Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.

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The Type of Guy

Cheesy and mushy are my thing with friends—people really close to my heart. But in a prospect for relationship, I’m more of the casual friend-y type. I don’t like guys writing poems for me, writing songs about me, telling me they’re thinking about me. Not that I’m GGSS or something (so shamers, let’s not make it about ourselves lels) I just get really turned off with that kind of thing. Maybe it has something to do with being an INFJ? Or maybe it’s the Alpha female in me. I want challenge. Yung tipong umiikot yung pwet ko kakaisip kung gusto din ba ako nung guy na yun o hindi? That kind of challenge.

We all differ especially with these kinds of things. There are girls who wouldn’t want to deal with challenges and would fall easily for the hopeless romantic type of guy and it’s alright. I guess this is just the other side of the coin is what I’m saying.

So what type of guy or girl would you fall for? The hopeless romantic on the onset or yung friend friend lang kind?

Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.

Note To Self #1

Kung mabilis silang kalimutan ka at burahin ka sa buhay nila, MAG MOVE ON KA NA KASI PUNYETA PALA EH. KAYA PALA NAMAN NILA GAWIN YON TAPOS IKAW MUKA KA LANG TANGA NA NAIIYAK NALULUNGKOT NANANAGINIP TUNGKOL SA KANILA PERO IKAW DI KA NA NILA NAIISIP DIBA? SO ANO PA BANG SAYSAY NG FEELINGS MO??? TANGINA. Kung kaya ka nila ilaglag ng walang ano ano, HINDI SILA KAWALAN. HINDI SILA IMPORTANTE. WALA SILANG KWENTA SA BUHAY MO NGAYON KAYA TIGILAN MO NA ANG MALUNGKOT DAHIL WALAAAAAAANG KWENTAAAAAA ANG KINALULUNGKUTAN MO. NYEMAS!

I am 26, Fat and Ugly

If I have not said it enough, I’ll say it again. I haven’t been 26 for a good 24 hours when people screwed it up for me. HAHAHAHA. I can’t remember if I enjoyed my birthday week but yeah, that happened. To those who have just been following me, here’s a summary of my heart breaking story (ang arte ng heart breaking lels)

  • I was so excited for my birthday. I am looking forward to it for the first time after I turned 7. I don’t know. I hate celebrating my birthday cause I feel old and shit but this was actually the first time that I was excited.
  • I went out with my friends and we had a BLAST.
  • The next day, they pitted on me and fought me. One (ex) friend took screenshots of our past conversations ranting about other friends etc and then they brought up our past issues and dug through the shit we didn’t like about each other 100 years ago. The funny thing is everyone did JUST THAT and I’m the only one being hated hehehe.
  • So after my birthday, I was so traumatized and I fell into my anxiety and depression. I had no one (that’s what I thought hehe
  • Everything was a disaster. I blamed myself for everything (only to realize that no, I am not the one to blame here hehehe. I mean oo I did things but to be blamed for everything? Lol)
  • It was sooo bad that I hated myself for a while. I was so stressed, I couldn’t sleep well, I gained SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT and my skin broke out sooooo bad as in GRABE. Fat and ugly, that’s what I am. No exaggerations, as in swear haha (photogenic lang ako kaya hindi obvious lels)

But since that day, I pushed myself to recover. It is a long process and I’m still trying to fully recover from the trauma it left me but at least now, I am on a better state. I am losing weight, I am not breaking out anymore (though the blemishes are still there but haha nawawala na sila)

So, am I excited for my birthday even after all the shit I went through that for sure, I will never forget (kasi syempre kaakibat ng birthday ko ang ganap na iyon diba) indeed I am.

I’m way past being scared like a shitty asshole. I am going to be okay from now on and I’ll be fine. Hopefully, on my birthday in April I’ll be “27. Wiser and Finer” (lol ahahah anudaw ahah)

Good vibes lang!

TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

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TFIOB 2nd Meet Up (Photo from Kuya Jheff)

Saturday, January 6, 2018 – TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

Of course, since I have to work from 9am to 4pm, I can’t make it on time. OBVS.

Right after work, I asked my officemate/friend, Anne if she can help me and my late sorry ass to go to Gateway Cubao. There was this “hidden” pathway called Butas and from there, we rode a tricycle heading to Guadalupe and then we rode the MRT going to Cubao. It was a fun experience because I don’t get to do that very often and I learned a lot from that trip (I’ll write about it some other time) Basta ang hirap huminga sa loob ng MRT, I swear haha.

When I arrived at Banapple, Gateway Mall (where the meet up was held) almost everyone was there. I didn’t get to talk to them as intimately as I’d liked to but it was still a fun experience. Those whom I met at the first meet up grew closer to my heart and the ones I’m meeting for the first time made me look forward to the next meet up.

There are still a lot of other Filipino bloggers from TFIOB that I’m looking forward to meet and talk to in person. Hopefully on the next meet up, I’d be able to see everyone.

On this meet up, I was able to meet these wonderful people and we all have different blogging styles, topics, culture, backgrounds and means of living but one thing that I realized is that everyone of us clicks just about right! We were able to set aside our differences and ang saya lang talaga hahah.

I’ll talk about the amazing things I experienced and realized while I was with them.

  1. I realized that I went out of my way for this people because these are the people that helped me when I was down and I love to see them and be able to talk to them personally.
  2. They helped me to get the hell out of my shell. When I am with them, I am not quiet and just a tinee weeny bit shy. It’s like they’re pushing me to give my full potential when socializing.
  3. They are really wonderful people. Go meet a writer and you’d feel like they really understand you to the core ?? And if not, they’ll try to understand you. I can’t explain the feeling, but just the openness of everyone? It’s impeccable!

Here are the bloggers I have met! Visit their blogs and see for yourself how wonderful these people are.

  • Kuya Jheff – He’s the one who organized the meet up hehe. Probably the kindest person I have met. He’s very patient, honest and nice. I really like him as a person. He inspires me to be better.
  • Rhea – Met her on the first meet up but I was not able to really socialize with her until the second meet up. She’s this strong amazing woman and she inspires me to be closer to God. 😀
  • Jas – The ball of energy that she is, is amazing!! She’s the life of the party and there is no dull moment when you are with her.
  • Jonathan – met this guy on the first meet up but was not able to really know him well, the second time I met him, I realized he’s kind, funny and a great person!
  • Kuya Keso and Ate Chococake – I was able to meet their kids at the meet up and huhuhu they are family goals talaga! Haha
  • Aysa – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was late and she needs to go home early hehe. But just like how she is in her blog—natural, kind and maganda!
  • Ely – I was looking forward to meet this person! KAKAIBANG FEELING! I didn’t know that Ely will be going talaga sa meet up and nung nakita ko na siya, NATUWA TALAGA AKO HUHUHU!
  • Kate – I think I knew Kate from the blog even before I knew these people and I was so excited to see her. FINALLY. She’s this amazing person who helped me in my darkest days. Huhuhu coffee date please!
  • Sensei – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was seated far from her although I was able to socialize with her before the meet up through comments and blog reading hehe. I like her!
  • Grace – I met her before at a blogging event but she can’t remember me HAHAHA. She’s this cute woman, very friendly and nice too! Can’t wait to see her again.
  • James – He’s this cool guy and I think he’s easy to get along with. He’s also very nice!
  • Patrick – I was not able to talk to him personally because when I arrived he already left but then he came back so we were just talking in groups with him hehe.
  • Pajama – She’s very mysterious but she has this game lagi vibes.

Overall, it was a nice experience to be able to at least meet the people behind the blogs I read every day. I hope our other TFIOB friends will be able to join us next time! Really looking forward to meeting a lot more people from the blogging community. Kakatuwa!

Hopefully, makita ko na din si Space, Alona, Kat, Jolens, Amielle, Kuya Albert, Jhem, Aubrey, Mikay, Ate Joy, Gerry, Chamy, Left Pencil, Jasmine, Ica, Kris, CJ, Ricaella, Monch, Marts, Meg, Marj, Eca, Princess, Deb, No Juan is an Island, Jirah, Vi, Jen , Idol Wanderer at marami pang iba! ❤

These are the blogs they wrote about the meet up:

Thank You for Saving Me

This is probably the hundredth time I am writing this. I was actually about to post something like this yesterday after working so hard on it, but I feel like it’s filled with drama and grabe ako makaemote so I’m going to start all over again and we’ll see if this gets published.

How do you say thank you to people whom you have not met but were there for you any time of day when you needed them? How do you say thank you to the ones who have saved your life a couple dozens of times and they have not even seen you face to face? So here’s to you guys, to every single one of you who have been so helpful especially in times when I was in a dark dark place. Basically, everyone on my “Everyday Reads” and a couple more who have reached out to me one way or another. I wanted to post all the comments you left that really made a big impact in my life but there’s just so many that choosing only a couple from each person would not do it justice. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Every comment you left, every comforting words you shared with me when I was just about to pull that trigger (metaphorically ah. I don’t have a gun lol) helped me heal, helped me see the light, helped me think about things rationally.

I guess I wouldn’t be here, physically present, if it were not for people like you. Our simple conversations and exchange of thoughts mean a lot to me and I am hoping we continue to have this kind of relationship until the end of time. (see? Ang drama)

Also from spending time with me in hard times to enjoying with me in funny times (when I wrote the KyxAila serye haha) thank you so much.

Thank you for being there when no one else was.