Hello!

There are a lot of things going on in my life lately that I didn’t even have a chance to greet everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Or maybe, ayoko kasing magpabebe na bumati pero hindi naman ako festive talaga tapos napipilitan lang. Kaya hindi nalang din.

I realized that on Christmas Day and on the first day of 2018, I was crying my eyes out. What a way to celebrate right? Soooo emotional. Anyway, I hope that you guys enjoyed the holidays spent with family and friends. ❤

I am trying so hard to write about everything that’s been happening but I just can’t bring myself to finish whatever blog post I started and it’s so frustrating. I guess, I’m on a writing slump or there’s just a lot going on that I can’t help but feel so shitty.

**tagalog incoming**

Over the past months kasi ang daming ganap diba, ang daming hanash ng mundo tapos kailangan ko lang mag-keep up kasi hindi naman talaga titigil ang mundo sa pag-ikot dahil sa kalungkutan ko at mga kung ano anong nararamdaman. Hindi maganda yung family set-up namin kasi may mga hindi magandang nasabi na hindi mo maintindihan bakit nasabi. Basta ang sakin lang, kapag ganyan ang isang anak sa magulang, kailangan niya sigurong mag-isip isip. Mag-reflect at magpakumbaba. Tapos sa side naman  ng papa ko diba namatayan kami so ano ba diba, sobrang nakakalungkot yon. Ni hindi naman ako makauwi kasi walang bakasyon bakasyon dito sa office namin tapos death anniversary ng kapatid ng mama ko nung nag-Baguio kami. Sa likod ng masasayang larawan, nakalakip doon yung mga lungkot na dinadala namin. Hindi naman ako nagpapanggap na masaya, gusto ko lang klaruhin na hindi lahat ng mga nakikita nating nakapost sa social media ay bunga ng pagpapasarap sa buhay. May mga storya sa likod nito na nakakadurog ng puso. Sobra kong frustrated talaga kasi ilang pasko na ba kami ganito diba? Lagi nalang. Tuwing magmomove on kami, madadagdagan ng kalechehan.

Nung bisperas ng bagong taon, nagdinner kami sa bahay ng tita namin at dun na rin naming sinalubong ang bagong taon ng maraming pagkain at wine. NKKLK.

Bagong Taon naman ay reunion sa side ng lola ko. Masaya lagi doon kahit simple lang. Favorite ko ang January 1 dahil nakakasama ko ang pamilya namin sa side ng lola ko.

Masaya na malungkot. Masaya kasi ang dami daming bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat, pero nakakalungkot dahil may mga pangyayari na hindi mo talaga maiiwasan. Nasaktuhan lang na wrong timing.

Kaya ayan ngayon. Hindi ako masyado nagkakakausap ng mga tao, hindi ako masyadong nakikipagkwentuhan kasi lalabas lang yung lungkot ko, makakahawa lang ako ng ka-negahan. Tapos may mga bagay din na hindi ko naman alam paano pa sasabihin at ikukwento kasi yung ganitong mga bagay, kailangan ko lang talagang tanggapin eh. Walang formula, walang kailangang opinyon kung papaano ko makakayanan to kasi ako lang din mismo ang makaka-solve nito sa sarili ko. Sad. Hahahah.

Kaya pasensya na kung hindi ako masyadong nagrereply o hindi ako masyadong nakikipagusap. Ganon lang talaga ako. Coping mechanism ko siguro ang mapagisa kung minsan.

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“The Only Difference Between Your Opinion and Pizza is that I Actually Asked for Pizza”

How many times did we let other people’s unsolicited advice get on our nerves? How many times did we let it slip and slide because, well, we don’t like offending other people.


But you know what, if someone does something you don’t like, something rude or uncalled for, tell them off instantly. Of course, be respectful but be frim and truthful.

Just like yesterday, someone commented that I eat too little rice and another one chimed that maybe because I was on a diet. They’re talking about me on the 3rd person perspective as If I wasn’t there, they weren’t my close friends but they’re not doing it to bash me. They’re just thinking out loud and I understand that. However, you can’t go commenting about other people especially if their opinion is not being asked for. I wasn’t entirely THAT offended because it was true! I don’t eat a lot of rice because I am trying my best to live a healthy lifestyle no matter how hard it is and I don’t need people commenting about it especially that we are not even close. I laughed but I said in all honesty “someone asked your opinion?” I was smiling and they were laughing like it was a joke. But I said it because that’s the truth! I didn’t ask what they think, I didn’t ask for their opinions. Totoo naman eh, eh sa hindi ko naman talaga hinihingi ang mga opinyon nila eh?

And that my friends is how I was still perceived as the masungit, speaking her mind biatch.

I don’t care because as far as I am concerned, I am done taking crap from other people.

Realizations Yet Again

One of the many good things I have learned through the course of brokenness, losing people and heartache is that, I’m actually done with bullshit. Yes, I’m done with my own bullshit, I’m done with other people’s bullshit. I’m basically just here to spend a good amount of time to enjoy life and appreciate all the good and bad things it has to offer.

I’m done wanting long messages from people. I no longer require a litany of comforting words. I’m long past the promises of “I’ll be there for you no matter what” because like I’ve said soooo many times before, this is the “no matter what” but where are they anyway?

 I’ve appreciated and I’ve seen sincerity in short sentences. I no longer find the need for grandiosity. A simple yet sincere “thank you” is more than enough for me to know that my worth is so much more than I have given myself credit for.

Positivity!

Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.

  1. After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
  2. I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)

Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”


                As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.

  1. I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.

Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.

Ayan na si Kyx 😂


Paepal lang 😂

Yung pinagpeprepare pa ako ni mama ng baon ☺️

Mama and Aila 😘

Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!

Drama Rama

Lately, I have been so stressed out. I keep thinking about how my life is turning out, how things are always a problem, how everything is just making me suffer.

(Tagalog Post)

Medyo mababaw lang ang pinagumpisahan nito hanggang sa pabigat na ng pabigat ang mga naiisip ko. Minsan pumapasok pa rin sa isip ko yung ano kaya kung mamatay nalang ako kasi nakakapagod na. *naiiyak nanaman ako habang sinusulat ko ‘to* hayyy buhayyy, masyado akong emosyonal.

Bihira akong bumili ng para sa akin, madalas libro lang talaga ang ginagastusan ko. Nagkakasya lang ako lagi sa iisang sapatos hanggang sa masira koi to bago ako bumili ng panibago. Yung mga damit ko, paulit ulit lang din, siguro may mga 2 weeks worth of office clothes lang ako pero hindi naman yun ang pinuputok ng butche ko. Sa sobrang stressed out ko siguro, gusto kong magshopping. Tamang tama, sasahod na ulit tapos bayad na lahat ng kailangan bayaran na mga bills! Habang chinecheck out ko ang reviews ni Kat sa mga skin care product, yun yung naisip kong bilhin! Dual purpose din kasi, pansamantalang matatanggal stress ko tapos magagamit ko pa sa balat kong namumutakte na ng tigyawat sa sobrang stressed. Pumunta na ako dun sa website na sinabi ni Kat, konti lang yung productong bibilhin ko, yung mga talagang kailangan ko lang sa muka ko na malapit na mawalan ng pag-asa hahaha so nung ichecheck out ko na, mga 1700php na siya, pinigilan ko sarili ko. Naalala ko na may tuition fee akong babayaran. Sabi ko sige next time nalang.

Hindi ako nag-OT, kasi gusto ko makasama mama ko eh. Kaya pagka-out umuwi na ako kaagad, mga bandang 8pm nasa bahay na ako. Tapos yung kapatid ko 8:30pm na nakauwi. Naglugaw daw sila ng pamangkin naming (kasing edad niya yun anak ng kuya ko, wag na natin idiscuss hahah) araw araw late yan umuuwi, hindi na alam kung paano pang pagsasabihan dahil talagang matigas ang ulo eh.

Nalulungkot lang ako kasi lahat ng paghihirap ko, iyan ang nakikita ko. Nakakawalan ng gana. Naghihirap ako para sa wala, ganon yung pakiramdam ko. Hindi naman niya kasalanan na hindi siya binibigyan ng ama niya ng pang-tuition, wala naman akong magagawa doon. Si mama naman, buong buhay niya siya lang sumuporta samin, binigyan kami ng magandang buhay, pinagtapos sa magagandang paaralan, kaya ito nalang yung maisusukli ko, ang patigilin siya sa pagtatrabaho para hindi na siya magkasakit. Matanda na mama ko, 54 na yata siya o mag-54 na siya sa October. May mga nararamdaman na din siya na masakit kaya hindi na pwedeng magwork ng magwork pa. Para lang maibsan na yung stress niya at makapagpahinga naman siya, ako nalang nagpaaral sa kapatid ko. Kaya lang ang sakit sa dibdib na yung kapatid ko naman, hindi niya pinapahalagahan yung ibinibigay sakanyang pribilehiyo.

Okay ang grades niya sige, pero yung tigas ng ulo, attitude at pagpapahalaga sa mga taong nagmamahal sakanya, ang hirap.

Sa isip isip ko, pera lang naman yan, mabibili ko rin naman mga gusto ko in time, mabuti nga at wala pa akong anak, hindi rin ako makapag anak anak dahil siya ang inuuna ko sa lahat ng bagay, kaya lang masakit talaga sa dibdib na ganyan pa. Pinapasakit pa ulo ni mama. Siguro iisipin ng iba nagseself pity ako hahahahahahahahahataenanyohahaha joke. Pero kasi, kung mabait bait siguro tong kapatid ko, bale wala sakin lahat ng paghihirap ko eh.

Kagabi naiiyak na talaga ako, pero hindi ako makaiyak. Never umiyak o nagsabi ng ganito ang mama ko sakin kahit nahihirapan na siya, biruin niyo 4 kami na pinagaaral ni mama noon, 2 college, 1 high school,  grade school pero wala akong narinig na sinabi niyang hirap na hirap na siya.

Nung hindi ko na mapigilan ang iyak ko, natulog na ako agad kasi baka matuluyan pa ang pagdadrama ko.

Pag gising ko, okay na ako! HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAH

Nagdadasal nalang ako na sana, bigyan pa ako ng lakas ng diyos. Bigyan pa ako ng emotional strength at patatagin pa ang tiwala ko Sa Kanya.

Hanggang sa susunod na drama rama!

Xox, Thea

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I don’t even know if it’s okay to divulge what I truly feel in here hahaha. Pero ayun na nga, ayoko na sa work ko. 😥

I like what I do, I get to write every day, I see my work on print, I see my work on social media. I’m satisfied. Ganern.

But when it comes to the company benefits, annual increase and everything for employee’s welfare, bagsak kulang sira sabog nakakainis kawawa nakakaiyak.

My salary is okay, I can live with it. Hindi naman ako maluho and I’d like to think that I’m so good with budgeting everything so my number 1 concern isn’t even my career progress, growth and promotion. My concern is how will I get a health card for my mom. In this company, we have an HMO but we can’t have dependents kaya napapaisip na ako. I want to let this job go and explore other options but I can’t seem to find anything. It’s so hard to find a new job pala talaga jusme!!!

Iniisip ko bumalik nalang kaya ako sa BPO? I was once a call center agent at Telus, I loved it there. CompenBen are amazing, they love their employees and treat them as human beings but vacation leaves don’t get to be approved easily, the shifting schedules are crazy and I wanted to be a career woman back then. Ngayon parang okay na akong hindi career woman basta may HMO lang sana yung mama ko diba.

Life ang hirap mo naman.

Alis na ba ako dito? Pano ba to? Hahah!

Pinagpapasa-Diyos ko nalang muna sa ngayon hahahah huhuhuhu

What Adulting Taught Me (so far)

  1. Your True Friends Can Only Be Counted in One Hand. You’re lucky if you has as much as 10.
  • I did have a lot of friends before I turned 26. I have a handful and I can’t even count them. I am trusting and I feel like everyone is my friend. I consider everyone as my friend and that’s one of the biggest mistakes I have ever done in my entire existence. We can have acquaintances, colleagues, hi-hello friends, hangout friends but the trustworthy ones, those who will stand by you no matter how undeserving you are, those who will be by your side no matter what are hard to find. You will meet a lot of people but the ones you can actually depend on, the friends who will be there when shit goes down, they aren’t too many. Treasure them and love them.

  1. Forgiving is Easier Than Hating
  • This isn’t one of the “easier said than done” because in reality, forgiving someone is easier than focusing on hating them. When you forgive them, you allow yourself to heal. To get away from the hate that will eat you alive. Hating use so much energy. You don’t want to waste your energy on people who don’t deserve it right? Mga besh, mahirap siguro magpatawad pero once na nakapagdecide ka na papatawarin mo na sila, mas makakamove on ka. Mas mahirap yung galit ka tapos sila nakamove on na. O baka ako lang yung may ganitong idea at pa-epek?

  1. The only person who will stick with you no matter what, the only one who you can depend on 24/7 is no other than YOURSELF.
  • Sure you have your family, friends, loved ones, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. Sure they will be there for you no matter what, they will cross the oceans for you, move mountains, face problems etc but day in and day out? From complicated stuff to simple decision making, you don’t have anyone else but yourself. I don’t mean to sound too depressive or something but this is true. Hindi sa lahat ng oras nandiyan ang mga taong handing sumuporta at umalalay sayo. Nandiyan sila oo, hindi ka nila iiwan pero sino ba yung forever na kasama mo hanggang sa mamatay ka? Which is why it is important to take good care of yourself– physically, emotionally and mentally. Kasi diba? Kahit wag na sa mga complicated na bagay eh. Sino ba naghuhugas ng pwet mo? Ibang tao ba? Sino nagpapakain sayo, sino nagsusubo ng kutsara sa bibig mo? Literal na no pero gets mo yung point ko? Tsaka eto, kagaya nalang ng pag-cocommute ko papuntang Sofitel bukas. Wala akong maaasahan sa ibang tao not because they are not willing to help me, pero may mga bagay na hindi kasi pwede sa ngayon. 1. Si tatay coding ang sasakyan. 2. Si Azul nasa casa. 3. Hindi ako mahahatid ni kuya gawa ng nasa casa din si Bruno tapos si Scarlet gagamitin nila ng maaga bukas. DIBA? So paano ako? Kailangan ma-suportahan ko sarili ko haha. Simpleng bagay lang yan pero dibaaaa.

  1. The Bills Ain’t Gon’ Pay Themselves
  • No matter how much I want to travel the world do and buy unnecessary things, the bills ain’t gonna pay themselves. At the age of 25 I have to send my sister to school because my mom is getting older and the BPO industry is definitely not for her at the age of almost 54. After working in UAE for 10 years, my mom deserves a break and the least I can do is to send my younger sister to school para kahit papaano naman, makabawas sa burden ng mama ko. So I need to work hard and pay the bills, hindi ako pwedeng patravel travel lang o pa-shopping shopping.

  1. Social Media Is More of a “Break” than “Make”
  • For me, too much social media is toxic. I have nothing against people who wants their instagram accounts to be aesthetically pleasing #feedGoals but if you’re only posting stuff and “doing it for the gram” I don’t think it’s healthy. I’ve been through that. I wanted to travel so that I can take photos and post it on my social media accounts and garner so many likes but I realized that it wasn’t healthy anymore especially when I started growing envious of other people’s life looking through their social media accounts. I decided to lay low, I even deactivated my Facebook account and created a different one wherein I would filter my friends. I also stopped wanting an aesthetically pleasing instagram feed. Here on my blog, I wrote truthfully and wholeheartedly. No BS whatsoever. Social Media (especially instagram) is not for me.

  1. Choose Your Battles
  • I was once someone who wanted to get my point across. I always wanted to justify myself and my actions because I want people to understand why I did such a thing or why I said something. I want everyone to know my cause and I realized that it’s not healthy. It drains me mentally and emotionally. It’s annoying! I always end up on the loose end of the rope and I don’t feel any better when people understood my point or what I was trying to say or do. It doesn’t do me any good so why the hell do I bother. I learned to choose my battles. Not everything needs my energy and emotions. I don’t need to have my point across. I learned to know what’s worth it and what wasn’t.

What’s fun in adulting is realizing a lot of things and wishing you knew it before lol.