Can I just say that Ari’s Thank U, Next is how I want to close 2018? Hah! It’s very timely.
Anyway, I am writing this on the 1st day of the last month of 2018 and I can’t help but feel actually happy that this year is almost over. It wasn’t the best but thankfully, it wasn’t that bad either! So here’s stuff I want to share with you:
- It has been a year of healing for me. I’ve spent so many days learning to let go, embracing my journey to moving on from the pain. No matter how slow my progress has been, this year made me really go for it, yaknowamseyn?
- This year is when Kyx and I finally moved on to a different stage of our relationship. We veered off from our pettiness without even noticing it so I’m all for it! I loved it!
- There has been so many heartaches I faced this year but what’s good to point out is that it wasn’t about anything from the past. They’re mere heartaches of the present and there’s something about it that makes me feel stronger? Like at least I am dealing with present things right?
- I’ve finally learned how to love myself. I mean we all have the notion of loving ourselves but not really knowing how to do it and how it works. This year taught me that and made me realize how I should take care of myself.
- No more forced interactions just so I could be called “nice” or “polite” and that means a fuck ton for me. I love just being true to myself now more than ever.
- I’ve prepared myself for what’s in store for me in 2019. I mean I know 2019 would be a lot tougher compared to 2018 but I’d like to say that I’m stronger so it’s going to be fine won’t it?
- I’m actually excited for the days to come. My doors are open, I’m ready for more growth, for more opportunities!
2018, you were really awesome. I mean you didn’t mean for life to be this dumb for me but I had a good time. I’ve had loads of memories both good and bad, not to mention all the stuff I’ve learned! I’m sorry I want this year to be over but you’re unforgettable anyway *wink wink*
January ended just like that so let me take a look at how my January went.
- Got sick for a whole friggin week! It’s crazy but as I said earlier, it gave me more time to myself. Heh.
- I have not painted a single thing this month so I guess I’ll go ahead this month and paint something.
- I kind of lost my drive to work because my morals and principles are being challenged every day so I guess, it’s time for me to leave.
Anywayyyyyyyy on the bright side,
One of the resolutions I made for this year is to make time for the right people. I think I have been good at it since the start of the year.
In January – I attended our family reunion. I always attend it anyway so. Haha.
- I also attended the TFIOB 2nd meet up and was able to interact with my blogging friends.
- I spent time with my family and Kyx’s family for a change. I love it.
- I spent time with a few friends. Celebrated our friend’s birthday and had a wonderful time!
In February – I have a ton of plans!
- Date with my college friend, Eds.
- Attend my friend’s party.
- Date with Kyx.
- Paramore concert with Kyx and friends.
- Church searching with my friend Ai.
- Dinner date with cousins and a visit to Pinto Art.
- Hopefully all these plans in February will push through.
The fact that I’m actually eager to spend time with people is an absolute improvement. I’m really towards recovery!!! I love it!
I have a few plans in March, especially my coffee date with A (ehem A, magcocoffee na tayo sa March! Hehe)
How’s your 2018 so far?
When I was looking at how my 2017 went, it was my 26th year on earth and it has many many tragic memories but I believe that with God’s grace, I am here and surviving all the pain and heartache I experienced that it got me to thinking that (yes I know, I feel so unworthy too but) I want to go back to serving the Lord and go to church regularly. I am praying that this year will be my year for the Lord and hopefully, I overcome this feeling of unworthiness of His love.
My heart says “just go!” but in time, I’d probably listen to it after I battle the feeling I’m feeling right now.
Kyx and I as we like to label ourselves—are firm believers of the Lord. However, we do nothing in church, we don’t even go to church regularly (we don’t go to church) simply because we have encountered so many church drama and problems that nawala ang amor namin. Although I shouldn’t blame whatever happened to the church or the people we are with but hindi maiwasan that feeling eh.
This year, I want to be close to God again. I mean I won’t go overboard na parang preacher na lagi (although there’s nothing wrong with that. Hindi lang siguro bagay kasi ang dami kong kasalanan ahaha) pero namimiss na siguro ako ng Diyos. Maybe he’s saying that huwag naman daw ako puro dasal lang. So when I’m brave enough, hopefully very soon, I’ll go and face the Lord again. One of these days talaga.
Pagdasal niyo naman ako oh. Pray for me. Thank you!
For now, after work, I’ll go out and meet several Filipino bloggers whom I met in wordpress. I AM ECSTATIC!
Looking back (again) at how my 2017 went, I’d like this year to be better and so I will make it better by starting to work on myself. I have a lot of issues with myself, my mental health, how I look physically, how I think, most of the time I’m toxic to my own self that it just makes things more complicated than it should. So here’s what I will strive to do and hopefully, mapanindigan ko.
- I will work on my relationship with God. Only a few people in my life would know that I’m a firm believer of God. I read the bible on a daily basis since I was a kid but on 2016 and 2017, I would just read it occasionally because I grew so busy with work and life and that’s not very nice. Though I don’t and will not act very godly ‘cause ya know, I keep it real and say bad words and think bad thoughts, I will try my hardest to work on that.
- I will not let my depression and anxiety hold me back. It’s all I ever did in 2017 and it was a bit late when I found myself trying to fix what I broke—myself. So this year, I will not let it come bite me in the ass again like it did last year. I’ll practice to be stronger!
- I will work hard on keeping myself healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
- I plan on spending more time with family and friends—my dad included. I have not been spending time with them because (only a few would totally get me) but in reality, I would spend time in my room without having to interact with anyone unless really needed. I spend a lot of time recharging because when I need to be social, I’m this ball of energy and it’s so draining afterwards. So this time, I will go out there (more than I did heh)!
- I will work on my temper. I have a very bad temper and it takes a lot to work on that but I am trying my best to be less psycho (especially with Kyx)
- I will keep my mouth shut when I know I wouldn’t have anything nice to say. I have learned that shutting up saves me from a lot of horrible experiences jusko!
- I will keep thinking about “what is this teaching me” in scenarios so I would not lose my shit.
Save yourself the trouble and let’s have a hopefully, happy 2018 year ahead. Life is short so whatever we can do kindly and nicely, let’s do it. Live unapologetically, live with faith in yourself while being thoughtful and kind to everyone.
2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.
Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:
- January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
- February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
- March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
- April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
- May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
- June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
- July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
- August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
- September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
- October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
- November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
- December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.
All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.
2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe
Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!