Pam-Pa Good Vibes sa Umaga

After our Baguio trip, my mom hoarded succulents, cacti and other plants. Then almost a month of taking care of them, her cactus gave birth which she happily announced yesterday and this is how the conversation went.

Mom: Look at all of them!

Me: Guys, nanganak yung cactus ni mama!

Kuya: O? Cactus din ba yung anak?

Mom: Natural!

Mom: Ay sabagay ang tao nga nanganganak ng hayop eh. Teka nga ichecheck ko baka nanganak ng Gumamela.

Me:

Kuya:

Cactus:

Gumamela:

May point. HAHHAAHHA Sorry tawang tawa lang ako I can’t help but share!

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Hello!

There are a lot of things going on in my life lately that I didn’t even have a chance to greet everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Or maybe, ayoko kasing magpabebe na bumati pero hindi naman ako festive talaga tapos napipilitan lang. Kaya hindi nalang din.

I realized that on Christmas Day and on the first day of 2018, I was crying my eyes out. What a way to celebrate right? Soooo emotional. Anyway, I hope that you guys enjoyed the holidays spent with family and friends. ❤

I am trying so hard to write about everything that’s been happening but I just can’t bring myself to finish whatever blog post I started and it’s so frustrating. I guess, I’m on a writing slump or there’s just a lot going on that I can’t help but feel so shitty.

**tagalog incoming**

Over the past months kasi ang daming ganap diba, ang daming hanash ng mundo tapos kailangan ko lang mag-keep up kasi hindi naman talaga titigil ang mundo sa pag-ikot dahil sa kalungkutan ko at mga kung ano anong nararamdaman. Hindi maganda yung family set-up namin kasi may mga hindi magandang nasabi na hindi mo maintindihan bakit nasabi. Basta ang sakin lang, kapag ganyan ang isang anak sa magulang, kailangan niya sigurong mag-isip isip. Mag-reflect at magpakumbaba. Tapos sa side naman  ng papa ko diba namatayan kami so ano ba diba, sobrang nakakalungkot yon. Ni hindi naman ako makauwi kasi walang bakasyon bakasyon dito sa office namin tapos death anniversary ng kapatid ng mama ko nung nag-Baguio kami. Sa likod ng masasayang larawan, nakalakip doon yung mga lungkot na dinadala namin. Hindi naman ako nagpapanggap na masaya, gusto ko lang klaruhin na hindi lahat ng mga nakikita nating nakapost sa social media ay bunga ng pagpapasarap sa buhay. May mga storya sa likod nito na nakakadurog ng puso. Sobra kong frustrated talaga kasi ilang pasko na ba kami ganito diba? Lagi nalang. Tuwing magmomove on kami, madadagdagan ng kalechehan.

Nung bisperas ng bagong taon, nagdinner kami sa bahay ng tita namin at dun na rin naming sinalubong ang bagong taon ng maraming pagkain at wine. NKKLK.

Bagong Taon naman ay reunion sa side ng lola ko. Masaya lagi doon kahit simple lang. Favorite ko ang January 1 dahil nakakasama ko ang pamilya namin sa side ng lola ko.

Masaya na malungkot. Masaya kasi ang dami daming bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat, pero nakakalungkot dahil may mga pangyayari na hindi mo talaga maiiwasan. Nasaktuhan lang na wrong timing.

Kaya ayan ngayon. Hindi ako masyado nagkakakausap ng mga tao, hindi ako masyadong nakikipagkwentuhan kasi lalabas lang yung lungkot ko, makakahawa lang ako ng ka-negahan. Tapos may mga bagay din na hindi ko naman alam paano pa sasabihin at ikukwento kasi yung ganitong mga bagay, kailangan ko lang talagang tanggapin eh. Walang formula, walang kailangang opinyon kung papaano ko makakayanan to kasi ako lang din mismo ang makaka-solve nito sa sarili ko. Sad. Hahahah.

Kaya pasensya na kung hindi ako masyadong nagrereply o hindi ako masyadong nakikipagusap. Ganon lang talaga ako. Coping mechanism ko siguro ang mapagisa kung minsan.

Just Sharing

I love writing about sad love stories back in 2016 until I became sad myself hah.

I find it fascinating, filled with feelings when people are brave enough to dig deeper into their emotions, grieving yet sharing what seems to be the hardest to talk and write about. I don’t like it when people are lonely, sad and depressed but I just really find it fascinating to read something that can tear me into pieces.

Maybe that was empathy talking. Maybe I wanted to comfort those who have been broken. We all have been broken but not everyone had someone to keep them company when they’re down. I want to be that person. Someone who will comfort you when you need me.

After all the sad story fascinations I have had, I found myself being so thankful that Kyx is mine and that we are together because life without him will be crazy sad! I pray that I never get to write a sad love story starring me and Kyx. I want our stories to be hopeful! Some with stress and crazy fights but always with a hopeful happy ending.

So to veer away from the disturbing anxiety that I have formed just writing about this, I’ll share with you something I have never shared to anyone in the blogosphere before. HAHAHA.

Kyx is a funny guy. He is filled with humor and he never gets angry. He’s so understanding and kind. One fine day, we were driving home and I was being a complete rude child. He told me one thing and I didn’t like it so I screamed really loud. It was supposed to be funny but there was a tinge of annoyance and irritation that I have when I started screaming. I was all “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in a really psychotic high pitched tone (because he was being annoying!!) so what he did was, HE OPENED THE FUCKING WINDOW and laughed cause I was forced to shut the hell up. I couldn’t forget that because instead of yelling at me, he dealt with me with humor and I was so ashamed of myself for being a psycho on him.

Wala lang. I just wanted to share that odd story because now, all I hope for are funny and irritating stories of cute couples rather than sad ones!

4 Years of Grieving on Christmas Day and New Year (?)

Dec. 29, 2014 the sister of my grandmother passed away because of Diabetes and other complications.

Dec 23, 2015 one of my favourite aunts—the big sister of my mom, died of kidney failure.

Dec. 27, 2016 my godmother—the sister of my dad, passed away because of suicide.


And this year, the brother of my grandfather (father’s side) is very very sick and is on his deathbed. I keep praying that I be given another chance to see him before he goes. I keep hoping that a miracle will happen. His liver is failing already and there are multiple organ complications seen by doctors. The last time I saw him after so many years is on December 3 of this year. He was hospitalized even before I got to see him so when I saw him, he was really sick and most of the time, asleep. I remember my childhood. I was his baby. His kids were all grown up back then but were too young to have children and I was the only child back then, I was his star. He loves me so so much.

When I was a kid, they have this sari sari store at home and a place on a school Canteen in Batangas where he brings me and I eat errthang I can see. From yema, to softdrinks to barbecue to pastillas, to beans to nuts. You name it. Everything they sell, I eat for FREE. Hahaha.

He would carry me around, pasyal pasyal sa plaza. He would make me ride his bicycle and motorcycle. He’s just the best grandpa in the world! Solong solo ko silang lahat kasi ako lang yung bata doon, kaya si Tatay Susing, kahit apo niya lang ako sa pamangkin, mahal na mahal niya ako.

 I told my dad that I would want tatay to fight more. My dad told me to let him go. He’s suffering so much, he’s having a hard time breathing, he’s unconscious most of the time and they can’t talk to him anymore. I would really want a miracle right now. I need a miracle right now.

I don’t want him to suffer anymore but I don’t want him to leave just yet.  Tangina.

Allow Me To Tell You All What I Feel Before It All Simmers Down

Sometimes I try to catch myself feeling whatever it is I am feeling and not wanting to open up about it because when I feel things, it’s like there are firecrackers inside me ready to explode and it will not be good.

Let’s see.

Point one, ang hirap kasi sa iyo, gusto mo, feelings mo lang ang importante. Ayaw mo tignan yung bigger picture. Hindi mo narerealize na HINDI LANG SAYO UMIIKOT ANG MUNDO. Ang gusto mo, pag may problema ka, problema din ng ibang tao yung dinadala mo. Ang gusto mo kapag may dinadala kang mabigat, kinaaawaan ka at gusto mong ikaw ang pinapansin. Did it ever occur to you na ANG DAMI DIN NA MABIGAT ANG DALA PERO HINDI KAGAYA MO? Hindi k aba nagrereflect kung minsan at isipin mo manlang kung gaano yung actions mo nakakaapekto sa ibang tao? Hindi ako sexist kaya hindi ko sasabihing “kalalaki mong tao, ang drama mo” (dahil lahat naman tayo may karapatang magdrama) kaya ang sasabihin ko nalang, kung may drama ka, ayusin mo. Yung hindi ka parang gumagawa ng mala-teleseryeng gulo. Ang dami mo pang sinasabi, akala mob a nakakatuwa?

Point two, napatunayan ko na kapag ayaw mong gawin sayo, wag mong gawin sa iba. (blog readers, naaalala niyo ba yung sinulat ko dati na hindi ko alam bat di ako pinapansin nung isang tao sa bahay naming? Eto na) So hindi mo ako pinapansin diba, until such time na napagod na din ako. Isang araw hindi kita pinansin tapos after 10 minutes, nagmessage ka, gumawa ka pa ng groupchat at sinabi mong bakit di ka pinapansin. GUSTO KONG TUMAWA. So kapag ikaw ang hindi namansin, okay lang at walang karapatan ang ibang tao masaktan o magalit o sitahin ka. Pero kapag saiyo na ginawa, kulang nalang maghuramentado ka. Nakakatawa talaga minsan ang mga tao kung iisipin mo. Ilang beses mo na ba narinig yung wag mong gawin sa iba ang ayaw mong gawin sa iyo at gawin mo sa iba ang gusto mong gawin nila sa iyo? Hindi ka pa ba nagtanda? HAHAHA.

Point three, yung nanay mo mukang bata lang pero matanda na yan. Hindi mo ba naiisip na maiksi ang buhay at hanggat kaya mo, hanggat maaari, dapat ginagawa mo lahat para iparamdam sa kanya yung pagmamahal mo? Eh bakit baliktad? Bakit sobrang sama ng ugali mo? Sasabihin mo pa na ikaw ang pinakamalaking kakampi??? Hindi ko alam kung saan mo hinuhugot ang kapal ng muka mo. Hindi ko alam kanino ka nagmana bakit ka ganyang kawalang hiya?

Point four, sana bago ka nagsasalita, pinagiisipan mo yung sinasabi mo para hindi ka nagmumukang tanga. Nakakaawa ka alam mo ba yun? Ang dami mong hanash. Pamilya mo ginaganyan mo? Ang galing mo. Ikaw pa talaga ang nakakaramdam ng ganyan tapos kapag ibang tao ang may masamang loob dahil sa kagaguhan mo, may excuse ka lagi na para bang imbalido ang nararamdaman ng ibang tao? Ang kapal ng muka mong sabihin na “kayo pa ang may karapatang makafeel ng ganyan?” LAHAT NG TAO MAY KARAPATAN MAKARAMDAM KUNG ANO MARARAMDAMAN NILA KAYA WAG MONG INVALIDATE ANG FEELINGS NG IBA KASI GPING BACK TO POINT ONE, HINDI LANG IKAW ANG MAY KARAPATANG MAKARAMDAM NG NARARAMDAMAN MO. Ang tanga grabe.

Pinipilit kong unawain kaya ang tagal kong tumahimik sa blog ko. Ayaw ko magsulat at lahat nasa drafts lang, ang dami kong kwentong hindi naisulat kasi ayokong panget ang aura ng mga kwento ko pero this is the last straw. Sobrang personal siguro ng sinulat ko ngayon pero lagi namang personal ang sinusulat ko. Hindi kasi ako magaling mag sugar coat at magmaganda kung hindi naman talaga maganda yung nararamdaman ko. Kaya kadalasan, ako yung maldita. Ako yung masama hahaha, pero sinasabi ko lang naman yung totoo. HAHAHA. So eto, eto yung nararamdaman ko.

Lahat ng katwiran mo, kahit gaano ka nang katanda, hindi mo manlang maitama. Baluktot lahat at butas butas, pinagbibigyan ka lang ng mga kapatid mo kasi hindi sila ang nasa posisyon para isaksak yang kagaguhan mo sa kokote mo, yae nang ang mama ang magsabi sa iyo ng mga kailangan mong malaman dahil mukang ikaw ang sarado ang isipan.

Bakit kaya kung ano yung sinasabi mo, kabaliktaran ng mga ginagawa mo? Sadyang tanga ka ga at di mo maisip mga pinagsasasabi at ginagawa mo? Ulagang tunay. Kakaburyo nalang, rudeh.

Ang tagal kong pinilit ibaon to pero parang ikaw pa talaga yung gusto mong gumagawa ka ng family drama!? Anong kahusayan yan. Bakit ganyan?

Ang gusto ko lang siguro talagang sabihin, sana nagiisip ka, sana nagrereflect ka muna bago ka magsasalita. Sana kung may nararamdaman ka, isipin mo bakit mo yan nararamdaman, ano talaga yung point mo. Ganon. Hindi yung tira lang ng tira, bira lang ng bira. Ikaw pa nagsabi ng “isip isip din pag may time” gusto ko talagang tumawa kasi IKAW YUNG HINDI NAGIISIP. KABOBOHAN MO PINAPAIRAL MO. Naninira ka pa ng araw ng ibang tao, lahat ng tao pati ibang timezone wasak yung araw dahil sa hindi mo pagiisip eh.

Pilit mong pinapalabas na ibinabaling mo sa ibang tao ang spotlight at iniisip mo ang kapakanan nila pero IKAW talaga ang star. Ikaw ang bida. Ikaw ang gusto mong sentro ng atraksyon. Kahit ano ang gawin at sabihin mo, kung iba naman talaga ang intension mo, lalabas at lalabas din talaga yan.

Kahit anong tago mo ng sungay mo, kung may sungay ka uusbong talaga yan. Kaya sana magisip ka naman at hindi lang yan, isipin mo din na kung ikaw eh hindi nagiisip, wag mong itulad ang ibang tao sayo.

Don’t me. Don’t us. Nagiisip kami. Magkakakilala tayo, wag mo kaming paikutan ng drama mo.

Why am I Pissed?

I posted something about how anyone know how we could score good spots at the Paramore concert on February but I probably didn’t clicked on Publish which is why it wasn’t published!!!! MOTHEFUCKAAAA.

Anyway, I have been writing and I forgot that I didn’t schedule my posts timely so everything was left in the drafts section and I only found out about it last night which leads us to à Why is Thea so pissed off?

  1. I found out that I wasn’t able to schedule my posts properly that’s why everything is left on draft. I was so mad at myself at how stupid I was lels.
  2. I rode on a PUV last night (because: coding and uber/grab is so expensive, the carpool I usually go with is not available so I was left with commuting talaga) All is well, line wasn’t too long, comfy seat. The moment I got to my town (arte ng town) tricycle drivers wouldn’t want to give me a ride because “malayo” daw. It’s not very far okay and I pay 70 pesos for a “special” ride so why the fuck complain? Ayaw lang talaga. So I was so pissed.
  3. When I got home, I waited for Kyx to come pick me up. When he arrived, I started stuffing all my things inside the car and sobrang dami kong things na dala. 1 eco bag of clean clothes, yoga mat, pants, my bag, skincare, vitamins etc. Then Amber (my brothers dog) wanted to play and my leg got scratched. HAHA.
  4. I was moving fast that I forgot my tumbler with straw. I need about 4 to 5 liters of water daily and I find it hard if I had to drink in a bottle or a glass without straw. Hindi sa pagpapabebe but nalulunod ako and Kyx things I am just pabebe sometimes but OCD is life and there’s no fighting it. Lels.
  5. I slept early and wasn’t able to do my night time yoga and skin care because I was pissed with Kyx—thinking I am pabebe. UGH!

But everything is okay now, I’m starting to be chill already because, well, we got Paramore tickets!!!!!! HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH I’ll make kwento about it in a bit. ❤

Short Vacay!

Can’t wait to write about this trip (even though there’s really nothing special to write about)

Halo from Zaragoza, Nueva Ecija!


This is the view from the Kubo where Kyxarie’s family like to play tong its and eat as a family. 💖