Hayy Life

Bago ko ito sinulat, meron akong sinulat na super raw as in yung feelings ko andon lahat. Hahahahah so dito sa version na ito, itatry kong hindi ako galit haha.

Minsan talaga dadating sa puntong akala mo ubos na ubos ka na pero may pipiga pa rin sayo, sasairin ka. Andon ako sa puntong yon. Andon ako sa pagod na pagod ako sa buhay ko to the point na gusto kong umalis, maglaho at wag nang bumalik. Gusto ko mag-iba ng identity at manirahan nalang sa kung saan walang nakakakilala sa akin. Pero hindi ko alam kung sobrang katapangan yon na talikuran ang lahat ng bagay o kaduwagan. Ikaw nalang mamili kung ano sa tingin mo yon.

Alam kong maliit lang itong mga iniinda ko. Pero siguro dadating ka nga talaga sa mga ganitong punto, may mga moments na hindi mo na din alam ano gagawin mo kahit na simpleng bagay lang naman yon, kahit pwedeng hindi na isipin, iniisip ko pa rin.

  1. Saan ka nakakita na hindi mo naman utang pero ikaw ang nagbabayad????? Gusto ko tumawa talaga pero baka habang tumatawa ako ng malakas maiyak ako hahaha bakit ganito ang kapalaran mga mamsh??? Tapos may nasasabi pa sayo???? Vhaketttt hahah
  2. Yung mga bayarin na malalaki sinasalo mo kasi wala nang ibang sasalo. Yung taong originally nagbabayad non wala daw pera ngayon pero san ka pa, may maraming bagong mamahaling shoes hahahahaa saya saya!
  3. Yung tuition na originally babayaran ko hindi ko mabayaran dahil sa 1 and 2 tapos parang kasalanan ko ngayon kasi san na ako kukuha ng pambayad na yon???? Kasi binayad ko na sa mga bagay na hindi naman dun nakalaan ang pera ko pero ano gagawin???

Shuta pagod na pagod ako mga bakla. Hindi ko kinakaya ang laging MMK nalang ang nangyayari.

Okay lang ako sa role ko, naiintindihan ko na kahit pang-apat ako sa pinakamatanda eh ako na ang tatayong bread winner para sa bunsong kapatid ko at sa nanay ko kasi walang ibang gagawa. Tanggap ko yon pero hindi ako magpapakaplastic na sasabihin kong hindi ako napapagod. Napapagod talaga akong sadya. Tapos bukod pa diyan, hindi ka maiintindihan ng ibang tao kung bakit tumatanggi ka sa pagsama sakanila sa mga laboy, hindi maiintindihan kung bakit hindi ka nakakapagreply sa mga chat lalo na mga kamaganak ko sa tatay ko na juskooooo poooo hindi lang ako makareply talagang dami nang sinasabi sakin. Ratrat na ako ng mga hindi manlang daw ako makaalala. Jusko po sa dinami dami ng iniisip ko unahin ko pa ba mag gaganyan?

Tapos alangan namang isa isahin mo sakanila yung mga pinagdadaanan mo sa buhay diba? Diba hindi naman madaling gawin yon.

Pagod na pagod ka pero hindi ka pwedeng sumuko. Hindi ka pwedeng maawa sa sarili mo kasi kailangan mong magfocus sa goals mo, may mga taong umaasa sayo kaya sila yung mas uunahin mo kaysa sa sarili mo.

Kaya sige. Bahala na. Bahala na si God kung papaano ko malalampasan ito.

Mercruy Retrograde or PMS siguro kaya stressed ako ng bongga pero wapakels na. Kailangang ko kumayod. Happy Monday!

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Wag Sabihin Kung Hindi Kayang Gawin

Gusto ko lang sabihin na wag nating madalas sabihin yung I love you at dudugtungan pa ng “no matter what” kung hindi natin kayang panindigan.

Ang love kasi napakalalim niyan. Big word. Ganern. Hindi siya madaling gawin.

For me, love in general is loving that person despite everything. Love is having faith in that person and if you don’t love that person enough, yan papasok yung you will have to walk away and no I’m not saying that’s wrong, kasi lahat ng bagay may hangganan. But all I’m saying is napakahirap ng pagmamahal. Hindi yan madaling ibigay sa friends, family at ibang tao kasi ang hirap magmahal.

Kasi pag mahal mo, mahal mo even in the tough times. You find yourself forgiving people and understanding them because that’s how much love you have. You forget about the pain and hurt they may have caused you lalo na yung petty things because love is so much stronger than the hurt diba?

Kaya nga sinasabi nila yung love daw nakakabobo, nakakatanga. Kasi in reality nga papatawarin mo ng paulit ulit kahit gaanong kasakit, paulit ulit mong papakinggan with the hope na hindi na mauulit yung masama o masakit na ginawa. If hindi mo yan magawa for someone, then your love isn’t that deep.

Ang dami kong friends na sobrang love na love naming ang isa’t isa pero nasan na sila ngayon? Sometimes you only love a person when it’s convenient. You love a person when everything is right for the both of you. If nahurt ka, if may maling nagawa sayo, all of a sudden hindi mo na mahal without even thinking nab aka ikaw may mali ka rin na nagawa.

Loving someone only when it is convenient is not love at all.

And napatunayan ko yan sa nanay ko at kay Kyx.

Well my mom, given na yan talaga kasi sobrang mahal niya ako at lahat ng anak niya.

Kay Kyx naman, ang dami kong moments. Lalo na yung anxiety attacks ko na nagsusuffer din siya when I suffer. Pwede naman siyang umayaw, pwede naman siyang bumitaw but he never does. Alam niyo yung sa pelikula yung sobrang hirap na mahalin nung isang tao tapos umiiyak na sila pareho kasi sobrang sakit na pero may isang yayakap tapos magyayakapan nalang sila ng mahigpit habang umiiyak? Yun yung love. Yun yung “despite of”. Yung yayakapin mo nalang lahat ng sakit kasi mas masakit mawala yung taong yun so you welcome the pain instead tapos si love na ang bahalang umaway kay pain. Kasi eventually, the pain goes away when the love stays strong.

Kaya nga kung hindi natin kayang gawin yan, wag na nating sinasabi.

Here’s What is Inside My Head

There’s just so much resentment upon realizations that I can’t even bring myself to write about it. I am attempting to do so but it just doesn’t feel right.

I wanted to write about a lot of people who have been a part of the past now like my ex best friend but words seem to sound sadder than I actually feel? I mean I’m not sad about it. In fact, I feel that I have given myself the closure I wanted others to give me and it felt really nice. I just don’t want this to sound like another sob story but then I will keep thinking about it so let’s just give it a go.

Ang dami ko pang sinabi dun din naman pala mapupunta haha.

  1. To my ex best friends. If I think about who is to blame in all the chaos we went through, I can’t think of someone hahaha. Maybe because I have accepted the fact that partly, I was to blame for it, had I not been the maldita person that I was, then we wouldn’t have been entangled to this in the first place. But have you? Have you also realized what I realized? That maybe it was also partly your fault? Hahaha. I just want to say that I needed to acknowledge and verbalize what you did that hurt me in the middle of all these so I can fully forgive. I forgive you for turning your back on me and giving up on the friendship. I forgive you for not even trying to listen to what I had to say. I forgive you for being so unforgiving in those trying times. I forgive you for basically thinking that parting ways was the most ideal thing to do but that destroyed me so fucking much and I want you to know that. But I forgive you both for everything because I know that what you did to me was wrong and that you hurt me and I didn’t deserve that. My pity party was over as soon as I realized that I wouldn’t have hurt someone I love the way you guys did but that’s okay because now, I know that I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment so I tried to forgive you. It took me a year and a half to do so but I forgive you now. I am praying that one day, you also realize the pain you caused me and though I am not going to want you to ask for forgiveness, the mere realization of it is enough.
  2. To this person who I recently did the INFJ door slam, what you asked me with that accusatory tone—don’t deny that it was filled with malice *eyes rolling* offended me. It was a bit too low of you to do that and though I know you probably didn’t mean it the way you did 5 minutes after saying it, I already took it to heart and all the millions of second chances I gave you so graciously has been thrown out of the window in a split second and boy I am not even sorry. You are always unappreciative of people’s effort in reaching out to you but that’s not my problem anymore. I’m just saying. And for you to think that I would tell a soul about what you said is an insult. You have insulted me in so many ways and the sad part is you don’t even know it. You always tell people you’re sensitive but truly sensitive people also know if they have crossed a line one way or another. You failed to even feel bad for what you did so how is that even sensitive? You are not worthy of my time and energy and even the friendship I was willing to give so goodbye.

Okay, now I’m done and I cannot wait to be able to celebrate my mother’s birthday! Woop!

“hold on to the ones who really care”

“You have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. You go through all the pain and strife then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast.

So hold on to the ones who really care ‘cause in the end they’ll be the only ones there. When you get old and start losing your hair, can you tell me who will still care?”

If we only just take this song more seriously than all its pop glory, we can save ourselves from so many heartaches. Or not. But still.


Nakagawian ko nang tapusin ang mga sentences ko sa mga nakakainis na “or not” “but still” “so”. Bakit ako ganito? Nakakahiya. Sana hindi makita ng Prof ko to kahit kelan haha.

One Day At A Time

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you’d see how much I’ve struggled with keeping my sanity while loving myself and caring for myself. You probably saw me in my highs and lows through whatever I have written, how dramatic I have been, how emotionally wrecked I was, how I kept going back and forth with moving forward and clinging to the past. It has been a crazy crazy ride but since September started, I don’t know if it was because of the moon, stars and planets, but I have come to fully embrace self-care and self-love without struggling too much. (I’m actually surprised that it has not been that HARD anymore! Maybe I am really learning how to move on from all the drama right?)

3rd week: My progress is slow but triumphant. It feels like I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel like I’m pushing myself hard, it’s not like I’m forcing myself to feel emotions I don’t want to feel.

What have I been doing? Yoga and healthy eating aside, here are the things I do:

  • I am focusing on improving myself without asking or seeking other people’s validation and approval.
  • I just do things the way I feel is right.
  • I keep away from people who give me negative emotions (however, I don’t take it at heart because I don’t take it at ALL)
  • I don’t live for other people. I used to wake up, get off my ass and please every single person. Agree with them to avoid potential conflict (which I’ve learned that might backfire in the future so I stopped this way of living) now I live for myself and the people I love especially my family.
  • I don’t try to fit in. If people don’t like me and I can sense they’re talking about me behind my back or subtweeting about me or scrutinizing my every move I won’t care about that person anymore. If ayaw mo sa akin at masyado kang maraming sinasabi about me, I will let you go. Hindi ko ipipilit sarili ko.

So far, these are my observations and I feel really good about myself lately and that’s amazing!

Tuesday’s Gray

Before I write about HOW (fucking) FANTASTIC last week (plus Monday) was, I must write about my Tuesday and my moments.

Today is the first day of work in this week and I just dragged myself here. I do not have the will to go to work plus my allergies are so bad I just want to lay in bed, watch Desperate Housewives or cry over things I wanted to cry about. But instead, I’m at work and I feel so lost. Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m confused or lost. They seem to have this notion that I look so sure about myself (that’s a good thing I guess. I take it as a good thing and I’m not even sorry lol) when deep inside, I am falling apart—not in a depressive manner at least. But I am falling apart in terms of not-wanting-to-do-shit-any-fucking-more kind of falling apart.

I also would like to note that last Saturday, on our way to my friend’s baby shower, we got SUPER stuck in traffic that I have re-evaluated my life already, got sad and got comforted by God’s grace in the end. Ang lala hahaha

Well, for me to feel this way, I am thinking which planet/s is/are in retrograde because I’m definitely not myself. I’m just glad that Mercury is done with its retrograde but other planets are still in retrograde which makes it hard for me to keep up. Hayyy, self.

I was planning to write separate posts for my fantastic week last week but I’ll just cram it up in one entry he he he he.

Happy 1st, TFIOB!

TFIOB is a group of Filipino bloggers turned friends.

Through this group, I met people that I have grown to love and be friends with. Through this group, I realized that the world is bigger than I could have ever imagined. Through this people, I found what I lost.

Happy 1st year TFIOB!

Kahit lagi niyo ako inaasar, kahit lagi akong late, kahit lagi niyo pinupuna yung dede ko lagi naman din kayong andiyan para sa akin at sa lahat ng ibang may kailangan ng kaibigan. Minsan OP ako ganern kasi lagi akong wala pero keri lang naman kasi pag nagkita kita naman na ulit, masaya pa rin hahaha.

Ang dami dami niyo ang hirap isa isahin hahaha ayokong may malimutan ako.

Una sa lahat, Space. My labs, ikaw yung kaibigan ko na kahit hindi araw araw makausap, andiyan lang lagi para sakin. Yung tipong ipagtatanggol ako pag inaapi ako. Nagpapaligaya sakin, kausap ko sa mga oras na down ako o imbey. Ikaw na ikaw lahat haha.

Amielle, ikaw yung baby sister type of friend. Yung kahit hindi tayo naguusap nagkakaparamdaman tayo ng mga hanash sa buhay, sana wag tayo magbago sa isa’t isa. Stay put ka lang diyan haha.

Kate, yung eye opener, friend na walang BS. Magsasabi lang ng totoo at legit na love ako. Love kita besh!

Kat, ibang level yung friendship natin. Para sakin tinuturing kitan legit talaga na amazing friend. Lagi ka din andiyan para sakin to knock some sense in me, pag ma-drama ako binabalance mo yung emotions ko. Naghihintay pa rin ako sa araw na makakapag-Jollibee date tayo bes!

Alona, kahit sobrang busy natin sa lahat ng hanash in life, ikaw yung friend na andiyan lalo na nung baliw baliw pa ako. Asan na yung pakape natin?

Lhory, isa ka sa mga una kong naging kaibigan and super happy ako nakilala kita 🙂

Jhem and Aubrey, mga mamsh hindi ko alam kung ano gagawin ko kung wala kayo hahaha. Kayo yung laging andiyan na walang sawa making at magcomfort sakin nung nababaliw ako eh haha.

Mommy Meg, di ko maexplain pero alam ko lagi ka lang din andiyan kahit busy ka haha.

Krishel, Chammy, Gerry, Eca, Ica, Grace, CJ, Kuya ALbert, Mommy Joy kahit di tayo lagi naguusap or nagkikita dama ko yung care natin sa isa’t isa kahit busy kayo haha.

Shout out kay Krishel: huyyy ibang klase. Salamat lalo na nung sabado hahaha kung hindi dahil sayo, hindi ako nakapagenjoy. ❤ ❤ Feeling ko lumevel up yung friendship natin dahil don bwahaha.

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Kuya JC and Ate Jona, idol parents! ❤

Ate Aysa, Jolens mga idol ko kayo lalo na sa pagsusulat hayyy ❤

Jonathan, James, Sensei umaasa ako na magkabonding bondingan tayo soon haha.

Maklein and Mikay, mga baliw HAHA sobrang saya na nakita ko kayo at nakasama. Excited ako sa muli nating pagkikita kasi sobrang baliw nyo din hahaha

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Rhea, Jas, Ely and Kuya Jheff, salamat kasi kahit di ako nakakasama niyayaya niyo pa rin ako HAHAHA. Kahit lagi akong lost at sabaw, andiyan pa rin kayo. Haha!

Ang dami, ang dami dami pa. Maraming salamat kasi nakilala ko kayo at naging kaibigan. Kung may hindi man ako namention, pasensya na. Babawi ako next time haha.

Di ko na masyadong dinramahan hahah sa susunod nalang. With matching iyak pa haha.