The Art of Deadma: Boss Edition

I can’t believe I’m talking about this because I am the last person I can think of that would “deadma” something especially if it would trigger so many feelings.

With everything that happened to me, I have learned how to control my emotions, to choose my battles, to know how I should react especially in stressful scenarios. It wasn’t easy but the moment I was able to get the hang of it, then all is well. Hence I have learned the art of deadma.

After the holidays, my boss gave everyone in our team his Christmas gift. Everyone had their gifts on top of their tables except me. Yup! You got that right, he didn’t bother giving me a gift. He left me out.

Had it happened a year ago, I would’ve bawled my eyes out. It would have hurt me so bad that I would overthink every single detail. I would make assumptions as to why he would have left me out! But now, I don’t care as much as I always did.

Whether his intentions would be to hurt me, to make me feel bothered or not, I don’t care. I wouldn’t give him the slightest satisfaction of seeing me hurt or affected and the good part is I am not even pretending to be unaffected!

Because last night, I was just thanking God for all the blessings he gave me. He answered my prayers especially when I asked him to grant me healing. I feel so blessed just by thinking about my family, friends and loved ones and that is enough to make me feel happy. I don’t need  gifts in fancy wrapping papers, I don’t need fake love. I got what I need and that’s enough.

So the art of deadma works well especially when you feel satisfied, happy and blessed beyond belief. Whoo!

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Kwentuhan Tayo #2

Jusko naman, kwento ko lang last night yung moment of enlightenment ko ha. Kasi naman 2nd day palang into 2019 umiyak na ako kaagad, ano ba naman yan diba? Pero don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing. I was just really feeling a bit overwhelmed and emotional. Andiyan papasok bigla yung self-doubt at takot, napangungunahan ako ng ganitong thoughts kaya di ko kinakaya na napaiyak nalang ako hahaahhahha.

Sobrang bago kasi itong career change na ito para sa akin. Ang personality ko kasi is sanay ako sa routine. Sanay ako sa alam ko. Ako yung tipong pipiliin yung long travel na kabisado ko kaysa sa shortcut na hindi ako familiar. Ako yung uulit ulitin ang order sa paulit ulit na restaurant kasi ganon talaga ako. In short, hindi ako talaga sana sa taking risks, seeking the great perhaps and all that. Hindi ako sanay umalis sa comfort zone ko so this year ko yun gagawin and natatakot ako hahahah. Syempre normal lang naman siguro ang makaramdam ng ganitong emotion kaya hindi naman ako naiinis sa sarili ko. Isa pa, naiisip ko na sobrang mahihirapan ako kasi ibang iba talaga yung career path na tatahakin ko ngayon. Hindi siya ever sumagi sa utak ko na gagawin ko kahit kailan but here I am??? So paano diba? Kaya ko ba? Gusto ko sanang umatras, umurong, mag-BPO na lang ulit ako kasi mas alam ko kalakaran doon pero sabi ni Kyx kasi, ngayon pa ba ako susuko? Ngayon pa ba ako aatras eh andito na ako.

Feeling ko hindi ko kasi magagampanan ng mahusay yung position kaya lang ang nega ko naman kung ganon. So eto na:

  1. Sigurado ako, hindi ibibigay ni Lord sakin ito kung hindi ko kakayanin. Sabi nga nila, lahat ng challenges na binibigay sa iyo ay kaya mong malampasan. So kaya ko din siguro ito no?!
  2. Dapat paulit ulit kong isipin ano nga ba ang purpose ko why I started? Ano ba yung goal ko bakit ko ba ito kinuha. May deeper reason so dapat lagi kong balikbalikan yun.
  3. I fear that I won’t have enough time anymore for my family and friends dahil sa super busy na ng magiging work ko, kaya lang sometimes kailangan ng little sacrifices like this for a greater reason.

Ngayon naman kalmado na ako eh. Kagabi lang ako nagiinarte. Sige 2019, i-push natin ito!

HAPPY!

I was writing my year recap when I decided to stop and read what I wrote last year. My oh my, 2017 was actually really bad. Worse than 2018 I swear hahaha. I was cringing the entire time when I read my past entries. Grabe, nkklk.

I attempted to write my highlights or even do a year recap but it’s pointless, most of my highlights have already been written here (so ano? Paulit ulit tayo haha)

Instead, let me write about how happy I am.

I am not really a festive person, I don’t  like celebrating things especially Christmas because I have been always grieving for the past years. Laging may namamatay and it’s just so lonely to even think of celebrating in a funeral home diba? So the best plot twist that 2018 gave me is to have a chance of celebrating this year’s Christmas day filled with joy and happiness. I mean it’s still not perfect because 2 of my brothers are not home for Christmas but this is the first time that no one died and no heart breaking incident happened. Of course, like I said it wasn’t perfect because I don’t have enough money to buy people gifts but the good side is I don’t have money because they held my salary because…I am already turning over my work!!! I have finally submitted my resignation letter muhahahaa.

So what else am I happy about despite my nagtitipid ass?

  • FULLY HEALED FROM THE PAST!!!!!!!!
  • (not) ready to start my new job in Feb!
  • My mental health is in a better state compared to the past months filled with anxiety.

What else? Ahhh I can’t think of anything else to write about. I am just really happy right now and I hope everyone else is happy too.

By the way, how was your Christmas celebration? Did you guys celebrate Christmas?

Mini side chika: we didn’t really prepare for Christmas as in we didn’t cook anything. We spent our Christmas day at our relative’s house where other relatives stay there to celebrate too. It was really fun and for the first time in many years, it felt good to celebrate Christmas.

I miss chikahan with you guys so tonight, I will visit your blogs muhahaha. Bye!

Hayy Life

Bago ko ito sinulat, meron akong sinulat na super raw as in yung feelings ko andon lahat. Hahahahah so dito sa version na ito, itatry kong hindi ako galit haha.

Minsan talaga dadating sa puntong akala mo ubos na ubos ka na pero may pipiga pa rin sayo, sasairin ka. Andon ako sa puntong yon. Andon ako sa pagod na pagod ako sa buhay ko to the point na gusto kong umalis, maglaho at wag nang bumalik. Gusto ko mag-iba ng identity at manirahan nalang sa kung saan walang nakakakilala sa akin. Pero hindi ko alam kung sobrang katapangan yon na talikuran ang lahat ng bagay o kaduwagan. Ikaw nalang mamili kung ano sa tingin mo yon.

Alam kong maliit lang itong mga iniinda ko. Pero siguro dadating ka nga talaga sa mga ganitong punto, may mga moments na hindi mo na din alam ano gagawin mo kahit na simpleng bagay lang naman yon, kahit pwedeng hindi na isipin, iniisip ko pa rin.

  1. Saan ka nakakita na hindi mo naman utang pero ikaw ang nagbabayad????? Gusto ko tumawa talaga pero baka habang tumatawa ako ng malakas maiyak ako hahaha bakit ganito ang kapalaran mga mamsh??? Tapos may nasasabi pa sayo???? Vhaketttt hahah
  2. Yung mga bayarin na malalaki sinasalo mo kasi wala nang ibang sasalo. Yung taong originally nagbabayad non wala daw pera ngayon pero san ka pa, may maraming bagong mamahaling shoes hahahahaa saya saya!
  3. Yung tuition na originally babayaran ko hindi ko mabayaran dahil sa 1 and 2 tapos parang kasalanan ko ngayon kasi san na ako kukuha ng pambayad na yon???? Kasi binayad ko na sa mga bagay na hindi naman dun nakalaan ang pera ko pero ano gagawin???

Shuta pagod na pagod ako mga bakla. Hindi ko kinakaya ang laging MMK nalang ang nangyayari.

Okay lang ako sa role ko, naiintindihan ko na kahit pang-apat ako sa pinakamatanda eh ako na ang tatayong bread winner para sa bunsong kapatid ko at sa nanay ko kasi walang ibang gagawa. Tanggap ko yon pero hindi ako magpapakaplastic na sasabihin kong hindi ako napapagod. Napapagod talaga akong sadya. Tapos bukod pa diyan, hindi ka maiintindihan ng ibang tao kung bakit tumatanggi ka sa pagsama sakanila sa mga laboy, hindi maiintindihan kung bakit hindi ka nakakapagreply sa mga chat lalo na mga kamaganak ko sa tatay ko na juskooooo poooo hindi lang ako makareply talagang dami nang sinasabi sakin. Ratrat na ako ng mga hindi manlang daw ako makaalala. Jusko po sa dinami dami ng iniisip ko unahin ko pa ba mag gaganyan?

Tapos alangan namang isa isahin mo sakanila yung mga pinagdadaanan mo sa buhay diba? Diba hindi naman madaling gawin yon.

Pagod na pagod ka pero hindi ka pwedeng sumuko. Hindi ka pwedeng maawa sa sarili mo kasi kailangan mong magfocus sa goals mo, may mga taong umaasa sayo kaya sila yung mas uunahin mo kaysa sa sarili mo.

Kaya sige. Bahala na. Bahala na si God kung papaano ko malalampasan ito.

Mercruy Retrograde or PMS siguro kaya stressed ako ng bongga pero wapakels na. Kailangang ko kumayod. Happy Monday!

Wag Sabihin Kung Hindi Kayang Gawin

Gusto ko lang sabihin na wag nating madalas sabihin yung I love you at dudugtungan pa ng “no matter what” kung hindi natin kayang panindigan.

Ang love kasi napakalalim niyan. Big word. Ganern. Hindi siya madaling gawin.

For me, love in general is loving that person despite everything. Love is having faith in that person and if you don’t love that person enough, yan papasok yung you will have to walk away and no I’m not saying that’s wrong, kasi lahat ng bagay may hangganan. But all I’m saying is napakahirap ng pagmamahal. Hindi yan madaling ibigay sa friends, family at ibang tao kasi ang hirap magmahal.

Kasi pag mahal mo, mahal mo even in the tough times. You find yourself forgiving people and understanding them because that’s how much love you have. You forget about the pain and hurt they may have caused you lalo na yung petty things because love is so much stronger than the hurt diba?

Kaya nga sinasabi nila yung love daw nakakabobo, nakakatanga. Kasi in reality nga papatawarin mo ng paulit ulit kahit gaanong kasakit, paulit ulit mong papakinggan with the hope na hindi na mauulit yung masama o masakit na ginawa. If hindi mo yan magawa for someone, then your love isn’t that deep.

Ang dami kong friends na sobrang love na love naming ang isa’t isa pero nasan na sila ngayon? Sometimes you only love a person when it’s convenient. You love a person when everything is right for the both of you. If nahurt ka, if may maling nagawa sayo, all of a sudden hindi mo na mahal without even thinking nab aka ikaw may mali ka rin na nagawa.

Loving someone only when it is convenient is not love at all.

And napatunayan ko yan sa nanay ko at kay Kyx.

Well my mom, given na yan talaga kasi sobrang mahal niya ako at lahat ng anak niya.

Kay Kyx naman, ang dami kong moments. Lalo na yung anxiety attacks ko na nagsusuffer din siya when I suffer. Pwede naman siyang umayaw, pwede naman siyang bumitaw but he never does. Alam niyo yung sa pelikula yung sobrang hirap na mahalin nung isang tao tapos umiiyak na sila pareho kasi sobrang sakit na pero may isang yayakap tapos magyayakapan nalang sila ng mahigpit habang umiiyak? Yun yung love. Yun yung “despite of”. Yung yayakapin mo nalang lahat ng sakit kasi mas masakit mawala yung taong yun so you welcome the pain instead tapos si love na ang bahalang umaway kay pain. Kasi eventually, the pain goes away when the love stays strong.

Kaya nga kung hindi natin kayang gawin yan, wag na nating sinasabi.

Here’s What is Inside My Head

There’s just so much resentment upon realizations that I can’t even bring myself to write about it. I am attempting to do so but it just doesn’t feel right.

I wanted to write about a lot of people who have been a part of the past now like my ex best friend but words seem to sound sadder than I actually feel? I mean I’m not sad about it. In fact, I feel that I have given myself the closure I wanted others to give me and it felt really nice. I just don’t want this to sound like another sob story but then I will keep thinking about it so let’s just give it a go.

Ang dami ko pang sinabi dun din naman pala mapupunta haha.

  1. To my ex best friends. If I think about who is to blame in all the chaos we went through, I can’t think of someone hahaha. Maybe because I have accepted the fact that partly, I was to blame for it, had I not been the maldita person that I was, then we wouldn’t have been entangled to this in the first place. But have you? Have you also realized what I realized? That maybe it was also partly your fault? Hahaha. I just want to say that I needed to acknowledge and verbalize what you did that hurt me in the middle of all these so I can fully forgive. I forgive you for turning your back on me and giving up on the friendship. I forgive you for not even trying to listen to what I had to say. I forgive you for being so unforgiving in those trying times. I forgive you for basically thinking that parting ways was the most ideal thing to do but that destroyed me so fucking much and I want you to know that. But I forgive you both for everything because I know that what you did to me was wrong and that you hurt me and I didn’t deserve that. My pity party was over as soon as I realized that I wouldn’t have hurt someone I love the way you guys did but that’s okay because now, I know that I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment so I tried to forgive you. It took me a year and a half to do so but I forgive you now. I am praying that one day, you also realize the pain you caused me and though I am not going to want you to ask for forgiveness, the mere realization of it is enough.
  2. To this person who I recently did the INFJ door slam, what you asked me with that accusatory tone—don’t deny that it was filled with malice *eyes rolling* offended me. It was a bit too low of you to do that and though I know you probably didn’t mean it the way you did 5 minutes after saying it, I already took it to heart and all the millions of second chances I gave you so graciously has been thrown out of the window in a split second and boy I am not even sorry. You are always unappreciative of people’s effort in reaching out to you but that’s not my problem anymore. I’m just saying. And for you to think that I would tell a soul about what you said is an insult. You have insulted me in so many ways and the sad part is you don’t even know it. You always tell people you’re sensitive but truly sensitive people also know if they have crossed a line one way or another. You failed to even feel bad for what you did so how is that even sensitive? You are not worthy of my time and energy and even the friendship I was willing to give so goodbye.

Okay, now I’m done and I cannot wait to be able to celebrate my mother’s birthday! Woop!

“hold on to the ones who really care”

“You have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. You go through all the pain and strife then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast.

So hold on to the ones who really care ‘cause in the end they’ll be the only ones there. When you get old and start losing your hair, can you tell me who will still care?”

If we only just take this song more seriously than all its pop glory, we can save ourselves from so many heartaches. Or not. But still.


Nakagawian ko nang tapusin ang mga sentences ko sa mga nakakainis na “or not” “but still” “so”. Bakit ako ganito? Nakakahiya. Sana hindi makita ng Prof ko to kahit kelan haha.