Update: Feb 12-16

I haven’t been writing not because it feels like a chore but I have a lot of things going on in my life that I just do not have enough time to write anymore. Sobrang lala haha.

Anyway, let me start this post by telling you that FINALLY (as in oh my god talaga), Finally I am forgiving people that caused me pain and that I understood everything now. So I guess, I just freed myself from the burden of thinking too much, not letting go, not letting God do his thing etc etc. and I am happy huhuhu after trying so hard faking it, after going through the loop of being happy and sad and happy again and then sad again, I’m back to normal!

  • I was going to write about this but I was not sure if she wanted to be exposed like this pero, I’m writing it now anyway haha à I met up with Kat last week and had lunch at Mary Grace. SHE WAS SUPER FUN TO BE WITH or talagang nag-click lang kami agad? I am myself when I am with her and I didn’t have to try hard. Lamo yun? Yung I wasn’t trying to be extra nice, I wasn’t worried that I might say the wrong things basta it was just amazing huhuhu. I feel like we’re meant to be friends hahaah feeler hahah but whatever. Ang saya ko. Though I think Mary Grace is pricy than other restaurants, ang sarap kasi kaya niyaya ko si Kat doon hahahah next time baka magmicrowave nalang kami ng baon na food. HAHA. Wait.  Anyway, I feel like Kat is my legit friend talaga. Another thing pala about Kat, she is super pretty! Walang pores levels. Simple but very beautiful. As in muka akong ewan kapag katabi ko siya pero wapakels ako hahaha. ANG GANDA NI KAT. ❤
  • Days after (yata or a day after. Di ko na sure) I decided that I’m letting go and I’ll be forgiving people despite the fact that they did not apologize to me whatsoever, I talked to Space about it until she told me that maybe, I can try to reach out again just for closure. I prayed for it and wrote a letter haha. I was going to send it via snail mail but I was thinking it would take longer and my goal was to close that chapter of my life before I turn a year older again so I called one person. The one who started it all. I was so nervous. The last time we spoke she was telling me that I should have been killed in an earthquake so I didn’t know what to expect. But you know what? I told her I was sorry and she told me she IS SORRY TOO! I could not believe what I was hearing. It was a 20minute phone call and we talked more via chat and ya know, we’re not friends again but at least we forgave each other after everything. And for me, that chapter was closed already. It was behind us and if ever God’s plan is to pave a new chapter for friendship then who am I to say now (although my mom do not believe the “let’s be friends again” thing but just saying diba. Who knows. I am not closing my doors haha joke. Showbiz lang)
  • Last Thursday, I went out with my cousins and had dinner with them. Ang refreshing lang ng ganap and nothing has changed, ganoon pa rin kami. They were my first best friends and I am glad I still have them ❤

Hayyyy a breath of fresh air! Ang saya. Parang ang daming tinik yung nabunot sa dibdib ko.


I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.

Church Day

Before the start of 2018, my friend and I talked about wanting to go back to church. I am not exactly sure how long she stayed out of church but for me, boy it lasted for a year since I started hearing mass again! Two weeks before the 11th of February my friend said we should try attending The Feast. I told her I can’t go this weekend (the 4th of February) because it’s my sister’s family day in school. So we agreed on attending on the 11th at 8am to 10am.

Usually, I’d push for convenience because 1. The Feast Bay Area was going to be held at PICC in Pasay and we live in Pasig-Cainta which will take us about 30 to 40 minutes to be there compared to just going to the church inside the village. 2. I wake up early for 6 days so Sunday is the only day I can sleep in but I had to let that go because—8am mass. -_- with all that being said, I had this feeling that I wouldn’t want to let this pass, I wanted to go back to church and this is the first chance I can get so I must grab it. I was also talking to myself that maybe, if I didn’t like it, I’d try other church or services. The night before  our church day, I prayed to have the right amount of strength, energy and enthusiasm. I also asked for guidance and requested that I may be touched spiritually so I can have a church already.

Come the 11th. I woke up at a little past 5:30am. Drank tea, took a bath, made breakfast, did my skincare routine and off I went to my friend’s house and she booked an Uber for us. Around almost 40 minutes, we were at PICC. We were so excited! We choose a comfy spot and the next thing we know, we are hearing mass. The Feast pala is Catholic. So from 8am to 9am we heard the Catholic mass then from 9am to 10am, we sang joyful praises and there was preaching afterwards.

Here’s my takeaway:

  • You are loved because God first loved us. This phrase from a verse in the bible touched me so much that I am starting to be tearful. Of course, how can we forget that we are loved by God? That we are worthy to be loved. That even before we are born, we are loved. That in times we are hard to love, we are still unconditionally loved by our creator.
  • There’s nothing to prove. We find ourselves proving a point more often than not. We argue and we push things to the edge when in fact there’s nothing to prove because we are loved by our creator anyway.

Towards the end, I couldn’t help but cry a little. I was just so touched and I felt that God is proud of me, that I may have shut myself way too long but I came back and he waited for me. He forgave me for neglecting him and his teachings.

Overall, I really did have an amazing time and it was just so refreshing to be back. I pray that Kyx would join us soon and now, I am thinking of inviting my mother and my sister to come with us.

Mornings with Mama # 2

Kyx and I have been contemplating of getting ourselves a dog. We’re lowkey wanting to be parents but we just can’t afford to have a child. Ya know. Hoomans. Haha. So I was telling my mom about it and she’s super supportive and all.

Yesterday, while we were at the mall (Me, Mom, Atta and Kyx) we saw a puppy on a stroller..

Me: Omg ma! Ayan! We’ll buy a puppy and then we’ll get a stroller and he be our baby and we will bring him to the mall and all that.

Ma: Oo girl. Tama yan!

Me: Di namin keri ang magkaanak pa eh. So kuha kami ng pug or corgi sana.

Ma: Oo tama. Mahirap magkaanak. Ang aso pag nilambing lambing mo lalambing lambingin ka rin, pag nagpoops pupulutin mo lang, pag umihi pupunasan mo lang, pag pinagalitan mo hindi sasagot, tungo lang, di sasama loob, may loyalty, di kailangan paaralin, di bibigyan ng baon, pag namura mo hindi magdadabog. Oh see? Ang saya magkaaso!


Lil sis:




Making Time (My 2018 So Far)

January ended just like that so let me take a look at how my January went.

  • Got sick for a whole friggin week! It’s crazy but as I said earlier, it gave me more time to myself. Heh.
  • I have not painted a single thing this month so I guess I’ll go ahead this month and paint something.
  • I kind of lost my drive to work because my morals and principles are being challenged every day so I guess, it’s time for me to leave.

Anywayyyyyyyy on the bright side,

One of the resolutions I made for this year is to make time for the right people. I think I have been good at it since the start of the year.

In January – I attended our family reunion. I always attend it anyway so. Haha.

  • I also attended the TFIOB 2nd meet up and was able to interact with my blogging friends.
  • I spent time with my family and Kyx’s family for a change. I love it.
  • I spent time with a few friends. Celebrated our friend’s birthday and had a wonderful time!

In February – I have a ton of plans!

  • Date with my college friend, Eds.
  • Attend my friend’s party.
  • Date with Kyx.
  • Paramore concert with Kyx and friends.
  • Church searching with my friend Ai.
  • Dinner date with cousins and a visit to Pinto Art.
  • Hopefully all these plans in February will push through.

The fact that I’m actually eager to spend time with people is an absolute improvement. I’m really towards recovery!!! I love it!

I have a few plans in March, especially my coffee date with A (ehem A, magcocoffee na tayo sa March! Hehe)

How’s your 2018 so far?

I am 26, Fat and Ugly

If I have not said it enough, I’ll say it again. I haven’t been 26 for a good 24 hours when people screwed it up for me. HAHAHAHA. I can’t remember if I enjoyed my birthday week but yeah, that happened. To those who have just been following me, here’s a summary of my heart breaking story (ang arte ng heart breaking lels)

  • I was so excited for my birthday. I am looking forward to it for the first time after I turned 7. I don’t know. I hate celebrating my birthday cause I feel old and shit but this was actually the first time that I was excited.
  • I went out with my friends and we had a BLAST.
  • The next day, they pitted on me and fought me. One (ex) friend took screenshots of our past conversations ranting about other friends etc and then they brought up our past issues and dug through the shit we didn’t like about each other 100 years ago. The funny thing is everyone did JUST THAT and I’m the only one being hated hehehe.
  • So after my birthday, I was so traumatized and I fell into my anxiety and depression. I had no one (that’s what I thought hehe
  • Everything was a disaster. I blamed myself for everything (only to realize that no, I am not the one to blame here hehehe. I mean oo I did things but to be blamed for everything? Lol)
  • It was sooo bad that I hated myself for a while. I was so stressed, I couldn’t sleep well, I gained SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT and my skin broke out sooooo bad as in GRABE. Fat and ugly, that’s what I am. No exaggerations, as in swear haha (photogenic lang ako kaya hindi obvious lels)

But since that day, I pushed myself to recover. It is a long process and I’m still trying to fully recover from the trauma it left me but at least now, I am on a better state. I am losing weight, I am not breaking out anymore (though the blemishes are still there but haha nawawala na sila)

So, am I excited for my birthday even after all the shit I went through that for sure, I will never forget (kasi syempre kaakibat ng birthday ko ang ganap na iyon diba) indeed I am.

I’m way past being scared like a shitty asshole. I am going to be okay from now on and I’ll be fine. Hopefully, on my birthday in April I’ll be “27. Wiser and Finer” (lol ahahah anudaw ahah)

Good vibes lang!


Nothing out of the ordinary. It’s just losing people and recovering from it and realizing a bunch of things knowing you should have realized that a long time ago.

Last night, after doing 30 minutes of yoga practice, I sat down with my back against the wall, contemplating whether I should stand up, go for a quick shower and start my skincare routine. Staring into what used to be a blank space that turned into a pile of mess—I remembered that about 5 days ago, I went and checked the photos I have uploaded on twitter over the years and saw pictures of people from the past. Photos that have been left untouched, undeleted. May kurot but I deleted them pictures without second thoughts. I needed to do that so I can fully recover. It was a fascinating feeling—hurting but being relieved at the same time. How ironic, right? And so I realized that I lost a handful of people, people who are so damn close to my heart, people I have loved but losing them made way for a lot of things, gave me so much more time and space for new found friends, people who stuck with me and opportunities to meet other people easily. It was with God’s grace that the toughest of things may have happened to give you something better, something more worthwhile in return which I have not seen nor realized sooner than I should.

I was so busy crying over what I lost without looking intently to what I have gained and what I still have. I was lamenting over the people who so easily left me when there are tons of other people who stuck with me! I was busy thinking how the hell I would eat out, enjoy, travel, go places when I lost the people I am always with, without realizing that I have a lot of friends whom I can go out with, see the world with, enjoy life together!

I guess it’s always a matter of perspective but it’s not easy, nowmseyn? Haahah (kairita yung nowmseyn sorry haha) and though hard at first, you’ll know, you’ll learn.