Drinking Problems

I didn’t even know that it was already a drinking problem of some sort until people started telling me that I looked dry, drunk and alcoholic. I can’t say I’m alcoholic *siguro patawid palang but fortunately, hindi naman* and thinking about it, I figured maybe I was just an extremely heavy drinker cause I grew up with 3 brothers who are really heavy drinkers (not in a bad way hehehe I’m trying to justify pa lol) but you see, we’re not alcoholics. We just love our booze.

Alcoholism is not to be taken lightly. It’s a serious substance abuse that could lead to health problems and I’m fully aware of that. I’m not downplaying or portraying anything that I am not.

So back in the day, during my college years, my glorious years, I drank so much. I don’t do it on a daily basis at first and of course, I’m not one to drink around groups. I love drinking with just my friends. College stuff, workload and a lot of other requirements led me to feel so stressed out and I resorted to drinking every weekend. It has been a weekend hobby for me. I’d invite friends over my house and we’d drink at our garage. Chill drink lang, walang walwalan. But if my friends are not available, I’d just drink by myself. Ganong levels. I didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing though.

I was still responsible. I study, I am good in class, I’m an okay person in general. But I drink weekly.

Until such time that I really feel like I needed to drink, any time of day. It’s as if I was always looking for an excuse to drink. It was as if my body is looking for alcohol and I needed to give in to it because if not, I won’t be able to sleep well.

I have my flask with me—EVERYWHERE I GO. With a small amount of booze, I’m at peace that I could carry on with the day and get by.

I am not a party girl but I look up booze mixes on pinterest just for the heck of it. I loved every mix I ever did with jell-o and gummie bears. I was crazy.

But one fine day, I just stopped altogether. I didn’t want booze, I didn’t crave for it the way I used to. I just didn’t feel like drinking that much anymore.

Now, I still drink (not as much) and I still have my flask 🙂

So I think that this isn’t alcoholism. It was just a phase I guess?

Did you have a phase like this?

** 

If you have drinking problems, if you feel like you’re getting addicted to it, maybe it’s time to consult a doctor or a therapist. Especially if it is a result of a problem, depression or if it has anything to do with your emotional and mental health.

My problem was that it was purely out of sheer joy but it was not because I was depressed or what (I have depression but I didn’t drink because of it)

Gender Equality, Feminism, Chivalry and Sexism (I am all over the place so try to not judge me and how I wrote this)

This may sort of be a long read, but please please do read it. I really need your opinion, I crave for a discussion on matters like this. So please please please help.

I often have discussions like this with Kyx especially when we’re stuck in bad traffic.

How do we all fight for “Gender Equality” in a world that cries for chivalry, in a world that takes “feminism” in a whole different manner, in a world where if not all, most people are clueless how “gender equality” works.

How can we all be politically correct in all these? How can we live by gender equality when we could all be ignorant at times and how can we stop sexism?

Okay, let’s see how this goes.

  1. When you look “Gender equality” up on Google, the first thing you’d come across is how Wikipedia defined it. “Gender equality, also known as sexual equality, is the state of equal access to resources and opportunities regardless of gender. It is achieved through gender neutrality and gender equity”

In my understanding and in advocacies we’ve heard all over the world, gender equality is when both men and women have the luxury to live with the same rights and opportunities in all aspects. May it be at the workplace or privileges in the society.

  1. Moving to “Feminism”, when you look it up on Google, you’d see synonyms such as “women liberation”, and when you find how it is defined, you’d see something that crosses with “gender equality”. That Feminism is the advocacy of women wherein they fight for equal rights regardless of gender.

 

  1. Now off to “Chivalry”, it is defined as when medieval knights show courtly manners, nobility, courtesy and all that. In the 21st century, it’s more about being a “gentleman” (or correct me if I’m wrong cause that’s how I understand it)

 

Given these 3 things, let’s now discuss what’s up!

Case on point #1:

Many months back, I guess about a year ago, a woman in her 20s I believe, went viral on social media (at least here in the Philippines) because she posted a photo of a guy who she is accusing of not being a gentleman. The train was full and a lot of people are standing up, now the guy in the photo clearly didn’t give his seat up for the girl. The girl then went to rant on social media how she was so tired but then this guy is sitting pretty (actually looking tired and innocent AF). She said that the guy should’ve given his seat up so that she can sit instead of the guy. What’s your take on this?

You see, more often than not, I am all for gender equality. If a guy wouldn’t give his seat up for me then I wouldn’t feel bad. It’s not like I am more privileged than him. Gender equality clearly states that both men and women get the same rights in all aspects so why the hell would I get mad for not having a seat on a train while a man sits and I stand? I mean I won’t get bothered even if I was hella tired.

Well, the woman who posted the photo that went viral on social media gained mixed reactions from the public. Some were sharing sentiments with her stating “chivalry is dead” while most got upset that this woman is crying out loud just because she was not given the seat that the guy deserved too.

 

Case on point #2:

Pregnant Women are the priority

Now it gets tricky from hereon. So someone please tell me, why pregnant women be the priority whether in queue for a public transportation or in the bank? I mean I get that they are carrying the baby and it’s quite a discomfort and it’s heavy and shit but, what’s the actual basis for this? I’m not mad at pregnant women, I am seriously asking because I do not know for sure as to why are they prioritized? Is it plainly because everyone needs to understand that pregnant women are having a hard time in everything while they’re pregnant so we help them in all ways possible or is it just plain sexism? Please shed some light on this because I am not sure hahaha. All I know is that we let them get to ride in public transportation first than the rest, we give way even if we were first in line because they are top priority and as far as the “why are they the top priority?” is concerned, I do not know. **seriously. What do you think and know about this, put it in the comment box**

 

Case on point #3:

Using a lot of sexist terms EVERYFUCKINGWHERE and it just makes me cringe so much I can’t even

Have you ever heard of the phrases “be a man!” or “you’re acting like a girl”? These terms seem innocent but are completely and utterly sexist. In the Philippines, you’d hear a lot of phrases like this:

“kalalaki mong tao natatakot ka sa multo” (You’re a guy and yet you get scared of ghosts)

“kalalaki mong tao iiyak iyak ka diyan” (You’re a guy and yet you are crying?)

“kababae mong tao ang lakas lakas mong tumawa” (You’re a girl and yet you laugh so loud)

“kababae mong tao ganyan ka magsalita” (You’re a girl yet you speak like that?)

And so on and so forth. Just use “kababae/kalalaki mong tao” and then insert a stereotypical phrase and BOOM= welcome to sexism!

 

In my opinion, sexism is everywhere. In the household, in the work place in public, in the movie houses, in the neighbourhood, in school. My gosh. I have no words.

Are guys not allowed to get scared? Are they not allowed to cry when they feel hurt or happy? Are girls not allowed to laugh like a hyena when they feel like it? Are girls not allowed to talk a certain way?

In the Philippines, we are taught that men and women need to live a certain way, dictated by the society. But FFS, this is the 21st century and why are we still not educated on matters like this? Why do we keep ourselves away from openness and why do we fight battles we know so little about?

Why the hell do we cry out so loud fighting for gender equality when we are so ignorant about the phrases and actions we say and do? Why do we want chivalry, crying if a guy is not a “gentleman” when we clearly fight for “gender equality”? Why do we use sexist phrases in the 21st century like it’s normal?

Think about it. Let’s discuss. Let’s talk about what you think. Let’s educate people, let’s share information, let’s speak up, let us help each other with the exchange of intelligence and openness. Let us not leave ourselves ignorant. Let’s keep asking, let’s keep learning.

 

I know I only covered a speck of the issues in our society, I know there are other problematic areas about this and there are deeper root problems here so don’t judge me haha!

Kyx Lately

 

Kyx and I have been together for over 2 years now (going on our 3rd year this August) and man, all the changes, adjustments and stuff we had to deal with were cray but I feel so grateful that I have him in my life.

So for my new blog friends and readers who haven’t read a whole bunch of writings from the past, let me introduce to you, Kyx.

Kyx is my boyfriend. You pronounce it as “kicks”. No that is not some made up name he made to be cool. That’s really his nickname. His real name is Kyxarie and you don’t pronounce it as “kicksari” you say it as “kee-sa-ri” okay now that’s said and done, let’s move on. Hahaha. I just feel like I had to tell you guys how to pronounce it so you could read it without confusion lol.

Okay so going back, Kyx is this wonderfully artistic, creative, long-haired illustrator slash love of my life. He is my best friend and my confidante. He’s patient and wise and I just can’t reiterate enough how much of a blessing he is in my life.

You see, for the past 3 months, I dealt with a roller coaster ride filled with torturous obstacles!! I had to deal with friendship drama, anxiety, depression and OCD. Imagine dealing with someone so disastrous as me?

So for a quick background, let me just say that whatever I am going through, it’s not like something we see on TV shows and on movies. It’s totally different. I am very high functioning but after all that I have to do on a given day, I would lie on my back, stare blankly at the walls and sometimes I cry without even knowing why I am crying in the first place. On some days, I’d spend so much time in the bathroom using about 1 body wash, 1 milky soap and 1 organic butter soap for cleaning my skin and moisturizing it taking all the time I need only to find myself taking about more than an hour of my life to just bathe and reflect on different things. Sometimes I find it normal, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’d be so talkative, other times Kyx wouldn’t hear a word coming from my mouth. And Kyx had to deal with all of this without getting mad at me. Without treating what I’m doing as “bullshit” and perfectly trying to understand what I am going through without judging me.

The other day, I was being extra annoying, brutal and monstrous. I’ve been on the pill because of my acne problems (and my mom is actually pursuing it low-key because she wants me on birth control) and these hormonal pills are just plain making me a walking disaster! My moodswings skyrocketed to 80% and I was downright nasty to deal with. I was throwing a tantrum here and there but Kyx is just being his kind and comforting self. *sobs* Then while I was being particularly angry for a mindless reason, I pinched Kyx so hard until it sorta bled. My oh my the horror when I saw his skin turned really pink and then a bit of blood oozing from a small scratch I made! Right then and there, I realized how mean I was being and immediately pulled myself together. Kyx—being ever so patient, just hugged me and told me it’s okay and that I’ll be okay.

I still feel sorry for being such a crazy adult. These meltdowns have to stop, I know. I just am really grateful that no matter how absurd I was, Kyx is still there for me.

How In The World Did I Find Friends In WordPress?!?

I have been blogging in and out since I was in high school. I always rant and talk about how my day went. Then in college, I started to blog about some of my thoughts that are not pure nonsensical but I was doing it for worthless things. I was writing about what people wanted to read, what’s the trend, I was trying so hard to reach out to an audience. I was all about the likes, comments and numbers of hits and followers! I was doing it all for nothingness and worthless crap.

Then last year, I started to blog here on wordpress. I decided to write about what I honestly think, my realizations, lessons, experiences and all that but the difference is that I was doing it for sheer passion, for helping others, for reaching out to other people while in the process of reaching out to myself. I wasn’t thinking about how many followers I would get, how many likes, how many response. I was just basically putting it out there! Sometimes, I would share my blog to people whom I think would need advice and honestly, I think I was being pathetic in the process but I wasn’t doing it for the blog hits! At least I was trying to help. LOL.

Then I don’t know what happened next. It all came too fast! People started following my blog like from all over the world (I make it sound like it’s a massive follow thing but it wasn’t. It’s just that I am finally being followed without me asking for it lol) so I started reading other people’s blogs and I felt like almost everyone if not all, are sharing a huge chunk of themselves! It was so intimate, personal and full of depth. Then I started commenting, liking and continuously reading post after post of these strangers until such time that I made a connection between them and then BAHM, I got friends overrrrr heeeere!!!!

It was a bit of surprise for me. When I was blogging back then, I knew a lot of people and we always talk in our comments section but after a while it all faded. Here, I don’t only talk to people through comments, I think of them even in the real world. LOL. I mean, I figured that I genuinely care about these then strangers turned to friends! I’d always pull up my wordpress and go to their blogs and read their updates.

THEN I HAD TO GO THROUGH SOME LIFE DRAMA OUT OF THE BLOGOSPHERE.

While I was going through shit, a lot of my friends that I met here showed me support. They were there even if I wasn’t asking for it. They were there even if I didn’t tell them I needed them. They showed me how much the genuinely care and I felt so loved. (This is so cheesy it almost made me gag at how dramatic I can be but whatever hahahaha)

It’s as if they always have my back!

And it did cheer me up. It’s something I would always be grateful for. Then on the process, I met new followers that I consider friends here on wordpress. The connection is just there. No trying hard messy small talks, no overdoing, no overthinking. It’s like everyone is so open minded, everyone is supporting everyone and that’s really something!

I feel like the friends I found here knows the real me more than I let other people in my life on a day to day basis. They know everything that runs in my head, they know my personal thoughts and what I like, what I don’t like. They know everything and still care for me!

So thank you. Thank you for being there for me when other turned their backs. Thank you for sincerely and genuinely caring for me. When I was on one of my suicidal thoughts episode, I even thought of you guys. Like how will you know if I am dead already, I wouldn’t want to not have said farewell! When something interesting happens to me, I want to write it so much so that you guys would know just as I am so interested in all the things going on in your lives hahaha.

Thank you for the friendship. I didn’t know it was possible but it is!!! I am glad I found true friends here. Seriously.

Thank you

Shout out to these amazing people I’ve met here that have been my constants. Truly grateful for you all.

https://thesyntaxofthingsblog.wordpress.com/

https://affectionatelyours.wordpress.com/

https://simplyfernanda.wordpress.com/

https://keys1988.com/

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https://ridiculousbharath.wordpress.com/

https://whenwomeninspire.com/

https://simplysaycheese.wordpress.com/

https://destinationenlightenment.com/

https://bequietkate.wordpress.com/

Welcome

https://anonymouslyautistic.net/

https://shereefiala.com/

Home

http://robertapimentel.com/

https://roadtoharmony.com/

https://mydearyellowworld.wordpress.com/

https://lushtivity.wordpress.com/

https://chanellehayleyyy.wordpress.com/

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https://beafreee.com/ https://simpleclaireity.wordpress.com/

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Sorry, if I had to like do the insert link thing here, it would take me ages to finish. Or do you guys know a shortcut?

Well anyway, I just want to thank you all!

Let’s Talk About Fun Things

I failed to mention the fun things I did recently and I don’t know, maybe I let the sadness wallow up and wrote the crazy situation I have been. It’s been almost a month since the thing happened and I’m really happy that I’ve been keeping up with life and I haven’t stopped trying. I have kept going and this is really amazing for me.

Here are the things that I did recently which I am grateful for. The bad things happened but the good times kept rolling too and I just failed to verbalize how happy I am to not have a miserable life at best.

  1. April 27 – Spent time with my family. It was also my sister in law’s birthday so my brother cooked a great lunch for us to share. Amazing, amazing, amazing! After our happy lunch, Kyx and I picked me and my sister up at home, went to the mall with his cousin and nephew—and we ate at our favourite ramen place, Ippudo! Again, we were treated fantastically and it’s always nice to have that experience. After early dinner, we went ahead and watched Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2 with the kids and we had an amazing amazing time!
  2. April 28 – Kyx and I spent time doing grocery shopping and watching Attack on Titan. Though tiring, this day was still enjoyable at best.
  3. April 29 – went to the office and after office hours, our team went on to a Team Outing in a place called Samland, Laguna. We had so much fun bonding, drinking and talking about nice stuff. The next day we just had a great lunch and went home.
  4. April 30 – after our team outing, Kyx picked me up and we stopped by at KFC to grab dinner and then watched Attack on Titan the moment we got home. Afterwards, I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night throwing a tantrum that Kyx finds funny -_-.
  5. May 1 – Happy Labor Day! Kyx and I just had food delivered while we enjoy Attack on Titan season 2. I also did some Yoga after a 2-hour nap and eat fresh mixed fruits. I also watched Riverdale’s latest episode and I feel like I had a fun-filled day hah!

Also, I started bullet journaling. So far, I have wasted a lot of money on attempting DIY planning and all that. Now, I am trying to stick to this new journal and I hope and pray that I am able to stick to it until the end of the year! : )

Thoughts About: On The Job (Indie Filipino Film)

Kyx has been bugging me to get on with watching On The Job; an indie Filipino film by Erik Matti. Kyx nd I have been watching thriller, crime, mystery films, mostly twist-y films I would say and he wanted to check if On The Job makes the cut in our taste. On The Job is a movie about 2 narrative. 1 about 2 gunmen who are already inmates/prisoners only to be allowed to go out in the open when a powerful politician/military person wants someone killed. Another narrative is about 2 policemen trying to solve a crime only to find out that the people responsible for a crime is right under their noses.

I don’t want to give away more spoilers but this film is definitely one of the movies you need to see before you die. The terrifying and eerie feeling of knowing that it is based on true events is enough to make you go crazy.

I guess I would rate it around 4.5 over 5 stars.

I am not a film major but I took up film class as a major subject back in college when I was still acquiring my bachelor’s degree for Communication Art so my standards on films can be pretty decent. I just have one major thing which is why I didn’t give it a perfect 5.

I feel like it aimed to have your mind blown but it didn’t. I mean it did on certain parts but from boiling down to a single plot, it’s pretty obvious. Okay, I don’t really know the objective or the goal of having 2 narratives. I feel like it gives you the clue that it will all be tangled down in the end but you know it is tangled up to begin with? Argh. I can’t explain! Lol.

It’s hard not to give spoilers on this but I don’t want to give anything else away but I guess I would eventually do it, grrr.

I feel like they wanted us to not know that the stories are weaved together or maybe I’m wrong? But that’s what I feel. They wanted to have this mind-fuck feel to it but it failed ? or is it just me thinking that?

Overall, it is one of the greatest films in the Filipino Film Industry and that makes me very proud.