I can remember, I was not able to do it in a single snap. It took me a full year to finally let them go and move on!! It was so hard. It was unimaginable. I didn’t even think I would be able to do it!

Here’s what I did in the process on the latter months before I finally moved on:

  1. I tried focusing on myself, on the people who stayed with me despite everything. I realized that if I always think about them and how much I miss them, there’s no way I can move on from them and the things they did to me.
  2. I felt that I am the only one looking for closure, finding comfort on forgiveness and healing because they moved on long before I did. So I stopped wanting to be in “okay” terms with them.
  3. I acknowledged their presence but I pretended that they never existed in my life so that I wouldn’t miss them anymore. Idk if it sounded as bad as when I was writing this but don’t get me wrong, I know they are alive and existing. It’s just that coping with what happened is excruciatingly painful and hard for me thus the decision of erasing them in my life (because basically, that’s what they actually did to me)
  4. I started enjoying things alone that I used to enjoy with them. I mean there’s a lot of people I can still hangout with and enjoy things but I have learned to enjoy my solitude and that’s a huge help for me. I guess you have to enjoy being alone sometimes anyway.
  5. I prayed so much for healing but I also took action. I tended to myself. I acknowledged what I am feeling. When I’m sad, I don’t just shrug it off. Instead, I listen to what my emotions are telling me but I don’t sulk for too long.
  6. I stopped wondering what they’re doing. Instead, I did what I needed to do, I did what I wanted to do.

Letting go is hard but clinging on to memories and the past will be harder. It doesn’t do you any good, it only makes you miserable (and pathetic) I got tired of being pathetic so maybe one day, when you try letting go of people who are not healthy for you, you’ll realize “I don’t want to be pathetic anymore” so off you go diba? Keri?

 

Job Hunting, Adulting, Dilemmas

You know when you’re so stressed out but you have to keep fighting despite how toxic your workplace  is because the bills don’t get paid by themselves and you can’t eat whatever clothing, art materials, shoes you have so you got to suck it up and stay working miserably on that job of yours? Andon ako ngayon sa feeling na yon.

We lived a wonderfully comfortable life when I was young until my 3rd year in college. Everything went upside down when my mom, an ofw left her job and went back home (here in the Philippines) to take care of her mom (my Lola) from there, life went crazy! I was not able to enroll, I have no choice but to work just so I could do something about the situation but looking back, I didn’t even save up from that job. Basically, all I did was work and spend money. I was way too immature to save my life no? But my mom just let me be, I think she wanted me to do something aside from mourn a sem of not being able to go to school.

But that’s the start of me—valuing education even more.

After a sem, I was able to go back to school already. I instilled in my mind that when I finished studying, I will work and help my mom.

4 years after my graduation, after working from a BPO company, I landed my writing job (which I totally enjoy) and I helped my mom. I send my sister to school and all that and that’s a huge accomplishment for me already.

Fast forward to my dilemma now. After taking over the responsibility of sending my sister to school, I don’t think I still have the privilege of pushing for my passion. I need to drive myself more because this isn’t something like a happy-go-lucky scenario. I can’t leave the job I have as easy as I would want to because I need to pay for tuition fee, the bills need to get paid, I need to support my daily life, gas, food et cetera, et cetera. It’s so hard. HALP.

Wait. Let me breathe.

Okay,

Let’s proceed.

To cut the chase shorter, I no longer like what I do. I love to write but I don’t like what I’m doing here anymore. I don’t like the system, I don’t like how people get treated, I don’t like what’s happening every single day. I drag myself to work thinking that I need to work because people rely on me. Tipong wala akong karapatang magreklamo as of the moment because there are far more important things than my feelings. I hate it everyday but I drive myself further over the edge because that’s what I need to do. Walang ibang magpapaaral sa kapatid ko. Ako lang.

I don’t even think about the career anymore. I just want to work for a different company and be able to still send my sister to school.

Pero wait, ano ba talaga problema ko?

In short, I hate what I do but I can’t leave the job just yet hence the job hunting. Pero nakakaloka talaga guys. As in yung gusto mong umalis na talaga as in 101% sure ka nang aalis ka pero wala kang magawa kasi hindi pwedeng sarili mo lang iniisip mo??? Why is adulting SO HARD? Anak ng tinola, no one told us it’s going to be THIS hard. Don’t get me wrong, pero sobrang toxic na kasi talaga. I am even willing to transfer and change lanes with career just so I could leave already pero job openings are so rare these days huhuuuu.

Every night, I pray to God that may He give me an opportunity already because my sanity is at stake hahaha pero seryosooooo.

So ano ba gagawin natin? Yakap at dasal nalang muna no?

 

Last Night’s Thoughts

I talked to God last night and told him how finally, I saw things differently. I told him that he kept showing me what’s up but I kept looking for something that wasn’t there. He kept reminding me of my blessings and what I have yet I kept looking at what I lost. I wanted it all didn’t I? That’s why I wasn’t looking at what he was actually showing me.

Today, I was hit with the reality that the people who are with me right now is enough. What was lost is lost and all I could do is move forward and appreciate the ones I still have. Grabe ang blessings pala ni Lord na hindi ko masyadong pinapansin.

Last night I told him that I am acknowledging my mistake of looking past the blessings. I told Him that I was too caught up, too busy getting sad over silly things. Hay naman oo.

Thank you for all your prayers friends. Kailangan siguro talaga natin ng mga taong nagdadasal para sa atin and kailangan din tayo ng ibang tao na magdasal para sakanila.

Today, I am happy again. Yay!

Adulting at 26 So Far

With my recent ganap in life and having only a month before I turn another year older, I was once again compelled with a thought that I think, helped me feel better.

So if you are curious as to how it is being 26 or 27, here’s what I can say so far. I know it will be different for everyone but whatev.

  1. Adulting is never over, never easy and there’s no getting used to. It’s as if you’re being able to grasp things when all of a sudden, life throws you a curved ball. That’s how adulting is. Okay ka na pero biglang hindi pala. Ganon lang.
  2. You will go through several emotional and mental breakdowns but you will be okay. Every once in a while, we need to cry and stress ourselves, doubt ourselves a little so we can figure out that we are capable of being calmed under pressure, strong and efficient. Momma didn’t raise a weak ass bitch and we want to make our momma proud. Kailangan akala mo muna hindi mo kaya pero sarili mo lang din ang magpupush sayo para marealize mo na kaya mo. Kaya mo naman pala talaga.
  3. You can’t sulk over stuff way too long because trust me, THINGS. NEED. TO. GET. DONE. no matter how hurt or unstable you are, there are things that needs to get done like taking care of your dog, paying the bills, going to work etc etc. Hindi ka pwedeng maiyak iyak lang sa isang sulok dahil ang dami mo pang kailangang gawin at hindi yun magagawa kung iiyak ka lang at iintindihin ang mga problema mo sa buhay.
  4. There are a ton of things that you would have to do alone and once you have done it, you’ll love it and realize that well, you now prefer doing things alone. Heh. Hindi habang buhay may makakaladkad ka na makakasama sa errands mo at kung ano pang ganap.
  5. When you feel stuck, trust the process. You’re not stuck, you just need to be patient.

So ikaw, you can do it!