Do not expect this to be comprehensive and written strategically because right at this very moment, I am writing exactly in the very moment of feeling everything all at the same time. My emotions are more than just a huge lump in my throat. More than a stab wound inside my heard. More than a broken bone, more than any other pain in the universe and this is why it’s sad, because no one ever knows the exact same feeling, no one.
It’s December, that time of the year when you are supposedly rebooted on a happy formulation. You long for the holidays and you look forward to the merry, jolly Christmas day. But for me, it’s different. Last year, on the 23rd of December, before our annual Family Reunion, my aunt surprisingly gave up and passed away. It was a huge deal for all of us because this is not just any aunt. This is the jolliest sister of my very own mother. The aunt who gave me a lot of stuff I wanted, the one who would sneak and give me money just cause she feels like I needed to buy cute stuff. The one who still buys me presents, stickers, crafty stuff, mickey mouse notepads and notebooks, ball pens even at the age of 24! She got so used to treating me as a daughter that she forgot I am a full grown woman. I loved her with every bit of my being, my soul. I still do. I cried so hard last night when everything is quiet and everyone has gone to bed. I cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep and dreamed of my deceased grandmother, I was looking for my aunt but she wasn’t there. My mom was there tending to a wound. It was so weird but so brief.
Until now, I realized I have never gotten over her passing. I never acknowledged and accepted fully that my aunt—the aunt, has passed away, never to come back.
I remember crying at 8am, Christmas morning 2015. Ugly crying. Almost screaming “I will never ever see her again” and that made Kyx tear up a bit. I wasn’t even sad that it’s Christmas and there I was crying my eyes out, I am sad because I will never see her again, hear her get annoyed with her, nothing. She’s a mere memory and I cry just a little bit more because I never made much more memories after turning 24. That’s the end. That’s it and that’s something hard to accept.
I will never ever get over her death or the deaths of people I love. I will never. Ever. And that’s not even the saddest part yet, because the sad part is I never wanted this to happen and I was sure I spent so much time with people I love and I will not regret anything in the future when they leave this earth, but no. I was wrong. There’s always a hole going to be left behind. A gaping hole so obviously vast that no one can ever cover or close.
How do you get over all these grieving? How do you get over a death? How?
I miss her so much it breaks my heart into pieces I thought I have fixed a year ago. It breaks me all over again and again and again and it’s not going to stop. Ever. It will keep my heart broken for as long as I live.