Iyakin and God’s Love

If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s crying. I get so emotional over things so easily. From simple and petty things to huge things, expect me to cry.

Whenever I meet people for get togethers, events or stuff like that, expect me to feel drained and overly emotional for the next couple of days. I’ll shut down for a while and will not talk nor be interested in anything at all. All these happens when I am drained from too much social activities or I got disappointed on a situation and I can’t quite grasp on an idea so I shut down.

Saturday was my college friend’s bachelorette party. It was so fun! After not seeing these people for years, I got to spend time with them which is UH-MAY-ZEHNG! Went home a bit drunk and happy but my heartburn is acting up because of tequila and with little to no sleep at all, my head was pounding. I missed church and the birthday party of my godson Alex. Monday, I missed work (not that I feel bad but hahaha)

So nothing went my way yesterday. It was crappy. It was a bad bad day. I can’t talk about it yet but it was just so bad that I ended up crying then falling asleep and then waking up to cry once more.

I was not able to eat dinner because I kept thinking why I was acting so dumb? Why am I still crying over crappy things? So while Kyx was eating dinner, I sat quietly, wiped my tears away and talked to God. I asked God what is he trying to tell me. Why do I still have to wait when I can get it instantly? Why do I have to wait when obviously, I need it ALREADY?! Then it’s like my mind suddenly began working again. My brain cells are energized and my heart is not as heavy when I realized that maybe, God is making sure I really want this. That he is assuring me of his perfect plans, that he’s never late because he’s always on time and how can I forget that? How for a split second can I forget that his plans are better than mine?

Did you think I stopped crying? I cried once more. HAHAHAHA but because I am overwhelmed with how God shows his love for me.

Then I stopped crying and proceeded on catching up with Scandal. Heh



From The Baker of The Best Brownies In The Entire Universe

*dito yung picture. di ko pa rin napipicture-an ng maayos pero kailangan ko na ito maipost. sobrang tagal na eh*

Though I have not tasted the brownies myself just yet, I believe that she makes the best brownies in the entire universe.

Went home feeling sluggish after a hard day at work. I wasn’t really feeling well that I didn’t want to eat dinner but as Kyx was forcing me to eat my chicken and rice, his mom handed me an envelope saying that something arrived for me!

I saw the address, where it was from and I knew that what I have been waiting for has finally arrived!! My blogger friend, Space made Christmas Cards and sent it out to people special to her. Imagine my *kilig* receiving one!?!

Sa sobrang kilig ko naubos ko agad yung dinner ko while reading her handmade card. I feel so loved!

The card is so crafty, creative and I LOVED IT SO MUCH!

I love love love receiving letters and cards from people. Feeling ko nanalo ako lagi sa lotto. So everytime someone gives me a letter or a card, I treasure it more than material things.

Si Kyx mas gusto niya ako dati bilhan ng mga kung ano ano. Stuff na magagamit, damit, sapatos (kasi konti lang yung ganon ko eh) but when he knew me more, he realized that a simple letter and card can do wonders in my spirit. Ibang level talaga ang nagagawa nito sa akin eh. I feel so loved lagi (di ko pa ba na-establish yon haha)

Mahilig kasi ako magsulat sulat sa mga tao, binibigyan ko sila ng mga post-its (lalo mga ka-officemates ko) mahilig ako magbigay ng love letter sa mom ko at mga kapatid ko, sa dating mga friends ko lagi ko din sila sinusulatan kasi iba yung dating ng letter at card eh, parang galing talaga yun sa puso. Parang pinaghirapan, pinagisipan, pinag gugulan ng panahon. It doesn’t mean that material things and other gifts are less valuable and precious but it’s just my preference.


SPACE, thank you so much for giving me this card. It’s so crafty, so creative and beautiful! Nagkaroon ako ng idea dun sa banner na name using beads. Gagayahin ko one of these days hahahaha. Ang ganda ganda, ang galing galing mo. I love it huhuhu. Ibang klase. Ang sosyal ng card galing SG, forever ko itong itatago dahil ito ang symbol ng ating friendship hihi. Kahit LDR tayo, damang dama ko lagi ang love at suporta mo. Thank you so very much!! Yung mga cards naman na ipapadala ko sainyo, sa February na kaya hintayin mo ha?

I love you Space!

This was written on the 13th of January. Hindi ko mapublish publish dahil walang maayos na photo hahaha. -___-“

Update: Feb 12-16

I haven’t been writing not because it feels like a chore but I have a lot of things going on in my life that I just do not have enough time to write anymore. Sobrang lala haha.

Anyway, let me start this post by telling you that FINALLY (as in oh my god talaga), Finally I am forgiving people that caused me pain and that I understood everything now. So I guess, I just freed myself from the burden of thinking too much, not letting go, not letting God do his thing etc etc. and I am happy huhuhu after trying so hard faking it, after going through the loop of being happy and sad and happy again and then sad again, I’m back to normal!

  • I was going to write about this but I was not sure if she wanted to be exposed like this pero, I’m writing it now anyway haha à I met up with Kat last week and had lunch at Mary Grace. SHE WAS SUPER FUN TO BE WITH or talagang nag-click lang kami agad? I am myself when I am with her and I didn’t have to try hard. Lamo yun? Yung I wasn’t trying to be extra nice, I wasn’t worried that I might say the wrong things basta it was just amazing huhuhu. I feel like we’re meant to be friends hahaah feeler hahah but whatever. Ang saya ko. Though I think Mary Grace is pricy than other restaurants, ang sarap kasi kaya niyaya ko si Kat doon hahahah next time baka magmicrowave nalang kami ng baon na food. HAHA. Wait.  Anyway, I feel like Kat is my legit friend talaga. Another thing pala about Kat, she is super pretty! Walang pores levels. Simple but very beautiful. As in muka akong ewan kapag katabi ko siya pero wapakels ako hahaha. ANG GANDA NI KAT. ❤
  • Days after (yata or a day after. Di ko na sure) I decided that I’m letting go and I’ll be forgiving people despite the fact that they did not apologize to me whatsoever, I talked to Space about it until she told me that maybe, I can try to reach out again just for closure. I prayed for it and wrote a letter haha. I was going to send it via snail mail but I was thinking it would take longer and my goal was to close that chapter of my life before I turn a year older again so I called one person. The one who started it all. I was so nervous. The last time we spoke she was telling me that I should have been killed in an earthquake so I didn’t know what to expect. But you know what? I told her I was sorry and she told me she IS SORRY TOO! I could not believe what I was hearing. It was a 20minute phone call and we talked more via chat and ya know, we’re not friends again but at least we forgave each other after everything. And for me, that chapter was closed already. It was behind us and if ever God’s plan is to pave a new chapter for friendship then who am I to say now (although my mom do not believe the “let’s be friends again” thing but just saying diba. Who knows. I am not closing my doors haha joke. Showbiz lang)
  • Last Thursday, I went out with my cousins and had dinner with them. Ang refreshing lang ng ganap and nothing has changed, ganoon pa rin kami. They were my first best friends and I am glad I still have them ❤

Hayyyy a breath of fresh air! Ang saya. Parang ang daming tinik yung nabunot sa dibdib ko.

Church Day

Before the start of 2018, my friend and I talked about wanting to go back to church. I am not exactly sure how long she stayed out of church but for me, boy it lasted for a year since I started hearing mass again! Two weeks before the 11th of February my friend said we should try attending The Feast. I told her I can’t go this weekend (the 4th of February) because it’s my sister’s family day in school. So we agreed on attending on the 11th at 8am to 10am.

Usually, I’d push for convenience because 1. The Feast Bay Area was going to be held at PICC in Pasay and we live in Pasig-Cainta which will take us about 30 to 40 minutes to be there compared to just going to the church inside the village. 2. I wake up early for 6 days so Sunday is the only day I can sleep in but I had to let that go because—8am mass. -_- with all that being said, I had this feeling that I wouldn’t want to let this pass, I wanted to go back to church and this is the first chance I can get so I must grab it. I was also talking to myself that maybe, if I didn’t like it, I’d try other church or services. The night before  our church day, I prayed to have the right amount of strength, energy and enthusiasm. I also asked for guidance and requested that I may be touched spiritually so I can have a church already.

Come the 11th. I woke up at a little past 5:30am. Drank tea, took a bath, made breakfast, did my skincare routine and off I went to my friend’s house and she booked an Uber for us. Around almost 40 minutes, we were at PICC. We were so excited! We choose a comfy spot and the next thing we know, we are hearing mass. The Feast pala is Catholic. So from 8am to 9am we heard the Catholic mass then from 9am to 10am, we sang joyful praises and there was preaching afterwards.

Here’s my takeaway:

  • You are loved because God first loved us. This phrase from a verse in the bible touched me so much that I am starting to be tearful. Of course, how can we forget that we are loved by God? That we are worthy to be loved. That even before we are born, we are loved. That in times we are hard to love, we are still unconditionally loved by our creator.
  • There’s nothing to prove. We find ourselves proving a point more often than not. We argue and we push things to the edge when in fact there’s nothing to prove because we are loved by our creator anyway.

Towards the end, I couldn’t help but cry a little. I was just so touched and I felt that God is proud of me, that I may have shut myself way too long but I came back and he waited for me. He forgave me for neglecting him and his teachings.

Overall, I really did have an amazing time and it was just so refreshing to be back. I pray that Kyx would join us soon and now, I am thinking of inviting my mother and my sister to come with us.

Mornings with Mama # 2

Kyx and I have been contemplating of getting ourselves a dog. We’re lowkey wanting to be parents but we just can’t afford to have a child. Ya know. Hoomans. Haha. So I was telling my mom about it and she’s super supportive and all.

Yesterday, while we were at the mall (Me, Mom, Atta and Kyx) we saw a puppy on a stroller..

Me: Omg ma! Ayan! We’ll buy a puppy and then we’ll get a stroller and he be our baby and we will bring him to the mall and all that.

Ma: Oo girl. Tama yan!

Me: Di namin keri ang magkaanak pa eh. So kuha kami ng pug or corgi sana.

Ma: Oo tama. Mahirap magkaanak. Ang aso pag nilambing lambing mo lalambing lambingin ka rin, pag nagpoops pupulutin mo lang, pag umihi pupunasan mo lang, pag pinagalitan mo hindi sasagot, tungo lang, di sasama loob, may loyalty, di kailangan paaralin, di bibigyan ng baon, pag namura mo hindi magdadabog. Oh see? Ang saya magkaaso!


Lil sis:





Nothing out of the ordinary. It’s just losing people and recovering from it and realizing a bunch of things knowing you should have realized that a long time ago.

Last night, after doing 30 minutes of yoga practice, I sat down with my back against the wall, contemplating whether I should stand up, go for a quick shower and start my skincare routine. Staring into what used to be a blank space that turned into a pile of mess—I remembered that about 5 days ago, I went and checked the photos I have uploaded on twitter over the years and saw pictures of people from the past. Photos that have been left untouched, undeleted. May kurot but I deleted them pictures without second thoughts. I needed to do that so I can fully recover. It was a fascinating feeling—hurting but being relieved at the same time. How ironic, right? And so I realized that I lost a handful of people, people who are so damn close to my heart, people I have loved but losing them made way for a lot of things, gave me so much more time and space for new found friends, people who stuck with me and opportunities to meet other people easily. It was with God’s grace that the toughest of things may have happened to give you something better, something more worthwhile in return which I have not seen nor realized sooner than I should.

I was so busy crying over what I lost without looking intently to what I have gained and what I still have. I was lamenting over the people who so easily left me when there are tons of other people who stuck with me! I was busy thinking how the hell I would eat out, enjoy, travel, go places when I lost the people I am always with, without realizing that I have a lot of friends whom I can go out with, see the world with, enjoy life together!

I guess it’s always a matter of perspective but it’s not easy, nowmseyn? Haahah (kairita yung nowmseyn sorry haha) and though hard at first, you’ll know, you’ll learn.

I Am Back. Alive and Kicking!

I stayed under my shell of comfort for a long time, not interacting with a lot of people, laying low, energizing myself, trying to breathe. Gathering my thoughts, calming my mind. I guess I am not done yet but slowly, I’m trying to push myself out there again.

It’s not that I am shutting people out of my life, it’s I think the other way around—shutting myself out because I needed space for myself.

I got sick for a week (and my dad says it has something to do with bad spirits but my doctor says it’s asthma and acid reflux. Whatever the case was, I am now okay. Alive and kicking!) and though it is not fun to be sick, I enjoyed being away from everyone and everything else.

After the New Year meltdown I had, I asked God to give me a break from everything. I was thinking of painting, reading, writing and doing a ton of stuff I love but the break he gave me was nicer. I got taken cared of by my mom, I felt like a baby again and I am away from every possible irritating thing which is absolutely amazing (hehehe)

Now that I am finally out again, I have yet to respond to messages and comments!! (ang hirap) I also would want to catch up on writing and posting stuff in here plus reading your posts huhuhu. Where have I been and why have I been away for too long. Hayyy hahaha.

Oh well, there were stuff I have written but never got it published so there will be a ton of stuff I’d be posting on my blog soon! ❤

Also, sorry if some of you may have felt that I am ignoring your guys or I’m a lame friend. I just needed to hibernate for a while. He he he