Go and Take Risks, Althea!

I don’t know if this is just me giving myself the signs I am asking for or God or the universe truly wants to talk to me and encourage me in every step that I will take from this day forward.

Let me tell you what happened after my 2-day experience. I will not say anything specific about the “experience” itself and only a few knows about it so let’s wait to hear the good news before the details okay? Anywaaaaay, my 2-day experience were both exciting and HARD. To say the least, I got so tired that when I went home after the 2nd day, I cried so hard and both Kyx and I didn’t know what to do with myself! I was crying so hard endlessly, ugly crying, kinakatay na baka crying, namatayan kind of crying. It was super loud that if someone else heard me they’d think I lost someone and was in extreme shock. Seryosong you won’t imagine my crying face because it is the hardest I have ever cried in a long time. I mean I do cry on a regular basis (because that’s just me as a person) but this sort of crying was very different. Very. Very. Different. It’s far more worse than the crying face I had when my (ex) friends broke my heart!

So after crying, I prayed and cried again some more. Feeding myself with doubt while ignoring how painful my cramp-y legs and feet are. I told myself that I might not be capable of this and that. That maybe, just maybe I overestimated myself. That I am not good enough for this et cetera.

I was thinking to myself how scary (shit) this might be and this is all new to me and maybe I am not capable of growth. Basically, I am scared. Hella scared if I am being completely honest. It’s not me to just dive right in but that’s exactly what I am about to do and even if the finish line is not yet within my reach (wala pang schedule for the final process) I think I’m about to immerse myself into something I have not tried before and that is scaring me!

I fell asleep with cramps and tears still in my eyes then when I woke up, I prayed again and asked the Lord if he thinks I am good for this and that I can be what I think I could be. Well, he didn’t answer right away but I kept thinking to myself that He wouldn’t have let me go this far if I am not good enough for it anyway. I think our conversation would go something like this:

Me: God, am I good enough for this? Lord God, would I be able to get through this in all my days?

God: What do you think?

So I went on with my day and let the other days passed without getting super anxious and stressed about it. Then just now, I came across a quote saying “Always go with the choice that scares you the most because that is the one that’s going to help you grow”

If this isn’t God’s way of telling me that I can do it and that it is what’s in store for me, then I don’t know what is.

I hope I don’t jinx it and right now I am definitely hoping I get the part. So please pray with and for me my dear friends.

P.S. I still can’t get over the fact that I was heavily crying, intensely crying. More than diamond star, mega star, star of all seasons kind of crying!! Guys!!!!


Random Tuesday

I don’t like Tuesdays because as I have observed, Tuesday is the new Monday (while Thursday is the new Friday) but when it comes to traffic, there’s really no telling how much of a hassle it will be especially if you live in one of the most problematic cities in the Metro—Pasig.

I am extra lazy today because I am still recuperating from the (fun but) stressful weekend I had so I am only reading inspirations for articles I have yet to accomplish for work. Meanwhile, I am about to doze off when my officemate said we should get coffee. The 4 of us went out of the building and went to the nearest Starbucks. Let me just say that I am not a huge fan of starbucks because their coffee is overpriced but whatever. I don’t have my coffee maker here so Starbucks wins for the day. I tried out their Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew. I like my coffee strong with nothing really fuzzy and fancy going on so I ordered it. Turns out it tastes just like Mcdonald’s iced coffee LOL. I wish I walked more and went to Mcds instead but there are things we did on a whim and though headed to the road of regret, there’s no point in wishing to alter what has been done because—well, it has been done.

As I am getting over the fact that I wasted a good 175 peso on this coffee and worrying that in an hour I will be palpitating or may suffer from acid reflux, all is good in the world today.

I guess no day is perfect but at least my Tuesday is okay, normal to say the least.

As of writing, 5 minutes after about 10 sips of 3 tablespoons of coffee, my head is pounding. Maybe because of the fact that I was really sleepy a while ago?

What random thing can I inject in this pointless blog post? Oh. I was told about a dozen of times by different people to wear a lipstick color brighter than the usual color I wear. I could be a bitch and tell them that I don’t need their opinion or try listening to other people for a change? So I bought myself “long lasting liquid lipstick” from BLK. Not my brand. I use NYX on a daily basis because they’re really nice and wear off gracefully but NYX was nowhere to be found the last time I was at the mall so I went ahead and bought BLK. The color is decent. For once I am listening to other people’s opinion hahaha but this BLK long lasting liquid lipstick sucks out the moisture in my lips and it wears off leaving ugly stains and patch like tidbits on my lips. So uncool. I bought one for Amielle too but we wouldn’t be able to see each other because she’s leaving soon plus the lippie is not nice so I guess I’ll just have to use it.

Hmm. What else? Oh, I am planning like a million years ago to update my everyday reads blog page but I have not because whenever I ask you guys to comment if you want to be there, nobody really does hahahaha maybe you may want to tell me in this post if you want to be added on my everyday reads (if you have not been added yet) ??? Cause seriously, I’m asking hah!

I don’t think I’ll be able to finish this drink. I’m starting to palpitate. HAHAHA but I have to.

So while I’m palpitating, I’m off to read your blogs now!

Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.

Nothing Worth It Ever Comes Easy

In many many instances, I definitely believe in the saying that nothing worth it ever comes easy. You really need to work hard for it. However, being human—my pride and ego gets the best of me for a moment until I snap back to reality once and for all.

I am not even there yet but I am almost on the verge of quitting. The process was hard, everything was hard and intense. From the screening to the interview, to the exam to the experience—it’s all mind blowing and kind of disheartening to be honest. Disheartening because I don’t see myself THIS strong. Not strong enough for this. But after a sleepless night, after thinking it all through. I realized a lot of things.

  1. There are people dying to be in this position. I mean I am not done yet, I am not even in THE position per se but I’ve been through the elimination processes and there are people I know who would want to be where I am right now yet I am just going to throw it all away because it was hard?
  2. I was thinking that I am comfortable with where I am right now but then I realized this is the exact same thing why I wanted OUT. Why I wanted to leave. It was too comfortable and I am not growing as an individual. I’m just like a slave or a robot doing the same thing over and over again.
  3. It was arrogant of me to think that I am way too good to have a hard time. For a second, I thought that I was just punishing myself. I knocked some senses in me because I am nowhere near good! So the least I can do is to work harder and harder every waking day of my life.
  4. If I want this so bad, why don’t I work for it as hard? Diba.
  5. It is much more fulfilling to have worked so hard for something so good in the end. I mean, I may have bad days and extremely tiring ones but when I reach the top, it will all be worth it naman diba.

Like I also tell myself, naguumpisa palang ako. This is only the tip of the iceberg. Mental, physical, emotional stress ang aabutin ko dito but if it was easy, will it be worth it? Hindi siguro.

Pray for me still. Huuuuhuu.

Also, I’m so sorry TFIOB family (as if naman gustong gusto nila ako makasama hahahaha) that I was not able to join you yesterday June 3, 2018. It was a once in a lifetime experience but I missed it. Please forgive me and let’s set another one ulit pleaaase huhuhu. ❤

Blessed Month!

I am still surprised that May is over already.

Towards the end of every months, I’d always say “thank God it’s over!” or “Finally!!” but I liked May. I think May liked me too.

May has been a terrific month for me. There weren’t anything that was too hard to handle. No anxiety or panic attacks that made me cry randomly, no sleepless nights, my grumpiness was at a tolerable level, my stress-o-meter was on a normal scale, everything is just lining up for me and nothing was too hard! I guess, there were ultimately difficult things I went through from other months so I guess May is this really easy peasy time for me.

Actually, both April and May are fantastic. I am super blessed and I did feel great for the past two months ya know.

But this month, I felt that there was an outpour of blessings for me, my family, friends and loved ones. I was continued to be blessed with healing. Blessed to still have friends who are there for me and I think, this is the month wherein I got really closer to God. I didn’t think I’d be feeling this way. I didn’t expect that being closer to Him feels so good, like nothing can go wrong, or if anything goes wrong I’ll be fine. That kind of feeling! So watch out for what I’ll be sharing with you about these experiences and spiritual encounters with God.

Work is meh and even blah. It does pay the bills but I am beginning to see myself desperate, pathetic. I know I want a hefty pay check if that’s possible but it isn’t always the money to be honest. I love mundane, I like routine, I like comfort but for once this isn’t the comfort I want. I am not learning, I am not growing and I don’t see that people like to see people grow here. Y’know what I mean? But overall, life is pretty good this month! (except my feelings toward work)

In a nutshell, May is a remarkable month. I’d always remember feeling light, easy and happy because of the blessings I received! Soooo happy! (I wrote “so dope” but it sounded as if I was a tita tryna be cool like?? Hahaha)

Be in control. Think before you act.

Before deciding on doing something, we have to think about it first. The situation, the people, will it hurt them, will it improve them, what good does it do to you and other people, do you have the best interest. These are some of the many things we have to consider before planning on doing something. Let’s not go very far, looking back, let’s see what happened.

  1. Ranting about other people – when you rant about other people you sometimes don’t know if you’re doing it all the time because if you do—then you’re becoming toxic. The thing you can do here is to see other people in a different light before letting your emotions take over you. When you try to understand people, you become more patient. When you are patient, you don’t tend to rant about other people’s actions anymore because you are more understanding of their situation and what is going on.
  2. Shaming others and turning others against an individual – first off, this is basically wrong in so many levels. So you shouldn’t actually do that if you are a rational human being to begin with. But if you are on the verge of doing so and you are about to blow, try putting yourself in the shoes of the individual you’re about to destroy. If it will hurt you, others may be hurt too right? Aside from that, what will you achieve if you did that? Oh right, a special place in hell. So if you don’t want that special place near Satan, you have to re-evaluate your thoughts and actions.
  3. Getting angry with people – emotions are always valid, nobody can tell you that you have no right to be angry however, harbouring anger only burdens YOU more than it will burden other people. If you feel angry, think if you also did something that made other people angry. If so, what were their reaction, what actions did they take? Did they have a go with you? There’s no telling how people handle anger, but there’s always self-control. Instead of being angry, try a different method to cope with the situation or the person that makes you feel the way you feel.

Starting to live a more peaceful and stressful life is a struggle. It’s never going to be easy because we’re only human and sometimes, we can’t think rationally when our emotions take over our body. However, we have a choice. It’s either you let your feelings take over (which we all know don’t really help in the long run) or use your mind and think about everything first.

Be in control. Think before you act.

Love Like Jesus Daw

Putting “love like Jesus” to practice is hard but fulfilling, refreshing even if I am being completely honest.

Sunday, May 27, 2018 at church, we were told about Love being the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That even if we are given the gifts of the Holy Spirit and do not have the fruit, everything goes to waste.

The fruit that they are saying is Love and the indication of Love and the basis of it is to love like Jesus. Like the kindness and the most understanding heart there is in the face of the eart, that’s the kind of love you will need to have within you.

When someone pisses you off, instead of being mean to that person or giving that person the taste of their own medicine, choose to love like Jesus.

When your partner is being extra difficult, choose to love like Jesus.

When we are insulted, scrutinized in the most embarrassing way, instead of dwelling on anger and shame, choose to love like Jesus.

How to do that? See the best in these people, see the good in a bad situation. Choose to see the light. Do not give in to pride, anger, sorrow, pain. Look for the love inside your heart .

Someone in the office is being extra mean to me. Making me feel unworthy, making me feel that somehow, sometimes I am not welcome. This person makes me feel like she is a friend but her meanness would radiate and being an emphatic and an INFJ, I know very well someone’s intentions and feelings towards me. I just don’t do well with confrontations but I know well what they think of me. Now, that person tests me every day—today included. But since learning about how to love like Jesus, I am putting it to practice. I will not give in to the mean acts of this person. I will not feel negatively or feel hurt. All I will do is be the best that I am, and try seeing that person on a different light. You know it’s hard to love like Jesus right? It’s hard when people are extremely brutal, it’s hard when you get bullied, it’s hard when you are so determined to stand up for yourself just this once but come to think of it, it will be easier to just let it go and love instead of harbouring pain, anger and hurt. Mas mahirap magbitbit ng mga bagaheng nakakasakit kaysa sa bitawan ito ng tuluyan.

Practice loving like Jesus and maybe it’s for the better. Maybe you’ll feel better.