OT Diaries #1

I was aiming for a “no OT” kind of work and I’ve been pretty good at it. I mean I spend so much time at work already, I work from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening—Monday to Saturday. I spend so much of my short life at the office and as much as I can, I try to go home as quickly as possible so I can squeeze some Yoga and quality time with Kyx and my family. However, as I was creating my August calendar, I noticed how my workload just tripled! Our company has a lot of activities and I need to hustle. There are a lot of rushed things I have to do and just thinking of it stresses me out. Gahhh. So basically, my calendar is full!!! I don’t even have space for errors, revisions and chitchats! Imagine how workaholic this August is making me -___- so I have decided to work overtime.

I hated the idea of working overtime. Aside from not having enough quality time with my loved ones, I don’t get to relax and rest. But right now, thinking of actually making an effort and trying to up my game in this field is really gruelling—but for the most parts, worth it.

Since February, I hated my job. I love what I do but I feel like I don’t get the compensation I deserve. I put so much to my work that I feel like it’s not appreciated. It’s like instead of looking at the quality of my job and thinking I did great, it feels like they expect that from me and I’m not comfortable with the idea of having unappreciative people.

Then recently, I went back to my usual programming. Not a workaholic but not mediocre. I was actually almost becoming someone I don’t like when it comes to work and ethics but now I am glad to be back on track. Fuck all those who do not appreciate how much effort I put into my work. As long as I do a good job that I’m actually proud of, I wouldn’t mind putting effort in it.

I will be working overtime for most days of August and probably the most shocking thing about it is I’m not even stressed out. I feel more energized!

Hot Tears

 

Ever since I was young, my mom loved to dress me up. I’m like her real life Barbie girl because for 10 years, I’m the only girl with 3 Kuyas (elder brothers)

Growing up, I carried on with dressing myself up in a funky way. I always thought of myself as a fashionista because my mom really buys me a lot of cute clothes, shoes and stuff. I accessorize too and in short, I really am a fashionista girl back then.

Then in 2015 until today, I gained a good 23 kilos. From being 45 kilograms, I now weigh 68 kilograms!! People say I’m not FAT but in reality, my BMI dictates that I am obese. I’m actually working on it now and I lost about 2 kilos.

Since this weight issue, I stopped dressing up. I only wore what I think would hide my big arms. In short, I stopped wearing the clothes I have. Aside from the fact that it doesn’t fit me anymore, I don’t feel okay wearing my old ones. So I bought office clothes and I probably have like a 2 week set of clothes that consists of kimono, sheer blouses, polo tops. I basically look like a hip tita (aunt) and yes, I only have a very little amount of clothes and I’m not even bothered. I wouldn’t even care if people mention it to me. “you don’t have a lot of clothes no?” or “Oh you’re wearing the top you wore about 2 weeks ago right?” or  “oh that was the same top you wore on my birthday noh?” yes. I’m not bothered. People do notice and I don’t even care. Eh ano ngayon kung kaunti lang ang damit ko??

But today is a special day. I have a dinner date with Kyx at our favourite ramen place (Ippudo; particularly in Mega Fashion Hall branch—please visit that branch if you have time. The crew is amazing! The food is amazing!) and then after our date, we’ll go to our friend Angge’s art show (it’s her 2nd show and it’s going to be at NOVA Gallery Manila along Chino Roces ave., Makati City –if you’re in the area, visit it and say hi! 😀 hehe) so I wore a top that makes me feel like I look pretty. It’s nothing fancy but this top is one of those that I don’t wear a lot. However, Kyx asked me about 20 minutes ago that if I want, he can bring me clothes to wear for Angge’s show. So in short, he chose a different top for me. That top has holes in it, like it has a beaded V-neck style. The beads are wood and it has a tribal feel, there are holes along the beaded area because like I said, I don’t have a lot of clothes so I wear that top on a weekly basis which made it really used diba?

Kyx told me then that when he gets his paycheque for a project this August, he would buy me clothes. HOT TEARS SPRANG FROM MY ALREADY BULGING EYES.

Not because I have no new clothes, not because he didn’t like what I was wearing today but because I feel like Kyx feels bad for me and I am touched. I mean I don’t want to look like a victim, like a kawawa. Pero yung napapansin pala niya na ganoon but he doesn’t mention it to me kasi ayaw niya na ma-feel bad ako.

He knows that I earn only a little money. From the little money I earn, I get a portion of it so I can send my little sister to school. Aside from that, I pay my bills, buy my groceries. That’s also why I don’t prioritize buying new clothes. I don’t need new clothes anyway plus I don’t have a budget for it. Why bother?

But then, these hot tears are tears of joy. It makes me love Kyx more. He truly cares for me and accepts me for who I am. Alam mo yun, yung compassion kasi andon?

“Kaibigan”

Yung feeling na kung kailan bente-sais anyos na ako, tsaka ko lang nalaman na kahit gaano mo na katagal na kilala, gaano karami ang pinagsamahan niyo ng isang tao, hindi ito sapat na basehan para matawag mo siyang kaibigan.
Translation:

That feeling when it took me 26 years to realize that knowing someone for a long time and going through hell and back together is not enough basis to call them your friend.

Real Talk, Pep Talk

Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend and bring you down. This is an encouragement in a different light.

I want to encourage people to be as strong as they can. To look at the bright side of things, to appreciate what they have instead of feeling bad for things they can’t have at that particular time.

There are a lot of clichés in this world and to tell you honestly, these clichés may not mean a thing to you but as awful as it is, clichés are true.

Whenever you feel bad about something, when you get bothered or stressed out, when you are hurt by things, events or people who may or may not be close to your heart—you can only cry so much. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel bad but it’s not okay to feel bad for a long time. You have to make sure that you shrug it off your shoulders as soon as you can and this isn’t because you want to prove the world that you are strong and brave. You have to do it because in this world of cruelty, you have to see the greatness. The light. The amazing things. You have to be okay sooner than you think you should because life is short to sulk, too short to hate, too short to cry, too short to be angry!

We don’t have the luxury to live as if we can live forever. Life ends and we know it. We should always treasure life in a sense that we choose to see great things instead of the bad ones. We need to choose happiness instead of loneliness and we need to stay positive.

You see, the problem with people these days is that they feel like they’re so privileged and entitled to a lot of things. Like we think we deserve a lot of good things and cry when bad things happen. We fail to realize that most of the time; it isn’t about our feelings and ourselves. There are greater things in this world and when things do not happen as planned, when you get hurt, when you stay nice but receive rudeness, its’ the universe’s way of reminding you that you are not entitled. No one ever is.

You are not entitled to anything no matter how good of a person you are, no matter how nice you’ve been. The world will keep its pace and spin, the sun will continue to rise and set, night will come as days would and life goes fucking on no matter how badly you feel.

The universe can fck itself and the world will not crumble when you crumble. It doesn’t fucking care about how you feel. Life is like that, you don’t get to have the luxury of feeling so helpless because the only one that will suffer from repercussions of “being so helpless” is you and you alone.

Instead of wallowing on your pain, disappointments and frustrations, you have to stay strong. You have to accept that things happen as it happens and there’s so little you can do to turn it around. Instead, welcome these bad things and stay okay. Every shit that happens to you, could happen to anyone else. It’s not like you are cursed or something.

Get by, move on, move forward, let it go cause life goes on.

It Has Been 12 Days Since I was Torn Apart

 

I still think about it at random times but no I don’t cry anymore. I still think about what happened, I still think that had I did a different thing, had I said the different words, could this have happened? Well maybe this wouldn’t have been the case but either way, I was meant to be torn apart on the day after my 26th birthday; Manila time (and still the 7th of April to most of you across the world, so technically it could still have been my 26th birthday by the time I was being torn out, stripped off, shamed)

Remember when I told you guys that I was actually excited? That this was the first birthday I have ever looked forward to? Remember when I wasn’t afraid of my birthday and instead, I was even happy that I am given another chance to turn things around in my life? Then all of a sudden, it was the cherry on top! To be harassed, kicked out, torn down, shamed, stripped naked, ripped off. If I could paint how it felt, I would. Maybe this calls for a painting or a drawing? I shall paint it (or let Kyx do it because he’s better lol)

Now, it has been 12 days since that fateful day. I would replay it and rewind over my head but no, don’t worry cause I am not thinking of suicide even if maybe I have all the right to do so. Lol. But no. Because how many times should I say this—it was one of the best gifts ever. Imagine starting a new year (cheers for my birthday) without having to deal with drama, without continuing bad stuff—because if this didn’t happen, would I be a better person? At least I really did have a chance to make myself a better person, to call out the better version of myself.

I forgot to say but this randomly popped in my head: when I was saying sorry over the group chat, owning up to my mistakes, I didn’t bother finding proof to protect myself, I didn’t bother to look for screenshots other people said about other people because I feel like oh yes, this is all on me. I was to be blamed for my severely mean approach on back biting but then I realized I was being blamed for everyone’s mistakes! Imagine me saying sorry and owning up to my mistakes—being called a “best actress” looking for sympathy? Again, I am not one to act like the victim. My ex friends think that they were the only ones hurt, they didn’t even bother being the better versions of themselves that instead of talking to me, they attacked head on without even giving me the chance to speak. It was all played and planned out.

So how am I holding up now? Grateful. Still, it aches but it doesn’t make me sad anymore. Not so much. Because I continue to learn about myself, learn from the mistakes and go on with my life with the few that’s left to like me for being me.

Now, I also control my emotions. I don’t easily react on things and I don’t rant about other people to other people. I try to be as calm and composed as I am, as adult as I could.

March 2, 2017: I Woke Up Not Feeling It

Before we all get worked up, this isn’t about my love life. LOL. As usual, my relationship with Kyx is very healthy and though we may have some arguments from time to time, nothing really changes between us except that we love each other more.

Anyhoo, I woke up today not feeling it—not feeling like I want what I am doing. That I’m sculpted for this. Okay, so to give you a better understanding. I woke up early, did an ab interval exercise (which made my head ached for about 5 mins after the routine lol) then took a bath, got myself fixed up for work, prepared my lunch, ate breakfast and Kyx drove me to the office. While I was inside the elevator, I got to thinking that I’ve been riding the same elevator for a year now. It’s so monotonous. Then the moment I arrived at my work station, I got to see my desk filled with post its, magazines, a calendar and a lot more. I mean it is so monotonous that it’s rather lonely than boring if anything. Though I like being monotonous originally, I feel like I am getting so burned out already because I keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over again.

I work as a Copywriter in a company. I’m not under an agency which means I am an in-house Copywriter. I write articles about our healthcare products such as an array of supplements and stuff like that. I also write the content they put on our website. I write the PR that gets published in the newspaper and magazine. I write articles that get disseminated to different bloggers for them to post on their blogs. I don’t get any credit for it and somehow I’m okay with that. I love writing, I really do. But right now it’s getting old for me. Like all the articles I’ve been writing. I cringe every time I go to work and check my To-do list and then start writing again. My work is writing, my passion and hobby is writing. I’m supposed to really love love my work right? But what is this feeling? I’m not feeling it. I’m not feeling good about work and myself and what I do.

You see, I’m wondering, is this what I really want to do? Would I get old doing this and staying in one place for as long as I live? Will I even get any better than this? A lot to think about and a lot to feel towards this matter.

I guess the only good thing I can tell you about this dilemma is that: I may be almost 26 years old but I still have this dilemma trying to figure things out. I guess everyone is just as lost as I am at some point in time so if you feel lost and confused right now, I’ll give you a virtual pat in the back saying “hush hush my friend, I feel you” cause you know, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. 😉

Xox,T.

Pieces of Advice for a more Positive Day

I’ve recently been stressed out. Ate a lot of chocolates and indulged on Potato chips. Here I am fighting off high blood sugar and I’m dreading what may happen if my blood sugar continues to shoot up, not to mention my cholesterol level at 25 years old. *sigh* Anyway, I’m here to impart something with you guys.

I think everyone realizes this anyway at some point in time but let me just get it out there. I finally understood that everyday may seem to be a struggle but every waking day is a survival game, survival of the fittest. You can’t always let yourself sink and struggle for far too long because the world will turn, day will arrive as well as night, it will rain it will shine. People live and die and what’s going to happen will happen whether you are happy or sad. That’s just how life goes and that’s what makes it both exciting and terrifying. So I feel like aside from all the amazing things life has to offer, I must put in mind (and you do too) that…

  • Every day is a test of faith. I don’t wanna make it sound as if it’s like a win or lose thing, like it’s some kind of examination that you may either pass or fail but I think your faith gets tested from time to time to make you a stronger person. It’s not always in a religious sense, as it also could mean faith on people, on things, on yourself, on your expectations and goals. It’s a test of how much you could make or break yourself in the process. It’s not something to put you down but to lift you a notch higher than your self yesterday.
  • Every day is a test of stronger ties as well. A little similar to faith, only that it pertains to people around you. Your family, friends, loved ones and everyone that helps you get through a tough day and helps you feel like winning in life on every celebration and success. Every day we lose people we love or dear to us not only in the sense of mortality but in the aspect of how close we are both physically, emotionally and mentally. Unfortunately (and may also be fortunately) some people are not meant to be part of our lives anymore, they need to leave us so that new ones can come in and for us to treasure more those who stayed. Every day we meet new people, every day we decide whether we want people to stay in our lives, we decide whether we want to stay in other people’s lives.
  • Every day is a test of self-reliance, confidence, wisdom and knowledge. Every day is a learning experience and at the end of every freaking dark tunnel is a light to self-discovery. Always remember that yes, people are there for you to support you, guide you and be there for you whether you need someone or not but it’s only you alone who can help yourself. You can’t be helped by people if you don’t know how to help yourself, you can’t learn new things if you don’t believe that you can acquire more knowledge. It always starts with yourself first before any other stuff comes in.

So every day is a struggle and a celebration. Every day is a test of faith, stronger ties, self-discovery, knowledge and learning experience. Always choose to move forward and think brightly about things. You may win or lose, but it’s all part of life. Everything that’s happening to you right now is part of how you will be shaped for the future ahead of you. Cheers!

Xox, T.