Drama Rama

Lately, I have been so stressed out. I keep thinking about how my life is turning out, how things are always a problem, how everything is just making me suffer.

(Tagalog Post)

Medyo mababaw lang ang pinagumpisahan nito hanggang sa pabigat na ng pabigat ang mga naiisip ko. Minsan pumapasok pa rin sa isip ko yung ano kaya kung mamatay nalang ako kasi nakakapagod na. *naiiyak nanaman ako habang sinusulat ko ‘to* hayyy buhayyy, masyado akong emosyonal.

Bihira akong bumili ng para sa akin, madalas libro lang talaga ang ginagastusan ko. Nagkakasya lang ako lagi sa iisang sapatos hanggang sa masira koi to bago ako bumili ng panibago. Yung mga damit ko, paulit ulit lang din, siguro may mga 2 weeks worth of office clothes lang ako pero hindi naman yun ang pinuputok ng butche ko. Sa sobrang stressed out ko siguro, gusto kong magshopping. Tamang tama, sasahod na ulit tapos bayad na lahat ng kailangan bayaran na mga bills! Habang chinecheck out ko ang reviews ni Kat sa mga skin care product, yun yung naisip kong bilhin! Dual purpose din kasi, pansamantalang matatanggal stress ko tapos magagamit ko pa sa balat kong namumutakte na ng tigyawat sa sobrang stressed. Pumunta na ako dun sa website na sinabi ni Kat, konti lang yung productong bibilhin ko, yung mga talagang kailangan ko lang sa muka ko na malapit na mawalan ng pag-asa hahaha so nung ichecheck out ko na, mga 1700php na siya, pinigilan ko sarili ko. Naalala ko na may tuition fee akong babayaran. Sabi ko sige next time nalang.

Hindi ako nag-OT, kasi gusto ko makasama mama ko eh. Kaya pagka-out umuwi na ako kaagad, mga bandang 8pm nasa bahay na ako. Tapos yung kapatid ko 8:30pm na nakauwi. Naglugaw daw sila ng pamangkin naming (kasing edad niya yun anak ng kuya ko, wag na natin idiscuss hahah) araw araw late yan umuuwi, hindi na alam kung paano pang pagsasabihan dahil talagang matigas ang ulo eh.

Nalulungkot lang ako kasi lahat ng paghihirap ko, iyan ang nakikita ko. Nakakawalan ng gana. Naghihirap ako para sa wala, ganon yung pakiramdam ko. Hindi naman niya kasalanan na hindi siya binibigyan ng ama niya ng pang-tuition, wala naman akong magagawa doon. Si mama naman, buong buhay niya siya lang sumuporta samin, binigyan kami ng magandang buhay, pinagtapos sa magagandang paaralan, kaya ito nalang yung maisusukli ko, ang patigilin siya sa pagtatrabaho para hindi na siya magkasakit. Matanda na mama ko, 54 na yata siya o mag-54 na siya sa October. May mga nararamdaman na din siya na masakit kaya hindi na pwedeng magwork ng magwork pa. Para lang maibsan na yung stress niya at makapagpahinga naman siya, ako nalang nagpaaral sa kapatid ko. Kaya lang ang sakit sa dibdib na yung kapatid ko naman, hindi niya pinapahalagahan yung ibinibigay sakanyang pribilehiyo.

Okay ang grades niya sige, pero yung tigas ng ulo, attitude at pagpapahalaga sa mga taong nagmamahal sakanya, ang hirap.

Sa isip isip ko, pera lang naman yan, mabibili ko rin naman mga gusto ko in time, mabuti nga at wala pa akong anak, hindi rin ako makapag anak anak dahil siya ang inuuna ko sa lahat ng bagay, kaya lang masakit talaga sa dibdib na ganyan pa. Pinapasakit pa ulo ni mama. Siguro iisipin ng iba nagseself pity ako hahahahahahahahahataenanyohahaha joke. Pero kasi, kung mabait bait siguro tong kapatid ko, bale wala sakin lahat ng paghihirap ko eh.

Kagabi naiiyak na talaga ako, pero hindi ako makaiyak. Never umiyak o nagsabi ng ganito ang mama ko sakin kahit nahihirapan na siya, biruin niyo 4 kami na pinagaaral ni mama noon, 2 college, 1 high school,  grade school pero wala akong narinig na sinabi niyang hirap na hirap na siya.

Nung hindi ko na mapigilan ang iyak ko, natulog na ako agad kasi baka matuluyan pa ang pagdadrama ko.

Pag gising ko, okay na ako! HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAH

Nagdadasal nalang ako na sana, bigyan pa ako ng lakas ng diyos. Bigyan pa ako ng emotional strength at patatagin pa ang tiwala ko Sa Kanya.

Hanggang sa susunod na drama rama!

Xox, Thea
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OT Diaries #1

I was aiming for a “no OT” kind of work and I’ve been pretty good at it. I mean I spend so much time at work already, I work from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening—Monday to Saturday. I spend so much of my short life at the office and as much as I can, I try to go home as quickly as possible so I can squeeze some Yoga and quality time with Kyx and my family. However, as I was creating my August calendar, I noticed how my workload just tripled! Our company has a lot of activities and I need to hustle. There are a lot of rushed things I have to do and just thinking of it stresses me out. Gahhh. So basically, my calendar is full!!! I don’t even have space for errors, revisions and chitchats! Imagine how workaholic this August is making me -___- so I have decided to work overtime.

I hated the idea of working overtime. Aside from not having enough quality time with my loved ones, I don’t get to relax and rest. But right now, thinking of actually making an effort and trying to up my game in this field is really gruelling—but for the most parts, worth it.

Since February, I hated my job. I love what I do but I feel like I don’t get the compensation I deserve. I put so much to my work that I feel like it’s not appreciated. It’s like instead of looking at the quality of my job and thinking I did great, it feels like they expect that from me and I’m not comfortable with the idea of having unappreciative people.

Then recently, I went back to my usual programming. Not a workaholic but not mediocre. I was actually almost becoming someone I don’t like when it comes to work and ethics but now I am glad to be back on track. Fuck all those who do not appreciate how much effort I put into my work. As long as I do a good job that I’m actually proud of, I wouldn’t mind putting effort in it.

I will be working overtime for most days of August and probably the most shocking thing about it is I’m not even stressed out. I feel more energized!

Short Update!

Today I realized being an adult can sometimes be too much to handle!

– so tired, drank a bottle of beer last night but I have to get up early even on a Sunday just to workout.

– why am I still having breakouts? I used a Maybelline BB Cream only to have my face break out like a teenager. I wanna cry.

– now I have to do big sister errands and good daughter appointments for my family. Though I love to be of service to my family, I hate how my face has too many little dots hahaha.

– I sketched and painted for a good 15 minutes just so I could release some stress. Here’s what I came up with! 


How’s your day going? I’ll write about my weekend later tonight! 

Xox,T.

Accepting Whatever Even If The Words Are Not Exactly What You Want To Hear

Personally, I find this very challenging. I have the tendency to always defend myself. I don’t know but (maybe it’s a bad thing) that I am a person with a big ego. My amount of pride is bigger than anything else. I don’t know how else to explain it but I just really am a person with a huge ego. So if someone tells me something and it’s not what I wanted to hear, then I would perpetually defend myself or justify it. I try to prove a point and I could even make a big deal out of it. I never got tired of doing this because I always feel like I needed to defend myself, I feel like I always need to stand up for myself even if it was triggered by something really SMALL. As time went by and as I grew older, I have learned that what I kept doing over the years of my existence was extremely exhausting, painful, hurtful and has no sense at all. My best friend and my boyfriend taught me and reiterated this (even if I know it anyway, I had to have someone push the thought in my head anyway) PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO LIKE YOU ALL THE TIME, YOU WILL NOT LIKE WHAT THEY SAY BUT PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU. IF THEY COULDN’T KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT AND IF THEY SAY SOMETHING YOU FIND OFFENSIVE, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REACT RIGHT AWAY. SOMETIMES YOU EVEN HAVE TO LET IT FLY BY. BECAUSE ACCEPTING THESE WORDS ARE MUCH BETTER THAN DEFENDING YOURSELF AND JUSTIFYING YOUR OWN BELIEF. However, there are some circumstances that you really have to stand up for yourself. SOME but not ALL.

When Kyx and I are new in this relationship of togetherness, we would often argue about something (stupid) he would say + me being “overly sensitive” and getting offended easily. You see, the conflict is Kyx is very honest (it is a good thing, really) but sometimes, his honesty can pull the trigger of my emotions. He is the type of person who will, as much as he can, NOT SUGARCOAT things. To give you a better idea here’s an example.

Me: Do I look fat in this shirt?

Kyx: Uhm, yes.

He blatantly said “YES” without any explanation. Without saying “just a little”. He directly said YES which sort of offended me. (I know, I asked for it and I didn’t get the answer I wanted right? Now you can laugh hahaha but I did not laugh at that during the moment)

What I did was sat quietly and tempted to even throw a fit. He told me if he said anything wrong and I told him he shouldn’t have said that, and then the argument goes on. I know, I know. I shouldn’t have been offended but what can I do? Maybe I was PMSing. LOL.

Also, I can recall a conversation with a friend and she said that my lippie didn’t look THAT good on me. I shouldn’t have felt bad about it but I did.

Because NEWS FLASH. Aside from my own sensitivity, I would NEVER try to say stupid things that I know would offend others. I am very careful of what I tell others because I have the notion of “if someone told me this, I would get offended so I must not say this because the person might get offended” even if they are not melodramatic or overly sensitive (like me).

I guess now that I am writing this, I realize the good and bad side of it.

The Good Side: I don’t hurt other people’s feelings. I am not reckless with my words. I use it ever so wisely (I want to believe this is how I project myself lol)

The Bad Side: I overthink and I sort of expect other people to not be reckless with their words.

I know now that (maybe I knew it all along but too stubborn to accept the facts) people are different and has different views and opinions. Different attitudes and stands. Different beliefs and different way of living. Some might say something stupid that would hurt other people, some wouldn’t.

In this lifetime, I would hear a whole lot of different things that I wouldn’t want to hear but I have learned to filter what I should listen to and what I should ignore.

There’s always room for learning and growth and these are opportunities for an improved understanding. I have understood (I guess) that not everything is said to attack me or hurt me intentionally. There are things that are not thought about as to how I would think about it.

ALIVE, CRAZY BUSY AND HAPPY!

It’s one of the days that even if I keep seeing Kyx’s face (every day) I still want to see him some more. I mean I cannot wait to get off work so I can see him again and I can listen to the radio with him or sit beside him and do nothing.

Okay, aside from all that sappiness, I will talk about how I enjoyed my weekend.

You won’t believe it (unless you’re one of the few people like me) but I would rather spend my weekend in my bed, drinking good coffee or tea while reading a book or while writing something random. I would rather hang out with my family or just chill with my friends while we complain about getting fat and being so caught up with work. But this weekend in particular was something different!

Last weekend, I was feeling very positive as of late, I even worked overtime for 3 hours (take note) ON A SATURDAY. I was supposed to have a waxing appointment but the wait time is about 2 hours so Kyx just picked me up from work. It was raining so hard and the traffic was really bad. The moment we got home, I ate my lunch (it was already about 5pm and I have not eaten lunch which was crazy). Then I read a chapter from “Library of Souls” (written by Ransom Riggs and this is the 3rd book from the Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children) I have been delaying this book because I love the series so much I can’t let go of it! Anyway, I took a nap then I went ahead and met up with my high school friends. We had unlimited Margarita and we went to the famous clubs here in Manila (It was my VERY FIRST TIME to step foot to a club) it was really a spontaneous and fun night! I went home around 4am and slept like a sad person cause I was too tired from everything but my heart was happy!

Sunday night, Kyx and I went out with our friends. We went to this Fil- Mexican place at Kapitolyo. Everyone was lining up and waiting to be seated so we decided to go to a chill kind of pub called St. Patrick’s (I think) and they drank a pint of beer. I didn’t because I was trying to detox (I kinda drank 10 glasses of Margarita the night before so yeahhh) After about an hour, we walked back to Silantro. We waited for roughly 5 more minutes before we were finally seated. It was so worth it though because the food is amazing. I love love love Silantro! We ordered Beef Nachos and Burritos. EVERYTHING TASTED SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD I even forgot I was on a strict diet! (oops!!)

That weekend was one for the books I guess. I loved every bit of it. Mostly, I would hate something when I decide to leave the house and regret it afterwards. This is one of the rare times that I actually loved everything without complaining or hating myself or wishing I was curled up at my room reading a good book! So below are the pictures to sum up my happy weekend! (If you are not seeing the photos yet, I am probably still editing lol)

How about you guys? What do you think about trying to do different fun things over the weekend and coming out of your shell every once in a while? I feel like this particular weekend was liberating for me! It is good and bad in some ways but nonetheless, I enjoyed everything!

PICTURES INCOMING!! 😂

Together with my high school besties. 😍

Cheers to friendship! 🍻

A couple of Margaritas through the night 😙

Inside Valkyrie 🙌🏼

At the Palace Pool Club (we were so awkward we didn’t know how to party!)
SUNDAY BIGHT PHOTOS INCOMING!

Kyx and I 😙

Beef Nachos! (The best Nachos I have ever tasted!)

Dinner with these amazing guys!

😁 😍 😘

I realized that sometimes, you just have to let things flow by itself, go with it and enjoy every moment. It is a good time to be alive. It is amazing to be alive!

Also, I have been so caught up with work (I knowww it is driving me crazy already) so my apologies for the sudden MIA and rare visits. I promise to make my rounds and make up for you my friends here. Also, I would get to the Blogger Recognition Awards wherein my friends nominated me. I swear I am so overwhelmed and happy about it. I just have to get around doing it. Maybe I shall do it tomorrow! I am really sorry, please don’t feel neglected. And guys? I am alive okay! Hope everyone is doing well.

Xox, Thea

Positivity is Key

You know what, being stressed all the time gave me WEIGHT GAIN, Acne and stupid hormonal imbalance. So I realized, it pays so much to be happy. Not only for your emotional stability but for your physical and mental well-being as well. I noticed that the more stressed I got, the worse I look. Not because I am frowning and all that, I just didn’t have lots of energy, I gained so much weight and I hated a lot of things (which I normally didn’t care about). I didn’t get to sleep well, I kept thinking about a lot of stuff, I got so bitter, there’s so much hate going on, too much negative vibes to say the least! I didn’t feel good about myself, about how I look and I simply hated everyone. Until such time that I realized I wasn’t like this! I was such a happy person back then. I never dwell so much on negative things and I always have a will to find a solution to my problem. I realized how I lost focus on the good stuff and I partly regretted being like this. I felt like I lost a lot of good times because I let negativity tried swallowing me and my happy personality.

I tried to be more happy, I tried to let go of my insecurities. I tried to be a better person every day and it’s not easy but it’s not so bad after all! I taught myself more patience and understanding. I learned to love myself more and I realized being positive is the root of all good things. I wouldn’t be able to start trying to be happy if it wasn’t for some speck of positivity right? So I say, positivity is the main key to whatever shit you’re going through. When you dwell on positivity, when you believe on the good things life has to offer, when you embrace flaws and struggles, you will be happier.

Adulting and What You Need to Know

I have written a lot of stuff related to this theme but I feel like I have always written in a whim without really thinking clearly hence the jumbled thoughts. Now, I will try to write as clear and as coherent as possible then let’s see how far I can go. LOL.

  1. Weigh everything before dwelling.

Ever since the world begun, the earth continued to revolve and wouldn’t really stop if your world falls part. Imagine the (small) amount of time you have on earth yet you dwell on things that doesn’t really matter. You work hard every day, you don’t get to sleep very well, you don’t get to spend as much time with your loved ones, you push yourself to the limit which leaves you no time for fun things YET you still dwell on stuff that has no point, meaning or bearing. Now, being grown up doesn’t mean knowing everything but one thing I have learned is, you should weigh everything down before reacting to it. Before dwelling on it. Cause to say the least, not everything is worth it.

  1. No one really learns well until you’re the one trying to solve the problem.

My mom would always teach me stuff and telling me how I should “learn from her mistakes” which thankfully I did. However, you wouldn’t really know how hard stuff can be unless you were the one in that same position. You wouldn’t know how hard it is to be a parent unless you’re one. You wouldn’t know how much it hurts to be cheated on unless you are the victim. You wouldn’t know how hard it is to not have an education when you’re the one struggling in life. So if you’re one of the people who YOLO their asses off every day, think again. Because as painful as it sounds, life is hard. Seriously.

  1. Losing is not the end of everything.

Losing is tough and painful. As you get older, you will lose several important people, things, emotions, jobs and everything you can think of. When that happens, you have to accept things as early as you can because losing is not the end of everything. Sure it is sad to lose important people. It is hard to let go of things precious to you. Hard to lose a job you’ve worked so hard for but at the end of the day, these are something that you probably do not need in your life anymore and something you should learn from. As hard as it is, losing is part of your life and there’s nothing you can do about it.

  1. Stop expecting.

Gone are the days that you will get what you give. People are just different and you can’t always feel bad for yourself when you give too much but receive nothing. I am not talking about material things per se. I mean giving time, love, happiness, help and all the other emotional riches you can give. Because if you don’t already know, you can’t expect people to be just the way you are to them. Adulting is giving without SERIOUSLY waiting for something in return. In this world, in this adult stage, expecting is one of the things you can bury in the ground.

  1. Life is sweet and terrible.

If life isn’t sweet and terrible, then it shouldn’t be called life. Life is meant to teach you lessons, to make your stay on earth fruitful and meaningful. You have to accept that life wouldn’t always be fun and happy. Life will give you struggle and terrible things that makes you question a lot of stuff but through it all, life is amazing.