Kyx Lately

 

Kyx and I have been together for over 2 years now (going on our 3rd year this August) and man, all the changes, adjustments and stuff we had to deal with were cray but I feel so grateful that I have him in my life.

So for my new blog friends and readers who haven’t read a whole bunch of writings from the past, let me introduce to you, Kyx.

Kyx is my boyfriend. You pronounce it as “kicks”. No that is not some made up name he made to be cool. That’s really his nickname. His real name is Kyxarie and you don’t pronounce it as “kicksari” you say it as “kee-sa-ri” okay now that’s said and done, let’s move on. Hahaha. I just feel like I had to tell you guys how to pronounce it so you could read it without confusion lol.

Okay so going back, Kyx is this wonderfully artistic, creative, long-haired illustrator slash love of my life. He is my best friend and my confidante. He’s patient and wise and I just can’t reiterate enough how much of a blessing he is in my life.

You see, for the past 3 months, I dealt with a roller coaster ride filled with torturous obstacles!! I had to deal with friendship drama, anxiety, depression and OCD. Imagine dealing with someone so disastrous as me?

So for a quick background, let me just say that whatever I am going through, it’s not like something we see on TV shows and on movies. It’s totally different. I am very high functioning but after all that I have to do on a given day, I would lie on my back, stare blankly at the walls and sometimes I cry without even knowing why I am crying in the first place. On some days, I’d spend so much time in the bathroom using about 1 body wash, 1 milky soap and 1 organic butter soap for cleaning my skin and moisturizing it taking all the time I need only to find myself taking about more than an hour of my life to just bathe and reflect on different things. Sometimes I find it normal, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’d be so talkative, other times Kyx wouldn’t hear a word coming from my mouth. And Kyx had to deal with all of this without getting mad at me. Without treating what I’m doing as “bullshit” and perfectly trying to understand what I am going through without judging me.

The other day, I was being extra annoying, brutal and monstrous. I’ve been on the pill because of my acne problems (and my mom is actually pursuing it low-key because she wants me on birth control) and these hormonal pills are just plain making me a walking disaster! My moodswings skyrocketed to 80% and I was downright nasty to deal with. I was throwing a tantrum here and there but Kyx is just being his kind and comforting self. *sobs* Then while I was being particularly angry for a mindless reason, I pinched Kyx so hard until it sorta bled. My oh my the horror when I saw his skin turned really pink and then a bit of blood oozing from a small scratch I made! Right then and there, I realized how mean I was being and immediately pulled myself together. Kyx—being ever so patient, just hugged me and told me it’s okay and that I’ll be okay.

I still feel sorry for being such a crazy adult. These meltdowns have to stop, I know. I just am really grateful that no matter how absurd I was, Kyx is still there for me.

How In The World Did I Find Friends In WordPress?!?

I have been blogging in and out since I was in high school. I always rant and talk about how my day went. Then in college, I started to blog about some of my thoughts that are not pure nonsensical but I was doing it for worthless things. I was writing about what people wanted to read, what’s the trend, I was trying so hard to reach out to an audience. I was all about the likes, comments and numbers of hits and followers! I was doing it all for nothingness and worthless crap.

Then last year, I started to blog here on wordpress. I decided to write about what I honestly think, my realizations, lessons, experiences and all that but the difference is that I was doing it for sheer passion, for helping others, for reaching out to other people while in the process of reaching out to myself. I wasn’t thinking about how many followers I would get, how many likes, how many response. I was just basically putting it out there! Sometimes, I would share my blog to people whom I think would need advice and honestly, I think I was being pathetic in the process but I wasn’t doing it for the blog hits! At least I was trying to help. LOL.

Then I don’t know what happened next. It all came too fast! People started following my blog like from all over the world (I make it sound like it’s a massive follow thing but it wasn’t. It’s just that I am finally being followed without me asking for it lol) so I started reading other people’s blogs and I felt like almost everyone if not all, are sharing a huge chunk of themselves! It was so intimate, personal and full of depth. Then I started commenting, liking and continuously reading post after post of these strangers until such time that I made a connection between them and then BAHM, I got friends overrrrr heeeere!!!!

It was a bit of surprise for me. When I was blogging back then, I knew a lot of people and we always talk in our comments section but after a while it all faded. Here, I don’t only talk to people through comments, I think of them even in the real world. LOL. I mean, I figured that I genuinely care about these then strangers turned to friends! I’d always pull up my wordpress and go to their blogs and read their updates.

THEN I HAD TO GO THROUGH SOME LIFE DRAMA OUT OF THE BLOGOSPHERE.

While I was going through shit, a lot of my friends that I met here showed me support. They were there even if I wasn’t asking for it. They were there even if I didn’t tell them I needed them. They showed me how much the genuinely care and I felt so loved. (This is so cheesy it almost made me gag at how dramatic I can be but whatever hahahaha)

It’s as if they always have my back!

And it did cheer me up. It’s something I would always be grateful for. Then on the process, I met new followers that I consider friends here on wordpress. The connection is just there. No trying hard messy small talks, no overdoing, no overthinking. It’s like everyone is so open minded, everyone is supporting everyone and that’s really something!

I feel like the friends I found here knows the real me more than I let other people in my life on a day to day basis. They know everything that runs in my head, they know my personal thoughts and what I like, what I don’t like. They know everything and still care for me!

So thank you. Thank you for being there for me when other turned their backs. Thank you for sincerely and genuinely caring for me. When I was on one of my suicidal thoughts episode, I even thought of you guys. Like how will you know if I am dead already, I wouldn’t want to not have said farewell! When something interesting happens to me, I want to write it so much so that you guys would know just as I am so interested in all the things going on in your lives hahaha.

Thank you for the friendship. I didn’t know it was possible but it is!!! I am glad I found true friends here. Seriously.

Thank you

Shout out to these amazing people I’ve met here that have been my constants. Truly grateful for you all.

https://thesyntaxofthingsblog.wordpress.com/

https://affectionatelyours.wordpress.com/

https://simplyfernanda.wordpress.com/

https://keys1988.com/

https://curiouspondering.wordpress.com/

https://coolpeppermint.wordpress.com/

https://beautybeyondbones.com/

https://ridiculousbharath.wordpress.com/

https://whenwomeninspire.com/

https://simplysaycheese.wordpress.com/

https://destinationenlightenment.com/

https://bequietkate.wordpress.com/

Welcome

https://anonymouslyautistic.net/

https://shereefiala.com/

Home

http://robertapimentel.com/

https://roadtoharmony.com/

https://mydearyellowworld.wordpress.com/

https://lushtivity.wordpress.com/

https://chanellehayleyyy.wordpress.com/

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https://beafreee.com/ https://simpleclaireity.wordpress.com/

https://quarterlifecrisis.net/

https://singlemomstand.wordpress.com/

Sorry, if I had to like do the insert link thing here, it would take me ages to finish. Or do you guys know a shortcut?

Well anyway, I just want to thank you all!

Let’s Talk About Fun Things

I failed to mention the fun things I did recently and I don’t know, maybe I let the sadness wallow up and wrote the crazy situation I have been. It’s been almost a month since the thing happened and I’m really happy that I’ve been keeping up with life and I haven’t stopped trying. I have kept going and this is really amazing for me.

Here are the things that I did recently which I am grateful for. The bad things happened but the good times kept rolling too and I just failed to verbalize how happy I am to not have a miserable life at best.

  1. April 27 – Spent time with my family. It was also my sister in law’s birthday so my brother cooked a great lunch for us to share. Amazing, amazing, amazing! After our happy lunch, Kyx and I picked me and my sister up at home, went to the mall with his cousin and nephew—and we ate at our favourite ramen place, Ippudo! Again, we were treated fantastically and it’s always nice to have that experience. After early dinner, we went ahead and watched Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2 with the kids and we had an amazing amazing time!
  2. April 28 – Kyx and I spent time doing grocery shopping and watching Attack on Titan. Though tiring, this day was still enjoyable at best.
  3. April 29 – went to the office and after office hours, our team went on to a Team Outing in a place called Samland, Laguna. We had so much fun bonding, drinking and talking about nice stuff. The next day we just had a great lunch and went home.
  4. April 30 – after our team outing, Kyx picked me up and we stopped by at KFC to grab dinner and then watched Attack on Titan the moment we got home. Afterwards, I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night throwing a tantrum that Kyx finds funny -_-.
  5. May 1 – Happy Labor Day! Kyx and I just had food delivered while we enjoy Attack on Titan season 2. I also did some Yoga after a 2-hour nap and eat fresh mixed fruits. I also watched Riverdale’s latest episode and I feel like I had a fun-filled day hah!

Also, I started bullet journaling. So far, I have wasted a lot of money on attempting DIY planning and all that. Now, I am trying to stick to this new journal and I hope and pray that I am able to stick to it until the end of the year! : )

Thoughts About: On The Job (Indie Filipino Film)

Kyx has been bugging me to get on with watching On The Job; an indie Filipino film by Erik Matti. Kyx nd I have been watching thriller, crime, mystery films, mostly twist-y films I would say and he wanted to check if On The Job makes the cut in our taste. On The Job is a movie about 2 narrative. 1 about 2 gunmen who are already inmates/prisoners only to be allowed to go out in the open when a powerful politician/military person wants someone killed. Another narrative is about 2 policemen trying to solve a crime only to find out that the people responsible for a crime is right under their noses.

I don’t want to give away more spoilers but this film is definitely one of the movies you need to see before you die. The terrifying and eerie feeling of knowing that it is based on true events is enough to make you go crazy.

I guess I would rate it around 4.5 over 5 stars.

I am not a film major but I took up film class as a major subject back in college when I was still acquiring my bachelor’s degree for Communication Art so my standards on films can be pretty decent. I just have one major thing which is why I didn’t give it a perfect 5.

I feel like it aimed to have your mind blown but it didn’t. I mean it did on certain parts but from boiling down to a single plot, it’s pretty obvious. Okay, I don’t really know the objective or the goal of having 2 narratives. I feel like it gives you the clue that it will all be tangled down in the end but you know it is tangled up to begin with? Argh. I can’t explain! Lol.

It’s hard not to give spoilers on this but I don’t want to give anything else away but I guess I would eventually do it, grrr.

I feel like they wanted us to not know that the stories are weaved together or maybe I’m wrong? But that’s what I feel. They wanted to have this mind-fuck feel to it but it failed ? or is it just me thinking that?

Overall, it is one of the greatest films in the Filipino Film Industry and that makes me very proud.

Recent Ramblings

When was the last time I wrote in here? About a day ago I guess? Anyway, I’ll do a quick update about what happened recently.

Wednesday night, my tummy is aching already. I feel like it’s another scenarios of acid reflux and hyperacidity not to mention how my head is pounding. That night, I also had a little anxiety attack but it wasn’t that crazy. I just kind of panicked a little and cried a little but I was very calm afterwards so it’s all good. When I got home, I slept it off.

Yesterday, I woke up with a tummy ache yet again! Acid reflux and I can’t seem to focus very well. I did my workout routine, took a bath and cried afterwards cause my tummy is aching so bad. I had to take a day off work because I can’t come to work with a severe tummy ache considering I had an anxiety attack the other night. I am afraid I’d have another one if I went to work so I stayed home, watched a movie and went to the doctors when I am calm enough.

I will have a blood chemistry next week, I have to fast for 10 hours and had my blood checked, afterwards, I have to go back to my Endocrinologist for him to explain the results. As I am writing this, I am having a little anxiety because I have built up a few scary scenarios about my health condition. You see, my doctor is ruling out Hypothyroidism hence the blood chemistry. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that it isn’t going to be that much of a trouble for me! Hayayayay.

I think I lost a few pounds or did I gain? I can’t even remember anymore. But I weighed myself yesterday at the doctor’s office so I have to remember that one and then I’ll go from there. Hopefully, I’d lose more weight next month! Let’s just clear it out that I am not doing this for vanity’s sake but for my health. You’re welcome.

So how was your week so far? It’s Friday and I’ve got one more work til my one and only day off. Lol.

Short Update!

Today I realized being an adult can sometimes be too much to handle!

– so tired, drank a bottle of beer last night but I have to get up early even on a Sunday just to workout.

– why am I still having breakouts? I used a Maybelline BB Cream only to have my face break out like a teenager. I wanna cry.

– now I have to do big sister errands and good daughter appointments for my family. Though I love to be of service to my family, I hate how my face has too many little dots hahaha.

– I sketched and painted for a good 15 minutes just so I could release some stress. Here’s what I came up with! 


How’s your day going? I’ll write about my weekend later tonight! 

Xox,T.

Hello!

You might be thinking I’m crushed and my spirit is in a really bad condition but I guess I don’t have the right to feel very lonely and sad despite the past events. With my aunt committing suicide, I am slowly accepting it and lamenting but prayers are giving me so much strength in facing this difficult time. Also, my father is very ill but he’s trying to be strong so I am with him all the way through prayers as well. I am trying to be very positive, I really am and I feel like I am doing a good job at it. So far I didn’t have any breakdowns and I didn’t have to ugly cry in front of people—that’s a good thing isn’t it?

Last Thursday, I went to Fullybooked (it is a book shop in the Philippines and there’s one near my office and it’s a huge one) I went there and bought a total of 5 books. It’s my “retail therapy” and I love it!

I started reading The Girl On The Train and so far it got me hooked that I am having a hard time trying to finish it. Part of me want to slow down a bit but part of me want to move faster to get me to the revelation already! Also, I feel like I really wanna find out what’s up but kinda don’t because by then the thrill is going to be over? Stuff like that! But whatever, I’ll be finishing the book today, I have like a few pages left. I wanted to finish it last night but I can’t, my eyes are too tired and I’m falling asleep between pages. Lol.

Do you know the “Wreck This Journal” journal? I’ll put a photo of it soon but it’s sort of a journal with instructions. The instructions are super ridiculous that it’s fun to do it! I am trying my best to be as creative as I should, BUT I THINK I AM FAILING DESPERATELY. So I checked a few pins on pinterest and got a bit of inspiration there. I can’t wait to do some for my journal and I’ll keep you guys posted!

Now, I’m thinking of sharing a bit of my mind about the books I’ve read. So from now on, I’ll be writing my own book reviews! There will be a segment here on my blog that would be for book reviews. I’m excited about these new things for my blog and I hope to share inputs and ideas with you all.

Today is Saturday and I will probably hangout with a few of Kyxarie’s friends (my friends also hehe) and have Ramen and a few drinks afterwards.

“Let today be filled with hope and love”

We May Not Have What We Want, But We Have Everything We Need

Happy happy Monday!

Today is the day that the Lord has made to make me realize things, to be grateful of what I have and to look at my blessings as treasures from God above! Woo!

Okay, let’s not make this sound like I’m preaching about a gospel or something (not that there’s anything wrong with it but)

Last night, I was talking to Kyx about small stuff, when I say small stuff I meant we were talking about plans, material things we plan on buying and places we ought to visit. I figured we are surrounded by people we love who already experienced a lot of things that we haven’t, bought the things we haven’t even started saving up for, went to places we have not visited and I got a little sad. It’s nothing major and not sad like sulking-bratty-I-want-it-now kind of sad, just a little sad. But then something came to my mind and uplifted me. I realized that I have a lot of things I should be thankful for than focusing on my little sadness. Plus, material things are very easy to buy.

  1. I realized how lucky I am have to have my mom. No one in this entire world can replace my mom and I love her so much. She is my first ever best friend and she stuck with me through thick and thin and I guess that’s really something I should be thankful for! Everyone has a unique mom, everyone is grateful for their moms and everyone seems to have a perfect mom of their own. I am just glad that my mom is my mom and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in this world. No amount of money, no places to visit and no gadget can ever top my mom’s existence.
  2. I have amazing set of friends. Not perfect individuals but perfect for me. My friends and I may not have all the time in the world to be together not to mention the busy schedules we are all in. However, I am very very grateful to these people because then I realized not everyone is blessed with amazing, caring, loving, thoughtful and understanding people in this world. Most especially my friends ever since I was little! I can’t imagine life without them omg.
  3. My life partner (whenever I say “life partner” I cringe a little idk why, but he’s more than just a “boyfriend” anyway) Kyx is the most awesome guy in the world, I feel like he was created perfectly for me. I mean he is not perfect okay and we fight sometimes (oh you have no idea) but he’s the one who even led me to this whole positive and happy heart thing that I cannot even thank him enough! He understands me, tolerates me but makes sure I am not cruella de ville to anybody. He’s great at being who he is and we may be opposites but no other guy in my lifetime (I am talking about my life + guy timeline if ya know what I mean) can top how much he means to me.

All of that are just bits and pieces of what I am grateful for because I am indeed very much grateful about everything that I have. Even the bad times and cruel people I encounter, even the people who are fake with me, even the ones who do not like me. I am thankful because I wouldn’t be able to appreciate what I have if it wasn’t for those things (and people) right?

In a nutshell, there are a lot of things we want, we are so focused on getting what we want that we forget to appreciate what we have. Sometimes, what we have is what we truly need and we just don’t know or understand it at that time. It may be a cliché to hear about the want vs need mantra but that is reality. We may not always have what we want but we sure do have everything that we need. So be grateful and appreciate everything that comes your way because everything we have, good and bad, are all blessings!

How To Be Truly Happy

Being happy, understanding and avoiding judging other people very easily does not happen in a flash. It does not work like fucking magic wherein you get to be a better person immediately. Like I said, it is a slow process that you have to go through in order to be genuinely and sincerely happy and at peace. I guess I can lay out a couple of tips that have worked for me personally and I hope this helps!

It is important to start choosing happiness as early as now because when you get older and you’ve been grumpy your whole life, it’s more likely to poison you and kill you inside.

Finding happiness is the very key in how you would be able to live a peaceful and contented life. I’m not saying that I am a pro on this one (cause surely, I’ve got my whole life to learn this genuine happiness) but it really worked well for me and I hope this goes on forever.

  1. Look at yourself mentally, emotionally, physically. Touch your heart and innermost feelings. Learn to understand your soul before your desires. Look at yourself as someone who you wouldn’t judge. Because you know what, news flash—you judge yourself more than you think, you judge yourself more than others ever do and that’s basically the first step you need to look at and improve on. While it’s important to know your flaws, imperfections and inabilities, it is also equally important to accept yourself as you are. You can improve on and work on the things you can about yourself and accept the things you cannot change. This part is very important, because once you learn stuff about yourself, you will learn to love and understand who you really are.
  2. We criticize others but we do criticize ourselves more. We have a lot of standards, we put ourselves under pressure not knowing it is such a burden. With this, we do not show love and car for ourselves because we think other people’s view of us is more important when in reality, no one really cares whether you look good or bad because trust me, it’s always what’s on the inside that is important.
  3. Try to love yourself a little more each day. I have written this I think on my last post and it is true. You have to love yourself before you can fully give yourself to other people. Before you can understand other people, you have to understand yourself. When you learn to understand yourself, you love it even better and when that finally happens, you understand and love other people for themselves as well despite their shortcomings.
  4. Let go of the things you can’t control. We often think we can control everything we put our focus on, but in reality, nothing is really controllable. Even your feelings are not controllable! So in short, you have to let go of everything. When you do, you start accepting it under of course, certain circumstances. And when you accept it, you don’t get too freaked out! I’m not saying you have to go with the flow all the freaking time, all I’m saying is learn when to hold on, learn when to let go. It’s really simple but we tend to complicate it not knowing it’s destroying us.
  5. Stop pushing people away. Pushing people away shows how weak you are. Not that it’s important to show a brave face. I’m talking about mental and emotional strength. When you push people away, you tend to be insensitive and selfish but in the process, you think you’re doing them a favour and that they owe you for it. Nope. No one owes you that. When you push people away, you feel more stressed, guilty and angry. You don’t let other people comfort you which is arrogance for the most part, but completely insensitive. Don’t you realize that people try to help you not because they HAVE to but because they WANT to? They choose to join you in your struggle to at least make you feel okay. But when you push them away, who loses people that cares and loves you?

Not everyone is sailing the same boat. Not everyone could understand this and not everyone would handle things the same way as others do. But this is something general, something that you can help yourself with. Because you know what, at the end of the day, no one can truly help you but yourself. I’m not saying that no one gives the right help but it’s always going to be up to that individual whether to accept the help or not, so it’s only yourself you could listen to and at least try to listen to the good part. Do not let your own demons eat you up, do not let it mess with your beautiful soul because you deserve to be happy and one way to be happy is to learn how to do these 5 simple steps haha (at least for me)

I was in a bad place and I learned how to get out, you too can do that!

Let me know if this helps! If you have any questions, comment below or email me. I would be very glad to help ❤

Email: xoxaltheac@gmail.com

Twitter/instagram: xoxthea