How In The World Did I Find Friends In WordPress?!?

I have been blogging in and out since I was in high school. I always rant and talk about how my day went. Then in college, I started to blog about some of my thoughts that are not pure nonsensical but I was doing it for worthless things. I was writing about what people wanted to read, what’s the trend, I was trying so hard to reach out to an audience. I was all about the likes, comments and numbers of hits and followers! I was doing it all for nothingness and worthless crap.

Then last year, I started to blog here on wordpress. I decided to write about what I honestly think, my realizations, lessons, experiences and all that but the difference is that I was doing it for sheer passion, for helping others, for reaching out to other people while in the process of reaching out to myself. I wasn’t thinking about how many followers I would get, how many likes, how many response. I was just basically putting it out there! Sometimes, I would share my blog to people whom I think would need advice and honestly, I think I was being pathetic in the process but I wasn’t doing it for the blog hits! At least I was trying to help. LOL.

Then I don’t know what happened next. It all came too fast! People started following my blog like from all over the world (I make it sound like it’s a massive follow thing but it wasn’t. It’s just that I am finally being followed without me asking for it lol) so I started reading other people’s blogs and I felt like almost everyone if not all, are sharing a huge chunk of themselves! It was so intimate, personal and full of depth. Then I started commenting, liking and continuously reading post after post of these strangers until such time that I made a connection between them and then BAHM, I got friends overrrrr heeeere!!!!

It was a bit of surprise for me. When I was blogging back then, I knew a lot of people and we always talk in our comments section but after a while it all faded. Here, I don’t only talk to people through comments, I think of them even in the real world. LOL. I mean, I figured that I genuinely care about these then strangers turned to friends! I’d always pull up my wordpress and go to their blogs and read their updates.

THEN I HAD TO GO THROUGH SOME LIFE DRAMA OUT OF THE BLOGOSPHERE.

While I was going through shit, a lot of my friends that I met here showed me support. They were there even if I wasn’t asking for it. They were there even if I didn’t tell them I needed them. They showed me how much the genuinely care and I felt so loved. (This is so cheesy it almost made me gag at how dramatic I can be but whatever hahahaha)

It’s as if they always have my back!

And it did cheer me up. It’s something I would always be grateful for. Then on the process, I met new followers that I consider friends here on wordpress. The connection is just there. No trying hard messy small talks, no overdoing, no overthinking. It’s like everyone is so open minded, everyone is supporting everyone and that’s really something!

I feel like the friends I found here knows the real me more than I let other people in my life on a day to day basis. They know everything that runs in my head, they know my personal thoughts and what I like, what I don’t like. They know everything and still care for me!

So thank you. Thank you for being there for me when other turned their backs. Thank you for sincerely and genuinely caring for me. When I was on one of my suicidal thoughts episode, I even thought of you guys. Like how will you know if I am dead already, I wouldn’t want to not have said farewell! When something interesting happens to me, I want to write it so much so that you guys would know just as I am so interested in all the things going on in your lives hahaha.

Thank you for the friendship. I didn’t know it was possible but it is!!! I am glad I found true friends here. Seriously.

Thank you

Shout out to these amazing people I’ve met here that have been my constants. Truly grateful for you all.

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Welcome

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Home

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Sorry, if I had to like do the insert link thing here, it would take me ages to finish. Or do you guys know a shortcut?

Well anyway, I just want to thank you all!

I NEED YOUR OPINION. PLEASE.

I need an outsider’s point of view, no biases. Because I need to wrap my head around something.

This is not a pity party.

If you haven’t heard of my story just yet, please take a peek at these links and you shall find out.

Anyway, life hasn’t been really great lately but I am holding up. Really. I am not crying about it and that’s a huge deal because mostly, I cry about a lot of things, even the simplest ones! So it’s totally an achievement to not cry over things like this. Great.

Here’s the thing:

You’ve been friends all your life, you know each other very well but there were times you threw snide comments, lash out, got irritated and annoyed at one point, maybe a lot of times, but you were there when they needed a friend. You weren’t such a fake ass bitch all along but you had your moments and a fair share of rudeness and bitchiness that you thought was okay at that time. When you felt really bad about what you did, you make up for it and be really nice. But then again, no friendship is perfect and you still blew some parts off. Then you don’t know exactly what triggered everything but then all of a sudden, your friends ganged up on you in a very spiteful manner, sending screenshots of conversations, stuff you told them in confidence, it was so horrible and embarrassing. But just to be clear, it’s not all you. You were with another friend/friends, and that friend is agreeing and throwing snide comments as well in it for the bitch party you may or may not have started. However, you’re the only focus. The things you did and said from years back were pulled through again and was thrown in front of your face for the whole world to see. Again, these people are you friends since forever.

Do you have a “do differently” or you actually deserve it?

I deserve to have lost these people as friends, I know that. But do I deserve what happened? Exactly what happened? Does anyone deserve it? To be treated like that? This is not a cry for help but a call for definite and honest answers. This is not me playing victim, but I really want to understand why. I need to know if you were on the other side of the boat, will you have humiliated your friend as well? Would you have done the same? Please tell me. I really need to know because I’m being pushed over the edge of suicide. I know I wouldn’t do it, but I am just about to open that unpleasant idea. Don’t take this as a warning, I am not warning anyone, I just really want to be honest with what I am feeling and where I stand as of the moment.

I need your answers. It’s important to me. I wanna hear you.

What The Frick Happened?! Congratulations for successfully pinning me down and shaming me!

Now, I am ready to share with you all what happened. This is as far as I can remember. I’ll try to be more specific and this is going to be the most honest post I have ever written, unleashing everything and stripping down myself for the entire world to see. This is what happened.

Remember when I was still an insecure hypocrite? Someone always jealous of everything, someone so insecure about life? Or that time when I was in a bad place wherein I don’t think about what I say and do? How about the time when I tell stuff about other people and then probably add a bit more to the story or make it something that would not make me look bad or make myself feel better despite how bad I look inside? Didn’t we all had that time? Oh yes, maybe I was the only one who said bad things about other people or about my friends. I give off snide comments and remarks, I mock people, every inch of them and then I realize my mistakes and as much as I wanted to take it back at that moment, I made up for it through different ways like being there for them when they needed me, or someone they can talk to and “trust”. Yes, how ironic that I wanted to be trusted when I don’t even deserve it in the first place. I maybe had that thing wherein I wanted to be liked very very much and sometimes, I put people on the line for my own benefit. But was I alone in this? Well about the time where I judge ever so easily at first without even knowing that person then figure out my judgment was wrong? How will I ever take back my own judgment when words slipped from my mouth already? Of course, I make it up again by being someone better. Yes.

I have thrown so many bad stuff towards other people. I have said words, sentences, comments about a lot of things that could have been so hurtful but what’s my excuse to that? Nothing. I was just really a BAD PERSON in the past. I couldn’t even think of things on how I could justify my actions because behind my great friend persona is a demon right? I wasn’t thinking that I have built that character and lived by it for a long time. I killed that person after I turned 26 though.

The day after my birthday, my friends pitted against me and pinned me down sending screenshots and recalling all the bad stuff I said about someone, all the badmouthing I did, all the shitty stuff I said, all the actions I made that was seemingly okay before and realizing how bad it was! They were throwing attacks toward me. AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. Yes. They even told me that it was their gift to me, unleashing my “true identity”. They brought up all the bad shit I did and say, everything. When I apologized and owned up to my mistakes, they still threw attacks and no one, NO ONE listened to what I have to say. Yes. You know what, I probably deserved that scene, wherein everybody threw their stones my ways because of all the things I have done, all the badmouthing I did before. Yes. I probably deserve that because who am I to expect something good from her friends when in the first place I was such a monster? So yes, I cried my heart out and ugly cried once more in front of my mom and Kyx. I was so heartbroken I couldn’t even eat and sleep. I kept thinking about what the fuck did I do? Why am I like that before? Why was I such a monster and a bad friend?

But then you know what, after regretting everything I did and said, I did own up to my mistakes and even said sorry. SINCERELY. Then I realized, all the accusations, was I the only one who ever did that? Maybe I did a lot of bad stuff compared to everyone else, but who are you to feel so hurt and bad when you also did that same thing? Maybe I have been the worst friend ever, but who are you to act like you did not partake on the mistakes I have made, who are you to judge when you also did the same thing I did?

I thought I was gonna cry a long time, there were a lot of mean words thrown out there for me, AFTER MY 26TH BIRTHDAY! I was even greeted by these people after being mean to me telling me it was their gift. You know what? I am so grateful. I am ever so grateful this ugly stuff happened because now, I really am going to be a better person. Someone who is not judgmental anymore. Who wouldn’t be badmouthing the friends I have left. I will be a genuine great friend this time and all thanks to what happened to me. Whew! I was so glad this happened to me. I thank the Lord that this happened to me so that I can finally grow up to be a better person instead of the shitty one that I once were.

That’s what happened, and you know what, it’s probably the best gift I have ever received aside from the love I was given by my family.

Congratulations for successfully pinning me down and shaming me in front of the whole circle of friends. Thank you for stripping me naked and succeeding on showing the true colors I have back then. Now, I am a better person. I trust myself on this one that I wouldn’t be a shitty friend anymore.

Thank you so much for treating me like garbage cause I probably deserved that but after this, I am a new person.

I wouldn’t die if I have lost friends who did that amazing thing to me—pinning me down. I will move on, I will never look back. Thank you and Goodbye!

Burning Bridges

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Of course, if it isn’t for the famous burning of bridges for a better you and a better future?

They said that we shouldn’t burn bridges but that’s also different from one person to another. My mom always told us that cutting ties are hard but when necessary it is to be done.

I never wanted to burn bridges but maybe, it is now for the best and that’s necessary not only for my future but also for my growth as a person.

“Sometimes, you get the best light from a burning bridge.” That’s very true because these are learning experiences and these are things that you wouldn’t have seen if you didn’t burn bridges and cut ties.

I’m speaking while the wound is still fresh, while everything just happened very recently but what’s good is that I kept my cool, I stayed rational and I know just what to do now from hereon.

It’s also not easy to burn bridges especially if the bridge you’d be burning is built with a good foundation, if it stayed there for as long as you can remember. But while crossing that bridge, you find out that it’s better to burn it that look back—sometimes, it’s not worth it anymore.

Friends come and go, they do but not in the way we imagined it to be. Sometimes we feel like it’s just growing apart but when the time comes that bridges were to burned down, you look back in a state of shock while everything explodes right before your eyes. And kablam! The bridge you once loved was burned, never to return again.

What am I saying and what am I getting at? Burning bridges is necessary and not something we should all be afraid of.

Simple Pleasures on Simple Joys and Surprises

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(that’s a photo of huge pandesals with 3 in 1 Old Town Coffee)

I feel like I write about Kyx 70% of the time and maybe it can be annoying sometimes but most of my happy moments and realizations are spent with him, through him and that’s why I write a lot about our relationship.

I love pandesal. It’s a breakfast bread here in the Philippines and I forgot the last time I ate pandesal! It’s crazy. So today, March 9, 2017, Kyx surprised me with huge pandesals!! I was so stoked and excited. I can’t eat a lot of carbs because I am on a very strict diet but let’s just say I let this pandesal pass.

In these simple gestures I find pleasure. In these simple surprise, I found greatness, no lies!

It just goes to show how little things can make a bigger impact. It’s such a symbolism that not every grand gesture would bring ultimate pleasure and not all small stuff would bring disappointment. It’s really nice to have someone who will keep proving that the world is a beautiful place.

Pieces of Advice for a more Positive Day

I’ve recently been stressed out. Ate a lot of chocolates and indulged on Potato chips. Here I am fighting off high blood sugar and I’m dreading what may happen if my blood sugar continues to shoot up, not to mention my cholesterol level at 25 years old. *sigh* Anyway, I’m here to impart something with you guys.

I think everyone realizes this anyway at some point in time but let me just get it out there. I finally understood that everyday may seem to be a struggle but every waking day is a survival game, survival of the fittest. You can’t always let yourself sink and struggle for far too long because the world will turn, day will arrive as well as night, it will rain it will shine. People live and die and what’s going to happen will happen whether you are happy or sad. That’s just how life goes and that’s what makes it both exciting and terrifying. So I feel like aside from all the amazing things life has to offer, I must put in mind (and you do too) that…

  • Every day is a test of faith. I don’t wanna make it sound as if it’s like a win or lose thing, like it’s some kind of examination that you may either pass or fail but I think your faith gets tested from time to time to make you a stronger person. It’s not always in a religious sense, as it also could mean faith on people, on things, on yourself, on your expectations and goals. It’s a test of how much you could make or break yourself in the process. It’s not something to put you down but to lift you a notch higher than your self yesterday.
  • Every day is a test of stronger ties as well. A little similar to faith, only that it pertains to people around you. Your family, friends, loved ones and everyone that helps you get through a tough day and helps you feel like winning in life on every celebration and success. Every day we lose people we love or dear to us not only in the sense of mortality but in the aspect of how close we are both physically, emotionally and mentally. Unfortunately (and may also be fortunately) some people are not meant to be part of our lives anymore, they need to leave us so that new ones can come in and for us to treasure more those who stayed. Every day we meet new people, every day we decide whether we want people to stay in our lives, we decide whether we want to stay in other people’s lives.
  • Every day is a test of self-reliance, confidence, wisdom and knowledge. Every day is a learning experience and at the end of every freaking dark tunnel is a light to self-discovery. Always remember that yes, people are there for you to support you, guide you and be there for you whether you need someone or not but it’s only you alone who can help yourself. You can’t be helped by people if you don’t know how to help yourself, you can’t learn new things if you don’t believe that you can acquire more knowledge. It always starts with yourself first before any other stuff comes in.

So every day is a struggle and a celebration. Every day is a test of faith, stronger ties, self-discovery, knowledge and learning experience. Always choose to move forward and think brightly about things. You may win or lose, but it’s all part of life. Everything that’s happening to you right now is part of how you will be shaped for the future ahead of you. Cheers!

Xox, T.

What The Fuss Was All About

I know I know, I have written just recently that Kyx and I never gave a flying F about Valentine’s Day. You see, Kyx and I have been 2 suckers for surprises. Not that we are materialistic or super romantic but I guess we love seeing each other squeal in sheer joy, personally I love it when I pull a successful surprise and Kyx would end up teary eyed and super happy! I love it like that and maybe he does too cause he always surprises me when he gets a chance. So maybe, that’s why we don’t see anything special on Valentine’s Day.

I think 2 Valentine’s Day have passed already and I can’t remember what we did on those 2 events. See? It wasn’t even remarkable. I got so accustomed to not giving a fuck about it that I didn’t get Kyx anything for Valentine’s Day!

On the 13th, as we were driving home, I asked Kyx what he would give me on VDay and I was expecting him to look surprised, I was only teasing because I know we wouldn’t be celebrating it anyway but he told me he has formulated an idea. Judging by that answer, I knew we would be having a different kind of VDay this year which left me excited and anxious at the same time. I didn’t plan anything, I didn’t get him anything, I didn’t even write him a letter!

The 14th came and I feel like it’s just an ordinary day. Then the management announced that our working schedule will be cut shorter. Fast forward to our date!

Kyx and I ate at our favourite restaurant. It’s called Ippudo Ramen. We love the people there who serve us and love their food as well! We went shopping and then Kyx gave me his Valentine’s Day Gift. It was a Micellar water I have been eyeing on for a while now he also got me an acne prone skin liquid foundation huhuhu and that’s not all, he also gave me a handwritten letter which melted my heart and got me choked up for a good 5 minutes! LOL.

After reading his heartfelt letter, I knew what the fuss was all about. I can’t explain it. I mean it should feel like any other day but I don’t know, I felt different yesterday. Maybe because it was our first VDay celebration?

Well, I want to elaborate more but I feel like I’m writing annoying stuff and that I should shut up already. Nonetheless, I really loved how my day turned out yesterday. How about you guys?

The Bits and Pieces, Fragments and Lots of Learning from Relationships

First off, I will be talking randomly about the stuff I learned through the course of my relationship with Kyx, the things that I don’t realized at all too soon.

Second, I did not intend for this to be school-type coherent so my thoughts will fly by and I hope you don’t mind *wink*

Being very different from each other, I feel like it is more of a good thing than the bad. We complement each other more often than not and I think that makes the relationship more fruitful and beautiful. One thing I’ve decided to talk about right now is how I managed to stop being so reactive.

I am (and trust me, I’m working on it) a very reactive person. Most of the time, my emotions get the best of me and that’s not really something I am proud of. I am a ball and all sorts of emotional human being. I cry if I need to, I laugh if I feel like it. When something aggravates me, most of the time I react aggressively towards it. To put it simply, I react too fast, too often. I am always on “attack” mode which led me to a few difficult situations, sometimes realizing things too little too late and having myself embarrassed over silly things.

Kyx on the other hand is a calm human being. It’s like when God sprinkled calmness and serenity, Kyx was showered in chunks! He also has a basket to catch all the serenity God gave the earth which is why he is a very peaceful person right now. LOL. Kidding aside, Kyx is not one to react immediately. Sometimes you won’t even get a reaction from him even if the situation calls for it. When I asked him one time, he just simply told me that he doesn’t let emotions get in the way, he thinks first before reacting and if he feels like it’s better to shut the hell up, he would.

Being in a relationship with him made me less of the reactive person I was. It made me think stuff through, it made me handle my emotions as thorough as I can. I learned that even if my heart is bursting with anger, I get to simmer down mentally and leave my attacking mantra behind a bookshelf. I don’t attack well too often now because I’d think about the consequences first or maybe, I did actually learn to keep my emotions intact?

Nonetheless, I am more peaceful and careful now when it comes to my emotions. That’s something I learned from Kyx.

I still have a few meltdowns, tantrums and fits thrown but maybe a little lesser than usual.

When You Push People Away

There was a time in my life wherein whenever I read something positive, something nice, some teaching or bright story of sorts, I cringe and I roll my eyes. Now I feel terrible because it only meant that I closed my heart, mind and soul for the longest time and I felt like I have missed out on a lot of good things. Now, I feel like I have wasted so many emotions, cried unnecessary tears because I was too focused on myself. I was so focused on my own emotions and what was lacking. I felt like I did nothing but expected wayyy too much from everyone which hurt me so badly, blaming them deep inside and thinking about how some people can be selfish when in fact I was being selfish myself! I get hurt too easily and in order for me to protect myself from these things, I put up high walls, strong ones and even cold at times. I could go all day without talking to someone because and I felt okay with it. In fact, I was happy! Or so I thought? To be honest, I was really quite comfortable with my lonesome self. I loved being quiet, I loved my own company and I didn’t need anyone to make me feel good about myself. But come to think of it, though it gave me some space, it didn’t give me the calmness I wanted, I wasn’t peaceful. It only made me more judgmental, more sensitive than I already am and more annoyed with everything than I used to. It was so bad and at first, I didn’t even notice it. It went on for a long time until I figured it wasn’t making me a better person plus it’s more stressful and it’s making me unhappy every day.

Now take time and look at this. You find yourself brooding over a lot of things that you don’t notice there are actually great times you missed, precious moments you took for granted and the chance to be happier—was thrown out somewhere. When you brood over things, you don’t get to appreciate your blessings. You are so uptight while you hide in your own walls and it’s not doing you any good.

Everyone that I know who tried putting up walls, forgetting people, being unforgiving, being moody, neglecting the advice and presence of people who actually care, lash out on people who only thinks what’s best for them—you think you’re brave, you think you’re doing what’s best for you but no. You’re not doing yourself a favour and you’re only choosing the path to an unhappy life. You think that letting go of everyone who might hurt you is actually for the better when in fact you’re not giving yourself the chance to accept things, move on, forgive and be a better person.

I’m not saying that you should not let go of the people who are hurting you, it’s also a good thing to at least move on with your life without the toxic people who only bring you down. However, choose the genuine ones. Give yourself a chance, give others a chance to be a better person to you. When you forgive and try to understand people despite how they treat you, you are giving yourself the opportunity to mature and grow as an amazing individual. When you tend to push people away, you’re probably doing what you think is best but is it actually the best way? Some things do not need to end like that, some things are not meant to be taken in the easy road. Some things are meant to happen, some challenges are bound to induce excruciating pain but when you take the right and hard long road, that’s going to give you the best lesson, best reward and most fulfilling feeling ever. Give yourself a chance to understand, to be more patient and to care. Because you’re only going to regret these things when you grow old and alone, friendless—because you pushed people away when you shouldn’t have. Don’t give yourself more things to regret, enjoy everything, and appreciate everyone.

We May Not Have What We Want, But We Have Everything We Need

Happy happy Monday!

Today is the day that the Lord has made to make me realize things, to be grateful of what I have and to look at my blessings as treasures from God above! Woo!

Okay, let’s not make this sound like I’m preaching about a gospel or something (not that there’s anything wrong with it but)

Last night, I was talking to Kyx about small stuff, when I say small stuff I meant we were talking about plans, material things we plan on buying and places we ought to visit. I figured we are surrounded by people we love who already experienced a lot of things that we haven’t, bought the things we haven’t even started saving up for, went to places we have not visited and I got a little sad. It’s nothing major and not sad like sulking-bratty-I-want-it-now kind of sad, just a little sad. But then something came to my mind and uplifted me. I realized that I have a lot of things I should be thankful for than focusing on my little sadness. Plus, material things are very easy to buy.

  1. I realized how lucky I am have to have my mom. No one in this entire world can replace my mom and I love her so much. She is my first ever best friend and she stuck with me through thick and thin and I guess that’s really something I should be thankful for! Everyone has a unique mom, everyone is grateful for their moms and everyone seems to have a perfect mom of their own. I am just glad that my mom is my mom and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in this world. No amount of money, no places to visit and no gadget can ever top my mom’s existence.
  2. I have amazing set of friends. Not perfect individuals but perfect for me. My friends and I may not have all the time in the world to be together not to mention the busy schedules we are all in. However, I am very very grateful to these people because then I realized not everyone is blessed with amazing, caring, loving, thoughtful and understanding people in this world. Most especially my friends ever since I was little! I can’t imagine life without them omg.
  3. My life partner (whenever I say “life partner” I cringe a little idk why, but he’s more than just a “boyfriend” anyway) Kyx is the most awesome guy in the world, I feel like he was created perfectly for me. I mean he is not perfect okay and we fight sometimes (oh you have no idea) but he’s the one who even led me to this whole positive and happy heart thing that I cannot even thank him enough! He understands me, tolerates me but makes sure I am not cruella de ville to anybody. He’s great at being who he is and we may be opposites but no other guy in my lifetime (I am talking about my life + guy timeline if ya know what I mean) can top how much he means to me.

All of that are just bits and pieces of what I am grateful for because I am indeed very much grateful about everything that I have. Even the bad times and cruel people I encounter, even the people who are fake with me, even the ones who do not like me. I am thankful because I wouldn’t be able to appreciate what I have if it wasn’t for those things (and people) right?

In a nutshell, there are a lot of things we want, we are so focused on getting what we want that we forget to appreciate what we have. Sometimes, what we have is what we truly need and we just don’t know or understand it at that time. It may be a cliché to hear about the want vs need mantra but that is reality. We may not always have what we want but we sure do have everything that we need. So be grateful and appreciate everything that comes your way because everything we have, good and bad, are all blessings!