I am 26, Fat and Ugly

If I have not said it enough, I’ll say it again. I haven’t been 26 for a good 24 hours when people screwed it up for me. HAHAHAHA. I can’t remember if I enjoyed my birthday week but yeah, that happened. To those who have just been following me, here’s a summary of my heart breaking story (ang arte ng heart breaking lels)

  • I was so excited for my birthday. I am looking forward to it for the first time after I turned 7. I don’t know. I hate celebrating my birthday cause I feel old and shit but this was actually the first time that I was excited.
  • I went out with my friends and we had a BLAST.
  • The next day, they pitted on me and fought me. One (ex) friend took screenshots of our past conversations ranting about other friends etc and then they brought up our past issues and dug through the shit we didn’t like about each other 100 years ago. The funny thing is everyone did JUST THAT and I’m the only one being hated hehehe.
  • So after my birthday, I was so traumatized and I fell into my anxiety and depression. I had no one (that’s what I thought hehe
  • Everything was a disaster. I blamed myself for everything (only to realize that no, I am not the one to blame here hehehe. I mean oo I did things but to be blamed for everything? Lol)
  • It was sooo bad that I hated myself for a while. I was so stressed, I couldn’t sleep well, I gained SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT and my skin broke out sooooo bad as in GRABE. Fat and ugly, that’s what I am. No exaggerations, as in swear haha (photogenic lang ako kaya hindi obvious lels)

But since that day, I pushed myself to recover. It is a long process and I’m still trying to fully recover from the trauma it left me but at least now, I am on a better state. I am losing weight, I am not breaking out anymore (though the blemishes are still there but haha nawawala na sila)

So, am I excited for my birthday even after all the shit I went through that for sure, I will never forget (kasi syempre kaakibat ng birthday ko ang ganap na iyon diba) indeed I am.

I’m way past being scared like a shitty asshole. I am going to be okay from now on and I’ll be fine. Hopefully, on my birthday in April I’ll be “27. Wiser and Finer” (lol ahahah anudaw ahah)

Good vibes lang!


TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0


TFIOB 2nd Meet Up (Photo from Kuya Jheff)

Saturday, January 6, 2018 – TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

Of course, since I have to work from 9am to 4pm, I can’t make it on time. OBVS.

Right after work, I asked my officemate/friend, Anne if she can help me and my late sorry ass to go to Gateway Cubao. There was this “hidden” pathway called Butas and from there, we rode a tricycle heading to Guadalupe and then we rode the MRT going to Cubao. It was a fun experience because I don’t get to do that very often and I learned a lot from that trip (I’ll write about it some other time) Basta ang hirap huminga sa loob ng MRT, I swear haha.

When I arrived at Banapple, Gateway Mall (where the meet up was held) almost everyone was there. I didn’t get to talk to them as intimately as I’d liked to but it was still a fun experience. Those whom I met at the first meet up grew closer to my heart and the ones I’m meeting for the first time made me look forward to the next meet up.

There are still a lot of other Filipino bloggers from TFIOB that I’m looking forward to meet and talk to in person. Hopefully on the next meet up, I’d be able to see everyone.

On this meet up, I was able to meet these wonderful people and we all have different blogging styles, topics, culture, backgrounds and means of living but one thing that I realized is that everyone of us clicks just about right! We were able to set aside our differences and ang saya lang talaga hahah.

I’ll talk about the amazing things I experienced and realized while I was with them.

  1. I realized that I went out of my way for this people because these are the people that helped me when I was down and I love to see them and be able to talk to them personally.
  2. They helped me to get the hell out of my shell. When I am with them, I am not quiet and just a tinee weeny bit shy. It’s like they’re pushing me to give my full potential when socializing.
  3. They are really wonderful people. Go meet a writer and you’d feel like they really understand you to the core ?? And if not, they’ll try to understand you. I can’t explain the feeling, but just the openness of everyone? It’s impeccable!

Here are the bloggers I have met! Visit their blogs and see for yourself how wonderful these people are.

  • Kuya Jheff – He’s the one who organized the meet up hehe. Probably the kindest person I have met. He’s very patient, honest and nice. I really like him as a person. He inspires me to be better.
  • Rhea – Met her on the first meet up but I was not able to really socialize with her until the second meet up. She’s this strong amazing woman and she inspires me to be closer to God. 😀
  • Jas – The ball of energy that she is, is amazing!! She’s the life of the party and there is no dull moment when you are with her.
  • Jonathan – met this guy on the first meet up but was not able to really know him well, the second time I met him, I realized he’s kind, funny and a great person!
  • Kuya Keso and Ate Chococake – I was able to meet their kids at the meet up and huhuhu they are family goals talaga! Haha
  • Aysa – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was late and she needs to go home early hehe. But just like how she is in her blog—natural, kind and maganda!
  • Ely – I was looking forward to meet this person! KAKAIBANG FEELING! I didn’t know that Ely will be going talaga sa meet up and nung nakita ko na siya, NATUWA TALAGA AKO HUHUHU!
  • Kate – I think I knew Kate from the blog even before I knew these people and I was so excited to see her. FINALLY. She’s this amazing person who helped me in my darkest days. Huhuhu coffee date please!
  • Sensei – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was seated far from her although I was able to socialize with her before the meet up through comments and blog reading hehe. I like her!
  • Grace – I met her before at a blogging event but she can’t remember me HAHAHA. She’s this cute woman, very friendly and nice too! Can’t wait to see her again.
  • James – He’s this cool guy and I think he’s easy to get along with. He’s also very nice!
  • Patrick – I was not able to talk to him personally because when I arrived he already left but then he came back so we were just talking in groups with him hehe.
  • Pajama – She’s very mysterious but she has this game lagi vibes.

Overall, it was a nice experience to be able to at least meet the people behind the blogs I read every day. I hope our other TFIOB friends will be able to join us next time! Really looking forward to meeting a lot more people from the blogging community. Kakatuwa!

Hopefully, makita ko na din si Space, Alona, Kat, Jolens, Amielle, Kuya Albert, Jhem, Aubrey, Mikay, Ate Joy, Gerry, Chamy, Left Pencil, Jasmine, Ica, Kris, CJ, Ricaella, Monch, Marts, Meg, Marj, Eca, Princess, Deb, No Juan is an Island, Jirah, Vi, Jen , Idol Wanderer at marami pang iba! ❤

These are the blogs they wrote about the meet up:

Thank You for Saving Me

This is probably the hundredth time I am writing this. I was actually about to post something like this yesterday after working so hard on it, but I feel like it’s filled with drama and grabe ako makaemote so I’m going to start all over again and we’ll see if this gets published.

How do you say thank you to people whom you have not met but were there for you any time of day when you needed them? How do you say thank you to the ones who have saved your life a couple dozens of times and they have not even seen you face to face? So here’s to you guys, to every single one of you who have been so helpful especially in times when I was in a dark dark place. Basically, everyone on my “Everyday Reads” and a couple more who have reached out to me one way or another. I wanted to post all the comments you left that really made a big impact in my life but there’s just so many that choosing only a couple from each person would not do it justice. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Every comment you left, every comforting words you shared with me when I was just about to pull that trigger (metaphorically ah. I don’t have a gun lol) helped me heal, helped me see the light, helped me think about things rationally.

I guess I wouldn’t be here, physically present, if it were not for people like you. Our simple conversations and exchange of thoughts mean a lot to me and I am hoping we continue to have this kind of relationship until the end of time. (see? Ang drama)

Also from spending time with me in hard times to enjoying with me in funny times (when I wrote the KyxAila serye haha) thank you so much.

Thank you for being there when no one else was.

3 Perfect People

I’ve got but another realization post that may sound a bit angsty so I’ll save it for later. For now, let’s look at the bright side and bask in the light and love that we are blessed with.

Earlier today and a few days back when I was in Baguio (of course before and after my melt down) I realized the good things life has to offer. I was expecting a perfect life, an easy life but if it were to be easy, would it be life at all?

I was thinking how I don’t have a ride or die friend because I had one before but lost her, then I remember that I have my mom! Not everyone can have a ride or die mom as a bff. Like I keep saying, my mom is someone I can trust, I can rely on and someone who will just be there. Every mom is different from each other but I best believe that every mom is perfect for their daughters (at least I’d like to think that hah) so I may not have a ride or die friend, but I sure have a ride or die mom and that’s all there is to live with! HEHE.

Kyx is anchor (aside from mom). He keeps me into place when strong currents try to carry me away and how can I forget that for a second?! All my breakdowns, my meltdowns and stupid cryola festival that I star into, he is there to hold me and assure me that THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER. I also like to think that once you find a partner, like a soulmate (I’m not sure when you’ll find it but when you do, you’ll know), you’ll understand that each partner is perfect for the other. He gets me, he really does. He knows what to say (except when he’s trying to piss me off purposely), he knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

Altheo, my kuya. I like to joke that he’s my twin brother because we sort of have a “twins instinct” but the only twinning thing about us is our names so I have to live with that lels. We are the exact opposites! I am the reactive sibling, emotional and easily pissed off and he’s the other way around. He calms me down and keeps me sane just when I need to and I do the same for him in the rare occasions that he’s losing his shit.

Overall, these 3 people are the perfect people for me. As in yung perpekto para sa isang kagaya ko. They fill my holes, the missing pieces and the gaps. So when I get sad or lonely again, I’ll think about having these people in my life and I’m happy again!

When you get lonely over trivial things or when someone upsets you or you think no one is there for you anymore, think about all those who are going to be there for you. Your ride or die kind of people. And like my brother would jokingly say, “yung tipong pitpitan at basagan ng bayag, walang iwanan”

Si Kyxa at Si Aila S01E03: Binuhay Ang Kilig

Bago mag graduation, ibinalik sa akin ng kaibigan ko yung book bind, tapos na daw silang lahat magsulat. Kinakabahan ako kasi alam kong nakapagsulat na si Kyx.

TLE Project

Pumunta kami ni Diane sa classroom namin, sa isang sulok, binuksan naming yung book bind at hinanap ang parte kung saan nagsulat si Kyx. Ang iksi lang, pero ang laki ng kahulugan sakin.

❤ ❤ ❤

Bumalik yung kilig ko tapos tumili nalang kami ni Diane.

Simula non, nagusap na ulit kami. Pero alam ko, huli na rin naman ang lahat. Magcocollege na kami, mag-iiba na ang landas naming dalawa. Sa Miriam ako, all girls nanaman at siya naman ay sa FEU.

Masayang malungkot. Pero sa isip isip ko, baka mas magkaroon ng chance na maging kami kapag college na kami!?

Gumraduate na nga kami, tapos hindi na kami nagkita buong bakasyon.

April 2008, inimbita ko siya sa birthday party ko sa Mcdonald’s. Children’s party yun pero puro high schoolers kami, 17th birthday party ko yun pero hindi siya pumunta.

Naisip ko nanaman hindi siguro ako importante kaya ganon. Nalungkot nanaman ako. Back to square 1 nanaman ulit. Wala nang katapusang paikot ikot, walang katapusang pakiramdaman.

Sa puntong ito, pakiramdam ko ako lang naman talaga ang may nararamdaman.

Si Kyxa at Si Aila S01E02: Puro Sakit Na Lang Ba?

Malungkot ang mga araw ko non. Hindi ko na kasi nakakatext si Kyx, hindi ko na rin siya nakakausap. Hindi ko rin siya tinitignan. Pinapakita ko sakanya na wala na akong pakielam sakanya matapos niya akong sigawan? Aba?? Sino ba sya! Pero ang sakit. Kasi habang dumadaan ang mga araw, naghihintay ako na magsosorry siya, na magtetext siya sakin o kaya tatawagan niya ako sa landline para magsorry. Dumaan ang Pasko at Bagong Taon pero hindi pa rin kami naguusap.

Araw araw ang sakit kasi tinitingnan ko yung Friendster profile niya, tinitignan ko kung may message siya or testi para sakin pero wala.

Hanggang sa February na, wala pa rin tapos naguumpisa na akong mag move on. Hindi ko na siya crush, hindi ko na rin siya kaibigan. Yan yung sinasabi ko sa sarili ko araw araw. Dahan dahan na rin ako nawalan ng pakielam sakanya. Parang napatawad ko na siya sa pagsigaw niya sa akin at parang natanggap ko na na kagaya ng ibang crush crush na yan, short lived lang ang samin at walang ibang mararating.

Same month, February 2008, namatay ang lolo ko. Kahit alam niyang close ako sa lolo ko, kahit nakita niya akong umiiyak sa school pagkatapos ng Prom practice namin nung tinawag ako ng guidance counselor, pinapauwi na dahil nga namatay na pala ang lolo ko, hindi niya ako nilapitan. Hindi rin niya ako tinext, wala siyang sinabi. Magtatampo na sana ako pero naalala ko na “hindi ko na siya crush, hindi ko na rin siya kaibigan”. Nung prom, hindi niya rin ako sinayaw. Buong gabi akong naghintay na isayaw niya ako pero hindi. Wala siyang isinayaw non. Nakaupo lang sya. Hindi niya ako tinitignan, di ko rin siya tinitignan kapag alam kong makikita niya ako.

Buong gabi pinapakita ko sakanya na ang saya saya ko, na okay lang ako kahit may pinagdadaanan ako, na nageenjoy ako kasama yung mga kaibigan ko. Ang ending, ako lang din pala yung mukang tanga. Nagpapanggap akong masaya kahit wala naman pala siyang pakielam na. Diba?

Huling linggo ng February, binalik ng teacher naming ang TLE Project namin na “Book Bind”. Doon sa book bind na iyon, papasulatan namin ng mensahe ang mga kaibigan namin. Pinasulatan ko yung book bind ko na yun sa lahat kasama si Kyx pero hindi niya ako pinasulat sa kanya. 😦

Sakit. Puro sakit nalang. Kawawa naman yung 16 year old landi-self ko huhu =)))


Doodle ng lihim kong harot 😂

Yan ay isa sa mga pahina ng TLE project namin nung 4th year highschool tapos may doodleako sa likod ng kaharutan kong tinatago huhu 😂

Gusto ko nang ikwento pero nasa laptop ko pala yung draft 😂

May mga sulat na hindi ko naman gustong ibigay HAHA

Sinulat ko yan year 2012 😂

Bukas ko na ikukwento ng buo. Marami akong sulat kay Kyx na hindi ko binalak ibigay hahaha nung naging kami na, nabasa nya ng hindi sinasadya yan dahil naghahalungkat sya sa mga stationery ko upang ako ay masulatan niya ng love letter 😭😂