You know when you’re so stressed out but you have to keep fighting despite how toxic your workplace is because the bills don’t get paid by themselves and you can’t eat whatever clothing, art materials, shoes you have so you got to suck it up and stay working miserably on that job of yours? Andon ako ngayon sa feeling na yon.
We lived a wonderfully comfortable life when I was young until my 3rd year in college. Everything went upside down when my mom, an ofw left her job and went back home (here in the Philippines) to take care of her mom (my Lola) from there, life went crazy! I was not able to enroll, I have no choice but to work just so I could do something about the situation but looking back, I didn’t even save up from that job. Basically, all I did was work and spend money. I was way too immature to save my life no? But my mom just let me be, I think she wanted me to do something aside from mourn a sem of not being able to go to school.
But that’s the start of me—valuing education even more.
After a sem, I was able to go back to school already. I instilled in my mind that when I finished studying, I will work and help my mom.
4 years after my graduation, after working from a BPO company, I landed my writing job (which I totally enjoy) and I helped my mom. I send my sister to school and all that and that’s a huge accomplishment for me already.
Fast forward to my dilemma now. After taking over the responsibility of sending my sister to school, I don’t think I still have the privilege of pushing for my passion. I need to drive myself more because this isn’t something like a happy-go-lucky scenario. I can’t leave the job I have as easy as I would want to because I need to pay for tuition fee, the bills need to get paid, I need to support my daily life, gas, food et cetera, et cetera. It’s so hard. HALP.
Wait. Let me breathe.
To cut the chase shorter, I no longer like what I do. I love to write but I don’t like what I’m doing here anymore. I don’t like the system, I don’t like how people get treated, I don’t like what’s happening every single day. I drag myself to work thinking that I need to work because people rely on me. Tipong wala akong karapatang magreklamo as of the moment because there are far more important things than my feelings. I hate it everyday but I drive myself further over the edge because that’s what I need to do. Walang ibang magpapaaral sa kapatid ko. Ako lang.
I don’t even think about the career anymore. I just want to work for a different company and be able to still send my sister to school.
Pero wait, ano ba talaga problema ko?
In short, I hate what I do but I can’t leave the job just yet hence the job hunting. Pero nakakaloka talaga guys. As in yung gusto mong umalis na talaga as in 101% sure ka nang aalis ka pero wala kang magawa kasi hindi pwedeng sarili mo lang iniisip mo??? Why is adulting SO HARD? Anak ng tinola, no one told us it’s going to be THIS hard. Don’t get me wrong, pero sobrang toxic na kasi talaga. I am even willing to transfer and change lanes with career just so I could leave already pero job openings are so rare these days huhuuuu.
Every night, I pray to God that may He give me an opportunity already because my sanity is at stake hahaha pero seryosooooo.
So ano ba gagawin natin? Yakap at dasal nalang muna no?