Realizations Yet Again

One of the many good things I have learned through the course of brokenness, losing people and heartache is that, I’m actually done with bullshit. Yes, I’m done with my own bullshit, I’m done with other people’s bullshit. I’m basically just here to spend a good amount of time to enjoy life and appreciate all the good and bad things it has to offer.

I’m done wanting long messages from people. I no longer require a litany of comforting words. I’m long past the promises of “I’ll be there for you no matter what” because like I’ve said soooo many times before, this is the “no matter what” but where are they anyway?

 I’ve appreciated and I’ve seen sincerity in short sentences. I no longer find the need for grandiosity. A simple yet sincere “thank you” is more than enough for me to know that my worth is so much more than I have given myself credit for.

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Positivity!

Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.

  1. After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
  2. I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)

Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”


                As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.

  1. I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.

Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.

Ayan na si Kyx 😂


Paepal lang 😂

Yung pinagpeprepare pa ako ni mama ng baon ☺️

Mama and Aila 😘

Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!

Drama Rama

Lately, I have been so stressed out. I keep thinking about how my life is turning out, how things are always a problem, how everything is just making me suffer.

(Tagalog Post)

Medyo mababaw lang ang pinagumpisahan nito hanggang sa pabigat na ng pabigat ang mga naiisip ko. Minsan pumapasok pa rin sa isip ko yung ano kaya kung mamatay nalang ako kasi nakakapagod na. *naiiyak nanaman ako habang sinusulat ko ‘to* hayyy buhayyy, masyado akong emosyonal.

Bihira akong bumili ng para sa akin, madalas libro lang talaga ang ginagastusan ko. Nagkakasya lang ako lagi sa iisang sapatos hanggang sa masira koi to bago ako bumili ng panibago. Yung mga damit ko, paulit ulit lang din, siguro may mga 2 weeks worth of office clothes lang ako pero hindi naman yun ang pinuputok ng butche ko. Sa sobrang stressed out ko siguro, gusto kong magshopping. Tamang tama, sasahod na ulit tapos bayad na lahat ng kailangan bayaran na mga bills! Habang chinecheck out ko ang reviews ni Kat sa mga skin care product, yun yung naisip kong bilhin! Dual purpose din kasi, pansamantalang matatanggal stress ko tapos magagamit ko pa sa balat kong namumutakte na ng tigyawat sa sobrang stressed. Pumunta na ako dun sa website na sinabi ni Kat, konti lang yung productong bibilhin ko, yung mga talagang kailangan ko lang sa muka ko na malapit na mawalan ng pag-asa hahaha so nung ichecheck out ko na, mga 1700php na siya, pinigilan ko sarili ko. Naalala ko na may tuition fee akong babayaran. Sabi ko sige next time nalang.

Hindi ako nag-OT, kasi gusto ko makasama mama ko eh. Kaya pagka-out umuwi na ako kaagad, mga bandang 8pm nasa bahay na ako. Tapos yung kapatid ko 8:30pm na nakauwi. Naglugaw daw sila ng pamangkin naming (kasing edad niya yun anak ng kuya ko, wag na natin idiscuss hahah) araw araw late yan umuuwi, hindi na alam kung paano pang pagsasabihan dahil talagang matigas ang ulo eh.

Nalulungkot lang ako kasi lahat ng paghihirap ko, iyan ang nakikita ko. Nakakawalan ng gana. Naghihirap ako para sa wala, ganon yung pakiramdam ko. Hindi naman niya kasalanan na hindi siya binibigyan ng ama niya ng pang-tuition, wala naman akong magagawa doon. Si mama naman, buong buhay niya siya lang sumuporta samin, binigyan kami ng magandang buhay, pinagtapos sa magagandang paaralan, kaya ito nalang yung maisusukli ko, ang patigilin siya sa pagtatrabaho para hindi na siya magkasakit. Matanda na mama ko, 54 na yata siya o mag-54 na siya sa October. May mga nararamdaman na din siya na masakit kaya hindi na pwedeng magwork ng magwork pa. Para lang maibsan na yung stress niya at makapagpahinga naman siya, ako nalang nagpaaral sa kapatid ko. Kaya lang ang sakit sa dibdib na yung kapatid ko naman, hindi niya pinapahalagahan yung ibinibigay sakanyang pribilehiyo.

Okay ang grades niya sige, pero yung tigas ng ulo, attitude at pagpapahalaga sa mga taong nagmamahal sakanya, ang hirap.

Sa isip isip ko, pera lang naman yan, mabibili ko rin naman mga gusto ko in time, mabuti nga at wala pa akong anak, hindi rin ako makapag anak anak dahil siya ang inuuna ko sa lahat ng bagay, kaya lang masakit talaga sa dibdib na ganyan pa. Pinapasakit pa ulo ni mama. Siguro iisipin ng iba nagseself pity ako hahahahahahahahahataenanyohahaha joke. Pero kasi, kung mabait bait siguro tong kapatid ko, bale wala sakin lahat ng paghihirap ko eh.

Kagabi naiiyak na talaga ako, pero hindi ako makaiyak. Never umiyak o nagsabi ng ganito ang mama ko sakin kahit nahihirapan na siya, biruin niyo 4 kami na pinagaaral ni mama noon, 2 college, 1 high school,  grade school pero wala akong narinig na sinabi niyang hirap na hirap na siya.

Nung hindi ko na mapigilan ang iyak ko, natulog na ako agad kasi baka matuluyan pa ang pagdadrama ko.

Pag gising ko, okay na ako! HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAH

Nagdadasal nalang ako na sana, bigyan pa ako ng lakas ng diyos. Bigyan pa ako ng emotional strength at patatagin pa ang tiwala ko Sa Kanya.

Hanggang sa susunod na drama rama!

Xox, Thea

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I don’t even know if it’s okay to divulge what I truly feel in here hahaha. Pero ayun na nga, ayoko na sa work ko. 😥

I like what I do, I get to write every day, I see my work on print, I see my work on social media. I’m satisfied. Ganern.

But when it comes to the company benefits, annual increase and everything for employee’s welfare, bagsak kulang sira sabog nakakainis kawawa nakakaiyak.

My salary is okay, I can live with it. Hindi naman ako maluho and I’d like to think that I’m so good with budgeting everything so my number 1 concern isn’t even my career progress, growth and promotion. My concern is how will I get a health card for my mom. In this company, we have an HMO but we can’t have dependents kaya napapaisip na ako. I want to let this job go and explore other options but I can’t seem to find anything. It’s so hard to find a new job pala talaga jusme!!!

Iniisip ko bumalik nalang kaya ako sa BPO? I was once a call center agent at Telus, I loved it there. CompenBen are amazing, they love their employees and treat them as human beings but vacation leaves don’t get to be approved easily, the shifting schedules are crazy and I wanted to be a career woman back then. Ngayon parang okay na akong hindi career woman basta may HMO lang sana yung mama ko diba.

Life ang hirap mo naman.

Alis na ba ako dito? Pano ba to? Hahah!

Pinagpapasa-Diyos ko nalang muna sa ngayon hahahah huhuhuhu

What Adulting Taught Me (so far)

  1. Your True Friends Can Only Be Counted in One Hand. You’re lucky if you has as much as 10.
  • I did have a lot of friends before I turned 26. I have a handful and I can’t even count them. I am trusting and I feel like everyone is my friend. I consider everyone as my friend and that’s one of the biggest mistakes I have ever done in my entire existence. We can have acquaintances, colleagues, hi-hello friends, hangout friends but the trustworthy ones, those who will stand by you no matter how undeserving you are, those who will be by your side no matter what are hard to find. You will meet a lot of people but the ones you can actually depend on, the friends who will be there when shit goes down, they aren’t too many. Treasure them and love them.

  1. Forgiving is Easier Than Hating
  • This isn’t one of the “easier said than done” because in reality, forgiving someone is easier than focusing on hating them. When you forgive them, you allow yourself to heal. To get away from the hate that will eat you alive. Hating use so much energy. You don’t want to waste your energy on people who don’t deserve it right? Mga besh, mahirap siguro magpatawad pero once na nakapagdecide ka na papatawarin mo na sila, mas makakamove on ka. Mas mahirap yung galit ka tapos sila nakamove on na. O baka ako lang yung may ganitong idea at pa-epek?

  1. The only person who will stick with you no matter what, the only one who you can depend on 24/7 is no other than YOURSELF.
  • Sure you have your family, friends, loved ones, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. Sure they will be there for you no matter what, they will cross the oceans for you, move mountains, face problems etc but day in and day out? From complicated stuff to simple decision making, you don’t have anyone else but yourself. I don’t mean to sound too depressive or something but this is true. Hindi sa lahat ng oras nandiyan ang mga taong handing sumuporta at umalalay sayo. Nandiyan sila oo, hindi ka nila iiwan pero sino ba yung forever na kasama mo hanggang sa mamatay ka? Which is why it is important to take good care of yourself– physically, emotionally and mentally. Kasi diba? Kahit wag na sa mga complicated na bagay eh. Sino ba naghuhugas ng pwet mo? Ibang tao ba? Sino nagpapakain sayo, sino nagsusubo ng kutsara sa bibig mo? Literal na no pero gets mo yung point ko? Tsaka eto, kagaya nalang ng pag-cocommute ko papuntang Sofitel bukas. Wala akong maaasahan sa ibang tao not because they are not willing to help me, pero may mga bagay na hindi kasi pwede sa ngayon. 1. Si tatay coding ang sasakyan. 2. Si Azul nasa casa. 3. Hindi ako mahahatid ni kuya gawa ng nasa casa din si Bruno tapos si Scarlet gagamitin nila ng maaga bukas. DIBA? So paano ako? Kailangan ma-suportahan ko sarili ko haha. Simpleng bagay lang yan pero dibaaaa.

  1. The Bills Ain’t Gon’ Pay Themselves
  • No matter how much I want to travel the world do and buy unnecessary things, the bills ain’t gonna pay themselves. At the age of 25 I have to send my sister to school because my mom is getting older and the BPO industry is definitely not for her at the age of almost 54. After working in UAE for 10 years, my mom deserves a break and the least I can do is to send my younger sister to school para kahit papaano naman, makabawas sa burden ng mama ko. So I need to work hard and pay the bills, hindi ako pwedeng patravel travel lang o pa-shopping shopping.

  1. Social Media Is More of a “Break” than “Make”
  • For me, too much social media is toxic. I have nothing against people who wants their instagram accounts to be aesthetically pleasing #feedGoals but if you’re only posting stuff and “doing it for the gram” I don’t think it’s healthy. I’ve been through that. I wanted to travel so that I can take photos and post it on my social media accounts and garner so many likes but I realized that it wasn’t healthy anymore especially when I started growing envious of other people’s life looking through their social media accounts. I decided to lay low, I even deactivated my Facebook account and created a different one wherein I would filter my friends. I also stopped wanting an aesthetically pleasing instagram feed. Here on my blog, I wrote truthfully and wholeheartedly. No BS whatsoever. Social Media (especially instagram) is not for me.

  1. Choose Your Battles
  • I was once someone who wanted to get my point across. I always wanted to justify myself and my actions because I want people to understand why I did such a thing or why I said something. I want everyone to know my cause and I realized that it’s not healthy. It drains me mentally and emotionally. It’s annoying! I always end up on the loose end of the rope and I don’t feel any better when people understood my point or what I was trying to say or do. It doesn’t do me any good so why the hell do I bother. I learned to choose my battles. Not everything needs my energy and emotions. I don’t need to have my point across. I learned to know what’s worth it and what wasn’t.

What’s fun in adulting is realizing a lot of things and wishing you knew it before lol.

OT Diaries #1

I was aiming for a “no OT” kind of work and I’ve been pretty good at it. I mean I spend so much time at work already, I work from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening—Monday to Saturday. I spend so much of my short life at the office and as much as I can, I try to go home as quickly as possible so I can squeeze some Yoga and quality time with Kyx and my family. However, as I was creating my August calendar, I noticed how my workload just tripled! Our company has a lot of activities and I need to hustle. There are a lot of rushed things I have to do and just thinking of it stresses me out. Gahhh. So basically, my calendar is full!!! I don’t even have space for errors, revisions and chitchats! Imagine how workaholic this August is making me -___- so I have decided to work overtime.

I hated the idea of working overtime. Aside from not having enough quality time with my loved ones, I don’t get to relax and rest. But right now, thinking of actually making an effort and trying to up my game in this field is really gruelling—but for the most parts, worth it.

Since February, I hated my job. I love what I do but I feel like I don’t get the compensation I deserve. I put so much to my work that I feel like it’s not appreciated. It’s like instead of looking at the quality of my job and thinking I did great, it feels like they expect that from me and I’m not comfortable with the idea of having unappreciative people.

Then recently, I went back to my usual programming. Not a workaholic but not mediocre. I was actually almost becoming someone I don’t like when it comes to work and ethics but now I am glad to be back on track. Fuck all those who do not appreciate how much effort I put into my work. As long as I do a good job that I’m actually proud of, I wouldn’t mind putting effort in it.

I will be working overtime for most days of August and probably the most shocking thing about it is I’m not even stressed out. I feel more energized!

Hot Tears

 

Ever since I was young, my mom loved to dress me up. I’m like her real life Barbie girl because for 10 years, I’m the only girl with 3 Kuyas (elder brothers)

Growing up, I carried on with dressing myself up in a funky way. I always thought of myself as a fashionista because my mom really buys me a lot of cute clothes, shoes and stuff. I accessorize too and in short, I really am a fashionista girl back then.

Then in 2015 until today, I gained a good 23 kilos. From being 45 kilograms, I now weigh 68 kilograms!! People say I’m not FAT but in reality, my BMI dictates that I am obese. I’m actually working on it now and I lost about 2 kilos.

Since this weight issue, I stopped dressing up. I only wore what I think would hide my big arms. In short, I stopped wearing the clothes I have. Aside from the fact that it doesn’t fit me anymore, I don’t feel okay wearing my old ones. So I bought office clothes and I probably have like a 2 week set of clothes that consists of kimono, sheer blouses, polo tops. I basically look like a hip tita (aunt) and yes, I only have a very little amount of clothes and I’m not even bothered. I wouldn’t even care if people mention it to me. “you don’t have a lot of clothes no?” or “Oh you’re wearing the top you wore about 2 weeks ago right?” or  “oh that was the same top you wore on my birthday noh?” yes. I’m not bothered. People do notice and I don’t even care. Eh ano ngayon kung kaunti lang ang damit ko??

But today is a special day. I have a dinner date with Kyx at our favourite ramen place (Ippudo; particularly in Mega Fashion Hall branch—please visit that branch if you have time. The crew is amazing! The food is amazing!) and then after our date, we’ll go to our friend Angge’s art show (it’s her 2nd show and it’s going to be at NOVA Gallery Manila along Chino Roces ave., Makati City –if you’re in the area, visit it and say hi! 😀 hehe) so I wore a top that makes me feel like I look pretty. It’s nothing fancy but this top is one of those that I don’t wear a lot. However, Kyx asked me about 20 minutes ago that if I want, he can bring me clothes to wear for Angge’s show. So in short, he chose a different top for me. That top has holes in it, like it has a beaded V-neck style. The beads are wood and it has a tribal feel, there are holes along the beaded area because like I said, I don’t have a lot of clothes so I wear that top on a weekly basis which made it really used diba?

Kyx told me then that when he gets his paycheque for a project this August, he would buy me clothes. HOT TEARS SPRANG FROM MY ALREADY BULGING EYES.

Not because I have no new clothes, not because he didn’t like what I was wearing today but because I feel like Kyx feels bad for me and I am touched. I mean I don’t want to look like a victim, like a kawawa. Pero yung napapansin pala niya na ganoon but he doesn’t mention it to me kasi ayaw niya na ma-feel bad ako.

He knows that I earn only a little money. From the little money I earn, I get a portion of it so I can send my little sister to school. Aside from that, I pay my bills, buy my groceries. That’s also why I don’t prioritize buying new clothes. I don’t need new clothes anyway plus I don’t have a budget for it. Why bother?

But then, these hot tears are tears of joy. It makes me love Kyx more. He truly cares for me and accepts me for who I am. Alam mo yun, yung compassion kasi andon?