Welcoming the 12th Month of the Year

Can I just say that Ari’s Thank U, Next is how I want to close 2018? Hah! It’s very timely.


Anyway, I am writing this on the 1st day of the last month of 2018 and I can’t help but feel actually happy that this year is almost over. It wasn’t the best but thankfully, it wasn’t that bad either! So here’s stuff I want to share with you:

  1. It has been a year of healing for me. I’ve spent so many days learning to let go, embracing my journey to moving on from the pain. No matter how slow my progress has been, this year made me really go for it, yaknowamseyn?
  2. This year is when Kyx and I finally moved on to a different stage of our relationship. We veered off from our pettiness without even noticing it so I’m all for it! I loved it!
  3. There has been so many heartaches I faced this year but what’s good to point out is that it wasn’t about anything from the past. They’re mere heartaches of the present and there’s something about it that makes me feel stronger? Like at least I am dealing with present things right?
  4. I’ve finally learned how to love myself. I mean we all have the notion of loving ourselves but not really knowing how to do it and how it works. This year taught me that and made me realize how I should take care of myself.
  5. No more forced interactions just so I could be called “nice” or “polite” and that means a fuck ton for me. I love just being true to myself now more than ever.
  6. I’ve prepared myself for what’s in store for me in 2019. I mean I know 2019 would be a lot tougher compared to 2018 but I’d like to say that I’m stronger so it’s going to be fine won’t it?
  7. I’m actually excited for the days to come. My doors are open, I’m ready for more growth, for more opportunities!

2018, you were really awesome. I mean you didn’t mean for life to be this dumb for me but I had a good time. I’ve had loads of memories both good and bad, not to mention all the stuff I’ve learned! I’m sorry I want this year to be over but you’re unforgettable anyway *wink wink*

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Hayy Life

Bago ko ito sinulat, meron akong sinulat na super raw as in yung feelings ko andon lahat. Hahahahah so dito sa version na ito, itatry kong hindi ako galit haha.

Minsan talaga dadating sa puntong akala mo ubos na ubos ka na pero may pipiga pa rin sayo, sasairin ka. Andon ako sa puntong yon. Andon ako sa pagod na pagod ako sa buhay ko to the point na gusto kong umalis, maglaho at wag nang bumalik. Gusto ko mag-iba ng identity at manirahan nalang sa kung saan walang nakakakilala sa akin. Pero hindi ko alam kung sobrang katapangan yon na talikuran ang lahat ng bagay o kaduwagan. Ikaw nalang mamili kung ano sa tingin mo yon.

Alam kong maliit lang itong mga iniinda ko. Pero siguro dadating ka nga talaga sa mga ganitong punto, may mga moments na hindi mo na din alam ano gagawin mo kahit na simpleng bagay lang naman yon, kahit pwedeng hindi na isipin, iniisip ko pa rin.

  1. Saan ka nakakita na hindi mo naman utang pero ikaw ang nagbabayad????? Gusto ko tumawa talaga pero baka habang tumatawa ako ng malakas maiyak ako hahaha bakit ganito ang kapalaran mga mamsh??? Tapos may nasasabi pa sayo???? Vhaketttt hahah
  2. Yung mga bayarin na malalaki sinasalo mo kasi wala nang ibang sasalo. Yung taong originally nagbabayad non wala daw pera ngayon pero san ka pa, may maraming bagong mamahaling shoes hahahahaa saya saya!
  3. Yung tuition na originally babayaran ko hindi ko mabayaran dahil sa 1 and 2 tapos parang kasalanan ko ngayon kasi san na ako kukuha ng pambayad na yon???? Kasi binayad ko na sa mga bagay na hindi naman dun nakalaan ang pera ko pero ano gagawin???

Shuta pagod na pagod ako mga bakla. Hindi ko kinakaya ang laging MMK nalang ang nangyayari.

Okay lang ako sa role ko, naiintindihan ko na kahit pang-apat ako sa pinakamatanda eh ako na ang tatayong bread winner para sa bunsong kapatid ko at sa nanay ko kasi walang ibang gagawa. Tanggap ko yon pero hindi ako magpapakaplastic na sasabihin kong hindi ako napapagod. Napapagod talaga akong sadya. Tapos bukod pa diyan, hindi ka maiintindihan ng ibang tao kung bakit tumatanggi ka sa pagsama sakanila sa mga laboy, hindi maiintindihan kung bakit hindi ka nakakapagreply sa mga chat lalo na mga kamaganak ko sa tatay ko na juskooooo poooo hindi lang ako makareply talagang dami nang sinasabi sakin. Ratrat na ako ng mga hindi manlang daw ako makaalala. Jusko po sa dinami dami ng iniisip ko unahin ko pa ba mag gaganyan?

Tapos alangan namang isa isahin mo sakanila yung mga pinagdadaanan mo sa buhay diba? Diba hindi naman madaling gawin yon.

Pagod na pagod ka pero hindi ka pwedeng sumuko. Hindi ka pwedeng maawa sa sarili mo kasi kailangan mong magfocus sa goals mo, may mga taong umaasa sayo kaya sila yung mas uunahin mo kaysa sa sarili mo.

Kaya sige. Bahala na. Bahala na si God kung papaano ko malalampasan ito.

Mercruy Retrograde or PMS siguro kaya stressed ako ng bongga pero wapakels na. Kailangang ko kumayod. Happy Monday!

Magandang Paalala

Ang dami kong sinulat about ditto pero ang daming palabok kaya ulitin ko nalang. Straight to the point nalang.

Don’t get me wrong, nireremind ko din yung sarili ko nito kasi minsan kailangan natin iremind ang mga sarili natin lalo na kapag ang dami na nating hanash sa buhay at parang nakakaapekto na tayo ng ibang tao. So eto na:

In this life, hindi laging ikaw ang magaling. Hindi pwedeng laging ikaw ang bida. Hindi porket magaling ka, ikaw nalang ang laging magaling at tama to the point na hindi ka na nakikinig sa suggestions ng ibang tao. You close your mind sa mga ideas ng ibang tao kasi tingin mo ikaw lang yung laging tama. You won’t go that far kung ganyan ang mindset mo. When you try to control every single thing, bukod sa hindi ka na pleasant kasama at kausap, nakakainis pa na ang tingin mo sa ibang tao ay walang utak at hindi nagiisip. So again, sana isipin natin na ang lawak ng mundo, ang daming matututunan, ang daming taong may alam pa ng mga ibang bagay bukod sa iyo so be open for learning, welcome the opportunities for growth.

Wag tayong bida bida lagi.

Wag Sabihin Kung Hindi Kayang Gawin

Gusto ko lang sabihin na wag nating madalas sabihin yung I love you at dudugtungan pa ng “no matter what” kung hindi natin kayang panindigan.

Ang love kasi napakalalim niyan. Big word. Ganern. Hindi siya madaling gawin.

For me, love in general is loving that person despite everything. Love is having faith in that person and if you don’t love that person enough, yan papasok yung you will have to walk away and no I’m not saying that’s wrong, kasi lahat ng bagay may hangganan. But all I’m saying is napakahirap ng pagmamahal. Hindi yan madaling ibigay sa friends, family at ibang tao kasi ang hirap magmahal.

Kasi pag mahal mo, mahal mo even in the tough times. You find yourself forgiving people and understanding them because that’s how much love you have. You forget about the pain and hurt they may have caused you lalo na yung petty things because love is so much stronger than the hurt diba?

Kaya nga sinasabi nila yung love daw nakakabobo, nakakatanga. Kasi in reality nga papatawarin mo ng paulit ulit kahit gaanong kasakit, paulit ulit mong papakinggan with the hope na hindi na mauulit yung masama o masakit na ginawa. If hindi mo yan magawa for someone, then your love isn’t that deep.

Ang dami kong friends na sobrang love na love naming ang isa’t isa pero nasan na sila ngayon? Sometimes you only love a person when it’s convenient. You love a person when everything is right for the both of you. If nahurt ka, if may maling nagawa sayo, all of a sudden hindi mo na mahal without even thinking nab aka ikaw may mali ka rin na nagawa.

Loving someone only when it is convenient is not love at all.

And napatunayan ko yan sa nanay ko at kay Kyx.

Well my mom, given na yan talaga kasi sobrang mahal niya ako at lahat ng anak niya.

Kay Kyx naman, ang dami kong moments. Lalo na yung anxiety attacks ko na nagsusuffer din siya when I suffer. Pwede naman siyang umayaw, pwede naman siyang bumitaw but he never does. Alam niyo yung sa pelikula yung sobrang hirap na mahalin nung isang tao tapos umiiyak na sila pareho kasi sobrang sakit na pero may isang yayakap tapos magyayakapan nalang sila ng mahigpit habang umiiyak? Yun yung love. Yun yung “despite of”. Yung yayakapin mo nalang lahat ng sakit kasi mas masakit mawala yung taong yun so you welcome the pain instead tapos si love na ang bahalang umaway kay pain. Kasi eventually, the pain goes away when the love stays strong.

Kaya nga kung hindi natin kayang gawin yan, wag na nating sinasabi.

What Have You Been Watching?

Though I am completely ashamed to admit that I have not opened a book for the last 4 months and read it intently or even try finishing it, I’ll go about this post—sharing with you what I have watched for the past months and how I loved it.

Anime

  • Boku no Hero or My Hero Academia – this is an anime you can easily watch on Netflix and on Kiss anime. ANG GANDA NIYA I SWEAR. The story revolves around Deku, a “quirkless” kid who aspires to be a superhero. In the story, everyone in the world has “quirks” aka superpowers they can use to become a hero if they want to. Basta like their everyday lives typically involves heroes and villains na parang normal siya haha. Watch it and see Deku’s adventures! HUHU SUPER GANDA (for me haha)
  • Gakuen Babysitters – I watched it on Kiss anime. The story is about brothers Ryuichi and Kotaro who have recently been orphaned because of a tragedy. The story is heartwarming, light and super funny!

Movie

  • This is 40 – I love Leslie Mann so much so though this movie could be a little dragging, I still enjoyed it. It’s a sequel to the movie Knocked Up. Funny but dragging heh.

Series

  • Haunting of The Hill House – don’t be fooled by its scary façade. This mini-series is more than just the typical scary story. It’s terrifying but it didn’t need to use too much jump scares and ugly looking creatures, the story is creepy, dramatic and AMAZING. You have to watch it huhu.
  • The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina – I’m on the 5th episode and I am not interested anymore. Hopefully I get to finish it one of these days but to be honest, I prefer the Melissa Joan Hart kind of Sabrina story line hehehe.
  • Grey’s Anatomy – I’m still on the first season and so far, I’m liking it.
  • American Horror Story “Murder House” – I finished the whole season in less than 24 hours and my eyes hurt so bad hahaha. I loved it. I was so weirded out at first but then I got the hang of it and found myself enjoying the story. I skipped Asylum (the 2nd season) and jump right to Coven. So far, I’m enjoying it.

I haven’t started on the latest HTGAWM yet because I’m waiting for it to be on Netflix he he he.

What are the things you’ve been watching lately?

I really recommend watching My Hero Academia and Haunting of The Hill House. Watch it you guyssss!!!

Things to Remember When Insecurities Creep In

There are days when you simply don’t feel good enough about yourself that it takes extra effort to like how you look and this is one of those days. I ate insecurities for breakfast today so I don’t know what’s up. I can’t blame my hormones again or the planets, it’s just plain insecurities creeping in when you least expect it.

I knew it was a bad idea to check someone’s profile but I still did because I’m an idiot. So I saw this beautiful photo and though I know it’s heavily made up (as in gawang make-up artist talaga, mukang wedding stuff levels ganern) plus the fact that I know how that person truly looks like under the make-up, I still felt ugly. (hoy althea, bakit insecure ka masyado???? Oa mo)

I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough. That I am not beautiful and I look like shit. And though I know it’s not 100% true (the fact that I look like shit cause we all know I don’t really HAHAHAHAH) why did I feel shitty?

I don’t know. So here’s something we can all agree on when insecurities are served for breakfast, lunch and supper.

Things To Remember:

  1. Do not go checking someone’s profile or look at someone’s photo when you know you’ll end up regretting it. (wag kang pacheck check kung mapapangitan ka sa sarili mo after mo makita ang “after” photo from the make-up artist)
  2. People do not post unflattering photos of them most of the time. (so anong problema mo diba? Alam naman natin pare-pareho na kung ano ang maganda, yun ang ipopost)
  3. Stop eating insecurities any time of the day. It will not do you any good. (ang daming food choices for breakfast like self-love, acceptance, care and understanding, bakit insecurities ang napili mo today?)
  4. We are all created different and equal. Stop looking at Brenda’s and Susan’s. At the end of the day, everyone is beautiful and ugly all at the same time. I mean everyone feels the same thing and they just don’t say it. (quits lang gurl)
  5. The surface do not matter as much as what’s on the inside. Your soul should always be the more beautiful one than your face.

Here’s What is Inside My Head

There’s just so much resentment upon realizations that I can’t even bring myself to write about it. I am attempting to do so but it just doesn’t feel right.

I wanted to write about a lot of people who have been a part of the past now like my ex best friend but words seem to sound sadder than I actually feel? I mean I’m not sad about it. In fact, I feel that I have given myself the closure I wanted others to give me and it felt really nice. I just don’t want this to sound like another sob story but then I will keep thinking about it so let’s just give it a go.

Ang dami ko pang sinabi dun din naman pala mapupunta haha.

  1. To my ex best friends. If I think about who is to blame in all the chaos we went through, I can’t think of someone hahaha. Maybe because I have accepted the fact that partly, I was to blame for it, had I not been the maldita person that I was, then we wouldn’t have been entangled to this in the first place. But have you? Have you also realized what I realized? That maybe it was also partly your fault? Hahaha. I just want to say that I needed to acknowledge and verbalize what you did that hurt me in the middle of all these so I can fully forgive. I forgive you for turning your back on me and giving up on the friendship. I forgive you for not even trying to listen to what I had to say. I forgive you for being so unforgiving in those trying times. I forgive you for basically thinking that parting ways was the most ideal thing to do but that destroyed me so fucking much and I want you to know that. But I forgive you both for everything because I know that what you did to me was wrong and that you hurt me and I didn’t deserve that. My pity party was over as soon as I realized that I wouldn’t have hurt someone I love the way you guys did but that’s okay because now, I know that I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment so I tried to forgive you. It took me a year and a half to do so but I forgive you now. I am praying that one day, you also realize the pain you caused me and though I am not going to want you to ask for forgiveness, the mere realization of it is enough.
  2. To this person who I recently did the INFJ door slam, what you asked me with that accusatory tone—don’t deny that it was filled with malice *eyes rolling* offended me. It was a bit too low of you to do that and though I know you probably didn’t mean it the way you did 5 minutes after saying it, I already took it to heart and all the millions of second chances I gave you so graciously has been thrown out of the window in a split second and boy I am not even sorry. You are always unappreciative of people’s effort in reaching out to you but that’s not my problem anymore. I’m just saying. And for you to think that I would tell a soul about what you said is an insult. You have insulted me in so many ways and the sad part is you don’t even know it. You always tell people you’re sensitive but truly sensitive people also know if they have crossed a line one way or another. You failed to even feel bad for what you did so how is that even sensitive? You are not worthy of my time and energy and even the friendship I was willing to give so goodbye.

Okay, now I’m done and I cannot wait to be able to celebrate my mother’s birthday! Woop!