8 Things I have Moved On From

I was listening to the latest episode of the Wake Up with Jim and Saab podcast and there’s a part where they talked about the things they have moved on from hence the topic I would be writing about today so credits to Jim and Saab for giving me something to write about hahaha.


Seated inside a cramped vehicle, I commuted to work today. It was not a bad commute because the traffic is moderately heavy. I sat there earphones still plugged even if there’s nothing to listen to anymore.I looked out the window trying to evaluate my life again and again. It has become a habit—re-evaluating my life while stuck in traffic. Wow. I think I have come a long way since my tragedy in 2016 and though there were still rough days that makes me think about it over again and cry a little at night, I feel like I’m stronger now. I have changed so much! My way of life, my thinking, my happiness and how I love myself! It’s all so different from the cringe worthy person that I was back then. And so, I bring you, the 8 things I have moved on from!

  1. Toxic Attitude – At one point, I have become this toxic ball of a person. Always magnifying the negativity and shadowing the bright side. I always would be so paranoid at how people perceive me, I get jealous often times, I don’t smile often, I don’t appreciate the good things. Now, I have gotten rid of that. I’ve veered away from that toxic attitude!
  2. Toxic People – oh but of course, there are also toxic people around and I’d always want to still deal with them but after what happened to me, I figured it was time for me to move forward and change paths. I do not need toxicity in my life and though my doors are not closed, I wouldn’t go out and run towards people like this. If they have changed, then they can enter my door again but if not, it’s fine. I’m fine.
  3. Ridiculously Pathetic Thinking – this is too general but at the top of my head it means I am done with negative thinking and overthinking. I am still on the process of relaxing and not getting stress get the best of my mental health but at least I’m done. I don’t tolerate shit I give to myself anymore. I try to see things as it is and not overthink.
  4. Treating Myself So Shitty – I used to tolerate shit I and other people give to me. I always think I deserve whatever bad thing a certain bad situation gave me. It’s pathetic because it goes to show how I don’t love myself as much as one should!
  5. Spending Time with The Wrong People – I value time so much and since I value myself a lot more than I was doing back then, I decided to stop spending time with the wrong people. I choose when to engage myself, I choose what events I would go to, I choose which movies to watch, I choose the company I know I would enjoy myself with. I am done with FOMO. Back then, I used to just go even if I don’t even want to be there in the first place, even if I am not enjoying myself. Now, I make sure that I really like the people I spend time with.
  6. Living My Life For Others – I used to really like living in a way others would tell me they like my life. I want people to tell me that they admire my lifestyle, what I want, my hobbies, my quirks and then suddenly, I started to do things so that others would continue to like me for it. It’s so toxic and I wasn’t at all happy about it. So I changed my ways and started living for myself, for what I really want and didn’t care whether other people would tell me they didn’t like me or they didn’t like what I am doing or they didn’t like my clothes et cetera.
  7. Caring Way Too Much – in line with the 6th one, I used to care a lot what other people think of me. I value their opinions so much even if it hurts me or even if it becoming so toxic. It’s as if I was walking on egg shells all day every day because I don’t want people to think badly of me. It’s just crazy that I care too much about what others would say that I forgot my own well-being!
  8. Dwelling On The Haters – I think I’ve got a few bunch of people who dislike me or even hate my existence. I would obsess about it and if I knew that you don’t like me, I would keep on impressing you or trying hard to be friends with you just so you would stop disliking me. HOW PATHETIC WAS THAT?! Now, I learned that if someone do not like me, I should start shaking it all off. I mean it’s not easy, especially that I was a people pleaser for a long time (not anymore ah! Before lang) It’s so stupid diba. Hahaha. I stopped obsessing and dwelling on these people. If you don’t like me, then it’s okay!

It’s a long read but I hope you made it all the way down here. I feel like it’s very important that I share these things to you guys, I owe you this much. And though I don’t dwell on the haters anymore, I still feel sick to my stomach and sometimes, my heart breaks a little because all I ever wanted is to live in a happy space with happy people not snarking at me or something. So let’s end this with:

But I keep cruisin’, won’t stop can’t stop grooving. It’s like I got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be alright.

Cause the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate and the players gonna play play play play play baby I’m just gonna shake shake shake shake, shake it off, shake it off!

 

I am not a Taylor Swift fan but this song just resonates what I need to do with my life especially when dealing with people who don’t like me. How about you guys? What are the things you moved on from and how did you do it?

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What A Freaking Fantastic Week!!!

August 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27

Disclaimer: I tell my story the way I like to hahaha and that’s my excuse for magulong story telling. mehehe

August 21

The day Kyx and I celebrated our 4th anniversary. Our anniversary falls on a Wednesday, a work day + number coding. So since we both didn’t have to work on the 21st, that’s when we decided to eat out and sort of shopped a little.

August 22

Kyx gave me his letter + anniversary gift and I cried a little before sleeping. We both didn’t have a nice day because apparently, hindi pa kami tapos from our argument last weekend. Sooo. Hahah. Oh well, Happy Anniversary!

August 23

PARAMORE CONCERT!!! We bought our tickets back in November 2017 for the February concert but they had to cancel because of Hayley’s health. Anyway, I AM SO STOKED FOR THIS CONCERT!!!!

Especially that Kyx and I finally got over our argument last weekend and this is like the cherry on top of our anniversary.

I was on leave, went to pick Airah from Glo 4, went straight to MOA Arena; thank goodness for parking slots. (We were so worried that parking might be challenging, but hindi naman so all is well)

Snacked on Turks and popcorn and then the how started exactly at 8pm. Of course there was a front act and then Paramore came out of nowhere and sang their first song, Grudges. I like the song because it talks to me about forgiveness and old friendships. I am still praying for those people and I hope I myself wouldn’t have grudges anymore.

Then they played Still Into You. That’s when I lost my shit. Kyx and I were singing our hearts out so crazily because yes, that’s in fact, our song. HAHAHA.

All of their songs were still amazing. I loved it and I’m so glad we were able to watch it.

It ended at around 10pm. Airah, her sister Lee, their cousin, me and Kyx went for late dinner at Mister Kabab. It’s good food but pretty expensive than the Mister Kabab at Pearl Drive.

Verdict: This day was super amazing!!!!!

August 24

Worked and had a meeting then went to shop for gifts, went home, slept.

I was still so fucking tired from the concert last night kaya I just slept. Lol.

Verdict: Fun day but still tired.

August 25

Went to our friend’s baby shower. Got stuck in traffic and cried inside because I kept thinking about my life, where I am going, how I can still improve myself, how I can continue to heal and become better. All sorts of evaluation, feeling left out and shaking it all off. Hayy. But by the end of the day I grew super grateful and it felt like all my questions were answered!

I got to spend the day with my best friend, Gert and our grade school friends from SPCP. (side note: super excited for our friend giving birth next month! Nakakaloka!!!)

I also got to go out with our friends from Kyx’s side naman. We drank and ate at Tas Roofdeck in Paranaque and got home at around 4 in the morning.

Again, it was a super fun day. I drank one glass of Peach sangria and a bottle of Pale maybe that’s why hindi ako agad inaantok haha.

Verdict: grateful, loved and comforted. It was a blessed and fun day!

August 26

REST DAY. I am not feeling well so I just slept the whole day away and watched a few movies online with Kyx!

August 27

National Heroes Day and I got to spend it with my hero—my mama. I took her out on a date. We watched Crazy Rich Asians, shopped a little and ate dinner at her favourite place for merienda—Luk Yu En.

It was also Kyxarie’s mom’s birthday and we had lunch at their house pala. Hehe.

I am praying for more weeks like this. Just light and fun filled with time spent with family and friends. Hayyy. Thank you, Lord for this week! Definitely one for the books AGAIN!

Tuesday’s Gray

Before I write about HOW (fucking) FANTASTIC last week (plus Monday) was, I must write about my Tuesday and my moments.

Today is the first day of work in this week and I just dragged myself here. I do not have the will to go to work plus my allergies are so bad I just want to lay in bed, watch Desperate Housewives or cry over things I wanted to cry about. But instead, I’m at work and I feel so lost. Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m confused or lost. They seem to have this notion that I look so sure about myself (that’s a good thing I guess. I take it as a good thing and I’m not even sorry lol) when deep inside, I am falling apart—not in a depressive manner at least. But I am falling apart in terms of not-wanting-to-do-shit-any-fucking-more kind of falling apart.

I also would like to note that last Saturday, on our way to my friend’s baby shower, we got SUPER stuck in traffic that I have re-evaluated my life already, got sad and got comforted by God’s grace in the end. Ang lala hahaha

Well, for me to feel this way, I am thinking which planet/s is/are in retrograde because I’m definitely not myself. I’m just glad that Mercury is done with its retrograde but other planets are still in retrograde which makes it hard for me to keep up. Hayyy, self.

I was planning to write separate posts for my fantastic week last week but I’ll just cram it up in one entry he he he he.

Mercury Retrograde Hitting Us Hard + What a Saturday/Sunday!

Okay, let me start off by saying that I cannot wait until Mercury finishes its retrograde. I can’t emphasize enough how stressful it has fucking been!!

Saturday – I was supposed to be at home but I had to work on a few articles in the office so I had to go to work. It’s not at all that bad, my day went like a breeze and it’s alright. Fast forward to going home.

Went home, had a handful of cashews for merienda and waited for my mom. We just had a quick chitchat and Kyx and I agreed on going with our friends to a gig in Paranaque.

As I was changing my clothes and getting ready for it, I realized that most of my good stuff were at my mom’s house and I have nothing but office clothes at Kyx’s house. He suddenly blurted out “magpapayat ka na kasi para hindi ka mahirap bihisan”. Right then and there it only took 5 seconds for me to go ape shit on him. I was so wild I had to find it in me to control myself. It was so hard because I want to rip him apart! As in gagoooo ka baaaa???? Are you fucking body shaming me???? As in I want to strangle him so bad, I want to turn into a hyena and just wag him off from my mouth like fucking crazy. I was so mad.

(just a disclaimer: I have been on a diet for so long but losing weight is just so hard. If only I have all the time in the world, I’d go boxing 24/7 but I have 6 days of work in a week, traffic is so bad in Metro Manila, healthy food is super expensive, so tell me? Would it be easy to fucking work out after a stressful day at the office + 2 hours travel time? Not to mention boxing is also expensive! I do workouts at home and even Yoga but it won’t help me lose a ton of weight in a flash okay? Okay fuck you okay? Ahah)

We were arguing for a good 2 hours or so and we had to cancel with our friends because I was crying so hard and Kyx was also angry at himself and in the whole situation.

(As in ang lala. Nagaaway kami because I was so fucking hurt with his stupid comment. Like????) and it escalated pa because he retorted that he wants to be proud of me daw and I went ape shit again kasi ARE YOU NOT PROUD OF ME YET? Hahahah as in tangina, I am doing the best I can and I’m losing weight because I want to, not because people want to look at me and say I’m pretty and hot and sexy??? So???

As in hindi natatapos. I don’t know how it happened but Kyx apologized and I cried some more. He explained himself and told me he wasn’t body shaming me (eh ano lang?!?!?!?!) and said na maybe his words weren’t right or maybe he could have said it better and after 2 hours, we’re ready to go.

Of course we didn’t make it to the gig and so we just hung out at a restobar in the streets of Makati. Chill place, awesome friends to hangout with, overall good shit. We even played beer pong. Airah and Digs came too. It was a fun night until that home along da riles experience.

After drinking, around 2 in the morning, we decided to eat at SEX (Sinangag Express located in Makati), we all had a few drinks, we decided to Waze our way to SEX. Fucking Waze led us to the PNR riles and it went downhill from there.

We were panicking so hard but Kyx managed to find the road back, reached SEX and we’re good.

UNTIL we saw that our tire was slashed!!!!

Kyx thinks it was slashed by bolts or the train thing from the railway. Naloka ako. The tire is so fucking flat. As in.

Kyx had to change the tire and it was a fucking funny experience. Good thing Kyx knows everything he needs to know with basic car stuff like this. Hayyyyy. We were almost fucking doomed! Hahahaha (akalain niyo sa payat niyang yun he managed to change his tires! haha okay, stop with the body shaming thing)

Our friends were there and they helped us, laugh with and at us. Kakaloka!

We got home at around 5 in the morning and overall, it was a fun Saturday/Sunday. It’s just a crazy weekend. But I can’t say I hated the experience, I somehow learned a lot from everything that happened and I loved how the day turned out. (Kahit we will shell out 20k because Kyx wanted a new set of tires na HAHAHA)

I guess the good thing was that even though the situation is so stressful, no one was in a bad mood. As in everyone was laughing like crazy and trying to get out of this bad tire situation–even Kyx was laughing his ass off! God’s grace saved us that day. ❤

In The Middle of August

Wow, we’re in the middle of August already! That means our anniversary is in less than a week plus Paramore’s concert is also going to be next week and the next thing I know, it’s almost the end of my happy freaking month?! Woah!

Okay so before I publish the things I wrote for the past few days, I’ll give you this one first!

  1. Ultimate Surprising Experience So Far
  • This would have to be the TFIOB (girls) Night at Rhea’s condo unit. I swear. This surprised me on a different level. Wait, let me publish it right away after this HAHAHAHA.

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  1. Current Obsessions
  • I started obsessing over podcasts in July when I listened to Wake Up with Jim and Saab but I like to consider it as a full blown obsession when August started. I was so hooked to so many other podcasts aside from Jim and Saab’s. My go-to podcast would have to be that and Self-Helpless (go check them out!)
  1. Did Differently This Month
  • More than ever, I found myself still being reflective but self-aware and happier. I mean usually, when I think things through or like play over and over a scenario or a behaviour over my head, I get so emotionally tangled to that which leaves me no space for growth and understanding. So this month, I love how I am reflective but at the same time pushing myself to see the bigger picture.

    I included this because I look what I feel: Happier!
  1. Currently Practicing
  • I have been practicing a lot of things but my most favourite one is complaining less, caring less and being happier with myself. It takes a great deal of effort to really be patient and kind especially if a lot of things piss you off but like I said, practicing it often leads to achieving that goal. I am more patient, I don’t complain as much as I used to, I cared less about what others think and say negatively about me and I’m overall just really happier!

    That’s my office BFF! Always happy and myself when I’m with her.
  1. Working On Physically
  • I plan to work on going back to making art regularly again but since there’s a lot on my plate that I need to handle, I am just focused on working on going back to boxing and doing yoga regularly. Not working out really made me feel like shit and have become overall shitty to Kyx so he’s all for me—working out so that I don’t turn into a “monster” lels.
  • This is me feeling all glowy whenever I work out. Sorry I don’t have photos of me working out because I’m shy hahaha

I hope your mid-month is working just fine! 🙂

Wrote this on August 15, 2018

Happy 1st, TFIOB!

TFIOB is a group of Filipino bloggers turned friends.

Through this group, I met people that I have grown to love and be friends with. Through this group, I realized that the world is bigger than I could have ever imagined. Through this people, I found what I lost.

Happy 1st year TFIOB!

Kahit lagi niyo ako inaasar, kahit lagi akong late, kahit lagi niyo pinupuna yung dede ko lagi naman din kayong andiyan para sa akin at sa lahat ng ibang may kailangan ng kaibigan. Minsan OP ako ganern kasi lagi akong wala pero keri lang naman kasi pag nagkita kita naman na ulit, masaya pa rin hahaha.

Ang dami dami niyo ang hirap isa isahin hahaha ayokong may malimutan ako.

Una sa lahat, Space. My labs, ikaw yung kaibigan ko na kahit hindi araw araw makausap, andiyan lang lagi para sakin. Yung tipong ipagtatanggol ako pag inaapi ako. Nagpapaligaya sakin, kausap ko sa mga oras na down ako o imbey. Ikaw na ikaw lahat haha.

Amielle, ikaw yung baby sister type of friend. Yung kahit hindi tayo naguusap nagkakaparamdaman tayo ng mga hanash sa buhay, sana wag tayo magbago sa isa’t isa. Stay put ka lang diyan haha.

Kate, yung eye opener, friend na walang BS. Magsasabi lang ng totoo at legit na love ako. Love kita besh!

Kat, ibang level yung friendship natin. Para sakin tinuturing kitan legit talaga na amazing friend. Lagi ka din andiyan para sakin to knock some sense in me, pag ma-drama ako binabalance mo yung emotions ko. Naghihintay pa rin ako sa araw na makakapag-Jollibee date tayo bes!

Alona, kahit sobrang busy natin sa lahat ng hanash in life, ikaw yung friend na andiyan lalo na nung baliw baliw pa ako. Asan na yung pakape natin?

Lhory, isa ka sa mga una kong naging kaibigan and super happy ako nakilala kita 🙂

Jhem and Aubrey, mga mamsh hindi ko alam kung ano gagawin ko kung wala kayo hahaha. Kayo yung laging andiyan na walang sawa making at magcomfort sakin nung nababaliw ako eh haha.

Mommy Meg, di ko maexplain pero alam ko lagi ka lang din andiyan kahit busy ka haha.

Krishel, Chammy, Gerry, Eca, Ica, Grace, CJ, Kuya ALbert, Mommy Joy kahit di tayo lagi naguusap or nagkikita dama ko yung care natin sa isa’t isa kahit busy kayo haha.

Shout out kay Krishel: huyyy ibang klase. Salamat lalo na nung sabado hahaha kung hindi dahil sayo, hindi ako nakapagenjoy. ❤ ❤ Feeling ko lumevel up yung friendship natin dahil don bwahaha.

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Kuya JC and Ate Jona, idol parents! ❤

Ate Aysa, Jolens mga idol ko kayo lalo na sa pagsusulat hayyy ❤

Jonathan, James, Sensei umaasa ako na magkabonding bondingan tayo soon haha.

Maklein and Mikay, mga baliw HAHA sobrang saya na nakita ko kayo at nakasama. Excited ako sa muli nating pagkikita kasi sobrang baliw nyo din hahaha

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Rhea, Jas, Ely and Kuya Jheff, salamat kasi kahit di ako nakakasama niyayaya niyo pa rin ako HAHAHA. Kahit lagi akong lost at sabaw, andiyan pa rin kayo. Haha!

Ang dami, ang dami dami pa. Maraming salamat kasi nakilala ko kayo at naging kaibigan. Kung may hindi man ako namention, pasensya na. Babawi ako next time haha.

Di ko na masyadong dinramahan hahah sa susunod nalang. With matching iyak pa haha.

Loving Me #1

August 7, 2018

I decided to make this a series thing because it’s a huge chunk of what I am working on this year.

How did it all start? I’ve tried for so long not to care about what other people would say and think about me but it was soooo hard especially that I have been a people pleaser for a very long time—so changing my ways entirely was a difficult process. But maybe, practice really does help, I was able to slowly immerse myself into the I-don’t-give-a-fucking-damn-about-what-they-say-and-think realm and there’s no going back! *insert victorious laugh*

I don’t know exactly what happened. I just woke up one day and thought to myself that I’m done being the people pleaser that I was. I’m done walking on egg shells around people who do not seem to like me for who I am. I am done sugar coating things, I’m done trying to look good for other people, I’m done not liking myself just because some people don’t like me. I’m just done with all of that and I was like fuck it, I love myself better now and I won’t care if others don’t. I’m done running around the vicious cycle of caring and not caring and then going back to caring again like I was stuck in some loop. I’m done with that.

It was also very toxic for me to keep caring and then out in the back not caring again, then after a while would care again like?? It’s just so fucking confusing already plus I don’t like it when my emotions get the best of me so there’s that.

It’s just (I’d say this again and again) so freeing to just be able to love yourself and not care whether they like you or not.